Fathering Regrets from Nike Co-Founder Phil Knight

For the bulk of my life I lived in Portland, Oregon in the heart of Nike country. In fact, the church I attended for over 25 years is on the street where the company’s world headquarters resides.

I’ve had lots of friends who work for Nike and have done everything from designing shoes to leading international teams to doing various jobs in between. There’s even been a number of dads in The Abba Project who have been part of the Nike family. All this to say, the swoosh has been commonly seen and worn in my community!

This leads me to ask: Have you read or heard of Nike co-founder, Phil Knight’s, best-selling memoir, Shoe Dog? In this book, he shares his journey from launching a struggling start-up to becoming what is now a fifty-billion-plus- dollar company, and the world’s largest supplier of athletic shoes and apparel.

What I’ve noticed is that when Mr. Knight talks, people listen. And when Mr. Knight talks about life lessons he’s learned along the way—especially the hard way—people really listen.

That said, his reflections at the end of his book about being a dad are particularly noteworthy:

It might be nice to tell the story of Nike. Everyone else has told the story, or tried to, but they always get half the facts, if that, and none of the spirit. Or vice versa. I might start the story, or end it, with regrets. The hundreds—maybe thousands—of bad decisions . . . Of course, above all, I regret not spending more time with my sons. Maybe, if I had, I could’ve solved the encrypted code of Matthew Knight. And yet I know that this regret clashes with my secret regret—that I can’t do it all over again.

The fact that Phil’s son Matthew died in a scuba diving accident at the age of 34 makes these poignant words spoken by a man in his late seventies who wishes he’d been a more invested father even more powerful.

To state the obvious, he can’t get time back and he can’t get his son back.

• Dad, don’t let this be your story.

• Decide now to re-examine your priorities.

• Don’t wait.

• Just do it!

And this isn’t about perfection because no one is perfect. It is, however, about pursuing time with your daughter no matter what challenges arise, at any cost to yourself.

Taking Mr. Knight’s words to heart, I challenge you to ask yourself this question: Do I want to live with purpose (with clearly defined goals with specific and measurable action steps) or with regret when it comes to my role as a GirlDad?

I know you want to live with purpose as a father and actively pursue your daughter’s heart by putting your love for her into action or you wouldn’t have read my blog today.

So now let’s get practical and personal.

1. Ask yourself: Am I spending “enough” time with my daughter?
   (Yes, this is a relative term and may be hard to answer specifically…so search your heart and be honest with yourself. A “no excuses” mindset increases the likelihood of living with no regrets).

2. Ask yourself: What am I willing to change/give up/adapt to increase my flexibility and visibility to meet my daughter in this season?
   (Ex: Start work later to drive her to school, work out at another time so you’re available when she has time, invite her to join you in activities that allow for more consistent bonding, set up consistent calls or FaceTime to create a rhythm of connection she can count on…)

3. Ask your daughter: “Are we spending as much time together as you’d like?”

4. Ask your daughter: “What are one or two ways I can be more present in your life…and be specific about where I can meet you in your world.”

There it is Dad: two questions to ask yourself and two to ask your daughter.

You know how much I encourage you to TALK and LISTEN as you interact with your daughter so she can tell you what she feels, thinks, believes and needs…especially from you.

It’s up to YOU to initiate the conversation.

And yes, your daughter may or may not respond positively as you pursue her heart, yet as you consistently initiate connecting with her in real time, you’ll always know you put your time where your heart is…and that’s how you clarify your purpose to live without (or with less) regrets.

Go Dad!

GirlDad Gold: 8 Life Lessons from Alysa Liu and Her Dad

If you watched the Milan Cortina Winter Olympics last month, you no doubt watched the joyous celebration of Alysa Liu when she single-handedly turned women’s figure skating upside down as she won gold. Ever since, this courageous 20-year old is continuing to blow everyone away with her wealth of wisdom that is far beyond her years, as demonstrated with these powerful statements:

 “I love struggling, actually. It makes me feel alive.”

"I'm really confident in myself, and even if I mess up and fall,
that's totally okay.”

"What I like to share about myself is my story, my art and my creative process... A bad story is still a story, and I think that's beautiful. There's no way to lose.”

Wow. Talk about inspirational deep truth. I want to be more like her with a fierce growth mindset, don’t you?

Would you love your daughter to be motivated by a similar self-confidence? Of course you would!

You want to see her thrive as she boldly steps into being all God has made her to be, shaped by resilience even when there’s loss, humbly embracing triumph despite struggle, and courage to never give up or lose sight of who she is.

