5 Ways to Prepare Yourself for Reconciliation with Your Estranged Daughter

With the holidays officially upon us, I know there are many of you dads who are struggling to claim this as “the happiest time of the year.” The reason? Distance from your daughter (and/or son).

The reality is that I receive more emails from dads around the country asking about what to do to connect with their estranged daughters than I do anything else…by a long shot. And I want to see that sad reality change through empowering dads to do whatever it takes to make amends and pursue healing at any cost to themselves.

Now I realize that there’s always more to a story than merely what I hear, but my encouragement to these men—and to you ---continues to include validation, coupled with suggestions for action.

But first, a story to encourage you.

---

My friend and former NFL quarterback, Ed Tandy McGlasson, founded an incredible organization called Blessing of the Father Ministries. Ed is one of the most passionate people I know when it comes to understanding the power of a father’s blessing, which leads  him to enthusiastically speak words of life into men and women everywhere by affirming how much they are loved by God as their Father.

One of the most powerful stories he tells is of a dad who hadn’t seen his daughter in over twenty years, since she was thirteen years old, and every time he reached out to her, there was no response. Desperate for direction, he met with Ed, who suggested that he waste no time in writing these exact words to his estranged daughter:

Help me understand how much I hurt you when I divorced your mom.

That’s all it took for his daughter to quickly respond. He didn’t defend or explain. He listened. And their relationship was restored.

---

Perhaps these are the words you need to say to your daughter in this season: “Help me understand how much I hurt you when I . . .”

On the other hand, Dad, sometimes your first move will require what could look like apparent inaction. Stated otherwise, by not moving, you’re moving. Let me explain. If your daughter isn’t ready to talk to you right now, you must honor her boundaries and wait until she gives you the green light.

Outwardly, this may look like you’re doing nothing, but in reality this allows you to prepare yourself for when she’s ready to communicate with you.

That said, I want to share some ideas that you can put into practice to prepare YOURSELF for the day your daughter will hopefully be ready to re-engage with you.

And if your daughter is open to having a conversation with you--whether in person or via email/text or over the phone--feel free to use the information below to guide you. (For more specifics, you can refer to my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters).

Here are some keys to preparing your heart for reconciliation with your estranged daughter:

1. Pray for restoration.
   I understand that at times our prayers may feel like they’re hitting the ceiling. But it’s important to remember that your prayers are being heard by your Heavenly Father who says if we call on him he will answer us and tell us great and unsearchable things that we don’t know (Jeremiah 33:3). Ask Him to move in ways that only a true Father can. Write out prayer requests and date them so you can see how God answers as you stay the course with believing prayer.

2.  Own your part…with humility.
   Sometimes it can be hard to see the log in our own eye while instead focusing on the splinter in someone else’s (Matthew 7:5). And when there has been hurt between a dad and daughter, such that the bridge between them is weakened or bombed out completely, as her father, it’s vital that you search your own heart before God and be willing to admit your fault. As you assess yourself honestly (even asking others for input), it will set the foundation of humility and openness for the time when your relationship is restored.

3. Don’t take her rejection personally.
   If the distance between you and your daughter has little or nothing to do with you (a.k.a. a divorce or tragedy beyond your control that led to the estrangement), then seek to stand strong in the truth that she needs space to work this out in her way and in her time. There’s nothing you can do to rush that process along. Patience is key.

4. Look with open and eager anticipation.
   One of my favorite Bible stories is in Luke 15, a parable Jesus tells about his Father. He shares five ways that the earthly dad in this story re-engages with his estranged son, thus providing a road map for dads who are in a similar situation. This father saw his child (which means he was consistently looking for him), was filled with compassion, ran toward him, threw his arms around him, and kissed him. That is the necessary stance for a dad with an estranged daughter, as modeled by the ultimate Dad, our Heavenly Father.

5. Buy a journal and write to her in it. (This one is my favorite!)
   Because you will date each entry, it will serve as a time capsule where you’ll be recording your thoughts and memories about her, dreams for her future, words of encouragement, prayers for her, positive and loving affirmations, things you wish you could tell her if she were here, etc. This is more for you than for her because it will keep hope alive as you write things down. Then when the time is right (which could be a long ways down the road possibly), you’ll have it as a gift to give her that will let her know that she was never far from your heart even when there was distance. It will prove to her the power of your love was solid even when she may have believed otherwise.

