5 Ways to Prepare Yourself for Reconciliation with Your Estranged Daughter

With the holidays officially upon us, I know there are many of you dads who are struggling to claim this as “the happiest time of the year.” The reason? Distance from your daughter (and/or son).

The reality is that I receive more emails from dads around the country asking about what to do to connect with their estranged daughters than I do anything else…by a long shot. And I want to see that sad reality change through empowering dads to do whatever it takes to make amends and pursue healing at any cost to themselves.

Now I realize that there’s always more to a story than merely what I hear, but my encouragement to these men—and to you ---continues to include validation, coupled with suggestions for action.

But first, a story to encourage you.

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My friend and former NFL quarterback, Ed Tandy McGlasson, founded an incredible organization called Blessing of the Father Ministries. Ed is one of the most passionate people I know when it comes to understanding the power of a father’s blessing, which leads  him to enthusiastically speak words of life into men and women everywhere by affirming how much they are loved by God as their Father.

One of the most powerful stories he tells is of a dad who hadn’t seen his daughter in over twenty years, since she was thirteen years old, and every time he reached out to her, there was no response. Desperate for direction, he met with Ed, who suggested that he waste no time in writing these exact words to his estranged daughter:

Help me understand how much I hurt you when I divorced your mom.

That’s all it took for his daughter to quickly respond. He didn’t defend or explain. He listened. And their relationship was restored.

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Perhaps these are the words you need to say to your daughter in this season: “Help me understand how much I hurt you when I . . .”

On the other hand, Dad, sometimes your first move will require what could look like apparent inaction. Stated otherwise, by not moving, you’re moving. Let me explain. If your daughter isn’t ready to talk to you right now, you must honor her boundaries and wait until she gives you the green light.

Outwardly, this may look like you’re doing nothing, but in reality this allows you to prepare yourself for when she’s ready to communicate with you.

That said, I want to share some ideas that you can put into practice to prepare YOURSELF for the day your daughter will hopefully be ready to re-engage with you.

And if your daughter is open to having a conversation with you--whether in person or via email/text or over the phone--feel free to use the information below to guide you. (For more specifics, you can refer to my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters).

Here are some keys to preparing your heart for reconciliation with your estranged daughter:

1. Pray for restoration.
   I understand that at times our prayers may feel like they’re hitting the ceiling. But it’s important to remember that your prayers are being heard by your Heavenly Father who says if we call on him he will answer us and tell us great and unsearchable things that we don’t know (Jeremiah 33:3). Ask Him to move in ways that only a true Father can. Write out prayer requests and date them so you can see how God answers as you stay the course with believing prayer.

2.  Own your part…with humility.
   Sometimes it can be hard to see the log in our own eye while instead focusing on the splinter in someone else’s (Matthew 7:5). And when there has been hurt between a dad and daughter, such that the bridge between them is weakened or bombed out completely, as her father, it’s vital that you search your own heart before God and be willing to admit your fault. As you assess yourself honestly (even asking others for input), it will set the foundation of humility and openness for the time when your relationship is restored.

3. Don’t take her rejection personally.
   If the distance between you and your daughter has little or nothing to do with you (a.k.a. a divorce or tragedy beyond your control that led to the estrangement), then seek to stand strong in the truth that she needs space to work this out in her way and in her time. There’s nothing you can do to rush that process along. Patience is key.

4. Look with open and eager anticipation.
   One of my favorite Bible stories is in Luke 15, a parable Jesus tells about his Father. He shares five ways that the earthly dad in this story re-engages with his estranged son, thus providing a road map for dads who are in a similar situation. This father saw his child (which means he was consistently looking for him), was filled with compassion, ran toward him, threw his arms around him, and kissed him. That is the necessary stance for a dad with an estranged daughter, as modeled by the ultimate Dad, our Heavenly Father.

5. Buy a journal and write to her in it. (This one is my favorite!)
   Because you will date each entry, it will serve as a time capsule where you’ll be recording your thoughts and memories about her, dreams for her future, words of encouragement, prayers for her, positive and loving affirmations, things you wish you could tell her if she were here, etc. This is more for you than for her because it will keep hope alive as you write things down. Then when the time is right (which could be a long ways down the road possibly), you’ll have it as a gift to give her that will let her know that she was never far from your heart even when there was distance. It will prove to her the power of your love was solid even when she may have believed otherwise.

