5 Ways to Prepare Yourself for Reconciliation with Your Estranged Daughter

With the holidays officially upon us, I know there are many of you dads who are struggling to claim this as “the happiest time of the year.” The reason? Distance from your daughter (and/or son).

The reality is that I receive more emails from dads around the country asking about what to do to connect with their estranged daughters than I do anything else…by a long shot. And I want to see that sad reality change through empowering dads to do whatever it takes to make amends and pursue healing at any cost to themselves.

Now I realize that there’s always more to a story than merely what I hear, but my encouragement to these men—and to you ---continues to include validation, coupled with suggestions for action.

But first, a story to encourage you.

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My friend and former NFL quarterback, Ed Tandy McGlasson, founded an incredible organization called Blessing of the Father Ministries. Ed is one of the most passionate people I know when it comes to understanding the power of a father’s blessing, which leads  him to enthusiastically speak words of life into men and women everywhere by affirming how much they are loved by God as their Father.

One of the most powerful stories he tells is of a dad who hadn’t seen his daughter in over twenty years, since she was thirteen years old, and every time he reached out to her, there was no response. Desperate for direction, he met with Ed, who suggested that he waste no time in writing these exact words to his estranged daughter:

Help me understand how much I hurt you when I divorced your mom.

That’s all it took for his daughter to quickly respond. He didn’t defend or explain. He listened. And their relationship was restored.

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Perhaps these are the words you need to say to your daughter in this season: “Help me understand how much I hurt you when I . . .”

On the other hand, Dad, sometimes your first move will require what could look like apparent inaction. Stated otherwise, by not moving, you’re moving. Let me explain. If your daughter isn’t ready to talk to you right now, you must honor her boundaries and wait until she gives you the green light.

Outwardly, this may look like you’re doing nothing, but in reality this allows you to prepare yourself for when she’s ready to communicate with you.

That said, I want to share some ideas that you can put into practice to prepare YOURSELF for the day your daughter will hopefully be ready to re-engage with you.

And if your daughter is open to having a conversation with you--whether in person or via email/text or over the phone--feel free to use the information below to guide you. (For more specifics, you can refer to my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters).

Here are some keys to preparing your heart for reconciliation with your estranged daughter:

1. Pray for restoration.
   I understand that at times our prayers may feel like they’re hitting the ceiling. But it’s important to remember that your prayers are being heard by your Heavenly Father who says if we call on him he will answer us and tell us great and unsearchable things that we don’t know (Jeremiah 33:3). Ask Him to move in ways that only a true Father can. Write out prayer requests and date them so you can see how God answers as you stay the course with believing prayer.

2.  Own your part…with humility.
   Sometimes it can be hard to see the log in our own eye while instead focusing on the splinter in someone else’s (Matthew 7:5). And when there has been hurt between a dad and daughter, such that the bridge between them is weakened or bombed out completely, as her father, it’s vital that you search your own heart before God and be willing to admit your fault. As you assess yourself honestly (even asking others for input), it will set the foundation of humility and openness for the time when your relationship is restored.

3. Don’t take her rejection personally.
   If the distance between you and your daughter has little or nothing to do with you (a.k.a. a divorce or tragedy beyond your control that led to the estrangement), then seek to stand strong in the truth that she needs space to work this out in her way and in her time. There’s nothing you can do to rush that process along. Patience is key.

4. Look with open and eager anticipation.
   One of my favorite Bible stories is in Luke 15, a parable Jesus tells about his Father. He shares five ways that the earthly dad in this story re-engages with his estranged son, thus providing a road map for dads who are in a similar situation. This father saw his child (which means he was consistently looking for him), was filled with compassion, ran toward him, threw his arms around him, and kissed him. That is the necessary stance for a dad with an estranged daughter, as modeled by the ultimate Dad, our Heavenly Father.

5. Buy a journal and write to her in it. (This one is my favorite!)
   Because you will date each entry, it will serve as a time capsule where you’ll be recording your thoughts and memories about her, dreams for her future, words of encouragement, prayers for her, positive and loving affirmations, things you wish you could tell her if she were here, etc. This is more for you than for her because it will keep hope alive as you write things down. Then when the time is right (which could be a long ways down the road possibly), you’ll have it as a gift to give her that will let her know that she was never far from your heart even when there was distance. It will prove to her the power of your love was solid even when she may have believed otherwise.

