The Power of a Dad's Written Words

This past summer I had the privilege of attending a big music festival in Salem, Oregon called Fish Fest. What made it extra special is that it was my first public appearance with KPDQ, the station that is now hosting my new radio program, The Dad Whisperer. 

It was a day I’ll never forget, due in part to the 104-degree weather, yet also because it was so meaningful to be a part of connecting with people while having the privilege of hearing their stories. I also gave away a copy of my book every hour, which was a fun way to put my book into the hands of our listeners.

Early in the day, I had the privilege of talking with a dad who told me some of his story, one that included his 17-year old daughter living in the Midwest with her mom. He said that he texts her a few times a week and that’s how they stay connected. I affirmed him for investing in his daughter in that way but then decided to say a bit more (I know…BIG SURPRISE!)

I encouraged him to write letters to his daughter periodically, adding that when a dad writes something in his own handwriting, it stands out from all the technology. I acknowledge here that I may have misread his body language, but I got the sense that I’d said enough. So we smiled and said goodbye.

An hour or two later, after another hourly book drawing, a beautiful woman in her late 50’s, with poise and grace in abundance, came to the booth to get her book. We got to talking and she shared that she had just lost her husband of 38 years this past November (about nine months earlier). She said that she had come to this event alone and was learning to branch out and try new things in this season of her life. She also said that she had two sons but was looking forward to reading the book, and then promised to give it to a dad of a daughter who could use it.

It was then that I took a risk in the hope of opening up a “deeper conversation.” I decided to ask about her relationship with her dad. She readily began talking and shared that her father was a quiet man. She said they didn’t have much of a relationship because he worked a lot. But then her tone changed and she broke into a beaming smile while telling me a specific story.

“When I was in eighth grade, my dad was out of town for business. And he wrote me two letters during the time he was gone. I don’t quite know why he did it, but I’m glad he did.”

By the tone of her voice and her radiant smile, I knew which question to ask next.

“Did you save the letters?” I asked.

“Yes, I sure did,” she said with a happy lilt to her voice, “and I still have them.”

I immediately told her that I knew just the man who needed to hear her story. I told her that there was a dad who needed to know how important a dad’s written words are to his daughter and she gave me permission to share her story. But in a crowd so large, I wasn’t sure if I’d see him again.

Yet wouldn’t you know it, the next person to win a book in the following hour was that man’s girlfriend! So there he was, back at the booth. And I’m guessing you know how the story continued.

I’m not sure that he was as inspired as I was. But suffice it to say, this is a story that bears repeating while serving as a lesson to dads of daughters:

Dad, put your words of love, affirmation, acceptance, belief, encouragement, applause, and kindness in writing to your daughter and she will most likely treasure it for a lifetime.

Action Step: Here we are with a little over a month until Christmas. What if you wrote a letter to your daughter and put it in a box as a gift for her this year? I guarantee she will treasure it!

Or maybe you want to follow in the footsteps of former Abba Project Dad, Wayne, and after writing your letter, you can hire someone to write it in calligraphy and have it framed.

No matter the format you choose, your daughter will soak in your words that you put in writing. In fact, I’ll go as far as to say that it just could be her favorite Christmas present this year! Why not give it a try and see.

P.S. Though I've shared this with my readers before, I want to make sure all of you dads have a copy. "Writing a Letter to Your Daughter" (attached as a PDF) will give you lots of ideas should you decide to put pen to paper and give your daughter something to cherish that’s written in your handwriting!

"WRITING A LETTER TO YOUR DAUGHTER.PDF"

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"How to Write a Letter to Your Daughter that She’ll Never Forget"

One of the greatest gifts you can give your daughter is to affirm her through writing. In a world where written communication is most often casual (texts, emails, tweets), a letter in your own handwriting stands out.

I’ll never forget when Abba Project dad Dennis surprisingly noticed that his thirteen-year-old daughter Olivia not only kept the letter he wrote her but placed it on top of her desk for her friends to see. He had completely expected her to be embarrassed by his card and hide it, especially from her peers. So, as you can imagine, his heart melted when he saw the positive impact his written words had made.

The beauty of putting your thoughts, dreams, love, truth, and feelings for your daughter into written form is so that she can read and reread it. She will treasure the things you write to her both now and for years to come.

How do I know this?  Because I and many other girls save our dad’s notes.

I’ll tell you a heart story to bring this to light. My dad started a tradition a number of years ago where he creates a one-of-a-kind birthday card for all of us girls by using a template on his computer (you can do the same thing by going online and doing some exploring). Without a doubt, my all-time favorite card is the one he made for my 50th birthday. He made a list of 50 things he and my mom love about me and number 33 is the one that melted my heart:   

“She loves the frogs at her house.”

         My 50th birthday card from my dad.

I laughed uproariously when reading that because I had no idea he’d remembered such a seemingly insignificant thing that I’d said. But it showed me that he had listened when I said I absolutely love the sound that the choir of frogs make twice a year at the end of my street. It’s music to my ears. And he counted it among the things he loves about me.

I share all of this to say that whether or not you’re artistic or creative, just the fact that you notice and bring to light the unique things about your daughter, things you find adorable, enjoyable, and memorable, you are providing a pathway to her heart that will be a treasure to her forever.

If you’re a dad who has already begun this practice, then great.

Yet whether or not you’ve written letters before, here are a few dad-to-daughter letter-writing ideas to add to your repertoire:

• What was one of the first things you remember about her when she was born and you looked at her for the first time?

