A Father’s Dilemma: Staying vs. Fixing || Guest Blog by William Sanders

Bill Sanders has become a friend of mine this year. As a courageous dad to two daughters, he shares his story here in a way that I believe will inspire you as a dad to stay dialed in to your daughter’s heart. -Michelle

“I was a broken child and dealt with things no child should have to go through. When many men would have run, he stayed. He stayed and led me through my own personal hell and he never strayed.” – Rachel

My 22-year-old daughter, Rachel, wrote those sentences this month as part of an essay for her college social sciences class. The essay started with the sentence: “The leader I admire the most is my father.”

What father wouldn’t want to hear that from his little girl?

I can assure you there were plenty of times over the years that I acted in ways that weren’t admirable. As a Christ follower, I clung to the Bible verse that says, "Love covers a multitude of sins." I believed that I always was parenting my two girls, Rachel and Laura, out of love. I still think that’s mostly true, but to pretend I didn’t act out of selfishness at times would is just that, pretending.

So, starting from the premise that I did not always act admirably, I asked myself: what did I do to deserve this kind of grace and love from my daughter?

I stayed.

Staying is such a boring verb, isn't it? We want to be more than stayers. As dads to daughters, we want to be heroic, larger than life, wise beyond our years. Most of all, we want to be able to fix things in our girls' lives.

As men, fixing is so much more appealing than just about anything else, right?

As far as being a handyman, I am lousy. I can’t fix anything around the house or on my car.

But I want to fix problems. I've wanted to fix my daughters, fix my wife, fix the neighbors (who most assuredly need fixing), and fix my waistline and my hairline. It's what we men do the best. (Not fixing things, but wanting to fix things.)

Here's the rub, though: I am unqualified, unequipped, and not called on by God to fix these people or relationships. Never. I am called to stay in the arena of their lives, to be present, to be salt and light, but not to fix. And neither are you.

Failing to fix the ones in our lives that we nobly want to fix, simply leaves us exasperated and anxious. And little by little, anxiety can kill us.

I’ve been talking to men more recently about their anxieties, and about mine. I've always thought I was a uniquely anxious man with a uniquely anxious family that needed, uh, fixing. But I'm not. And neither are you.

Regardless, I tried to fix Rachel. I was pretty sure she needed some well-intentioned tinkering. She had a severe anxiety disorder, one that is much better now, but it probably will always be a thorn in her side. In middle school she began having panic attacks. She became afraid to leave the house and afraid to be far away from me. I didn’t select the role of being Rachel’s emotional rock. My wife Jane didn’t ask for the role of being her logistical rock, either, or being the fierce advocate for her in school.  

These were the roles that Rachel assigned to us.

I became obsessed with my role, to the point of being an "enabler." The Oxford English Dictionary defines enabler as: “A person or thing that makes something possible.” I guess you could say that being her emotional rock became my identity. My happiness and wellbeing were dependent on Rachel’s happiness and wellbeing.  What a horrible burden to cast upon her. What a ridiculous expectation.

Somewhere along the way, even though I knew better, I became convinced that God was calling me to become all things to Rachel. I was to be her rock, to find a way to cure/fix her, to not rest until she rested, and to carry the burden of knowing that if I failed, she’d wither on the vine and eventually slide into an inescapable shell.

I’ve never heard God speak audibly to me. I tend to look at people funny who say they’ve experienced that, though who am I to judge? But I did get a clear sense that in my spirit, God was lovingly whispering to me:

“Hey my beloved knucklehead. What are you doing to yourself? I’ve got this. I called you to stay, not be her god. Stay. Stay in her life. Stay in the arena of battle, but only to hold her close, not to win the fight for her emotional wellbeing.”

Or something like that. The Bible urges us to cast our burdens upon God and to rest in Him.  I was not even close to doing either of those.

But I stayed, not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually, as well.

Men, staying was my calling. Yet I wanted a nobler calling. But turns out, it was plenty noble. For a dad as flawed as I was and still am, one prone to watching too much TV, who thinks he is funnier than he probably is, and who occasionally says the exact wrong thing at the exact worst time, staying was enough to have my daughter call me her hero.

I bet it might be for you and your daughter, too.
 

William Sanders spent 20 years as a writer and editor at daily newspapers, the last 12 of which were with the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. He admits to being as flawed as the day is long. His wife, Jane and his two (almost) grown daughters, attest to that, but they love him well despite those flaws. William chooses Jesus over religion, grace over law, and the kind of love that covers a multitude of sins over the right to be right. William and his family live in Atlanta, GA.
His memoir, "Staying: A Multi-Generational memoir of Rescue and Restoration," is available on Amazon, or through his website: http://www.william-sanders.com/

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Water With Words: The Key to Tending Your Daughter's Heart

Awhile back I bought four rhododendron plants that were luscious and green. I set them out by my back porch and kept an eye on them to make sure they were getting enough water. Additionally, we had gotten a good douse of rain that particular week (let’s hear it for living in Oregon!) so I figured they were good to go until I planted them. 

However, a few days later I checked on them, assuming they were still doing great, yet was shocked to see that they were barely hanging on. All the leaves were curled in, over half of the bushes had turned yellow, and now the poor plants essentially looked, at best, only half alive. Somehow, with the hot sun over the course of merely a couple of days, the soil had dried up and the plants didn’t get what they needed most: water.