As noted from Luke 15, do not lose heart even while your daughter is away and distanced, possibly making choices that grieve you.

Do what God as a good Father does by staying open to her in your heart, looking forward for her return (no matter how long it takes) while believing that she needs your prayers for healing in her own life, whether or not she’s ready to engage with you now.

And in the meantime, I encourage you to do your own work. But this I mean to take steps to vulnerably tell your story and be willing to “look at your own stuff,” followed with receiving input and support from trusted friends or a counselor. This will set the foundation for a healthier relationship with your daughter when she returns because you’ll better understand yourself and have more tools in your emotional toolbox.

These five action steps above will set a foundation of hope as you take proactive steps forward. I pray your Thanksgiving and Christmas season will be a time of renewal, even in the hard spaces, as you celebrate the King who came to earth to give us the promise of heaven beyond today.

Two Vitally Important Questions to Ask Yourself to Start the New Year Strong

Happy New Year, Dads!

As we hit the ground running in these first days of January, I want confirm that I’m here with renewed passion and commitment to encourage you in your fathering goals.

And whether you’re wired to make resolutions for the new year…or not…I believe you’ll benefit from taking a few minutes to ask yourself TWO QUESTIONS to set your course as a dad in 2025.

Quick backstory: This week I was talking with my friend, Ron Hauenstein, who founded the Spokane Fatherhood Initiative (SpoFI) and he recently wrote a guest blog for us (so you might recognize his name). Ron shared something powerful that I want to pass along to you.

He asked the guys in his group to WRITE RESPONSES to two questions:

1.  What are the three most important changes I want to see in MYSELF in the next six months?

2. What are the three most important changes I want to see in MY CIRCUMSTANCES in the next six months?

I love the fact that these questions are introspective and invite us to look within ourselves rather than hanging our expectations for change on those around us---be it our kids, spouse, work environment, etc.

And secondly, the KEY is to WRITE what you want to see happen in yourself and your circumstances. Research confirms that putting goals into writing and seeing what you’ve written will increase the effectiveness of reaching your goals.

Finally, place your written or typed words in a prominent place as a reminder of your intention, goals, wishes, and mindset.

And though these two questions don’t specifically mention your role as a dad, we all know that as you grow and change, your daughter (and son) will enjoy the benefits and rewards of your proactive changes and positive decisions.

Ron told me that “the most predominant change the men want to see in themselves is better emotional control, followed by boosting self-worth.” So how about you, Dad? What is the most predominant change you want to see in your life this year?

I’d love for you to share with me your responses to the two questions above as a way to accentuate your goals with accountability.

We’ve all got lots of work to do. I’m so glad we’re all on the same team!

Put Your Love In Writing (a last minute Christmas gift that’s guaranteed to be your daughter’s favorite!)

Merry Christmas Dad! I know we’re all pressed for time as we get closer to December 25th, so I’m meeting you where you’re at with a last minute Christmas gift that’s guaranteed to be your daughter’s favorite!

If you want to give your daughter a Christmas gift this year that: 

• Won’t cost any money

• Won’t require driving to the mall (you’re welcome!)

• Will only take 30 to 45 minutes of your time

• Is guaranteed to be one of her all-time favorite gifts…then get your pen ready!

One of the greatest presents you can give your daughter is to affirm her through writing. 

I speak from personal experience by sharing that I’ve saved all the letters and cards my dad has ever made me. And I’ve heard innumerable stories from other daughters who also have saved letters and cards from their dads, which are sacred treasures, especially for those whose dads are no longer here to tell them in person that they are loved.

And in a world where written communication is increasingly digital (texts, emails, tweets), a letter scripted in your own handwriting is sure to stand out as unique.

Dad, put your words of affirmation, acceptances, belief, encouragement, promise, and praise into writing because your daughter will treasure what you say to her for a lifetime. 

The time you spend now putting your thoughts, feelings, prayers, wishes, hopes, and dreams into written form will pay dividends long after you’re gone as she reads and rereads your words.

