5 Ways to Prepare Yourself for Reconciliation with Your Estranged Daughter

With the holidays officially upon us, I know there are many of you dads who are struggling to claim this as “the happiest time of the year.” The reason? Distance from your daughter (and/or son).

The reality is that I receive more emails from dads around the country asking about what to do to connect with their estranged daughters than I do anything else…by a long shot. And I want to see that sad reality change through empowering dads to do whatever it takes to make amends and pursue healing at any cost to themselves.

Now I realize that there’s always more to a story than merely what I hear, but my encouragement to these men—and to you ---continues to include validation, coupled with suggestions for action.

But first, a story to encourage you.

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My friend and former NFL quarterback, Ed Tandy McGlasson, founded an incredible organization called Blessing of the Father Ministries. Ed is one of the most passionate people I know when it comes to understanding the power of a father’s blessing, which leads  him to enthusiastically speak words of life into men and women everywhere by affirming how much they are loved by God as their Father.

One of the most powerful stories he tells is of a dad who hadn’t seen his daughter in over twenty years, since she was thirteen years old, and every time he reached out to her, there was no response. Desperate for direction, he met with Ed, who suggested that he waste no time in writing these exact words to his estranged daughter:

Help me understand how much I hurt you when I divorced your mom.

That’s all it took for his daughter to quickly respond. He didn’t defend or explain. He listened. And their relationship was restored.

---

Perhaps these are the words you need to say to your daughter in this season: “Help me understand how much I hurt you when I . . .”

On the other hand, Dad, sometimes your first move will require what could look like apparent inaction. Stated otherwise, by not moving, you’re moving. Let me explain. If your daughter isn’t ready to talk to you right now, you must honor her boundaries and wait until she gives you the green light.

Outwardly, this may look like you’re doing nothing, but in reality this allows you to prepare yourself for when she’s ready to communicate with you.

That said, I want to share some ideas that you can put into practice to prepare YOURSELF for the day your daughter will hopefully be ready to re-engage with you.

And if your daughter is open to having a conversation with you--whether in person or via email/text or over the phone--feel free to use the information below to guide you. (For more specifics, you can refer to my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters).

Here are some keys to preparing your heart for reconciliation with your estranged daughter:

1. Pray for restoration.
   I understand that at times our prayers may feel like they’re hitting the ceiling. But it’s important to remember that your prayers are being heard by your Heavenly Father who says if we call on him he will answer us and tell us great and unsearchable things that we don’t know (Jeremiah 33:3). Ask Him to move in ways that only a true Father can. Write out prayer requests and date them so you can see how God answers as you stay the course with believing prayer.

2.  Own your part…with humility.
   Sometimes it can be hard to see the log in our own eye while instead focusing on the splinter in someone else’s (Matthew 7:5). And when there has been hurt between a dad and daughter, such that the bridge between them is weakened or bombed out completely, as her father, it’s vital that you search your own heart before God and be willing to admit your fault. As you assess yourself honestly (even asking others for input), it will set the foundation of humility and openness for the time when your relationship is restored.

3. Don’t take her rejection personally.
   If the distance between you and your daughter has little or nothing to do with you (a.k.a. a divorce or tragedy beyond your control that led to the estrangement), then seek to stand strong in the truth that she needs space to work this out in her way and in her time. There’s nothing you can do to rush that process along. Patience is key.

4. Look with open and eager anticipation.
   One of my favorite Bible stories is in Luke 15, a parable Jesus tells about his Father. He shares five ways that the earthly dad in this story re-engages with his estranged son, thus providing a road map for dads who are in a similar situation. This father saw his child (which means he was consistently looking for him), was filled with compassion, ran toward him, threw his arms around him, and kissed him. That is the necessary stance for a dad with an estranged daughter, as modeled by the ultimate Dad, our Heavenly Father.

5. Buy a journal and write to her in it. (This one is my favorite!)
   Because you will date each entry, it will serve as a time capsule where you’ll be recording your thoughts and memories about her, dreams for her future, words of encouragement, prayers for her, positive and loving affirmations, things you wish you could tell her if she were here, etc. This is more for you than for her because it will keep hope alive as you write things down. Then when the time is right (which could be a long ways down the road possibly), you’ll have it as a gift to give her that will let her know that she was never far from your heart even when there was distance. It will prove to her the power of your love was solid even when she may have believed otherwise.

As noted from Luke 15, do not lose heart even while your daughter is away and distanced, possibly making choices that grieve you.

Do what God as a good Father does by staying open to her in your heart, looking forward for her return (no matter how long it takes) while believing that she needs your prayers for healing in her own life, whether or not she’s ready to engage with you now.

And in the meantime, I encourage you to do your own work. But this I mean to take steps to vulnerably tell your story and be willing to “look at your own stuff,” followed with receiving input and support from trusted friends or a counselor. This will set the foundation for a healthier relationship with your daughter when she returns because you’ll better understand yourself and have more tools in your emotional toolbox.

These five action steps above will set a foundation of hope as you take proactive steps forward. I pray your Thanksgiving and Christmas season will be a time of renewal, even in the hard spaces, as you celebrate the King who came to earth to give us the promise of heaven beyond today.

26 Ways to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy—from A to M [Part 1]

As you read the title of my blog, at first glance it might sound like a strange title coming from a Licensed Professional Counselor with a PhD in Psychology who’s been in private practice for almost 30 years! Are you wondering why I would suggest keeping your daughter OUT of therapy when my livelihood is based on people being IN therapy?!

