Dadvice: A One-Step Way to Strengthen Your Daughter’s Identity

Last week’s blog was about writing a letter to your daughter and it prompted many of you to write and tell me that you were on board. (And just for the record, I love hearing from you!) So this week I thought I’d add another layer, one that will bring depth and breadth to your writing experience.

But first, let’s take a walk down memory lane.

I am guessing that when you and your wife/partner went through the process of choosing a name for your daughter it was a very big deal. No doubt you labored to get just the right one.

You probably ruled out the majority of them because at one point or another one of you knew someone with that exact name who didn’t wear the title very well.  

Yet somehow…finally…after months of deliberation…when hope was almost gone that you’d ever agree, the perfect one emerged!

Then you both pondered it for a couple of days (or weeks) just to make sure it sat well. You may have even spoken it out loud a few times while considering every possible nickname that might be derived from it, culminating with making sure it tucked itself nicely next to your surname.  

And the more you let your mind wrap around that final choice, her beautiful name began to take on a life of its own, like music to your ears. You eagerly anticipated how your little offspring would soon come alive to the sound of that name, a name that you had given her, a name that would be forever linked to her identity as a girl and a woman.

It was that name that became the hook upon which your heart would hang all the love you could ever imagine giving to your precious treasure.

And even now you probably don’t have to reach very far back into your memory bank to recall the first time she cooed and smiled as you called her by name, an experience that left you feeling things inside your heart as a man that you’d never felt before. It was then you knew you were a dad.

And all of that was tied to your little girl being called by her name. By you.

I’m here to tell you that she still needs to hear you lovingly say her name.

But not only that. If you really want to hit it out of the ballpark as a dad, you can teach her the origin and meaning of her name to help her more fully understand who she is. In doing so you give her a gift that will deeply impact her heart.

When I was thirteen years old my dad started meeting bimonthly with me and my younger sister. The poor guy didn’t have a clue how to be a dad to daughters yet when a mentor suggested that he meet individually with his girls to help lead and train us, he was committed to giving it a try. I was nervous at first because I knew it would be awkward, just him and me. But it got easier over time.

He covered topics like dating, overcoming fear (since I struggled big time in that area), sibling relationships, and even explored the meaning of my name. This all was new and intriguing, and I remember being most impacted by this idea of knowing that my name had an origin long before me that was tied to generations of women whose name I shared.

I still recall learning that my sister’s name meant she was gracious, which gave her one thing to focus on. But upon opening the name book and reading about mine, my heart sank. I hated what I read. At first, anyway.

I was overwhelmed at the enormity of what it would require to live up to its meaning when I learned that Michelle was a Hebrew name that meant “who is like God” or “godly woman.” Here I had an inbred assignment to embody the entire character and nature of God Himself! Yikes!

But there’s a flip side of that overreaction. At the same time that I felt burdened with the task at hand, it also meant that God and I had a deep personal connection because my name was tied to Him.

Here I was an insecure teenager with a bad complexion and wonky emotions, but now I felt tied to a Person much bigger than myself. This honestly helped give me a stronger sense of identity beyond what I could comprehend at the time.

Learning the meaning of my name gave me something solid to hold on to.

Did you know that you can reinforce the strength your daughter’s identity by highlighting the fact that her name actually has historical roots and meaning? And by doing so you are emphasizing and celebrating her who (who she is) and not just her do (what she does).

It’s one of the most powerful ways to breathe life into her because it ties to her core, to that special part of her that is as unique as her DNA.

Why not take ten minutes right now to look online for the meaning of your daughter’s name and then write her a note to tell her about it. You can even share one or two examples of how you see her living out that meaning.

I guarantee that she will thrive upon hearing your affirmation because her name gives her something powerful and good to connect to. Being a dad who affirms his daughter by underscoring the rich qualities attached to her name will put you in the top tier of fathers in the world.

Do it today:  Find the meaning of her name and put it in writing. You’ll be glad you did…and so will she!

(To support your venture, here are three websites where you can type in her name and quickly find everything you need:

• www.meaning-of-names.com
• www.ohbabynames.com
• www.babynames.com)

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"How to Write a Letter to Your Daughter that She’ll Never Forget"

One of the greatest gifts you can give your daughter is to affirm her through writing. In a world where written communication is most often casual (texts, emails, tweets), a letter in your own handwriting stands out.

