49 Conversation Ice Breakers to Make You a Better Communicator with Your Daughter (Guest Blog by Dr. Joe Martin)

Let’s face it, most of us as men struggle when it comes to meaningful communication with our wives, girlfriends, children, friends, and even other men. 

But like most things in life, effective communication is skill. It’s not something you’re just born with. And like with most things, it takes practice in order to master it.  

To help you in this process, especially with a goal to strengthen your relationship with your daughter, I compiled a list of 49  questions that I call “Conversation Ice Breakers for Men.” You’ll soon discover that with these questions in hand, you’ll more quickly move past the fear of talking (or at least get you started). 

Print it out, and keep it nearby whenever you start to get tongue-tied. Or you can take a screen shot and keep it on your phone for easy access. I even put it in alphabetical order to help you easily remember some of the questions.

[Note: It was primarily meant for conversations with adults, but if you use discernment, it can work great with young daughters and teens as well.]

I’m passionate about helping men win and I assure you that by using these ice breaker questions to open up deeper conversations with your daughter, you’ll be taking steps forward as a courageous and committed dad. I’ve used these questions for years with my wife and daughter and have even committed them to memory. I’ve seen their continual effectiveness in strengthening our communication. 

Bottom line: I want to help you win in the areas that matter most to you as a father. By being proactive in initiating interactions with your daughter, I believe you’ll walk away better equipped and more confident. 

Dr. Joe Martin is an award-winning international speaker, author, and educator who has authored nine books. He is also the host of the #1 radio podcast on iTunes for Christian Men called Real Men Connect and heralds from Chattanooga, TN where he lives with his wife. They have two adult children, one son and one daughter. You can connect with him at www.realmenconnect.com.

Like Father, Like Daughter

We’ve all heard it said that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. For some of us that’s a compliment while for others it feels more like a curse… or at least a major bummer.

When we look in the Bible there sometimes is a pattern to the apple-tree thing but at other times the whole father-to-child legacy doesn’t seem to play out according to plan.

Take Josiah, for instance.  He became king of Judah after the assassination of his father Amon, a king who majorly influenced his people to turn away from God just like his father Manasseh had done before him. Then in the middle of a virtual no man’s land in the purity department, eight-year old Josiah pops up as a righteous, God-fearing king who instituted major spiritual reforms. It’s a mystery as to where his clarity came from at such a young age, especially with relatively no male role model set anywhere in his family tree.  

That right there should give hope to anyone who thinks that their fate is sealed if they come from a screwed up family, and particularly one where the male side hasn’t perhaps been the most stellar examples. Josiah is proof that in each generation we get to make our own choices.

There’s another dad in the Bible who catches my attention. This dad was an awesome role model to his daughter. Caleb and his friend Joshua were the two spies who went into the Promised Land when there were giants inhabiting it. Instead of being freaked out or intimidated by the giants in the land, they saw with eyes of faith and believed that God would keep His promise to give them their land.

Now fast forward to the time where Caleb steps into his role as a dad. His daughter’s name was Achsah and just like her dad, she was a woman of faith and courage, a woman with a voice who wasn’t afraid to ask for what she wanted. It’s obvious that her dad had modeled to her what it meant to be bold and forthright.

Let’s pick up the story in Joshua 15, verse 18:  “One day when Achsah came to her husband, she urged him to ask her father for a field. When she got off her donkey, Caleb asked her, “What can I do for you?” 

I LOVE that question from dad to daughter!  It’s so simple yet so profound. These are six words that every dad should memorize and use regularly.

Caleb brings himself to his daughter’s problem. He is willing to invest of his own time and resources to help her. (And it’s worth noting that he was still a dialed in dad even after his daughter was married!)

Notice the freedom of honest clarity that flows from Achsah’s mouth as she responds to her dad’s question by asking him to do her a special favor and give her springs of water. She obviously knew that she had the foundation of relationship with her dad to ask him for a “special favor.” There was no fear there. She knew he would listen. And the cool thing is that he does it for her. We read that “Caleb gave her the upper and lower springs.” (v. 19)

Do you notice how easily she responded to her dad’s question about what she wanted without holding back?

Do you notice how this dad offered the gift of his attention----solely focused on her?

Do you notice how he gives his daughter more than she asked for?