Now that I have your attention, let me explain.

My goal today is to inform you about your influence as a GirlDad when it comes to investing in your daughter’s mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health, which research states is something you can contribute to…or contaminate.

As you know, in relationships we either make deposits or withdrawals into the “bank accounts” of those in our relational sphere. And your deposits and withdrawals have a HUGE impact on your daughter’s mental and emotional health. So if you want to keep your daughter out of therapy, you’ll need to make MORE DEPOSITS AND LESS WITHDRAWALS.

This isn’t saying you need to be perfect. Quite the contrary. This is about doing REPAIR after there’s been RUPTURE. And I have more good news. Your daughter will be healthier, stronger and more resilient as you consistently and intentionally invest in her with repetitions that confirm she can rely on you. All of this is essentially the definition of secure attachment.

The more your daughter is secure in experiencing you as supportive and loving, the more she will internalize your strength, love, and validation. And that security will build an internal positive base in her to last a lifetime.

This is how she’ll experience LESS depression, anxiety, body dissatisfaction, eating disorders, and unhealthy relationships.…and MORE confidence, academic and career success, and resilience, etc.

To make this list of 26 proactive strategies easier to remember, here’s my list from A to Z (which seems fitting since it’s back-to-school time, don’t you think?!). Today I’ll share the first 13, and in two weeks I’ll give you the final 13. This gives you two weeks to put these first 13 into action!

Admit when you’re wrong. This is a great starting point as a GirlDad. “Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God and He will exalt you in due time.” (I Peter 5:6) Enough said!

Build her confidence with true praise and affirmation. Every positive word you say and every positive thing you do is an installment in the foundation of your daughter’s identity.

Criticize never. You can correct her and address issues that need input or course correction, but never do it in a condescending or critical way that diminishes who she is. Make sure you never engage in name calling, belittling, shaming or condemning her. Address the behavior, not her identity.

Drop your anger. Your anger will do more to discourage and destroy your daughter than anything else. So make a proactive decision today to never respond in anger. Instead, walk away and then come back once you’ve cooled down. I appreciate what one dad recently told me, “I’ve always tried to control my anger, but it hasn’t worked. I’m now finally getting it and I’m hearing you. I need to make a decision to drop my anger, not just try to control it.”

Expect more of yourself than of your daughter. Be an example, remembering that your actions speaker louder than your words. Sometimes it’s easy to forget what it was like at her age so set your expectations realistically according to her stage of development, personality, birth order, wiring, gifts, and limitations.

Forgive easily and quickly. Model to your daughter what it looks like to be human as you’re willing to forgive after you’ve been hurt or disrespected, without retaliation. This is especially important if there’s been divorce. After naming the injury, choose to let go of the hurt. God forgave you so you can forgive her…and others.

Guidance. If you’re going to give input to your daughter, you have to get close enough to her heart for her to trust what you say. Remember the 5:1 Love Bank principle where you want to make 5 relational deposits to 1 withdrawal, which results in a higher likelihood that your daughter will listen to and follow your input.

Hug her often. Safe and respectful physical touch from a dad to his daughter is internalized in a way that lets her know you value and love her.

Initiate regular dates with her. This is intentional time where you pursue her heart by spending one-on-one time just with her. Tell her what you enjoy about her and ensure that she knows how much you treasure her.

Jesus. When Jesus met people at the point of their need, he led with love, truth, and grace. Hard as that may be to follow His lead, you can rest in knowing He’s walking with you. He said, “Apart from Me, you can do nothing.” (John 15:5). So it makes your job easier when you let Jesus give your daughter something through you that you can’t give in your own strength. This is when the supernatural supersedes the natural.

Knowledge. Be curious and interested in knowing about your daughter’s world…her friends, classes, favorite music, food preferences, jobs, dreams, struggles, hopes, faith, family relationships, interests, hobbies, etc. Make a commitment to learn more about her world by paying more attention to the little things, meeting her friends, asking questions, etc.

Listen more. The best way to know your daughter is to ask great questions, followed with intentional listening without interrupting. This is hard work because it means you have to slow down without formulating an immediate response. It’s the whole “two-ears-one-mouth” principle where you listen twice as much as you talk. I guarantee she’ll feel your love and will open up more if you practice honing your listening skills.

Momentum. This is about consistency and rhythms through the up’s and down’s of life. It’s about not letting relational setbacks deter your focus on the goal of contending for health and wholeness in your relationship. This is about looking at the big picture by faith, without being discouraged when one decision or action or interaction seems like it’s moving in the opposite direction.

So there it is…the first 13 ways [of 26] to keep your daughter out of therapy by strengthening your skill set as her dad.

The truth is that I want to see a generation of healthier women rise up who are living out of their core strength rather than from a place of weaknesses, injuries, and wounds. So anything you can do, Dad, to offset your daughter having unnecessary wounds from you while connecting more positively with you, the better for her, the better for our society…and the better for you!

[If you’d like to listen to a recording of where I talk about this in more detail on The Dad Whisperer Podcast, here’s the link: “How to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy."

The COST of Being Right: Burning Bridges With Your Daughter

I love it when a father takes time out of his day to write in response to something I’ve written. And because those messages touch me deeply, I’m careful to take the time to respond in a way that lets each one know I care about his situation.