I’ll never forget when Abba Project dad Dennis surprisingly noticed that his thirteen-year-old daughter Olivia not only kept the letter he wrote her but placed it on top of her desk for her friends to see. He had completely expected her to be embarrassed by his card and hide it, especially from her peers. So, as you can imagine, his heart melted when he saw the positive impact his written words had made.

The beauty of putting your thoughts, dreams, love, truth, and feelings for your daughter into written form is so that she can read and reread it. She will treasure the things you write to her both now and for years to come.

How do I know this?  Because I and many other girls save our dad’s notes.

I’ll tell you a heart story to bring this to light. My dad started a tradition a number of years ago where he creates a one-of-a-kind birthday card for all of us girls by using a template on his computer (you can do the same thing by going online and doing some exploring). Without a doubt, my all-time favorite card is the one he made for my 50th birthday. He made a list of 50 things he and my mom love about me and number 33 is the one that melted my heart:   

“She loves the frogs at her house.”

         My 50th birthday card from my dad.

I laughed uproariously when reading that because I had no idea he’d remembered such a seemingly insignificant thing that I’d said. But it showed me that he had listened when I said I absolutely love the sound that the choir of frogs make twice a year at the end of my street. It’s music to my ears. And he counted it among the things he loves about me.

I share all of this to say that whether or not you’re artistic or creative, just the fact that you notice and bring to light the unique things about your daughter, things you find adorable, enjoyable, and memorable, you are providing a pathway to her heart that will be a treasure to her forever.

If you’re a dad who has already begun this practice, then great.

Yet whether or not you’ve written letters before, here are a few dad-to-daughter letter-writing ideas to add to your repertoire:

• What was one of the first things you remember about her when she was born and you looked at her for the first time?

• What beauty did you see in her then and what beautiful features do you see in her now?  (Girls love hearing about their eyes, smile, and the unique features that you see as beautiful)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• What strengths do you believe she has, both in terms of skill and in her person (her character, personality)

• Tell her specific reasons you’re proud of her

• Write about what obstacles you have seen her overcome—emphasize such qualities as courage, resilience, strength, commitment, endurance, power

• Write about dreams you have for her future, whether in the form of your wishes for her or things you pray about for her—do this without preaching or lecturing, only encourage

• Tell her what it means to you to spend time with her 

• Communicate why you love being her dad in this season of her life (add current things about her age right now that you’re aware of and highlight them as positive)

• Let her know that you will always be there for her, telling her what it means to you to be her dad

If writing is not your thing, still do it (I know…I’m being a tough teacher right now). I promise that your daughter will thrive in direct proportion to the words you speak (verbal and written) into her life. 

And the more you hone your writing skills, the easier it will become. 

On your mark, get set, write.

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What Does it Mean to Lead Your Daughter Spiritually?

Dad, I realize that I may be treading on sacred ground here as I provide suggestions about what I believe it means to be a spiritual influence in your daughter’s life. Please understand that I am approaching this subject with the greatest reverence.  

I am not seeking to dictate or dominate because I realize that spiritual beliefs and practices are a very personal thing.  

But I would like to propose some ideas of what I believe it means to spiritually lead your daughter. This is not only based on my experience, but also from first hand information I’ve received from girls and young women over the past 35 years who have shared their hearts with me about what they would like more of from their dads.

Here are some practical things that you can start doing today in order to engage your daughter spiritually:

• Let her see you engaging in your own spiritual practices. Because more is caught than taught.  
   
• Pray with her about things going on in her life, which means that you’re asking her questions about her life, boys, school, work, commitments, friends, activities, etc. (I know that dads often are intimated by the idea of praying, especially out loud. Truth: you don’t have to be perfect at it. Let your daughter see you try, even if it’s awkward. It’s okay to say just three sentences in prayer…your daughter will be impacted by you praying over her and with her because it’s your heart that matters).
   
• Reveal your own questions about spiritual things. Let her know you have questions about God, the Bible, theology, church practices, etc. while demonstrating that asking questions is normal and healthy. Find answers to her questions and make it fun to search for answers with her and on your own. Make it a creative process to find answers. Then report back on what you find.
   
