Perfume Day: The Tradition Continues

By now most of you have heard me talk about one of my most favorite days of the year: PERFUME DAY! And once again, I just have to talk about it (in hopes that dads across America--and the world--will join in spoiling their daughters with this amazing tradition).

Just in case you haven’t read about it in my book or read a past blog, Perfume Day is a day my dad came up with 23 years ago where he takes his daughters on a date to buy perfume as part of our annual Christmas tradition.

Why do I love this day?

1. Because it’s unnecessary and extravagant, which makes it even more special because my dad doesn’t have to do this; he spends money on me because he loves me.

2. It feels like my dad is shouting from the rooftops that I am worth his investment.

3. Because he enters into the whole process with me and smells at least a dozen scents on my arms and hands as I try them on (since we all know that the only way to know if a scent really works is to see how it sits on one’s skin!).

4. He takes the time to enjoy me and isn’t rushing through it or checking it off his to-do list.

5. I can feel his happiness during the whole experience, which makes my heart smile too.

6. I know that the perfume will be something I’ll have on my counter as a reminder of our fun dad-daughter date for the next 365.

7. It’s something that I look forward to all year long and is something I have as a forever memory with my dad.

And since a picture is worth a thousand words, here are a few pictures to give you the real flavor of the tradition (the hair is the best way to document the journey, don’t you think?!)

But before I wrap this up, I’d love to share two stories with you because maybe like Steve, you’ll find that your 14-year old daughter is now looking forward to her second annual perfume date. Here is how Steve told it to me last year:

"Maddie and I enjoyed our first 'perfume day' on Christmas Eve.  At first she was all, "That's weird.”  But then she said, "Dad, I'd really like to do that..."...and so we did and it was fun.  I think she was shocked that it didn't matter what it cost - $59 for a sense of value beyond a sticker price seems like a good value, why wouldn't any father do that..."

Or maybe you’ll be like Mark who jumped on the bandwagon five years ago with his two adult daughters.  Funny story: I ran into them at the mall two weeks ago on the night of their perfume date.  Of course I had to go in for a photobomb! (Look at the smiles on all of their faces that tell the real story.)

And if, by chance, you have a daughter who isn’t into Perfume Day, just know that this whole thing is about a dad dialing in to what his daughter loves and then spoiling her with a treat that serves as a reminder of his love for her. So if something from Home Depot would have that kind of meaning for your daughter, then by all means, let the dad-daughter date happen there! 

Take pictures, document the journey, and share your pictures with me.  Post them on my Facebook page at www.facebook.com/drmichellewatson or on Twitter @mwatsonphd using the hashtag: #perfumeday.

So let the smell of sweet perfume fill the air!  Merry Christmas to you.  

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The Father Wound of Anger: My Guest Blog at Shaunti.com

I'm excited and honored to have been asked to be a guest blogger for Shaunti Feldhahn. Here's a little preview, but be sure to head over to her site to read the article in its entirety!

"If you were to walk up to me and ask, “Michelle, if you could give me one piece of advice about where to deliberately focus my attention so that I’m not perpetuating the cycle of father wounds onto my daughter, what would it be?” Without hesitation I would say: Stop venting your anger at your daughter.

• Your anger destroys her spirit.
• Your anger shuts her down.
• Your anger makes her believe unloveable and unworthy and not worth loving.
• Your anger crushes the core of who she is.

Even if you feel justified in your expression of anger at her, stop and first ground yourself before exploding. I hear more stories from girls on how their dad’s anger deeply impacts them than I do anything else about their dads. I see the pain in their eyes as they tell the story and my heart breaks because I know their dads love them but oftentimes when he’s has had one too many things go wrong in his day with little to no margin left, he comes home and his daughter gets the fumes. It doesn’t take much for him then to blow, often treating her in a way that he later regrets, but by then the damage is done. She is left bleeding on the inside..."

To finish reading, head to Shaunti.com.