As you think of your role in supporting your daughter, here are eight life lessons tucked into Alysa’s story, including dynamics with her father, Arthur:

Alysa’s story, including dynamics with her father, Arthur:

1. Start by Believing Big
Arthur Liu believed in his daughter early. He saw her spark on the ice and didn’t dismiss it as “just a phase.” He invested time, money, and energy into helping her develop her talent. Alysa became the youngest U.S. women’s national champion in history at age 13. She landed jumps other American women weren’t attempting at the time. But before the titles, there was a dad who said, “I see something in you.”

Lesson for GirlDads:
Your belief becomes her internal voice. When she wonders, “Am I capable?” she will hear echoes of what you’ve said as it repeats inside her mind and heart for years.

2. Support Her Dreams — But Don’t Make Them Yours
Arthur was deeply involved in Alysa’s skating career. His level of involvement helped launch her success…but it also created tension. As Alysa matured, she realized she needed more ownership. She later said she didn’t want her dad to be as invested in her skating as he had been before. That wasn’t rejection (though he may have thought it at the time); this was individuation and differentiation.

Lesson for GirlDads:
There is a fine line between championing her dream and unconsciously adopting it as your identity. The goal is not to live through her success but to stand beside her in it.

3. Excellence Without Joy Has an Expiration Date
Alysa’s early career was meteoric. She broke records, made history, and carried enormous expectations. But eventually, she stepped away from competitive skating — at just 16 years old. Why? Because it had stopped being fun.

She described wanting a more normal life. She wanted to discover who she was as a person, not just as a skater. She wanted to breathe. This decision stunned the skating world. But it revealed something critical: talent without joy cannot sustain a young heart forever.

Lesson for GirlDads:
Ask her regularly: “Are you still loving this?” Not because quitting is the goal — but because joy is fuel. When the passion dies, no amount of pressure will resurrect it in a healthy way.

One of the most striking parts of their story is that Alysa didn’t consult her dad before announcing her retirement. Arthur admitted he felt hurt. But here’s what he did well: he didn’t publicly shame her, pressure her, or try to reverse her choice. He let her own it.

Lesson for GirlDads:
There will come a moment when your daughter makes a decision you disagree with — about sports, college, career, relationships, or life direction. Your response in that moment shapes your long-term connection.

You can be disappointed and still be supportive. That balance is pure gold to a daughter.

5. Step Back So She Can Step Forward
After time away from skating, Alysa chose to return. But this time, she did it differently. She structured her training with more autonomy. She defined the boundaries of her dad’s involvement. And something beautiful happened: she skated freer.

When she returned to the Olympic stage, there was visible joy in her performance. She trusted her intuition and debuted new, unprecedented jumps while enthusiastically celebrating her love of the sport.

Lesson for GirlDads:
If you don’t step back eventually, she can’t fully step into herself. Your willingness to release control communicates trust. And trust breeds confidence in girls and women.

6. Your Relationship Matters More Than the Resumé
It’s easy for high-achieving families to measure everything: scores, rankings, scholarships, titles. But long after the medals tarnish, what remains is the relationship. Despite the tension in their dynamic, Alysa has spoken respectfully about her dad. Arthur has spoken proudly of her — even when she chose differently than he would have preferred. They navigated complexity without severing connection.

Lesson for GirlDads:
Guard your relationship more fiercely than her achievements. If forced to choose between a trophy and trust, choose trust every time. Because when her world shakes — and it will — she’ll run toward safety [a.k.a. you], not away from it [a.k.a. you].

7. Teach Her That Identity Is Bigger Than One Arena
When Alysa retired, she didn’t disappear. She explored life beyond elite sport. She embraced college experiences, friendships, and growth outside of skating. Her identity became more defined as her world expanded.

That’s critical for daughters who grow up in performance-driven environments. If all they’ve ever been told is who they are when they win, they struggle when the applause fades. Arthur’s early focus was largely centered on skating. Over time, the lesson evolved: Alysa is more than her jumps.

Lesson for GirlDads:
Affirm her character more than her competence. Tell her she’s brave, thoughtful, creative, kind — not just talented. A daughter grounded in identity can withstand both failure and fame.

8. Redefine Winning
Gold medals represent discipline, resilience, and excellence. But Alysa’s most meaningful victory may not be a podium moment. It may be that she learned to skate for the joy she found in doing what she loves.
She once expressed that she would still skate even if no one were watching. That’s the kind of intrinsic motivation every father hopes his daughter develops — not performing for approval, but moving from internal conviction. Arthur’s early belief helped launch her. His later restraint allowed her to reclaim ownership and connect to her authentic motivation and inspiration.