• What beauty did you see in her then and what beautiful features do you see in her now?  (Girls love hearing about their eyes, smile, and the unique features that you see as beautiful)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• What strengths do you believe she has, both in terms of skill and in her person (her character, personality)

• Tell her specific reasons you’re proud of her

• Write about what obstacles you have seen her overcome—emphasize such qualities as courage, resilience, strength, commitment, endurance, power

• Write about dreams you have for her future, whether in the form of your wishes for her or things you pray about for her—do this without preaching or lecturing, only encourage

• Tell her what it means to you to spend time with her 

• Communicate why you love being her dad in this season of her life (add current things about her age right now that you’re aware of and highlight them as positive)

• Let her know that you will always be there for her, telling her what it means to you to be her dad

If writing is not your thing, still do it (I know…I’m being a tough teacher right now). I promise that your daughter will thrive in direct proportion to the words you speak (verbal and written) into her life. 

And the more you hone your writing skills, the easier it will become. 

On your mark, get set, write.

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A Penguin’s View on Fathering

I’m not a girl who tends toward watching documentaries. But sometimes I wish I did since I know they make you smarter.

The reality is that my attention span isn’t long enough to hang in there through the entirety of these kinds of films. I think I border on the cusp of ADHD, which translates to my need to be a bit more active when diving into the deep end of learning.

That said, a couple of years ago I found myself completely caught off guard (and pleasantly surprised) when into my DVD player I popped the movie March of the Penguins after some friends highly recommended it. I had no idea it was an actual documentary or I may have resisted. But once the story began to unfold, I was mesmerized.

In case you haven’t watched it (or haven’t seen it in awhile since it was released in 2005), here’s a brief overview to set the scene:

• Emperor penguins annually march from the South Pole to their breeding grounds at the sea and then turn around to return home.

• he female lays a single egg, which is then incubated by the male (a.k.a. the female transfers care to the male).

• The male endures the violent Antarctic cold for over two months to protect his egg from extreme temperatures by standing while balancing it on his feet where it is insulated by a thick roll of his waterproof feathered skin called a ‘brood pouch.’

• The males huddle in groups to withstand the harsh winds and blizzards, taking turns moving towards the warm center of the pack, thereby sustaining the entire group.

• During this entire time the males eat nothing, resulting in the loss of up to a third of their body weight while waiting for their chicks to hatch.

• After laying the egg, the female makes her way to the distant sea to feed herself and then bring food back to her newborn chick.

• Once the female has returned, the male then makes the long trek over the ice, even up to 60 miles, to find food.

But before I go any farther, I have to share a couple of exact quotes from the movie that powerfully underscore the incredible role of the father and his relationship to his chick: (I know…can you believe how much of a documentary geek I am now?!)

“The penguin fathers will have gone without food of any kind for over 125 days and they will have endured one of the most violent and deadly winters on earth...all for the chick.

Then after the baby is born and before the father treks 70 miles back to the seas the father and his chick sing to one another, making sure each knows the other's voice. It is the only way the two will find each other when the father returns.

It isn’t long before the fathers return home, their bellies heavy with food. The chicks will gather at once to meet them and sound their calls. The returning fathers will circle the excited newborns and listen until he hears his chicks’ call…The return is a joyful one and very quickly the young’s belly will be full again."

My heart was deeply moved as I watched the very active role that every single one of the male penguins took in the nurturing and caring for their offspring, often at great cost to themselves.

I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this, so to state the obvious: Male penguins have it down when it comes to fathering!

I can’t help but think that if every human dad took note from these amazing creatures and emulated their behaviors, it would positively change our culture like never before.

Thus, without further adieu, here are the obvious take-aways, the clear directives, the vital life-giving action steps modeled directly by the male Emperor penguin to every father on earth if he wants to have a vibrant relationship with his daughter [or son]:

1. Step into your fathering role by sharing responsibility for your daughter’s care, ready to nurture and invest on a daily basis.

2. Be willing to endure the harsh elements (a.k.a. emotional storms that rage both inside her being----moods, reactions, responses----and outside herself---friendships, choices, activities, education, etc.) for longer than you’d prefer as you protectively hold her and allow her to “stand on your feet” while she becomes strong and secure enough to stand on her own.

3. Find other dads who are pursuing their daughter’s hearts and take turns in supporting each other (while standing close enough to hold each other up) in your goal to be an awesome, dialed-in dad.

4. Find the balance point between sacrificing your wants and needs with that of giving to your daughter’s needs in order to keep her alive.

5. Get close enough to recognize and know her unique voice (a.k.a. this means taking the time to listen to her talk), especially after busy seasons when you’ve been less available at home and in her life.

6. Let her recognize and know your voice too (this means time together sharing stories and creating positive memories).

7. Express joy when seeing her---which is an expression on your face that clearly communicates that you are happy to see her (which will go far in depositing love into the depths of her heart).

8. Lead her while feeding her spirit and soul with the overflow of your life as you seek to be well-rounded and healthy yourself.

This kind of action-oriented, sacrificial, attentive, and intentional gift from you as a dad to your daughter is something that money can’t buy and something that will subsequently equip her to fly from the nest and change the world because of your investment.

In closing, I’ll never forget the time in the early days of The Abba Project when I asked a group of busy dads why they were taking the time month after month to gather together and learn about fathering. After an uncomfortable 60-second pause (which felt like 60 minutes), one of them finally spoke up and said, “It’s because we love our daughters.” They all readily agreed.

There really isn’t anything a dad wouldn’t do out of love for his daughter, is there? Especially when it’s “all for the chick.”

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