Photo credit: John Brawley via Compfight

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DADVICE: What to do When Your Daughter Gets on Your Last Nerve

A couple of weeks ago I had the privilege of hearing renowned author Anne Lamott speak at Powell’s, one of our infamous Portland bookstores. At one point in her talk she had us all uproariously laughing when she admitted that years ago as a new mom and exhausted single parent she had the understandably human thought to put her newborn baby boy outside. For just one night. With the dog. (As if those last two qualifiers somehow made it okay!)

It was refreshing to hear Anne’s gut-level honest disclosure about parenting. And it was clear from the enthusiastic response of the crowd that her irreverent revelations about her secret thought life when it came to mothering brought a bit of relief because most likely every mom and dad in the room could relate to the fact that:

1. Parenting is hard.

2. Parenting is exhausting.

3. Parenting is relentless with no reneging on the commitment.

4. Parenting takes more out of mom and dad than each knew they were signing up for.

5. Parenting has the potential to lead two rational adults to the brink of insanity!

Now let’s shift gears and focus specifically on fathering: As a dad you no doubt have had your buttons pushed one time or another by your daughter (especially as she grows older). You may have found yourself wondering how she figured out the password that gained her access into your internal hard drive, the one that activates every response in you that you promised you’d never have as a father. And then there you are, responding in anger or with a harsh reaction, impatience, or indifference and regrettably hurting the one who not so long before had you driving around with a “Precious Cargo on Board” sign in the window.

And though I never want to come across as a “know-it-all,” I’d love to offer a word picture that might come in handy next time she’s gotten on your last nerve and you want to do things differently.

In your interactions with her perhaps it would help to think back to the day she was born when you saw her as a delicate flower.

Recall how gently you held her, careful not to break her. You took extra precaution so as not to drop her head or jiggle her body too aggressively. You made sure you didn’t talk too loud or shout in order not to scare her. Do you remember that feeling of being overwhelmed with her adorable little features while thinking that you had never held anything so small or beautiful?

Truth be told: This is how you still need to think of “holding her.” She is still just as delicate on the inside as the day she was born. She still needs to be handled with kid gloves. I’d even suggest posting one of her baby pictures in a place where you see it every day as a reminder.

One thing that my dad has had to do with me is soften his tone in order to connect with me (and sometimes it’s been me who has had to soften with him so I know this goes both ways). I know this is something that doesn’t come naturally for him (or for most men, as per the feedback I’ve gotten from men I interact with in The Abba Project who admit to this fact), but it can be done. That’s where the “delicate” part of relating to girls comes in---not that we’re fragile and delicate in terms of our personalities, per se---but more in the way we respond relationally.

I’m not expecting you to be super human or perfect but do want to challenge you to make a commitment today to make a new covenant with your mouth to not vent anger or react with harshness toward your daughter from this day forward. When triggered, just walk away and ground yourself first before responding.

Make a decision to consistently water your beautiful little flower with your words of life!

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10 Reasons I'm Really Thankful for Fathers

Since this is Thanksgiving Week, I figured it was a fitting time to let you dads hear from my heart about what I really think about you!

Having come alongside girls and young women now for the past 35 years, I can undoubtedly say that a father is one, if not the most important person in his daughter’s life.

Yes, moms are essential and necessary and important on more levels than I can count, but every mom out there would support me in saying that her dad was vital to her core sense of identity. He helped shape her self esteem and self worth, and the foundation that her dad laid (or didn’t lay) has impacted how she still views herself today.

Now back to dads. I want you to know what I really honestly think and believe about you. Plain and clear. Straight to the point. This is why you really make a difference.

1. You are the one whose opinion matters most.

2. Your attention communicates more per square inch than you’d imagine.
(I’m not sure why it does, but it just does. You’ll have to believe me on that one!)