That process — from director to supporter — is the hidden gold.

Lesson for GirlDads:
Winning is raising a daughter who can say, “I’m embracing the life God has given me, and I choose to inspire those around me by stepping into my unique gifts and calling.”

What They Did Well — And What They Learned

What they did well:

• Early belief and investment

• Courage to pursue excellence

• Pride without public hostility during hard seasons

• Willingness to evolve the relationship

What they didn’t do perfectly:

• Over-involvement blurred boundaries

• Intensity sometimes overshadowed childhood normalcy

• Communication gaps created hurt

But here’s the hope-filled truth: Perfection isn’t required to raise a strong daughter; growth is.

Dad, you’re in good company with every dad when you acknowledge that you will misstep. You will push too hard sometimes or not hard enough at others. The goal is not flawless fatherhood. The goal is responsive fatherhood — listening, adjusting, and loving through change.

So when your daughter dares to chase a dream that feels bigger than her age, her size, or even her sport, she doesn’t just need talent. She needs a dad who knows when to lean in and when to let go, a dad who celebrates her victories and losses while communicating unconditional love throughout the process.

This is what it looks like to be a gold-winning GirlDad!

10 Do's for Leading Your Daughter to Resolve Conflict

In my last blog you learned 10 things NOT to do (I called them “DON’T’s”) when it comes to leading the way in resolving conflicts with your daughter. And today is Part 2 with 10 things to DO to bring peace to your daughter during stressful times. 

These conflict resolution skills are designed to help YOU stay grounded to lead your daughter to a positive resolution with you at the helm.

You notice I’m using the word LEAD more than once. This is because it’s up to YOU to take the initiative to model healthy responses to your daughter. I know it’s easier said than done, but because your little apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree, the better able you are to stay regulated and calm, the better able she’ll be to follow your lead and regulate herself.

Before I share the DO’s list for solid conflict resolution, let’s review the DON’T’s of things to avoid as you help your daughter resolve conflicts in a positive way with you, her siblings and friends. (At the end of this blog, I’m attaching a pdf you can copy off and put it in a prominent place as a reminder of these 20 truths). 

10 DON’T’s for Leading Your Daughter to Resolve Conflicts:

1. DON’T raise your voice and escalate by yelling.

2. DON’T fire words at her, coupled with intense emotion in an attempt to gain control of her and/or the situation.

3. DON’T disrespect her while demanding that she respect you.

4. DON’T forget that she will follow your example.

5. DON’T expect her to be the first to soften her tone and react right.

6. DON’T demand that she immediately respond to what you say or ask.

7. DON’T walk away while shouting or reacting.

8. DON’T make fun of her for what she says or how she feels.

9. DON’T go it alone.

10. DON’T believe the lie that you don’t matter when it comes to shaping your daughter’s life and identity.

Whew….you made it through the list of DON’T’s! Well done. Now take a breath and soak in the positive things you can do to help turn things in a better direction when the intensity increases…in you and your daughter.

10 DO's to Lead Your Daughter to Resolve Conflict:

1. DO treat her the way you want to be treated. (If you want her to respect you and/or her mom, your home/rules, etc., make sure you’re modeling what respect looks like in action).

2. DO lead by example. (You’re a leader, whether you know it or not. Your daughter will follow your lead by watching how you respond to her and those around you).

3. DO stay calm and filter every word that comes out of your mouth. (Do this just like you do when you’re at your best, in a public place, or on the job while being mindful that your responses are being watched and they matter. This requires self-control, which is a fruit of the Spirit so He will help you if you ask).

4. DO take a “time out” when you’re triggered that matches your age. (For example, if you’re 35 years old, take 35 minutes to walk away from the situation so your brain can calm itself. Then come back and continue the interaction. You’ll never regret waiting to address something later…guarantee it!)

5. DO be the first to admit wrong and ask forgiveness for your part in the conflict. (When you own your stuff, take responsibility, and make amends, she will respond positively to your vulnerability and humility).

6. DO try texting or writing a note to express yourself. (This will allow her to hear your words without being triggered or overwhelmed by the intensity of your words, tone, and body language).

7. DO ask your daughter’s mom or other adult females to help you decode your daughter and better understand her point of view. (Be open to input from others to expand your awareness beyond what you know or have experienced).

8. DO get close enough to see her eyes during the conflict and seek to validate the place inside where she is hurting. (Eyes are the window to the soul and when you see her hurt, you’ll be better able to reach her heart).

