26 Ways to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy—from N to Z [Part 2]

Hey Dad...

Today is part 2 of a 2-part series on 26 proactive ways you can invest in your daughter to help strengthen her core identity to increase her mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health. 

As you read in my last blog, at first glance it might sound like a strange title coming from a Licensed Professional Counselor with a PhD in Psychology who’s been in private practice for 30 years! Are you wondering why I would suggest keeping your daughter OUT of therapy when my livelihood is based on people being IN therapy?! 

My goal again today is to highlight your influence as a GirlDad when it comes to investing in her so that you’re contributing more than contaminating…with MORE POSITIVE RELATIONAL DEPOSITS AND LESS NEGATIVE WITHDRAWALS. 

This is also about being committed to doing whatever it takes to REPAIR the relationship after there’s been RUPTURE. All of this increases secure attachment.

I’ll begin by reviewing the first 13 ways from my last blog to proactively invest in your daughter---from A to M. And then here below I’ll give you the final 13---from N to Z.

I’ll also attach a pdf at the end that you can print out as a reminder of these important action steps. You’ll also get a link to The Dad Whisperer Podcast where I talk about each one in more detail. Here goes!

Admit when you’re wrong. 

Build her confidence with true praise and affirmation. 

Criticize never. 

Drop your anger. 

Expect more of yourself than of your daughter. 

Forgive easily and quickly. 

Guidance. 

Hug her often. 

Initiate regular dates with her. 

Jesus.

Knowledge.

Listen more.

Momentum. 

No is a powerful word. Giving your daughter permission to say “no” to you is as important as her saying “yes.” This means you’ll have to let her practice disagreeing with you or pushing back, which will strengthen her ability to do the same out in the world. So even when she says “no” to you [as long as she’s not in danger and it’s appropriate to do so], you’ll grow in staying calm so she can “co-regulate with you” as she learns to regulate her own nervous system. 

Pace. To be honest, in my counseling practice, there are times I would love my clients to work through things faster so they don’t have to suffer so long. At other times I just don’t want them to keep making the same mistakes. But I have to put on my “patience hat” and walk with them at their pace, not mine. It’s the same with fathering your daughter. Make it your goal to pace with her at her age and stage of development as she learns to process life one step at a time. 

Questions. Asking good questions is a key strategy to strengthen relationships. The best way to keep the conversation going with your daughter is to listen for the key word or last word in her sentence (or paragraph), then follow up with more questions about what she just shared before commenting. Ask: Who? What? When? Where? Why? How? She’ll talk more if you learn to ask better questions! 

Reframe. Think of it this way: When you put a different colored mat or frame around a picture, it changes the entire look. Similarly, when you look at the situation with your daughter from a different angle, considering an alternate perspective, you help yourself and your daughter expand your capacity to see things with more insight and deeper meaning, leading to greater connection and understanding.

Servant leadership. The best way to lead is by example. Show your daughter what it’s like to serve others sacrificially. Volunteer together. And as you model this behavior where you find joy in serving her, your family, and her mom [even if you’re divorced], you will grow…and so will she.

Time. Because love is spelled T-I-M-E, remember that you don’t achieve quality time without quantity time.

Understanding. When you say to your daughter, “I know I don’t understand, but I want to understand. Can you help me understand?”, it will go a long way in letting her see how much you care. Your desire to understand her invites her into a sacred space with you as she figures things out by talking things out. 

Vulnerability. This quality of honest transparency [with age-appropriate boundaries, of course] builds a strong bridge to your daughter’s heart. Share with her some of the things you’ve learned the hard way and she will internalize that strength by seeing it’s in her DNA to overcome obstacles and never give up. 

Wipe her tears. Get close enough to her tears to wipe and dry them, which is another way of saying you’re increasing your empathy skills. When she lets you see her tears, she’s trusting you with her heart and her hurt. We “trauma bond” with those who are safe enough to be trusted with our tears. 

Xtend grace. Grace means unmerited favor. When you remember that you wouldn’t be where you are without a lot of grace being shown to you, it will help you give that same tolerance more easily to your daughter. 

