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For more information about any resources I have to offer, please contact me here!  I'd love to hear from you!


Portland, OR
USA

I exist to help dads learn to communicate and engage with their young adult daughters.  I provide resources from my vast amounts of research and experience with dads and daughters, and this is the place where you'll find the tools you need to become the hero you've always wanted to be.

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Blog

How to Raise a World Changer

Michelle Watson

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I’ll let you in on a little secret: I want to be a world changer! 
 
Stated more specifically (and with a lot more words!): I want to leave a lasting legacy of equipping fathers with better tools to intentionally and consistently pursue their daughter’s hearts, resulting in a culture that is influenced by healthy women who love with passion and lead with strength.
 
With that goal in mind, you can imagine my piqued interest when I saw the cover of Time Magazine a few months ago where the entire periodical was dedicated to one primary theme: 

FIRSTS : WOMEN WHO ARE CHANGING THE WORLD

Donning the cover was a beautiful African-American woman by the name of Ava DuVernay who was noted to be the first black women to direct a film nominated for a Best Picture Oscar. Though I'd never heard of her, I was thrilled that she was being honored publicly as a significant female influencer. And under Ava’s picture, there was a list of numerous other women who were highlighted as firsts in their respective fields.

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These women ranged from military heroines to those with financial success to brilliant entrepreneurs to accomplished athletes to governmental officials and on it went. Among those noted as powerful change-makers were Oprah Winfrey, Aretha Franklin, Barbara Walters, Sheryl Sandberg, Selena Gomez, Serena Williams, Madeline Albright, and so many others.

As I opened each page in the magazine, I was inspired by courageous women who ranged in age from 16 to 87, all who didn’t let the glass ceiling hold them back. I was intrigued to read that many of these women credited those who sought to stop them in their pursuits as being motivators in their stories. (Now that’s the epitome of resilience!) And although some of them talked about struggling to find their place “in a man’s world,” it was incredible to hear how many of them were championed by men in their lives.
 
But beyond talking about the impact of supportive men in general, many of these world changers noted that she had a dad who played a huge role in her success. 

For some reason, that piece of information caught me by surprise. And even though I spend much of my time focusing on the dad-daughter relationship, I wasn’t expecting these high achievers and national icons to talk about their father’s influence. Yet I was beyond excited to read about powerful women whose dads celebrated them!
 
Here are three stories in that article that caught my attention and I believe you’ll enjoy them too:

Philanthropist Melinda Gates is the first woman to give away more than $40 billion and she said, “If your dad believes in you, that’s important to young girls because if your dad thinks you can be good at math and science, good at business, good at anything, it lifts your confidence and your self-esteem.”

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Loretta Lynch is the first black woman to become U.S. Attorney General and she recalls how her father, a Baptist minister, defied convention when he invited women to preach at his pulpit. Clearly this was not the norm back in the 60’s and 70’s.
Here is what she had to say about her dad: 
“My father was always fighting a fight for someone…I saw my father advocate for women to serve in leadership positions in his church. For him, talent could not go unrewarded. So from him I got the view that there were no limitations just because I was a girl…The aspirations and dreams he had for my brothers were the same ones he had for me.


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Singer Aretha Franklin was the first woman to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and said, “The first songs I sang in church were ‘Jesus Be a Fence Around Me’ and ‘I Am Sealed.’ I was around 8 or 9. My dad asked me to sing that day. I didn’t want to sing in front of an audience. But he heard the possibilities and he continued to encourage me, and thank God he did.”


That is honestly one of the most powerful ways I’ve ever heard to frame the way that a father directly influences his daughter: Dad heard the possibilities and continued to encourage

Daughters need their dads to HEAR the possibilities they don’t HEAR.
And daughters need their dads to SEE the possibilities they don’t SEE.


In other words, we daughters need to borrow our dad’s wisdom and insight and belief in us until we are able to own it for ourselves.
 
Dad, if you want to raise a confident daughter who believes in herself and steps forward to change the world around her for good, be assured that you are part of that equation and your input really does matter in the big scheme of things
 
Here’s your challenge today: Look for something specific in your daughter that you can highlight and celebrate, something that makes her smile and light up, even if she’s not good at it yet. Especially if she’s not good at it yet. (She has to start somewhere, right?).
 
And when you help your daughter hear the possibilities she can’t yet hear and see the possibilities she can’t yet see, she’ll have what she needs to become a formidable young woman who believes that anything is possible because she’s got you in her cheering section!

The Science and Power of your Heart Brain (Guest Blog by Dr. Margaret Nagib)

Michelle Watson

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Dr. Margaret Nagib is a long time friend and one whose wisdom continually inspires me. I recently interviewed her on The Dad Whisperer, and after receiving such powerful feedback, I invited her to share her insights here so all of you can glean from her wisdom too. Enjoy!  ~ Michelle

Have you ever stopped to notice how many phrases we use to refer to the one part of our body that generates our physical pulse: our heart?

You can ‘listen to your heart’ and ‘know your heart’, discern the ‘heart of a matter’ or have a ‘change of heart.’ You can be careful to ‘guard your heart,’ and avoid having it broken or stolen, but when you are with someone you love, you may ‘give your heart away.’

You can do something ‘to your heart’s content’ or ‘halfheartedly’ if you decide your ‘heart’s not in it.’ You can even ‘pour your heart out’ while having a ‘heart to heart’ talk. You may be known as a ‘heartthrob,’ a ‘sweetheart,' or a ‘cold-hearted heart-breaker’. You can ‘know by heart, ’‘lead from your heart,’ or make a fashion statement by ‘wearing your heart on your sleeve.’

All this to say, we believe our hearts to be more than a simple pump.

And the latest heart science backs this up. Research has shown the heart is the driving force of our biological system and is highly complex with a functional brain.

The ‘heart brain,’ as it is called, actually enables the heart to learn, remember, and make functional decisions independent of the brain’s cerebral cortex (which is the part of our brain with four specific lobes that are each responsible for processing different types of sensory information.)

It is fascinating to consider that the heart communicates information via electromagnetic signals to the brain and body that influence our behaviors and choices, as well as the way we process emotions. 

The brain has an electromagnetic field of about an inch, but with our heart there is an even larger scope of impact with an electromagnetic field that releases five to twelve feet outside of our body while simultaneously permeating every one of our internal cells. 

Unlike other organs in our body, the heart’s electromagnetic field is charged with emotion that it encodes and then sends throughout that field. The emotions that the heart radiates affects the social climate around us. We undeniably affect other people with what we send through this electromagnetic field.

What this means for you is that while you can’t read your daughter’s mind, you can read her heart!  