Dads, I’d encourage you to begin making these six words a regular part of your interactions with your daughters. I promise it will be a life-changer in the way your daughter responds to you!

Thanks Caleb for being a fantastic role model of a dialed-in dad! I know you’ve led the way for countless Girldads in the 21st century to follow in your footsteps.

3 Questions a Dad Might Not Have the Courage to Ask His Daughter

Since the launch of the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, I’ve been using John Gray’s terminology to describe my awareness that I, as a woman, live on Venus and you, dad, live on Mars. I’ve found that this creative terminology helps to explain something we all know:

As men and women, we often miss each other’s intent and meaning in our communication because we speak two very different languages.

I’ve actually been planet hopping for over a decade, and the more traveling I do between our respective spheres, the more I’ve sought to transport observations I’ve made from my planet to yours…and vice versa.

One of the observations I’ve collected is something that I’ve noticed about many men. Essentially, it’s that you are often motivated by crisis or need. Stated otherwise: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

To illustrate, rather than focus on you as men, I’ll highlight an ordeal that my mom lived through.

When she was almost 80 years old, she was still working as an RN at the VA (Veterans Affairs). And being the vibrant and active woman that she was then, she typically walked an hour a day, five or six days a week. And though she began noticing a slight shortness of breath for about a year, she thought it was just part of the aging process and downplayed it.

But on one particular Monday, her symptoms intensified, and this started the fastball rolling when my dad rushed her to the ER that evening. Four days later she had emergency open heart surgery. Her surgeon said he’d performed 14,000 heart surgeries during his career and had never seen an aortic valve so calcified—86%! Yes, it’s a miracle that she survived, and thankfully she is still thriving today, six years later.

Here was the question we all asked back then: How could a woman who was very active and in seemingly fine health have such a huge blockage to her heart without any awareness?

Answer: Things had gradually been taking place in her body such that she had acclimated to the changes over time. And because there hadn’t been a crisis, there was no motivation to explore the apparent minor signs and symptoms that were signaling to her that there was a problem. A very serious problem.

Reality suddenly became clear when the crisis arose. And it was the crisis that changed everything.

We all agreed that it would have been so much better and wiser had she tuned into the warning signs before it got to the desperation-emergency-almost-lost-her point.

Here’s the reason I’m sharing this story with you today: to highlight that sometimes it’s the same way with your daughter. It may seem like things are fine within herself and even between you. Maybe you’re assuming that everything is on par because there’s no obvious crisis or need and because she seems okay and hasn’t gotten into trouble or given you cause for concern. Or maybe she’s been a great kid who follows the rules, gets fantastic grades, and hasn’t rebelled. So you conclude that she’s all good and she’ll stay that way.

But what if more is going on under the surface that she…and you or her mom…aren’t tuning in to? This is where it’s key to have regular check in’s and check up’s, just like my mom will now be doing for the rest of her life.

Why not take time now to tune in by taking steps to connect with her insides (a.k.a. her heart and her mind, thoughts, ideas, fears, doubts, wonderings, questions, opinions, needs, longings, feelings, dreams, etc.) rather than risking the potential of emergency treatment down the road? At that desperation point it’s ten times harder to get a handle on things.

So here’s your action step and it’s probably not what you think! This isn’t about you asking your daughter how she’s doing. Instead, it’s about letting her give you feedback on how you’re doing as a dad….in relationship to her.

The reality is that this conversation will give her space to actually reveal some of her heart to you, which will in turn give you a glimpse into what she needs and wants.

Here are three questions you can ask your daughter today:

1. How am I doing as your dad overall? 

2. On a 0 to 10 scale, what rating would you give me right now as your dad (with 10 being the best, 0 being the worst)?

3. What can I do or what could I work on to be a better dad to you?

This may be scary to ask these questions, but I challenge you to do it anyway. And if she gives you a high score and says there’s no room for improvement, perhaps you could offer one idea that you believe would “up your game” so you are more engaged as her father. 

Your daughter may or may not be honest with you, but you can still invite her to respond. She may not feel safe to answer if she fears your reaction. So assure her that you won’t get angry or be defensive. Tell her that you truly want to hear her thoughts and feelings. And if she doesn’t have the courage to tell you her thoughts face to face, suggest that she write her response and text it to you later.