As noted from Luke 15, do not lose heart even while your daughter is away and distanced, possibly making choices that grieve you.

Do what God as a good Father does by staying open to her in your heart, looking forward for her return (no matter how long it takes) while believing that she needs your prayers for healing in her own life, whether or not she’s ready to engage with you now.

And in the meantime, I encourage you to do your own work. But this I mean to take steps to vulnerably tell your story and be willing to “look at your own stuff,” followed with receiving input and support from trusted friends or a counselor. This will set the foundation for a healthier relationship with your daughter when she returns because you’ll better understand yourself and have more tools in your emotional toolbox.

These five action steps above will set a foundation of hope as you take proactive steps forward. I pray your Thanksgiving and Christmas season will be a time of renewal, even in the hard spaces, as you celebrate the King who came to earth to give us the promise of heaven beyond today.

Fathering Through My Own Wounds: Lessons I’ve Learned as a GirlDad (Guest Blog by Tony Miltenberger)

Being a dad is full of surprises, but being a GirlDad has taught me lessons I never expected.

With Shiloh, my youngest who is now 13, every day feels alive with energy, questions, and challenges. I want to guide her, make things easier, and help her avoid frustration. But one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned, and one I explore in Wisdom in the Wound, is that sometimes the most important thing I can do is step back, especially when my own wounds get in the way.

Shiloh recently decided to try running track. If you’ve never been to a track meet, you’ll quickly learn it’s a lot of waiting for a very brief reward. For her, it was frustrating, she was slower than the other kids, and she felt it deeply. She stomped, complained, and struggled with impatience. And I understood completely, she got her speed from me.

Here’s where it got tricky.

My instinct was to coach her, push her, and help her fix what I saw as “correctable.” But it wasn’t just about track. My wound, this deep desire to be seen, to be right, to feel like I was helping, was bubbling up. I wanted to be acknowledged for being a good dad, for knowing what she needed.

And every complaint from Shiloh, every moment of frustration, felt like a reflection on me. Her struggle bumped up against my own need for validation, and I could feel my patience shrinking.

Shiloh didn’t want to put in the work I knew would help. She wanted results without the effort, and my first reaction was to fix it for her, to make her see things my way. But stepping in that way would have been about me, not her. I realized that my need to be seen and “do it right” was actually blocking the most important thing I could offer: my presence.

So, I paused. I had to let her experience the frustration herself. My role wasn’t to control the outcome or prove I knew better; it was to cheer her on, listen, and quietly hold space for her to learn. To trust that she could handle the challenge, even if it was slow, messy, and imperfect.

Being a GirlDad has taught me that love isn’t measured by how much I can control the outcome. It’s measured by how well I can show up, recognize my own impulses, and let her grow through the challenge.

My wounds can cloud my judgment, but when I notice them and step back, they can guide me toward wisdom, presence, and patience.

Watching Shiloh navigate track, slow, frustrated, but trying, reminds me that my job isn’t to make life easy for her. It’s to make sure she knows she’s capable, supported, and loved, even when she doesn’t do things the way I would.

Fathering isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up, being honest with yourself, and choosing presence over control.

Every day with Shiloh is a lesson in humility, patience, and trust. My wound to be seen will always be there, but when I steward it well, it allows me to be the dad she actually needs. I’m grateful I get to walk alongside her, not as someone who fixes everything, but as someone who trusts her to do the work herself and loves her fiercely while she does it.

Tony Miltenberger is the founder of Follow2Lead Coaching. He is a veteran, podcast host, executive coach, author, and the associate pastor of disciple making at Centerville Grace Church. Throughout the years, Tony has traveled the globe, taking deployments in Kuwait, El Salvador, and numerous marriage retreats throughout the US. He has consulted with churches in the deep south and multi-million dollar organizations in the Midwest. His proudest accomplishment is being the father to three amazing kids and being married to his high school sweetheart (Karen) for over 20 years.

If you want to hear more from Tony, you’ll love his new book, Wisdom in the Wound: How God Uses Your Past to Shape Who You’re Becoming.

How’s Your Heart Connection with Your Daughter Lately?

“What does it mean for a dad to engage his daughter at a HEART level?”

This was the question I was asked this week during an interview on dads and daughters. I’m always thrilled to talk about HEART connections because it’s central to strengthening the bond between dads and daughters.