A recurring theme I hear in these emails is that of dads who are estranged from their daughters telling me they are a bit lost when it comes to figuring out what to do next. Their hearts are often breaking and they don’t know where to turn. I can truly say that it is an honor to be trusted with their stories.

Serving to illustrate the pain inside a father’s heart, here is what one dad wrote me:

Why is it hard for my daughter to want me in her life? I ache in my heart and feel a part of my life is missing. My sister and daughter are very close and she says I need to release her to God's providence. I can't imagine my life without her. I need some wisdom. Thank you.

What would you write back to him if you were me? I have to ask myself if I could ever write something that might come anywhere close to matching the intensity of his pain. I think not.

I often feel that any response I give will either be a disservice to the complexity of his situation or might negate the backstory of his daughter’s decision to distance herself from her father, whether for a season or indefinitely. 

One of my close friends went through this kind of agonizing distance with his daughter for many years. I’m happy to report that there has now been restoration and healing. I realize that’s not how every story ends, but at the same time, his situation might give you hope.

For three years he had very little contact with his daughter, which led me to ask him to share more about the real underside of this kind of heartache from a dad’s perspective. With his permission, he vulnerably lets us into his process

Michelle: Have you understood her reasons for distancing from you or is that still a puzzle?

Dad: Yes kind of. She has a lot of anxiety and I cause her to be nervous. I was the “justice” parent and she hates to displease me. Her perception is that she displeased me a lot as a child – that was not my perception. She was the apple of my eye. When she was 12 she began distancing herself from me. I thought it was normal teen angst – but I realize now that it was much deeper than that.

Michelle: What has been the hardest part of her being gone?

Dad: I miss her terribly. It’s very frustrating not knowing what’s going on in her life and I want to help her but I can’t because I don’t know what’s happening.

Michelle: Is there anything you can share about what your thought process has been like in understanding/coming to terms with/being honest about the role you’ve played in her leaving home and not wanting contact with you?

Dad: I didn’t realize how sensitive she was to even the slightest negative comment. I’m not a screamer – and I’m much more encouraging than my dad was to me. So I figured I was doing okay. I tried to say three times as many encouraging things as corrective things. But still her anxiety has made it really hard for her to hear anything but condemnation.

Michelle: What would you tell other dads whose hearts are breaking as a result of their daughter closing the door and rejecting them? How do you really deal with it when you literally are helpless to reach her, change her mind or draw her back?

Dad: You have to get to the point where it’s not about you. At first I used to think, “That little brat. She’s so ungrateful.” I thought about retaliating – to teach her a lesson. “If things get really bad for her then she’ll finally appreciate me.” This is the stupid dialogue that went on in my head. But over time my anger cooled and I began to see the bigger picture. It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship. So I gave up my right to be right and waited patiently for her to communicate with me. That started again a couple of months later.

What powerful and healing words: “It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship.”

This dad came to terms with the fact that his daughter’s heart mattered more than his own hurt. And similarly, if this is where you’re at with your daughter, you must take a surrendered stance like my friend.

And this position of humility has to start with you, Dad.

I’ve spoken with many dads who admit they’ve had a significant role in destroying the bridge between themselves and their daughters. I want you to hear that I’m not standing in judgment of you for the past, but I am challenging you to take the initiative and do whatever you need to do on your end to begin moving towards make amends today.

If you’ve read my blogs or my book, you’ll recall me saying that men would rather do nothing than do it wrong. This applies to making amends too. Perhaps you’ve held off crossing the bridge to her heart because you think too much time has passed or she’ll never talk to you again because of an offense. This is where you’ll have to be wise moving forward. I’d suggest starting with a letter if she’s not okay with seeing you or doesn’t feel safe with you. Or perhaps texting--without expectation of response--is all she can handle right now.

But no matter the path you choose (or are forced to choose if she has closed the door), you’ll have to honor her boundaries and track with her level of comfort in the potential rebuilding process.

And never underestimate the power of prayer. She may not be okay with you talking to her today or tomorrow, but you can always talk to God today and tomorrow. Write out a list of things you will commit to praying for daily until you have answers from Abba Father God. Ask for miracles so that your daughter’s heart (and yours) can heal.

Another key piece of the rebuilding process (if this is where you’re at with your daughter) is to lay your weapons down. You can’t approach her with defensiveness or in “attack mode” if you want to repair the bridge.

If you care more about her hurt and her heart than you do about your position and being right, here are some guidelines for rebuilding the bridge to her heart:

1. Ask questions with a sincere desire to know the answer.
“I know I hurt you with my words. When you came to me I didn’t listen well. You were right about that piece. I want to listen now. Can you please tell me again what you need?”

2. Ask forgiveness for specifics, not generalities.
“Last night I was tired after work and took it out on you. I saw the look of hurt in your eyes when I got angry, yet I chose not to meet you in the way you needed me to. Will you please forgive me?”

3. Never mix amends with criticism (subtle or direct).
(This is an example of what NOT to say) “I know I was harsh, but so were you. If you want to tell me now what you were saying last night, I will try to listen. But you need to meet me half way and not be as emotional this time around.”

I’m sure it goes without saying that this last tactic will bomb. The key is to picture her heart in yours and proceed with caution.