As noted from Luke 15, do not lose heart even while your daughter is away and distanced, possibly making choices that grieve you.

Do what God as a good Father does by staying open to her in your heart, looking forward for her return (no matter how long it takes) while believing that she needs your prayers for healing in her own life, whether or not she’s ready to engage with you now.

And in the meantime, I encourage you to do your own work. But this I mean to take steps to vulnerably tell your story and be willing to “look at your own stuff,” followed with receiving input and support from trusted friends or a counselor. This will set the foundation for a healthier relationship with your daughter when she returns because you’ll better understand yourself and have more tools in your emotional toolbox.

These five action steps above will set a foundation of hope as you take proactive steps forward. I pray your Thanksgiving and Christmas season will be a time of renewal, even in the hard spaces, as you celebrate the King who came to earth to give us the promise of heaven beyond today.

Fathering Through My Own Wounds: Lessons I’ve Learned as a GirlDad (Guest Blog by Tony Miltenberger)

Being a dad is full of surprises, but being a GirlDad has taught me lessons I never expected.

With Shiloh, my youngest who is now 13, every day feels alive with energy, questions, and challenges. I want to guide her, make things easier, and help her avoid frustration. But one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned, and one I explore in Wisdom in the Wound, is that sometimes the most important thing I can do is step back, especially when my own wounds get in the way.

Shiloh recently decided to try running track. If you’ve never been to a track meet, you’ll quickly learn it’s a lot of waiting for a very brief reward. For her, it was frustrating, she was slower than the other kids, and she felt it deeply. She stomped, complained, and struggled with impatience. And I understood completely, she got her speed from me.

Here’s where it got tricky.

My instinct was to coach her, push her, and help her fix what I saw as “correctable.” But it wasn’t just about track. My wound, this deep desire to be seen, to be right, to feel like I was helping, was bubbling up. I wanted to be acknowledged for being a good dad, for knowing what she needed.

And every complaint from Shiloh, every moment of frustration, felt like a reflection on me. Her struggle bumped up against my own need for validation, and I could feel my patience shrinking.

Shiloh didn’t want to put in the work I knew would help. She wanted results without the effort, and my first reaction was to fix it for her, to make her see things my way. But stepping in that way would have been about me, not her. I realized that my need to be seen and “do it right” was actually blocking the most important thing I could offer: my presence.

So, I paused. I had to let her experience the frustration herself. My role wasn’t to control the outcome or prove I knew better; it was to cheer her on, listen, and quietly hold space for her to learn. To trust that she could handle the challenge, even if it was slow, messy, and imperfect.

Being a GirlDad has taught me that love isn’t measured by how much I can control the outcome. It’s measured by how well I can show up, recognize my own impulses, and let her grow through the challenge.

My wounds can cloud my judgment, but when I notice them and step back, they can guide me toward wisdom, presence, and patience.

Watching Shiloh navigate track, slow, frustrated, but trying, reminds me that my job isn’t to make life easy for her. It’s to make sure she knows she’s capable, supported, and loved, even when she doesn’t do things the way I would.

Fathering isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up, being honest with yourself, and choosing presence over control.

Every day with Shiloh is a lesson in humility, patience, and trust. My wound to be seen will always be there, but when I steward it well, it allows me to be the dad she actually needs. I’m grateful I get to walk alongside her, not as someone who fixes everything, but as someone who trusts her to do the work herself and loves her fiercely while she does it.

Tony Miltenberger is the founder of Follow2Lead Coaching. He is a veteran, podcast host, executive coach, author, and the associate pastor of disciple making at Centerville Grace Church. Throughout the years, Tony has traveled the globe, taking deployments in Kuwait, El Salvador, and numerous marriage retreats throughout the US. He has consulted with churches in the deep south and multi-million dollar organizations in the Midwest. His proudest accomplishment is being the father to three amazing kids and being married to his high school sweetheart (Karen) for over 20 years.

If you want to hear more from Tony, you’ll love his new book, Wisdom in the Wound: How God Uses Your Past to Shape Who You’re Becoming.

How’s Your Heart Connection with Your Daughter Lately?

“What does it mean for a dad to engage his daughter at a HEART level?”

This was the question I was asked this week during an interview on dads and daughters. I’m always thrilled to talk about HEART connections because it’s central to strengthening the bond between dads and daughters.