When I wasn’t looking, the plants deteriorated fast.  

Because they needed water and weren’t getting it, they quickly faded and were in a dying process seemingly overnight. I was shocked at how quickly they went from life to death, while on my watch. Here I had planned on giving them a good home, so to speak, and due to my oversight and neglect, they almost didn’t make it.  

But the good news----and the shocking news----is that after one good watering, they sprung back to life in only a few hours. The speedy resurrection process caught me as much by surprise as the original rate of decline, reminding me that water changes everything.

Similarly, your daughter is like these plants. 

With the intensity of the environmental conditions around her, she can fade fast. And if you turn your head and look away for too long, you may be surprised at how quickly she can wither and wilt seemingly overnight, especially when she isn’t being watered with words of kindness, affirmation, encouragement, support, and validation.  

She needs you to “water her heart,” consistently and regularly. By that I mean that she needs you to speak words into her life that are life-breathing and replenishing.

I want to encourage you to be mindful of what you are saying to your daughter on a daily basis. Set your intention toward being a dad who pours refreshing words into the soil of your daughter’s heart so she can withstand the weather conditions around her through every season of the year.  

You, Dad, are a key factor in seeing your daughter flourish. Renew your commitment today to water her heart with your life-breathing words.

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True Story of a Dad Who is Grateful to be Alive

You can tell a lot about the real soul of a man by the way he speaks of his children.

You can tell even more about the real soul of a man by the way his children speak of him.

More specifically and in keeping with my dad-daughter focus, I would add that you can tell the most about the real soul of a daughter not only by how she talks of her dad, but by the smile on her face, the light in her eyes, and the way she turns her head. I guess you could say that her face tells the story.

Maybe it’s because of my profession where I have the privilege of getting up close and personal to heart stories or maybe it's because I'm a daughter myself or maybe it's because I am an observer of people and have seen it with my own eyes, but the unarguable truth is that when a daughter knows she is loved by her dad and feels the reality of his love, it shows. I guess you could say that her face tells the story.

When I meet a father who intensely loves his daughter, my spirit dances. I become almost giddy with joy as I watch their interaction. I smile and celebrate when hearing their stories. I even find myself flashing forward as I envision her as a confident, clear-headed young woman who believes she has what it takes to change the world, in large part due to the forever investment her dad has made in her life. I guess you could say that my face tells the story.  

Some might call me a naive dreamer, but I believe that our country will literally strengthen from the ground up if every dad in America will choose to invest daily while dialing in to his daughter’s heart space with greater intention and consistency than in any previous generation.

Why do I believe that? Because when a girl experiences authentic, unconditional, safe love from her dad she won’t go looking for a counterfeit. Her crap detector will pick up the imposter when she's internalized the pure and the real. 

With that backdrop I want to introduce you to one such dad who has poured his heart into his daughters' lives. 

Meet my friend Jay. He's the proud father of two daughters, Macy (13) and Ava (8). At first glance he may seem like any ordinary father. But if you look closer, Jay will inspire you to never again take even one day that you have with your daughters for granted.

Jay is 41 years old and has already battled an aggressive form of cancer, one that has resulted in multiple surgeries and harsh treatment regimens. Yet somehow in the midst of his battle he has not only found a way to connect with humor but he himself has been a beacon of light to those around him in this otherwise dark place. 

And though he credits his inner strength to his faith, he is quick to add, 

“To this day my father’s influence on my life impacts me. He had a quiet strength about him, and a peace that was obviously other worldly. Observing him gave me confidence that Jesus was real because He impacted my father’s life. And I wanted that, that same impact, in mine.”

I guess you could say that their faith tells the story.

You know, I wonder sometimes why we as human beings have to be pressed to the end of ourselves or the end of our lives to have clarity. I have watched Jay’s life and can honestly say that he is intentionally living each day to its fullest because he sees every day as a gift. He knows that each day is one more day he has to invest in his lives of his precious girls.

Last week his oldest turned 13. The poem he wrote to her melted my heart. Maybe it will yours, too. He wrote:

Macy turns 13 tomorrow. Needless to say I'm a bit emotional tonight.

I look down the hall
See you standing there
Looking in the mirror
Pretty curls in your hair
I know that someday soon
I'll look there again
And you'll be gone
Someday you'll move on
To a family of your own
A different place that you'll call home
For this moment though you're here
I'm your dad and we are near
For this moment I can reach out my arms
And hold you
What a gift this moment is
What an honor and a joy
To share this life with you
And be your dad

Jay and his girls, Ava and Macy.

Do you hear his tender strength in his words? Even if you’re not a poet like Jay, you can take his words to heart as you share in his perspective, one that sees into the depths of his daughter’s life, both now and in years to come.

I asked Jay how his diagnosis has changed the way he lives as a father to his girls, to which he said:

“It makes me look at them differently; it makes me treasure them more completely. I am here, right now, experiencing moments with them that there was no guarantee that I would. So each new moment is one that I am so grateful for--that they get to have it with a dad in their life. Sometimes I think the cancer hasn’t changed me much, but other times I realize it has changed every minute of my life, because I do have a different lens on that I see my family through. I’m grateful for the lens.”