Sometimes, depending on the severity of the offense from a dad to his daughter (sexual, verbal, physical, or spiritual abuse, for example), you may have to live with the bridge the way it is for now or perhaps forever. What I do know is that any demands on your part will backfire, especially if there has ever been any misuse of power between you.

It’s your daughter who will set the rebuilding pace. And if she’s got the “stop sign” on her life and heart held up toward you, your best options are to:

• Do your own work. Find a mentor, pastor, or counselor to help you work through all that is being activated and stirred up in you. 


• Pray for her and for yourself; be specific. 


• Write a letter to her (that you may or may not give her) that lets you connect with your heart. 


Before we close, here is some of what I wrote back to the hurting father I told you about at the start of this blog. And in case you’re a dad today who is in a similar situation with your daughter, maybe this plan will creatively mobilize you to action as well:

One idea for you during this time of estrangement from your daughter is to buy a journal and write letters to her in it. You may or may not ever give it to her, but either way it can be a place to express the desires of your heart to her—wishes, dreams, ideas, prayers, truths of who she is as you see her and God sees her, verses you pray for her, and random or silly things that you wish you could say to her. This book will serve as a time capsule of sorts should you choose to give her the journal sometime down the road.

Whether you’re a dad who needs to rebuild the bridge to his daughter’s heart or you’re actually building the bridge in a proactive way right now and things are good between the two of you, I’d suggest doing this journal idea. I cannot imagine a daughter alive who wouldn’t treasure a gift like this from her father. You could write in it once a week for a year and then present it to her on her next birthday or on Father’s Day as a surprise to switch it up and let her know how much you love being her dad.

No matter the method, no matter the cost, I trust you’ll choose today to invest your time and energy to become an expert bridge-builder to your daughter’s heart.

The Transformative 4-Word Question to Ask Your Daughter

Three years ago I came across an incredible book written by Psychiatrist Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey titled, What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience and Healing.

This book has been powerfully impactful in my clinical work as a trauma-informed therapist. Let me tell you why.

In most of my psychological graduate training (which was 7 years!), I was taught to diagnose and then implement the best treatment modalities to move people forward toward health and healing. In essence, the underlying (often unconscious) question we’ve been taught to ask is: “What’s wrong with you?” This drives us then to formulate treatment plans based on specific issues, resulting in optimum therapeutic interventions.

By way of contrast, Dr. Perry comes along and has turned everything upside down (in the best of ways!). He says this is the wrong question to ask when we approach people. The reason is that it not only begins with an underlying negative assumption of something being wrong with the other person, but it also narrows our focus on the problem rather than exploring what’s underneath a response.

Dr. Perry began to notice a significant positive shift in his work when he began approaching his patients, namely children, with an entirely different question. When he asked: “What happened to you?,” he essentially became:

• more curious and less critical

• more open and less oppositional (even if unintentionally)

• more inquisitive and less interrogating

• more helpful and less hindering

Now you may be wondering why I’m telling you, a GirlDad, about a book on trauma and the brain, trauma and resilience, especially when it comes to your relationship with your daughter. Let me tell you why.

If you approach your daughter with a desire to hear more of her story without an already-formed conclusion, she’ll feel the positive shift in you. She’ll be more willing to be vulnerable because she’ll feel your interest in more than just the problem and that you care about her.

You’ll connect with her heart in profound ways by simply shifting the underlying question you’re asking to: What happened to you?

• Then you’ll wonder why she overreacted as you wait to respond or react.

• You’ll approach her with warmth and grounded strength.

• You’ll begin the interaction with gentleness, not anger.

• You’ll be more willing to hear the story before giving a consequence.

• You’ll stay open to listening first before lecturing or correcting.

• You’ll assume something else is going on that she hasn’t told you.

Before I wrap up, here are six key takeaways as an overview of Dr. Perry’s work to support your goal to be a more dialed-in GirlDad:

1. The Power of Connection: Dr. Perry emphasizes the importance of positive, nurturing relationships in a child's life. As a dad, your ability to connect with your daughter on an emotional level is vital. Spend quality time together, listen actively to her thoughts and feelings, and create a safe space where she can express herself without fear of judgment.

2. Understanding Behavior: Children often communicate their needs and emotions through behavior. Instead of reacting to your daughter’s challenging behaviors, strive to understand what might be driving her. Is there an underlying fear, insecurity, or unmet need? Your patience and empathy can help her feel understood and supported.

3. Healing Through Presence: Your presence matters more than you might realize. Being consistently available and responsive builds a sense of security and trust in your daughter. Whether she's sharing her achievements or confiding in you during difficult times, your unwavering support can foster resilience and emotional well-being.

4. Recognizing the Impact of Adversity: Even if your daughter hasn't experienced severe trauma, everyday challenges can affect her development. Peer pressure, academic stress, and even the impact of societal expectations can shape her self-perception and outlook on life. By acknowledging these influences, you can offer guidance and encouragement as she navigates these realities.

5. Embracing Vulnerability: As fathers, you often feel pressure to be strong and stoic. However, showing vulnerability—sharing your own challenges and emotions—can deepen your bond with your daughter. It teaches her that vulnerability is a natural part of being human and encourages open communication.

6. Cultivating Resilience: Resilience isn't just about bouncing back from adversity; it's about growing stronger through life's challenges. Encourage your daughter to develop coping skills, problem-solving abilities, and a positive mindset. Your belief in her capabilities will empower her to face obstacles with courage and determination.

