Closing the Dream Gap

Over the past couple of years a new term has emerged called the ‘Dream Gap.’ You may have already heard of it, but for me this is something I just learned about recently. And because it’s rocking my world, I wanted to bring it to your attention, Dads.

Let’s start with the historical context:

In 2017 researchers from NYU, Princeton, and the University of Illinois collaborated to present findings from their ground-breaking research, revealing that by the age of five, girls quit dreaming and stop believing they can be anything they want to be or do anything they set their minds to. By contrast, boys in this age range are not experiencing the same things.

They also reported that by the age of six, girls stop associating brilliance with their gender and start avoiding activities that require what they perceive to be high levels of intelligence. Further, the more heart-breaking reality is that when these gender stereotypes regarding a lack of intellectual ability in females take root early, they are believed to have life-long negative impacts on their interests, choices, and career paths.

In other words, when girls decline involvement in activities they believe are reserved only for those who are “really, really smart,” they tend to make choices not to engage in activities where they might have otherwise flourished had they tried. And these restrictive beliefs block young girls and women from pursuing their aspirations, which researchers believe correlates to women being underrepresented in fields that value genius, such as philosophy or physics.

[You can read more about these findings at: https://bit.ly/2RWRpky]

One mom’s story:

In her blog, “Life with my Littles,” Chelsea Johnson shares her personal story around this theme: 

“I first heard about the Dream Gap back in May at Barbie headquarters, and it hit me hard. My daughter just turned four, and right now, she is such a bright, shining light in our family. She loves imagining who she can become and her dream is to become a worker (a construction worker) and a veterinarian (we’re lucky Barbie makes a vet doll and a builder doll!). One day she wants to build her own veterinary clinic. To her, anything is possible, and I want her to always believe that she can be or do anything she wants.

When I heard about the Dream Gap and what research has shown, I was terrified for her. I have friends with daughters between five and seven, and they’ve casually said things to me that have shown me that this gap is real in their daughter’s lives. I don’t want my daughter, or any other girl, to doubt her potential or to think that just because she’s a girl she can’t become who she wants to. Even if you don’t have a daughter, I’m sure you can relate to this feeling.”

Yes, I can relate to this feeling because this is my story:

Sometimes people assume that I’m intelligent simply because I have letters after my name. Yet regardless of what people tell me, here is my standard response every single time someone makes a comment about my academic accomplishments: “I’m not that smart…I just work hard.”

Until reading this research, I hadn’t considered that I’m actually perfectly positioned inside this stereotypical norm group, mostly because of my own self-deprecating beliefs. Even more, I assumed that I would be convinced I was smart enough after graduating with my doctorate, which included doing my own research, then writing and defending my dissertation.

But unfortunately, I wouldn’t say that there has been a positive shift in this area in the last decade. So here I am as an educated woman who still doesn’t fully believe that I have enough intellect to be considered truly intelligent.

The crazy thing is that I don’t even know what enough would look like if I had it. I just know that I don’t believe I have as much as I possibly could have.

Did you notice how many times I used the word enough? I assure you that I don’t believe I’m dumb. In fact, I know I have smarts. It’s more that I don’t think I’m smart enough.

You’re probably a step ahead of me and can see that this statement elicits a follow-up question: Smart enough for what or smart enough in comparison to whom? Do you see how relative all of this is and how nebulous these concepts are? What does ‘enough’ even mean in practical terms?

I have an answer.

I was never as smart as Stephanie Weirson, a girl who was in my class from grade school through high school. And it seemed that every time we had a test, she finished long before I was even to the half way point. Solidifying her elevated position in my mind, she was always at the top of the leader board when our grades came out. So Ms. Weirson became my internalized standard against which I measured myself and she was always ahead of me because somehow I linked speed of responses to IQ. Yet now that I say it out loud, I realize how absurd that is!