Yes. You’ve heard of the movie, “Yes Day” where the parents say “YES” to every request from their child for one full day. What if you did the same and found ways to say “YES” to your daughter’s needs for an entire day in the near future. Option 2: You could also practice this with yourself where you say “YES” to more time with your daughter, which will require you to say “NO” to other things.

Zip it! Yes, you’re her dad and you’re leading and guiding and correcting…and on it goes. This is your God-given role in your daughter’s life for sure. But what if you were intentional in the next week or two about NOT saying something you want to say to her---maybe it’s a consequence or a lecture or a lesson. Instead, take longer to respond and wait to comment. Watch what happens in her…and you. I think it’s worth a try! 

So there you have it…26 ways to keep your daughter out of therapy by strengthening your skill set as her dad.

Like I said in my last blog, I want to see a generation of healthier women rise up who are living out of their core strength rather than from a place of weaknesses, injuries, and wounds. So anything you can do, Dad, to offset your daughter having unnecessary wounds from you while connecting more positively with you, the better for her, the better for our society…and the better for you! 

[Here’s a pdf of all 26 Ways to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy: Part 2

And if you’d like to listen to a recording of where I talk about this in more detail on The Dad Whisperer Podcast, here’s the link:  “How to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy"]

26 Ways to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy—from N to Z [Part 2]

26 Ways to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy—from A to M [Part 1]

As you read the title of my blog, at first glance it might sound like a strange title coming from a Licensed Professional Counselor with a PhD in Psychology who’s been in private practice for almost 30 years! Are you wondering why I would suggest keeping your daughter OUT of therapy when my livelihood is based on people being IN therapy?!

Now that I have your attention, let me explain.

My goal today is to inform you about your influence as a GirlDad when it comes to investing in your daughter’s mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health, which research states is something you can contribute to…or contaminate.

As you know, in relationships we either make deposits or withdrawals into the “bank accounts” of those in our relational sphere. And your deposits and withdrawals have a HUGE impact on your daughter’s mental and emotional health. So if you want to keep your daughter out of therapy, you’ll need to make MORE DEPOSITS AND LESS WITHDRAWALS.

This isn’t saying you need to be perfect. Quite the contrary. This is about doing REPAIR after there’s been RUPTURE. And I have more good news. Your daughter will be healthier, stronger and more resilient as you consistently and intentionally invest in her with repetitions that confirm she can rely on you. All of this is essentially the definition of secure attachment.

The more your daughter is secure in experiencing you as supportive and loving, the more she will internalize your strength, love, and validation. And that security will build an internal positive base in her to last a lifetime.

This is how she’ll experience LESS depression, anxiety, body dissatisfaction, eating disorders, and unhealthy relationships.…and MORE confidence, academic and career success, and resilience, etc.

To make this list of 26 proactive strategies easier to remember, here’s my list from A to Z (which seems fitting since it’s back-to-school time, don’t you think?!). Today I’ll share the first 13, and in two weeks I’ll give you the final 13. This gives you two weeks to put these first 13 into action!

Admit when you’re wrong. This is a great starting point as a GirlDad. “Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God and He will exalt you in due time.” (I Peter 5:6) Enough said!

Build her confidence with true praise and affirmation. Every positive word you say and every positive thing you do is an installment in the foundation of your daughter’s identity.

Criticize never. You can correct her and address issues that need input or course correction, but never do it in a condescending or critical way that diminishes who she is. Make sure you never engage in name calling, belittling, shaming or condemning her. Address the behavior, not her identity.

Drop your anger. Your anger will do more to discourage and destroy your daughter than anything else. So make a proactive decision today to never respond in anger. Instead, walk away and then come back once you’ve cooled down. I appreciate what one dad recently told me, “I’ve always tried to control my anger, but it hasn’t worked. I’m now finally getting it and I’m hearing you. I need to make a decision to drop my anger, not just try to control it.”