By seeking to understand your daughter's experiences and then responding with compassion and love, you can help her strengthen her resilience while you also grow in the process.

Dr. Bruce Perry reminds us that our actions, words, and presence have a lasting impact on our relationships. So Dad, remember to ask not just "What's wrong with you?" but to use a kind tone of voice as you ask her: "Honey, what happened to you today?"

When Dad Became Human (Guest Blog by Emily Wierenga)

Today’s blog is written by a friend who has had a complicated relationship with her dad.
I first met Emily at an eating disorders conference when she and her brave father sat side by side on the platform and told their story.
Here she gives us an inside look into her longings as a daughter and how healing has come to her heart and life.
She models that relationships between dads and daughters are a work in progress.
This is an excerpt from her new memoir, God Who Became Bread: A True Story of Starving, Feasting, and Feeding Others.
~Michelle

He used to carry me. My father with the scratchy beard and the loud laugh, the kind that threw his head way back

He would carry me as he walked barefoot in Africa.
I would feel his heartbeat through his sweaty t-shirt.

We would visit the blind together and he would teach the men how to farm and then he would carry me home.

Soon I toddled after him on short legs in a bunchy diaper. I learned to walk in my father’s footsteps.

I chewed on sugar cane and watched him dig up the red soil.
Then my little hands would help him plant the seeds.
We gardened in the mornings and rested in the afternoons. An African siesta.

But when we moved back to Canada Dad became a distant thing, a man lost in becoming a pastor. Gone was the rugged missionary in bare feet. He spent months getting his doctorate and working in a skim milk factory to pay our bills. And then, when he finally donned the ministerial collar, we lost him to sermon-writing or to board meetings or to visiting people in the hospital.

I longed for the days of mango juice dripping down my chin and toddling happily after my dad in the warm clay dirt. I longed for my father’s head to throw back again in a great laugh.

Sometimes, after I’d had my bath, I would wait for Dad to come home.
I would sit on the stairs of the manse, in my nightgown, waiting.

He would come, but he wouldn’t see me, resting on the stairs. And he would slip into his office and I would cry myself to sleep.

Eventually I stopped waiting, and I stopped eating.

I didn’t know whose footsteps to follow anymore.

I’d lost my way.

For years God had looked like my dad to me and now, my dad was human, and God was faceless.

Yet into this loneliness stepped Abba.

I was thirteen and dying from anorexia nervosa. Nurses said I was a miracle at sixty pounds and five foot nine and when I heard that, I finally heard the voice of my heavenly father wooing me in the desert-place.

Abba had been waiting for me, this whole time. I just hadn’t seen Him. He began to spoon-feed me a love I’d been starving for. And He carried me so close I could feel His heartbeat.

Soon I began to toddle slowly after Him, following in my Father’s footsteps. I was barefoot on holy ground.

He taught me about good soil, taught me how to plant the seeds of the gospel. Together we visited the blind and helped them to see. Then we rested on the seventh day. A divine siesta.

His is the loudest laugh and it fills me so full, I’ll never go hungry again.

[If you want to read more of Emily’s new memoir, God Who Became Bread, you can order it HERE on Amazon.

Dads…her book would be a great gift for your daughter as she would be invited into real vulnerability as Emily gives hope to those who are in hard places.]

What It Looks Like for a Dad To Make Amends: A Real Life Dad-Daughter Story

There wasn’t a dry eye in the room.

As they sat side by side on the platform in front of a packed auditorium, their raw emotion was palatable, expressed visibly as each of them told their story through their tears. We all sat there mesmerized, with an awareness that we were being invited into one of the most honest interactions we’d ever witnessed between a dad and his adult daughter.

She went first. “Affirmation…my dad never gave it and still never does. I think that is why I’m never sure I matter. He is available in a variety of ways---there if I want to talk, etc. but not affirming. I can’t even explain the hole I’ve felt in my heart at his lack of affirmation. For many years, I didn’t even realize that hole was there. And once I did, I first ignored it and told myself I didn’t care. But eventually it hurt too much to ignore.”

As my friend Constance spoke---a married wife with three children, an author, accomplished musician and national leader---it was as if we heard a ten-year old girl in touch with the longings of her heart. She had wished for her daddy to notice her, to tell her she was beautiful in his eyes, and to let her know that he had time for her.  

Looking directly at her father there on the platform, Constance kept the dialogue going and asked: “Dad, how did it make you feel to hear me share our struggles publicly just now?”

With script in hand, Dan read his carefully prepared response to his daughter’s query:

“I was saddened to realize how much you craved my approval and affirmation and I was oblivious to your need. I’m here today because I love you and you asked me to come. You have asked me before to attend your events and I’ve always had a reason not to attend. I recognize mistakes I’ve made in the past and am thankful for the opportunity to make better decisions now. You are important to me and I want to affirm you.”

Dan could hardly get through that part without fighting back tears. As you can imagine, his daughter was right there with him, feeling every word of his heartfelt emotion. He continued:

“I hope that our strengthened relationship will give hope to those in attendance who may be dealing with similar issues with their parents. I also want to bring this to the attention of parents with adult or soon-to-be-adult children so they’ll know that down deep at some level your children still need your approval, your acceptance, your affirmation, and your love. It may not seem like it, but they do.”