9. DO listen more than talk as you seek to grasp what she’s saying and hear where she needs you to understand. (Ask more questions than giving statements because the more she feels heard, seen and understood by you, the quicker she’ll calm down and co-regulate with you. Communicate that you want to understand and need her help to do so).

10. DO rest assured that long after the conflict is over, she will remember that you loved her as you’ve sought to win her heart more than the argument. (This is about looking at the bigger picture and thinking about the long game beyond the present moment and conflict).

These 20 specific ways to be a leader in your home as you seek to model relational health with your daughter. And though every one of these skills takes practice, they provide a road map for intentional, positive investment in her life.

As I shared last time, I trust this list of DO’s and DON’T’s serves to remind you during challenging moments that you can actually strengthen your relationship with your daughter and deepen your bond by how you proactively work through the situation to a positive resolution.

To download the PDF with all 20 Do's and Don'ts, click here. 

I’m cheering you on as you DECREASE YOUR DON’T’s and INREASE YOUR DO’s when it comes to being a conflict resolver. Go Dad!

10 Don’t’s for Leading Your Daughter to Resolve Conflict

We all know that being good at resolving conflict is not easy. Do I hear an “amen”?!

The reality is that being competent at resolving conflict is a learned skill, not something we’re innately wired to do.

Of course there are certain personalities that tend to run hot (which can be tied to individual wiring, trauma triggers, birth order, etc.), yet we all can benefit from a refresher course in strengthening our base when it comes to being more proactive and less reactive when it comes to handling conflicts and disagreements. Are you with me?!

As a GirlDad, you clearly know that more is caught than taught. So as you model what it looks like to be a conflict-resolver, your daughter will grow along with you. And the more you’re able to de-escalate the situation by regulating and calming your own nervous system responses, the more peace there will be in and with your daughter.

Today I’m sharing 10 things NOT to do to increase the likelihood of a positive resolution with your daughter when it comes to conflict resolution. This will help in your relationship with her, and also as you help her resolve conflicts with siblings and friends.

Then in in two weeks I’ll give you the other side with 10 things TO DO to resolve conflict with your daughter. (I’ll attach a pdf next time so you can copy it off and put it in a prominent place to remind you of these truths).

 
10 DON’T’s for Leading Your Daughter to Resolve Conflicts:

1.  DON’T raise your voice and escalate by yelling. (If you don’t want her to raise her voice, scream, swear, rage, come unhinged, etc., then you must lead the way by refusing to engage in any of these behaviors first).
   

2. DON’T fire words at her, coupled with intense emotion in an attempt to gain control of her and/or the situation. (Set a time limit with yourself--even now--and practice being self-aware as to when it’s wisdom to take a break. When you control yourself, you’re positively helping to resolve the conflict by decreasing the flow of reactivity).
   

3. DON’T disrespect her while demanding that she respect you. (This one is tricky because you obviously have to intervene if there’s harm to herself or others, and there needs to be an intervention. But as a rule, be mindful of modeling respect, which includes honoring her ‘no’ and negotiating a later conversation after you’ve both calmed down).
   

4. DON’T forget that she will follow your example. (This goes both ways---positive and negative. It’s called “Laws of the Harvest” where you reap what you sow in her life. The more you water the soil of her heart with consistent, nurturing deposits, the more she’ll grow and be full of life).
   

5. DON’T expect her to be the first to soften her tone and react right. (This is a hard one at times when you have to be the mature one when everything in you wants to react to her reaction. But it’s up to you to set the pace for relational health as you lead the way).
   

6. DON’T demand that she immediately respond to what you say or ask. (Remember that when her mid-brain is on fire and there’s upset and overwhelm, she needs time to cool off before she can listen or talk rationally).
   

7. DON’T walk away while shouting or reacting. (Let her know if you need to leave the room or the call, you will come back in “x” number of minutes so she is clear about your expectations and knows there will be an attempt at resolution later).
   

8. DON’T make fun of her for what she says or how she feels. (This is especially true if she makes no sense to you and her problems seems insignificant or invalid).
   

9.  DON’T go it alone. (Allow yourself to ask for help, support, and input from other dads, other women who were once your daughter’s age, as well as a counselor, mentor or pastor).
   

10. DON’T believe the lie that you don’t matter when it comes to shaping your daughter’s life and identity. (This goes beyond the current conflict and serves as a reminder that with every difficult situation, there is an opportunity to go deeper relationally with your daughter.)

