An Open Letter to Daughters Everywhere (Guest Blog by Don Blackwell)

Don is a long-time friend of mine and I’m honored he’s joining us today as he puts into writing what I believe all of you GirlDads want to say to your daughters.
~ Michelle

Dads are notoriously poor communicators when it comes to feelings, especially with their daughters.

Too often, our silence, awkwardness, or inability to find right words is interpreted as disinterest, insensitivity, or a lack of empathy.

Truth is many fathers silently long for a closer relationship with their daughters, even when they aren't sure how to build one.

So, if my fellow dads will permit, I'd like to share an open letter to daughters everywhere who may still be wondering about us. [And Dad, if my message expresses your heart, feel free to share it with your daughter from you].

To Our Daughters –

It seems like only yesterday that we held you in our arms for the first time.

It was love at first sight.

From that moment on, you’ve held a very special place in our hearts – a place reserved only for you.

When you were little, it was “easy” to let you know that. We could hold you tight, comfort you when you were sad, tell you bedtime stories and tuck you in – and we did. You probably don’t remember those moments, but we do.

But, as you grew older, things got more complicated for us where you were concerned.

You were becoming young women, perhaps before both of us were ready – and we weren’t sure how to respond, how we fit in to your emerging womanhood.

We wondered if it was still “okay” to hold you as tightly as we once did (or hold you at all), to kiss you, to tuck you into bed – to dry your tears and comfort you.

We looked for other ways to stay connected with you, ways to stay engaged in your life, to discern the role you wanted us to play as you entered your teenage years, but we struggled with that – a lot.

We assumed, without asking, that your mom was the person you wanted for all those "girl things" and that you'd let us know if and when you needed us.

Between your mom and your friends, it seemed like you were doing “just fine” and growing more independent with each passing day.

Part of us was content to watch you grow, but we missed you – we missed “us”.

We realize now, however, that we may have missed the most important thing of all – the realization that you were missing us too and maybe even misconstruing our distance and seeming “absence” as indifference.

If only we had known then what we know now.

If only, rather than guess at what each other was thinking or hoping one of us “would get it” from the unspoken “bread crumbs” we were leaving in each other’s lives, we had simply talked, allowed ourselves to be more vulnerable with one another.

Maybe we could both be a little better about that going forward?

In the meantime, lest there be any doubt in your mind, know this . . .

• there has never been a day since you were born when we haven’t loved you,

• a moment that has passed when we haven’t thought of you, or

• a time that we wanted anything but what was best for you –

• today is no exception, nor will tomorrow be.

Because, while we may not always be great at showing, let alone expressing it, we love you and we value you beyond measure.

Your Dad

Don Blackwell is a trial attorney is Miami and the dad of two now adult children. He is also a tireless mental health advocate within and outside the legal profession. Don is the author of “Dear Ashley ...” - A Father's Reflections and Letters to His Daughter on Life, Love and Hope (2013), and, more recently, of Retune Your Heart – Finding the ‘”Extra” in the Ordinariness of Everyday Life, The Playbook of Your Childhood Heart (2025), and hashtag#todolistfridays - Small Weekly Steps to Building a Big-Hearted Life (2026). 

Closing the Dream Gap

Over the past few years a new term has emerged called the ‘Dream Gap.’ You may have already heard of it, but for me this is something I just learned about recently. And because it’s rocking my world, I wanted to bring it to your attention, Dads.

Let’s start with the historical context:

In 2017 researchers from NYU, Princeton, and the University of Illinois collaborated to present findings from their ground-breaking research, revealing that by the age of five, girls quit dreaming and stop believing they can be anything they want to be or do anything they set their minds to. By contrast, boys in this age range are not experiencing the same things.

They also reported that by the age of six, girls stop associating brilliance with their gender and start avoiding activities that require what they perceive to be high levels of intelligence. Further, the more heart-breaking reality is that when these gender stereotypes regarding a lack of intellectual ability in females take root early, they are believed to have life-long negative impacts on their interests, choices, and career paths.

