What Difference Does it Make When a Dad Drops His Anger? (A real life story with Ron Hauenstein)

Today I want to introduce you a very good friend of mine, Ron Hauenstein.

Ron is the real deal. He’s a warm-hearted, down-to-earth, generous man who lives to see others thrive and heal. He goes the extra mile to support those around him and has no desire to be in the spotlight. (Yet here I am today highlighting him!)

Recently Ron and I were talking about my viral video on the topic of men dropping their anger, which prompted a conversation that I want to share with you today (with his permission, of course!).

First, let me tell you more about Ron.

Ron founded the Spokane Fatherhood Initiative (SpoFI) in Washington State in 2017 with a goal to restore the value of fatherhood. After spending years volunteering at a shelter for homeless women and children, Ron continued to see the negative impact of fatherlessness, which compelled him to launch SpoFI and develop a curriculum called “24-7 Dad.”

Many men who have found their way to his organization have been released from prison and are learning profound life skills, which has reduced recidivism rates in their state. I’m happy to report that SpoFI has issued more than 550 certificates of completion while seeing a remarkable graduation rate of 92 percent!

The reality is that Ron is in the trenches with real dads who are doing the hard work of restoring that which they have broken in their homes while also experiencing inner healing for their own brokenness.

With that backdrop, here’s what Ron wrote to me:

Michelle,

I’ve been following this development on your viral video since it occurred, which leads me to share something I’ve discovered.

When we ask dads to name the most significant change they experience as a result of our classes, the large majority say, “I’m more patient with my kids.”

One dad was in court and was challenged by his ex-wife when she said, “So you took a fatherhood class, big deal.”

His reply: “Do you know what our 4-year-old daughter says to me now? She says, ‘Daddy, you don’t get mad like you used to. You don’t yell at us anymore.’ He continued, “I made that decision to stop yelling at my kids at the end of the second class.”

So after just four hours of SpoFI classes he made an internal choice, a major change in his beliefs, about how to parent.

There’s something about the atmosphere God creates in our classrooms that allow men:

• time for introspection

• a chance to listen to other fathers

• the ability to reflect on their behavior

• space to ponder what they learned from their own father

In our “24-7 Dad” PM (advanced) fatherhood class, I facilitate a 2-hour session on anger. I pass out crayons and paper and ask the men to draw a picture of what their father looked like to them when they were a child and dad was angry.

Here are some samples:

After some rich discussion, I give the men another assignment: “Now, draw me a picture of what your children see when you are angry.” Many of the men confess that the same picture suffices.

I’m working my way through a book titled Unoffendable by Brant Hansen. His challenge: Are you willing to give up the right to be angry? Ummmmm…deep stuff. Goes along with another lesson I teach: You Don’t Have to Be Wrong to Repent.

Wow! Now you can understand why I dearly love and respect Ron’s heart for fathers. He helps them reveal and process the nuances of their relationships with their own fathers that impacts them more than they’ve probably ever realized.

So how about you? Would you be willing to follow Ron’s lead and draw two pictures to represent your story?

• What did your father look like to you when you were a child and your dad was angry?

• What do your children see when you’re angry?

Next, here’s a plan for processing and healing after you’ve drawn these pictures:

1. Set the two pictures side by side. Look at them closely without judgment. Just notice.

2. Feel what you need to feel. Give yourself the gift of releasing sadness and tears. (Tears have salt in them and salt brings healing to wounded areas. Trust me when I say: Real men cry. Jesus did and you can follow His lead).

3. Ask God, your Heavenly Father, to come near to the “little boy you” who lives inside and often takes the lead. Allow your Heavenly Father to give His unconditional comfort and love, which often is different than what you experienced from your earthly father.

4. Notice where you feel that comfort in your body and hold it there as long as you can.

5. Then imagine your adult self joining in to connect with your younger self while your Heavenly Father affirms and validates who you are. Allow your adult self to also affirm your younger self, even if it seems pointless or silly. (This cord of three strands is strong and powerful).

Well done.

Now take a breath as you express gratitude for where you are, who you are, and for the amazing children God has given you to love and lead.

I know this isn’t easy to do, but it’s necessary to look deeper if you want to begin (or continue) healing. This is a way you can drop your anger and be the dad you want to be.

Let me also add that if you want to keep doing more work like this, you can always reach out to me for a coaching session. I’d be honored to walk with you through more processing to greater healing.

So what difference does it make when a dad drops his anger?

It makes ALL the difference and makes home happier because love takes the lead.

P.S. If you want to connect with Ron Hauenstein, here’s his contact information:  

Spokane Fatherhood Initiative
Phone: 509-315-8850
www.spofi.org
www.spokane127.org

3 Blind Spots of Mice and Men

Do you remember the nursery rhyme from when you were a kid about three blind mice? I haven’t actually thought about it in years or heard anyone cite it either.

But as I’m looking at it today, I thought you might enjoy reminiscing with me:

Three blind mice, three blind mice
See how they run, see how they run
They all ran after the farmer’s wife
She cut off their tails with a carving knife
Did you ever see such a sight in your life as three blind mice?

Crazy story to share with kids, right?