Expect more of yourself than of your daughter. Be an example, remembering that your actions speaker louder than your words. Sometimes it’s easy to forget what it was like at her age so set your expectations realistically according to her stage of development, personality, birth order, wiring, gifts, and limitations.

Forgive easily and quickly. Model to your daughter what it looks like to be human as you’re willing to forgive after you’ve been hurt or disrespected, without retaliation. This is especially important if there’s been divorce. After naming the injury, choose to let go of the hurt. God forgave you so you can forgive her…and others.

Guidance. If you’re going to give input to your daughter, you have to get close enough to her heart for her to trust what you say. Remember the 5:1 Love Bank principle where you want to make 5 relational deposits to 1 withdrawal, which results in a higher likelihood that your daughter will listen to and follow your input.

Hug her often. Safe and respectful physical touch from a dad to his daughter is internalized in a way that lets her know you value and love her.

Initiate regular dates with her. This is intentional time where you pursue her heart by spending one-on-one time just with her. Tell her what you enjoy about her and ensure that she knows how much you treasure her.

Jesus. When Jesus met people at the point of their need, he led with love, truth, and grace. Hard as that may be to follow His lead, you can rest in knowing He’s walking with you. He said, “Apart from Me, you can do nothing.” (John 15:5). So it makes your job easier when you let Jesus give your daughter something through you that you can’t give in your own strength. This is when the supernatural supersedes the natural.

Knowledge. Be curious and interested in knowing about your daughter’s world…her friends, classes, favorite music, food preferences, jobs, dreams, struggles, hopes, faith, family relationships, interests, hobbies, etc. Make a commitment to learn more about her world by paying more attention to the little things, meeting her friends, asking questions, etc.

Listen more. The best way to know your daughter is to ask great questions, followed with intentional listening without interrupting. This is hard work because it means you have to slow down without formulating an immediate response. It’s the whole “two-ears-one-mouth” principle where you listen twice as much as you talk. I guarantee she’ll feel your love and will open up more if you practice honing your listening skills.

Momentum. This is about consistency and rhythms through the up’s and down’s of life. It’s about not letting relational setbacks deter your focus on the goal of contending for health and wholeness in your relationship. This is about looking at the big picture by faith, without being discouraged when one decision or action or interaction seems like it’s moving in the opposite direction.

So there it is…the first 13 ways [of 26] to keep your daughter out of therapy by strengthening your skill set as her dad.

The truth is that I want to see a generation of healthier women rise up who are living out of their core strength rather than from a place of weaknesses, injuries, and wounds. So anything you can do, Dad, to offset your daughter having unnecessary wounds from you while connecting more positively with you, the better for her, the better for our society…and the better for you!

[If you’d like to listen to a recording of where I talk about this in more detail on The Dad Whisperer Podcast, here’s the link: “How to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy."

A Back-to-School Power Prayer for your Daughter

As your daughter begins this new school year, you’re aware that there are influences around her all day, every day. As her father, you will see potential pitfalls and speed bumps that may impact her in the ways she navigates her schedule, friends, grades, activities, sports, and on it goes.

I truly believe the best way to put your love into action is through the power of prayer.

I just finished reading a great book by Mark Batterson titled, In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day and I was profoundly convicted and inspired when reading these words

“There are only two ways to live your life: survival mode or prayer mode. Survival mode is simply reacting to the circumstances around you…Prayer mode is the exact opposite. Your spiritual antenna is up and your radar is on…If you want to see and seize God-ordained opportunities, you’ve got to live in prayer mode.”

So Dad, as you talk to your Heavenly Father about your daughter, you’re aligning your heart with His heart for your girl.

Imagine if you were to pray the same prayer for her every day over the next nine months.

THIS, my friend, is one way you can live out the truth of James 5:16…

The heartfelt and persistent prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much when put into action and made effective by God—it is dynamic and can have tremendous power.

Did you catch two key words here? HEARTFELT and PERSISTENT.

We already know your heart is turned towards your daughter or you wouldn’t be reading this blog. Now for the persistent part. This means being tenacious, determined, stubborn and tireless.