3. When you show up, it carries more relational points than most anyone else.

4. When you provide for her needs, she settles into knowing she’ll be okay.

5. Your gaze shouts that she really does have value.

6. Your smile tells her she’s loved and special.

7. You make her day with the way you respond.

8. When you’re proud of her, she thrives in doing anything to ensure that you are.

9. When you’re around, she feels safe.

10. Your support makes her believe she can do anything as long as you’re there.

So just in case you ever think that your presence in your daughter’s life is insignificant or less than essential, please trust me when I say that this couldn’t be further from the truth.

I am thankful for each of you and the way you are literally changing the core of our culture from the ground up by being intentional and consistent in pursuit of your daughter’s hearts!

To sum it up I simply say, “Thanks Dads.”

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Dad, Why Are You Backing Away?

The other day I was getting a pedicure and had a unique experience (yes, toe pampering just happens to be one of those indulgences I justify under the “self care” category of my life). Now before you stop reading because you’ve decided that this doesn’t sound like a blog that speaks to men, hang in there and I promise it will.

You see, what I love most about the whole foot extravaganza thing is that it is a type of forced rest. I can kick back and relax while flipping mindlessly through at least ten or twelve magazines, trying my hardest not to think about anything that might stimulate even the slightest level of neurotransmitter activity!

On this one particular Saturday I was seated next to a woman who I’m guessing had way too much caffeine en route to her appointment. In a much-too-loud-for-normal-salon-etiquette voice she enthusiastically introduced herself to me. “Hi…I’m Samantha…what ya reading there?”

To be honest, I was a bit irritated at first because I really didn’t want to talk. It wasn’t anything personal; I simply wanted to be quiet. But it didn’t take long for me to realize that I didn’t have much choice but to join in because this woman was going to keep knocking on my door until I answered.

As often happens when meeting a stranger, we got to talking about what we both do. Of course this opened up the topic of dads and daughters. That’s when the conversation took a right turn into her heart space.

This 25-year old woman dove head first into the story of her father, the man she lost five years ago, the dad she lost much too soon. With passionate energy she expressed how much he meant to her and how he could never be replaced. It was then that she shared something a bit more vulnerable, something that struck a familiar cord because I’d just had a similar talk with a group of dads who were addressing this same topic from the other side of the solar system.

"As soon as I grew boobs our relationship changed forever. The wrestling stopped. I was 13 when it stopped and I didn't know why. I was an adult when I figured it out. It changed from 13 to 17. I felt abandoned by a man who had been there my whole life and I didn't know what I had done wrong.”

Did you hear it? Did you hear how she spent years blaming herself for her dad’s withdrawal from her?

We girls do that. In all of our relationships, frankly. Psychologists call this “self referencing.” It’s very different from narcissism even though at first glance it could possibly look the same. This isn’t about thinking that we’re the center of the universe. It’s that we think if you get to the center of our universe then you’ll discover that we’re not worth the pursuit. We often struggle to be okay within ourselves and think it’s a matter of time before you’ll come to the same conclusion.

Here’s what I want to say to those of you who are fathers: I know you don’t always know what to do or where to hug when your daughter’s body starts changing. It’s like your little princess somehow turns into a young maiden overnight and rather than potentially pressing into “the wrong places” by accident, it seems easier to back away. Sometimes you would rather do nothing than do it wrong.

But you can’t do that. As a token female I want to say that when we’re hugging someone, our bodies don’t feel any different in that region than any other part. To say it bluntly, when I’m hugging my dad or a guy friend, my breasts aren’t an erogenous zone.

Listen to what Ken, a former dad in The Abba Project told another dad who was navigating this with one of his daughters:

“You know, if you back off she’s going to internalize it as something being wrong with her.”

Well said, my friend.

Then Mike weighed in:

“I used to wrestle with my daughter and then I stopped for the exact same reason. But since doing this group and seeing how important it is to connect with her, I’ve started wrestling with her again. Guess what I’ve noticed? She’s hugging me more!”

Dad, please don’t pull away when your daughter hits adolescence. She needs you more during those years than ever.

