10 Things Dialed-In Dads Don't Do

Being a dad who stays the course with your daughter is easier said than done.  Let’s be honest, when she was younger and used less words she was easier to track with.  But as she has matured and grown, so have her needs and wants…and words!  That’s often where you dads get overwhelmed and lost.  

As a way to support your deep desire to truly dial in to your daughter’s heart, here are a few things that I’ve learned along the way, ten land mines to avoid if you want to raise a healthy, vibrant, loving, and spirited daughter.  

Here’s what not to do and say if you really want to be a fantastic dad:

1. Tell her she’s too emotional

The reality is that as women we have 11% more neurons in our brain centers involved in hearing and language as compared to men, leading us oftentimes to be better skilled at expressing emotions. I’ve even read that women retain emotional memories more vividly than men do, which serves as another piece of the puzzle when it comes to you as a dad honoring the wiring of your daughter, particularly when it comes to emotional responses.

2.  Require her to talk calmly and rationally in order to communicate with you

I do understand that most men “flood” [a.k.a. zone out] when there is too much emotion coming at you because it feels like you need to fix and have the answers.  However, the more you can be a sounding board as your daughter vents and expresses, the more of a gift you are to her.  When we can talk and express while feeling our emotions, the more calm we will automatically become as a result.  Just remember that you don’t have to fix it.  Listening to her is the best gift you can give.

3.  Criticize her

There’s a difference between choosing certain times to correct or discipline and putting her down or highlighting the things she’s doing wrong.  One researcher talks about the concept of a “Love Bank,” saying there needs to be five deposits to every one withdrawal to make a relationship strong.  If you have something that needs to be addressed, be sure and pack a lot of positive, life-breathing, encouraging statements around your corrections and it will have a much higher success rate of responsiveness.  Remember the 5:1 ratio…daily.

4.  Tease her about her weight or any part of her body

I understand that guys tend towards teasing each other about body parts and it’s no big deal.  Not with us girls.  We remember things that are said, even in jest, forever.  Everything. Make sure to never, ever, under any circumstances tease her about her weight, her size (breast size, pant size, etc), or any imperfections on her body.  Those words will stay with her long after they’re said.  And even if she seems to laugh it off, those reminders of her flaws are hurtful and will most likely lead to less self-confidence, a negative body image, and possibly lead to an eating disorder. 

5.  Put her mother down

Whether you’re still married or divorced, when you demean, criticize, or speak negatively about your daughter’s mom, you are essentially criticizing her. She will hear it as you saying that you think she will turn out the same way.  Because every daughter sees herself as some sort of reflection of the woman who brought her into the world, she uses mom as a reference point for understanding herself.  Look for the positives in mom and point them out to your daughter.

6.  Think your actions behind closed doors don’t matter or are inconsequential

We’ve all heard the adage, “do as I say, not as I do.”  But really, who is kidding who here? As a dad, just remember that the choices you make when no one is looking are the things that define you and measure your integrity. Let your actions on and off the court be filled with self-respect if you want your daughter to live out her morals, beliefs, and values as well.  Let me say it another way:  Be the man you want her to marry.  It starts with you, dad.

7.  Forget her birthday

Each of us has an innate desire to be known and even celebrated.  But simultaneously we as girls don’t always feel we’re worth the party.  This is where you as her dad come in.  Your investment of time, energy, and money tells her that she’s worthy, valued, and loved.  Make sure to join in the celebration on her birthday because it shouts, “I’m glad you were born!”

8.  Compare her to her siblings

Although it might slip out of your mouth, try and avoid ever saying, “Why can’t you be more like…”  You see, we girls compare ourselves to everyone else without prompting.  So if you add to that reality, it only adds more fuel to an already existing fire.  Make sure to let her know that she’s one of a kind even though much of the time she may feel like she’s one in a million.  Let her know she’s unique and beautiful just because she’s herself.  

9.  Speak in anger

If I had a quarter for all the times I’ve heard daughters, most often with tears running down their cheeks, tell me about the wounding that has been experienced as a result of dads anger, I’d be rich.  Words spoken in anger do the most damage to a daughter’s heart over anything else I hear from girls about their relationship with their dads. If you want to have your daughter’s heart stay open to you, make a contract with yourself to never speak in anger to her again because it destroys her spirit and her soul.  Take a time out to cool off and come back when you’re calm.  You’ll never regret waiting to speak.