By this time we were all on the edge of our seats, feeling their emotion right along with them. Dan kept speaking:

“In my mind I thought I was affirming my daughter with my occasional compliments, so with regret I now realize it was not enough to satisfy her need. I was aware that Constance was not happy with me and I honestly didn’t know why. I didn’t realize the depth of her hurt and bitterness. And I will admit that I was raised without much affirmation from my parents and succumbed to the same malady. But I can now be painfully honest; I needed to learn to respect my adult children and not just give them unwanted criticism. There is a time parents have to begin to deal with their children on a respect basis; like many, I was late in recognizing this. But I have now!”

It was so refreshing to hear a dad---and a pastor, no less---honestly admit his failures as a father to his adult daughter out in the open, in front of strangers. There wasn’t defensiveness or mudslinging in an attempt to explain or qualify his actions.

Instead, his honesty and tender willingness to understand how he had hurt his daughter was part of the process that allowed her to continue releasing the hurts that she had carried for so many years.

Constance responded:

“Even though I was really angry at my dad, for some reason there was also a part of me that wanted to hope for something more. I think it was God in me. He gave me eyes to see my dad in a new light. Through conversations I saw more of the pain and rejection he had carried as a little boy, and also as a father and husband. I also realized that he was actually genuinely ignorant of my need for his affirmation. The more I looked at him through eyes of compassion for his brokenness, the easier it was to believe things could be better.

But the biggest boost to our relationship was that he WANTED to change. He was in a season of having retired from work and was looking at his life in new ways and asking God to change him. And that is what I have seen the most these past few years---my dad is ACTIVELY choosing to look at the parts of himself that are not loving, and is open to change.”

Can you hear the softness in her voice that was evident now in the telling of her story?

“This has changed not only our relationship, but my relationship with myself. Somehow, knowing that my dad is proud of me has diminished my need to have others be proud of me too. And the more I know that and can rest in his love for me, the better and better our relationship gets.”

Do you notice how many times each of them used the word hope?

I underscore the hope their story brings in highlighting that it’s never too late for a dad and daughter to mend their relationship. Here is a woman disclosing that it took her until her late 30’s to begin peeling back the layers of her father wounds and voids. But the other amazing reality is that she has a dad who was willing to meet her in that process by also looking at himself and owning his part of the whole.

I want to give Dan the last word with the hope that his words will touch your heart as a dad so that like him, you’ll be willing to look within yourself in order to pursue a more vibrant and positive relationship with your daughter:

“Looking back, I can remember the clues she was sending, but at the time I was clueless. It is never too late, and yes, I am committed to continuously changing to confirm to God’s will for me as a father. The great thing about God is He wants to restore broken relationships and if we will cooperate with Him, He will change us if we will pray for those we have hurt or been hurt by. Then God will begin a work of restoration in them.

…With God all things are possible.”

Well said, Dan.

And what courage he displayed with his humble willingness to be honest about his shortcomings as a father, coupled with publicly modeling what it looks like for a dad to actively turn his heart toward his grown daughter.

Their story gives us all great hope that we’re never too old to change, to take responsibility, to humble ourselves, make amends, and activate healing…whether a dad or an adult daughter.

Dad, It Doesn't Have to be Win or Lose: How to Win Your Daughter's Heart

I’ll always remember the day when Steve and I were talking about his then 13-year old daughter Maddie and how much he was invested in learning how to relate better to her as she was maturing and changing. It was during our conversation that the following words rolled effortlessly off his tongue:

“I know it’s more important that I win her heart than win an argument.”

Does that hit you like it did me?!

I’d never before considered that it’s one or the other. It’s a win-lose proposition: Either the argument is won and her heart is lost…or her heart is won and the argument is lost (a.k.a. Dad is aware that it’s more important for him to “lose the argument” because in the big scheme of things, it matters more that he connect with his daughter’s heart).

In other words, there’s no way to have it both ways (win the argument and win her heart) because these two competing realities lead to very different outcomes.

If you as a GirlDad are invested in:

• exercising your parental authority at all costs

• being right no matter what

• coming out as the “winner”

• being unwilling to hear her side of the story, the result will be conflict, distance, and heartache.

But if you care more about:

• humbling yourself to listen to her side of the story

• seeking to understand her (even if she doesn’t make sense to you)

• validating her emotions

• leading by example with love and respect, the result will be bonding, harmony, and connection.

As I’ve watched Steve and Maddie navigate their relationship over the years---from middle school through high school, onto college and now into her young adult years---I’ve seen this dialed-in Dad humbly stay the course in pursuing his daughter’s heart. And especially during the topsy-turvy, unpredictable road between independence and dependence, freedom and boundaries, rules and responsibilities, distance and connection, he never stopped letting her know that his love was (and is, plus always will be) unconditional.

I still recall my response to Steve when we first talked about the power of a dad pursuing---and winning---his daughter’s heart:

“If every dad in America understood this concept it would literally change the trajectory of relationships between dads and their daughters because fathers wouldn’t pull ‘the power card’ but would instead seek to understand their daughter’s heart needs in a proactive way.”

Dad, as you think beyond the present moment with your daughter, especially those that are challenging, make it your goal to validate her core worth and value at every turn, even when you disagree or struggle to support her decisions.

Let her know she has a purpose and you’ll support her while she grows in learning to stand with confidence as she makes a positive impact in the world.

Then speak life-breathing words of truth into the woman you want her to become.

