"Dear Zelda" - My Letter to Robin Williams' Daughter

Dear Zelda,

I know you don’t know me.  And the truth is that I haven’t known of you either.  Until this week that is, when news of your dad’s passing was announced and some of your heartfelt comments were printed. I especially loved reading your post about pigeons pooping on the washed cars of those who were sending negativity.  Your dad couldn’t have said it better!   

I have found myself deeply impacted by your dad’s loss these past few days, which only made my heart bleed for you because I know that a daughter’s greatest sense of her identity comes from her father. 

I am actually an advocate for dad-daughter relationships and I give dads tools to intentionally pursue their daughter’s hearts.  It is readily apparent that you had a deep heart connection with your dad.  If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to highlight a few of the beautiful things I’m hearing in your story.

What you can cling to, even in the midst of your grief, is that you have a forever deposit in the depths of your heart and soul because of your dad’s investment in you.  Death can’t ever take that away.  You can always rest in knowing that you were cherished deeply by the first man who ever held your heart. 

I loved reading that your dad’s last Instagram post was to you on your 25th birthday.  He wanted the world to know how much he loved you and how proud he was of you.  Clearly you have been given a gift that every daughter needs in order to thrive:  to be celebrated by her dad just for being alive.

I heard that earlier this year your dad was quoted as saying, "My children give me a great sense of wonder. Just to see them develop into these extraordinary human beings."

Your dad gave you another one of the greatest gifts a dad can ever give:  He enjoyed you and knew you were and are extraordinary.  I know that many have described your dad the same way.  Sounds to me, sweet Zelda, like the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree.  

I enjoy exploring the origins of names.  Zelda means “female warrior.”  What a beautiful and powerful name you have.  I read that your dad named you after a princess.  Once again this is a forever reality that you carry regarding who you are, especially in your dad’s eyes.  You can always know that your dad viewed you as a strong beauty.  You were his princess from day one, meaning that it was never about anything you did or didn’t do but was about who you were to him.  So sweet.

I heard that your dad read the entire series of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe to you and your brothers.  I grew up reading those books too.  None better.  My favorite thing to hear was that you once asked your dad not to read the book with any silly voices but just his own.  When he did you told him that it was better that way.  You had a dad who listened to you and respected your voice.  That’s awesome!

Again, that is a gift that has forever been deposited into your life.  You’ll never settle for anything less in a man because your dad set the bar high in teaching you how a daughter should be treated by a man.  

Your dad left a delightful legacy in you.  And in the middle of your pain and loss I wanted to celebrate the incredible treasure that you are.  You will always be your dad’s little girl and you are his lasting legacy.

May your heart heal in ways that now can’t be fully comprehended.  And like you, I’ll try to keep looking up.

From one adult daughter to another....love, Michelle

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My Guest Post at 4WordWomen.org

I had the privilege of guest blogging at this beautiful site last week.  Here's a little excerpt, but click here to read the whole interview!

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Fathers and daughters. This is a unique relationship with powerful implications. Dr. Michelle Watson of The Abba Project is helping us understand exactly what this means. Michelle created The Abba Project with a desire to strengthen and improve father-daughter relationships across the country.

4word: Why is the father-daughter relationship so important?

Michelle: Where do I begin?! There are so many aspects to the father-daughter relationship that are key to a daughter’s identity that I could talk your ear off for the next hour. But I’ll rein it in and give you some basic highlights!

First, there is mounting evidence to support the fact that a girl’s sense of herself largely ties to the quality of her relationship with her dad. A father’s role in his daughter’s life impacts everything from her academic success to career decisions, from selections in romantic relationships to her sexual choices, from her self-esteem to body acceptance, to name just a few. Our individual core beliefs and core identity as women is directly shaped and fostered by our connection (or lack of) to our dad.

Now, let’s add in the spiritual realm to say that the way we interface with our dad sets the foundation for how we come to understand God as a Father. If that human relationship has been secure, consistent, fair, loving, and safe, we will most often project those qualities onto Father God. And when the opposite is true, it makes sense that God would be the last person a wounded woman would want to trust. Horizontal injury with our dad easily lead to vertical confusion, angst, and mistrust with our heavenly Dad.

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... Go to http://www.4wordwomen.org/blog/2014/08/even-grown-up-girls-need-their-dad/ to read the full interview.

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What I've Discovered About Men...

I acknowledge that as a woman I am not an expert on men.  But there are a few things I’ve observed about you guys over the years. My reason for writing this is to gain some credibility that might help you feel more inclined to read my book if you sense that I “get you.” Here are my thoughts in random order:

One thing I deeply appreciate about men is that information pretty much stays in the vault. As a general rule, men don’t spill the beans, are less reactive than women, and tend to stay calm under pressure----at least on the outside. I highly value this about you.

But there is also a downside to this dynamic. More often than not, men tend to hold things in and not talk about what is really going on inside (granted, this is a generalization so I realize that this doesn’t apply to all of you). I’ve also noticed that men are not inclined to ask for help even if you really could use it.

Oftentimes men tend to “go it alone” more than women do. Maybe it’s that men think it’s wimpy to talk about feelings or needs or struggles or failures, especially with other men. Regardless of the reasoning, there seems to be an underlying driving force that keeps men from opening up about the “hard stuff.”

I've also discovered that men would rather do nothing than do it wrong. But here's the bottom line:  Doing nothing IS doing it wrong.  