If you’re ready to put your heart into action with powerful prayers for your daughter, I encourage you to write out your prayers and commit to speaking them out to the Father daily.

Here are five incredible Scriptures you can pray for her protection and growth throughout this school year. You can even let her know you’re praying these specific truths for her!

1. May the Lord bless you and keep you; May the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; May the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you His peace.
   (Numbers 6:24-26)
   

2. I pray that out of his glorious riches the Father may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being.
   (Ephesians 3:16)
   

3. God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.
   (2 Timothy 1:7)
   

4. I can’t stop thanking God for you. Every time I pray, I give thanks. But I do more than thank. I ask Jesus to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you
    to do and grasp the immensity of this better way of life.
   (Ephesians 1:18-19)
   

5. Put on the full armor of God…Stand firm with the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, and the shoes of peace. Take up the shield of faith and put on the helmet of salvation while holding the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
   (Ephesians 6:13-17)

Dad, the time is now to provide spiritual covering for your daughter like never before. As you believe God to strengthen her during this next school year, both of you will celebrate the answers to your powerful prayers when you look back at the end of the year.

And this is your opportunity to put your faith into action as a man who is tenacious, determined, stubborn and tireless. Go Dad!

Why Your Teenage Daughter Needs Your CALM, Not Control

Let’s face it: Raising a teenage daughter can feel like a mix of emotional landmines and missed curfews—with a side of “Who even are you right now?”

As Girldads, we want the best for our daughters.
But as they pull away and start to run their own lives, it’s easy to default to frustration, authority, or even ultimatums.

And that’s exactly why self-control becomes one of our greatest tools—not for changing them, but for leading them.

One Dad’s Story: From Ultimatum to Humility

A father and mother were exhausted by their teen daughter’s behavior—disrespectful, irresponsible, and heading toward serious consequences.

They planned a sit-down. Tough love was the only option.
Dad even started writing a list: Here’s what needs to change—or you’ll need to move out.

It was heartbreaking. He couldn’t imagine what would happen if she left.

Then he flipped the page over.

And he wrote his list.
Things he needed to change.
Habits. Tone. Presence. Priorities.

And when his daughter came home, he didn’t lead with anger.
He led with honesty. With humility. With self-control.
That conversation didn’t explode—it connected.
Because his posture invited her heart to open.

Why Self-Control Matters More Than EveR

Here’s the hard truth:
You can’t control your daughter.
Not really. Not anymore.

But you can influence her. And that influence starts with how you respond when everything in you wants to react.

Self-control is what builds bridges instead of walls.
It’s what transforms battles into conversations.
It’s what earns trust instead of fear.

What Self-Control Looks Like as a Dad

• Holding your tongue when sarcasm is itching to speak.

• Walking away when you need to cool down.

• Pausing before punishment to pray and reflect.

• Admitting when you’re wrong—even when it’s uncomfortable.

• Choosing conversation over command.

These actions say:

“I’m still in your corner—even when things are hard.”

If you stay the course in CALMing yourself, these four attributes will become the hallmark of your father-daughter relationship:

Closeness

Attachment

Listening

Modeling

A Simple Exercise That Can Change Everything

Try this:

1. Write down everything you wish would change about your daughter’s behavior.

2. Flip the page.

3. Now write what you could change to support her growth.

You might be surprised—maybe even convicted.
But this kind of reflection creates a foundation for healing, respect, and real maturity.

From Control to Connection

Teenagers are in a tug-of-war between dependence and independence.
They’re asking:

• Am I safe?

• Do you respect me?

• Are you going to explode—or walk with me through this?

When you choose self-control, you answer those questions with stability and strength.
And you earn the right to walk alongside her in her journey to adulthood.

Ken Canfield PhD, is a nationally-known leader and scholar, and has committed his life to strengthening fathers and families. He founded and is president of the National Center for Fathering (www.fathers.com), as well as the National Association for Grandparenting (www.grandkidsmatter.org), and continues to engage in several organizations dedicated to improving family well-being.