In other words, when girls decline involvement in activities they believe are reserved only for those who are “really, really smart,” they tend to make choices not to engage in activities where they might have otherwise flourished had they tried. And these restrictive beliefs block young girls and women from pursuing their aspirations, which researchers believe correlates to women being underrepresented in fields that value genius, such as philosophy or physics.

One Mom’s Story:

In her blog, “Life with my Littles,” Chelsea Johnson shares her personal story around this theme: 

“I first heard about the Dream Gap back in May at Barbie headquarters, and it hit me hard. My daughter just turned four, and right now, she is such a bright, shining light in our family. She loves imagining who she can become and her dream is to become a worker (a construction worker) and a veterinarian (we’re lucky Barbie makes a vet doll and a builder doll!). One day she wants to build her own veterinary clinic. To her, anything is possible, and I want her to always believe that she can be or do anything she wants.

When I heard about the Dream Gap and what research has shown, I was terrified for her. I have friends with daughters between five and seven, and they’ve casually said things to me that have shown me that this gap is real in their daughter’s lives. I don’t want my daughter, or any other girl, to doubt her potential or to think that just because she’s a girl she can’t become who she wants to. Even if you don’t have a daughter, I’m sure you can relate to this feeling.”

Yes, I can relate to this feeling because this is my story:

Sometimes people assume that I’m intelligent simply because I have letters after my name. Yet regardless of what people tell me, here is my standard response every single time someone makes a comment about my academic accomplishments: “I’m not that smart…I just work hard.”

Until reading this research, I hadn’t considered that I’m actually perfectly positioned inside this stereotypical norm group, mostly because of my own self-deprecating beliefs. Even more, I assumed that I would be convinced I was smart enough after graduating with my doctorate, which included doing my own research, then writing and defending my dissertation.

But unfortunately, I wouldn’t say that there has been a positive shift in this area in the last decade. So here I am as an educated woman who still doesn’t fully believe that I have enough intellect to be considered truly intelligent.

The crazy thing is that I don’t even know what enough would look like if I had it. I just know that I don’t believe I have as much as I possibly could have.

Did you notice how many times I used the word enough? I assure you that I don’t believe I’m dumb. In fact, I know I have smarts. It’s more that I don’t think I’m smart enough.

You’re probably a step ahead of me and can see that this statement elicits a follow-up question: Smart enough for what or smart enough in comparison to whom? Do you see how relative all of this is and how nebulous these concepts are? What does ‘enough’ even mean in practical terms?

I have an answer.

I was never as smart as Stephanie Weirson, a girl who was in my class from grade school through high school. And it seemed that every time we had a test, she finished long before I was even to the half way point. Solidifying her elevated position in my mind, she was always at the top of the leader board when our grades came out. So Ms. Weirson became my internalized standard against which I measured myself and she was always ahead of me because somehow I linked speed of responses to IQ. Yet now that I say it out loud, I realize how absurd that is!

I have honestly never said any of this out loud quite like this…until now. So here I am admitting that somewhere along the way I adopted a skewed “grid for smartness” and it has gone unchallenged and uncontested…until now.

I’m reluctant to admit this, but the reality is that I self-deprecate as much as the next woman even though, on the outside, no one would guess that I do.

As a result, I’ve been believing a lie that hasn’t been broken because it’s never been spoken.

Defining the ‘Dream Gap’ in more detail:

In response to the study I mentioned at the start of this blog, Mattel launched a global campaign just three months ago called the ‘Dream Gap Project.’ Their goal is to close the gap that stands between girls and their full potential through raising awareness of gender biases and stereotypes that are placed on them at a young age, reinforced primarily by the media and from subtle messages by adults. Thus, they are encouraging girls to counter their self-limiting beliefs by dreaming for more while reaching for the stars.

On their website, Mattel boldly states their motivation behind this initiative:

“The Dream Gap is a crisis not only because it robs girls of the ability to value themselves in an essential context. Dreaming is the key to a future in which more than 80 percent of jobs are STEM-related [Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math], and so we are all robbed. Simply put, dreaming, if we define that term as imagining new possibilities, exploring new worlds and thinking new thoughts, is what makes innovation and new breakthroughs possible.”