10.  Give monetary gifts rather than yourself

In a world where life seems to be increasingly speeding up faster, it can be easy to give things more than yourself to your daughter.  Remember that she wants and needs you, your heart, your attention, and your time more than any monetary thing.  You, dad, are the gift.  And when you give her you, it communicates to her that she is worthy of your attention and focus.  Any notes you write her will become treasures.  Don’t be surprised if she saves them forever.  Why?  Because your view of her matters more than all the rest…honest!

Let me end by saying that this backwards template is designed to put a creative twist on this concept of being a focused, dialed-in, intentional and consistent dad.  I’d love to hear back from you as you put these concepts into practice.  Write me and tell me your stories at drmichellewatson@gmail.com or www.facebook.com/drmichellewatson or @mwatsonphd on Twitter.

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Mask Off Monday

I just had what I would call a life-changing conversation with a friend I haven’t seen in years.  She and I go back to 4th grade, and we reconnected at a wedding reception recently.  Though we’ve been Facebook friends for years, we haven’t had face time in longer than I can remember.

Our conversation was so significant that it spurred me into a super sized paradigm shift.  Here’s the backstory to how “Mask Off Monday” was birthed just a month ago.

My friend and I were only minutes into the usual how’ve-you-been-and-what’s-new-with-you dialogue when she sadly whispered that she was in the middle of a divorce.  She then held up three fingers.  I’d forgotten that she now had three painful stories of marriages gone awry. 

It was then that the conversation took an abrupt right turn when she uttered these four now infamous words:  “I want your life.”

She went on to tell me that it seems like we all envy everyone else’s “Facebook life.”  Touché.  I’ve had the same thought more times than I can count.  Dratted green monster.

After telling her how sorry I was for her current heartache, I continued:

“I honestly do love my life, but the reality is that for the bulk of this weekend I have been a crabby pants. I’ve been a bit maxed this week, which resulted in being overly sensitive to things that normally wouldn't throw me. I’ve been irritable, short, and down in the dumps the last three days, in between the happy pictures you’ve seen on Facebook.”

You see, I’d gotten my hair cut two days earlier and didn’t like how it turned out.  It was shorter than I had wanted and I couldn’t seem to get out of my funk over it.  I kept telling myself it was only hair but that didn’t seem to turn things around. 

After telling my friend the real backstory to my weekend, the one that I couldn’t really capture on film (since it’s hard to take a picture of crabby), I came home and decided to invite everyone I knew to join me in what I named “Mask Off Monday.”  

Here’s what I posted on my wall:

Okay. After hearing from so many of you tonight, I got an idea. What if we started MASK OFF MONDAY where we all had one day a week where we choose to be vulnerable and honest and messy and needy with our blemishes and imperfections and insecurities exposed, not because someone exploits us but because we choose to let the guard down and take the mask off. What if we all started banding together and took one day a week to present our less than perfect lives to each other. Who's in?  #maskoffmonday

The line that has been repeatedly ringing in my ears since this writing is: “our less than perfect lives.”

I speak for myself when I say that I post pictures that are happy and positive and influential and stylish.  I delete the ones that reveal the flaws, the bumps, and the bulges.  I’m embarrassed to admit it but I do.  Truth be told, I love that I live in a world with hair color and concealer, trash icons and delete buttons.

Back to the original story.  The very next day after my challenge went out, the pictures and stories began rolling in.  Kendra started it off with her delightfully atrocious kitchen counter that was full of dirty dishes and an overly full un-emptied dishwasher as a sidekick.  Alex then posted a picture of her laundry pile that looked like it could win a contest for it’s height and depth! Before long Debi posted a picture she had planned to delete but then accepted the challenge and posted it, makeup off, less than perfect. A couple of guys even wrote in to affirm the challenge.

