Dads are Thermostats, not Thermometers: Lessons from a Military Dad

Jackson Drumgoole is a field grade Army officer and the senior force management advisor to the Commanding General of the 7th Infantry Division on Joint Base Lewis McChord. Today he shares two of his top goals as a father of three girls.

As a dad with three daughters - one 12-year-old and two 9-year-olds - I am learning as I go, just like you. And having been in the Army now for 22 years, I find that the learning process for me as a father looks a lot like life in the military with a mix of challenges and defeats, successes and victories.

I know as fathers it’s easy to bring home the stress of our jobs, even though we know that it never bears positive dividends when we do. Here are a couple of proactive strategies I’ve found that help to support putting my love for my girls into action.

This first goal focuses on my interactions with them while the second centers on me.

1. Divide and comfort vs. divide and conquer

I have discovered that when my pre-teen "snaps" or acts condescending towards her younger siblings in my presence I address it immediately. Oftentimes, I make sharp corrections in order to deescalate the situation, which typically goes like this,

“Honey...is that your best response?”
“Does that sound like something that I or your mother would say or do?”
“NO-DUMPING-BUCKETS!”

Everyone in the house already knows that this means to never intentionally demean another person. We are constantly teaching respect, honor, and esteem in our home during times of peace.  

Nevertheless, at the first opportunity, I separate my little ladies for "age appropriate" counseling, comforting, and family reconciliation. What's so interesting for me is learning how well they each articulate their desire to be respected by the other siblings.‬

My wife and I have laid a tremendous amount of groundwork, as a married couple of 15 years, in modeling proper conflict management. We also stress the importance of maintaining family integrity and respect.

Additionally, because my two 9-year-old daughters so admire their big sister and desire to be valued and respected by her as a peer, I simply use the power of the word “remember.” When interacting with my 12-year-old, I may say,

"Do you remember how you felt when you were 9 years old and...”

This automatically shifts her from a defensive posture and places her in a mentoring role. When interacting with my 9-year-olds, I may say,

"Remember, you girls will be pre-teens very soon and...”

This gives them a sense of hope, and they immediately start giggling and celebrating with youthful optimism.

I must also remember that these little ones are simply flesh and blood looking to be accepted, seeking to be adored, and longing to be appreciated. It is my honor to be able to provide that for them.

My heart’s desire, as a father, is to foster an atmosphere of love, respect, and cohesion while creating amazing memories for my children. It is essential that each of them know that I am here to not only protect them physically, but emotionally as well.

2. Pull over

After a long stressful day at work, I so look forward to jumping in my car, turning on a podcast or favorite song and getting home as quickly as possible. There is always so much on my mind and it seems impossible to turn off: deadlines, presentations, the next “thing to do,” questions, doubts, things to coordinate, things to uncoordinate…my head is spinning just thinking about it and I know that I am not alone.

I often find myself taking my stress home and downloading on unsuspecting loved ones. What used to be an everyday routine family reunion when I came home, turned into a run-for-cover-retreat event for the kiddos. For my family’s sake, I found something helpful that I would love to share. It’s very simple and takes as long or as short as you’d like. 

Simply pull the car over. 

David Code, author of Kids Pick Up On Everything: How Parental Stress Is Toxic To Kids, suggests the most critical thing that we transmit to our kids is not our declaration of love, but to provide them with a sense of calm and the absence of stress. Code suggests that stress causes our little ones to accommodate for these vague senses of impending danger which impede normal brain development. 

Code claims that in the famous rat experiments, what’s being transmitted from mother to pup is not love, it’s peace: “By spending a lot of time grooming her pups, the mother rat is saying to them, ‘times are so good and predator-and stress-free that I have lots of time to lick you guys.’” The same reasoning applies to dads, minus the licking.

This is a part of our protection and preparing plan. Code recommends creating calm around them so that they feel no sense of danger.  

Now instead of going straight home, I’ve found that it helps to:

• pull over and decompress

• put things in perspective

• walk into the house creating an atmosphere of calm, safety, peace, and protection.

Proverbs 15:4 reminds us that the soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit. 

Remember Dads, we are thermostats not thermometers.