If you want a better, stronger, healthier, and more vibrant relationship with your daughter, I encourage you to ask these three questions a minimum of once a year (option: meet every six months to re-evaluate).

Are you in? Now you have a script ready to go should you dare to accept this challenge!

I’d love to hear from you after you ask your daughter these questions.

• Was it as hard as you thought it would be?

• Did she say what you thought she would say?

• Did you learn anything about yourself after hearing what she told you?

• Did she give you feedback that you can use to change course with her and better connect with her needs and heart space?

Write me at drmichellewatson@gmail.com and let me know how your conversation went. Go Dads!

Does Your Daughter Know What Servant Leadership Looks Like?

Lately I’ve been pondering something and I want to share it here while it’s fresh. I’d love to get your input so feel free to write me and share your thoughts so we can continue this dialogue (drmichellewatson@gmail.com).

The question I pose to you is this: Does your daughter actually know what servant leadership looks like?

• Does she give without anyone knowing about it (a.k.a without posting it on her socials)?

• Does she sacrifice to see others (including her siblings) succeed?

• Does she delay gratification in order to save for something later?

• Does she donate to needs outside of herself?

• Does she know what it looks like to serve without being applauded?  

• Does she have an altruistic mindset where she gives even if she receives nothing in return?

So just in case it sounds like I’m coming down too hard on your daughter, I promise you I’m cheering her on to be all that God has made her to be!

And if you’re like many dads I interact with, I’m surely not telling you anything new when saying that your daughter is immersed in a culture that encourages her to embrace a mindset based in a philosophy that shouts: “See me…follow me…like me!”

Not only is this message everywhere on social media…but when her peers and influencers define popularity and success in certain ways, often without even knowing it, she’s internalizing  and being shaped by this this value system. [Of course this relates to us as adults and parents too, but we have fully developed brains to better process and filter incoming messages as compared to our precious daughters, right?].

But there’s one more side to this that’s been unsettling for me recently.

It seems on this side of the “Me Too Movement” where women rose up to say they had equal value to men [which is absolutely true, according to our Creator], the concerning part to me now is that dominance and control is being repackaged as assertiveness. Yet this stance is not only destructive, but it can camouflage arrogance and inflexibility.

This leads me to ponder whether there’s now been a swing in the other direction that supports women pushing others out of the way to get to the top at any cost to themselves or anyone else. But is overpowering others a glorified way to exalt ourselves? I see this being less about positive leadership and more about insecurity and stubbornness.

We all know that more is caught than taught, so this invites the next question:

Dad, are you modeling to your daughter what it looks like to be a servant leader?

Years ago I was talking to a dad in The Abba Project about his 8th grade daughter. She was an only child and he was frustrated with her “selfishness, lack of gratitude and self absorption.” I told him that her narcissistic focus was within normal limits for her age, adding that experts talk about adolescence as “latent toddlerhood” where it’s all about them much of the time. This is when girls hone the skill of using one-word commands like: “me, my, mine, now, no…”

I shared that the best way for her NOT to think about herself would be TO focus on someone else. I encouraged him to find places for to volunteer and give of herself. He loved this idea until I added that an even better strategy would be for him to do it with her.

He immediately said, “that will never happen.”

Sadly, this dad wanted his daughter to change and stop focusing on herself but he was unwilling to do the same.

The words of Jesus come to mind as He flipped everything on its head when it comes to a Kingdom mindset of leadership when He said,

“It’s better to give than to receive.” (Acts 20:35)

“The greatest among you is the one who serves.” (Matthew 23:11)

“When you do something for someone else, don’t call attention to yourself. You’ve seen them in action, I’m sure—‘playactors’ I call them—treating prayer meeting and street corner alike as a stage, acting compassionate as long as someone is watching, playing to the crowds. They get applause, true, but that’s all they get. When you help someone out, don’t think about how it looks. Just do it—quietly and unobtrusively. That is the way your God, who conceived you in love, working behind the scenes, helps you out. (Matthew 6:2-3, MSG)

Dad, the best way to show your daughter what servant leadership looks like is to:

• Show her in real time how to lead selflessly, modeling what it looks like to give without expecting reward, applause or public praise.

• Serve your family consistently and faithfully, at times without them knowing what you’re doing for them [two words: eternal rewards].