I have honestly never said any of this out loud quite like this…until now. So here I am admitting that somewhere along the way I adopted a skewed “grid for smartness” and it has gone unchallenged and uncontested…until now.

I’m reluctant to admit this, but the reality is that I self-deprecate as much as the next woman even though, on the outside, no one would guess that I do.

As a result, I’ve been believing a lie that hasn’t been broken because it’s never been spoken.

Defining the ‘Dream Gap’ in more detail:

In response to the study I mentioned at the start of this blog, Mattel launched a global campaign just three months ago called the ‘Dream Gap Project.’ Their goal is to close the gap that stands between girls and their full potential through raising awareness of gender biases and stereotypes that are placed on them at a young age, reinforced primarily by the media and from subtle messages by adults. Thus, they are encouraging girls to counter their self-limiting beliefs by dreaming for more while reaching for the stars.

On their website, Mattel boldly states their motivation behind this initiative:

“The Dream Gap is a crisis not only because it robs girls of the ability to value themselves in an essential context. Dreaming is the key to a future in which more than 80 percent of jobs are STEM-related [Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math], and so we are all robbed. Simply put, dreaming, if we define that term as imagining new possibilities, exploring new worlds and thinking new thoughts, is what makes innovation and new breakthroughs possible.”

In this short video [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpLT8bEQ78A], a group of adorable young girls collectively use their voices to define the ‘Dream Gap’ in this way:

“Starting at age five, girls stop believing they can be presidents, scientists, astronauts, big thinkers, engineers, CEOs, and the list goes on. Why? Because what else are we going to believe when we are three times less likely to be given a science-related toy…and when our parents are twice as likely to Google ‘Is my son gifted?’ than ‘Is my daughter gifted?’ That’s not cool.”

Keeping true to their word to increase purposeful dreaming in girls through imaginative play, Mattel recently announced their Girl of the Year as Luciana Vega, whom they describe as “a creative, confident 11-year old girl and aspiring astronaut who dreams of being the first person to go to Mars!”

I am excited that empowered role models are being shown to young girls that invite them to think outside of a stereotypical box as they hold dolls that embody intelligence and strength. This sentiment is reinforced by the little girls in the above-mentioned video as they say:

“We need to see brilliant women being brilliant. And see how they got to where they there. To imagine ourselves doing what they do. But we can’t do it alone. Mom, dads, brothers, bosses, we need all of you to help. We need to close the dream gap. It’s up to all of us.”

How a Dad Can Help Close the ‘Dream Gap’:

You may feel like there’s very little you can do to override the powerful undertow of our cultural tide that comes against your daughter with negative messages that attack the very qualities that you seek to see displayed in her. You may believe your efforts are futile to successfully celebrate your daughter’s creativity, brilliance, optimism, vision, and passion when she isn’t always met with the same enthusiasm and support outside of your home.

As a dad you have the privilege of standing in the gap for your daughter so she can hear your affirming voice above the rest. You get to speak life into her spirit and applaud her uniqueness by supporting her dreams and goals (even if they’re different than the dreams and goals you have for her.)

This is where we as girls and women need YOU, our dads, to:

1. Challenge us to face our fears

2. Let us know that it’s okay to be afraid through this process of honing our vision

3. Remind us that in your eyes we’re a winner when we give our best, even if we don’t win first prize

4. Believe that we’re enough when we don’t believe that we are

5. Run alongside us while we’re learning to dream beyond our natural limitations

6. Coach us with wisdom about the fact that character is proven when we get back up after we fall

7. Cheer us on with your unwavering support as you speak life-breathing words into us

8. Repeat the truth that success is in the journey, not just in the outcome

9. Tell us that you’re proud of us and love us no matter what

And, Dad, if you want one more idea to help your daughter close the dream gap, I encourage you to invite her to write a list of TEN OUTRAGEOUS THINGS SHE WISHES SHE HAD THE NERVE TO DO. Then have her date and sign it.