I’m grateful for dads like Steve who truly understand that winning an argument lasts only minutes while winning your daughter’s heart lasts a lifetime.

6 BOLD Ideas to BUILD Your Dad-Daughter BOND

With the new school year underway, this is a perfect time for you as a dad to join in adopting a growth mindset to strengthen and build the bond you have with your daughter. This translates to making a commitment over the next nine months of this school year to grow and learn even more when it comes to “studying” your daughter. 

Here are SIX BOLD strategies that will have A BIG impact on your relationship with your daughter this next year:

1. Regularly check in and ask if you've hurt her heart

I love the story of a father in Southern Oregon who asks his five-year old daughter one question every night as he tucks her in bed, "Has daddy been sharp with you today?" Talk about bold and brave! He’s keeping short accounts with his girl while making sure that he’s not allowing wounds to fester. 

What would it take for you to ask that bold question every day of your daughter? 

Preferably in person, but texting or emailing works as an option. This means you're keeping short accounts with her and not letting hurt or resentment build. This means you’re modeling humility and openness when receiving honest feedback. Your lack of defensiveness will yield powerful dividends both now and into the future as you show your daughter that you don't have to be perfect to be in relationship. 

2. Affirm her once a day

I promise you there’s not a day that goes by where your daughter isn’t hurt by someone, somewhere, somehow. It’s just the way it is with girls. And because we as women thrive when our relationships are in harmony, this means when hurts cumulate, they have a toxic, destructive influence. With your daughter, this will undermine her confidence, calling, gifts, perspective, mood, etc.

So imagine the power that one positive, life-breathing, affirming message from you can have. It can turn her whole day around for the better. It’ll only take about one minute of your time to text her. But why not change it up sometimes and tell her in person one positive trait or character quality or beautiful aspect to who she is. And for extra credit, send her a card in your own handwriting (or if she’s still at home, put it somewhere unexpected where she’ll be surprised when she finds it!) to give her something to read and reread. She’ll treasure it on an especially hard day.

3. Listen twice as much as you talk

This is the whole "God gave us two ears and one mouth" thing as a reminder that it's a good rule of thumb to guide the ratio of talking to listening in our relationships…2:1. 

Do you mostly tell your daughter what you think and expect or do you draw her out to find out why she had the reaction she did, what hurts her heart, how she’s processing complex relational dynamics, questions she has that may not make sense to you, etc.? 

I'll be the first to admit that it's REALLY hard work to actively listen (and I do this for a living!). It's so much easier to formulate my opinion, defense or position rather than REALLY hearing first what the other person has to say…in its entirety. 

As a dad, if you take the time to ask your daughter questions like, "What was the best part of your day and why?" and "What was the worst part of your day and why?," and then listen until you think you can't listen any more, your daughter will trust you with the deepest things in her heart because you set the foundation by listening. 

4. Put your money where your mouth is

To state the obvious, it costs a lot to raise a child these days. It seems like every time you turn around, there’s more expenses that bleed you dry and overextend your resources. Am I right or am I right?!

Yet your daughter is growing up in a day and time where she doesn’t have control over the cost of living, the price of gas, tax increases, school and sports fees, and on it goes. 

Although you feel the stress and burden of providing for your family, if you can find creative ways here or there to purchase something over and above for your daughter, she’ll always remember it in years to come.

Jesus knew what he was talking about when he said there’s a strong correlation between your treasures (money) and your heart (which, in this scenario, is your daughter). 

5. Pray daily for who you want your daughter to become

Even if prayer isn’t your thing, I challenge you to take a 3 x 5 card and start with writing three words on it. Write those things you want to see God do in your daughter that will allow her to be a world changer. For example, you could write, “courageous, uncompromising, and confident.”

Then commit to daily asking her Heavenly Father to lock and load these qualities into the fiber of her being so she becomes all of who He made her to be. 

6. Be willing to admit when you're wrong and ask forgiveness

I realize this might sound harsh, but I don't hear enough stories about dads humbling themselves before their daughter's when they've blown it. 

So, what if you consistently took responsibility and admitted when you’ve had a poor response? Then, ask your daughter how you hurt her so she can express herself honestly, followed up with you asking for her to forgive you. 

If you want your daughter to do the same, it has to start with you. And who better to take the first step and be a role model who shows her what kind of man to look for than you!

So there it is: Your six-step plan of action to strengthen and build your dad-daughter bond. Simply put, think of this as your “#girldad curriculum” this next school year. Go Dad!

What if Today Were Your Last Day to Invest in Your Daughter?

I’m at the age where attending funerals is becoming more commonplace. And truly, there’s nothing like an end of life celebration to bring everything into perspective. 

I still recall attending a funeral for a dear friend’s husband where there was hardly a dry eye in the place as one of their sons shared stories about what his dad had meant to him. 

While choking back tears, he said, “I think everyone here could say, I want more of my dad.”

His words hung in the air. He ended by saying that he was one of the lucky ones to have had an invested dad. 

As I reflect back on the years of interacting with girls and young women, a consistent theme I hear from them can be summed up in those same six words, “I want more of my dad.” 

Stated otherwise, I’ve never heard one of them say she had “too much” of her dad---too much time, too much attention, too much love, too much affirmation, too much laughter, too much interacting, too much talking, too much connecting, too much validating...you get the point.