The opposite also applies. She is a curious and sensitive creature who can pick up on the emotions you are experiencing. 

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Since our thoughts and emotions transmit outwardly via our heart’s electromagnetic field, you can have a powerful positive (or negative) affect on your daughter without saying a word or even being aware of it, even when you’re a distance away.

In addition to affecting the emotional climate within and around us, heart brain science has proven that when we focus on strong positive emotions, like love, this has powerfully positive effects on:

·    emotional balance
·    synchronization of multiple systems within the body
·    increased parasympathetic activity (calming response)
·    harmonious functioning
·    physical health and vitality.

Both you and your daughter can experience the powerful positive affects that accumulate over time by learning to harness the power of positive emotion being sent throughout the body via its electromagnetic field. 

A great way to address the connection between your physical heart and emotional health is through a simple focus and breathing exercise designed to increase what scientists call our “heart’s coherence.” When you engage in this exercise in as little as five minutes a day, the heart rhythm reaches a coherence state which is ideal for experiencing physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. 

Try practicing these three easy steps to maximize the powerful benefits:

1. Heart focusguide your attention to your heart.
2. Heart breathingfocus on your breath and imagine breathing in and out of your heart.
3. Heart feeling (This one is the most important!): while breathing, focus on something that evokes a positive emotion to re-experience it in the current moment. This involves focusing on or recalling a time when you felt a positive emotion like the feeling of loving someone or something, or the experience of feeling loved by someone else. The goal is to re-experience love in the current moment. This, combined with heart focus and heart breathing, can greatly improve your overall mental health and physical well-being.

This exercise will not only help you improve your own well-being, but when it is combined with the awareness that your state can positively affect others, you can begin to have an amazing and powerful affect on those around you. 

Dads, your heart is your most powerful weapon. And when a father is connected with his heart, it influences everything he does. Let your daughter feel your love for her today as your heart brain leads the way…even from twelve feet away!


If you’d like to listen to Dr. Margaret talk more about this concept, you can listen to her interview with Dr. Michelle on The Dad Whisperer.


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Dr. Margaret Nagib is a clinical psychologist with a private practice in Wheaton, IL and specializes in spirituality, inner healing and treating eating disorders, trauma, addiction, self-injury and mood disorders. For over 20 years, she has provided individual, family and group therapy.

She is the author of Souls Like Stars: Renew Your Mind, Heal Your Heart, Unveil Your ShineSozo for Professional Counselors: Integrating Psychology and Inner Healing to Restore Individuals to Wholeness and Soul Making: A 12 week Group-Based Sozo Experience.

How do You Define a Hero? Let's Ask Meghan McCain

Michelle Watson

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America mourned the loss of a national hero last week, that of 81-year old Senator John McCain.

Perhaps you viewed the televised services where his family, friends, and colleagues celebrated, highlighted, and honored him for the profound impact he had on their lives. I watched some of the memorial service as it aired live and I was deeply touched by the tributes that were shared about him, namely that he was a man who spoke his mind freely with conviction and one who fiercely pursued his friendships, regardless of gender, financial status, or political standing. 

I don’t know about you, but those are qualities I truly admire in a person.

Regardless of which side of the political aisle you sit on, I imagine that most every one of us would agree that this man gave much of himself to our country because of his love for America. John McCain invested his time and energy for the causes that were close to his heart over the course of three and a half decades. For his immense sacrifice, we are truly grateful.

All week I’ve been struck by the fact that almost every time Senator McCain’s name has been mentioned, it has been preceded by the word, “hero.” 

Let’s be honest. Wouldn’t most of us, especially you as men, love to have a similar description said about you at the time of your death?Consequently, I’ve been asking myself what it is about that word that defined this gentleman?

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  • Is it because he was a naval aviator in the Vietnam War who was shot down, seriously injured, and captured by the North Vietnamese, only then to be severely tortured and locked in solitary confinement for two of his five and a half years as a POW? Perhaps.
  • Is it because he chose not to accept an early repatriation offer while in captivity, refusing to leave until every man captured before him had been released? Perhaps.
  • Is it because he engaged in nine months of grueling physical therapy upon his return to the US, determined to fly again despite few believing it could happen, only to pass his physical exam and have his flight status reinstated? Perhaps. 
  • Is it because he was awarded the Silver Star Medal, the Legion of Merit, three Bronze Star Medals, the Navy Commendation Medal, and the Purple Heart Medal because of his actions as a prisoner of war, followed years later with receiving the Meritorious Service Medal, the National Defense Service Medal, and a Gold Star Medal, among others? Perhaps. 
  • Is it because he was later elected to the House of Representatives where he served for two terms? Perhaps.
  • Is it because he was an Arizona congressman and senator who easily won reelection six times? Perhaps. 
  • Is it because of being named by Time magazine as one of America's 10 Best Senators in 2006? Perhaps.
  • Is it because he twice ran for President of the United States, demonstrating a courageous willingness to lead our country while fulfilling a vision he’d had as a POW when telling other prisoners that when he got out he wanted to become President? Perhaps.

Yet beyond all of that, I believe that the most significant definition of “hero” came from his daughter, Meghan, when she honored her father in two specific extraordinary ways.

First, on the day of her dad’s death she posted one of the most powerful statements I’ve ever read from a daughter about her dad. In fact, after reading it I felt prompted to share her words on social media while adding this challenge, “Dads---let this serve as a model of what you want your daughter to say about you after you’re gone.” 

To my surprise, I soon discovered that it was the most shared post of anything I’ve ever put on Facebook, revealing to me that Meghan’s words resonated powerfully with both men and women. Here’s what she wrote:

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"I was with my father at his end, as he was with me at my beginning. In the thirty-three years we shared together, he raised me, taught me, corrected me, comforted me, encouraged me and supported me in all things.

He loved me, and I loved him. His love and his care, ever present, always unfailing, took me from a girl to a woman – and he showed me what it is to be a man.

All that I am is thanks to him. Now that he is gone, the task of my lifetime is to live up to his example, his expectations, and his love.

My father’s passing comes with sorrow and grief for me, for my mother, for my brothers, and for my sisters. He was a great fire who burned bright, and we lived in his light and warmth for so very long. We know that his flame lives on, in each of us.The days and years to come will not be the same without my dad – but they will be good days, filled with life and love, because of the example he lived for us.

My father is gone, and
I miss him as only as an adoring daughter can.But in this loss, and in this sorrow, I take comfort in this: John McCain, hero of the republicand to his little girl,wakes today to something more glorious than anything on earth. Today the warrior enters his true and eternal life, greeted by those who have gone before him, rising to meet the Author of All Things."