In this short video, a group of adorable young girls collectively use their voices to define the ‘Dream Gap’ in this way:

“Starting at age five, girls stop believing they can be presidents, scientists, astronauts, big thinkers, engineers, CEOs, and the list goes on. Why? Because what else are we going to believe when we are three times less likely to be given a science-related toy…and when our parents are twice as likely to Google ‘Is my son gifted?’ than ‘Is my daughter gifted?’ That’s not cool.”

Keeping true to their word to increase purposeful dreaming in girls through imaginative play, Mattel created Luciana Vega for their 2018 Girl of the Year doll, whom they describe as “a creative, confident 11-year old girl and aspiring astronaut who dreams of being the first person to go to Mars!”

I am excited that empowered role models are being shown to young girls that invite them to think outside of a stereotypical box as they hold dolls that embody intelligence and strength. This sentiment is reinforced by the little girls in the above-mentioned video as they say:

“We need to see brilliant women being brilliant. And see how they got to where they there. To imagine ourselves doing what they do. But we can’t do it alone. Mom, dads, brothers, bosses, we need all of you to help. We need to close the dream gap. It’s up to all of us.”

How a dad can help close the ‘Dream Gap’:

You may feel like there’s very little you can do to override the powerful undertow of our cultural tide that comes against your daughter with negative messages that attack the very qualities that you seek to see displayed in her. You may believe your efforts are futile to successfully celebrate your daughter’s creativity, brilliance, optimism, vision, and passion when she isn’t always met with the same enthusiasm and support outside of your home.

As a dad you have the privilege of standing in the gap for your daughter so she can hear your affirming voice above the rest. You get to speak life into her spirit and applaud her uniqueness by supporting her dreams and goals (even if they’re different than the dreams and goals you have for her.)

This is where we as girls and women need YOU, our dads, to:

1. Challenge us to face our fears

2. Let us know that it’s okay to be afraid through this process of honing our vision

3. Remind us that in your eyes we’re a winner when we give our best, even if we don’t win first prize

4. Believe that we’re enough when we don’t believe that we are

5. Run alongside us while we’re learning to dream beyond our natural limitations

6. Coach us with wisdom about the fact that character is proven when we get back up after we fall

7. Cheer us on with your unwavering support as you speak life-breathing words into us

8. Repeat the truth that success is in the journey, not just in the outcome

9. Tell us that you’re proud of us and love us no matter what

And, Dad, if you want one more idea to help your daughter close the dream gap, I encourage you to invite her to write a list of TEN OUTRAGEOUS THINGS SHE WISHES SHE HAD THE NERVE TO DO. Then have her date and sign it.

A decade ago I wrote out my list of ten outrageous things and one of them was “to write a book.” It seemed like a crazy impossibility at the time, but then in 2014 my first book was released. So I speak from personal experience when I say: Dream it and do it!

For extra dad points, you can create your own list, modeling to your daughter that you’re never too old to set new goals and think forward in expanding normal limits. This list can also serve as a prayer guide as you agree with God to support your daughter to live beyond her natural limits as she is released into his supernatural calling on her life!

Dad, you can help to close the dream gap today by standing in the gap with your daughter.

GirlDad Gold: 8 Life Lessons from Alysa Liu and Her Dad

If you watched the Milan Cortina Winter Olympics last month, you no doubt watched the joyous celebration of Alysa Liu when she single-handedly turned women’s figure skating upside down as she won gold. Ever since, this courageous 20-year old is continuing to blow everyone away with her wealth of wisdom that is far beyond her years, as demonstrated with these powerful statements:

 “I love struggling, actually. It makes me feel alive.”

"I'm really confident in myself, and even if I mess up and fall,
that's totally okay.”

"What I like to share about myself is my story, my art and my creative process... A bad story is still a story, and I think that's beautiful. There's no way to lose.”

Wow. Talk about inspirational deep truth. I want to be more like her with a fierce growth mindset, don’t you?

Would you love your daughter to be motivated by a similar self-confidence? Of course you would!

You want to see her thrive as she boldly steps into being all God has made her to be, shaped by resilience even when there’s loss, humbly embracing triumph despite struggle, and courage to never give up or lose sight of who she is.