Whether or not you’ve heard the phrase, “turning your heart,” it’s a profound concept that I trust will be enlightening for you as we unpack it here today.

There’s a Bible verse stating that if a dad turns his heart towards his kids, and if they turn theirs towards him in return, it will offset a curse. I love this concept of a “heart turn” between a dad and his daughter because it carries relational weight when it happens.

Let’s be honest. The term, “turning a heart” is a bit unfamiliar in terms of how it’s worded. I’ve never actually had anyone ask me to “turn my heart” towards them, have you?

By way of contrast, a much more common expression is that of “turning our head.” To state the obvious, we usually use this phrase to explain an exchange of information between two people as they intentionally engage with each other. It’s about content, knowledge, and concrete data.

I want to encourage you dads by saying that most girls and women I’ve known have told me they need and appreciate intellectual input from their fathers. After all, it’s usually dad who helps her figure out everything from filling out the FAFSA to filling out complicated college or job applications to understanding specs on a car.

“Turning our hearts,” on the other hand, isn’t reflexive. It implies emotion and connection, and can bypass thought, perhaps even words. It’s responsive, engaged, heartfelt, and receptive. There is depth of openness involved with a turned heart that communicates availability as there is congruence between what the eyes say, the mouth speaks, and the heart expresses. It’s about authentic, open, tender, honest interaction based on a foundation of unconditional love and acceptance.

For most dads it’s far more natural to tune in and engage at the head level whereas turning the heart is typically harder for men to do because it’s less intuitive and takes more deliberate focus.

Yes, a girl needs head connections with her dad in order to navigate life, but heart connections with him are vital to her survival. 

The truth is that a girl/woman can tell if her dad has his heart turned toward her or if only his head is turned. We have an intuitive radar that can read the difference between a head or a heart response. 

And even if your daughter never says anything to you about it, she is constantly picking up cues and messages about herself based on these interactions with you. 

Now to your action step.

Here are two questions to ask, followed with one statement to share, if you’re ready to kick things up a notch when it comes engaging and connecting with your daughter on a heart level:

1. On a 0 to 10 scale (with 10 being the best), how well am I doing lately in connecting with your heart?

2. What could I do better so you FEEL I’m engaging your heart?

3. Tell her one area where you’re proud of her in this season. No lectures or corrections---only one heartfelt positive affirmation from your heart to hers. 

Watch what happens as you engage her heart today. Go Dad!

Celebrating Your Daughter’s Need to Express Herself Through Her Style

If you’re a dialed-in GirlDad, you’ve discovered that your daughter has her own unique style when it comes to expressing herself with her clothing.

And if you have more than one daughter, you’ve probably also discovered that things get a bit more complicated as they grow up and each one is trying not to look like the other while finding their own individual style. And whether the younger one is not wanting to follow in the footsteps of her older sister or seeking to find her own self-expression, either way, you’ll be wiser as a Dad by entering in and seeking to understand your daughter’s need to express her personality through how she dresses.

I found a great definition of style from fashion designer Rachel Zoe: “Style is a way to say who you are without having to speak.” (This would be a great quote to share with your daughter).

Adding to her definition, I say: Style is essentially an outward expression of who we see ourselves to be, revealed through clothing, hairstyle, hair color, tattoos, piercings, and jewelry, to name a few. And whether or not you agree with your daughter’s style expression, it’s important that you let her speak while you listen with a goal to better understand her.

Many dads have asked me how to guide their daughter through this maze when they disagree with her clothing choices. I know it’s a bigger conversation than what I’m sharing here, but it’s my desire to stand with you as you take a proactive step forward by looking through your daughter’s eyes and seeing her where she is right now.

For now, I encourage you to invite your daughter to join you as you open this conversation about her clothing style. If she doubts your motives or intent, you can show her these questions ahead of time. (For more on this topic, you can refer to a longer list of questions in Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters with “Dad-Daughter Date Questionnaire #18: Questions on Her Clothing Choices”).

Make it your goal to listen without judgment or criticism, which is a key foundational step in bridge-building with your daughter.

If she doesn’t live close or isn’t open to meeting in person, feel free to send these questions to let her know you care. (I’ve attached a pdf here).

Here’s a list of questions to ask your daughter. And the last question is a fun and funny one to engage your daughter in rating your style. Have fun!