Now let’s transition to the topic of parenting, with a specific focus on fathering a daughter.  When it comes to being a dad to your girl, you want to be her hero.  You want her to look up to you and respect you.  And even if you haven’t said it this way exactly, you can appreciate the fact that she needs you to be consistent and intentional.  

Let me say it another way:  As a dad you’re aware that you are either building a solid foundation or a wobbly one, and you know it's up to you to decide which it will be.  And because you understand the cost-benefit ratios involved in the world of investing, you are committed to leaving a positive legacy in the daughter you helped to bring into the world.

I'm going to shoot straight with you:  When it comes to being a great dad, I’m sure you’ve felt the heat from your wife or partner when you’ve blown it and not measured up. I believe you are as disappointed in yourself as she is in you.  

Here’s how that breaks down for us women:  Sometimes we see your inaction, men, as passivity, apathy, or neglect. This leads to my observation that a man's lack of action oftentimes comes from a place of honest appraisal of his own deficits.  Then this cycles back into the “men would rather do nothing than do it wrong” dynamic, which leads to a negative outcome relationally (I’m sure you’ve all been here before, right?!)

My goal with The Abba Project and my book Dad, Here’s What I Really Need From You:  A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart is to equip you with tools to navigate the challenging waters of fathering your daughter.  I want to help dads decode their daughters so that their success rate in relating goes up!  I want to see men move to action (out of passivity, apathy, or neglect) so they can hit the ball out of the park when it comes to fathering.

I want to help you be the hero that you want to be and the hero that your daughter needs to be.

I’ve worked with men long enough professionally to know that many of you struggle to “share your feelings.” I’m not naïve enough to think that dads will gather in groups with me and immediately pour out their deepest fears, failures, regrets, and thoughts. Yet I am hopeful enough to believe - like Kevin Costner in Field of Dreams - if I build it, you will come. The Abba Project is my field of dreams and dads are coming. 

Yet whether or not you join my group, the reality wherever you are is this: One dad at a time, if you commit to this process, you will see that there is real possibility to bring health, healing, and vitality to your daughter's life simply by pursuing her heart in proactive, constant, deliberate, loving ways.  

What I’ve discovered about men is that you are happier and feel better about life when you know that you are being an invested dad.  There’s no better time than the present to be the dad you know you need to be. Start by taking action today and you’ll get to be a part of the best miracle ever:  growing a radiant, confident, healthy daughter!

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The Father Wound of Anger

If you were to walk up to me and ask, “Michelle, if you could give me one piece of advice about where to deliberately focus my attention so that I’m not perpetuating the cycle of father wounds onto my daughter, what would it be?” Without hesitation I would say:  Stop venting your anger at your daughter.

Your anger destroys her spirit. 
Your anger shuts her down. 
Your anger makes her give up. 
Your anger makes her believe that she unloveable and unworthy and not worth loving. 
Your anger crushes the core of who she is.

Even if you feel justified in your expression of anger at her, stop and first ground yourself before exploding.  I hear more stories from girls on how their dad’s anger deeply impacts them than I do anything else about their dads.  I see the pain in their eyes as they tell the story and my heart breaks because I know their dads love them but oftentimes when he’s has had one too many things go wrong in his day with little to no margin left, he comes home and his daughter gets the fumes.  It doesn’t take much for him then to blow, often treating her in a way that he later regrets, but by then the damage is done.  She is left bleeding on the inside.
 
Remember Dad that you are modeling for her the way that she should expect to be treated by a guy she dates and a guy she one day will marry.
 
In your interactions with her perhaps it would help for you to think back to the day she was born when you saw her as a fragile flower. 
 
Recall how gently you held her, careful not to break her.  You took extra precaution so as not to drop her head or jiggle her body too aggressively.  You made sure you didn’t talk too loud or shout in order not to scare her.  Do you remember that feeling of being overwhelmed with her adorable little features while thinking that you had never held anything so small or beautiful. 
 
Truth be told:  This is how you still need to think of “holding her.”  She is still just as delicate on the inside as the day she was born.  She needs to be handled with kid gloves.
 
One key thing that my dad has had to do with me is soften his tone in order to connect with me (and sometimes it’s been me who has had to soften with him so I know this goes both ways).  I know this is something that doesn’t come naturally for him or any man for that matter but it can be done!
 
I believe that a man can change his anger patterns by truly looking at the one he loves in her eyes to see into her soul.  I’m not expecting you to be super human or perfect but do want to challenge you to make a commitment today to make a new covenant with your mouth to not vent anger at your daughter from this day forward.  When triggered, just walk away and ground yourself first before responding.
 
Make a decision to consistently water your little flower with your words of life!

Do Men Really Read Blogs?

I’ve been running an unofficial survey by asking men this question:  Do you ever read blogs?
 
Here are the results I have found so far:  My musician friends say they do read blogs yet the dads in The Abba Project unanimously say they don't.  This confirmed my bias that men don’t read blogs!
 
So I have chosen to put my energies elsewhere rather than writing blogs that men don’t read! (since men are my target audience). 
 
But now that I’ve signed a book contract with Harvest House for my upcoming book Changing Girls Lives One Dad At A Time (slated for release in September 2014), they say I need more of a social media presence.  You can clearly see that I’m in a bit of a quandary.  I definitely have a passion to reach dads across America while helping to decode their daughters with a goal of helping them more intentionally dial in to them, and I really would love to do that even before my book comes out, but I can’t do that without men reading my blog.
 
I need your help!  Do you have any ideas on how I can connect more efficiently with dads even though blog-reading may not be their favorite past time?
 
I’m all ears!  Talk to me!!!