The reality is that when you step back physically you are leaving her open prey for guys to swoop in and fill the void. And since this post is a bit more candid than others I’ve written, I might as well keep it going by saying that the best contraceptive your daughter will ever have is that of you showing her healthy physical affection as she grows older, demonstrating what safe touch feels like in the context of honored boundaries. This will go farther than any lecture you could ever give on boys or safe sex.

Samantha really did end up being a delightful woman once I was open to interacting. And not only did she give me permission to share her story but she wanted me to be sure and let fathers know how much they affect their daughters when they are in that prepubescent stage.

“I know its awkward but she's hasn't noticed yet. Don't be the first one to pull away. You'll regret it forever. Luckily my dad and I had enough time to repair our relationship. I was 20 when he passed. He went from diagnosis to passing in just eight weeks.”

Hearing Samantha’s story highlights a very central truth that I hope every dad hears: you are leaving a lasting legacy in your daughter’s life and she is worth every ounce of investment because she’s your forever deposit.

Show your daughter what real, safe, healthy affection feels like---two strong and loving arms of her dad wrapped around her, communicating with demonstrative action that she is valuable and worthy.

Have you hugged your daughter today?

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The ABC’s of Fathering

Ever since John Gray’s book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, was released twelve years ago many of us been referring to women as “Venusians” and men as “Martians.”  

I realize that guys got the short end of the stick on that label (sorry men!), but regardless of descriptions this book really does sum up the obvious:  men and women are from two different planets.

We don’t think the same. We don’t talk the same. We don’t feel the same. We don’t live the same. Our wiring is different. Our needs are different. Our priorities are different.

This brings to mind something that one of the dads in my group inadvertently said one session. He wasn’t sure of the name of the original book title so in talking about the differences between men and women he said, 

“Women really are from Venus and Men are from…is it Pluto?!”

He didn’t say it to be funny but we all roared with laughter.  I told him I actually like his version better than the original!

I didn’t realize this until later but experts say that the distance between Mars and Venus is anywhere between 35 and 222 million miles while the distance between Venus and Pluto is actually farther than that. The distance between Venus and Pluto is actually three billion miles, which probably more accurately reflects the gap between men and women!  

For a lot of dads who start this journey of intentionally pursuing their daughter’s hearts they think their relationships can’t get any closer.  They’ve resigned themselves to believing that the three billion mile gap is not only normal but is a fact that can’t be changed or altered.  

I talked to a couple of dads just this week who have admitted to blowing it with their daughters.  Each one is now living with relational distance as a result.  They feel they’re going to have to live with it the way it is.

I’m standing here shouting a message of hope to these dads and each of you by saying, 

“Yes, it can be changed…

but YOU are the one who has to move your planet closer to hers.”

In the past five years since starting The Abba Project (the group I lead for dads with daughters between the ages of 13 and 30), I’ve slowly been learning to speak Martian.  I guess you could say that I’m bordering on being bi-lingual!  

One of the main things I’ve learned about speaking Martian is that you men don’t like too many words. You want me to get straight to the point. You want an action plan, and you want solutions that work.

Following that grid, here are three “quick-and-to-the-point” components to being a dialed-in dad, something I like to call “The ABC’s of Fathering.” 

Action.

I’m guessing that every one of you had a favorite superhero growing up.  I’m also guessing that the reason you identified with your particular crime fighter was because he took action.  Could you even imagine an impotent, lethargic, unmotivated, and distracted version of your champion?  Of course not!

It’s the same with fathering.  In order to be your daughter’s superhero, you have to take action to intentionally and consistently pursue her heart.  And by “heart” I am referring to her core self that feels passionate and comes alive when being all of who she was created to be.

You probably already have a handle on what action steps touch your daughter’s heart, but in case you would like an extra idea or two, action ideas include (but are not limited to):  daily affirming her in written or verbal ways, showing up at events she is involved in, patiently holding her emotional reactivity, being present with your attention, listening fully, investing financially, and leading spiritually.