Whether you’re a dad who has already begun this practice or you are a tentative newbie, I want to share a few ideas to support your pen-to-paper challenge. 

Here are a few dad-to-daughter letter-writing ideas to add to your repertoire:

• What is one of the first things you remember about her from when she was born and you looked at her for the first time?

• What beauty did you see in her then and what beautiful features do you see in her now? (Girls love hearing about their eyes, smile, and the unique features that you see as beautiful)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• What strengths do you believe she has, both in terms of skill and in her person (her character, personality, etc.)?

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• Tell her specific reasons you’re proud of her

• Write about what obstacles you have seen her overcome—emphasize such qualities as courage, resilience, strength, commitment, endurance, and power

• Write about dreams you have for her future, whether in the form of your wishes for her or things you pray about for her—do this without preaching or lecturing, only encourage

• Tell her what it means to you to spend time with her

• Communicate why you love being her dad in this season of her life (add current things about her age right now that you’re aware of and highlight them as positive)

• Let her know that you will always be there for her, telling her what it means to you to be her dad

Dad, as you give your daughter the gift of a letter from you this Christmas, I guarantee it will be one of her favorite gifts that will last a lifetime.

The Sustaining Power of Showing Up

We’ve all heard that the gift of presence lasts longer than gifts and presents.

We all know that LOVE is spelled T-I-M-E and when we give minutes, we give memories.

And we’re all aware that with increased distractions, presence is truly one of the most amazing sacrificial gifts of love we can offer someone.

Yet although we know these truths, it seems harder and harder to slow down long enough to look someone in the eyes, listen with both ears, set down our devices, and turn towards the person who is sitting across from us. Then when we consider that dads are often hard pressed to track with all the complexities of their daughter’s world even on the best of days, we see how quickly an interaction can unintentionally derail.

It’s right here, into the challenging and complex realities of interpersonal relationships, that Dr. Tina Payne Bryson and Dr. Daniel Siegel speak. They’ve written a powerful book to help us navigate relationships, specifically from a parental perspective. I absolutely love the title…The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired.

Just reading the title gives hope that in our fast-paced world where it can seem like we’re never quite getting it right or doing enough, the encouraging truth is that the posture of our presence is phenomenally powerful to our kids.

Let me say it another way: Dad, when you show up in your daughter’s life, your presence infuses lasting, sustaining power into her heart and soul.

I trust this concept breathes life into the places where you may inadvertently believe the lie that because you struggle to keep up with all your daughter’s ever-changing needs, wants, and dreams, it’s better to back off and defer to mom since she’s a “girl.”

I want to encourage you today by highlighting insights from these two brilliant authors, researchers, and parental experts when they say: “What’s the one thing a parent can do to make the most difference in the long run? The research is clear: Show up!"

There it is, TWO WORDS that are plain and simple: SHOW UP!

As I reflect on 30 years of interacting with clients in my clinical practice, I validate their findings and confirm that showing up definitely IS enough!”

To confirm this truth, Drs. Payne Bryson and Seigel also claim that “it doesn’t take a lot of time, energy, or money. Instead, showing up means offering a quality of presence.”

They’ve come up with a way to easily remember what every child needs by sharing what they call, “The Four S’s. In order to thrive, your daughter needs to feel:

• Safe

• Seen

• Soothed

• Secure

If you want to learn more about how to increase secure attachment with your daughter in these four ways, here’s a free handout from Dr. Siegel: https://drdansiegel.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/POSU-Refrigerator-Sheet.pdf. You can put this in a prominent place to remind yourself daily to actively do these four things with your daughter (and son).

And if you REALLY want to go the distance, I strongly recommend reading The Power of Showing Up.

Dad, it’s never to late to kick things up a notch in dialing in to your daughter’s heart space by taking a little more time today to enter into her world with the gift of YOU.

A Father's Love: Leaving a Legacy of Compassion

Today’s guest blog is written by a close friend I’ve known since high school and we were counseling colleagues in Portland, Oregon for years. Recently she invited me to share about fathers and daughters on her platform, and this piece flows from our conversation. I’m grateful for her willingness to share her vulnerable story here.

~ Michelle

If there’s one thing I could say to you dads today, it would be this: There is power in a father’s words and actions to create a lasting legacy of compassion and emotional connection with your daughters.

