How’s Your Heart Connection with Your Daughter Lately?

“What does it mean for a dad to engage his daughter at a HEART level?”

This was the question I was asked this week during an interview on dads and daughters. I’m always thrilled to talk about HEART connections because it’s central to strengthening the bond between dads and daughters.

Whether or not you’ve heard the phrase, “turning your heart,” it’s a profound concept that I trust will be enlightening for you as we unpack it here today.

There’s a Bible verse stating that if a dad turns his heart towards his kids, and if they turn theirs towards him in return, it will offset a curse. I love this concept of a “heart turn” between a dad and his daughter because it carries relational weight when it happens.

Let’s be honest. The term, “turning a heart” is a bit unfamiliar in terms of how it’s worded. I’ve never actually had anyone ask me to “turn my heart” towards them, have you?

By way of contrast, a much more common expression is that of “turning our head.” To state the obvious, we usually use this phrase to explain an exchange of information between two people as they intentionally engage with each other. It’s about content, knowledge, and concrete data.

I want to encourage you dads by saying that most girls and women I’ve known have told me they need and appreciate intellectual input from their fathers. After all, it’s usually dad who helps her figure out everything from filling out the FAFSA to filling out complicated college or job applications to understanding specs on a car.

“Turning our hearts,” on the other hand, isn’t reflexive. It implies emotion and connection, and can bypass thought, perhaps even words. It’s responsive, engaged, heartfelt, and receptive. There is depth of openness involved with a turned heart that communicates availability as there is congruence between what the eyes say, the mouth speaks, and the heart expresses. It’s about authentic, open, tender, honest interaction based on a foundation of unconditional love and acceptance.

For most dads it’s far more natural to tune in and engage at the head level whereas turning the heart is typically harder for men to do because it’s less intuitive and takes more deliberate focus.

Yes, a girl needs head connections with her dad in order to navigate life, but heart connections with him are vital to her survival. 

The truth is that a girl/woman can tell if her dad has his heart turned toward her or if only his head is turned. We have an intuitive radar that can read the difference between a head or a heart response. 

And even if your daughter never says anything to you about it, she is constantly picking up cues and messages about herself based on these interactions with you. 

Now to your action step.

Here are two questions to ask, followed with one statement to share, if you’re ready to kick things up a notch when it comes engaging and connecting with your daughter on a heart level:

1. On a 0 to 10 scale (with 10 being the best), how well am I doing lately in connecting with your heart?

2. What could I do better so you FEEL I’m engaging your heart?

3. Tell her one area where you’re proud of her in this season. No lectures or corrections---only one heartfelt positive affirmation from your heart to hers. 

Watch what happens as you engage her heart today. Go Dad!

Celebrating Your Daughter’s Need to Express Herself Through Her Style

If you’re a dialed-in GirlDad, you’ve discovered that your daughter has her own unique style when it comes to expressing herself with her clothing.

And if you have more than one daughter, you’ve probably also discovered that things get a bit more complicated as they grow up and each one is trying not to look like the other while finding their own individual style. And whether the younger one is not wanting to follow in the footsteps of her older sister or seeking to find her own self-expression, either way, you’ll be wiser as a Dad by entering in and seeking to understand your daughter’s need to express her personality through how she dresses.

I found a great definition of style from fashion designer Rachel Zoe: “Style is a way to say who you are without having to speak.” (This would be a great quote to share with your daughter).

Adding to her definition, I say: Style is essentially an outward expression of who we see ourselves to be, revealed through clothing, hairstyle, hair color, tattoos, piercings, and jewelry, to name a few. And whether or not you agree with your daughter’s style expression, it’s important that you let her speak while you listen with a goal to better understand her.

Many dads have asked me how to guide their daughter through this maze when they disagree with her clothing choices. I know it’s a bigger conversation than what I’m sharing here, but it’s my desire to stand with you as you take a proactive step forward by looking through your daughter’s eyes and seeing her where she is right now.