I don’t have any profound insight as to why this rhyme is of any value to us or our children, but my one take away is this: Blind spots lead to catastrophic outcomes.

It’s the same with fathering your daughters. 

Blind spots are those areas where we miss or don’t see things, often because they’re in our peripheral vision. Yet when something is legitimately there and needs our immediate attention, it’s wisdom to turn our heads and respond appropriately.

With that in mind, here’s three specific things that might be in your blind spot when it comes to interacting with your daughter. My hope is that after reading, you’ll see things more clearly because now they’ll be directly in your line of sight. 

Blind Spot #1: Expecting things of your daughter that you don’t practice yourself. 

As a dad you want your daughter to have positive responses. You want her to respond with immediate obedience without a bad attitude or intense negativity. You want her to respect others (especially her mom and siblings), honor God, and be a contributing member of your family and society.

Those are great goals, but it’s vital that you start with yourself. Begin by considering whether you’re setting an example in these areas so what you’re expecting and requiring of her is modeled by you. After all, more is caught than taught.

Blind Spot #2: Thinking that what you do behind closed doors doesn’t matter if she doesn’t know about it. 

We’ve all heard the quote, “be sure your sins will find you out.” When it comes to integrity (which I imagine is a virtue you want your daughter to embody), it’s about what we do when no one sees. 

When it comes to your personal life---your thoughts, morals, values, choices, relationships with the opposite sex, expenditures, financial dealings, etc.---it’s important that there is congruence between the life your daughter sees publicly and the person you are behind closed doors. 

Let me get a little more personal and specific. If you engage in looking at pornography, you’re contributing to an industry that objectifies and uses women for self-gratification.

If you want your daughter to live with confident strength where she expects to be treated with value and respect, especially by men, be mindful that what you bring with you is being passed on to her. This has to do with the atmosphere and spiritual climate that you carry with you, which is a very real, though unseen, realm. 

Blind Spot #3: Assuming that your anger has no effect in shaping her.

You’ve heard me say this many times and it bears repeating: Your anger will have the most negative impact on your daughter’s heart and spirit than most anything else.

Your anger will cause your daughter to fear you and experience you as unsafe (which I know you don’t want). Your anger will decrease her self esteem, cause her to be tentative and less confident, destroy her spirit, and lead her to shrink back and be less assertive in the world (which you also don’t want). Additionally, she will project these realities onto God as a Father and assume He’s an angry guy in the sky. If you don’t want her to be afraid of God, be aware that you set the base for how she approaches and relates to Him.

Anger from a dad to his daughter is always more intense than you may think it is. Though anger is a God-given emotion and there’s a place for it at times, you must use it rarely. 

Now that these three areas are in front of you, they’re no longer blind spots. 

Commit to addressing one of them today. 

Better yet, talk to a fellow “mouse” (a trusted friend) and communicate honestly about these three areas. This is how you’ll be a band of brothers instead of “three blind mice.” And by creating this kind of accountability group, you’ll offset blindness and move forward with clear vision.

No more blinders. Go Dad!

Dad, Let's Revisit the Anger Thing

Dad, you know I’m your ally.

I want to see you ‘hit it out of the ballpark’ as a dad to your daughter. I stand in alliance with you in acknowledging that your influence is powerful as you raise and release your healthy, empowered daughter into the world.

This means that anything that stands in the way of achieving that goal has to be addressed. 

There has to be change if anything---or anyone---is standing in the way of this happening. If that someone is you who is causing your daughter harm, then I encourage you to be honest so that course correction can take place. If you, as her father and primary influencer, are responding and behaving in ways that are counterproductive to seeing your daughter thrive, it’s time to address it, wouldn’t you agree?

Based on what I’m hearing, I want to revisit the topic of anger. 

I’ve addressed the destructive impact that a dad’s anger has on his daughter’s health and well-being. And based on over four decades of interacting and mentoring girls and young women, I will say it again: 

Anger is where so many girls and women carry the most hurt from their dads.

Stated otherwise, my goal is to help you understand what your daughter really wants from you, and I am seeking to lead you to look underneath your anger so you can uproot it.

Listen to the words of two young daughters who shared their true thoughts with me:

“I make my dad angry. Just the act of me breathing makes him angry. I’m the source of his anger and he has mentioned that I am on a few occasions. When my father gets frustrated with me I really let him have it---the cold shoulder, that is.”

“I’m sick of my dads moods and blow-ups. He corrupts peace in our home.
I want the dad back that used to hold me on his lap and make me feel balanced and stable.
Now I never know what I’m going to get from him. 
I can’t decide if I’m done with him…or not…because at the end of the day I love him.”

If those words aren’t touching your heart deeply, I invite you to read them again.

And though I talk more about this topic in my first book, “Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart" in the chapter, “Getting Under the Anger,” here’s a short overview if you want to address what is happening underneath your anger responses:

Psychologists have often said there are five primary emotions: happy, sad, angry, scared, and confused. I add that oftentimes the presenting emotion (a.k.a. anger) is NOT the primary driving emotion. Instead, anger often becomes the funnel through which other emotions are released.

This means that when you respond in anger, it’s worthwhile to ask yourself: What sad is under my mad?