As you think of your role in supporting your daughter, here are eight life lessons tucked into Alysa’s story, including dynamics with her father, Arthur:

Alysa’s story, including dynamics with her father, Arthur:

1. Start by Believing Big
Arthur Liu believed in his daughter early. He saw her spark on the ice and didn’t dismiss it as “just a phase.” He invested time, money, and energy into helping her develop her talent. Alysa became the youngest U.S. women’s national champion in history at age 13. She landed jumps other American women weren’t attempting at the time. But before the titles, there was a dad who said, “I see something in you.”

Lesson for GirlDads:
Your belief becomes her internal voice. When she wonders, “Am I capable?” she will hear echoes of what you’ve said as it repeats inside her mind and heart for years.

2. Support Her Dreams — But Don’t Make Them Yours
Arthur was deeply involved in Alysa’s skating career. His level of involvement helped launch her success…but it also created tension. As Alysa matured, she realized she needed more ownership. She later said she didn’t want her dad to be as invested in her skating as he had been before. That wasn’t rejection (though he may have thought it at the time); this was individuation and differentiation.

Lesson for GirlDads:
There is a fine line between championing her dream and unconsciously adopting it as your identity. The goal is not to live through her success but to stand beside her in it.

3. Excellence Without Joy Has an Expiration Date
Alysa’s early career was meteoric. She broke records, made history, and carried enormous expectations. But eventually, she stepped away from competitive skating — at just 16 years old. Why? Because it had stopped being fun.

She described wanting a more normal life. She wanted to discover who she was as a person, not just as a skater. She wanted to breathe. This decision stunned the skating world. But it revealed something critical: talent without joy cannot sustain a young heart forever.

Lesson for GirlDads:
Ask her regularly: “Are you still loving this?” Not because quitting is the goal — but because joy is fuel. When the passion dies, no amount of pressure will resurrect it in a healthy way.

One of the most striking parts of their story is that Alysa didn’t consult her dad before announcing her retirement. Arthur admitted he felt hurt. But here’s what he did well: he didn’t publicly shame her, pressure her, or try to reverse her choice. He let her own it.

Lesson for GirlDads:
There will come a moment when your daughter makes a decision you disagree with — about sports, college, career, relationships, or life direction. Your response in that moment shapes your long-term connection.

You can be disappointed and still be supportive. That balance is pure gold to a daughter.

5. Step Back So She Can Step Forward
After time away from skating, Alysa chose to return. But this time, she did it differently. She structured her training with more autonomy. She defined the boundaries of her dad’s involvement. And something beautiful happened: she skated freer.

When she returned to the Olympic stage, there was visible joy in her performance. She trusted her intuition and debuted new, unprecedented jumps while enthusiastically celebrating her love of the sport.

Lesson for GirlDads:
If you don’t step back eventually, she can’t fully step into herself. Your willingness to release control communicates trust. And trust breeds confidence in girls and women.

6. Your Relationship Matters More Than the Resumé
It’s easy for high-achieving families to measure everything: scores, rankings, scholarships, titles. But long after the medals tarnish, what remains is the relationship. Despite the tension in their dynamic, Alysa has spoken respectfully about her dad. Arthur has spoken proudly of her — even when she chose differently than he would have preferred. They navigated complexity without severing connection.

Lesson for GirlDads:
Guard your relationship more fiercely than her achievements. If forced to choose between a trophy and trust, choose trust every time. Because when her world shakes — and it will — she’ll run toward safety [a.k.a. you], not away from it [a.k.a. you].

7. Teach Her That Identity Is Bigger Than One Arena
When Alysa retired, she didn’t disappear. She explored life beyond elite sport. She embraced college experiences, friendships, and growth outside of skating. Her identity became more defined as her world expanded.

That’s critical for daughters who grow up in performance-driven environments. If all they’ve ever been told is who they are when they win, they struggle when the applause fades. Arthur’s early focus was largely centered on skating. Over time, the lesson evolved: Alysa is more than her jumps.

Lesson for GirlDads:
Affirm her character more than her competence. Tell her she’s brave, thoughtful, creative, kind — not just talented. A daughter grounded in identity can withstand both failure and fame.