Whether or not you’ve heard the phrase, “turning your heart,” it’s a profound concept that I trust will be enlightening for you as we unpack it here today.

There’s a Bible verse stating that if a dad turns his heart towards his kids, and if they turn theirs towards him in return, it will offset a curse. I love this concept of a “heart turn” between a dad and his daughter because it carries relational weight when it happens.

Let’s be honest. The term, “turning a heart” is a bit unfamiliar in terms of how it’s worded. I’ve never actually had anyone ask me to “turn my heart” towards them, have you?

By way of contrast, a much more common expression is that of “turning our head.” To state the obvious, we usually use this phrase to explain an exchange of information between two people as they intentionally engage with each other. It’s about content, knowledge, and concrete data.

I want to encourage you dads by saying that most girls and women I’ve known have told me they need and appreciate intellectual input from their fathers. After all, it’s usually dad who helps her figure out everything from filling out the FAFSA to filling out complicated college or job applications to understanding specs on a car.

“Turning our hearts,” on the other hand, isn’t reflexive. It implies emotion and connection, and can bypass thought, perhaps even words. It’s responsive, engaged, heartfelt, and receptive. There is depth of openness involved with a turned heart that communicates availability as there is congruence between what the eyes say, the mouth speaks, and the heart expresses. It’s about authentic, open, tender, honest interaction based on a foundation of unconditional love and acceptance.

For most dads it’s far more natural to tune in and engage at the head level whereas turning the heart is typically harder for men to do because it’s less intuitive and takes more deliberate focus.

Yes, a girl needs head connections with her dad in order to navigate life, but heart connections with him are vital to her survival. 

The truth is that a girl/woman can tell if her dad has his heart turned toward her or if only his head is turned. We have an intuitive radar that can read the difference between a head or a heart response. 

And even if your daughter never says anything to you about it, she is constantly picking up cues and messages about herself based on these interactions with you. 

Now to your action step.

Here are two questions to ask, followed with one statement to share, if you’re ready to kick things up a notch when it comes engaging and connecting with your daughter on a heart level:

1. On a 0 to 10 scale (with 10 being the best), how well am I doing lately in connecting with your heart?

2. What could I do better so you FEEL I’m engaging your heart?

3. Tell her one area where you’re proud of her in this season. No lectures or corrections---only one heartfelt positive affirmation from your heart to hers. 

Watch what happens as you engage her heart today. Go Dad!

Celebrating Your Daughter’s Need to Express Herself Through Her Style

If you’re a dialed-in GirlDad, you’ve discovered that your daughter has her own unique style when it comes to expressing herself with her clothing.

And if you have more than one daughter, you’ve probably also discovered that things get a bit more complicated as they grow up and each one is trying not to look like the other while finding their own individual style. And whether the younger one is not wanting to follow in the footsteps of her older sister or seeking to find her own self-expression, either way, you’ll be wiser as a Dad by entering in and seeking to understand your daughter’s need to express her personality through how she dresses.

I found a great definition of style from fashion designer Rachel Zoe: “Style is a way to say who you are without having to speak.” (This would be a great quote to share with your daughter).

Adding to her definition, I say: Style is essentially an outward expression of who we see ourselves to be, revealed through clothing, hairstyle, hair color, tattoos, piercings, and jewelry, to name a few. And whether or not you agree with your daughter’s style expression, it’s important that you let her speak while you listen with a goal to better understand her.

Many dads have asked me how to guide their daughter through this maze when they disagree with her clothing choices. I know it’s a bigger conversation than what I’m sharing here, but it’s my desire to stand with you as you take a proactive step forward by looking through your daughter’s eyes and seeing her where she is right now.

For now, I encourage you to invite your daughter to join you as you open this conversation about her clothing style. If she doubts your motives or intent, you can show her these questions ahead of time. (For more on this topic, you can refer to a longer list of questions in Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters with “Dad-Daughter Date Questionnaire #18: Questions on Her Clothing Choices”).

Make it your goal to listen without judgment or criticism, which is a key foundational step in bridge-building with your daughter.

If she doesn’t live close or isn’t open to meeting in person, feel free to send these questions to let her know you care. (I’ve attached a pdf here).

Here’s a list of questions to ask your daughter. And the last question is a fun and funny one to engage your daughter in rating your style. Have fun!