A decade ago I wrote out my list of ten outrageous things and one of them was “to write a book.” It seemed like a crazy impossibility at the time, but then in 2014 my first book was released. So I speak from personal experience when I say: Dream it and do it!

For extra dad points, you can create your own list, modeling to your daughter that you’re never too old to set new goals and think forward in expanding normal limits. This list can also serve as a prayer guide as you agree with God to support your daughter to live beyond her natural limits as she is released into his supernatural calling on her life!

Dad, you can help to close the dream gap today by standing in the gap with your daughter.

Five Steps for Taking Away the MYSTERY of Father Your Daughter

I often hear fathers tell me that their daughters are complicated and complex, confusing and unpredictable. I get that.

But believe it or not, I honestly believe that we girls are not as hard to understand as we may seem…once you figure out the simple tricks to gaining access to our hearts, that is!

My decoding strategy for you is coming to you straight from the one Man in all of history who always got it right when it came to relationships.  Of course you know who I’m talking about: Jesus. I figure there’s nothing better than learning from the best!

Here are five “easy” steps to decoding and relating to your daughter, especially during those times when things are emotionally intense (and may seem SPOOKY to you!).

(And if you don’t want to read further and just want a one-step plan, I would say to be gentle, soft, and calm.  And yes, those ARE manly words, I assure you, because only a strong man can accomplish this…it’s hard!).

Here goes:  There were two sisters, Martha and Mary, and they were close, personal friends of Jesus. He knew them and they knew him. For better or worse. 

Let’s pick up the story (from Luke 10:38-42 if you want to look it up later) where Martha is overly reactive, super stressed, and basically freaking out. 

If you can relate to experiencing any of those realities in your home, listen to what Jesus (with his male energy) did to enter the fray with his frazzled female friend. 

1.  He lets her vent to Him while He listens to all of it.
Even when she dramatically tells Jesus that he “doesn’t care” (false assumptions always take place during meltdowns) she continues by crying about having to do everything “by myself.” And if that wasn’t enough, she then barks at Jesus and demands that he tell her sister to help her. Surprisingly, he doesn’t lecture but listens and essentially absorbs her intensity by being her sounding board.

2.  He says her name twice….gently and lovingly.
There’s something calming when any of us hear our name.  And for us girls, it’s grounding for us to be spoken to by name. If you speak your daughter’s name with love in your tone and in a gentle way, she will usually come towards you----maybe not right away, but it is a powerful, healing strategy that works.

3.  He sits with her in her emotional reality.
Notice that he doesn’t try and talk her out of what she’s feeling or try to get her to think rationally. No lecture. No criticism.  Jesus knows that she couldn’t hear it anyway while being so worked up.  So he simply stays with her, looks at her, validates her, and puts words to what she’s feeling, calling it “worry” and “upset.”  He tenderly names her emotions. No judgment.

4.  He highlights all that is on her life plate.
As girls we are wired to multi-task.  That’s why we can talk on the phone, paint our nails, watch a show, and do homework…all at the same time!  Yet all of a sudden we reach our max and then comes the explosion.  Again, this is where we need gentle grace not power positions.  Jesus just told Martha that he knew she had “many things” going on, leading to her melt down.  How kind of him to notice.  If you validate all that is pressing in on your daughter, your words will go long and far to make her feel heard and understood.

5.  He directs her to focus on one thing.
Jesus tells her that “only one thing is needed.”  The implication is that it’s about focusing on Him as the one thing rather than all the needs around her.  When we girls get overwhelmed with the much, we need gentle, supportive guidance to take it one thing at a time.  Breaking it down into bite size pieces is immensely helpful when we’re breaking down.
Summing up: 

• When your daughter is melting down, sit alongside her and listen to her vent, move towards her and lovingly say her name.

• Tell her that you understand that she is “worried and upset.” 

• Let her know you do see that she has a lot on her plate, and assist in helping her to focus on one thing. 