Dad-Daughter Friday Blog | Affirming Your Daughter from A to Z

Hey Dad…

Let’s talk today about a straight-forward-get-to-the-point way to bless the socks off your daughter by using the alphabet as your writing guide. This is an entertaining way to tell your daughter what you love about her from A to Z.

All you’ll do is use each letter of the alphabet as your prompt to tell her the qualities you Appreciate, Admire, and Adore about her…all the way to telling her the Zillion things you love and enjoy about her.

And even if you’ve done this in the past, trust me when I say she’ll never tire of being affirmed by you and I’m guessing she needs to hear your words again today. 

I’ll get you started...“Honey, in my eyes you are Adorable/Adventurous, Beautiful/Brave, Clever/Creative, Daring/Diligent, Extraordinary/Enthusiastic...”

A. _______________________________________________

B. _______________________________________________

C. _______________________________________________

D. _______________________________________________

E. _______________________________________________

F. _______________________________________________

G. _______________________________________________

H. _______________________________________________

I. _______________________________________________

J. _______________________________________________

K. _______________________________________________

L. _______________________________________________

M. _______________________________________________

N. _______________________________________________

O. _______________________________________________

P. _______________________________________________

Q. _______________________________________________

R. _______________________________________________

S. _______________________________________________

T. _______________________________________________

U. _______________________________________________

V. _______________________________________________

W. _______________________________________________

X. _______________________________________________

Y. _______________________________________________

Z. _______________________________________________

For a double benefit from this exercise, take what you’ve written and read it to her on your dad-daughter date. Then she can keep what you’ve written, adding strength to the words you share. And if she lives a distance away where you can’t connect in person, mail her your words so she has something in her mailbox to stand out from technology in real time.

In doing this, it’s as easy as can be to increase your fathering literacy…from A to Z! 

10 Do's for Leading Your Daughter to Resolve Conflict

In my last blog you learned 10 things NOT to do (I called them “DON’T’s”) when it comes to leading the way in resolving conflicts with your daughter. And today is Part 2 with 10 things to DO to bring peace to your daughter during stressful times. 

These conflict resolution skills are designed to help YOU stay grounded to lead your daughter to a positive resolution with you at the helm.

You notice I’m using the word LEAD more than once. This is because it’s up to YOU to take the initiative to model healthy responses to your daughter. I know it’s easier said than done, but because your little apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree, the better able you are to stay regulated and calm, the better able she’ll be to follow your lead and regulate herself.

Before I share the DO’s list for solid conflict resolution, let’s review the DON’T’s of things to avoid as you help your daughter resolve conflicts in a positive way with you, her siblings and friends. (At the end of this blog, I’m attaching a pdf you can copy off and put it in a prominent place as a reminder of these 20 truths). 

10 DON’T’s for Leading Your Daughter to Resolve Conflicts:

1. DON’T raise your voice and escalate by yelling.

2. DON’T fire words at her, coupled with intense emotion in an attempt to gain control of her and/or the situation.

3. DON’T disrespect her while demanding that she respect you.

4. DON’T forget that she will follow your example.

5. DON’T expect her to be the first to soften her tone and react right.

6. DON’T demand that she immediately respond to what you say or ask.

7. DON’T walk away while shouting or reacting.

8. DON’T make fun of her for what she says or how she feels.

9. DON’T go it alone.

10. DON’T believe the lie that you don’t matter when it comes to shaping your daughter’s life and identity.

Whew….you made it through the list of DON’T’s! Well done. Now take a breath and soak in the positive things you can do to help turn things in a better direction when the intensity increases…in you and your daughter.

10 DO's to Lead Your Daughter to Resolve Conflict:

1. DO treat her the way you want to be treated. (If you want her to respect you and/or her mom, your home/rules, etc., make sure you’re modeling what respect looks like in action).

2. DO lead by example. (You’re a leader, whether you know it or not. Your daughter will follow your lead by watching how you respond to her and those around you).