This is actually quite personal for me, and I’m honored to share it with you here.

I have so many images in my mind of men who have done this kind of thoughtful, connected, intentional fathering well. 

Yet I want to focus today on one specific outstanding dad. I want to honor my brother John, who passed away four years ago in a car accident. His kids were 17 and 19 at the time. He was an amazing dad — he loved their hearts, pursued them, took them on dates, wrapped his arms around them. He was empathetic.

I was just talking to his daughter last night, and she said, “I’ve been reading through my notes from Dad. You know, he was so good at that. He gave me so many notes.”

I thought, Really?! I was in awe. But not surprised. Because that’s so like my brother.

It’s clear that the simplest acts of love and affirmation can leave a profound legacy, especially when they come from a dad.

Here’s how my niece Natalie said it to me:

The best way to describe what kind of dad he was is to say that he knew how to make me feel special and seen. He knew me so well that he just knew exactly what I needed from him to feel loved. Sometimes it was a special note or a little gift. Other times it was just taking the time to ask me about my day or watching a silly, girly movie with me that he would pretend to like and be interested in just because he knew it was special to me. 

You can hear how Natalie’s heartfelt recollections underscore how a father’s words and actions are not only vital in the present, but can echo throughout the entirety of their daughter’s lives, providing comfort and confidence even in their absence. 

My own brother’s legacy of handwritten notes serves as a poignant reminder that love expressed in tangible ways can nurture and sustain a daughter’s spirit…forever.

So, take a moment today to write a note, share an encouraging word, and embrace the opportunity to leave a legacy of love and compassion for your daughter. She’ll treasure it always.

Your presence, love, and willingness to understand and support her unconditionally will leave an indelible mark — an enduring legacy — that will resonate in her heart long after she’s grown.

Fathers, by choosing to be intentional and compassionate in your interactions, you can create lasting bonds that transcend time. 

[If you’d like to learn more about Sabrina and her work, you can find her at CoreValuesCounseling.com]

8 Steps to Better Listening for GirlDads (Guest Blog by Dr. Ken Canfield)

Today I’ve invited my husband, Dr. Ken Canfield, founder of the National Center for Fathering, to share some secrets he’s learned over the years when it comes to really listening to the women in his family. With three daughters, two daughters-in-law, and nine granddaughters, suffice it to say that he’s had lots of practice! I know you’ll appreciate hearing his practical ideas for strengthening your auditory skill set in today’s blog.    
~ Michelle

When a dad says he wants better communication with his daughter, he shouldn’t just jump in and start talking. The first thing he needs to do—and do well—is listen.

Here are eight ideas to practice with your daughter every day:

1. Face your daughter squarely.
   This says, “I’m available to you; I choose to be with you.” This also means putting away or turning off all distractions, like cell phones and other screens and background noise.

2. Adopt an open posture.
   Crossed arms and legs say, “I’m not interested.” An open posture shows your daughter that you’re open to her and what she has to say.

3. Put yourself on your daughter’s level.
   Kneel, squat down, sit on the floor in her room, lean toward her. This communicates, “I want to know more about you.”  

4. Maintain good eye contact.
   Have you ever talked to someone whose eyes seem to be looking at everything in the room but you? How did that make you feel? That’s not something you want your kids to experience with you. (Did you really put your cell phone away?)

5. Stay relaxed.
   If you fidget nervously as your daughter is talking, she’ll think you’d rather be somewhere else. That’s counterproductive.

6. Watch your daughter.
   Learn to read her nonverbal behavior: posture, body movements, and gestures. Notice frowns, smiles, raised brows, and twisted lips. Listen to voice quality and pitch, emphasis, pauses, and inflections. The way in which your daughter says something can tell you more than what she is actually saying.

7. Actively give your daughter nonverbal feedback.
   Nod. Smile. Raise your eyebrows. Look surprised. These small signals mean more than you realize. They’ll encourage your child to open up even more and let you into his life.

8. The last step to listening is . . . speaking.
   But, before you give your response, restate in your own words what she has told you. That proves you were listening, and it also gives her the opportunity to say, “Yes, that’s it exactly,” or “No, what I really mean is this …” Remember, the goal of communication is understanding.