I then asked him to tell me a bit more about how he fathers differently since being diagnosed:

“Sometimes I think in some areas I’m less patient. If the conflict is about something trivial, (and often conflicts are), I find myself having an internal dialogue about what’s really important in life, the big stuff, and how this isn’t it. So the challenge for me is to get to the heart of the matter in the trivial conflicts, and to find a way to love more in the way I handle them. Because even if the conflict is trivial, me loving them well through it is not.”

My last question to Jay was this: 

From the vantage point of a father who has faced and is facing his own mortality in ways beyond what many dads your age have faced, is there anything you would say to other dads (especially dads of daughters) that has become clear to you through your journey these past couple of years?

         “From the moment you wake up, you are getting messages sent to you from the outside. The majority of them that say that you need to something more, buy something more, have something more, and if you don’t you just aren’t quite succeeding. Your daughters are getting those same messages. From social media, from advertisements, even from friends and teachers. We, as their fathers, have the best chance to consistently send a better message, louder and more consistent than the others. That they are completely loved, now. That they are fully enough in your eyes simply because they exist and they are your daughter. They need to hear it, they need to know it, they need to feel it.”

Jay, as a dialed-in dad, you get it. You get how important it is that you look for ways to love more in the way you handle your daughters. You get that your daughters need to know that you love them just because they’re your girls.

And you say it best when you add that “in her few years left under my roof, I want to be a safe place for my daughter…to help her process the things she is being exposed to, even now. I want her to know that I care deeply about her soul, about her heart, about her identity. I want her to continue to know my love for her is so much deeper and stronger than any behavior let down she will ever have, so that she can always confide in me.”

Thank you Jay for speaking from your heart and for backing up your life with your lip. Thank you for opening up from the intensity of your real story and inspiring us all to live each day as if it were our last. 

On this Thanksgiving weekend you remind us all to be thankful, not only that we are alive but that we have today to make a difference in the lives of those we love.

Jay McKenney is the Minister of Creative Arts at Sunset Presbyterian where he has served for 10 years. He has been married to his wife Allison for 20 years, and has two daughters, Macy (13) and Ava (8).  In addition to family time, Jay enjoys photography, videography and health coaching.  You can see some of his love for photography at Mac in Black Productions on Facebook or @macinblackproductions on Instagram.

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What I Learned About Myself at my First All Men's Conference

I know I write a lot about encouraging dads to lead with vulnerability. I realize that can sound a bit cliché at times but the reality is that relational bonding and strengthening happen when we’re honest. It’s about choosing to disclose the less-than-admirable stuff, the imperfect stuff, and the insecure sides of ourselves. This is where we more deeply connect on a human level. 

I truly believe that if dads were more willing to let their daughters see them admit failure and talk about a few of their insecurities and flaws, even opening up about their fears, it would go a long way towards building stronger father-daughter bonds. 

Today I’ve decided that it’s my turn to practice what I preach. I want to put myself under the microscope as a daughter, as a woman, and open up about what it was like for me ten days ago while attending my first all men’s conference. I think it’s good when we can walk a mile in someone else’s shoes and this past week I got to put on some good old-fashioned, size 12, combat boots and try them on for size, despite swimming in the darn things.

You’ve heard me say over the last six years during my travels to Mars (Reference: Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus) that I’ve discovered that men would often rather do nothing than to do it wrong. 

Said another way, it’s easier sometimes as men to default to a passive stance with an unobtrusive posture, which is a less risky position when in unfamiliar territory. And we all know that this comes into play at various stages when fathering a daughter.

See if this sounds familiar: Your daughter hits puberty and you are completely lost because the playbook that used to work for parenting her now seems to be obsolete. So rather than admit embarrassment when you have no idea what to do or say or confess to the shame you experience after you’ve said the wrong thing at the wrong time (based on her intense response), it’s easier to get defensive or shift the focus to what she’s doing wrong rather than acknowledge that your own stuff got triggered. (It’s amazing how kids seem to know exactly how to find those hidden buttons and push every one of them, isn’t it though?)

This past week my buttons got pushed. At a men’s conference, of all places. Let me set the scene for you:

I walked into the exhibit hall and it was clearly a male domain. I cannot recall where I have felt more exposed or where I felt like I so clearly stuck out in all my life. It’s almost hard to put into words but I’d say it felt a little bit like being on the 25-yard line during a televised NFL football game while the cameras are zooming in closely to the ball right before kickoff. But in this scenario the ball is bright pink. And I’m the ball. Everyone is acting like it’s a typical game but truthfully we all know something is a bit different. And we’re all feeling it though no one is saying anything.

I’m not gonna lie: being so exposed wasn’t easy. I could feel all my insecurities rise to the surface. I didn’t know who to talk to. I didn’t know where I fit. I was a bit out of my element and wasn’t sure what to do with my awkwardness. 

But I had no other option than to sit in the discomfort while “feeling my feelings” (I know that may sound like a Venusian comment but, truth be told, it’s a human comment because we’ve all been created with the capacity to feel real emotion). I hadn’t anticipated it being quite this difficult until I was actually there. I wasn’t sure if maybe even some may have thought I was there to “crash their party.” But now that I was on site, it was game face on.