• Write out a prayer for her in a note, through a text, or an email.
   
• Open up about what you’re learning from the Bible…or a book or study (not in a way that preaches at her or has hidden statements to convict her. This is about you sharing what you are personally gleaning spiritually in your own life. Be vulnerable and honest).
   
• Share how God is convicting you. This one may be harder to open up about and one where discretion obviously is warranted, but if you let your daughter know how God is speaking to you, followed with modeling the fact that you are listening and responding, this will go farther than any lecture you can ever give her.
   
• Tell her what God is doing in your life. Talk about answers to your prayers.
   
• Ask her what she believes.  Listen, learn, and no lectures. Ask questions to draw her out without necessarily sharing your beliefs at first because if this is new for you to dialogue about spiritual things, it may take awhile for her to open up honestly. Wisely choose your words without lecturing. Take an interest in her beliefs and look through her eyes.  Seek to understand her.
   
• Go to a Christian/spiritual concert with her by one of her favorite artists.
   
• Attend her church with her or invite her to yours. Talk about the sermon afterwards.
   
• Sing worship/spiritual songs with her and listen to the lyrics that touch her spirit.  
   
• Ask her to share about a spiritually significant time in her life. Then share one of yours.
   
• Buy her a book on a spiritual theme. Read it with her. Share what you both learn.

Investing in your daughter’s heart spiritually is a key part of being a dad who leads. And though the majority of men I speak with disqualify themselves from spiritual leadership for one reason or another, I implore you to be a dad who goes against the norm as a statistic-breaker by being a father who intentionally invests in this way. 

Think of it as taking the initiative to lead her spiritually in the same way you approach sports. As you step up to the plate with the bases loaded (a.k.a. there’s a lot of pressure on you), it’s your turn at bat. If you put your whole body into it and swing hard, the rest will take care of itself. You just have to push past your fear and do it.

Start today by choosing one action item from the list above and the rest will fall into place.

Your confidence will build as you see the positive impact in your daughter’s life…and yours.

(If you would like to print a free pdf of the 13 prompts in this blog, called “The Baker’s Dozen for Leading Your Daughter Spiritually”, just click here.)

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Dad, Be the Positive Voice She Hears Even When You’re Not in the Room

You may have heard it said that females speak approximately twenty thousand words per day while males use seven thousand. Is that a crazy significant variance or what?!

Louann Brizendine, author of The Female Brain, reports that women also have many more “communication events” per day than men. Read on to see what she means by that.

She says this includes all that is communicated, beyond mere words. (I know you know exactly what I’m talking about because you experience this with all the women in your life, right?  Whether you’re interacting with your wife, girlfriend, daughters, female co-workers, etc., you are often left completely lost and confused because of the way we as women pick up on everything, whether spoken or unspoken).

Dr. Brizendine continues by citing that women tend to activate nonverbal communication cues through body language, eyebrow raising, and gestures.  And not only do women use more words per day compared to men (I know this is a big shock to all of you men), but women remember more words than men. This is how our brains are wired.

Stated another way, words have great value to females, whether they are communicated orally or in writing.

In relation to your daughter, these factors underscore the importance of speaking vitalizing words into her life because she holds on to words. The words spoken to her play over and over and over in her head, both positive and negative.

As her dad, your words can either suck life out of her or they can breathe life into her. It’s your choice.

Though I’ve often said that “a little Dr. Phil (McGraw) goes a long way,” I once heard him say something that has stuck with me: No relationship is neutral. At any given point you are either contributing to, or contaminating, the relationship.

In light of this, allow yourself to consider whether your communication with your girl is characterized most by:

• not speaking (which is neutral and therefore falls under the contamination category)

• speaking negatively to her or criticizing her (as a pattern)

• regularly communicating words of life to her (this includes loving correction as well as affirmation)

If you haven’t fully realized the value and impact of the words you speak to your daughter, start today by choosing daily to speak words of life into her.

Her soul and spirit need your truth so she can replay your words as a counterpoint to any negative self-talk or negativity she hears from others.

Why not stop what you’re doing right now and text her, email her, call her, Skype/FaceTime her, or write her a note (when you take the time to put something in your own handwriting, it makes it extra meaningful and girls love things like that)---just to tell her that you love her and are so thankful that you get to be her dad.