Be the man you want her to marry.

The best way you can ensure that your daughter will marry a quality dude and not a dud is to model the kind of guy you want her to walk down the aisle to. You communicate more about her value and worth by the way you treat her than any lecture you could ever give. Stated otherwise, more is caught than taught. Let her experience in real time what it feels like to be treated like a lady by you, the first man who held her heart and the one guy in the world who doesn’t have a hidden agenda in loving her.

Consistency.

There is a great verse that says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is like a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12). This essentially means that if you make a promise to your daughter, keep it.  And the result of being a promise-keeping, heart-pursuing, truth-speaking, tender-loving, stay-the-course dad is a daughter 

• whose heart will stay open (the opposite of a “sick heart”),
• who will be a vibrant, growing, maturing, life-giving “tree,”
• who will have greater self-confidence, more emotional stability, and succeed in reaching her life goals (all of this is confirmed in the research). 

When your daughter consistently experiences that she can trust you, she will internalize your positive view of her. Your steady, dependable, reliable, and faithful pursuit of her heart will yield dividends that will last long after you’re gone.   She is your forever investment.

And like I say in my book:  The harder the work, the greater the value.  And the harder the work, the greater the reward.  Your daughter is worth the work.  She is your reward.  

So there it is.  A “1-2-3, A-B-C” formula with an action plan that works if you work it.  And there’s no better time than the present to kick these ABC’s into action in order to be the dad you want to be and the dad your daughter needs you to be.  

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Why it's so Hard for Daughters to Heal from Father Wounds: My Guest Blog at More to Life Magazine

"There is a delightfully quirky poet named Shel Silverstein who many of us grew up reading. I am especially fond of his poem called Hinges.

“If we had hinges on our heads there wouldn’t be no sin.

‘Cause we could take the bad stuff out and leave the good stuff in.”

If only there was a neurological delete button or some kind of magical mental scour pad to erase the hurtful messages that so easily play on repeat in our brains. I’d sign up in a heartbeat if something like that existed, wouldn’t you?"

I’ve always been a bit of an intense bumpkin, a “feeler,” I guess you could say. My dad, on the other hand, isn’t wired quite the same. You see, he grew up in an alcoholic home with harsh realities that one would expect to go along with that kind of environment. Living in extreme poverty on the south side of Chicago there were three different last names among the seven kids, which essentially translated to a survival-of-the-fittest way of functioning. My dad developed a strong work ethic at a young age while intentionally putting his mind over matter. There wasn’t time or opportunity for self-pity so after years of conditioning he learned to make the best of things without complaining.

There’s much about his stance that I respect. But there are other parts of it that couldn’t be further from how I live or the way I’m wired. I thrive on talking about the story and the backstory, the truth and the pain and the lies that are embedded in the wounds. In fact, I’m so invested in living like this that I not only function this way in my own personal life, but I do this as a profession.

Let’s press rewind for a minute. At 24 years old I was working as a dental assistant while living at home after college. It was a bit of a dreary time for me but I was trying to love and serve God as best I knew how despite my melancholy vantage point and single-white-female reality while most of my friends were walking down the aisle in white...."

To finishing reading about how I came to understand my own father wound, and how there's healing for all of us who've been wounded by our dads, head to More to Life Magazine today! #daddaugtherfriday

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Trick or Treat: A New Spin on Fathering

Trick or Treat:  A New Spin on Fathering

With today being Halloween I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to weave this theme into my dad-daughter Friday blog.  So here goes!

Dressing up in costumes for Halloween is something I’ve been doing since I was a little girl.  And because costumes were mostly homemade back then, in the 60’s and 70’s, I ended up as a Bohemian girl more years than I can count since it was an easy one to throw together.  Big colorful skirt.  Check.  Scarf covered with plastic coins on head.  Check.  Red Lipstick.  Check.  Black beauty mark on chin.  Check.  And voila…I was ready to head out the door to get my fill of candy.