Hearing this adult daughter refer to herself as her dad’s “little girl,” and as one who sees him not only as a national hero, but most importantly, as her own, is the one endorsement that matters above the restAnd even without him here on earth to remind her that she’s valuable to him, she is committed to living each day in ways that make him proud. 

Without a doubt, her dad’s love will always remain alive in her

That reality was even more boldly declared during her 17-minute eulogy held at the National Cathedral, one spoken mostly through tears, where her words touched the hearts of every person listening. In it she said:

"Dad, I love you, I always have. All that I am, all that I hope, all that I dream is grounded in what you taught me. You loved me and you showed me what love must be.

The best of John McCain, the greatest of his titles and the most important of his roles was as a father. Today I want to share with you where I found out who John McCain truly was. It wasn't in the Hanoi Hilton. It wasn't in the cockpit of a fast and lethal fighter jet. It wasn't on the high seas or on the campaign trail. John McCain was in all of those places, but the best of him was somewhere else.

My father was a great man. He was a great warrior. He was a great American. I admired him for all of these things, but I love him because he was a great father."

We know that heroes aren’t born; they’re created when ordinary people do extraordinary things. And we also know that heroes aren’t self-selected; they’re named as such by those who deem their actions worthy of the title.

Dad, it doesn’t matter what the world has to say about you if those precious lives you brought into the world don’t see the best of you. 

If you want to know what it a hero looks like through the eyes of your daughter, just ask her to define what a hero looks like to herLether responses direct you and define your purpose. Then choose daily to live up to her ideals, wishes, needs, and dreams. 

And remember that sometimes it’s the little things make the biggest impactkeeping your promises, listening to her thoughts and feelings, drying her tears with your shirt sleeve, responding with kindness and not anger, all the while cheering her on from the stands with no cell phone in hand to distract you from being fully present.  

Today is a new day. 

Hero training starts now.

What Your Daughter Really Longs For

Michelle Watson

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Hi friends... I'm excited to repost this blog from earlier this year because many of you wrote and let me know this one struck a chord with you. I trust you'll enjoy it again and let's see if it's better the second time around!
–-Michelle


I wish you could sit in my counseling office, even for part of a day, because you’d hear what I consistently hear from teenage girls and 20-something women.

You’d hear how often they doubt themselves, how often they fear a future without a boyfriend to love them back, how often they don’t know how to express what’s really going on inside so tears flow freely without words. You’d hear how often they can’t get their feet on the ground when their primary relationships are in turmoil, how often they feel they don’t matter because they haven’t yet figured out their purpose, and how often they wonder where God is at in the mix of the confusion and conflict, disappointments and delays, heartbreak and hopelessness.

And if you were there with me, the two of us would actually realize that we were standing on sacred ground. For whenever someone invites us into their deepest, most vulnerable place--that place that is raw and real, where it’s messy and complicated--we actually receive a gift. To be trusted at that level is an honor of unparalleled proportion.

Dad, do you know how privileged you are when your daughter lets you know her at that depth? I guarantee that she wants to be known by you and it’s up to you to create an atmosphere of acceptance where she feels safe enough to reveal her heart to you.

It’s in the context of that personal relationship that you will pour into your daughter’s heart from the overflow in yours. And just in case she doesn’t quite have the words to tell you what she needs, I’ll do my best to say it for her.

  • She longs for you to notice her.
  • She longs for you to listen to her.
  • She longs for you to affirm her.
  • She longs to know that you believe she is worthy.
  • She longs for you to never give up on her.
  • She longs for you to be patient with her (especially when you’re struggling the most to do so).
  • She longs for you to keep your promises.
  • She longs for you to comfort her with your steady, solid, strong, masculine presence.
  • She longs for you to validate her (even when she doesn’t make sense to you).
  • She longs for you to love her where she’s at, flaws and all.
  • She longs for you to tell her what you see when you look at her.
  • She longs for you to express why you love her.
  • She longs to hear that she’s beautiful in your eyes.
  • She longs for you to choose her even when everything else calls for your attention.
  • She longs for you to pursue her even when she pushes you away for a season.
  • She longs for you to give of yourself and your resources (which tangibly tells her she’s valuable).
  • She longs for you to humbly admit when you’ve blown it and ask for forgiveness.
  • She longs for you to be present and involved because it says that her life matters to you.

The more you care about her longings, the more she will connect with them herself.

And the more she connects with her longings, the more she will thrive while saying, “all my longings lie open before you, O Lord.” (Psalm 18:24).

Be the First

Michelle Watson

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You may be asking yourself, “Haven’t I read this post before?!” My answer is,“Hopefully YES…and please read it again!” Why? Because I’m taking the month off to rest, refuel, and continue writing my second book for dads of daughters. So for the month of August, I’ll be reposting two of my “Best of" Dad-Daughter-Friday blogs. May the second time around provide you with new insights or the chance to put something into action you haven't yet tried. And if you’re new to my blog, welcome!

When I think about the concept of firsts, especially when it comes to fathers understanding their daughters with more precision, I want to highlight what a big deal “firsts” are for us as girls.
 
To prove my point, you could ask any adult woman when she had her first crush. She’ll immediately tell you because that memory is frozen in time and available for fast recall whenever prompted. 
 
Ask her about her first kiss, her first dance, first prom, or first breakup. They’re all filed away.
 
Now let’s change it up a bit and address more than just romance or heartbreak. 
 
You could ask about her first job, her first paycheck, first car or first bad grade. Yep….all stored in the vault.
 
Here’s how I see it. If your daughter is wired to remember firsts, then why not capitalize on that reality by being the first to do it right and get it right…all en route to her heart. 
 
Dad, what if you made it your goal between now and the end of the year to create new memories?

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  • Be the first to tell her you love her every single day so she never has to wonder if you do.
  • Be the first to choose kindness because it’s a virtue you want her to exemplify.
  • Be the first to set the bar high in modeling what a good man looks like so all other men will be compared to you.
  • Be the first to tell her you’re sorry.
  • Be the first to show her that strong men can cry.
  • Be the first to model what humility looks like.
  • Be the first to write her a note telling her what you find special about her.
  • Be the first to take her on an adventure.
  • Be the first to buy her a “just-because” treat.
  • Be the first to take her out for an extravagant meal.
  • Be the first to wipe her tears and hold her in your arms when her life goes sideways.
  • Be the first to listen rather than lecture.
  • Be the first to “hold their anger” without reacting harshly in return.
  • Be the first to initiate deep conversations about spirituality, God, faith, politics, goals, and even your life growing up.
  • Be the first to model a healthy spiritual life so she can follow your example.
  • Be the first to give of your time and energy to serve her.
  • Be the first to invest in launching her dreams by funding a project she is passionate about.
  • Be the first to applaud her successes from the front row.


