Does Your Daughter Know What Servant Leadership Looks Like?

Lately I’ve been pondering something and I want to share it here while it’s fresh. I’d love to get your input so feel free to write me and share your thoughts so we can continue this dialogue (drmichellewatson@gmail.com).

The question I pose to you is this: Does your daughter actually know what servant leadership looks like?

• Does she give without anyone knowing about it (a.k.a without posting it on her socials)?

• Does she sacrifice to see others (including her siblings) succeed?

• Does she delay gratification in order to save for something later?

• Does she donate to needs outside of herself?

• Does she know what it looks like to serve without being applauded?  

• Does she have an altruistic mindset where she gives even if she receives nothing in return?

So just in case it sounds like I’m coming down too hard on your daughter, I promise you I’m cheering her on to be all that God has made her to be!

And if you’re like many dads I interact with, I’m surely not telling you anything new when saying that your daughter is immersed in a culture that encourages her to embrace a mindset based in a philosophy that shouts: “See me…follow me…like me!”

Not only is this message everywhere on social media…but when her peers and influencers define popularity and success in certain ways, often without even knowing it, she’s internalizing  and being shaped by this this value system. [Of course this relates to us as adults and parents too, but we have fully developed brains to better process and filter incoming messages as compared to our precious daughters, right?].

But there’s one more side to this that’s been unsettling for me recently.

It seems on this side of the “Me Too Movement” where women rose up to say they had equal value to men [which is absolutely true, according to our Creator], the concerning part to me now is that dominance and control is being repackaged as assertiveness. Yet this stance is not only destructive, but it can camouflage arrogance and inflexibility.

This leads me to ponder whether there’s now been a swing in the other direction that supports women pushing others out of the way to get to the top at any cost to themselves or anyone else. But is overpowering others a glorified way to exalt ourselves? I see this being less about positive leadership and more about insecurity and stubbornness.

We all know that more is caught than taught, so this invites the next question:

Dad, are you modeling to your daughter what it looks like to be a servant leader?

Years ago I was talking to a dad in The Abba Project about his 8th grade daughter. She was an only child and he was frustrated with her “selfishness, lack of gratitude and self absorption.” I told him that her narcissistic focus was within normal limits for her age, adding that experts talk about adolescence as “latent toddlerhood” where it’s all about them much of the time. This is when girls hone the skill of using one-word commands like: “me, my, mine, now, no…”

I shared that the best way for her NOT to think about herself would be TO focus on someone else. I encouraged him to find places for to volunteer and give of herself. He loved this idea until I added that an even better strategy would be for him to do it with her.

He immediately said, “that will never happen.”

Sadly, this dad wanted his daughter to change and stop focusing on herself but he was unwilling to do the same.

The words of Jesus come to mind as He flipped everything on its head when it comes to a Kingdom mindset of leadership when He said,

“It’s better to give than to receive.” (Acts 20:35)

“The greatest among you is the one who serves.” (Matthew 23:11)

“When you do something for someone else, don’t call attention to yourself. You’ve seen them in action, I’m sure—‘playactors’ I call them—treating prayer meeting and street corner alike as a stage, acting compassionate as long as someone is watching, playing to the crowds. They get applause, true, but that’s all they get. When you help someone out, don’t think about how it looks. Just do it—quietly and unobtrusively. That is the way your God, who conceived you in love, working behind the scenes, helps you out. (Matthew 6:2-3, MSG)

Dad, the best way to show your daughter what servant leadership looks like is to:

• Show her in real time how to lead selflessly, modeling what it looks like to give without expecting reward, applause or public praise.

• Serve your family consistently and faithfully, at times without them knowing what you’re doing for them [two words: eternal rewards].

• Sacrifice to support the greater good of your family, using these situations as teachable moments so she soaks in the vibrant heritage you’re passing on to her.

• Sponsor a child or organization with your daughter or as a family as you invest in others.

• Sow seeds of love into those in need by volunteering with her.

• Share what you learn along the way---about yourself, other people, the world, Jesus, etc.