This brings to mind the harrowing survival story I heard awhile back of Holocaust survivor, Eva Schloss, who was Anne Frank’s stepsister. She, her brother, and her parents had been taken as prisoners by the Nazis to the Polish death camps of Auschwitz and Birkenau during World War II. 

I was deeply moved by one particular story she shared when miraculously reconnected with her father after he had been granted permission to find her in an adjacent camp. Since they were in two different concentration camps, he had no idea that she had just resigned herself to death, was severely depressed, and had been crying much of the time. Yet upon seeing him she said that she felt revived. 

In her own words, Eva describes their reunion:

“His eyes were full of an immense love for me. I threw myself into his arms and felt his warmth and strength flow into me and pull me back to life. I sobbed uncontrollably while he held me close to him as if he would never let me go. He must have felt as happy as I did, to have his little daughter in his arms once more.

He told me to be brave and not to give up…We exchanged looks of such yearning and love that I still see his face like this in my dreams.”

Eva and her mother barely made it out of the war alive. Her brother and father did not.

Yet here she was, at 90 years old, and her dad’s love was still with her---a love that carried her through severe suffering, starvation, torture, assault, resettlement, and later, re-engagement with life. 

I talked with Eva after her presentation and told her about my work with dads of daughters. If I ever meet her again, I will definitely ask her more about her “Pappy” because from everything I could tell, she was still her daddy’s girl.

Dad, I share these stories with you today in the hope that your heart will be stirred. And not just stirred to experience emotion, but stirred to action. After all, it was God who said that it is the hearts of fathers that must turn toward their children, not their heads (Malachi 4:6). 

I want your heart to be stirred to engage your daughter’s heart today as you realize that any day could be your last. And any day could be her last. 

Your intentional investment today will leave a powerful, beautiful legacy for her. And your intentional investment today will leave a lasting, loving legacy in her.

Make this day a day where your daughter enthusiastically and confidently shouts, “I did have enough of my Dad today!”

3 Blind Spots of Mice and Men

Do you remember the nursery rhyme from when you were a kid about three blind mice? I haven’t actually thought about it in years or heard anyone cite it either.

But as I’m looking at it today, I thought you might enjoy reminiscing with me:

Three blind mice, three blind mice
See how they run, see how they run
They all ran after the farmer’s wife
She cut off their tails with a carving knife
Did you ever see such a sight in your life as three blind mice?

Crazy story to share with kids, right?

I don’t have any profound insight as to why this rhyme is of any value to us or our children, but my one take away is this: Blind spots lead to catastrophic outcomes.

It’s the same with fathering your daughters. 

Blind spots are those areas where we miss or don’t see things, often because they’re in our peripheral vision. Yet when something is legitimately there and needs our immediate attention, it’s wisdom to turn our heads and respond appropriately.

With that in mind, here’s three specific things that might be in your blind spot when it comes to interacting with your daughter. My hope is that after reading, you’ll see things more clearly because now they’ll be directly in your line of sight. 

Blind Spot #1: Expecting things of your daughter that you don’t practice yourself. 

As a dad you want your daughter to have positive responses. You want her to respond with immediate obedience without a bad attitude or intense negativity. You want her to respect others (especially her mom and siblings), honor God, and be a contributing member of your family and society.

Those are great goals, but it’s vital that you start with yourself. Begin by considering whether you’re setting an example in these areas so what you’re expecting and requiring of her is modeled by you. After all, more is caught than taught.

Blind Spot #2: Thinking that what you do behind closed doors doesn’t matter if she doesn’t know about it. 

We’ve all heard the quote, “be sure your sins will find you out.” When it comes to integrity (which I imagine is a virtue you want your daughter to embody), it’s about what we do when no one sees. 

When it comes to your personal life---your thoughts, morals, values, choices, relationships with the opposite sex, expenditures, financial dealings, etc.---it’s important that there is congruence between the life your daughter sees publicly and the person you are behind closed doors. 

Let me get a little more personal and specific. If you engage in looking at pornography, you’re contributing to an industry that objectifies and uses women for self-gratification.

If you want your daughter to live with confident strength where she expects to be treated with value and respect, especially by men, be mindful that what you bring with you is being passed on to her. This has to do with the atmosphere and spiritual climate that you carry with you, which is a very real, though unseen, realm. 

Blind Spot #3: Assuming that your anger has no effect in shaping her.

You’ve heard me say this many times and it bears repeating: Your anger will have the most negative impact on your daughter’s heart and spirit than most anything else.

Your anger will cause your daughter to fear you and experience you as unsafe (which I know you don’t want). Your anger will decrease her self esteem, cause her to be tentative and less confident, destroy her spirit, and lead her to shrink back and be less assertive in the world (which you also don’t want). Additionally, she will project these realities onto God as a Father and assume He’s an angry guy in the sky. If you don’t want her to be afraid of God, be aware that you set the base for how she approaches and relates to Him.

Anger from a dad to his daughter is always more intense than you may think it is. Though anger is a God-given emotion and there’s a place for it at times, you must use it rarely. 

Now that these three areas are in front of you, they’re no longer blind spots. 

Commit to addressing one of them today. 

Better yet, talk to a fellow “mouse” (a trusted friend) and communicate honestly about these three areas. This is how you’ll be a band of brothers instead of “three blind mice.” And by creating this kind of accountability group, you’ll offset blindness and move forward with clear vision.

No more blinders. Go Dad!