Why be the first?
 
It’s the best way to show her what love looks like when backed by action. Better yet, she’ll relate to all other men based on what she experiences with you. 
 
Dad…you have a powerful opportunity to lead the way in loving your daughter first. Decide now to make this a year of firsts, beginning by choosing one thing in the list to put into action today!

Daddy, Do You See Me? (Guest Blog by Lee Wolfe Blum)

Michelle Watson

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Lee Wolfe Blum is a close friend and I'm so excited that she is sharing her story here today about healing in her relationship with her dad. She is one who lives out the truth of her latest book titled, "Brave is the New Beautiful".
I know her blog will inspire you and touch your heart like it has mine.
-Michelle

Daddy look. Daddy watch!

Standing on the diving board, I would yell as loud as possible hoping he would turn his head, hoping he would watch my dive or my flip and reward me with a smile. His face lit up, his gap-toothed grin, and his eyes looking into mine was all I wanted.

Our relationship, my dad and I, was a story of misses. Missed intentions and missed moments. 

Born the third child, the message said often, was Lee is our accident child” or another frequent one, Tables arent made for fiveRoller coasters arent made for five.

I made the family five. My personality, full of the energizer bunny-like energy, a mouth that never stopped talking, and an extremely tender heart, was not a match for my quiet father of few words. He liked order and routine. I liked spontaneity and creativity. Like arrows shot backward, we repeatedly missed each other. 

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I made the family five. My personality, full of the energizer bunny-like energy, a mouth that never stopped talking, and an extremely tender heart, was not a match for my quiet father of few words.

He liked order and routine. I liked spontaneity and creativity. Like arrows shot backward, we repeatedly missed each other.

Daddy, don't you see me? Daddy look. Daddy watch.

As I grew older, my home life exploded into a disaster of divorce, multiple homes, and then new fathers. I began to shrink, to disappear, and this shrinking manifested itself into a life-threatening eating disorder.

Let me be clear, my parents didn’t cause my eating disorder. Eating disorders are a combination of biological, psychological and social factors. But, I will say, the struggle to be seen in a family full of chaos did play a role. 

We didn’t get each other, my dad and I. We were like two people stumbling in the dark trying to somehow see each other. And it almost never changed. We were tangled in a mess of misunderstanding. This relationship also deeply affected how I viewed God.

Most dads aren’t trying to hurt their daughters and his intention was never to hurt me or to wound me. But what if he would have asked me this, Hey, how am I missing you? How am I showing up for you? Is there something you need from me?" Would that have helped me? 

Yes. During my teen years, I would have rolled my eyes, but it would have helped.

Now I am a 45-year-old mother of teen boys. Has it changed? Is our relationship better? YES! I am able to look back and see that he loved me in the only way he knew how. He loved by providing; this is what he was taught. 

I needed talking. I needed a relationship. I couldn’t express this, and he couldnt see it. 

But in my 20’s we sat in a therapist’s office and laid it all on the table. The hurt, the pain, the mean comments that wounded my young soul. Both of us in tears. 

And the best gift he ever gave to me, and one he repeatedly offers…apology.

He apologized for how we missed each other, he was willing to see me finally. To see how his words wounded me and apologize for the pain, this was the balm that began to heal our relationship and grow a new healthy relationship so many years later. 

Why is this important? 

Because he never gave up on me and he showed up.

Two instrumental behaviors that show your daughter you love her. And still today, he does this. He tells me every time I talk to him, I am so proud of you, baby girl. I love you so much. I love the woman you are becoming.

That gives me life. That covers all the pain that was once so deep between us. 


Today I honor my dad. A man of very few words. A man that loved me fiercely even though it took me a lifetime to see it. Dont let that happen to you and your relationship with your daughter.

The BRAVEST thing you can do today are these two things:

1. Admit your wrongs. If you have missed seeing your daughter, if you have said things that might have hurt her or wounded her, apologize. Make amends with her. Take off your Superman cape and look her in the eyes and tell her you are sorry.

2. Talk with her. Ask her, How can I see you? How can I be there for you? How do you want to be seen by me? How am I doing as a dad?” (if you can’t sit down and do this, write her a letter, an email, a text…anything!)

We, as women, connect through relationships, and by fostering a good relationship with your daughter, you are helping her not only feel safe and seen, but helping her in her future relationship with her husband and her relationship with God. 

She might not answer. Keep asking. Keep pursuing her. Be relentless in your seeking out of a better relationship with her. No matter what age she is. 

I am a living example, dads, that these relationships can be healed.

My encouragement to you is to be brave. Bravery is not jumping out of a plane, but pursuing a better relationship with your daughter. I promise you won’t regret it. 

I am standing behind a podium now, a grown woman with her first book release, and I scan the room just like that little girl at the pool. Is he there? Will he watch? And in the back, with his body leaning against the stack of books, I see a gap-toothed smile. I see him, he showed up. He continues to show up. 

“Daddy look! Daddy, I did it!” I want to yell across the room.

But I don’t have to now. Because I know he sees me. 


Lee Wolfe Blum is a speaker, mental health practitioner in the field of eating disorders and author of Table in the Darkness: A Healing Journey Through an Eating Disorder and the recent Brave is the New Beautiful: Finding the Courage to be the Real You. She lives in Minnesota with her husband and three teenage boys.


Be sure to also check out 'The Dad Whisperer' Podcast episode where Lee shares more on the topic of daughters longing for their dads to see them.

Writing Your Own Eulogy (Guest Blog by Armin Assadi)

Michelle Watson

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Armin is a man I admire greatly—as a leader and especially as a father. It’s my great honor to have him joining us today as he describes a current process that is “wrecking him in the best of ways.”
Prepare to have your heart inspired by the vulnerability of my friend. 

—Michelle

If you haven’t heard Stephen Covey’s maxim, “Begin with the end in mind” from his best-selling book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, then this is a mental exercise just for you. Even if you have, I promise you, this is something as a father you want to do.
 
Your daughters will thank me.

Now don’t just skim through this. Try this. Imagine a funeral.
 
Envision the church or venue it’s being held in. What’s the outside look like? What’s the inside look like? Imagine what kind of music they’re playing. Look around and see all the people dressed in black filling the seats. Some are there to simply show their respect. Others are heartbroken, crying and grieving the loss of a loved one. 
 
At the front of the room sits a casket, surrounded by beautiful white flowers. You can smell the roses and lilies. The volume of the music goes down and you see someone stand up. Look closer. It’s your daughter and she’s making her way up to the podium to speak. She has tears streaming down her face as she looks at the coffin. You look inside the coffin and realize the person in the coffin is you and this is your funeral. 
 
