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Portland, OR
USA

I exist to help dads learn to communicate and engage with their young adult daughters.  I provide resources from my vast amounts of research and experience with dads and daughters, and this is the place where you'll find the tools you need to become the hero you've always wanted to be.

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Dad: Do Your Eyes Light Up When You See Her?

Michelle Watson

I don’t know if you’re a Dustin Hoffman fan, but I’ve loved his work ever since he took on the role of an autistic savant in Rain Man back in the late 80’s. He has an extraordinary gift of fully stepping into the characters he portrays, which was made evident when he later donned the quirky role of a 243-year-old eccentric toy store owner in Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium. 

I want to take you beyond his character for a moment and focus on his apprentice by the name of Molly Mahoney, played by the beautiful Natalie Portman.  

Although an accomplished pianist, she lacks any confidence in her musical ability and is forced to come face-to-face with her debilitating insecurities. Described as “needing an opportunity to prove that she is more than she believes,” Mr. Magorium creates a so-called “opportunity” for Molly to embrace her innate potential and strength by announcing that the toy store is hers. He wants her to rise to the occasion and discover what he has seen in her all along.  

But instead of pushing through her immobilizing fears, she walks away from the opportunity. She doesn’t believe she has what it takes to succeed.  

As Molly wrestles with finding her place in her own life story, she turns to an accountant by the name of Henry (played by Jason Bateman) and with her eyes cast downward asks him, “What do you see in me?” 

As a guy, he doesn’t really understand what she means, and tells her so. Then she rephrases her question and asks, “Do I sparkle?” 

I am struck by her question. I truly believe this is a universal question tucked inside every daughter, even if she hasn’t quite put it into those words.  

“Being the sparkle in someone’s eye” is something my dear friend and colleague Dr. Jim Friesen talks about in his book, The Life Model: Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You. He says that some neurologists describe this concept as our most basic human need: Not only to be that sparkle but to feel the joy inside when someone lights up upon seeing us. 

Because little children can feel this joy in loving relationships, Jim says that much of life is spent trying to reconnect with that feeling. Life makes so much more sense when people around us reflect back the authentic joy that comes from simply seeing us and being with us. There is healing power in this life-breathing exchange. 

Jim goes on to say that because joy is relational, it is also a contagious experience. Joy is produced when someone is “glad to see me,” which then stirs up a bit of joy in me. And when my joy is returned, there is an increase in the giver’s joy as well. It’s a reciprocal dynamic. 

This experience goes back and forth at amazingly fast rates—six cycles per second in a nonverbal, face-to-face exchange—all the time creating a stronger joy interaction between both people. Isn’t that incredible? In fact, former Abba Project Dad Steve told me this was one of the most powerful things he learned when proofreading my book back in the editing phase. 

So what does this mean for you as a dad with your daughter?  

Here are some important things for you to know: 

1. She is innately wired with the need to be the sparkle in someone’s eyes. 

2. If not yours, she will be drawn to someone, anyone, who will light up upon seeing her. 

3. Your visual delight upon seeing her will deposit worth and value into the core of her being. 

4. If you actively reflect back to her the joy you feel when you look into her eyes, it will build her self-esteem as a gift from you to her. 

I believe that every girl needs to be the sparkle (or the light) in her dad’s eyes. You were the first man who saw her and knew her and embraced her and celebrated her. She will turn less to the counterfeit if she has experienced the real thing with you. 

Let your delight in her be pure and based on who she is as a girl, as a woman, created in the image of God, not based on what she can do or give or how she performs...or what she has done in the past. 

Connect with your daughter today and let her know that you delight in her. (I know the word “delight” isn’t typically a masculine term so feel free to use “enjoy” or “happy” instead. But, on the other hand, you may want to try telling her that she is “a delight to your heart” and see how she responds. I’d love to hear how it goes!).  

And if the two of you are separated by distance (due to her locale being other than where you are) such that she can’t watch you light up when seeing her today, at least she’ll be able to read your words in print via text, email, or letter. Your written words will tide her over until the next time you have your face-to-face interaction.  

Let the non-verbal, life-breathing exchange begin! 

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