Then there’s beautiful Brooke. Here’s what she posted, along with her awesome, untouched selfie:

So I love what @michellejwatson has been doing called "mask off Mondays". This is a challenge to post every Monday something very imperfect about our lives since we usually try and do the opposite (or at least we don't choose to post things on social media that we aren't super stoked about am I right?) so today I had a last minute errand I realized I needed to run and had to leave immediately. I didn't have time to put on makeup and packed it up to take with me and ended up running out of time before class to put it on...I was upset about it until I just made a decision to purposefully go without it today. This makes me super self conscious, I don't wear a ton to begin with but when I don't have eye makeup on people always ask me if I'm ok or if I'm sick lol. So today is my literal mask off Monday. I'm gonna hold my head high all day today though! Take it or leave it, this is me.   

All this to say:  Are you in?  Want to join me, Kendra, Alex, Debi, and Brooke in posting pictures of your authentic, imperfect, vulnerable self?  

Whether on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook, use #maskoffmonday and join the movement!

I do have pictures I could post of the ugly lypoma that’s growing under my left arm or my recent wardrobe malfunction at a friends dance party.  But in order to use modesty while also leading with vulnerability, I’ll submit today’s early morning selfie series (complete with green balls that look like they’re coming out of my head!)

Let’s band together and make it fun to take off our masks. If we all do it together, unedited can become the new beautiful.  

much love, Michelle

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Giveaway Time!

Hello dear readers!

It's time for me to start giving away some of these books of mine that were just released (click here if you want to get up to speed and check out my book on Amazon), but I want to make this a little more fun.  Whether you're reading this as a father, a daughter, a mother, a brother, a grandpa or aunt, a grandma or uncle, you can take part in this and have a little fun with me.

I'd like to propose a trade.  I will be giving away 2 books (one to each winner) to 2 people who tell me a memory they have with their dad.  There aren't really many rules, but here are the few:

1. It must be a real memory or example of something you love about your dad or a father-figure in your life. 

2. You must post what you love about your dad to Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, with the hashtag #daddaughterbook.  If you're not hashtag or social media savvy, click the letter icon on the top right of the screen to email me directly.  

That's it - those are the only rules!  The contest runs until Friday 9/26 and you'll be notified directly if you win.  Just imagine...if you win this book, you could read it and pass it on to any dads or father-figures in your life now - what a gift that could be to them!

Good luck, have fun, and let the stories roll!

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How to Connect with Your Daughter

A friend of mine just sent me a video of a dad and his four-year old daughter creating their own musical montage to Taylor Swift's hit song, ‘Shake it Off.’  The title of it reads:  “She Left Her Husband and Daughter Home Alone.  What They Did?  Prepare to Smile.”  

The blurb says that while some dads park their kids in front of the television so they can relax, this dad did the opposite.  He brought out props and costumes and created something magical with his little girl that she most likely will never forget.  It didn’t cost money but it cost him time and energy.  The write-up ends by saying that this dad did all of this “with so much palpable joy that it's impossible not to smile. This little girl's lucky to have such a fun, loving dad.”

I have no doubt it will go viral.  Why?  Because every woman who sees it will share it with all of her friends and every smile will come from projecting herself onto the screen.  Let me say it another way:  Every daughter wants a relationship with her dad like this little girl has with her daddy: connected, fun, interactive, engaging, sweet, and loving.

And lest we think that dads aren’t equally impacted by this video, I happened to mention it yesterday to former Abba Project dad Mike and he had actually watched it earlier in the day.  I asked why he watched it.  “I wanted to see the connection because I’m so conscious now of connecting to a daughter’s heart.” 

There it is.  Connection. Daughter.  Heart. 

Mike went on to say, “Why am I not more proactive than reactive?  I want more do-overs with my kids.  I want to be present.”

There’s something powerful about a dad being present in the moment that is the best way to connect with his daughter.  

So just in case you want an action plan to make deeper connection happen, I’ll share five keys to being a connected dad:

1. ALLY WITH YOUR DAUGHTER’S HEART
There is so much in life that is against; be the man who is for. Being her heart ally means truly listening to her needs and wants, then choosing to engage with her around the things she enjoys.  It’s not even about meeting her half way.  It’s about going the extra mile towards her even if she doesn’t come your way, seeking to understand life through her eyes.  And the best measure of success will come when you see her respond as you intentionally and consistently pursue her, all the while softening your responses with validating more than lecturing.