3. DO stay calm and filter every word that comes out of your mouth. (Do this just like you do when you’re at your best, in a public place, or on the job while being mindful that your responses are being watched and they matter. This requires self-control, which is a fruit of the Spirit so He will help you if you ask).

4. DO take a “time out” when you’re triggered that matches your age. (For example, if you’re 35 years old, take 35 minutes to walk away from the situation so your brain can calm itself. Then come back and continue the interaction. You’ll never regret waiting to address something later…guarantee it!)

5. DO be the first to admit wrong and ask forgiveness for your part in the conflict. (When you own your stuff, take responsibility, and make amends, she will respond positively to your vulnerability and humility).

6. DO try texting or writing a note to express yourself. (This will allow her to hear your words without being triggered or overwhelmed by the intensity of your words, tone, and body language).

7. DO ask your daughter’s mom or other adult females to help you decode your daughter and better understand her point of view. (Be open to input from others to expand your awareness beyond what you know or have experienced).

8. DO get close enough to see her eyes during the conflict and seek to validate the place inside where she is hurting. (Eyes are the window to the soul and when you see her hurt, you’ll be better able to reach her heart).

9. DO listen more than talk as you seek to grasp what she’s saying and hear where she needs you to understand. (Ask more questions than giving statements because the more she feels heard, seen and understood by you, the quicker she’ll calm down and co-regulate with you. Communicate that you want to understand and need her help to do so).

10. DO rest assured that long after the conflict is over, she will remember that you loved her as you’ve sought to win her heart more than the argument. (This is about looking at the bigger picture and thinking about the long game beyond the present moment and conflict).

These 20 specific ways to be a leader in your home as you seek to model relational health with your daughter. And though every one of these skills takes practice, they provide a road map for intentional, positive investment in her life.

As I shared last time, I trust this list of DO’s and DON’T’s serves to remind you during challenging moments that you can actually strengthen your relationship with your daughter and deepen your bond by how you proactively work through the situation to a positive resolution.

To download the PDF with all 20 Do's and Don'ts, click here. 

I’m cheering you on as you DECREASE YOUR DON’T’s and INREASE YOUR DO’s when it comes to being a conflict resolver. Go Dad!

10 Don’t’s for Leading Your Daughter to Resolve Conflict

We all know that being good at resolving conflict is not easy. Do I hear an “amen”?!

The reality is that being competent at resolving conflict is a learned skill, not something we’re innately wired to do.

Of course there are certain personalities that tend to run hot (which can be tied to individual wiring, trauma triggers, birth order, etc.), yet we all can benefit from a refresher course in strengthening our base when it comes to being more proactive and less reactive when it comes to handling conflicts and disagreements. Are you with me?!

As a GirlDad, you clearly know that more is caught than taught. So as you model what it looks like to be a conflict-resolver, your daughter will grow along with you. And the more you’re able to de-escalate the situation by regulating and calming your own nervous system responses, the more peace there will be in and with your daughter.

Today I’m sharing 10 things NOT to do to increase the likelihood of a positive resolution with your daughter when it comes to conflict resolution. This will help in your relationship with her, and also as you help her resolve conflicts with siblings and friends.

Then in in two weeks I’ll give you the other side with 10 things TO DO to resolve conflict with your daughter. (I’ll attach a pdf next time so you can copy it off and put it in a prominent place to remind you of these truths).

 
10 DON’T’s for Leading Your Daughter to Resolve Conflicts:

1.  DON’T raise your voice and escalate by yelling. (If you don’t want her to raise her voice, scream, swear, rage, come unhinged, etc., then you must lead the way by refusing to engage in any of these behaviors first).
   

2. DON’T fire words at her, coupled with intense emotion in an attempt to gain control of her and/or the situation. (Set a time limit with yourself--even now--and practice being self-aware as to when it’s wisdom to take a break. When you control yourself, you’re positively helping to resolve the conflict by decreasing the flow of reactivity).
   