She’ll remember it forever. And trust me, she needs it.

Dad, your words have the power to build up or tear down, to heal or destroy. Be the positive, life-breathing voice in her head…today.

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Dear Dad…What I Wish I’d Said to You Years Ago

(I invite you to read this heartfelt letter I wrote to my dad for Father’s Day this year. And rest assured that much of what he’s done to invest in me over the years were things I wasn’t necessarily thinking were significant at the time. That part came later. I trust this will encourage you dads to keep staying the course as you make forever deposits in your daughter’s life, choosing to believe that the day will come when she will look back and remember).

Dear Dad…

Sometimes the beauty of growing older means that things look different from this angle. I know I’ve thanked you for your consistent investment in my life many times over the years, but this year I want to highlight some things that maybe I’ve not fully appreciated until now.

Thank you…
…for choosing, along with Mom, to let my birth happen. Even after finding out that you were pregnant with me before you were married, you took the high road and allowed for me to be born. People didn’t tend to be open about those things in 1960 and I am deeply grateful that you chose life.

Thank you…
…for letting me fall asleep on your chest, even as a newborn because it apparently was one of the only places I could settle down.

Thank you…
…for getting on the floor to play and wrestle while lifting me “high in the sky” and actually enjoying it even after a long day at work.

Thank you…
…for taking me to the park and hiding coins in the bark dust, letting me believe that it all magically appeared out of nowhere, and making me feel like the richest girl on the block (now that I think about it, I still am).

Thank you…
…for making up bedtime stories while we girls placed an imaginary “thinking cap” on the top of your head, the miraculous enchanted hat by which the all-time best stories were birthed from a dad who loved seeing his little girls giggle and dream.

Thank you…
…for going the extra mile to build unique and spectacular things that made your daughters childhood a bit better---from putting wheels on a milk crate and attaching handlebars so we had the best one-of-a-kind scooter imaginable (the envy of the neighborhood) to putting a light bulb in the corner of our kitchen cupboard to make the most fantastic cubby hole fort that ever existed.

Thank you…
…for making it a priority to take our annual all-day trek to get a Christmas tree and creating the fun tradition of singing songs repeatedly at the top of our lungs along the way, songs that still make Christmas beautiful when I hear them (“I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus” and “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth” were two of our greatest hits, don’t you think?).

Thank you...
…for creating memories with us girls that were 180 degrees different from what your dad did with you, making a concerted effort to walk in the opposite direction of the hand you were dealt while investing time and energy to be a dialed-in dad.

Thank you…
…for years and years of diligently accepting your role as the infamous “cutter-of-the-bangs.” And for the record, I do forgive you for the innumerable times the final result turned out less than we’d hoped for due to my cowlick. My fifth grade school photo, however, doesn’t feel the same way.

Thank you…
…for taking me on my first date to the Rheinlander when I was 16 and making me wait in the car until you came around and opened the door, telling me that you wanted me to never settle for a guy who didn’t do the same.

Thank you…
…for recusing me on the freeway when my car was broken down and all I could do was cry.

Thank you…
…for wiping my tears and rescuing me when my heart was broken down after a breakup…or two…or three and all I could do was cry.  

Thank you…
…for repairing every broken thing in my house that has ever needed your inventive, inexpensive, impressive, ingenious fix.

Thank you…
…for taking me to Nordstrom for the past 25 years at Christmastime where together we have smelled more scents than we could ever count while creating one of the best traditions ever:  Perfume Day! Every one you’ve bought me is a beautiful representation of your love for me, a love that knows how to spoil your daughter in a big, big way every year.

Thank you…
…for never giving up on me and for continuing to pursue a relationship with me throughout my entire life, even with all my emotional up’s and down’s and even during times where we bonk heads and disagree, always showing me that a dad’s love lasts throughout the lifespan.

I know that words can’t truly express how much I love you, but just know from the depths of my heart that you mean the world to me!  And in case I don’t tell you enough, just remember again today how grateful I am for every single deposit you’ve made in my life through the years, big and small.

Happy Fathers Day, Dad.

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Leaving a Legacy

One of the hardest things in life is facing death.

Though it’s inevitable, death never seems right. It never gets easier to handle and it never seems like we’ve had enough time with the ones we love.

I lost my aunt this week.