1. How would you describe your style? (circle all that fit)

• Playful

• Girly/Feminine

• Boho/Free-spirited/Casual

• Sporty

• Classic

• Earthy/ Hippie

• Artsy

• Retro

• Spicy/Edgy

• Modern/Trendy/Current

• Tomboy

• Goth

• Unconventional

• Other 

2. Is it important for you to have a personal style and look that’s all your own or is it not that big of a deal to you?

3. What words in the list above would you say described your style two years ago? What about five years ago?

4. Do you like your current style? Have you thought about changing it? If you did change it, what new style captures your attention?

5. Are there any celebrities whose style you would say matches yours? What about his or her style do you like?

6. Does style and fashion play a part in the way you connect with your friends…or not?

7. What do you enjoy about having a style that’s all your own? Is there any part of this whole thing that’s ever stressful for you?

8. Now let’s talk about my style as your dad. What words would you use to describe it and do you have any suggestions for how I could update my look? (This one can be really fun and funny if you choose not to be offended by anything she says.)

[One last note: Most men think their style is fine despite input to the contrary from the women in their lives! But if you allow yourself to be open to your daughter’s input about your style, it can create a powerful dad-daughter bonding interaction. Then for “extra dad points,” I encourage you to concede and let her choose one new item for your wardrobe, which will be a gift that keeps on giving because every time you wear it, she’ll remember that you respected her input, adding yet another positive experience to your repertoire!].

This is your time to grow as a dad in asking your daughter questions to better understand her clothing style choices that are her way of making a statement about herself.

12 Reasons Why I'm Thankful For GirlDads: The Thanksgiving Edition

Since we’re all preparing for Thanksgiving next week, I decided to celebrate early by giving you a dose of encouragement, Dad, with 12 specific reasons why I’m grateful for you.

And even if you’re not relationally solid with your daughter right now, the fact remains that you have value and impact, whether you’re close or far away from her. 

Having walked alongside girls and young women for the past 40+ years, I can undoubtedly say that a father is one of the most important influences in his daughter’s life, as research also confirms. (Some even say her father is the most important influence in her life).

You, Dad, shape her identity and build (or diminish) her confidence more than almost anyone else. You, Dad, lay the foundation of who she is and who she sees herself to be, and one positive word or action from you can instantly turn a bad day into a good one.

In keeping with this theme, here’s 12 more ways to highlight why you matter and why I’m celebrating you today:

1. Your opinion carries significant weight in your daughter’s life. (Even if your daughter says or acts like your input isn’t important, it does).

2. Your attentive presence communicates more per square inch than you’d imagine. (I’m not sure why it does, but it does; you’ll just have to believe me on that one!). When you’re around, she feels safe.

3. When you show up, she internalizes that she is worthy and valuable.

4. When you provide for her needs, she settles into knowing and believing she’ll be okay and be taken care of.

5. When you look at her, you’re affirming that she really does have value. (Eye contact is vitally important if you want her to feel special and worth your time).

6. Your smile, when directed towards her, reflects that she’s loved and special.

7. You make her day better by remembering what matters to her, especially the little things. (Even if you think those little things are silly or unimportant).

8. When you’re proud of her, she thrives and rises to the occasion with more enthusiasm and motivation to prove to herself that she’s strong and competent.

9. Your support and encouragement makes her believe she can do anything (because she’ll internalize and embrace this positive gift from you).

10. When you lead by example (by modeling humility, admitting fault, choosing forgiveness, releasing offenses, being grateful and kind, having a good attitude, spending time investing in people and projects, being generous, etc.), it doesn’t matter what everyone else says or does because you’re showing her what it looks like in action.

11. Even if everything comes crashing down around her, when you’re in her corner, cheering her on, she picks herself up and keeps believing in herself.

12. You have the privilege of leading your daughter to connect with her Heavenly Father by expressing His attributes to her (a.k.a. heart pursuit, unconditional love, consistent provision, protection, etc.).

There it is---12 specific things to encourage your heart today, Dad, and remind you why you matter in your daughter’s life.

I’m thankful for each of you and the way you’re positively influencing your daughter by being intentional and consistent as you pursue her heart. I truly believe we will be a healthier country from the ground up with healthier women….and that’s where you come in!

To sum up, from my heart to yours on this week of thanksgiving, I simply say, “Thanks, Dad.”