3. DON’T disrespect her while demanding that she respect you. (This one is tricky because you obviously have to intervene if there’s harm to herself or others, and there needs to be an intervention. But as a rule, be mindful of modeling respect, which includes honoring her ‘no’ and negotiating a later conversation after you’ve both calmed down).
   

4. DON’T forget that she will follow your example. (This goes both ways---positive and negative. It’s called “Laws of the Harvest” where you reap what you sow in her life. The more you water the soil of her heart with consistent, nurturing deposits, the more she’ll grow and be full of life).
   

5. DON’T expect her to be the first to soften her tone and react right. (This is a hard one at times when you have to be the mature one when everything in you wants to react to her reaction. But it’s up to you to set the pace for relational health as you lead the way).
   

6. DON’T demand that she immediately respond to what you say or ask. (Remember that when her mid-brain is on fire and there’s upset and overwhelm, she needs time to cool off before she can listen or talk rationally).
   

7. DON’T walk away while shouting or reacting. (Let her know if you need to leave the room or the call, you will come back in “x” number of minutes so she is clear about your expectations and knows there will be an attempt at resolution later).
   

8. DON’T make fun of her for what she says or how she feels. (This is especially true if she makes no sense to you and her problems seems insignificant or invalid).
   

9.  DON’T go it alone. (Allow yourself to ask for help, support, and input from other dads, other women who were once your daughter’s age, as well as a counselor, mentor or pastor).
   

10. DON’T believe the lie that you don’t matter when it comes to shaping your daughter’s life and identity. (This goes beyond the current conflict and serves as a reminder that with every difficult situation, there is an opportunity to go deeper relationally with your daughter.)

Dad, I know it’s never fun, pleasant, or easy to navigate conflict, especially when it’s with your daughter whom you love with all your heart. And because it’s a normal part of relational health to have disagreements, it’s all about learning how to positively work through things rather than avoiding conflict.

I trust this list of ‘DON’T’s’ serves to remind you during challenging moments that you can actually strengthen your relationship with your daughter and deepen your bond by how you proactively work through the situation to a positive resolution.

I’m cheering you on as you DECREASE YOUR DON’T’S when it comes to being a conflict resolver. And in two weeks you’ll get the DO’s list…so be sure to follow along for Part 2. Go Dad!

What You Have to Gain by Engaging Your Daughter’s Heart

Happy Father’s Day weekend, Dad!

I’m cheering for you today as a father and a GirlDad. And whether you’re in a strong and amazing place with your daughter or you’re struggling with her in this season, the fact remains that you’re a dad and this is a day of celebration for being part of the story God is writing in her life…and yours.

As you know, I LOVE championing you as you dial in to your daughter’s heart so she can be all God has created her to be…with you in her cheering section throughout her entire life.

And when professionals and clinicians address practical ways to raise healthy sons and daughters, most often the focus is on the positive benefit to children. Yet today I want to change things up a bit and talk about the POSITIVE, PROACTIVE, AND POWERFUL IMPACT TO YOUR LIFE that takes place when you engage your daughter’s heart.

As I reflect on the decade-plus of coaching dads of daughters while challenging them to invest strategically, consistently, and intentionally in their daughter’s lives (with a minimum once-a-month dad-daughter date with more vulnerable and honest conversation), I think of how impacted I’ve been in hearing them share---with one word---the GAINS they experienced through the process.

I asked these men to describe their experience---and benefit---of spending nine months in The Abba Project with a goal to bond and connect more with their daughters. Here are some of the favorite words I’ve heard:

• Introspective

• Growth-producing

• Worthwhile

• Enlightening

• Intense

• Authentic

• Inspirational (which led another dad to add, “Perspirational!”)

• Educational

• Encouraging

• Transformative

• Eye-opening

• Rewarding

How many of these words describe YOU as a GirlDad?

If your words are similar to what these dads have said, to you I say, “Well done!”

However, if the words you would use to describe yourself in this season with your daughter are less optimistic than these words above, I encourage you to follow the lead of hundreds of other dads who made a decision to be more intentional about heart pursuit of their daughter no matter the odds

(This is why I’ve written books, specifically Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters, to equip you to lead and connect more with your daughters).