8. Redefine Winning
Gold medals represent discipline, resilience, and excellence. But Alysa’s most meaningful victory may not be a podium moment. It may be that she learned to skate for the joy she found in doing what she loves.
She once expressed that she would still skate even if no one were watching. That’s the kind of intrinsic motivation every father hopes his daughter develops — not performing for approval, but moving from internal conviction. Arthur’s early belief helped launch her. His later restraint allowed her to reclaim ownership and connect to her authentic motivation and inspiration.

That process — from director to supporter — is the hidden gold.

Lesson for GirlDads:
Winning is raising a daughter who can say, “I’m embracing the life God has given me, and I choose to inspire those around me by stepping into my unique gifts and calling.”

What They Did Well — And What They Learned

What they did well:

• Early belief and investment

• Courage to pursue excellence

• Pride without public hostility during hard seasons

• Willingness to evolve the relationship

What they didn’t do perfectly:

• Over-involvement blurred boundaries

• Intensity sometimes overshadowed childhood normalcy

• Communication gaps created hurt

But here’s the hope-filled truth: Perfection isn’t required to raise a strong daughter; growth is.

Dad, you’re in good company with every dad when you acknowledge that you will misstep. You will push too hard sometimes or not hard enough at others. The goal is not flawless fatherhood. The goal is responsive fatherhood — listening, adjusting, and loving through change.

So when your daughter dares to chase a dream that feels bigger than her age, her size, or even her sport, she doesn’t just need talent. She needs a dad who knows when to lean in and when to let go, a dad who celebrates her victories and losses while communicating unconditional love throughout the process.

This is what it looks like to be a gold-winning GirlDad!

Making Amends: How One Dad Did it Right

With this being the second blog in this Valentines month, I want to continue on the topic of LOVE---from a dad to his daughter. And one of the best ways you can show love to your daughter is to lead by making amends when you’ve caused her pain.

As we know, ruptures in relationships are a reality for all of us. This means that every one of shares in either being hurt or being the one to cause the hurt. Whether unintentional or intentional, when we’ve caused harm, we must develop a skill set in doing repair work in order to restore.

I can honestly say that the most common questions fathers ask or write me about are tied to estrangement. Here’s the most recent example:

I truly want to reconcile with my daughter and be a better dad, even though she has a step-dad now. I was wrong to stay away for so long and make it about me instead of about her. I’m not wanting to overstep but how do I let her know I want to be involved in her life now? I don’t want to make things worse. I appreciate your advice Dr. Michelle.

Although I often have minimal knowledge of the entirety of the situation when responding, I do want to give dads practical and proactive strategies they can put into action to invest in changing things for the better with their girls.

This leads me to a real life story, one that I had the privilege of being a part of. 

Leanne is a 35-year old daughter, married, and the mother of two. She contacted me to ask if I could help navigate her relationship with her father after years of feeling the strain between them. Both were willing to peel back the layers while knowing they needed someone to help guide them through the process. 

Even though Dad, Scott, saw the task ahead as somewhat daunting, perhaps unnecessary, he said that if this would help his daughter heal then he was committed to joining her for counseling. Courageously, they both opened up about the ways that Scott’s often gruff and dismissive parenting style when raising his tender-hearted daughter not only hurt her then, but was still impacting her now. She shared that she had internalized his view of her and still believes she’s “stupid and dumb,” with an overall feeing of being unworthy.

Through this process of talking and listening, Dad gave his daughter one of the best gifts she’d ever received from him.

Without being defensive, Scott listened. 

For seven weeks in a row, he listened. 

Far past the point where he normally would have walked away, he listened. 

All out of love for his daughter. 

We finally reached the place where Scott, though hesitantly, was willing to accept an assignment to write Leanne a letter. Not knowing exactly what to write (especially since his daughter is an accomplished writer, which in his mind served to highlight his inadequacy), he used a template, attached here, to guide the process. 

This dad followed directions, put pen to paper (actually fingers to keyboard), and gave it his all. To say he did it right is an understatement!

Scott told Leanne how he sees her embodying the meaning of her name while telling her specific ways he is proud of her, even including unique qualities he admires about her. And he made amends. He said he was sorry for not being gentle and patient with her when she was a little girl.