2. ANGER DROPPED

If you were to walk up and ask, “Michelle, if you could give me one piece of advice about how to be the best dad I can be to my daughter, what would it be?”  Without hesitation I would say:  Stop venting your anger at her.

Your anger destroys her spirit.
Your anger shuts her down.             

Your anger makes her give up. 

Your anger makes her believe that she is unloveable, unworthy and not worth loving.

Your anger crushes the core of who she is.  Enough said.

3. ASK QUESTIONS

As we all know, there are questions that get to the heart of a person and there are questions used to interrogate and intimidate.  To accomplish the former, it invites the question: How do you ask good questions to pace with your daughter while she talks?  

Here’s an easy solution to this dilemma.  All you have to do is provide a follow-up question using the exact word or words that she just used in her last sentence. 

Start with a general question:  “How was your day at school?

She answers, “fine.” (by the way, on Venus we call this is a non-answer answer!)

Then ask, “What about it was fine?”

She answers, “Well, this really hot guy smiled at me in math.”                    
Follow with, “What about him is hot?” 

This will require a ton of active listening.  But that’s a vital part of connecting so I know you’re all about making that happen.

4. ANSWER WITH: “I’M WONDERING”

This tool has been described by dads in The Abba Project as “the #1 greatest help in opening up communication with our daughters.”  All you have to do is add these two little words to the beginning of any question you ask her.

Andy used to ask his 17-year old daughter, “Why aren’t you going to school today?”  Every time it ended the same:  her wall went up and she barked her response. Figuring he had nothing to lose he tried it and instead asked, ‘I’m wondering…why aren’t you going to school today?”  And miraculously she started talking. Andy came back to the group and enthusiastically announced, “I couldn’t believe it worked!”

5. AFFIRM, Affirm, Affirm
I heard an Abba Project dad recently say, “I never thought what I said mattered that much.”  Oh contraire. I’m here to tell you that YOU are a KEY to your daughter’s well-being and confidence.  One affirmation from you could offset an entire horrible, no good, very bad day.

In fact, the overriding themes in research strongly support that children who feel connected to their fathers do better in school, achieve higher grades, experience less depression, display greater self-esteem, report lower rates of suicide, and on it goes.  Basically, I’m here to implore you to be the life-breathing voice in her head. Your voice will ring in her mind long after you speak.  You can never affirm and encourage enough.

To be a connected dad, it’s going to take work. But like any worthwhile project, the harder the work, the greater the value. And the harder the work, the greater the reward.

Just remember:  the most important part in all of this is turning your heart (not just your head) toward your daughter…

It’s not about being perfect.  It’s about being present.

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Like Father, Like Daughter: 6 Words That Can Change Everything

My, oh my!  It is book launch week and while that's incredibly exciting, it also leaves my head spinning and my heart filled with gratitude for those closest to me.  One of these friends I'm so thankful for is Joe Wickman, and he allowed me the privilege of guest blogging over at his blog, "Don't Tank Life".  If you want to check out the whole thing, head on over there, and here's a little snippet to whet your appetite.  And don't forget to put your order in on amazon.com for my new book that was released on Monday, Sept 1!

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This special post is by Michelle Watson, PhD, LPC, author of “Dad, Here’s What I Really Need From You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart”.

I had the good fortune of receiving an advance copy of this outstanding book. Please share it with every Dad of daughters. I know it will bless them.

You can get your copy here: Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart

Are you old enough to remember the craze in the 60’s and 70’s where really cool prizes (a.k.a. “cheap gimmicks”) were tucked inside cereal boxes? I can still see my sister and I begging my mom to buy the kind with the most alluring prizes, regardless of whether we even liked the cereal (whichI’m sure set a foundation that continues to be in place today because I’m still a sucker for a deal!).

One of my favorite prizes was a decoder ring that instantaneously transformed me into Sherlock Holmes as I had the cryptic tool to solve the mystery on the back of the box. The thing that sticks in my mind about decoder rings is that they instantly provide the link between the problem and the solution. Without the magic ring the problem is left unsolved and unanswered.

If you’re a dad to a daughter, the question I pose to you is this:

Do you ever wish you had a decoder ring to better translate, understand, and relate to her?