There are too many adults who lament that their fathers never cared about them or what they had to say. They felt let down then, and still do even years later. You have the privilege and opportunity today to write a new script, to start a new (or renewed) precedent, and to proactively invest in your daughter.

What you do today will last for years to come.

Listening isn’t easy, but it’s worth every bit of effort.

It's Heart Commitment Month: The Dad-Daughter Edition

In celebration of Valentine’s month (which I’m renaming, “Heart Commitment Month”), I thought you dads would enjoy hearing the results of an informal survey I conducted that will support you in engaging your daughter’s heart with more clarity and specificity.

I sent out requests via email and on social media to girls and women with this question:

What do you really need from your dad?

Then I added a short addendum to my request:

“This is your opportunity to use your voice to help dads across America by answering this question and telling me the top five things you really need from your dad. Feel free to pass this on to any women you know who may want to help me gather information.”

Not only did the responses start pouring in, but surprisingly, women took me up on my suggestion and started sending the questionnaire to their friends and family. I honestly hadn’t expected that level of enthusiastic response! 

The youngest participant was nine years old while the oldest was 89, again reflecting the relevance of this topic to girls and women across the lifespan. This question seemed to spark something in the hearts of females that spurred them to want their voices to be heard. 

So here is a profound look inside the inner world of women. I trust that you’ll hear their hearts and not just see a list of entitled requests from demanding females.

The truth is that these aren’t just wants or complaints from whiny women. These are needs. Their honest, heartfelt feedback is here to let you know what girls and women are really thinking and what they are really longing for from their dads.

And your daughter really wants these same things from you. 

Here are the 25 most commonly mentioned things that a daughter really needs from her dad:

1. Time (“To show interest and involvement in my life,” “To be available”)

2. Affirmation (“Approval,” “Praise,” “Hear him say out loud ‘I love you’”)

3. Affection (“Hugs,” “Physical touch”)

4. Unconditional love (“For who I am regardless of my failures”)

5. Apologize

6. Be proud of me (“To know I’m not a disappointment to him,” “No judgment,” “Less criticism,” “Faith in me”)

7. Tell me I’m beautiful (“Compliment me, especially about my looks”)

8. Talk to me and open up about himself, his pain, his faults, his hopes (“Let me see that he is human, that he fails, that he makes mistakes, and then show me how to make it right,” “Time alone where I get to know him and his childhood stories”) 

9. Pursue me (“Desire to get to know me,” “Interactive conversation where he is asking me questions about myself,” “To actively seek me out and find out what I am doing, what I am interested in, WHO I am”)

10. Prayer (Either talking to God for her or talking to Him with her)

11. To work on his temper so I can feel safe (“Not to crush my spirit”)

12. Not to change me (“To let me be me,” “be accepted for myself—not for what I did or failed to do”)

13. Honesty (“I need him to be honest with himself. When he's honest with himself, it frees him to be honest with me”)

14. Just listen

15. Guidance

16. Protection

17. Sense of humor

18. Teach me about things

19. Be an adventurer…with me

20. Instead of not being there, please be there (“Instead of handing me money, ask to come with me and take me shopping or out to lunch”)

21. Tell me you love being my dad

22. Believe in me

23. Never give up on our family

24. Show me how a real man treats a woman

25. Support my ideas and dreams

There it is. Raw. Vulnerable. Honest. And every single response comes from a daughter’s heart longing for connection and relationship with her dad coupled with a desire for love and affirmation from her dad. 

My deep and passionate desire is for dads across America and the world to step up and step in to their roles as fathers. We can’t go one more day without every dad being all in with a renewed commitment to be all that his daughter needs him to be in her life.

Truth: A daughter who knows she is loved and adored by her dad will pass along that same gift to those around her. 

Dad, I encourage you to take five things from this list, the ones that most strongly resonate with your core values, and put them into action…now.

Be the dad your daughter really needs you to be…today. 

P.S. If you’d like a chart listing these 25 things so you can challenge yourself to do all of them with or for your daughter, click here. 

Your Pen-to-Paper Valentine's Day Challenge (This will be your daughter’s favorite Valentine’s Day gift EVER!)