She’d been struggling with cancer for the past year and a half and although she fought hard last year, recently she said she knew it was her time to go. I saw her in the hospital a couple of weeks ago and as I held her head to my chest we both cried. The unspoken spoken. We knew she was nearing the end of her journey here on earth.

From her hospital bed she handed me a bright orange envelope with my name on it. It was my belated birthday card. She said that even though the girl in the picture was wearing orange shoes, for me they should have been red. We laughed as I told her that just the day before I had actually worn orange shoes so the card was perfect.

This morning I opened the card and reread it. “My prayers go with you all the days of my life.” Tears poured down my cheeks again as I was reminded that she really did pray for me. A lot. That’s one of the forever gifts she gave me.

I’ve been pondering the importance of legacy the past couple of days.

Of course it’s not a new concept, but at a time of loss the only thing I have left from her is the deposit she’s left on the inside of me.  

I’ve been reminiscing about her being one of the first female students to attend and graduate from a seminary here in Portland, Oregon. With her master's degree in hand, she sought to become an even better educator.

I’ve been reminiscing about her living in Brazil as a new wife and mother, leaving behind all she knew while courageously struggling to adapt to a culture that was foreign to her. But she did it, even with two young sons, the youngest who was born with Down Syndrome.

I’ve been reminiscing about the time when I was eight years old and got to spend the day with her in inner city San Francisco when she was a new teacher back in the late 60’s. With a multi-ethnic classroom, she was a forerunner in education, passionate about making learning fun for her students, all the while modeling to me what it looked like to be a vibrant, courageous, adventurous, risk-taking woman who loved making a difference.

Never have the words “more is caught than taught” been more true than they are right now.

Without knowing it then, my aunt was teaching me as much, if not more, than her students.  She let me get up close to her while she was doing what she loved. She let me smell what she smelled, see what she saw, hear what she heard.

This leads me to ask myself, and invite you as well, to honestly answer the question:

What kind of legacy am I leaving?

The reality is that though none of us will be around forever physically, we all leave a trail behind that leads the way for the next generation. As a dad to a daughter, you will be around forever in the deposit you leave in your daughter’s life.

I would encourage you to clarify anew today what exactly you want your daughter to hold inside herself as a gift from you for the rest of her life.

• Finish this sentence below and then write it on a card that sits on your desk
• Take a picture of what you write and look at it daily on your phone
• Tell her what it is you want her to never forget about why you love her

You never know when a day may be your last. Let today be the day you renew your focus to invest in your daughter’s life daily by choosing to intentionally deposit that which you want her to forever remember about you.

Be specific about how your love deposit will be expressed. And may the way you complete this sentence guide what you say and do from this day forward:

At the end of my life, if my daughter had only one thing to say about me,
I’d want it to be...   

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A Penguin’s View on Fathering

I’m not a girl who tends toward watching documentaries. But sometimes I wish I did since I know they make you smarter.

The reality is that my attention span isn’t long enough to hang in there through the entirety of these kinds of films. I think I border on the cusp of ADHD, which translates to my need to be a bit more active when diving into the deep end of learning.

That said, a couple of years ago I found myself completely caught off guard (and pleasantly surprised) when into my DVD player I popped the movie March of the Penguins after some friends highly recommended it. I had no idea it was an actual documentary or I may have resisted. But once the story began to unfold, I was mesmerized.

In case you haven’t watched it (or haven’t seen it in awhile since it was released in 2005), here’s a brief overview to set the scene:

• Emperor penguins annually march from the South Pole to their breeding grounds at the sea and then turn around to return home.

• he female lays a single egg, which is then incubated by the male (a.k.a. the female transfers care to the male).

• The male endures the violent Antarctic cold for over two months to protect his egg from extreme temperatures by standing while balancing it on his feet where it is insulated by a thick roll of his waterproof feathered skin called a ‘brood pouch.’

• The males huddle in groups to withstand the harsh winds and blizzards, taking turns moving towards the warm center of the pack, thereby sustaining the entire group.

• During this entire time the males eat nothing, resulting in the loss of up to a third of their body weight while waiting for their chicks to hatch.

• After laying the egg, the female makes her way to the distant sea to feed herself and then bring food back to her newborn chick.