 NCMM Reload15 Conference in Golden, CO

So in a way that I can only describe as being consistent with my true self, I decided I’d jump in and talk with whoever was willing to engage in conversation. I had to put myself out there in order to secure any possibility of a positive outcome. 

Then on day two, I had the surprise of my life. After I gave my presentation, I unexpectedly experienced one of the most generous, kind, embracing outpourings of support from a group of men than ever before in my life! I had men affirming me left and right, encouraging me and telling me that I had “hit it out of the ballpark.” I share that not to sound egotistical but to say that I was blown away at the way they surrounded me and made me feel like I was accepted on their team as they stood there rooting for me. 

So why am I telling you this story?  Because I think that a lot of what I felt at this all men’s conference is akin to what you sometimes feel as a dad to a daughter. 

It’s when much of what is required doesn’t always come naturally or perhaps isn’t in your wheelhouse. It’s those times when you try to engage your girl but then, when you least expect it, your buttons get pushed----the inept, outnumbered, insecure, over-your-head, out-of-your-league, can’t-do-anything-right buttons that make you feel defeated before you even start. 

All of those realities are what I experienced this past week.

But here’s what I discovered about myself through this experience that I will translate into words that can apply to your daughter. I am hoping they will inspire you today to keep staying the course:

• Don’t walk away, concede, or give up when the challenge in front of you to connect with your daughter leads you to conclude that it’s too hard, or she’s not worth pursuing, during this particular stage of her life.
• Walk into the uncomfortable emotional spaces where real feelings exist because if you push through them, it means there’s a powerful opportunity to discover that you are more courageous than you thought you were.
• Get ready to discover relational surprises and miraculous results just around the bend, right past your fears or insecurities, or just to the side of intense relational realities.
• The unexpected reward is worth the cost and the risk.

I know we’re all in this together and you, Dad, are the reason I write these blogs each week, the reason I wrote my book, and the reason why I lead dads in The Abba Project. I want to live out the things I encourage you to do, and this week I had an opportunity to put into action the things I encourage you to do.

I want to challenge you right now to take time this weekend to walk into one fathering fear. 

Maybe it’s that talk you know would be wise to have about sex or God or boys or boundaries. Maybe it’s about making amends for something you know you said that hurt her while you choose to honestly admit your own humanity. Maybe it’s about doing something you know you need to do to get yourself in alignment so that your backstory aligns with the truth of who you are (ranging from engaging your own spiritual practices to anything you’re doing that doesn’t sit quite right with your core values).

Whatever it is, may you be courageous this week, and in the process, discover new things about yourself.

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Why I Sometimes Feel Sorry for You as a Dad

So Dad, I know that you don’t always have it easy when it comes to trying to understand your daughter. As a girl myself, I can truly say that much of the time we think you can tell what we’re feeling or needing or wanting just because mom does and it seems obvious to us that you should be able to figure us out, too.

That’s where my heart goes out to you, because I really do know that the art of mind reading isn’t something that's taught in any Martian courses I’ve ever heard of! (Reference: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus). It’s really not fair to you that we expect you to “get us” without us giving you any help or guidance. So here’s my attempt at putting words to some of what I believe is going on between you and your girl.

My summary of what I see when it comes to male-female communication dynamics is simply this:                 

             Men read on the lines and women read between the lines.

Men tend to be straightforward and say what they mean, and mean what they say. Not a lot of hidden agendas or hidden meanings. In fact, this is why most men are exhausted just trying to keep up with all the possible meanings that we women give to events, relationships, situations, themselves, outcomes, etcetera! 

Women, on the other hand, tend to pretty much read into everything. This is just how we’re wired. It’s a DNA thing, I guess you could say, because every woman I know has this same behavior going on. We try to rise above, yet deep down we’re always wondering if your tone or look or inflection or mood or stance—basically anything and everything that’s going on with you—could possibly mean that you’re mad or unhappy with us. We women excel at looking under, over, alongside, and through every conversation, every look, every voice inflection, and every facial expression. 

When it comes to daughters and dads, daughters are constantly reading between the lines of their interactions (or lack of) with their dads. Whether there’s a lot of interaction, little interaction, no interaction, reactive interaction, humorous interaction, or loving interaction, every single girl is interpreting every single interaction, good or bad, between her and her dad. 

She is continually sorting out who she is and where she’s going in life. She’s constantly wondering if she is “this enough” or “that enough” while questioning whether she’ll be able to keep up or make a difference or live out her own dreams for the future.

This is why her dad’s reflection back to her about the "truest truth" of herself helps her to understand and know herself better. 