Take it one step further. Look around the room from the standpoint of the podium. Who is in the room and filling those seats? Is it just family? Are there friends present? Co-workers? Now turn those people into the people you imagine would be at your funeral. 
 
Pause here for a second. 
 
This is what Stephen Covey meant by “begin with the end in mind.” 
He meant THE end. Death. 
 
If you’ve never done this exercise before, it feels weird, if not morbid. Even if it does, keep going. I promise you, it’s worth it. 
 
Back to the funeral. You see your daughter look around the room before she gets ready to speak. She wipes away her tears, composes herself the best she can. She clears her throat and begins to speak about her father…you.
 
This is where you come in. Since you’re not dead yet, you get to write your eulogy, the very one that your daughter is going to read at your funeral.
 
What do you imagine her saying? What do you want your daughter to say about you? What kind of father will she say you were? Husband? Leader? What will she say about the impact you made? Or the lives you touched? 
 
Don’t just think about what you’ve done so far or who you’ve been so far. Dream a little. It’s okay to be idealistic. Write down everything you would hope for your daughter say about you. Even if you know you can’t do all of it or even half of it. It doesn’t matter. Just write it down. 
 
Be a superhero or whatever you want to be. 
 
I share my eulogy at the end of this article. You don’t have to read it. Use it as a template or skip it altogether. It’s just here. If you read it, you’ll see I didn’t try to perfect it, make it eloquent or even poetic. All the grammatical errors will prove my point. I wrote it for me. I didn’t write it to get a good grade from my English teacher or to impress my friends and colleagues. I wrote it so that I can see what I ultimately value as a father. So that I can see what I want my life to add up to in the end. I see it as a guide or compass. 
 
If you’re wondering why begin with the end in mind, here is why for me. 
 
Not only has it helped me be successful with projects, goals, business, and ministry, it’s helped provide clarity. No matter what, you’re going to be active every day. Why not be active in a way that allows you to know that you’re actively taking steps that are leading you to an end destination of your choice? 
 
John Wooden stated it best when he said, “don’t mistake activity for achievement.” 

Beginning with the end in mind will help you know whether the activities of your life are leading you to the achievements you desire and want from life. 
 
This isn’t going to be easy or even come naturally, but it will come to you. You will begin dreaming, envisioning, and writing. Your heart and soul will pour out on paper. And in doing so, you will unleash a furious love from within you.
 
It will help you see the depth and power of your love for the girls in your life. More importantly, this will give you a way to create a strategy and a culture within your own family that truly aligns with your deep and real values. Not your resume values. 
 
I hope to see what you write someday and be inspired by it. God speed, good luck, and many blessings.
 
Armin

My Eulogy I’ve Written For My Daughters:

It may be weird to start my dad’s eulogy like this, but if you knew him at all, you’d know this is appropriate. My dad was a shameless man. He knew what he wanted in life and didn’t care what anybody else thought. He didn’t care how he was judged, frowned upon or talked about behind his back.

My dad taught us that, “if you’re going to be a person of faith, then you have to be a person who keeps your word.”

One of the promises he made to us was, “My promise to you is this: I will always prioritize God first, family second, and everything else comes after and the order should never change.” You know what, he really did live that out. If you didn’t know my dad, let me help you understand what I mean by that.

It's no secret that my dad had a hot temper at times. In his younger days, he took his anger out on people closest to him. Once he had us, he made a commitment that if he was going to lose his temper on anyone, it wouldn't be on his girls. Countless times I’ve heard my dad say, “I’m willing to fail at business, leadership, ministry and everything else, I’m just not willing to fail at being a husband, father, and son of God.”

My dad never missed a date night with me or my sister. He never missed a date night with my mom. He didn't just tell us, he showed us how much he loved our mom to set an example for us. He made sure that we knew anything less than a man going out of his way to love you is unacceptable and that my dad would never, ever want to meet someone who treated us any less than he did. Not if this guy wanted one of his girls!

My dad was a serious guy, but mom told us how he put his ego, pride, and often his dignity aside to make a complete fool of himself just so he could see us laugh. Let me tell you, that didn’t change with age. My dad always knew how to make us laugh and always reminded us how important it is to pursue joy, love, family, and God over status, income, or any other rat race of life.

He was an inspiration to so many, but especially us. The fact that my dad was alive long enough to get married and have kids was a miracle he never stopped being grateful for. He thanked God every day. But in dad-like fashion, he didn’t thank God with words, he thanked God with action, sacrifice, and commitment. He chose a life of reaching out to the last, the lost, and the left out because he knew that’s what he was until God found him. If dad wasn’t spending his time with his girls, he was doing what he could to make sure people like him would find the same God of love and redemption he did.

Dad, we will never stop missing you and we will never stop loving you. Thank you for choosing us as your legacy. You will not be forgotten. I’m sure you’re throwing a party in paradise and forcing everyone to try your Persian food. Love you dad!


Armin Assadi is the co-founder of Position Intel, a GPS tracking software company, and Santosha.co, an all natural skincare company. He has lived more lives than most---from former refugee and crime boss to vocational minister in a mega church and entrepreneur to speaker and soon-to-be published author (The Power of Belief, release date: fall of 2019). He is married to the beautiful momtrepreneur, Ashlee, and father to his two very bossy girls that have him wrapped around their little fingers, Aida (3 years old) and Aviah (9 months old).

How to Talk with Your Daughter about Suicide

Michelle Watson

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Hello friends…This is the longest blog I’ve ever written, but with this topic being in the forefront of our minds due to recent events, I have chosen to address this topic thoroughly. I pray that my story and this information will be helpful to you.
–-Michelle

 “How could she do this when she had everything going for her? It honestly makes no sense that she would end her life because she has a global empire and actually just launched her new clothing line today! Look here---I have ‘Kate Spade’ everything---sunglasses, wallet, and even my school bag is her brand. You remember that she’s the reason I want to go into fashion, right?”
 
These emotional words poured forth from the depths of her 17-year old broken and confused heart as we began our counseling session that Tuesday. Our appointment was only hours after she’d heard the news that her beloved icon hanged herself that morning in NYC. And though we were having this conversation 3000 miles away from the tragic epicenter, she felt the impact personally, as if she’d lost a close friend.
 
Beyond that, neither of us had any way of knowing that only three days later we would grieve another tragic suicide by hanging, that of Anthony Bourdain, internationally acclaimed celebrity chef and television host. 
 
Then, as if these tragic deaths weren’t devastating enough, the story took a heart-wrenching turn when I learned that both of these influencers left young daughters behind, 13-year old Francis Beatrix Spade and 11-year old Ariane Bourdain. One who will now be raised solely by her widower father while the other will grow up without the loving guidance of her adored dad. 
 