5 SPOOK-Proof Strategies for Solving the Mystery of Your Daughter

With Halloween being just around the corner, I thought it would be fun to talk today about how you as dads can solve the MYSTERY of your daughter in ways that are less SPOOKY or SCARY.

I often hear fathers tell me their daughters are complicated and complex, sometimes even downright confusing. Yet, believe it or not, I’ve discovered that we girls are not as hard to understand as we may appear. If you, Dad, are open incorporating these insights into your daily rhythms, you’ll see how quickly your daughter will respond to you more positively. Let me say it another way:

The more you understand your daughter’s wiring and core needs, the less of a MYSTERY she’ll be to you.

These five spook-proof strategies for decoding your daughter come from one of my favorite stories in the Bible.

Quick backstory: Mary and Martha are sisters who were close personal friends of Jesus. He was like family to them and loved their brother too. Jesus knew them and they knew him. I love the way Jesus related specifically to Martha, the more dramatic of the two women, during a time when she was overly reactive, totally stressed, and basically freaking out.

If you can relate to experiencing any of these realities with the women in your home or life, you’ll appreciate learning what Jesus did (with his male energy) to enter the fray with his frazzled female friend. I guarantee if you follow His lead, you and your daughter will benefit.

1. He lets her vent to Him while He listens to all of it.

Even when Martha dramatically blurts out that Jesus “doesn’t care” (false assumptions always take place during meltdowns), she continues by crying about having to do everything “by myself.” And if that wasn’t enough, she then barks at Jesus and demands that he tell her sister to help her. Surprisingly, he doesn’t lecture, but listens and absorbs her intensity by being her sounding board.

2. He says her name twice….gently and lovingly.

There’s something calming when any of us hear our name. And for us girls, it’s grounding for us to be spoken to by name. If you speak your daughter’s name with love in your tone and in a gentle way, she will come towards you----maybe not right away, but it is a powerful, healing strategy that works.

3. He sits with her in her emotional reality.

Notice that he doesn’t try and talk her out of what she’s feeling or try to get her to think rationally. No lecture. No criticism. Jesus knows that she couldn’t hear it anyway while being so worked up. So he simply stays with her, looks at her, validates her, and puts words to what she’s feeling, calling it “worry” and “upset.” He tenderly names her emotions. No judgment.

4. He highlights all that is on her life plate.

As girls we are wired to multi-task. That’s why we can talk on the phone, paint our nails, watch a show, and do homework…all at the same time! Yet all of a sudden we reach our max and then comes the explosion. Again, this is where we need gentle grace not power positions. Jesus lets Martha know that he knew she indeed did have “many things” going on, which led to her meltdown. If you validate all that is pressing in on your daughter, your words will go far to make her feel heard and understood (which is empathy---compassionately looking at her life through her eyes).

5. He directs her to focus on one thing.

Jesus tells her that “only one thing is needed.” The implication is that it’s about focusing on Him as the one thing rather than all the needs around her. I’ll take this theme one step further and add that when we girls get overwhelmed with the “too much to do and not enough time” reality, we need gentle, supportive guidance to take it one thing at a time. Breaking it down into bite size pieces is immensely helpful when we’re breaking down.

5 Keys to Decoding Your Daughter

Have you ever secretly wished that your daughter came with a decoder ring? Or if not a ring, perhaps a playbook?

Truth be told: Don’t you think it would be far easier to be a dialed-in dad if your daughter consistently made more sense to you? And wouldn’t it be wonderful if there were some manual that told you what to say and what not to say, as well as what to do and what not to do to get it right as a #girldad?!

Just so you feel less alone, I want you to know how often I hear dads say to me, “I have no idea what to do to help my daughter.” I’m truly honored whenever a man is vulnerable and willing to ask for input.

Dad, here’s what I want you to hear from my heart to yours, something I don’t think you hear enough:

Not only are you important, but you are vital to your daughter’s health and well-being—even if her words and behavior at times speak to the contrary. I also want you to know that you matter...a lot…and without your active engagement, your daughter will suffer.

And though you may feel in over your head at times, I want you to know that you’re in good company. I’ve noticed that men are often keenly aware of their deficits and find it easier to disqualify themselves than face the potential confirmation of incompetence. Add in the additional complexity of fathering a daughter whose needs intensify as she matures, and many fathers are stepping back rather than stepping in.

Though I don’t claim to have a corner on all things female, when it comes to coaching dads of daughters, I do know some insider trade secrets regarding what girls need from their dads in order to thrive. Though this list barely scratches the surface, it will get the conversation started.