For now, I encourage you to invite your daughter to join you as you open this conversation about her clothing style. If she doubts your motives or intent, you can show her these questions ahead of time. (For more on this topic, you can refer to a longer list of questions in Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters with “Dad-Daughter Date Questionnaire #18: Questions on Her Clothing Choices”).

Make it your goal to listen without judgment or criticism, which is a key foundational step in bridge-building with your daughter.

If she doesn’t live close or isn’t open to meeting in person, feel free to send these questions to let her know you care. (I’ve attached a pdf here).

Here’s a list of questions to ask your daughter. And the last question is a fun and funny one to engage your daughter in rating your style. Have fun!

1. How would you describe your style? (circle all that fit)

• Playful

• Girly/Feminine

• Boho/Free-spirited/Casual

• Sporty

• Classic

• Earthy/ Hippie

• Artsy

• Retro

• Spicy/Edgy

• Modern/Trendy/Current

• Tomboy

• Goth

• Unconventional

• Other 

2. Is it important for you to have a personal style and look that’s all your own or is it not that big of a deal to you?

3. What words in the list above would you say described your style two years ago? What about five years ago?

4. Do you like your current style? Have you thought about changing it? If you did change it, what new style captures your attention?

5. Are there any celebrities whose style you would say matches yours? What about his or her style do you like?

6. Does style and fashion play a part in the way you connect with your friends…or not?

7. What do you enjoy about having a style that’s all your own? Is there any part of this whole thing that’s ever stressful for you?

8. Now let’s talk about my style as your dad. What words would you use to describe it and do you have any suggestions for how I could update my look? (This one can be really fun and funny if you choose not to be offended by anything she says.)

[One last note: Most men think their style is fine despite input to the contrary from the women in their lives! But if you allow yourself to be open to your daughter’s input about your style, it can create a powerful dad-daughter bonding interaction. Then for “extra dad points,” I encourage you to concede and let her choose one new item for your wardrobe, which will be a gift that keeps on giving because every time you wear it, she’ll remember that you respected her input, adding yet another positive experience to your repertoire!].

This is your time to grow as a dad in asking your daughter questions to better understand her clothing style choices that are her way of making a statement about herself.

12 Reasons Why I'm Thankful For GirlDads: The Thanksgiving Edition

Since we’re all preparing for Thanksgiving next week, I decided to celebrate early by giving you a dose of encouragement, Dad, with 12 specific reasons why I’m grateful for you.

And even if you’re not relationally solid with your daughter right now, the fact remains that you have value and impact, whether you’re close or far away from her. 

Having walked alongside girls and young women for the past 40+ years, I can undoubtedly say that a father is one of the most important influences in his daughter’s life, as research also confirms. (Some even say her father is the most important influence in her life).

You, Dad, shape her identity and build (or diminish) her confidence more than almost anyone else. You, Dad, lay the foundation of who she is and who she sees herself to be, and one positive word or action from you can instantly turn a bad day into a good one.

In keeping with this theme, here’s 12 more ways to highlight why you matter and why I’m celebrating you today:

1. Your opinion carries significant weight in your daughter’s life. (Even if your daughter says or acts like your input isn’t important, it does).

2. Your attentive presence communicates more per square inch than you’d imagine. (I’m not sure why it does, but it does; you’ll just have to believe me on that one!). When you’re around, she feels safe.

3. When you show up, she internalizes that she is worthy and valuable.

4. When you provide for her needs, she settles into knowing and believing she’ll be okay and be taken care of.

5. When you look at her, you’re affirming that she really does have value. (Eye contact is vitally important if you want her to feel special and worth your time).

6. Your smile, when directed towards her, reflects that she’s loved and special.

7. You make her day better by remembering what matters to her, especially the little things. (Even if you think those little things are silly or unimportant).

8. When you’re proud of her, she thrives and rises to the occasion with more enthusiasm and motivation to prove to herself that she’s strong and competent.

9. Your support and encouragement makes her believe she can do anything (because she’ll internalize and embrace this positive gift from you).

10. When you lead by example (by modeling humility, admitting fault, choosing forgiveness, releasing offenses, being grateful and kind, having a good attitude, spending time investing in people and projects, being generous, etc.), it doesn’t matter what everyone else says or does because you’re showing her what it looks like in action.