• You might be sad that the little girl who used to run and jump into your arms is nowhere to be found

• You might be sad that your daughter is disrespecting you---or someone in your household

• You might be sad that there is disunity in your home and you can’t seem to get things under control

If you can tap into your sadness without dismissing it, I promise that your anger will begin to dissipate. You will balance out your mad feelings by connecting to your underlying sad feelings. 

As a result, you may cry or feel tight in your chest. You may need to punch a bag or go for a run to release your emotional intensity that’s surging through your body. Those are all good and healthy releases because you’re allowing your authentic emotion to lead the way.

And because your responses teach your daughter how to react to life’s challenges and conflicts, fears and failures, messes and mistakes, it’s vital that you find a way to temper your anger if you want her to do the same. 

This, in essence, means you have to work very hard at not reacting to her reaction. You have to respond first in the way you want to see her respond.

Give yourself time to calm down first. Then come back and talk things out or give discipline.

After all, God had a reason for saying, “Fathers, don’t exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master.”
(Ephesians 6:4 MSG).

Your soft response is the quickest way to diffuse her fire. 

Your harsh response is the quickest way to pour fuel on her fire. 

If you’re ready to begin taking responsibility for your anger without excusing or blaming your daughter or circumstances, here’s my five-fold suggestion for proactive movement through the intensity of anger:

1. Calmly remove yourself from the stressful situation. (Do this in a non-abrupt, non-explosive way so that those around you aren’t traumatized by your intensity as you get to a place where you have space to de-escalate).

2. Breathe deeply while looking around at your surroundings. (Notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can smell, 2 things you can hear, and end with 1 thing you are grateful for).

3. Give yourself a ‘time out’ as many minutes as your age. (If you’re 50, for example, you need to give yourself 50 minutes to calm your brain when it’s on fire---and if you can walk around, that will help even more because you’re activating the right and left hemispheres of your body in order to reduce and titrate the intensity you feel inside).

4. Pray. (If you’re in a place to speak out loud, it will help your spirit lead as you hear yourself talk to Jesus. Invite God’s presence and power to give you perspective as you vent to your Heavenly Father who promises to give wisdom if we ask for it—James 1:5).

5. Make amends while listening more than talking. (Go back to your daughter and ask how your response hurt her, then tell her you’re sorry without explanations or defensiveness, finishing with asking her to forgive you. Then honor her need for space to recover and rebuild trust).

I look forward to hearing stories from those of you who are ready to grow in new ways this year where you learn to listen to your anger while not letting it lead and take control.

To Fight or Not To Fight, That is the Question: Navigating Dad-Daughter Conflicts

One of my favorite things is receiving emails from dads and daughters who ask questions about how to better their relationship. Not that I always have the perfect answer, but there’s something refreshing about an authentic, heart-felt inquiry that opens an honest interaction. I respect the courage it takes to ask vulnerable questions that have the potential to start movement towards proactive change.

Here’s a question I received not long ago from a young woman:

Hi Michelle,
I think it would be helpful if you talked to dads about how to handle disagreements. My stepdad and I had a big fight over the weekend and it left me feeling like although we have improved our daily relationship, nothing has changed when it comes to the big stuff. I think it would help the fathers that you work with to learn conflict resolution skills.

Dad, as you consider what she wrote, let me ask you a question:

Does this sound like a woman who wants a better relationship with her stepdad or one who doesn’t care about how they relate?

I tend towards believing that she must care about their relationship or she wouldn’t have written me. I also hear her implying that her stepdad bears the primary weight of responsibility in moving their relationship in a better direction, which happens to be something I agree with.
Here’s why:

• You, Dad, have to lead by example

• Change has to begin with you

• You must set the tone for how you want your daughter to respond to you and to others by modeling healthy interactions with her.

Let me be more specific. If your daughter yells at you and you yell back, you’ve just given her permission to speak similarly and you’re essentially condoning this kind of interpersonal dynamic in your family. And that is where things quickly disintegrate and deteriorate (which you already know, right?!). Therefore, you can’t justify a harsh reaction when she has a disrespectful response to you or there’s no parent in the lead.

You have to dig deep and pray a lot in order to model to her the response you want to see from her.

Believe it or not, your daughter doesn’t like it when her relationship with you is off kilter. In fact, we girls don’t do well when our primary relationships are out of sync. And guess what else I’ve discovered? You men want the same thing!

Here are a few ideas to help you as a father lead your daughter in resolving conflict:

Dad, I realize that it’s super hard, if not impossible, to pursue your daughter’s heart when one or both of you are angry. I encourage you to walk away in the heat of the moment and give yourself a break that is as long as your age. If you are 40, then take a 40-minute time out to breathe and calm down.

I also know that in order to lead your daughter in a way that is congruent with your heart goals you will need to embrace humility and gentleness while remembering how much she deeply matters to you (as opposed to focusing on her reaction to your reaction or vice versa)

This week I’d love to see you choose one thing from this list of ten resolution ideas and let me know how it works…in the trenches.

Turn the fight to right by leading with love. It’s the best way to diffuse a disagreement…every single time.