As a dad of a daughter, here are a few things you need to know in order to decode your daughter, especially if she doesn’t know how to tell you these things herself:

1. She longs for your approval.

If your daughter has ever given you the message that you are unnecessary, don’t believe her. She’s craving your support and affirmation. And if she doesn’t get what she needs from you, she’ll go looking for it elsewhere. When she looks at you, you’re like a mirror who reflects back an image of herself that she internalizes. This is why it’s vital that you never give her the message that she’s more than you can handle. Keep giving positive, consistent, and intentional investments—with your words, time, and attention.

2. Even if she pushes you away, don’t go away.

It often saddens me to hear dads assume they don’t have value in the lives of their daughters because the bases are already covered elsewhere. I do understand that as girls mature, they are less predictable, more verbal, and way more emotional, which makes it very challenging for dads. But it’s important to know that this is when hormones begin to rage in her body and brain (over which she has no control since it’s about estrogen surging through her body), and they impact her moods, behavior, and thinking. This is normal and these are realities over which she has no control. This is when she needs you even more during these years, dad. If you back away, your daughter could conclude that she’s not worth loving. Your active presence (a.k.a. moving towards her and initiating time together) lets her know she is worthy and valuable. 

3.  She needs you to always respond with kindness.

Just know that it goes a long way to keeping her heart open when you speak kindly, gently, tenderly, and patiently. If you’re at a loss for words, simply say: “I want to understand. Help me understand.”  These words align with Malachi 4:6 where God directs fathers to turn their hearts---not just their heads---towards their children. And although you may not be as skilled in turning your heart as you are with turning your head, as you mindfully pray for this fruit of the Spirit to be evidenced in you (kindness), I believe you’ll see the evidence of this virtue being developed in you more and more as your first response.

4. Light up when you see her.

Your daughter is innately wired with the need to be the sparkle (or light) in someone’s eyes. And because you were the first man who held her, she will turn less to the counterfeit if she has experienced the real thing with you.

When you consistently make relational deposits into your daughter’s heart, she will become that sparkle, that source of joy, to you and others. 

5. She needs you to interact spiritually.

The Barna Group conducted a study that was released in May of 2019 titled, “The Power Influence of Mothers in Christians’ Households.” You may not be surprised to hear that of the 2,347 kids who were interviewed, about 75% said they primarily go to their moms for spiritual guidance and encouragement. The report also noted that 60 to 75% said they relied on their fathers to provide tangible needs (a.k.a. money) and logistical help. This means that dads are doing an excellent job as they set an example in meeting practical needs while also highlighting where fathers must do better.

Your daughters (and sons) are vulnerable if you don’t step in spiritually.

Here’s what I’ve heard from teenage and 20-something daughters when I asked them what they need from their dads when it comes to spiritual influence:

• “I like when my dad calls me to let me know he’s thinking of me or praying for me.” 

• “I like going to church together or going to a Christian concert.”

• “I wish that my dad would ask me about my spiritual walk and if I say I'm not doing well that he would tell me how I can go about fixing it.” 

I put this spiritual decoding tool last because a daughter will be more open to listening to your input about spiritual things if you have first laid a foundation relationally with her, as noted in the first four tips.

I want to close by being clear in sharing my heart so that you don’t have to decode what I’m saying: I believe in the transformative, healing power of a dad’s love expressed through consistent pursuit of his daughter’s heart.

Let this be the year that you step up and step in as a more intentional dialed-in dad. With God’s help, you can do it! 

Understanding Your Mysterious Daughter

So often hear fathers tell me that their daughters are complicated, complex, confusing, and unpredictable. The mysterious nature of a young daughter’s tantrum, a teenage attitude, or an adult’s cold shoulder spooks fathers everywhere into frustration in their relationships. However, I have discovered that we girls are not as hard to understand as we may seem!

Today’s decoding strategy comes straight from the one Man in all of history who always got it right when it came to relationships. You may know who I’m talking about: Jesus. I figure there’s no better example than learning from the best!

During His time on earth he met two sisters, Martha and Mary, and they were close, personal friends of Jesus. He knew them and they knew him. For better or worse. Let’s pick up the story (from Luke 10:38-42 if you want to look it up later) where Martha is overly reactive, super stressed, and basically freaking out.