Especially if she’s hit that age (a.k.a. puberty) you most likely have wondered what tool you need in your toolbox to actually decode her. Maybe she used to be easy to relate to while now you’re feeling left high and dry in the resource department. Maybe she used to love you singing songs to her when tucking her in bed but now she’s too cool for all that.

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5 "Easy" Steps to Decoding Your Daughter

I recently got to write a guest post for my friends at myfatherdaughter.com.  Since it's right along the same topic as my book, which was released TODAY and can be ordered here, I thought I'd share a snippet of this guest post with you!  Follow the link below if you'd like to read the whole thing!

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5 "Easy" Steps to Decoding Your Daughter

(Now and then we have a guest post by a friend to this blog. Over this last year, we came to know Dr. Michelle Watson. She is doing phenominal work with Dad’s and is excited to share some thoughts with us. Also, see the note below announcing her first book which is being released TODAY! A great READ and should be picked up by eveyone who has a daughter)

Before I dive into clarifying this blog title I figured a little backstory might be helpful. I am now in my fifth decade of life (which is crazy because I don’t feel that old!), the oldest of four girls, and have spent my entire adult life ministering to girls and women in various contexts.  All this basically means is that after more clock hours than I can count I have a pretty good idea of what we girls want from the men in our lives, particularly our dads.

I often hear fathers tell me that their daughters are complicated and complex, especially when they hit adolescence.  I do get that but want to say something that might shock you:  we’re really not all that “un-figure-out-able.”  (Insert laughter).  I’m hoping to give you a few pointers that literally come from one story in Scripture that will assist you in decoding your precious girl, particularly in those times when things are emotionally intense.

I’m sure you’ve heard of two sisters, Martha and Mary, who were dear friends of Jesus. This means he knew them and they knew him.  Up close and personal.  For better or worse.

Let’s pick up the story at the point where Martha is overly reactive, super stressed, overwhelmed, and basically freaking out.  (Luke 10:38-42).  Does any of that ever describe your daughter, especially if she is traveling through “juvenile puberty,” a season that Dr. James Dobson describes as lasting at least five years where high levels of estrogen lead to significantly unstable and reactive moods, thinking patterns, and behaviors?

If you can relate, watch what Jesus (with his male energy) does to enter the fray with his frazzled female friend. 1.  He lets her vent to Him while He listens to all of it. Even when she dramatically tells Jesus that he “doesn’t care” (false assumptions always take place during “Category 5” meltdowns), in a self-absorbed way she continues by crying about having to do everything “by myself.” And if that wasn’t enough, she then barks at Jesus and demands that he tell her sister to help her.  Excuse me!  Doesn’t she know that you don’t talk to the King of the Universe like that?!  Now bringing it closer to home:  Does any of this sound familiar, especially during those times when your daughter talks to you with that tone or attitude?

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To read the rest of the guest post, click here!  And don't forget to head to amazon.com and check out my new book!  I can't even tell you how excited I am to be releasing this to the world today!  Many blessings, friends!

http://www.amazon.com/Dad-Heres-What-Really-Need...

The "Gift" of Singleness

I was recently honored to write a guest post for my friend, Elisa Morgan's E-Newsletter.  Here it is for you to read in it's entirety, and if you want to see more articles like this, check out Elisa's blog here!  Until then, I invite you to read about what I'm calling, "The Gift of Singleness."

Recently I went to one of the most amazing weddings I've ever attended. Haley and Caleb are two who have done it right and the feeling of joy on their day was literally palpable.

Before the wedding started I was catching up with my friend Dan, a guy I haven't seen much since serving together on a youth staff in our early 20's. If you were a fly on our shoulders, here's what you would have heard:

Have you registered yet for September's webinar on "Answering God's Call" with Jacky Gatliff

Me: I LOVE my life! As a single woman I have so much freedom in this season as God keeps opening so many incredible doors!

Dan: Well, it sounds like God has given you the gift of singleness.

Me: I'm not so sure that's it.

Dan: Yes, it definitely sounds like God has given you the gift.

With that, the wedding started. And without even realizing that Dan's comments had been rolling around in my head during the ceremony, as soon as the couple exited the church I realized that something wasn't sitting right. I turned to my friend and continued.