One of the greatest gifts you can give your daughter is to affirm her through writing. And in a world where handwritten communication is less common and most often casual (texts, emails, social media, tweets), a letter in your own handwriting stands out. That’s why I’m challenging you to put your pen to paper this year to give your daughter a Valentine’s Day gift she’ll love.

I’ll never forget when dad Dennis surprisingly noticed that his thirteen-year-old daughter Olivia not only kept the letter he wrote her, but placed it on top of her desk for her friends to see. He completely expected her to be embarrassed by his card and hide it, especially from her peers. So, as you can imagine, his heart melted when he saw the positive impact his written words had made.

The power of putting your thoughts, feelings, dreams, truth, and love for your daughter into written form is that she can read and reread it. She will treasure the things you write to her now and for years to come.

How do I know this? Because I, and many other girls, have saved our dad’s notes.

I’ll tell you a story to bring this to light. My dad started a tradition a number of years ago where he creates a one-of-a-kind birthday card and includes pictures from that year to highlight things he’s noticed and remembered. I’ve saved every one!

And even if you’re not artistic or creative, just the fact that you’ve noticed things about your daughter and then bring to light the unique things about her, things you find adorable, enjoyable, and memorable, it provides a pathway to her heart that will be a treasure to her forever.

Whether you’re a dad who has already begun this practice or a tentative newbie, I’d love to give you a few ideas to support your pen-to-paper Valentines challenge.

Here are a few dad-to-daughter letter-writing ideas to add to your repertoire:

• What was one of the first things you remember about her when she was born and you looked at her for the first time?

• What beauty did you see in her then and what beautiful features do you see in her now? (Girls love hearing about their eyes, smile, and the unique features that you see as beautiful)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• What strengths do you believe she has, both in terms of skill and in her person (her character, personality)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• Tell her specific reasons you’re proud of her

• Write about what obstacles you have seen her overcome—emphasize such qualities as courage, resilience, strength, commitment, endurance, power

• Write about dreams you have for her future, whether in the form of your wishes for her or things you pray about for her—do this without preaching or lecturing, only encourage

• Tell her what it means to you to spend time with her

• Communicate why you love being her dad in this season of her life (add current things about her age right now that you’re aware of and highlight them as positive)

• Let her know that you will always be there for her, telling her what it means to you to be her dad

If writing is not your thing, still do it (I know…I’m being a tough teacher right now). I promise that your daughter will thrive in direct proportion to the words you speak (verbal and written) into her life.

And the more you hone your writing skills, the easier it will become.

On your mark, get set, write!

What Difference Does it Make When a Dad Drops His Anger? (A real life story with Ron Hauenstein)

Today I want to introduce you a very good friend of mine, Ron Hauenstein.

Ron is the real deal. He’s a warm-hearted, down-to-earth, generous man who lives to see others thrive and heal. He goes the extra mile to support those around him and has no desire to be in the spotlight. (Yet here I am today highlighting him!)

Recently Ron and I were talking about my viral video on the topic of men dropping their anger, which prompted a conversation that I want to share with you today (with his permission, of course!).

First, let me tell you more about Ron.

Ron founded the Spokane Fatherhood Initiative (SpoFI) in Washington State in 2017 with a goal to restore the value of fatherhood. After spending years volunteering at a shelter for homeless women and children, Ron continued to see the negative impact of fatherlessness, which compelled him to launch SpoFI and develop a curriculum called “24-7 Dad.”

Many men who have found their way to his organization have been released from prison and are learning profound life skills, which has reduced recidivism rates in their state. I’m happy to report that SpoFI has issued more than 550 certificates of completion while seeing a remarkable graduation rate of 92 percent!

The reality is that Ron is in the trenches with real dads who are doing the hard work of restoring that which they have broken in their homes while also experiencing inner healing for their own brokenness.

With that backdrop, here’s what Ron wrote to me:

Michelle,

I’ve been following this development on your viral video since it occurred, which leads me to share something I’ve discovered.

When we ask dads to name the most significant change they experience as a result of our classes, the large majority say, “I’m more patient with my kids.”

One dad was in court and was challenged by his ex-wife when she said, “So you took a fatherhood class, big deal.”