If you can relate to experiencing any of those realities in your home, listen to what Jesus (with his male energy) did to enter the fray with his frazzled female friend.

Here are the 5 “easy” steps to decoding and relating to your daughter, especially during those times when things are emotionally intense.

1. He lets her vent to Him while He listens to all of it.
Even when she dramatically tells Jesus that he “doesn’t care” (false assumptions always take place during meltdowns) she continues by crying about having to do everything “by myself.” And if that wasn’t enough, she then barks at Jesus and demands that he tell her sister to help her. Surprisingly, he doesn’t lecture but listens and essentially absorbs her intensity by being her sounding board.

2. He says her name twice…gently and lovingly.
There’s something calming when any of us hear our name. And for us girls, it’s grounding for us to be spoken to by name. If you speak your daughter’s name with love in your tone and in a gentle way, she will come towards you---maybe not right away, but it is a powerful, healing strategy that works.

3. He sits with her in her emotional reality.
Notice that he doesn’t try and talk her out of what she’s feeling or try to get her to think rationally. No lecture. No criticism. Jesus knows that she couldn’t hear it anyway while being so worked up. So, he simply stays with her, looks at her, validates her, and puts words to what she’s feeling, calling it “worry” and “upset.” He tenderly names her emotions. No judgment.

4. He highlights all that is on her life plate.
As girls we are wired to multi-task. That’s why we can talk on the phone, paint our nails, watch a show, and do homework…all at the same time! Yet all of a sudden, we reach the end of our rope and implode. Again, this is where we need gentle grace not power positions. Jesus just told Martha that he knew she had “many things” going on, leading to her melt down. How kind of him to notice. If you validate all that is pressing in on your daughter, your words will go long and far to make her feel heard and understood.

5. He directs her to focus on one thing.
Jesus tells her that “only one thing is needed.” The implication is that it’s about focusing on Him as the one thing rather than all the needs around her. When we girls get overwhelmed with the much, we need gentle, supportive guidance to take it one thing at a time. Breaking it down into bite size pieces is immensely helpful when we’re breaking down.

Summing up: When your daughter is melting down sit alongside her and listen to her vent. Move towards her, and lovingly say her name. Tell her that you understand that she is “worried and upset.” Let her know you do see that she has a lot on her plate, and assist in helping her to focus on one issue.

I know it’s easier said than done, but these 5 things will make all the difference in the eye of the storm when you are there trying to keep up with her complexity. And after the storm has passed, the main thing your daughter will remember is that you Dad were there in it with her.

You're Not Wearing THAT, Are You?

When dads ask me questions about how to be a better parent to their daughters, the scenarios range from how to handle blue hair to short dresses to low cut shirts to tight pants. There’s nothing more horrifying for a dad than to see his daughter heading out to face the world in something that shows way too much booty (or any body part, for that matter!)

One such thought-provoking question was posed to me when I spoke to a group of men who had gathered early one Friday morning at their kids’ school for an event called Dads and Donuts (a monthly forum where dads came to the campus, listened to a speaker, and connected with each other…all while being “bribed” by a plethora of free donuts!)

Grant spoke up first and said,

“My daughter is in 7th grade and we got into it just this morning. She was heading out the door to school when I caught a glimpse of what she was wearing. There was absolutely no way I was okay seeing her in an outfit that was clinging to her body and showing that much skin. I told her she couldn’t wear it, and of course, the sparks flew. My question to you is: How could I have handled that situation differently?”

Right then, with every dad staring at me, waiting for the “magic answer,” I realized that they were all commiserating with him and feeling his pain. They all knew he needed an answer that would fix the problem…today. With that reality in mind, I responded by saying,

“My guess is that once your daughter was upset with you, the whole intense interaction between you escalated, which caused her mom to jump in to comfort your daughter, then leading mom to be angry with you because they were your comments that led to her daughter crying and it was your fault. So not only was your daughter upset with you, but now mom was too.”

It was then that Grant blurted out, “Were you at our house this morning?!”, prompting laughter from all the guys, which I heard as the incredible sound of communal support and commiseration.

I took a breath and continued,

“The first thought that comes to my mind is that it’s never a good idea to have a confrontation when your daughter is on her way OUT the door. She had probably already put her outfit together the night before and had matched her makeup and her hair to coordinate with her outfit. And now you wanted her to change it all in a matter of minutes. There is no way that we as girls can change course that fast, especially when it comes to our clothes.