By contrast, my dad grew up with very little parental involvement, not just on Halloween but the other 364 as well.  Living on the south side of Chicago as one of seven children, he grew up with two significant and defining variables: 1. extreme poverty, and 2. an alcoholic dad.  Among other things, those two realities resulted in him fending for himself much of the time.  

He has shared some of his Halloween memories with me, including those about costumes he created on his own, ranging from a hobo with black charcoal spots under his eyes to that of being a box.  Yes, you heard me right.  As a boy, my dad went as a box for Halloween!  In it he cut holes for his arms and legs and one for his head, then drew buttons on the front. I admit that I laughed uproariously when he first told me that story, but I then I honestly applauded him for his ingenuity as an elementary kid who had to navigate creating a costume all by himself.

This brings me to the topic for today on fathering.  Stated simply: dialed-in dads join into the things that their kids care about; checked-out dads don’t.  

As you just read in these accounts of two parallel generations, both my dad and I made choices for our Halloween outfits based on the level of involvement by our parents.  I imagine you’d say the same thing as you think back on what this day looked like for you as a child. 

When it comes to the kind of fathers that each of us end up with, some of us get the “trick” version and others get the “treat.”  

And because I’m an advocate for fathers and one who seeks to clarify what we daughters need from our dads, I want to organize this concept a bit more so that you hear my support of you if you choose to give your all.  

Here’s what a father looks like who “tricks” his daughter, followed by one who knows how to “treat” her well.  

A dad who “tricks” his daughter will:

• put his needs before hers on a regular basis
• teach her by the way he interacts with her that women are "less than"
• tease her for being emotional, leading her to put walls up as a protective shell
• criticize her mom, leading her to believe that she's going to turn out the same way
• use her for his sexual pleasure and rob her of her innocence
• contribute to the exploitation of women through his engagement with porn
• make her never trust God the Father because she can't trust him as her earthly father

And now, let’s move on to the good news.  Here are a few ways that a dad can positively “treat” his daughter so she internalizes his affirmative view of her. 

A dad who “treats” his daughter well will:

• tell her every day not only that he loves her but why he loves her
• notice the things that have meaning to her and then share in them with her
• provide for her needs

• sometimes buy things for no special reason other than to reinforce her value

• love her mom (and if divorced, only speak positive words or not say anything negative)

• affirm her positive qualities

• gently and lovingly set boundaries and limits as a way to teach her to respect herself and the world around her

• listen twice as much as he talks, knowing that this will let her know she is worthy of being listened to

• pursue her heart by actively spending time with her as a way to really know her

• enjoy the uniqueness of her personality by laughing at what makes her laugh

• build the bridge for her to trust, connect to, and feel positively about God as a Father because he’s been trustworthy, connectable, and invested as a dad.

So Dad, it’s up to you to decide what kind of dad you’ll be.  

You get to choose whether you’ll be a dad who tricks or treats his daughter. I pray that today you will choose to be the best man in her life, one who treats her with dignity and value so she can believe that she is both a treat and a treasure. 

With that spin on this All Hallows Eve, I say, “Bring on the treats!” 

Sometimes I Feel Sorry for God: My Guest Post at EmilyWeirenga.com

I'm thrilled to have been asked to guest post for Emily Weirenga today. Here's a little preview--but be sure to head to her beautiful blog to read the rest!

"If God the Father asked if you’d like him to send Jesus to hang out with you in your living space for a few days, what would you say?  I know I’d say yes in a heartbeat.

 I think having Jesus here might work a bit like a “refresh” button on a computer where everything that’s stuck would get updated so that it would work properly again.

 I think it would help make a sometimes ethereal God feel more tangible and real, don’t you? He would go from being unseen to seen, untouchable to touchable.

 I could even imagine the two of us sitting on cushy chairs in my living room talking for hours about things that are too complex to really understand in theory---like how he makes a baby in just nine months where all the intricate parts somehow miraculously come together.