Let me put it a bit more clearly...in a way that is stated on the lines, and not between them: 

If you, dad, laugh at her jokes, she tells herself, “I’m funny.”
If you discuss politics and world events with her, she tells herself, “I’m interesting.”
If you draw her out, asking her opinion about a fact, theory or line of thought, she tells herself, “I’m knowledgeable.”
If you ask for her help to fix something, she tells herself, “I’m capable.”
If you ask her to help you brainstorm about buying a present for mom, she tells herself, “I’m clever.”
If you applaud her for her achievements in sports, grades, music or work, she tells herself, “I’m competent.”
If you enthusiastically affirm her artistic endeavors, she tells herself, “I’m creative.”
If you celebrate her academic prowess, she tells herself, “I’m smart.”
If you actively listen to her while she is talking, she tells herself, “I’m engaging.”
If you teach her to say “no” and then respect her boundaries, she tells herself, “I’m strong.
If you light up and brightly smile upon seeing her, she tells herself, “I’m delightful.”
If you respect her opinions about topics ranging from literature to spiritual things, she tells herself, “I’m wise.”
If you treat her with kindness, understanding, tenderness, and love, she tells herself, "I'm worthy."

And on it goes. There is no end to the impact on a daughter from the messages her dad gives her. 

The bottom line is this:

Head, or cerebral, interactions rest ON the lines.

(they are predictable, factual, informative, and content-driven) 

Heart interactions rest BETWEEN the lines.

(they are intuitive, connected, emotional, sensitive, and heartfelt)

The clearer a dad’s positive messages are to his daughter, the less reading between the lines she will need to do. She will thrive as she knows and feels that her father delights in her. 

Why is this? Because when a girl feels her dad’s heart turned toward her, she believes there is nothing she can’t do because her father knows best. She then is free to be all she was created to be.

Let this day be one where you make a decision to grow in reading between the lines of your daughter’s life by getting closer to her heart space to hear what she’s saying. Practically speaking, this could look simply like affirming her when she least expects it or choosing to write her a note to encourage her “just because” or even surprising her at school with her favorite coffee drink or smoothie to let her know she’s your treasure and you are so glad to be her dad.

These action steps, my friend, will go a long way toward helping you read between the lines in your daughter’s life because you’ll be targeting her heart needs in ways that speak loud and clear to her. 

And the more you practice reading between her lines, the clearer her headlines will become. 

Lastly, here's a printable handout entitled "Dad, Here are Your Lines."  Hopefully, it will come in handy whenever you're trying to bridge the communication gap with your daughter!

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Heart Turns Yield Great Returns: An Investment Strategy for Dads of Daughters

When I launched The Abba Project in January of 2010, it came on the heels of reading a story in the New Testament that particularly struck me. It was about a dad named Zechariah who was told that his son, John, would help “turn the hearts of fathers to their children.” For some reason, the way those words were strung together jumped out at me differently than it ever had before. 

At that time, the main thing I took away was that I was being given a really amazing yet daunting assignment to help equip dads to be more intentional with their daughters. As time’s gone on, however, I’ve pondered the significance of the carefully scripted, unusually worded phrase, “turn the hearts of fathers.” 

I’ve never had anyone ask me to “turn my heart” toward them, have you? 

A much more common expression is “turn my head.” Turning our heads is so instinctive and automatic that we don’t think about it when it happens. We just do it, in response to motion, to noise, to anything that catches our attention. Turning our heart, it seems, isn’t so reflexive. It’s directed by a decision, a choice, maybe even a passion. 

For most dads, it’s far more natural to tune in and engage at the head, or cerebral, level. Turning the heart is typically more difficult for a man to do. 

Most girls I’ve known have told me they need and appreciate intellectual input from their dads. After all, it’s usually dad who helps her figure out everything from filling out a FAFSA (federal student aid form) to opening a bank account. The reality is that we need and value our dad’s rational, logical, intelligent minds to help us navigate life.

This then raises the question: Why did God talk about heart turns and not head turns?

I firmly believe that a turned heart from a dad to his daughter will do more to deposit love, confidence, value, and strength into her life than anything else he could do.

A turned head:

• implies that information is being exchanged. 

• means that something or someone has caught the attention of another as mental activity is stimulated. 

• is the seedbed of thought and deliberation, of consideration and contemplation.

• is where choice originates and decisions are birthed. 
  
  The language in the story of Luke about a turned heart is less intuitive for men and takes more work than a turned head. 

And I figure that God must have written this directive about a turned heart for a reason, which means that not only is it possible for dads to do it, but it also must be important or he wouldn’t have worded it this way. Because this language is intentional, it invites the question whether there’s a difference between a dad turning his head and turning his heart. 

A turned heart:

• implies emotion and connection. 

• can bypass thought, perhaps even words. 

• is responsive, engaged, heartfelt, and receptive. 

• communicates a depth of openness and availability as there is congruence between what the eyes say, the mouth speaks, and the heart expresses. 

• is about authentic, open, tender, honest interaction based on a foundation of unconditional love and acceptance. 

And a girl can tell if her dad has his heart turned toward her or if only his head is turned. 

Case in point: You’re watching the game. It’s your team against Notre Dame. Fourth quarter. Score is tied. She comes in crying. You tell her you’re listening. One ear toward her. One ear toward the game. One and a half eyes on the game. Half an eye on her. Bad timing. Dilemma.

If you’re serious about turning your heart, expect to be inconvenienced. 

As you head into this next week, why not set a goal to consciously raise your awareness and ask yourself every day if your heart is turned towards your girl. Use the above list that clarifies what a heart turn looks like to assess whether you’re getting close enough to see her eyes, feel her emotion, and hear her words.

