Five Steps for Taking Away the MYSTERY of Father Your Daughter

I often hear fathers tell me that their daughters are complicated and complex, confusing and unpredictable. I get that.

But believe it or not, I honestly believe that we girls are not as hard to understand as we may seem…once you figure out the simple tricks to gaining access to our hearts, that is!

My decoding strategy for you is coming to you straight from the one Man in all of history who always got it right when it came to relationships.  Of course you know who I’m talking about: Jesus. I figure there’s nothing better than learning from the best!

Here are five “easy” steps to decoding and relating to your daughter, especially during those times when things are emotionally intense (and may seem SPOOKY to you!).

(And if you don’t want to read further and just want a one-step plan, I would say to be gentle, soft, and calm.  And yes, those ARE manly words, I assure you, because only a strong man can accomplish this…it’s hard!).

Here goes:  There were two sisters, Martha and Mary, and they were close, personal friends of Jesus. He knew them and they knew him. For better or worse. 

Let’s pick up the story (from Luke 10:38-42 if you want to look it up later) where Martha is overly reactive, super stressed, and basically freaking out. 

If you can relate to experiencing any of those realities in your home, listen to what Jesus (with his male energy) did to enter the fray with his frazzled female friend. 

1.  He lets her vent to Him while He listens to all of it.
Even when she dramatically tells Jesus that he “doesn’t care” (false assumptions always take place during meltdowns) she continues by crying about having to do everything “by myself.” And if that wasn’t enough, she then barks at Jesus and demands that he tell her sister to help her. Surprisingly, he doesn’t lecture but listens and essentially absorbs her intensity by being her sounding board.

2.  He says her name twice….gently and lovingly.
There’s something calming when any of us hear our name.  And for us girls, it’s grounding for us to be spoken to by name. If you speak your daughter’s name with love in your tone and in a gentle way, she will usually come towards you----maybe not right away, but it is a powerful, healing strategy that works.

3.  He sits with her in her emotional reality.
Notice that he doesn’t try and talk her out of what she’s feeling or try to get her to think rationally. No lecture. No criticism.  Jesus knows that she couldn’t hear it anyway while being so worked up.  So he simply stays with her, looks at her, validates her, and puts words to what she’s feeling, calling it “worry” and “upset.”  He tenderly names her emotions. No judgment.

4.  He highlights all that is on her life plate.
As girls we are wired to multi-task.  That’s why we can talk on the phone, paint our nails, watch a show, and do homework…all at the same time!  Yet all of a sudden we reach our max and then comes the explosion.  Again, this is where we need gentle grace not power positions.  Jesus just told Martha that he knew she had “many things” going on, leading to her melt down.  How kind of him to notice.  If you validate all that is pressing in on your daughter, your words will go long and far to make her feel heard and understood.

5.  He directs her to focus on one thing.
Jesus tells her that “only one thing is needed.”  The implication is that it’s about focusing on Him as the one thing rather than all the needs around her.  When we girls get overwhelmed with the much, we need gentle, supportive guidance to take it one thing at a time.  Breaking it down into bite size pieces is immensely helpful when we’re breaking down.
Summing up: 

• When your daughter is melting down, sit alongside her and listen to her vent, move towards her and lovingly say her name.

• Tell her that you understand that she is “worried and upset.” 

• Let her know you do see that she has a lot on her plate, and assist in helping her to focus on one thing. 

I know it’s easier said than done but these five things will make all the difference in the eye of the storm when you are there trying to keep up with her complexity.  And after the storm has passed, the main thing your daughter will remember is that you, Dad, were there in it with her.

Choose one thing from the list above right now and commit to putting it into action this week out of love for your daughter, which is the best way to turn this week into a “HalloWIN” celebration! 

To Boo or Not to Boo...That is the Question

Since this is Halloween Week, it seems only fitting to share something that might be considered a treat (if this indeed is helpful, that is!)…or maybe it’s a trick. I’ll let you decide.

First, a question: When you hear the word “boo!” what comes to mind?

I’m guessing that you’re picturing someone shouting that word while jumping out from a hiding place towards you. And if the attempt is successful, you probably had the bageebers scared out of you when they did!

But instead of that specific reference point, I’m switching things up today (hence, the trick!).

When I hear the word “boo,” I immediately think of an audience in a sports arena loudly shouting that word to a referee when they disagree with a call. Can you envision that roaring sound as an entire crowd of strangers bonds over their shared opinion in response to a team they love?

In that context, the word “boo” expresses disagreement and intense displeasure, which basically lines up with Webster’s definition of it being a response marked by someone “showing disapproval or contempt.” This led me to look up the word contempt, which is described as “the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.”

 That said, I’m wondering if you as a dad are more readily inclined to shout a “boo” or a cheer.

If we’re being honest, we can all admit to having “boo-ed” someone before. In those times we can easily move into a “one up” position that not only communicates disapproval, but might come across as mockery of the other person’s decision or position. Of course that isn’t typically our intention, but that’s how the other person could perceive it, especially daughters from their dads.

We as women are easily devastated with that kind of negative interaction, even if sometimes we’re the one who started it. That’s where you as a dad have to be the bigger person. I’m not sure why it is, but there’s something that becomes magnified inside us as girls when there’s a disapproving look from you even if words aren’t spoken. We have feelers on top of feelers and then we internalize your disapproval. Honestly, there’s nothing worse than knowing we’ve disappointed you. It’s not the same as if some stupid kid at school says it.

It’s like we lose our footing if that viewpoint comes from someone we admire or elevate, especially you.