All I can say is that two suicides in a row are two suicides too many.
 
As you can imagine, I’ve had similar raw conversations in my counseling office around this theme since these two individuals passed. One of my clients even expressed her fear that she now wonders whether she’s strong enough to resist her own suicidal urges. She said that if celebrities still commit suicide despite having access to the best resources in the world, then how can she trust herself to withstand the emotional gale force winds that regularly pound within her?
 
Dr. Margo Maine captures it best: statistics are people with the tears wiped away.” Her poignant way of expressing the human reality behind the numbers is underscored by the shocking fact that suicide rates have increased in the US by 25% in the past two decades, according to the CDC.

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I’ve heard it said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. True as that is, when someone has suffered for years, the enduring pain doesn’t necessarily feel temporary.

Additionally, when someone has lived with physical or mental torment for a long period of time, it can significantly alter different areas of their brain. When the limbic system (our emotional center) is over-stimulated and “on fire,” it releases substantial levels of stress hormones, which then flood the frontal lobe (where we make decisions and activate sound judgment), leading to that part of the brain being “offline.”
 
Consequently, these individuals often find it hard to believe there will ever be an end to their agony, resulting in a genuine struggle to think clearly when it comes to problem solving and working through their distress. All they want is for the pain to end.
 
I haven’t shared a lot publicly about my past mental health struggles (though God has opened more doors the past few years to tell my story), but the truth is that I’ve lived through years of internal distress that were locked inside me until my late 30’s. In fact, I was in counseling for eight straight years and it was an excruciating process of going back into my trauma history to face all the layers of impact from sexual and spiritual abuse.
 
Trust me when I say that I hated putting my time, money, and energy into weekly therapy when all I wanted to do was spend my time, money, and energy on anything but therapy. 
 
But, as they say, hindsight is 20/20. 

  • I now look back and know that investing in counseling was my way of putting value on myself
  • I now look back and know that the costs on every level were necessary to my healing.
  • I now look back and know that I had to feel to heal.
  • I now look back and know that the only way out is through.
  • I now look back and know that I am a survivor, not a victim.

The hope-filled reality is that our brains can heal. I’m living proof of that fact! (Here are two excellent articles that confirm this: 1. on neurogenesis and neuroplasticity and 2. on posttraumatic growth.)
 
More specifically with regards to my healing journey, I can honestly tell you that the torment I used to experience in my mind and emotions is no longer therewhich translates to more calm and clarity. Of course I still have times of over-reacting, worrying, and the like, but overall there’s a settledness and true peace. Now I have the freedom to passionately move in ways that are in line with my God-given calling after years of feeling like I was going in circles despite my best efforts.
 
Also, I can confidently assert that the dissociative wiring inside my brain has been re-wired. Now I am grateful to experience an internally associated life without mental torment or dividedness. What this also means is that I am fully present to what I think and feel, and I have consistent joy that actually stays and holds! (If that sounds too good to be true or seems like it could never happen to you, I want to encourage you by saying that if healing could happen for me, it can happen for you too. Yes, it’s hard work…but it’s worth it in the end!)
 
Now let’s make this practical and personal. 
 
What do you do as a dad if you have a daughter you suspect may be suicidal? 
 
I’ll tell you some truths that have guided my responses to this question. When I started grad school in 1995, I wasn’t sure what to do or say if a counseling client admitted to being suicidal. But I can tell you that I was greatly comforted to learn key insights about navigating this complex topic, insights that still guide me as a clinician 21 years later:

  1. It’s good to initiate the topic of suicide if you have even the slightest concern about someone, which will help that person know that it’s safe to talk openly with you. (Asking about suicide won’t plant the idea in their minds about it, but instead gives them permission to talk because “the cat’s out of the bag,” and they weren’t the one to initiate the conversation).
  2. It’s good to disclose that you would be devastated if that person ever took their own life, including why it would matter to you. (I’ve teared up many times when disclosing my heart to suicidal clients, and typically this helps them release their tears while feeling that someone genuinely cares. Experts say that sometimes the individual will stay alive more for someone else than for themselves, and because I want to do everything possible to communicate compassionate care, I always remember this fact). 
  3. It’s good to ask whether they feel like they want to die or if they have a suicide plan---because those are two different things. If there is a plan in place, you must take immediate action to contract regarding their safety, call their support network, or discuss hospitalization. (By asking the straight-forward question, “are you suicidal?” you are encouraging honesty. You also want to watch their body language because it also will significantly reveal what’s going on inside. Remember that it’s worth risking their anger at you for intervening in order to get them the help they truly need).

There’s one more important aspect to this topic that merits addressing. 

If we read the accounts from friends and family after they’ve lost a loved one, rarely, if ever, did any of them know the situation was dire prior to the catastrophic event. This has been repeatedly confirmed by those who interacted with Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, as well as with those who knew Robin Williams four years ago and 28-year old Avicii recently. The pattern with all of them appears to be consistent: the pain is easy to hide and “putting on a good face” is an act, not their reality. This tells me that it’s wisdom to know what to look for so there is greater symptom awareness to reveal if someone may be sinking into despair.
 
Here are signs that could signal a deeper intensity than meets the eye (be sure to look and listen for these things in groupings, not individually):

  • Withdrawal/more isolation (when someone feels desperate and alone, it’s easy to push people away because they don’t have the energy or capacity to engage and talk)
  • Changes in sleeping patterns (a lot more or a lot less)
  • Lack of enjoyment in activities that used to bring joy
  • Depression (especially when the chronic sadness has lasted for more than two months)
  • Feelings of hopelessness (listen for anything that sounds like they’re giving up or saying that life isn’t worth living anymore)
  • Self-injurious behaviors (which, in and of themselves, aren’t always a cry for help, but when paired with other symptoms, are worth noting---whether cutting, reckless sexual activity, excessive spending, or anything where caution is thrown to the wind)
  • Increases in substance use/addictive behaviors (use of drugs, alcohol, gaming, or eating disorders, to name a few, can be used to numb pain, particularly if other coping strategies aren’t working well or haven’t yet been learned)
  • Cancelling appointments/not keeping commitments (this could be a sign of disconnection from people or from causes that used to have value)
  • Lack of motivation (particularly in areas that once brought a sense of purpose and meaning)
  • Friends or public figures recently committing suicide (when someone is battling with suicidal thoughts, there is power in suggestion when there was a “successful” end to someone’s pain)

Take a big deep breath. (I’m serious).
 
Dad, I realize that this topic is heavy and intense. And I know this is a lot to take in. I acknowledge that it may be something you don’t want to talk about or look at. But you have to meet your daughter where she is at because the world she lives in is impacted all too often by suicide. Out of love for your daughter, you need to delve into these depths with her so she’s not left to tread these waters alone. 