I cheer you on today, Dad, and trust that your heart turns this week will outnumber your head turns. Become an expert “heart turner” and your daughter will be the beneficiary of your efforts!

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The SCARY Side of Fathering a Daughter

Since tomorrow is Halloween I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to do a little play on words as I write my Dad-Daughter Friday blog this week. Enjoy!

I’ve interacted with a lot of dads over the past six years, hearing stories not only about their love of being a father to a daughter, but also about their legitimate ambivalence over the enormity of the task. Here’s my synthesis of those conversations, which I’m simply calling “the SCARY side of fathering a daughter.”  

This emotional reality for dads take place when:

• she requires more of your words, time, money, and energy than you had expected or realized when she was in the womb
• her moods change faster than you change your socks and you literally cannot always keep up or figure her out
• she asks you the hard questions that aren’t just about why the sky is blue and the world is round, but instead wants to know about your past and mistakes you’ve made because she wants to know the truth about who you really are
• you wake up one day and realize she’s not a little girl anymore and now “that boy” seems to have taken up residence in her heart space, in the exact same place that used to have a “No Boys Allowed” sign on the door
• you blew it and got angry and have the renewed awareness that you have the power to damage your precious flower in one fell swoop if you’re not careful
• you fear the outcome as you tentatively walk into her room, all the while feeling the cold prickly chill in the air and noticing that her emotional walls are up, yet you go in anyway as you seek to break through the wall
• you face the fact that the older she gets you really have little to no control over what she does when she’s outside your house because now it’s time for her to make her own choices (ones that may not line up with “the way you raised her”)
• you realize you are a physical representation on earth of her Father in heaven and are keenly aware that this assignment is way over your head

Dad, do any of these things bring up fear inside your soul? I imagine they do.

I realize there’s not a one-size-fits-all solution to take care of the intense realities that you face as a father. But at the same time, I believe that the little things you do can yield big dividends.

I’d like to suggest a five-step path to support your heart goal of being a dialed-in dad even with the frightening and confusing dynamics that may rise inside you. When the task at hand requires more than you sometimes believe you can master here are a few things to keep in mind. I’ll use your five senses for easy recall on how to press in order to pursue your daughter’s heart:

1. See… Make eye contact with her every day. And because they say that “eyes are the window to the soul,” you’ll be able to tell how she’s really doing if you get close enough to look into her baby blues (or browns or greens). In an often hostile world, your eyes of love will go a long way toward making her believe she’ll make it because she’ll see her reflection of worth and value in the mirror of your eyes.

2. Hear… Active listening means leaning forward, nodding your head, setting down your remote and cell phone while paying attention to what she’s saying (long as it may be). If you repeat back the words she says it will help you stay engaged rather than zoning out or inactively listening, especially if you’re tired after a long day or are honestly disinterested in the drama encircling her life. Remember that her world is centered around relationships and when you listen with patience and kindness, it lets her know she matters to you.

3. Smell… Did you know that our sense of smell syncs with the part of our brain that is tied to learning and emotion? Because we link scents to events, you can help create a bonding, soothing, positive memory experience for your daughter (particularly if she’s in “one of her moods”) by enhancing the aromatic space around her. Practical Idea: Buy her a candle or perfume of her favorite scent to use as aromatherapy when she’s stressed. Calm daughter = calm dad. Better said: Compassionate, patient, steady dad = calm daughter.

4. Taste… It’s hard to be upset when enjoying a fun tasty treat that I like to call a “happy flavor.” (If you’ve ever tried Passion Tea Lemonade at Starbucks, you’ll know what I mean). As a way to stay current with your ever-growing daughter, find out what her favorite tastes are and then find a way connect via that food or drink. You could even surprise her by bringing her that favorite food to brighten her day. (A current Abba Project Dad just drove to his 17-year daughter’s school during lunch to bring her a favorite meal. She can’t stop talking about it! Way to go dad. You created a forever memory!)

5. Touch… If safe touch calms babies, how can it not be what we still need as we age? Find a way to make physical contact with your daughter every day. Embrace her with a hug. Kiss her cheek. Squeeze her hand. Give her a high five. Wrestle with her. (A recent Abba Project Dad said that he stopped wrestling with his 18-year old daughter as she developed physically around the age of 13, but then started doing it again while he was in the group. The results of their re-engaging with healthy, interactive physical contact was positively amazing to their relationship!)

Whatever age and stage your daughter is in can be the perfect time to let your five senses lead the way to actively communicating love to your girl.

Let today be the day you take action so that the SCARY side to fathering loses its grip. By proactively moving beyond your fear, you will be going the extra mile to prove to yourself and to your daughter that real dads don’t back off when they’re scared!

Go Dad!

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Dear Theresa...(My Letter to a Fatherless Daughter)

Meeting you this past weekend changed me. You are extraordinary. You are courageous and fierce. You are a warrior. And at only 15 years old you are a heroine in my eyes.

Hearing your story about your dad leaving years ago and not looking back touches me deeply. I am still grieving with you and for you.

Hearing that your dad has a new girlfriend who seems to have captured his gaze rather than seeing you makes me sad with you and for you.