His reply: “Do you know what our 4-year-old daughter says to me now? She says, ‘Daddy, you don’t get mad like you used to. You don’t yell at us anymore.’ He continued, “I made that decision to stop yelling at my kids at the end of the second class.”

So after just four hours of SpoFI classes he made an internal choice, a major change in his beliefs, about how to parent.

There’s something about the atmosphere God creates in our classrooms that allow men:

• time for introspection

• a chance to listen to other fathers

• the ability to reflect on their behavior

• space to ponder what they learned from their own father

In our “24-7 Dad” PM (advanced) fatherhood class, I facilitate a 2-hour session on anger. I pass out crayons and paper and ask the men to draw a picture of what their father looked like to them when they were a child and dad was angry.

Here are some samples:

After some rich discussion, I give the men another assignment: “Now, draw me a picture of what your children see when you are angry.” Many of the men confess that the same picture suffices.

I’m working my way through a book titled Unoffendable by Brant Hansen. His challenge: Are you willing to give up the right to be angry? Ummmmm…deep stuff. Goes along with another lesson I teach: You Don’t Have to Be Wrong to Repent.

Wow! Now you can understand why I dearly love and respect Ron’s heart for fathers. He helps them reveal and process the nuances of their relationships with their own fathers that impacts them more than they’ve probably ever realized.

So how about you? Would you be willing to follow Ron’s lead and draw two pictures to represent your story?

• What did your father look like to you when you were a child and your dad was angry?

• What do your children see when you’re angry?

Next, here’s a plan for processing and healing after you’ve drawn these pictures:

1. Set the two pictures side by side. Look at them closely without judgment. Just notice.

2. Feel what you need to feel. Give yourself the gift of releasing sadness and tears. (Tears have salt in them and salt brings healing to wounded areas. Trust me when I say: Real men cry. Jesus did and you can follow His lead).

3. Ask God, your Heavenly Father, to come near to the “little boy you” who lives inside and often takes the lead. Allow your Heavenly Father to give His unconditional comfort and love, which often is different than what you experienced from your earthly father.

4. Notice where you feel that comfort in your body and hold it there as long as you can.

5. Then imagine your adult self joining in to connect with your younger self while your Heavenly Father affirms and validates who you are. Allow your adult self to also affirm your younger self, even if it seems pointless or silly. (This cord of three strands is strong and powerful).

Well done.

Now take a breath as you express gratitude for where you are, who you are, and for the amazing children God has given you to love and lead.

I know this isn’t easy to do, but it’s necessary to look deeper if you want to begin (or continue) healing. This is a way you can drop your anger and be the dad you want to be.

Let me also add that if you want to keep doing more work like this, you can always reach out to me for a coaching session. I’d be honored to walk with you through more processing to greater healing.

So what difference does it make when a dad drops his anger?

It makes ALL the difference and makes home happier because love takes the lead.

P.S. If you want to connect with Ron Hauenstein, here’s his contact information:  

Spokane Fatherhood Initiative
Phone: 509-315-8850
www.spofi.org
www.spokane127.org

10 PROACTIVE Ways to Intentionally Start 2024 as a Dialed-in GirlDad

I wish there were some kind of reward system in our country for fathers who step up to the plate and hit it out of the ballpark as a dad. There needs to be some sort of celebration for those of you who intentionally dial in to the heart space of your daughters, don’t you think?

In the meantime I’ll continue celebrating dads who are doing it right! (You’ll notice I didn’t use the word “perfect” since no such thing exists).

Of course you know by now that I'm highly attuned to watching relationships between dad and daughters. Even when I’m not trying to notice, I notice. It seems that no matter where I am, my eyes and ears are conditioned to observe the way dads interact with their daughters (and sons), as well as the way they respond back. I truly believe that their interactions in public say a lot about what goes on in private, at home.

As we begin 2024, I want to celebrate one particular dad I’ve observed from a distance who is dialed-in to his daughters. Whether or not he’s someone you’ve ever watched (or liked) on television, the thing I admire most about Chip Gaines is that he’s not just invested in fixing up houses and properties. He’s clearly focused on building into the lives of his five children, two of them being daughters.