• Once the female has returned, the male then makes the long trek over the ice, even up to 60 miles, to find food.

But before I go any farther, I have to share a couple of exact quotes from the movie that powerfully underscore the incredible role of the father and his relationship to his chick: (I know…can you believe how much of a documentary geek I am now?!)

“The penguin fathers will have gone without food of any kind for over 125 days and they will have endured one of the most violent and deadly winters on earth...all for the chick.

Then after the baby is born and before the father treks 70 miles back to the seas the father and his chick sing to one another, making sure each knows the other's voice. It is the only way the two will find each other when the father returns.

It isn’t long before the fathers return home, their bellies heavy with food. The chicks will gather at once to meet them and sound their calls. The returning fathers will circle the excited newborns and listen until he hears his chicks’ call…The return is a joyful one and very quickly the young’s belly will be full again."

My heart was deeply moved as I watched the very active role that every single one of the male penguins took in the nurturing and caring for their offspring, often at great cost to themselves.

I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this, so to state the obvious: Male penguins have it down when it comes to fathering!

I can’t help but think that if every human dad took note from these amazing creatures and emulated their behaviors, it would positively change our culture like never before.

Thus, without further adieu, here are the obvious take-aways, the clear directives, the vital life-giving action steps modeled directly by the male Emperor penguin to every father on earth if he wants to have a vibrant relationship with his daughter [or son]:

1. Step into your fathering role by sharing responsibility for your daughter’s care, ready to nurture and invest on a daily basis.

2. Be willing to endure the harsh elements (a.k.a. emotional storms that rage both inside her being----moods, reactions, responses----and outside herself---friendships, choices, activities, education, etc.) for longer than you’d prefer as you protectively hold her and allow her to “stand on your feet” while she becomes strong and secure enough to stand on her own.

3. Find other dads who are pursuing their daughter’s hearts and take turns in supporting each other (while standing close enough to hold each other up) in your goal to be an awesome, dialed-in dad.

4. Find the balance point between sacrificing your wants and needs with that of giving to your daughter’s needs in order to keep her alive.

5. Get close enough to recognize and know her unique voice (a.k.a. this means taking the time to listen to her talk), especially after busy seasons when you’ve been less available at home and in her life.

6. Let her recognize and know your voice too (this means time together sharing stories and creating positive memories).

7. Express joy when seeing her---which is an expression on your face that clearly communicates that you are happy to see her (which will go far in depositing love into the depths of her heart).

8. Lead her while feeding her spirit and soul with the overflow of your life as you seek to be well-rounded and healthy yourself.

This kind of action-oriented, sacrificial, attentive, and intentional gift from you as a dad to your daughter is something that money can’t buy and something that will subsequently equip her to fly from the nest and change the world because of your investment.

In closing, I’ll never forget the time in the early days of The Abba Project when I asked a group of busy dads why they were taking the time month after month to gather together and learn about fathering. After an uncomfortable 60-second pause (which felt like 60 minutes), one of them finally spoke up and said, “It’s because we love our daughters.” They all readily agreed.

There really isn’t anything a dad wouldn’t do out of love for his daughter, is there? Especially when it’s “all for the chick.”

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Three Little Words That Will Change Your Daughter’s Life (and they’re not “I love you”)

My dad, like every dad, has things he’s done right and things he’s done wrong when it comes to parenting.

There are things he’s proud of (especially the things that were 180 degrees different from what his dad modeled to him) and things he’d rather forget. 

But from my vantage point as a daughter there is one thing in particular that my dad did right, one thing that stands out among the rest, one thing that has touched my heart deeply and has gone a long way to remedy the mistakes, blunders, and the wishes for do-overs. 

It’s a little three-word response that my dad has said so many times over the years that I’ve lost count by now. They are simply:

“Anything for you.”

I wish I could play you a sound bite so you could hear his tone of voice when saying these words, but I assure you that they’re always said in a really kind way.  I don’t know how he’s pulled it off for decades now, but this is truly where he’s gotten it right time and again.

These words are grace.
These words are mercy.  
These words are generous. 
These words are unmerited favor.
These words are good for my heart. Really good. The hot-fudge-with-whipped-cream-and-sprinkles kind of good.

I can’t explain how three little words can change everything, but they do.