Now you may be wondering: What good does it do to dredge up the past, especially when bygones are bygones? You may be thinking that it’s cruel for an adult daughter to drag her dad into a counselor’s office just so he can hear her tell him how he blew it when she was little when he was doing the best he could at the time.

You can decide for yourself whether you still hold to that position after hearing what Leanne later wrote to her dad in response to their life-changing interaction: 

There was a moment when you stopped reading for a second and you glanced at me with wet eyes and tears streaming down your cheeks—I don’t even remember what part of the letter it was—that I have permanently engrained in my memory. It’s the strongest you’ve ever looked to me. I find it fascinating, and I think you might think it absurd, that my certainty of your strength was birthed from a moment where you were completely broken down. Even the little six-year-old in me is so proud of you and is saying, “My daddy is so strong!” Dad, you are one of the bravest men I know.

Even as an adult woman, Leanne still longed to hear what her daddy thought of her. 

She needed to hear his words that connected her little girl questions to her adult self. And she soaked in his words---about truly understanding the ways he had hurt her, coupled with being proud of her--and why.

Leanne needed to hear him read his letter out loud to her. 

She needed to hear his heartfelt emotion as he expressed himself. 

Scott agreed. Something broke free in him by doing this, leading him to say: “I don’t expect myself to be perfect anymore. I’m actually more real now.” 

It was in this process of opening up the conversation that both of their hearts moved towards healing. When this father asked forgiveness, his daughter immediately responded with love and grace. Each of them felt more understood as they went through this process together.

Leanne further explained:

It’s like taking two magnets and flipping them around so instead of connecting tightly, they push against each other in opposition, making it impossible for connection to happen. This letter, both the letter itself and my dad’s emotions in reading it, was the first time our magnets faced the right way for connection to happen. I literally feel like I heard words I’ve been waiting 30 years to hear.

In reflecting back on this experience, I asked Leanne to share a few highlights that stood out to her from the journey:

The problem is the wounds from hurt don’t get healed if we ignore them; I learned that not only was I wounded by the past, so was my dad. His sobs and streaming tears were physical manifestations of how deep his own wounds are. This means we have pain in common and in a weird way I feel closer to him now that I know. 

So to sum up, I want to tell dads everywhere to write and read your daughter a letter because it:

1) Shows she’s worth pursuing

2) Lets her know how you feel about her 

3) Allows her to see herself through your eyes, which is far more valuable and loving than how the world will communicate her worth. 

My hope in sharing this real-life story with you is to demonstrate that it’s never too late for a dad to make amends with his daughter. When a dad comes without defensiveness, and is open and willing to hear her heart hurts, he gives her---and himself---the gift of freedom, release, and healing. 

Thank you, Leanne and Scott, for the powerful way you’ve modeled that it’s possible for a dad and daughter to make amends if they’re both committed to doing so. 

Thank you for showing us that it’s never too late to make things right. I believe I speak for us all when I say how extremely grateful we are for the gift you have given us by your courage to share your story. 

I trust that every dad reading this will take their story to heart and take steps today to make amends with your daughter (and son). Don’t put it off another day. 

She’s worth the hard work. And so are you.

5 Ways to Prepare Yourself for Reconciliation with Your Estranged Daughter

With the holidays officially upon us, I know there are many of you dads who are struggling to claim this as “the happiest time of the year.” The reason? Distance from your daughter (and/or son).

The reality is that I receive more emails from dads around the country asking about what to do to connect with their estranged daughters than I do anything else…by a long shot. And I want to see that sad reality change through empowering dads to do whatever it takes to make amends and pursue healing at any cost to themselves.

Now I realize that there’s always more to a story than merely what I hear, but my encouragement to these men—and to you ---continues to include validation, coupled with suggestions for action.

But first, a story to encourage you.

---

My friend and former NFL quarterback, Ed Tandy McGlasson, founded an incredible organization called Blessing of the Father Ministries. Ed is one of the most passionate people I know when it comes to understanding the power of a father’s blessing, which leads  him to enthusiastically speak words of life into men and women everywhere by affirming how much they are loved by God as their Father.