I’m not just sad for the here and now impact to your heart, but I’m worried that you might end up believing that you aren’t beautiful enough to capture a guy’s attention. Please don’t ever settle for anyone who makes you feel less than the exquisite gift that you are.

Hearing that your dad hasn’t called you for two birthdays in a row but that you’ve had to call him makes my heart ache with you and for you.

Hearing that your dad does things with your brother and not you leaves me feeling emotionally heavy because you are most likely internalizing a message that you are lacking, that you are not valuable, and that you aren’t worthy of his time. I hurt with you and for you.

Hearing that you and your mom now live in a homeless shelter as a result of all this, where you have to navigate public transit across vast areas of the city due to being uprooted and displaced renders me almost speechless, with an intense combination of dismay and anger. I’m overwhelmed with you and for you.

Hearing that you still long for a relationship with your dad who seems to have forgotten you brings me to tears for you.

I know you said that you stopped crying years ago. But I felt your tears deeper than your words, tucked just behind the internal valve where you shut them off awhile back. Please know that your tears are a sign that you are alive and real, that you have a precious heart that feels deep. Don’t interpret crying as a sign that you are weak and pathetic.

You, my dear, are strong and brave because you are still upright. You are strong and brave because you aren’t bitter. You are strong and brave because you get up every day and go to school and have relationships and love God and embrace people. You are strong and brave because you have dreams beyond where you are right now. Never stop dreaming!

Please know that your dad’s failure to give you what you’ve needed isn’t about you. It’s his stuff, not yours. His inability to be a father who notices you, makes time for you, pursues you, invests in you, and celebrates you is not because there is something wrong with you. Honey, it’s your dad’s own brokenness that keeps him from being a dialed-in dad.

On the darkest of days when your deepest self wants to believe the lie that you don’t matter because of the way your dad has treated you, just know there are truths beyond what you’ve experienced. These truths exist because they are rooted in the One who makes these promises and stands by them.

Your Abba Dad adores you just for being you.

Your Abba Father created you and wove you together perfectly. He knew you before you were born and He delights in you!

Your Abba Daddy calls you His own and will never, ever, for any reason, at any time in your entire life ever abandon or reject you.

Your Abba Father has your name tattooed on His hand and will always remember you by name (if you want proof of this, read Isaiah 49:16).

Your Heavenly Father loves you with a forever love and cherishes you every minute of every day. His consistent love for you will never stop.

And last, remember that you share a name with one of the most honored and respected women of all time: Mother Theresa. Her legacy remains because she brought genuine compassion to those who hurt, those who were marginalized and rejected, and those whom society deemed worthless and undesirable. Her dad died when she was only eight years old and some speculate that he was poisoned by his political enemies. I have no doubt that similar to you she experienced fear due to these intense circumstances. She too had to navigate life without her father around.

And just like your namesake, you can turn your pain into your passion. You can invest deeply out of the well that has been dug deep inside you. Your calling isn’t fully in view yet but you can change the world as your longings are funneled by love.

Theresa, you are a treasure. To me. And to your Abba Dad.

Thank you for the impact you’ve made on my life this week.  

With love, Michelle

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Dad, Help Your Daughter Find Her Voice

I’ve heard it said that communication is 7% words, 38% tone of voice, and 55% body language.

If you do the math, you’ll see that this means that 93% of communication is nonverbal.

How’s that for significant? This little statistic serves as a reminder that as a reflective listener, we often say more by what never comes out of our mouth.

Think back to a time when your daughter tried to tell you something when you weren’t fully dialed in. Then (in your estimation) she reacted in a way that seemed entirely inappropriate to the situation. And there you were, completely dumbfounded because you had no idea how she leapt from a zero to ten in intensity over something seemingly insignificant. At least to you.

Two words: nonverbal communication.

In his book Dads and Daughters, Joe Kelly talks about the importance of a dad tuning in to his daughter’s voice:

"Girls tend to be a riddle to fathers. Like any mystery, the relationship with our daughter can be frightening, exciting, entertaining, baffling, enlightening, or leave us completely in the dark; sometimes all at once. If we want to unravel this mystery, we have to pay attention and listen, even in the most ordinary moments."

Why? Because a girl’s voice may be the most valuable and most threatened resource she has.

Her voice is the conduit for her heart, brains, and spirit. When she speaks bold and clearly—literally and metaphorically—she is much safer and surer.

Dads, I can’t underscore enough how intensely vital it is that you help nurture these qualities in your daughter.

I share below some responses from girls between the ages of thirteen and thirty to the questions, "What is something your dad doesn’t understand or know about you?" "What would it be like if he knew?" As you read, listen to these girls’ heart cries to be heard, known, and embraced by their dads.

• “I don’t think he understands that I can handle things by myself sometimes and that I’m not a little girl anymore. I also don’t think he understands that I don’t like the way that he asks to know things, and doesn’t really even listen to me when I talk.”
   
• “I care what he thinks and I am not as stoic as I seem. I don’t know what it would be like if he knew about it, but it scares me to think about him knowing that I am vulnerable.”
   
• “I don’t think he understands how I could have sex at such a young age, but also I know that he doesn’t know that I have had an STD before. It would be weird if he knew about the STD because that isn’t something a father wants for his little girl.”
   