Guest Blog: Teaching Your Daughter to Stand Up to You

Join me in welcoming guest blogger, Jim Jackson, co-founder of Connected Families, and a leader in promoting healthy families.  

Early in life it became clear that my little girl, Bethany, loved pleasing people. If what she wanted was not what others wanted, she'd give in to the energy of whomever it was she was eager to please. This is a great trait when obedience to a parent was the issue, but not so great when it came to standing up for herself on the playground. For a short season I would figuratively pat myself on the back whenever Bethany quickly and willingly did what I asked. What a great parent I was! Or not.

Maybe the way kids respond to our parenting is not as much about our great (or not so great) parenting as it is about the combination of their personality, developmental stage, and in Bethany's case, fear of disappointing.

As I thought more deeply about it, I realized that in order to keep the peace and please people, Bethany would say yes to things that it might be best for her to say no to. For example, her grandma used to love to give Bethany a big kiss every time she saw her. Not just any kiss, but a big sloppy wet kiss. I knew that Bethany hated how this felt, but that she was more interested in pleasing Gramma than in standing up for herself. So she'd let Gramma kiss her, and then get anxious every time it was time to visit Gramma.

At first I didn't think it was a significant issue. But as I looked into her future it occurred to me that the sooner Bethany learned to stand up for herself when appropriate, the stronger she would be to set good boundaries for herself as she grew up. So I invented the "not the way it works" game.

The inspiration for the game came from Gramma, who before kissing 5-year-old Bethany would say, "If you love me, you'll give me a big kiss!" See what she did there? Of course Bethany wanted no part of not loving Gramma, so she'd oblige, even though she didn't like the kiss. Imagine how this could play out over time with others - particularly with young men. Not that any young man would ever use that phrase on my precious offspring - but just in case - the "not the way it works" game was born.

It started out simply enough. "Bethany" I'd say from the comfort of my recliner, "If you love me, you'll go get me a blanket." She'd bring the blanket and then I'd say, "Good. Now, if you love me, you'll give me a big kiss!" and I'd pucker up. I could see the discomfort of her tension, wanting to please, but not wanting my spit on her face. Just as she reluctantly turned my way I'd say, "Bethany. It's OK to say no to this if you don't want a kiss because you can love me but not kiss me. So give it a try."

It was hard for her at first, so I kept coaching her, several times a week, to say, "I love you daddy, but that's not the way it works!" I did it with fetching slippers, or scratching my back. Little by little she became more comfortable saying no.

The big test came when it was time to go to Gramma's. I worked with Bethany to respectfully let Gramma know that she was loved, but that Bethany didn't want a kiss. Bethany practiced, "I love you Gramma, but that's not the way it works. Can we just hug instead?" We high-fived!

When it was time Bethany followed the script perfectly. Gramma seemed hurt and later asked, why won't Bethany kiss me? I encouraged her to ask Bethany directly, which she did. Bethany responded, "I don't like lip kisses. I just like hugs." That seemed good enough for Gramma and has never been an issue since, and Bethany stopped being anxious about going to Gramma's.

Over the years I have played the "If you love me" game less frequently. Even into her 20's I'd play it once in awhile as a throwback, and Bethany still answers with confidence, "That's not the way it works!" The best news is that when pressed by young men to do things she’d rather not do she gives the same answer - with confidence.

I realize in the writing of this that there is a fine line between obeying parents and being manipulated by parents. Using this strategy over the years helped me better define that line and stay respectful not just of Bethany but of all three of my kids when making parental requests.

Today, Bethany has a healthy view of authority and sets good boundaries for herself in relationships of all kinds. She'd tell you today that she still struggles a bit with people-pleasing, but that it's never gotten her in any regrettable trouble. And she’ll also tell that Lynne and I both helped her learn what love without strings is all about, and she’s now making great relationships choices as she forges her way through life.

Jim Jackson and his wife, Lynne’s, ministry purpose is to inspire and equip parents to embody God’s grace and truth in compelling ways. Learn more about their ministry at www.connectedfamilies.org or check out their recent book, Discipline that Connects with Your Child’s Heart.

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