Me: I don't actually know what the gift of singleness is but I know that I don't have it. I'm open to marriage if God brings a guy along. But I can tell you what this is about: I don't fight the Father anymore.

Dan: Maybe you don't have it then.

A couple of weeks later I was at a conference and told my friend Paul this story, prompting him to say something from the platform: "If you're single today then for today God has given you the gift of singleness." Without hesitating, this prompted one woman to shout out, "But what if you don't want the gift?"

I can relate. I'm 54 and have never been married. I used to think something was wrong with me because a guy hadn't chosen me or deemed me worthy of taking his name. But I'm so over that now.

I finally decided to get on with living my life whether I had a husband or not. I finally decided not to fight my Abba Father anymore. I finally decided to accept where he has me rather than constantly demanding he do life on my terms.

I guess you could say that for me the gift of singleness is exactly that: a gift. I'm constantly in relationship with a Father who allows me to participate in what he's doing, and for me that has nothing to do with my martial status. And that is the best gift ever!

Get your copy ofMichelle's book today in the FullFill store!

Michelle Watson is a passionate God-follower whose mess has been turned into her message. As founder of The Abba Project she helps dads decode their daughters. Her recently released book is Dad, Here's What I Really Need From You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter's Heart (Harvest House, 2014). Connect at drmichellewatson.com.

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Dad/Daughter Grocery Store Selfies

It all started about four years ago when my dad and I began grocery shopping on Monday nights.  It seemed to work out that our schedules synced and somehow it soon became a weekly tradition. 

Slow but sure, we began to notice that the often dreaded job of walking through food aisles with lists in hand became much more fun when we joined forces. I guess you could say that we found a new way to bond as dad and daughter while journeying the long corridors of jars and cans, boxes and bags.

One of the most unique aspects through all of this has been that whenever we miss a Monday night many of the clerks ask why we weren’t there, which is an interesting kind of community to be building without having been aware that we were building one! 

Then, (as if that wasn’t enough) somewhere along the way we began taking goofy pictures with things we’d find around the store. First there were silly hats we forced each other to wear at Christmastime... 

...followed by seasonal items here or there…

Now I’ll let you in on the real scoop: I’m usually the one who talks my dad into doing these inane poses.  Often he’s past the point of embarrassment, trying to get the pictures done fast and in the least conspicuous way as possible. But he really is a great sport, entering in fully, and in the end we’re always laughing. Life is too short not to laugh more, don’t you think?!

What I can tell you as a daughter is that it’s less about my dad spending money on me and more about him spending time with me.  He is bringing himself to the party! 

The bottom line is that my dad joins in because he loves me.  He puts up with my silliness because he enjoys having fun with me.  Do you know what a bright spot this is for me?  

Your daughters need this kind of fun, silly, bonding time with you too.

...until finally it became a weekly challenge to find random items to stick on our heads for a crazy photo op. (I’m not quite sure how headwear became “the thing,” but it did!)

Whether we’re donning hats or pails, fruit or ribbon, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that we’re creating a forever memory.  And what I love is that none of this costs anything, except a little time and creativity.  In fact, this has now become a tradition that I look forward to and treasure deep in my heart. 

You can probably see where I’m going with this. I finally asked myself: What if this dad-daughter selfie thing became a contagious nationwide phenomenon where dads (or any “version” of a dad, be it a mentor dad, foster dad, step dad, etc) and daughters across America started taking pictures in grocery stores with whatever items they could find and then shared them?  

So I’m inviting you to join me and my dad in this crazy, silly, fun, funny venture!  And I’m especially inviting dads with adult daughters to enter in. We grown-up girls need our dads too! 

If you post on Facebook, “like” my author page at Dr. Michelle Watson and post your picture there.  If Instagram is more your thing, tag me at @michellejwatson and share your picture.  And if you prefer Twitter, tag me at @mwatsonphd and use the hash tag #daddaughterselfie.  

Dads, I’d love to see your creativity expressed in leading your daughters do this.  

But most importantly, we as daughters just want you to know Dads that we love having fun with you, especially when we feel that you enjoy being with us.  I know we seem complicated, but a little love and attention go a long way to capturing our hearts.  

Let the photos begin!