Place that scenario in your left hand while I invite you to hold another in your right..."

Click here to finish reading!

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Sugar and Spice: The Secret to Fathering Two Very Different Kinds of Daughters

I had the most delightfully random encounter this past weekend. I met a woman whose vim and vigor were contagious and our interaction ended up inspiring me to look at things through a different lens.

Here’s the story. I was sitting at a table outside a grocery store in Central Oregon soaking up the last bit of sunshine at the tail end of our Indian summer when the smell of barbecue began to waft my way. Before I knew it I was in conversation with a local culinary expert who clearly expressed her enjoyment of awakening the palates of regulars and strangers alike.

Soon I discovered that Kelly (a.k.a. the “BBQ Queen” as her name tag aptly stated) has been barbecuing at this one place for 19 years. I can confidently say that I have never in my life met anyone who has been so passionately invested in and excited about barbecue…EVER. All I can say is that her enthusiasm definitely rubbed off on me!

That’s all it took for her to open up and divulge some of her tasty secrets. “The way to get the best barbecue is to have equal parts of brown sugar and vinegar. Most people get it wrong with too much of one or too much of the other.  It’s got to be 50% sweet and 50% tangy. That’s all there is to it!”  

And with that, she was off.

Silly as it may sound, I have been chewing on her words all week. But my thoughts haven’t been about spare ribs or tri-tip. They’ve been about fathers and daughters.

I wonder if the same principle for good barbecue could apply to personality types in girls. I don’t quite know how it all breaks down but I tend to think there’s an even 50-50 split between the “sweet” ones and the “tangy” ones.  

Both are necessary to make our world function and thrive, and neither is better than the other. Just different. Complimentary opposites, I guess you could say.  

This leads me to ask the question:  Do fathers validate their “sweet” daughters as much as their “tangy” ones?

As a “tangy” daughter I can tell you that I often wished I was sweeter and kinder, more mellow and less reactive, more go-with-the-flow and pleasant. But the reality is that I popped out like this. Lots of zest and panache (which is a fancy way of saying drama and opinions)! Sometimes it’s been a good thing and sometimes it’s been a bit much…both for me and for my dad.

All of this pondering about girls and individual temperaments brings to mind a nursery rhyme I heard a lot growing up in the 60’s:

Sugar and spice and everything nice,

that’s what little girls are made of.

Snips and snails and puppy dog tales,

that’s what little boys are made of.

Though at the time this little jingle seemed cute and harmless, I realize now that it subtly planted seeds about what it meant to be a “nice little girl.” Add in the fact that positive responses from the general public seem to cater more to the “surgery” types than to those with a bit more “spice” and I can say that it left me often not knowing how to understand myself, let alone like myself.

So if we use the barbecue theory as a working template on fathering daughters, it means that 50% of you are raising “sweet” girls while the other 50% are rearing “tangy” ones.  And because your daughters see themselves in the reflection of you as their mirror it is vitally important that you let each of them know that both sugar and spice are what balances out life and makes the world go round.

Dad, your daughter will believe what you tell her about herself (and what you imply without words). If you have a “sweet” daughter you most likely find her easy to lead, and you enjoy her delightful qualities. That’s all well and good. It’s beautiful and wonderful.

But especially for those of you who father a more “spicy” female, make sure to validate and encourage her uniqueness, one with zip and pizzazz, letting her know that she truly does distinctively enhance the atmosphere around her (even if at times she pushes every button in you).

Let your daughter know that there are famous complimentary opposites everywhere you look. Help her understand that both have a place in the universe and both have equal value:

salt and pepper

sun and moon

fear and courage

cookies and milk

Dad, why not use all of this data as a launching pad for inspiration to intentionally speak positive, affirming words into your “sweet” and your “tangy” daughters every day for the next seven days.

Let each one know that her unique combination of savory flavors enhance your life in ways that make her one-of-a-kind blend just the “taste” you love. Text her right now and tell her!

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