When it comes to our dads, it’s a devastating blow when you “boo” us. That’s when we start believing that we’re “less than” or worthless or deserving of your scorn because that’s what we hear you saying about us (even if you’re unaware that this is what’s being communicated). It’s then that we often stop trying because we think that we can’t please you anyway. Or we get hurt when you haven’t noticed how hard we’re trying because you only notice the things we aren’t doing (hence, the “boo”).

 The weight of the relationship has everything to do with the impact of the opinion.

 So if you’re a dad who wants to ensure that you’re not “boo-ing” your daughter, use these questions to reflect on how you interact with her:

• Does your daughter hear your comments about her clothing only when you disapprove of the choices she’s made?

• Does she know when you do approve of how she’s dressed because she hears you telling her that she’s beautiful in your eyes?

• Do you readily make your opinion known when you don’t like the guy she’s interested in or do you make sure she knows how proud you are of her when she chooses well, especially when it comes to guys? (you might have to dig deep on this one to find something worthy of your commendation)

• Do you let her know your disapproval when she doesn’t do her chores or follow the rules, but fail to celebrate when she does respond positively and do things right?

• Do you come down hard on her when her grades start to slip, but forget to applaud her when she hits it out of the ballpark on tests or gets her homework done?

• Does your daughter get an earful when you disapprove of the way she interacts with her siblings, but rarely hears you notice all the times she works hard to get along with them?

Remember that negativity breeds negativity so if you want your daughter to grow and thrive, she needs to hear you cheering her on from the stands more than using that three letter word.

So Dad, ask yourself if you’ve shouted more “boo’s” than cheers this week. Then give your daughter a Halloween treat by letting her know that you’re celebrating her with affirmation and encouragement…just because you love her.

Bad Hair Days and How Dad Can Save the Day

It's a Friday afternoon in August.

2:30 pm. I had just gotten my hair cut and it turned out way shorter than I had wanted. The cut wasn’t bad--it just wasn’t what I expected.

5:30 pm. My parents pick me up and we head to Panera for dinner. Of course I vent about my haircut. For ten minutes. It was then that my mom (who is the sweetest, most gentle and tender soul on the planet) turned around and lovingly said to me, “Do you think we could be happy now and maybe just move on?”

I’d love to say that I received her invitation with grace and thanksgiving. But no. Here’s what you would have heard if you were a fly on the inside of the car door as I responded with depth and maturity (not!):

“How do you think my clients would feel if, after ten minutes of being in my office, I told them that they’d had enough of feeling sad for today and now it was time to move on and be happy?”

I then added, “I have the privilege of listening to people’s struggles all week and now it's my turn to be listened to. But you want me to be instantly happy. I figure things out by processing and I just need you to listen as I talk it out. That is a gift to me.”

My cute momma said she would try to listen more (even though she’d clearly had enough of my bitchin’ and moanin’). But I kind of shut down after that, even though I was trying hard not to.

Through all of this my dad was sitting in the driver’s seat of the car, not saying a word. He held the ground steady as the ripples of the earthquake that started in the backseat were making their way forward. After living with four daughters and a wife, he’s learned at times like this that it’s best to stay silent until the storm has passed.

5:55 pm. We walk into Panera. The emotional air is thick around us but we order our food and try to salvage the evening as a best we could. My dad tells me that he really likes my haircut.

“You do? You’re not just saying that?,” I eek out.

“I think it is shaped nicely around your face and looks great on you.”

“For real? You promise you really mean that? Okay, I’ll try to believe you...thanks Dad.”

Hearing my dad’s truth about my hair helped me to look through his eyes and settle down. I guess I needed a man’s perspective more than I even realized.

My dad got it right that time. His tone, his truth, and his timing were spot on.

6:05 p.m. I can breathe again. Now I’m ready to enjoy eating a fantastic Greek Chicken Salad with a whole wheat baguette on the side. Partial melt down complete. Total melt down averted.

I don’t know what happens at times like this for us girls when the world seems to cave in over a seemingly insignificant thing and it’s hard to regain solid footing. That’s when dad wins the triple word score by saying just the right thing in just the right way at just the right time.

It doesn’t have to be a ton of verbiage, but your calming presence, Dad, and a few words of affirmation seem to do the trick.

The emotional torrents where the winds and waves hit unexpectedly have a way of dying down when the response from you parallels the desired outcome: soft, gentle, tender, rational, clear. That’s when you save the day. That’s when you save our day.

Dad, you can rescue a bad hair day and help turn it around by following a few simple steps.

Let’s call them the “Five Hair Don’t’s and Hair Do’s”:

1. Don’t talk louder in an attempt to overpower her intensity when she’s overwhelmed.
Do talk softly and gently (even if that doesn’t seem very manly!).

2. Don’t tell her what to feel or not to feel.
Do tell her you’re truly sorry she’s having a hard day.

3. Don’t tell her she is making a mountain out of a molehill.
Do tell her that mountains (of emotional intensity) are part of life and you’ll always be at the base of the mountain, ready and steady.

4. Don’t tell her that she needs to toughen up.
Do tell her that her sensitivity is one of her greatest strengths while teaching her by your example what it looks like to stay calm in the storm and work it through.

5. Don’t tell her she shouldn’t care about external things, like haircuts.
Do tell her that you care about what she cares about (even if you can’t fully understand it from her perspective).

On the worst hair day, there’s nothing like having a dad who is in your corner cheering you on, telling you that you’re going to be okay while affirming you through the process.

Dad...don’t ever forget how much we need you through the high’s and the low’s of life. You are one of our greatest resources when you come alongside us and help save the day.

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