One of the most powerful stories he tells is of a dad who hadn’t seen his daughter in over twenty years, since she was thirteen years old, and every time he reached out to her, there was no response. Desperate for direction, he met with Ed, who suggested that he waste no time in writing these exact words to his estranged daughter:

Help me understand how much I hurt you when I divorced your mom.

That’s all it took for his daughter to quickly respond. He didn’t defend or explain. He listened. And their relationship was restored.

---

Perhaps these are the words you need to say to your daughter in this season: “Help me understand how much I hurt you when I . . .”

On the other hand, Dad, sometimes your first move will require what could look like apparent inaction. Stated otherwise, by not moving, you’re moving. Let me explain. If your daughter isn’t ready to talk to you right now, you must honor her boundaries and wait until she gives you the green light.

Outwardly, this may look like you’re doing nothing, but in reality this allows you to prepare yourself for when she’s ready to communicate with you.

That said, I want to share some ideas that you can put into practice to prepare YOURSELF for the day your daughter will hopefully be ready to re-engage with you.

And if your daughter is open to having a conversation with you--whether in person or via email/text or over the phone--feel free to use the information below to guide you. (For more specifics, you can refer to my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters).

Here are some keys to preparing your heart for reconciliation with your estranged daughter:

1. Pray for restoration.
   I understand that at times our prayers may feel like they’re hitting the ceiling. But it’s important to remember that your prayers are being heard by your Heavenly Father who says if we call on him he will answer us and tell us great and unsearchable things that we don’t know (Jeremiah 33:3). Ask Him to move in ways that only a true Father can. Write out prayer requests and date them so you can see how God answers as you stay the course with believing prayer.

2.  Own your part…with humility.
   Sometimes it can be hard to see the log in our own eye while instead focusing on the splinter in someone else’s (Matthew 7:5). And when there has been hurt between a dad and daughter, such that the bridge between them is weakened or bombed out completely, as her father, it’s vital that you search your own heart before God and be willing to admit your fault. As you assess yourself honestly (even asking others for input), it will set the foundation of humility and openness for the time when your relationship is restored.

3. Don’t take her rejection personally.
   If the distance between you and your daughter has little or nothing to do with you (a.k.a. a divorce or tragedy beyond your control that led to the estrangement), then seek to stand strong in the truth that she needs space to work this out in her way and in her time. There’s nothing you can do to rush that process along. Patience is key.

4. Look with open and eager anticipation.
   One of my favorite Bible stories is in Luke 15, a parable Jesus tells about his Father. He shares five ways that the earthly dad in this story re-engages with his estranged son, thus providing a road map for dads who are in a similar situation. This father saw his child (which means he was consistently looking for him), was filled with compassion, ran toward him, threw his arms around him, and kissed him. That is the necessary stance for a dad with an estranged daughter, as modeled by the ultimate Dad, our Heavenly Father.

5. Buy a journal and write to her in it. (This one is my favorite!)
   Because you will date each entry, it will serve as a time capsule where you’ll be recording your thoughts and memories about her, dreams for her future, words of encouragement, prayers for her, positive and loving affirmations, things you wish you could tell her if she were here, etc. This is more for you than for her because it will keep hope alive as you write things down. Then when the time is right (which could be a long ways down the road possibly), you’ll have it as a gift to give her that will let her know that she was never far from your heart even when there was distance. It will prove to her the power of your love was solid even when she may have believed otherwise.

As noted from Luke 15, do not lose heart even while your daughter is away and distanced, possibly making choices that grieve you.

Do what God as a good Father does by staying open to her in your heart, looking forward for her return (no matter how long it takes) while believing that she needs your prayers for healing in her own life, whether or not she’s ready to engage with you now.

And in the meantime, I encourage you to do your own work. But this I mean to take steps to vulnerably tell your story and be willing to “look at your own stuff,” followed with receiving input and support from trusted friends or a counselor. This will set the foundation for a healthier relationship with your daughter when she returns because you’ll better understand yourself and have more tools in your emotional toolbox.

These five action steps above will set a foundation of hope as you take proactive steps forward. I pray your Thanksgiving and Christmas season will be a time of renewal, even in the hard spaces, as you celebrate the King who came to earth to give us the promise of heaven beyond today.