Yes, many of the men I’ve coached were facing very challenging dynamics with their girls. Many started from a place of discouragement, rejection, even estrangement. But each one committed to doing his part in reaching out to his daughter, and every one saw growth in himself, even if his daughter still responded in less-than-positive ways.

Listen to more first-person testimonies of GAIN by committing to this process:

• “It’s been a lot of work, but worth it. I believe I have grown.”

• “While this process is different for every dad, you gave me every tool I needed. What I can say now is that there’s no finish line for being a dialed-in dad!”

• “It’s been a tough year with my fifteen-year-old. Then earlier last week she was angry with me and wouldn’t talk to me for two days, but I can tell I’m responding differently than I used to . . . and we just had a breakthrough this weekend! She came up and hugged me and said, ‘I like hugs.’ Since then she keeps hugging me, and I tell her that I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.’”

• “I’m now fathering my daughters with greater vision, which has really developed and increased my capacity for reaching them. My resource well has deepened, and I more frequently draw from that well now.”

• “The more I learn, the more I realize I don’t know as much as I thought I did. In other words, I can be a good dad already, but now I admit I have lots of room for improvement, especially when it comes to speaking Venusian!”

I long to see dads across America become more intentional in the ways they pursue, engage, and connect with their daughters just like these brave men who stepped into uncharted territory.

The key is not giving up before you reach the finish line, while being committed to talking through as many of the upcoming questionnaires with your daughter as are applicable. If you do give up, you’ll inadvertently convey that she’s not worth the effort.

Daddy, Daddy...Watch Me!

I still remember the day I went for a run when a woman with two little dogs on separate leashes stopped to give them a breather and enthusiastically said to me, “Wow...you’re a fast runner!"

I was stunned but kept going, only then to have few clumsy words tumble out of my mouth in response, "Oh, bless your heart.”

You've got to understand. I am not a fast runner. Okay, maybe if you put me up against a first grader I might be considered fast. But that’s about it, even on a good day.

I actually started jogging the summer after my senior year of high school. Even still I only run in very small doses. And sometimes when the weather is bad I decide I’m not in the mood and then take the whole week off. This simply translates to the fact that I don’t invest much time into this sport and consequently I’m a bit slow on the draw.

But here’s what I noticed after being applauded and celebrated by a complete stranger.

I noticed how her empowering words had a very powerful impact on my energy, my mood, and my stride. In fact, her words echoed repeatedly in my head and I not only started telling myself that I must be a fast runner if this lady said I was, but I literally started running with slightly increased speed!

The result is that I embodied her observation.

There really is something robust and potent in positive words spoken, even random observatory words from a bystander.

This got me thinking back to when I was a little girl. I remember wanting my dad to notice when I was running fast or doing something that required an extra dose of physical strength or stamina. I wanted him to watch and be proud of me for working hard and pushing hard. Those two things always went hand in hand.

There was something about my dad applauding me that seemed to make it more true and valid. Another way to say it is that we as daughters thrive when we have a dad who believes in us even when we don’t believe in ourselves.

Dad, your daughter needs you to see her now, just like when she was a little girl.

And since a picture is worth a thousand words, this one says it all.

Here’s my friend Jay, a dad who now is cheering on his daughter from heaven. I love this picture he posted on social media a few years ago where he was actively engaging with his precious daughter Ava.

Both the picture and his corresponding words have melted my heart when he wrote: “Her biggest weapon on the field is laughter.” 

My first thought at reading Jay’s words and seeing this picture was: “How incredible that he’s close enough to hear her laugh.”  

Though this dad now only hears his daughter’s laugh from afar, his words still ring true. I know his forever deposits into her life are still yielding positive dividends today. And I imagine Ava is still saying to her dad as he watches and listens from his heavenly home, “Daddy, Daddy…watch me!”

Dad, remember that cheering from the stands is well and good. But always make sure you’re close enough to hear and see her up close too.