That said, here are 10 proactive ways I’ve noticed Chip Gaines investing in his daughter’s lives as a #GirlDad, which equates to 10 proactive strategies you can choose from to start this new year with intention: That said, here are 10 proactive ways I’ve noticed Chip Gaines investing in his daughter’s lives as a #GirlDad, which equates to 10 proactive strategies you can choose from to start this new year with intention:

1. Dad really LIKES and ENJOYS his daughters.
Chip clearly loves talking, laughing, and playing with his girls. It’s obvious they feel his positivity and delight in being their dad.

2. His girls feel comfortable BEING THEMSELVES around him.
Chip’s daughters appear to be fully engaged in life when their dad is there. They’re silly and talkative, they jump and run, twirl and dance, explore and take risks, and ask questions and follow directions. I guess you could say they get to be kids who have fun being kids without fear of their dad forcing them to grow up before their time.

3. Dad SETS LIMITS for his daughters. 
At various times Chip instructs them to do or not do things by saying “yes” and “no” to their requests. He provides boundaries by guiding them in various activities.

4. Dad leads by MODELING RESPECT. 
Of course we all know there are edits to the final version of each episode, yet a consistent theme I’ve noticed is that Chip’s daughters treat each other in like kind to the way their dad treats those around him, especially their mom. Additionally, the way he relates to and honors them as his daughters parallels the way they relate to and honor each other. Once again, more is caught than taught.

5. Dad LISTENS WELL to his daughters.
Chip often looks into their eyes when he talks to his girls. He responds to their questions with answers in age appropriate ways that are wrapped in kindness. Bottom line: What matters to them matters to him.

6. Dad gives them opportunities to ENTER INTO HIS WORLD.
Whether he invites them to be with him at a job site, go on an errand with him, or times he joins them in one of their projects, Chip lets his daughters get up close and personal to see what his life is about. This dad invites his girls to take part in that which is important to him, in work and play.

7. Dad DOESN’T SPEAK HARSHLY to them.
Again, I realize that editing is potentially king here, but it’s evident these girls are relaxed and calm in their dad’s presence. They appear to have no fear that he may yell or react, even if they make a mistake. They aren’t shamed or criticized, but are redirected and corrected when necessary. As a result, their naïve and vulnerable childlikeness is refreshingly evident as they spontaneously interface with life as it unfolds under their dad’s guidance and care.

8. Dad invites them to GROW IN BEING RESPONSIBLE, one event at a time.
Because children learn life lessons by doing things and actively participating, Chip demonstrates what this look like in action by going the extra mile with his girls. Whether buying chickens as a practical way to teach them how to tend to life on a farm or selling eggs of said chickens, these girls are on the path to entrepreneurship, all because their dad’s intentional fathering style engages them first hand in the areas he believes will benefit them as they mature.

9. Dad LOVES THEIR MOM.
The authentic love Chip has for his wife is literally transmitted through the airwaves from Waco, Texas to every viewer’s home. I don’t know how that can happen but it does. When a dad loves his children’s mother, it gives them a sense of security and safety that frees them up to thrive and be themselves without worry that life as they know it may crumble or falter. This is a powerful gift from a dad to his kids. (Even if a marriage has already ended, a dad can still choose to never speak negatively about his daughter’s mom, which allows her not to choose sides nor thwart healthy development).

10. These daughters follow Dad’s lead in HONORING HIS FAITH TRADITIONS.
From inviting his children to dedicate their home to God by kneeling on the dirt road of their home or praying before a meal, it’s clear that these little apples haven’t fallen far from the tree. The gratitude Dad has for the life God has given them is emulated by his daughters who respect their dad enough to readily follow his example. (If your spiritual life is less than solid, I encourage you to make a commitment to strengthen this area of your life in this year).

So there you have it---a road map for 2024 if you’d like to follow the lead of a dialed-in Dad who models to us what healthy fathering of daughters looks like in action.

Thank you Chip Gaines for taking your show about remodeling houses and actually using it to teach us what it looks to remodel a home---from the inside---to become one that has love and respect, boundaries and fun.

And thank you for revealing that it takes a lot more than brick and mortar, shiplap and paint to make a house a home. For when a dad truly loves and leads his family, everyone wins.