It was then and there that Grant’s look of distress immediately turned to a relieved smile. “That would have been really good to have known this morning!”

I realize that I don’t have all the answers about how to be a dad to a daughter, but having been a teenage girl, I responded to this dad out of how I wished my own dad had responded to me when I was her age. I do think it’s easy for dads to unnecessarily pull “the power card” with their maturing daughters when in the long run that stance isn’t always helpful in areas that aren’t about life or death.

Instead, I encourage you dads to work at listening to your daughter’s point of view on these kinds of tricky issues because the truth is that she’ll be out of your house before you know it and then she’ll be making decisions on her own. You may have to meet her halfway and concede sometimes. If you only tell her what you think and rule with a heavy hand (e.g., “No daughter of mine is going out of the house looking like THAT!"), she won’t learn HOW to think and make good decisions on her own if you always make them for her.

I know you’re trying to protect her and that’s awesome. But truthfully, it’s more about HOW you navigate the situation with her than anything. It’s about your tone of voice and body language that will make or break the conversation (and timing, of course). Come to her with a calm stance and not anger. Approach her the way you’d want your boss or colleague to approach you---with respect. Treat her the way you want to be treated.

That, my friend, is the best way to prepare your daughter for adulthood.

So how about ending with an action step today. Since this blog is about the clothes your daughter wears, what if you were to surprise her by telling her that you want to take her to the store for no particular reason and let her pick out one new item of clothing! I assure you that she’ll always remember that event with you (and that item) for the rest of her life.

Then while you’re at the store with her, she’ll be choosing something that has a memory of you tied to it. And when she wears it out of the house, you can be the first one to smile, wink at her, and say, “You’re wearing THAT today? You, my dear, look beautiful!”

How NOT to Make it Worse When Your Daughter is Grieving a Loss

Dad, you may have been raised in a family where showing emotions like sadness or fear weren’t tolerated, especially for boys. Perhaps you heard messages like, “real men don’t cry” because “only sissies show weakness.”

Sadly, as a result of this type of conditioning, there are too many men who don’t know how to truly connect to their emotions and have never learned how to release any feeling other than anger. (If this is you, I highly recommend a fantastic book by my good friend Marc Alan Schelske titled The Wisdom of Your Heart: Discovering the God-Given Purpose and Power of Your Emotions.)

Yet because daughters have a unique way of reaching their dads’ hearts, I’ve observed that men are easily inspired to go to greater depths within themselves in order to connect with their girls, often to places they didn’t even know they were capable of going. And since girls and women tend to respond best to softer emotions, a daughter unwittingly leads the way for her dad to expand his emotional bandwidth just for her.

And because the strongest bond any of us can ever have with another person is called a trauma bond, as you enter into your daughter’s grief process with her, a deeper, lasting bond is forming.

When it comes to walking alongside your daughter through such painful life experiences as loss and death, the best gift you can give her is to stay with her through her emotional process. This kind of response communicates that you’re in it with her for as long as it takes to express all her tears, fears, and questions.

For most people, grief doesn’t have an expiration date, so this is all about pacing with her through the entirety of the process according to her time frame.

If you find yourself wanting your daughter to get over her sadness quickly because it increases your distress to see her in pain, remember that your goal is to provide a safe space for her to emote and talk about her grief.

This will set her on the pathway to healing while simultaneously deepening her attachment to you.

And don’t ever tell her not to feel what she’s feeling and never give her the message that she’s weak for crying.

Even if you don’t understand all that she’s feeling (in power and duration), if you remain cognizant of the fact that you don’t need to fix her or take away her pain, you’ll discover that your presence with her in her sadness is a forever gift.

I’m attaching a list of questions here that will help you lead the way in giving your daughter permission to open up to you about her feelings of loss and grief---whether it’s the death of a loved one (a person or pet), not getting a job promotion, not making the team, or ending a relationship, whether romantic or otherwise, to name a few.

And whether you know it or not, your shoulders were made for this kind of heavy lifting.

So with a bit of practice, you’ll get stronger and more adept at entering into the tough stuff with your daughter. I’ll even go as far as saying that by carrying her load with her through asking questions that allow her to express what’s inside and actively listening, you’ll help decrease the negative intensity of her experience by 50%.

Now that’s a worthy use of your time and energy, wouldn’t you say? Go Dad!