Embrace this opportunity to open up a conversation with your daughter about leading as a servant.

Servant leadership started with Jesus and now you get to model the same.

Go Dad!

Guys, Are We Afraid of Asking "Hard" Questions? (Guest Blog by Alex Gerber)

A few months ago I sent an email to Dr. Michelle with this question: “I was wondering...have you ever thought about applying your insights on dad-daughter relationships from ‘Let's Talk’ to a book about marriage? I've been finding your stuff in the ‘Let's Talk’ book to be incredibly helpful for my relationship with my daughters, and it also seems applicable to the marriage relationship too.” 

She immediately wrote back and said, “Wow...there’s an idea I haven’t thought of! I do often remind dads that their wife (or ex-wife) is a daughter too so all these things with their daughters also apply to marriage. I haven’t felt led to write a marriage book, but here’s an idea: What if you gave my book to 10 or 15 guys and then created a support group to apply the same principles to better understand and pursue the hearts of your wives.”

That’s all it took for me to reach out to 12 guys and ask if they would be willing to ask their wife this question: On a scale of 1 to 10, how deeply do I connect with you?

There was a common thread in their initial responses: “That’s a hard question!”

Several were actually not sure if they really wanted to know the answer to this question. And some were afraid to even ask.

Perhaps we as men all hoped that if we asked, we would get at least an 8 or 9. But what if we got a 4 or a 5? How would that feel?

Now I have a question for you guys who are reading this: How would you respond if you got a low number response?

Would you be angry, upset, or defensive?
Would you be deeply wounded?
Would you blame her…or yourself…for the low score?

Or, would you be curious and say, “Please tell me more about why you scored me that way?” or “How can I improve my score?”

To be honest, I was afraid to ask.

Afraid of hard questions that might expose a broken connection.
Afraid of how my wife might answer.
But mostly, afraid because I knew our connection was damaged and I just didn't know how to “fix” it.

“Fixing" a low score, at least to me, involved doing something I thought needed to be done to solve the problem. Then even if she shared something good, if I missed the mark on how she needed to feel more connected to me, my “score” still probably wasn't going to improve.

I’ve realized that when I try harder and harder to “fix” it, we both end up feeling farther and farther away, disconnected. Then I end up even more afraid to ask the tough, difficult questions and more frustrated with where we are.

Asking “harder,” deeper, better questions about our relationships and about how we can improve can be intimidating. Yet it’s also very revealing.

But it is one key way to connect deeper to the heart of the woman and daughters we love.

And finding a way into that depth is essential, in my opinion, to building a strong, healthy connection with her.

I was encouraged recently when asking this same question to a larger group of approximately 50 men.

There were several who were curious to learn more about what their spouse (or girlfriend) might say and how they could connect better.

Even if they felt afraid, they asked. And then they shared the responses they heard. It was clear they wanted a better relationship and were interested in feedback on how to get there.

Guys, how can we move past fear?
How can we love well, listen curiously, and connect deeper?
And how will you know if you are connecting well unless you ask?

Are you ready to be an intentional, courageous man and jump into curiosity about how you are connecting with your wife (or girlfriend) and your daughters?

If you're reading this article through, I'm going to say, YES, YOU ARE!

A man who moves past fear and into the risk of deeper conversations will discover huge potential for discovery, intimacy, and growth.

Let's do this, dads!

Be amazed at the wonder you will uncover in asking and hearing the answer to this simple “hard” question.

Once again, here’s the question to ask your wife (or girlfriend): On a scale of 1 to 10, how deeply do I connect with you…and how can I improve my score?

Ask it today, with a curious, humble heart.

Alex Gerber describes himself as "just a regular guy" who lives in Charleston, SC. He works as a home health physical therapist. He has two daughters Savannah (10) and Eloise (7). They enjoy “adventuring”, being outside, fossil hunting, and playing silly games. He enjoys running, surfing, hiking, camping, and being in nature. Also enjoys asking curious questions to learn and prompt deep thought.