 

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Please believe me when I say that talking with her about what she’s feeling and fearing will go a long way to helping her release questions and emotions inside herself while being able to gain perspective from you in the process. 

If you want to initiate a conversation with your daughter about the topic of suicide, here are some suggestions to get you started:

  1. Let her read this blog and ask if anything resonates with her, whether experiences or thoughts she’s having now or has had in the past.
  2. Gently, yet boldly, ask, “Are you suicidal or have you ever been suicidal?” If she’s not struggling in this area, she most likely won’t be reactive. If she has a strong negative reaction, it could suggest that she’s hiding something from you…and even from herself. 
  3. Watch together Anderson Cooper’s town hall on suicide that recently aired (6.24.18).
  4. Let her know your story if you or someone you know has ever struggled with being suicidal or had suicidal thoughts. Though you may think you’re protecting her by not sharing about your past, the reality is that you are modeling that pain can be worked through and there is life on the other side. Let her know what you did to cope and what you wish you’d done differently. I assure you that your story will give her hope and she’ll entrust you with more of hers because she’ll trust that you won’t judge her since you’ve been through it yourself.
  5. Never get angry with her for disclosing that she’s feeling suicidal or struggling in this area. Never let your fear or sadness be expressed as frustration or anger. Never tell her she’s being stupid or foolish to want to end her life. Only show compassion and empathy. Listen hard and listen well. 
  6. Put your money where your heart [treasure] is. Offer to pay for counseling. Tell her that you will do everything possible to find her a good counselor (by calling her insurance company for her, asking for referrals from friends, offering to drive her to appointments or to pay for Uber or Lyft to transport her if she’s unable to drive herself).
  7. Assure her that if she ever has suicidal thoughts, urges, or a plan that you want her to call you 24/7. Let her know you will find a way to connect with her or get her help at any time, day or night, if she is at that point of intensity, feeling hopeless and all alone. 

Though this was a lot to take in, the truth is that there’s still a lot more that I could say! But at the same time it feels like there’s just not enough words to truly capture all that I want to say. So I’ll close with one my favorite acronyms for HOPE: Hold On, Pain Ends. 
 
Wait, I do have one more thing to add! 
 
The truest truth I can leave you with is this: Jesus and Abba Father God will hold your daughter when you can’t hold onto her yourself. And they promise to take the pain and sadness away bit by bit, exchanging beauty for ashes...and that is ultimately how pain ends.

———————-
 
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) is available 24/7 across the United States.

Why Father's Day Matters to Me

Michelle Watson

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June 19, 1910. Does this date ring a bell for you? 
 
It didn’t for me either. Nor did it seem noteworthy…until now, that is.
 
This day actually marks the first recorded Father’s Day in American history
 
For whatever reason, it never crossed my mind to investigate the origin of this annual holiday even though I’m passionate about focusing on fathers. So you can imagine my excitement when I discovered that this whole thing started because a daughter wanted to celebrate her dad!
 
Here’s the brief backstory: In the early 1900’s a Spokane, Washington woman by the name of Sonora Smart Dodd decided that her father, Civil War veteran, William Jackson Smart, was worthy of being publicly honored for courageously stepping up to the plate after her mom died during childbirth, leaving him to raise a newborn baby and eight other children who were still under his roof at the time.
 
But this story is even more incredible.
 
William ended up as a single dad to a total of 14 children: four from his first marriage, six from his second marriage, a step father to three fatherless children from his second wife, and then became a father figure to the young daughter of his widowed sister, both whom he took in. Yet despite losing two wives to death, Mr. Smart was dedicated to being an invested single father during an era when this role for men was not necessarily the norm. 
 
Clearly, William Smart was a hero on the battlefield and in his home. 
 
With Senora Dodd leading the way, Spokane residents enthusiastically embraced this tradition of hailing fathers on the second Sunday in June each year during church services by giving them roses (red for the living and white in memory of the deceased). And because one honorable father did the right thing by singlehandedly investing in caring for his 14 children, our national holiday was born.
 
Great strides were made towards making this day a formalized festivity when President Woodrow Wilson attended the Father’s Day celebration in Spokane in 1912, only later to have President Calvin Coolidge declare in 1924 that he supported this day “in order to establish closer relationships between fathers and their children and to impress upon fathers the full measure of their obligations.” (according to the Library of Congress). But it took until 1972 for President Richard Nixon to officially sign the public law to make Father’s Day an official day of celebration. (Who knew?! I guess Nixon’s mark on history goes beyond Watergate!)
 
I LOVE that the origin of Father’s Day is based on a true story of an overextended father who was the stable force in his family after he and his children had suffered great losses. 
 
I RESPECT this dad for choosing to sacrificially invest as a single parent to his children, which honestly makes me appreciate even more the foundation on which this holiday was built! 
 
I CELEBRATE that a daughter was the initiator of this national event as she went against societal norms for women of her day by leading a movement that she believed in…one that was based on love and gratitude for her father. 
 
The correlations between this trailblazer and her extraordinary father are evident:
 
Courageous dad; courageous daughter. 
Determined dad; determined daughter.
Ambitious dad; ambitious daughter.
Progressive dad; progressive daughter.
Resourceful dad; resourceful daughter.
 
Yet beyond simply being inspired by this dad-daughter duo, let’s now bridge the past to our present. 
 
Wikipedia captures it best: Father's Day is a celebration honoring fathers and celebrating fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society.” I especially resonate with two of the concepts stated in this definition, that of “paternal bonds” and “the influence of fathers in society.” I believe these two themes are sequential because as bonding takes place between dads and their kids, powerful and positive societal impacts follow. Stated more succinctly, dads matter when it comes to the health of our nation.  
 
But sadly, I am compelled to acknowledge another reality.
 
Though I would love my blog today to only zero in on positive fathering and strong paternal bonds, I must add one additional bit of sobering commentary. I write this to recognize those who have lived a different story. 
 
I know there are myriads of men and women (many whom I call my friends) who struggle to endure this day year after year due to the focus on honoring fathers. The reason for their distress is that their souls, bodies, and spirits ache because their fathers did not honor them. And because they have suffered unimaginable pain on behalf of their fathers, they have been left fractured and scarred, with deep father wounds and profound father voids. 
 
For those of you who struggle today, from my heart to yours I say: I am so sorry that you have suffered great pain and loss at the hands of your father. I grieve with you that you didn’t get the dad you needed, wanted, or deserved. And because hurting people hurt people, your dad’s own woundedness poured forth to injure you.
 