• Sacrifice to support the greater good of your family, using these situations as teachable moments so she soaks in the vibrant heritage you’re passing on to her.

• Sponsor a child or organization with your daughter or as a family as you invest in others.

• Sow seeds of love into those in need by volunteering with her.

• Share what you learn along the way---about yourself, other people, the world, Jesus, etc.

Embrace this opportunity to open up a conversation with your daughter about leading as a servant.

Servant leadership started with Jesus and now you get to model the same.

Go Dad!

Guys, Are We Afraid of Asking "Hard" Questions? (Guest Blog by Alex Gerber)

A few months ago I sent an email to Dr. Michelle with this question: “I was wondering...have you ever thought about applying your insights on dad-daughter relationships from ‘Let's Talk’ to a book about marriage? I've been finding your stuff in the ‘Let's Talk’ book to be incredibly helpful for my relationship with my daughters, and it also seems applicable to the marriage relationship too.” 

She immediately wrote back and said, “Wow...there’s an idea I haven’t thought of! I do often remind dads that their wife (or ex-wife) is a daughter too so all these things with their daughters also apply to marriage. I haven’t felt led to write a marriage book, but here’s an idea: What if you gave my book to 10 or 15 guys and then created a support group to apply the same principles to better understand and pursue the hearts of your wives.”

That’s all it took for me to reach out to 12 guys and ask if they would be willing to ask their wife this question: On a scale of 1 to 10, how deeply do I connect with you?

There was a common thread in their initial responses: “That’s a hard question!”

Several were actually not sure if they really wanted to know the answer to this question. And some were afraid to even ask.

Perhaps we as men all hoped that if we asked, we would get at least an 8 or 9. But what if we got a 4 or a 5? How would that feel?

Now I have a question for you guys who are reading this: How would you respond if you got a low number response?

Would you be angry, upset, or defensive?
Would you be deeply wounded?
Would you blame her…or yourself…for the low score?

Or, would you be curious and say, “Please tell me more about why you scored me that way?” or “How can I improve my score?”

To be honest, I was afraid to ask.

Afraid of hard questions that might expose a broken connection.
Afraid of how my wife might answer.
But mostly, afraid because I knew our connection was damaged and I just didn't know how to “fix” it.

“Fixing" a low score, at least to me, involved doing something I thought needed to be done to solve the problem. Then even if she shared something good, if I missed the mark on how she needed to feel more connected to me, my “score” still probably wasn't going to improve.

I’ve realized that when I try harder and harder to “fix” it, we both end up feeling farther and farther away, disconnected. Then I end up even more afraid to ask the tough, difficult questions and more frustrated with where we are.

Asking “harder,” deeper, better questions about our relationships and about how we can improve can be intimidating. Yet it’s also very revealing.

But it is one key way to connect deeper to the heart of the woman and daughters we love.

And finding a way into that depth is essential, in my opinion, to building a strong, healthy connection with her.

I was encouraged recently when asking this same question to a larger group of approximately 50 men.

There were several who were curious to learn more about what their spouse (or girlfriend) might say and how they could connect better.

Even if they felt afraid, they asked. And then they shared the responses they heard. It was clear they wanted a better relationship and were interested in feedback on how to get there.

Guys, how can we move past fear?
How can we love well, listen curiously, and connect deeper?
And how will you know if you are connecting well unless you ask?

Are you ready to be an intentional, courageous man and jump into curiosity about how you are connecting with your wife (or girlfriend) and your daughters?

If you're reading this article through, I'm going to say, YES, YOU ARE!

A man who moves past fear and into the risk of deeper conversations will discover huge potential for discovery, intimacy, and growth.

Let's do this, dads!

Be amazed at the wonder you will uncover in asking and hearing the answer to this simple “hard” question.

Once again, here’s the question to ask your wife (or girlfriend): On a scale of 1 to 10, how deeply do I connect with you…and how can I improve my score?

Ask it today, with a curious, humble heart.

Alex Gerber describes himself as "just a regular guy" who lives in Charleston, SC. He works as a home health physical therapist. He has two daughters Savannah (10) and Eloise (7). They enjoy “adventuring”, being outside, fossil hunting, and playing silly games. He enjoys running, surfing, hiking, camping, and being in nature. Also enjoys asking curious questions to learn and prompt deep thought.