"Dear Zelda" - My Letter to Robin Williams' Daughter

Dear Zelda,

I know you don’t know me.  And the truth is that I haven’t known of you either.  Until this week that is, when news of your dad’s passing was announced and some of your heartfelt comments were printed. I especially loved reading your post about pigeons pooping on the washed cars of those who were sending negativity.  Your dad couldn’t have said it better!   

I have found myself deeply impacted by your dad’s loss these past few days, which only made my heart bleed for you because I know that a daughter’s greatest sense of her identity comes from her father. 

I am actually an advocate for dad-daughter relationships and I give dads tools to intentionally pursue their daughter’s hearts.  It is readily apparent that you had a deep heart connection with your dad.  If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to highlight a few of the beautiful things I’m hearing in your story.

What you can cling to, even in the midst of your grief, is that you have a forever deposit in the depths of your heart and soul because of your dad’s investment in you.  Death can’t ever take that away.  You can always rest in knowing that you were cherished deeply by the first man who ever held your heart. 

I loved reading that your dad’s last Instagram post was to you on your 25th birthday.  He wanted the world to know how much he loved you and how proud he was of you.  Clearly you have been given a gift that every daughter needs in order to thrive:  to be celebrated by her dad just for being alive.

I heard that earlier this year your dad was quoted as saying, "My children give me a great sense of wonder. Just to see them develop into these extraordinary human beings."

Your dad gave you another one of the greatest gifts a dad can ever give:  He enjoyed you and knew you were and are extraordinary.  I know that many have described your dad the same way.  Sounds to me, sweet Zelda, like the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree.  

I enjoy exploring the origins of names.  Zelda means “female warrior.”  What a beautiful and powerful name you have.  I read that your dad named you after a princess.  Once again this is a forever reality that you carry regarding who you are, especially in your dad’s eyes.  You can always know that your dad viewed you as a strong beauty.  You were his princess from day one, meaning that it was never about anything you did or didn’t do but was about who you were to him.  So sweet.

I heard that your dad read the entire series of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe to you and your brothers.  I grew up reading those books too.  None better.  My favorite thing to hear was that you once asked your dad not to read the book with any silly voices but just his own.  When he did you told him that it was better that way.  You had a dad who listened to you and respected your voice.  That’s awesome!

Again, that is a gift that has forever been deposited into your life.  You’ll never settle for anything less in a man because your dad set the bar high in teaching you how a daughter should be treated by a man.  

Your dad left a delightful legacy in you.  And in the middle of your pain and loss I wanted to celebrate the incredible treasure that you are.  You will always be your dad’s little girl and you are his lasting legacy.

May your heart heal in ways that now can’t be fully comprehended.  And like you, I’ll try to keep looking up.

From one adult daughter to another....love, Michelle

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My Guest Post at 4WordWomen.org

I had the privilege of guest blogging at this beautiful site last week.  Here's a little excerpt, but click here to read the whole interview!

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Fathers and daughters. This is a unique relationship with powerful implications. Dr. Michelle Watson of The Abba Project is helping us understand exactly what this means. Michelle created The Abba Project with a desire to strengthen and improve father-daughter relationships across the country.

4word: Why is the father-daughter relationship so important?

Michelle: Where do I begin?! There are so many aspects to the father-daughter relationship that are key to a daughter’s identity that I could talk your ear off for the next hour. But I’ll rein it in and give you some basic highlights!

First, there is mounting evidence to support the fact that a girl’s sense of herself largely ties to the quality of her relationship with her dad. A father’s role in his daughter’s life impacts everything from her academic success to career decisions, from selections in romantic relationships to her sexual choices, from her self-esteem to body acceptance, to name just a few. Our individual core beliefs and core identity as women is directly shaped and fostered by our connection (or lack of) to our dad.

Now, let’s add in the spiritual realm to say that the way we interface with our dad sets the foundation for how we come to understand God as a Father. If that human relationship has been secure, consistent, fair, loving, and safe, we will most often project those qualities onto Father God. And when the opposite is true, it makes sense that God would be the last person a wounded woman would want to trust. Horizontal injury with our dad easily lead to vertical confusion, angst, and mistrust with our heavenly Dad.

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... Go to http://www.4wordwomen.org/blog/2014/08/even-grown-up-girls-need-their-dad/ to read the full interview.

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