11. Even if everything comes crashing down around her, when you’re in her corner, cheering her on, she picks herself up and keeps believing in herself.

12. You have the privilege of leading your daughter to connect with her Heavenly Father by expressing His attributes to her (a.k.a. heart pursuit, unconditional love, consistent provision, protection, etc.).

There it is---12 specific things to encourage your heart today, Dad, and remind you why you matter in your daughter’s life.

I’m thankful for each of you and the way you’re positively influencing your daughter by being intentional and consistent as you pursue her heart. I truly believe we will be a healthier country from the ground up with healthier women….and that’s where you come in!

To sum up, from my heart to yours on this week of thanksgiving, I simply say, “Thanks, Dad.”

5 SPOOK-Proof Strategies for Solving the Mystery of Your Daughter

With Halloween being just around the corner, I thought it would be fun to talk today about how you as dads can solve the MYSTERY of your daughter in ways that are less SPOOKY or SCARY.

I often hear fathers tell me their daughters are complicated and complex, sometimes even downright confusing. Yet, believe it or not, I’ve discovered that we girls are not as hard to understand as we may appear. If you, Dad, are open incorporating these insights into your daily rhythms, you’ll see how quickly your daughter will respond to you more positively. Let me say it another way:

The more you understand your daughter’s wiring and core needs, the less of a MYSTERY she’ll be to you.

These five spook-proof strategies for decoding your daughter come from one of my favorite stories in the Bible.

Quick backstory: Mary and Martha are sisters who were close personal friends of Jesus. He was like family to them and loved their brother too. Jesus knew them and they knew him. I love the way Jesus related specifically to Martha, the more dramatic of the two women, during a time when she was overly reactive, totally stressed, and basically freaking out.

If you can relate to experiencing any of these realities with the women in your home or life, you’ll appreciate learning what Jesus did (with his male energy) to enter the fray with his frazzled female friend. I guarantee if you follow His lead, you and your daughter will benefit.

1. He lets her vent to Him while He listens to all of it.

Even when Martha dramatically blurts out that Jesus “doesn’t care” (false assumptions always take place during meltdowns), she continues by crying about having to do everything “by myself.” And if that wasn’t enough, she then barks at Jesus and demands that he tell her sister to help her. Surprisingly, he doesn’t lecture, but listens and absorbs her intensity by being her sounding board.

2. He says her name twice….gently and lovingly.

There’s something calming when any of us hear our name. And for us girls, it’s grounding for us to be spoken to by name. If you speak your daughter’s name with love in your tone and in a gentle way, she will come towards you----maybe not right away, but it is a powerful, healing strategy that works.

3. He sits with her in her emotional reality.

Notice that he doesn’t try and talk her out of what she’s feeling or try to get her to think rationally. No lecture. No criticism. Jesus knows that she couldn’t hear it anyway while being so worked up. So he simply stays with her, looks at her, validates her, and puts words to what she’s feeling, calling it “worry” and “upset.” He tenderly names her emotions. No judgment.

4. He highlights all that is on her life plate.

As girls we are wired to multi-task. That’s why we can talk on the phone, paint our nails, watch a show, and do homework…all at the same time! Yet all of a sudden we reach our max and then comes the explosion. Again, this is where we need gentle grace not power positions. Jesus lets Martha know that he knew she indeed did have “many things” going on, which led to her meltdown. If you validate all that is pressing in on your daughter, your words will go far to make her feel heard and understood (which is empathy---compassionately looking at her life through her eyes).

5. He directs her to focus on one thing.

Jesus tells her that “only one thing is needed.” The implication is that it’s about focusing on Him as the one thing rather than all the needs around her. I’ll take this theme one step further and add that when we girls get overwhelmed with the “too much to do and not enough time” reality, we need gentle, supportive guidance to take it one thing at a time. Breaking it down into bite size pieces is immensely helpful when we’re breaking down.