1. How would you describe your style? (circle all that fit)

• Playful

• Girly/Feminine

• Boho/Free-spirited/Casual

• Sporty

• Classic

• Earthy/ Hippie

• Artsy

• Retro

• Spicy/Edgy

• Modern/Trendy/Current

• Tomboy

• Goth

• Unconventional

• Other 

2. Is it important for you to have a personal style and look that’s all your own or is it not that big of a deal to you?

3. What words in the list above would you say described your style two years ago? What about five years ago?

4. Do you like your current style? Have you thought about changing it? If you did change it, what new style captures your attention?

5. Are there any celebrities whose style you would say matches yours? What about his or her style do you like?

6. Does style and fashion play a part in the way you connect with your friends…or not?

7. What do you enjoy about having a style that’s all your own? Is there any part of this whole thing that’s ever stressful for you?

8. Now let’s talk about my style as your dad. What words would you use to describe it and do you have any suggestions for how I could update my look? (This one can be really fun and funny if you choose not to be offended by anything she says.)

[One last note: Most men think their style is fine despite input to the contrary from the women in their lives! But if you allow yourself to be open to your daughter’s input about your style, it can create a powerful dad-daughter bonding interaction. Then for “extra dad points,” I encourage you to concede and let her choose one new item for your wardrobe, which will be a gift that keeps on giving because every time you wear it, she’ll remember that you respected her input, adding yet another positive experience to your repertoire!].

This is your time to grow as a dad in asking your daughter questions to better understand her clothing style choices that are her way of making a statement about herself.

12 Reasons Why I'm Thankful For GirlDads: The Thanksgiving Edition

Since we’re all preparing for Thanksgiving next week, I decided to celebrate early by giving you a dose of encouragement, Dad, with 12 specific reasons why I’m grateful for you.

And even if you’re not relationally solid with your daughter right now, the fact remains that you have value and impact, whether you’re close or far away from her. 

Having walked alongside girls and young women for the past 40+ years, I can undoubtedly say that a father is one of the most important influences in his daughter’s life, as research also confirms. (Some even say her father is the most important influence in her life).

You, Dad, shape her identity and build (or diminish) her confidence more than almost anyone else. You, Dad, lay the foundation of who she is and who she sees herself to be, and one positive word or action from you can instantly turn a bad day into a good one.

In keeping with this theme, here’s 12 more ways to highlight why you matter and why I’m celebrating you today:

1. Your opinion carries significant weight in your daughter’s life. (Even if your daughter says or acts like your input isn’t important, it does).

2. Your attentive presence communicates more per square inch than you’d imagine. (I’m not sure why it does, but it does; you’ll just have to believe me on that one!). When you’re around, she feels safe.

3. When you show up, she internalizes that she is worthy and valuable.

4. When you provide for her needs, she settles into knowing and believing she’ll be okay and be taken care of.

5. When you look at her, you’re affirming that she really does have value. (Eye contact is vitally important if you want her to feel special and worth your time).

6. Your smile, when directed towards her, reflects that she’s loved and special.

7. You make her day better by remembering what matters to her, especially the little things. (Even if you think those little things are silly or unimportant).

8. When you’re proud of her, she thrives and rises to the occasion with more enthusiasm and motivation to prove to herself that she’s strong and competent.

9. Your support and encouragement makes her believe she can do anything (because she’ll internalize and embrace this positive gift from you).

10. When you lead by example (by modeling humility, admitting fault, choosing forgiveness, releasing offenses, being grateful and kind, having a good attitude, spending time investing in people and projects, being generous, etc.), it doesn’t matter what everyone else says or does because you’re showing her what it looks like in action.

11. Even if everything comes crashing down around her, when you’re in her corner, cheering her on, she picks herself up and keeps believing in herself.

12. You have the privilege of leading your daughter to connect with her Heavenly Father by expressing His attributes to her (a.k.a. heart pursuit, unconditional love, consistent provision, protection, etc.).

There it is---12 specific things to encourage your heart today, Dad, and remind you why you matter in your daughter’s life.

I’m thankful for each of you and the way you’re positively influencing your daughter by being intentional and consistent as you pursue her heart. I truly believe we will be a healthier country from the ground up with healthier women….and that’s where you come in!

To sum up, from my heart to yours on this week of thanksgiving, I simply say, “Thanks, Dad.”