• “My dad doesn’t know that for about six years I truly believed that he didn’t like me. I felt like everything I did annoyed him and irritated him. I thought I didn’t live up to his expectations. I would tell my mom this all the time and ask, ‘Does Dad hate me?’ I wasn’t doing it for attention. I internally, 100% believed that he didn’t like me and didn’t want a relationship with me. It hurt so much feeling like my own father didn’t like me.”
   
• “Something he doesn’t know is the pain that I will always have about some things in our family. I’ve told my mom about it, but I’ve never told my dad. I know he’d just blow me off and say, ‘There’s nothing I can do about the past.’ He always says that.”
   
• “There are a lot of things he doesn’t know about me—just because we don’t talk that much and aren’t that close. I don’t share many details of my life with him. But on a bigger scale, I am not sure if he realizes how much his parenting affected me and how much he hurt me.”

Dad, do you hear the heart longings in every one of these daughters to be special to her dad?

This is a need, not a want.

My friend Emily is a wife and mother of two boys. While choosing to parent differently than she was raised, she tells of the pain she felt growing up because her dad “was always too busy for her.” She talks about him being around physically but not emotionally or mentally. He was a pastor and was doing “God’s work,” and she knew she couldn’t compete with that.

Emily recalls sheepishly knocking on the door of his office at the age of seven and being afraid that she was a bother to him. His responses usually confirmed her worst fears. Not only has she carried around debilitating fears like an invisible knapsack ever since, but her childhood insecurities have continued to intersect with every relationship throughout her life. She and her dad have come far in repairing their relationship. Emily is working on healing and letting go. She’s finding her voice. It’s beautiful.

Be a dad today who helps your daughter to find and use her voice.

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Dad, Here’s Why You Want Your Daughter to Push Back, Fight, and Even Disagree With You

Most dads I’ve talked with tell me they want their daughters to grow up to be confident, empowered, emotionally healthy women who are strong in their morals, convictions, and beliefs. But what happens when your daughter pushes the boundaries at every turn and challenges the values you are trying to instill, despite your best efforts?

Let me tell you the story about a 24-year old young woman named Danielle.

Danielle is the youngest of four children and is one of those girls who has always loved to push the boundaries. At home. At school. In relationships. Simultaneously, she is a self-proclaimed “Daddy’s Girl” who says that the worst thing imaginable would be to disappoint her dad.

Honestly, Danielle has contributed to the bountiful population of grey hair on the heads of both her mom and dad. And all three of them would tell you that the highs and lows of life have been way more extreme than any of them would ever have chosen or thought possible.

Yet somewhere in the midst of six to seven very challenging years, Danielle has emerged into a young woman who has now found her voice. She has gone from being a self-described “victim” to an assertive, bold, straight-forward, confident, gutsy young woman.

She would tell you that none of this would have been possible without her parents' support. More specifically, she would tell you that none of this would have been possible had her dad pulled away and stopped loving her through the process.

In her own words Danielle says, “Truthfully, I think that had my dad pulled away and stopped loving me through the hell I put him and my mom through, I would have lost myself even more than I did. And to even think about that being a possibility back then, is a scary thought.”

So here you are as a dad who wants to launch your daughter into adulthood in the best way possible. But sometimes I’ve discovered that dads with this intention are also the same dads who want their daughters at home to:

• obey without question
• compliantly follow their rules
• stop most (or all) intense emotion, and
• not use their voices to assert themselves, especially if it’s in opposition to her parents values

Dad, if you truly want to assist your daughter in her voice-finding venture, here’s something to keep in the forefront of your mind:

I realize that it’s hard work to listen when you have no margin after a long day.

I understand that it’s hard work to stay calm when she’s wordy or mouthy.

I acknowledge the fact that it’s hard work to track with her when her emotional intensity is as unpredictable as the weather and seems to come at the most inopportune times...

            Danielle and her parents today!

Yes, this will take a boatload of strength on your part, especially when you want her to stop wrestling through the tough issues of life---from rules or guidelines to spiritual questions to boundaries. Just keep reminding yourself that if you want her to be strong and bold then you as her dad have to set the foundation for her to be a critical thinker by going through these ups and downs with her.

• Be her sounding board as she talks things out.
• Be patient with her in the process of figuring out what she thinks, believes, wants, needs, and dreams about, especially when it deviates from your hopes and ideals.
• Be a role model of patient steadiness, remembering that she will change her mind probably a dozen more times in the next few years regarding what she thinks, believes, wants, needs, and dreams about.

She’ll come through it one way or another. And with your loving acceptance she’ll figure it out, even if she’s off course here and there on that journey (according to your values or timetable, that is).

Like Danielle says, “If there is one piece of advice I could give other dads struggling with their relationship with their daughter, it would be to NEVER give up on her and NEVER make her feel anything less than a beautiful deserving young woman that can accomplish anything she wants to in life. Maybe she will shut you out at first, but that doesn’t mean you should give up on her. She needs someone to fight for her and show her she is worth so much more.”

As your daughter matures, she will be all over the map in knowing how to properly use her voice. But like anything in life, the only way to gain expertise is with practice.

Let her practice using her voice with you, Dad.

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