I’m guessing there are times my dad truly hasn’t wanted to step up to the plate and give of himself to meet my needs, but he doesn’t let me know that part.  He just says these three magic words and gives them as a gift to me.  

And because my “emergencies” and his schedule don’t always line up, this is definitely a priority thing on his part. Whether it was my broken down car on the side of the road, or my water heater that went out at 9 pm. and meant he had to drive over late at night when he’d rather be winding down, or the times he’s insisted on mowing my lawn despite his hip causing him pain and being in need of surgery.  He has cared about the things, little and big, that matter to me.

You may not know this but my dad literally lacked a role model in the fathering department. His dad was an alcoholic and abandoned the family when he was only seven or eight years old.  Suffice it to say, being a father was the last thing my dad had a clue about, especially being the father to four girls! But somehow he learned (and was willing to learn) from watching other dads, which proves that any dad can turn things around in his generation regardless of the template he’s been given.

Truth be told, sometimes life has a way of communicating and reinforcing a message to us women telling us that we ask too much. For me personally (when this view is in the forefront), I wind up believing that I need to prove that I’m tough and can navigate things on my own without asking anyone for help, let alone my dad. 

But this really isn’t healthy. Or good. Or realistic. 

It’s a paradigm that spells disaster because we’re created to need connection and relationship. Simon and Garfunkel understood this concept in spades as they captured the heartache of someone who is closed off from love in their 1965 hit song I am a Rock:

"I am a rock, I am an island. And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries." 

Bottom line:  1. Relationships dispel isolation.
2. It doesn’t work to be self-sufficient where we pretend to be without needs.  

Dad, you have the power and the privilege to meet your daughter’s needs, whether or not they seem legitimate or of high priority to you.  Listen to what she says and then offer to come alongside and offer your help.

Why not take the step today and add this life-changing vocal triad to your repertoire. 

You’ll get to watch the core of your daughter’s soul take flight as she hears you respond to her convenient and inconvenient requests with these three little yet BIG words:  

“Anything for you.”

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Dadvice: Soften Your Tone

I am hopeful by now that you, Dad, really know that I’m one of your biggest fans.  To underscore that fact, I have a tagline on my website that truly captures my heart, which is simply this: Helping Dads Become Heroes.

You’ve heard me say time and again that in order to be a hero, you have to take action. Think:  Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Iron Man. Now think: You.  

Truth be told, superheroes can’t hold a candle to you because you have the ability to take your superpowers and use them to touch your daughter’s heart and life in profound, forever ways. You as a superhero are the first man to love your daughter. That is your most incredible superpower.  

I know that you want to see your daughter grow and bloom and soar. I believe your deepest desire is to mold and shape her in ways that hold her in good stead throughout her life.

Yet because you’re a mere mortal and not super human, your mask and armor come off when you get home. That’s where things sometimes don’t always line up between your head and your heart. That’s where the emotional switch gets flipped on and buttons get pushed. That’s where you say things you later regret, leading to the need for making amends.

If I could offer one piece of advice to help you achieve your goal of being the best dialed-in dad you can be, I would say this:  

Soften your tone...

Or to say it another way:  Your tone changes your tune. Your daughter will hear you differently if your tone of voice is more gentle. 

I realize the word soft isn’t the most masculine of terms and yet if you want to see better results in the quality of your relationship with your daughter, trust me when I say it’s worth the work to hone this skill because your interactions will thrive as a result.

Over time I’ve come to discover, both from interacting with dads and daughters, that men don’t always realize how their intense their vocal tone actually is. In one fell swoop, those forceful words cut like a knife to the heart. To her heart.

Oftentimes as men you think you’re talking in a gentle tone to your daughters, but to them it sounds like a harsh command. They hear your words as an order being barked at them. I know you don’t hear it that way, and you’re confused because your sons never seem to have a problem when you talk to them like that, right?

And though fathers sometimes say that their daughters are the ones who have the tone problem because of their big emotional reactive responses, I would suggest that change has to start with you. If you stay soft, she will calm down. 

So how do you activate this stance of softening your tone?