I know it’s easier said than done but these five things will make all the difference in the eye of the storm when you are there trying to keep up with her complexity.  And after the storm has passed, the main thing your daughter will remember is that you, Dad, were there in it with her.

Choose one thing from the list above right now and commit to putting it into action this week out of love for your daughter, which is the best way to turn this week into a “HalloWIN” celebration! 

To Boo or Not to Boo...That is the Question

Since this is Halloween Week, it seems only fitting to share something that might be considered a treat (if this indeed is helpful, that is!)…or maybe it’s a trick. I’ll let you decide.

First, a question: When you hear the word “boo!” what comes to mind?

I’m guessing that you’re picturing someone shouting that word while jumping out from a hiding place towards you. And if the attempt is successful, you probably had the bageebers scared out of you when they did!

But instead of that specific reference point, I’m switching things up today (hence, the trick!).

When I hear the word “boo,” I immediately think of an audience in a sports arena loudly shouting that word to a referee when they disagree with a call. Can you envision that roaring sound as an entire crowd of strangers bonds over their shared opinion in response to a team they love?

In that context, the word “boo” expresses disagreement and intense displeasure, which basically lines up with Webster’s definition of it being a response marked by someone “showing disapproval or contempt.” This led me to look up the word contempt, which is described as “the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.”

 That said, I’m wondering if you as a dad are more readily inclined to shout a “boo” or a cheer.

If we’re being honest, we can all admit to having “boo-ed” someone before. In those times we can easily move into a “one up” position that not only communicates disapproval, but might come across as mockery of the other person’s decision or position. Of course that isn’t typically our intention, but that’s how the other person could perceive it, especially daughters from their dads.

We as women are easily devastated with that kind of negative interaction, even if sometimes we’re the one who started it. That’s where you as a dad have to be the bigger person. I’m not sure why it is, but there’s something that becomes magnified inside us as girls when there’s a disapproving look from you even if words aren’t spoken. We have feelers on top of feelers and then we internalize your disapproval. Honestly, there’s nothing worse than knowing we’ve disappointed you. It’s not the same as if some stupid kid at school says it.

It’s like we lose our footing if that viewpoint comes from someone we admire or elevate, especially you.

When it comes to our dads, it’s a devastating blow when you “boo” us. That’s when we start believing that we’re “less than” or worthless or deserving of your scorn because that’s what we hear you saying about us (even if you’re unaware that this is what’s being communicated). It’s then that we often stop trying because we think that we can’t please you anyway. Or we get hurt when you haven’t noticed how hard we’re trying because you only notice the things we aren’t doing (hence, the “boo”).

 The weight of the relationship has everything to do with the impact of the opinion.

 So if you’re a dad who wants to ensure that you’re not “boo-ing” your daughter, use these questions to reflect on how you interact with her:

• Does your daughter hear your comments about her clothing only when you disapprove of the choices she’s made?

• Does she know when you do approve of how she’s dressed because she hears you telling her that she’s beautiful in your eyes?

• Do you readily make your opinion known when you don’t like the guy she’s interested in or do you make sure she knows how proud you are of her when she chooses well, especially when it comes to guys? (you might have to dig deep on this one to find something worthy of your commendation)

• Do you let her know your disapproval when she doesn’t do her chores or follow the rules, but fail to celebrate when she does respond positively and do things right?

• Do you come down hard on her when her grades start to slip, but forget to applaud her when she hits it out of the ballpark on tests or gets her homework done?

• Does your daughter get an earful when you disapprove of the way she interacts with her siblings, but rarely hears you notice all the times she works hard to get along with them?

Remember that negativity breeds negativity so if you want your daughter to grow and thrive, she needs to hear you cheering her on from the stands more than using that three letter word.

So Dad, ask yourself if you’ve shouted more “boo’s” than cheers this week. Then give your daughter a Halloween treat by letting her know that you’re celebrating her with affirmation and encouragement…just because you love her.