5 Keys to Decoding Your Daughter

Have you ever secretly wished that your daughter came with a decoder ring? Or if not a ring, perhaps a playbook?

Truth be told: Don’t you think it would be far easier to be a dialed-in dad if your daughter consistently made more sense to you? And wouldn’t it be wonderful if there were some manual that told you what to say and what not to say, as well as what to do and what not to do to get it right as a #girldad?!

Just so you feel less alone, I want you to know how often I hear dads say to me, “I have no idea what to do to help my daughter.” I’m truly honored whenever a man is vulnerable and willing to ask for input.

Dad, here’s what I want you to hear from my heart to yours, something I don’t think you hear enough:

Not only are you important, but you are vital to your daughter’s health and well-being—even if her words and behavior at times speak to the contrary. I also want you to know that you matter...a lot…and without your active engagement, your daughter will suffer.

And though you may feel in over your head at times, I want you to know that you’re in good company. I’ve noticed that men are often keenly aware of their deficits and find it easier to disqualify themselves than face the potential confirmation of incompetence. Add in the additional complexity of fathering a daughter whose needs intensify as she matures, and many fathers are stepping back rather than stepping in.

Though I don’t claim to have a corner on all things female, when it comes to coaching dads of daughters, I do know some insider trade secrets regarding what girls need from their dads in order to thrive. Though this list barely scratches the surface, it will get the conversation started.

As a dad of a daughter, here are a few things you need to know in order to decode your daughter, especially if she doesn’t know how to tell you these things herself:

1. She longs for your approval.

If your daughter has ever given you the message that you are unnecessary, don’t believe her. She’s craving your support and affirmation. And if she doesn’t get what she needs from you, she’ll go looking for it elsewhere. When she looks at you, you’re like a mirror who reflects back an image of herself that she internalizes. This is why it’s vital that you never give her the message that she’s more than you can handle. Keep giving positive, consistent, and intentional investments—with your words, time, and attention.

2. Even if she pushes you away, don’t go away.

It often saddens me to hear dads assume they don’t have value in the lives of their daughters because the bases are already covered elsewhere. I do understand that as girls mature, they are less predictable, more verbal, and way more emotional, which makes it very challenging for dads. But it’s important to know that this is when hormones begin to rage in her body and brain (over which she has no control since it’s about estrogen surging through her body), and they impact her moods, behavior, and thinking. This is normal and these are realities over which she has no control. This is when she needs you even more during these years, dad. If you back away, your daughter could conclude that she’s not worth loving. Your active presence (a.k.a. moving towards her and initiating time together) lets her know she is worthy and valuable. 

3.  She needs you to always respond with kindness.

Just know that it goes a long way to keeping her heart open when you speak kindly, gently, tenderly, and patiently. If you’re at a loss for words, simply say: “I want to understand. Help me understand.”  These words align with Malachi 4:6 where God directs fathers to turn their hearts---not just their heads---towards their children. And although you may not be as skilled in turning your heart as you are with turning your head, as you mindfully pray for this fruit of the Spirit to be evidenced in you (kindness), I believe you’ll see the evidence of this virtue being developed in you more and more as your first response.

4. Light up when you see her.

Your daughter is innately wired with the need to be the sparkle (or light) in someone’s eyes. And because you were the first man who held her, she will turn less to the counterfeit if she has experienced the real thing with you.

When you consistently make relational deposits into your daughter’s heart, she will become that sparkle, that source of joy, to you and others. 

5. She needs you to interact spiritually.

The Barna Group conducted a study that was released in May of 2019 titled, “The Power Influence of Mothers in Christians’ Households.” You may not be surprised to hear that of the 2,347 kids who were interviewed, about 75% said they primarily go to their moms for spiritual guidance and encouragement. The report also noted that 60 to 75% said they relied on their fathers to provide tangible needs (a.k.a. money) and logistical help. This means that dads are doing an excellent job as they set an example in meeting practical needs while also highlighting where fathers must do better.

Your daughters (and sons) are vulnerable if you don’t step in spiritually.