Dad, I know it’s never fun, pleasant, or easy to navigate conflict, especially when it’s with your daughter whom you love with all your heart. And because it’s a normal part of relational health to have disagreements, it’s all about learning how to positively work through things rather than avoiding conflict.

I trust this list of ‘DON’T’s’ serves to remind you during challenging moments that you can actually strengthen your relationship with your daughter and deepen your bond by how you proactively work through the situation to a positive resolution.

I’m cheering you on as you DECREASE YOUR DON’T’S when it comes to being a conflict resolver. And in two weeks you’ll get the DO’s list…so be sure to follow along for Part 2. Go Dad!

Dad, Don't TRICK Your Daughter, TREAT Her Well

Whether Halloween is a holiday you and your daughter enjoy or not, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to weave this theme into my Dad-Daughter Friday Blog this week.

Dressing up for Halloween is something I’ve been doing since I was a little girl. And because costumes were mostly homemade back then---in the 60’s and 70’s---I usually ended up as a gypsy since we could use things we had around the house. 

My mom put bright red lipstick on my lips and penciled a black beauty mark onto my cheek. I then donned an outrageously huge skirt with a scarf over my head covered in plastic coins. It was actually the best repeat costume my mom could muster and one that took very little effort since it was worn year after year. We called that a win-win!

By contrast, my dad grew up with very little parental involvement, not just on Halloween, but on the other 364 days of the year as well. Living on the south side of Chicago as one of seven kids, he grew up with two primary, life-defining variables: extreme poverty and an alcoholic dad. Among other realities, those two themes resulted in him fending for himself much of the time, with very few memories of interacting with his father.

My dad has shared some of his Halloween memories with me, including those of costumes he created on his own. His creative motivation was high since this was the only way to fill his bag with free candy. These stories highlight his ingenuity and resourcefulness, ranging from being a hobo with black charcoal spots under his eyes to that of being a BOX. Yes, you heard me right! As a boy, my dad went as a box for Halloween! He got a box at a local grocery store for free, cut holes for his arms and legs, and one for his head at the top, and then drew buttons on the front. Voila…he was a box!

I laughed uproariously when he first told me that story, but then the more I thought about it, I realized he deserved applause for his brilliant imagination! He rose to the occasion when he had no option but to create a costume all by himself with no adult or parent to help or support him.

As you just read in these accounts of two parallel generations at Halloween, both my dad and I made choices for our outfits based on the different levels of involvement by our parents. I imagine you’d say the same thing as you think back on what this day looked like for you as a kid.

When it comes to the kind of fathers that each of us end up with, some of us get the “trick” version while others get the “treat.” Let me explain what I mean as I seek to add some of my own creativity to these holiday-themed words.

Here’s what a father looks like who “tricks” his daughter, followed by one who knows how to “treat” her well. 

A dad who “tricks” his daughter:

• Puts his needs before hers on a regular basis.

• Teaches her by the way he interacts with her that women are “less than.” 

• Teases her for being emotional, leading her to put walls up as a protective shell.

• Criticizes her mom, leading her to believe that she’s going to turn out the same way.

• Uses her for his sexual pleasure and robs her of her innocence.

• Contributes to the exploitation of women through his engagement with porn.

• Makes her struggle to trust God as her Father because she struggles to trust him as her earthly father.

And now, let’s move on to the good news. 

Here are ways a dad can positively “treat” his daughter well so she internalizes his affirmative view of her:

A dad who “treats” his daughter well:

• Tells her daily that he loves her and why he loves her.

• Notices the things that have meaning to her and then shares them with her.

• Provides consistently for her needs.

• Buys a special gift for no particular reason other than to reinforce her value.

• Loves her mom (and if divorced, speaks positive words or doesn’t say anything negative)

• Affirms her positive qualities.

• Gently and lovingly sets boundaries and limits as a way to teach her to respect herself and the world around her.

• Listens twice as much as he talks, knowing that this will let her know she’s worthy of being listened to.

• Pursues her heart by actively spending time with her as a way to really know her.

• Enjoys the uniqueness of her personality by laughing at what makes her laugh.

• Has fun doing activities with her that strengthens their bond.

• Being a trustworthy, connected, and invested dad, builds a bridge for her to trust, connect to, and feel positively about God as her Father.

So Dad, it’s up to you to decide what kind of dad you are: One who tricks or one who treats your daughter well.

I pray that today you’ll choose to be the one man she can count on to treat her with dignity and value so she’ll always know and believe she is both a treat and a treasure.

With that spin on this day after All Hallows Eve, I say, “Dad, bring on the treats!”