Yet no matter your story, these eternal truths remain true:

  • You are more than the pain you have suffered.
  • You are worth more than you know or believe.
  • You are truly valuable because you’re alive and you’re here.
  • You have gifts that have been honed in the deep places of your heartache.
  • God never wastes pain, and as your wounds heal, you will grow stronger and give more out of a deeper well. (I speak from experience on that one). 

No matter what this day means to you---whether it’s hard or easy, celebratory or painful--- I trust that you’ll come to know in the depths of your being that you have a Dad in heaven who is with you, calls you His own, is proud of you, and celebrates you. And He is nothing like your earthly father who has hurt you, wounded you, abandoned you, or violated you. Your heavenly Father has made you in His image and proclaims that all He has created is GOOD. That includes you.
 
Finally, since this holiday was founded by a daughter who championed this movement out of love and respect for her father, today I encourage you, Dad, to ask yourself if you’re being the kind of dad whose daughter would start a national holiday in recognition of you. 
 
Be the dad your daughter can celebrate today. 
 
And I wish you the happiest of Father’s Days…from my heart to yours! 

Is Your Unattended Baggage Hurting Your Daughter? (Guest Blog by Marc Alan Schelske)

Michelle Watson

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Marc Alan Schelske is a friend I have grown to greatly respect and admire. Today as you read his guest blog, you as fathers will no doubt be inspired by his profound insights to help you relate in healthier ways to your daughters.
- Michelle

That morning I got up early, hoping to enjoy some quiet before family and work obligations kicked in. I shuffled to the kitchen to brew myself some Earl Grey.

In the darkness, my shin collided hard with some unseen obstacle. I tripped and threw out my arms, catching myself as I fell against the wall. My impediment crashed across the hardwoods setting the dog to barking. That woke up the rest of my family.

Bruised, frustrated, annoyed at the dog, I switched on the light to see what had been so irresponsibly left in the hallway. There it was. The blue carry-on baggage that belonged to me.

The week prior I had made a quick weekend flight for a writer’s event. I flew home to a schedule already overfull. Jumping right into the rush of my week, I left my baggage unattended in the hallway, where it sat, waiting to trip some unsuspecting family member. Luckily it was me!

Unattended Baggage Can Be Dangerous

You’ve heard that recorded message that comes over the airport public address system, the one that warns about unattended bags? The airport officials are trying to protect against terrorism threats, but apparently unattended baggage can be a real terror in other ways.

This isn’t just a problem at the airport. Apparently it’s a problem in my hallway. It’s also a threat to our relationship with our daughters.

The truth is that all of us dads have baggage we’ve never unpacked. Our hearts carry wounds that have scabbed over with time but have never received the proper healing.This baggage is just sitting around waiting for someone to trip over it. If we’re not careful, it’s going to be our daughters.

How Does This Baggage Show Up?

Coming back from my trip, I quickly fell back into my routine. The luggage I’d not had time to deal with got pushed to the side of the hallway and quickly faded into the background. I forgot it was there until my shin cracked into it.

Our emotional baggage is much the same. Regardless of what trauma or pain we’ve experienced in the past, we find a way to make life work.

For some of us, the wounds are so deeply buried, that we don’t think of them—and that seems almost the same as if we had dealt with them. We seem fine.

So, can we know if we’ve got untended baggage before it’s too late? Sure! There are three clear flags. If these are present in your life in an ongoing way, you’ve got unattended baggage.

1) Unexpected Outbursts
I noticed my unattended baggage when my shin sent it careening down the hall, waking up my whole family with an unexpected crash. That’s often how our emotional baggage surfaces too. Unexpected, loud and painful.

A common example of this is a dad’s Zero-to-Rage speed. Scripture counsels us to be slow to anger, and yet many speed past that instruction. You can call it a short fuse. 

You can blame it on your daughter’s disrespect or poor listening. But nobody is responsible for your burst of anger except you. If unexpected anger bursts in on us, boiling over in angry words, name-calling, blaming language or worse, that’s a flag that we have baggage that needs to be unpacked.

2) Outsized Responses
When my baggage crashed across the floor, and the dog started barking, the whole ordeal was far noisier than it needed to be. Similarly, emotional baggage often surfaces with a much bigger “crash” than seems reasonable.

If your daughter does something irritating or forgets some small responsibility, how do you react? Think about the tone of voice you use, the type of language you employ, the level of consequence you apply.

If what she did, objectively, weighs in at about a 4 or 5 in terms of seriousness, but the intensity of your response to her is more like a 9 or 10, that’s an outsized response. Maybe you pride yourself on being a strict parent, or “not taking any garbage.”

Well, consider the possibility that your intensity has nothing to do with your daughter, or with wanting to “run a tight ship.” It’s possible that you are inflicting emotional intensity on your daughter that doesn’t belong to her. Regular outsized responses are a flag that you have baggage that needs to be unpacked.

3) Hidden Hazards
In the dark that morning, I couldn’t see my luggage in the pathway. Because I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t avoid running into it. 

Emotional baggage is often invisible in the same way. Sometimes it’s invisible to you. Often, it’s invisible to your daughter.

She’s just going her life, being a kid. She doesn’t understand one particular thing might rub you the wrong way. She probably doesn’t get why you have so much energy around a particular behavior. In her mind “it’s not a big deal.” In your mind, it’s suddenly everything.

If interacting with you is a “minefield,” full of hidden hazards, that’s a flag that you have unattended baggage that needs to be unpacked.

Don’t Give Your Daughter Your Baggage!

The whole incident with the luggage in the hallway could have easily been avoided. All that was needed was for me to take responsibility. Instead of leaving my bag unattended and packed in the hallway, I could have taken the time to unpack it and put it away.

When we don’t take responsibility for our emotional baggage, it often becomes someone else’s problem. Our denial ends up hurting people we love. Then, our baggage becomes their baggage.
 
As dads, one of our chief responsibilities is to set up our children for the best possible chance of a healthy life. Passing our unpacked baggage on to them is a violation of this commitment.

If you find your relationship with your daughter marked by unexpected outbursts, outsized responses, and hidden hazards, it’s time to take responsibility.

Maybe that means investing time in learning how to listen to and process your emotions. 
(I wrote a book about that called The Wisdom of Your Heart: Discovering the God-given Power and Purpose of your Emotions.) 

Maybe it means getting coaching from a professional, like a therapist or a pastor with skills in this area. It’s not weakness to get support in this area; it is you giving your best attention to being the best dad you can be—and that’s part of your commitment to set your daughter up for the best possible life experience.

Don’t leave your baggage out where she can trip over it.

Instead, give her a healthy example of courage and personal responsibility by unpacking your own baggage before it becomes someone else's problem.