Bad Hair Days and How Dad Can Save the Day

It's a Friday afternoon in August.

2:30 pm. I had just gotten my hair cut and it turned out way shorter than I had wanted. The cut wasn’t bad--it just wasn’t what I expected.

5:30 pm. My parents pick me up and we head to Panera for dinner. Of course I vent about my haircut. For ten minutes. It was then that my mom (who is the sweetest, most gentle and tender soul on the planet) turned around and lovingly said to me, “Do you think we could be happy now and maybe just move on?”

I’d love to say that I received her invitation with grace and thanksgiving. But no. Here’s what you would have heard if you were a fly on the inside of the car door as I responded with depth and maturity (not!):

“How do you think my clients would feel if, after ten minutes of being in my office, I told them that they’d had enough of feeling sad for today and now it was time to move on and be happy?”

I then added, “I have the privilege of listening to people’s struggles all week and now it's my turn to be listened to. But you want me to be instantly happy. I figure things out by processing and I just need you to listen as I talk it out. That is a gift to me.”

My cute momma said she would try to listen more (even though she’d clearly had enough of my bitchin’ and moanin’). But I kind of shut down after that, even though I was trying hard not to.

Through all of this my dad was sitting in the driver’s seat of the car, not saying a word. He held the ground steady as the ripples of the earthquake that started in the backseat were making their way forward. After living with four daughters and a wife, he’s learned at times like this that it’s best to stay silent until the storm has passed.

5:55 pm. We walk into Panera. The emotional air is thick around us but we order our food and try to salvage the evening as a best we could. My dad tells me that he really likes my haircut.

“You do? You’re not just saying that?,” I eek out.

“I think it is shaped nicely around your face and looks great on you.”

“For real? You promise you really mean that? Okay, I’ll try to believe you...thanks Dad.”

Hearing my dad’s truth about my hair helped me to look through his eyes and settle down. I guess I needed a man’s perspective more than I even realized.

My dad got it right that time. His tone, his truth, and his timing were spot on.

6:05 p.m. I can breathe again. Now I’m ready to enjoy eating a fantastic Greek Chicken Salad with a whole wheat baguette on the side. Partial melt down complete. Total melt down averted.

I don’t know what happens at times like this for us girls when the world seems to cave in over a seemingly insignificant thing and it’s hard to regain solid footing. That’s when dad wins the triple word score by saying just the right thing in just the right way at just the right time.

It doesn’t have to be a ton of verbiage, but your calming presence, Dad, and a few words of affirmation seem to do the trick.

The emotional torrents where the winds and waves hit unexpectedly have a way of dying down when the response from you parallels the desired outcome: soft, gentle, tender, rational, clear. That’s when you save the day. That’s when you save our day.

Dad, you can rescue a bad hair day and help turn it around by following a few simple steps.

Let’s call them the “Five Hair Don’t’s and Hair Do’s”:

1. Don’t talk louder in an attempt to overpower her intensity when she’s overwhelmed.
Do talk softly and gently (even if that doesn’t seem very manly!).

2. Don’t tell her what to feel or not to feel.
Do tell her you’re truly sorry she’s having a hard day.

3. Don’t tell her she is making a mountain out of a molehill.
Do tell her that mountains (of emotional intensity) are part of life and you’ll always be at the base of the mountain, ready and steady.

4. Don’t tell her that she needs to toughen up.
Do tell her that her sensitivity is one of her greatest strengths while teaching her by your example what it looks like to stay calm in the storm and work it through.

5. Don’t tell her she shouldn’t care about external things, like haircuts.
Do tell her that you care about what she cares about (even if you can’t fully understand it from her perspective).

On the worst hair day, there’s nothing like having a dad who is in your corner cheering you on, telling you that you’re going to be okay while affirming you through the process.

Dad...don’t ever forget how much we need you through the high’s and the low’s of life. You are one of our greatest resources when you come alongside us and help save the day.

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