1. Give yourself a time out.

And not just a random number of minutes. I suggest one that is synonymous with your age. I know that might sound crazy but it works in the same way with adults as kids. If you’re 50, then you need 50 minutes after being enraged or frustrated to calm down. Decide here on the front end that you will never set limits, correct or instruct when you’re angry and emotionally activated. Walk away and come back later. That way there’s less chance of saying something you’ll regret. It’s always a good idea to wait until your emotional midbrain has returned to its normal state before engaging in a potentially intense interaction. 

2. Find another dad to be accountable to.

I continue to be aware that men are most highly motivated when there is competition and/or camaraderie. So why not find another father who is working on softening his tone and then challenge each other to change the way you interact with your kids. Touch base at least once a month and encourage each other to stay the course. 

3. Ask your daughter for periodic feedback.

Since your goal is to nurture her heart space, why not use her feedback as a template to gauge how you’re really doing. Let her know you’re working on this and then invite her to give you input. This will add yet another layer of accountability as you ask your daughter to weigh in.

I have yet to meet a father or a daughter who doesn’t want their relationship to be healthier and stronger. And I have yet to meet a father or a daughter who isn’t happier and more hopeful when their relationship is on track and in harmony.  

But if the bridge has been bombed out between the two of you due to this exact issue of heart hurts, there is no better time than the present to soften your tone and change the dance.

She’ll be glad you did.  So will you.

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Dad, What is it About Women and Their Shoes?

A couple of weeks ago I was walking down the sidewalk and complemented a woman on her cute outfit, only to have her turn her head as she passed by and say, “I love your shoes!” 

In and of itself that comment might not be worth mentioning except for the fact that I’ve heard that exact same thing about those exact same shoes from so many women over the past five years (yes, my shoes are that old) that I’ve lost count! I don’t know what it is about them that catches the eye, but they’ve definitely been quite the conversation starter time and again. 

I even remember wearing them four years ago when my pastor interviewed me one Sunday morning about The Abba Project. Both of us sat on stools, which is significant to note because my shoes were apparently more readily seen from that vantage point than had I been standing.  

Fast forward to the next Friday as I stood in line at Staples while wearing my infamous pair of shoes when a women who had been in that church service sheepishly approached me and said, 

“I wasn’t sure if that was you but then I looked down and saw your shoes and definitely knew it was you!” 

Her comment was so delightfully funny to me that I took a picture of my feet right then and there and immediately shared the serendipitous story on social media. Suffice it to say, the responses poured in and my shoes again were the talk of the town! 

Of course, now that I have your curiosity stirred, I might as well show you what this notorious pair of footgear actually looks like:

All of this simply raises the question: What is it about women and their shoes? 

Because I write this blog to help fathers better understand, relate to, connect with, and dial in to their daughter’s heart space, it seems worthy of underscoring the fact to you dads that: shoes matter. 

Don’t ask why. They just do. 

Although I realize this all may sound a bit ridiculous, I might as well continue and say it another way: Maybe there’s a correlation between caring about your daughter’s heart and caring about your daughter’s feet. 

Since we’re on the topic of that which dons the foot, let’s go ahead and step into the land of pedicures, shall we? 

It’s the rare woman who doesn’t love a pedicure. I guess there’s something about being pampered and having beautiful toes that “meets a need” in us girls. 

Now I’m guessing that you may have had this thought cross your mind a time or two and if so, it may have sounded something like this: If God wanted you to have painted toenails, He would have made you with them. 

But that, my friend, is not going to get you very far if you really want to connect with your daughter. Of course painted toenails aren’t a necessity. But sometimes it’s those little, unnecessary things that you do that really show you care. Truth be told, it says so much about our worth and value when you, Dad, tune in to the non-essentials, not just the essentials.  

 And though I truly am saying this tongue-in-cheek, I guess this podiatry focus resonates with the heart of God in a way because He has gone on record as saying: 

"How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news.” 
(Isaiah 52:7) 

Perhaps if God Himself values beautiful feet doing a good thing, could it be that He also supports a dad who follows His example by valuing the same? 

All this to say, why not take a step forward and trust that your daughter will be blown away if you decide to show love to her feet. 

Think of it as supporting that which holds her upright as she stands solidly and confidently in who she is, grounded in the truth that her dad cares about the soles on which she is positioned. 

I doubt you’ll ever look at her feet the same after reading this blog. So why not use this as a springboard to invest in the beautiful feet of your precious daughter today. Trust me: she’ll be glad you did!

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