Here’s what I’ve heard from teenage and 20-something daughters when I asked them what they need from their dads when it comes to spiritual influence:

• “I like when my dad calls me to let me know he’s thinking of me or praying for me.” 

• “I like going to church together or going to a Christian concert.”

• “I wish that my dad would ask me about my spiritual walk and if I say I'm not doing well that he would tell me how I can go about fixing it.” 

I put this spiritual decoding tool last because a daughter will be more open to listening to your input about spiritual things if you have first laid a foundation relationally with her, as noted in the first four tips.

I want to close by being clear in sharing my heart so that you don’t have to decode what I’m saying: I believe in the transformative, healing power of a dad’s love expressed through consistent pursuit of his daughter’s heart.

Let this be the year that you step up and step in as a more intentional dialed-in dad. With God’s help, you can do it! 

Understanding Your Mysterious Daughter

So often hear fathers tell me that their daughters are complicated, complex, confusing, and unpredictable. The mysterious nature of a young daughter’s tantrum, a teenage attitude, or an adult’s cold shoulder spooks fathers everywhere into frustration in their relationships. However, I have discovered that we girls are not as hard to understand as we may seem!

Today’s decoding strategy comes straight from the one Man in all of history who always got it right when it came to relationships. You may know who I’m talking about: Jesus. I figure there’s no better example than learning from the best!

During His time on earth he met two sisters, Martha and Mary, and they were close, personal friends of Jesus. He knew them and they knew him. For better or worse. Let’s pick up the story (from Luke 10:38-42 if you want to look it up later) where Martha is overly reactive, super stressed, and basically freaking out.

If you can relate to experiencing any of those realities in your home, listen to what Jesus (with his male energy) did to enter the fray with his frazzled female friend.

Here are the 5 “easy” steps to decoding and relating to your daughter, especially during those times when things are emotionally intense.

1. He lets her vent to Him while He listens to all of it.
Even when she dramatically tells Jesus that he “doesn’t care” (false assumptions always take place during meltdowns) she continues by crying about having to do everything “by myself.” And if that wasn’t enough, she then barks at Jesus and demands that he tell her sister to help her. Surprisingly, he doesn’t lecture but listens and essentially absorbs her intensity by being her sounding board.

2. He says her name twice…gently and lovingly.
There’s something calming when any of us hear our name. And for us girls, it’s grounding for us to be spoken to by name. If you speak your daughter’s name with love in your tone and in a gentle way, she will come towards you---maybe not right away, but it is a powerful, healing strategy that works.

3. He sits with her in her emotional reality.
Notice that he doesn’t try and talk her out of what she’s feeling or try to get her to think rationally. No lecture. No criticism. Jesus knows that she couldn’t hear it anyway while being so worked up. So, he simply stays with her, looks at her, validates her, and puts words to what she’s feeling, calling it “worry” and “upset.” He tenderly names her emotions. No judgment.

4. He highlights all that is on her life plate.
As girls we are wired to multi-task. That’s why we can talk on the phone, paint our nails, watch a show, and do homework…all at the same time! Yet all of a sudden, we reach the end of our rope and implode. Again, this is where we need gentle grace not power positions. Jesus just told Martha that he knew she had “many things” going on, leading to her melt down. How kind of him to notice. If you validate all that is pressing in on your daughter, your words will go long and far to make her feel heard and understood.

5. He directs her to focus on one thing.
Jesus tells her that “only one thing is needed.” The implication is that it’s about focusing on Him as the one thing rather than all the needs around her. When we girls get overwhelmed with the much, we need gentle, supportive guidance to take it one thing at a time. Breaking it down into bite size pieces is immensely helpful when we’re breaking down.

Summing up: When your daughter is melting down sit alongside her and listen to her vent. Move towards her, and lovingly say her name. Tell her that you understand that she is “worried and upset.” Let her know you do see that she has a lot on her plate, and assist in helping her to focus on one issue.

I know it’s easier said than done, but these 5 things will make all the difference in the eye of the storm when you are there trying to keep up with her complexity. And after the storm has passed, the main thing your daughter will remember is that you Dad were there in it with her.