Turning the Light on 50 Shades Darker

I’m going to be blunt today, right out of the gate. My question to you as a father is this: Where is your daughter learning about sex?

The reality is that she’s learning about sex constantly. I know you’re already aware of that fact (which no doubt terrifies you), so this probably doesn’t come as much of a surprise. And if you’re like many dads I’ve talked with, you may not even want to think about the possibility of your daughter being sexually active.

Yet everywhere your daughter turns she is being bombarded with sex: on magazine covers, in sitcoms and movies, and in conversations--- at school, the gym, with friends, on dates, her workplace, and on it goes. Sexual content is so powerfully pervasive that at times it seems like it’s in the air we breathe. To say that the sexual dial has been turned up across our country is an understatement.

The time is now for you as a dad to enter into this conversation with your daughter, even if it is a bit uncomfortable for you. Why? Because she’s learning about sex somewhere, so why not from you?

Maurice Hilliard was a women’s basketball coach at Pepperdine for ten years in the early 2000’s and often found himself unexpectedly designated to a “dad role” with the girls on his team. He conducted a survey of 720 teenage girls and found that:

• 97% of the girls said that having parents a teen could talk to could help reduce teen pregnancy in general

• 93% said that having loving parents they could talk to did reduce their own risk of teen pregnancy

• 76% said that their fathers were very or somewhat influential on their decision to have sex.

With three-quarters of young women saying that their dads matter when it comes to their sexual choices, clearly it is vital that you as a dad seriously consider “kicking it up a notch” to engage your daughter in honest conversation about sex. If you, as a guy and male role model don’t talk to her about sex, she will learn about it everywhere and anywhere else. She needs you to speak into her life about this topic.  

Why am I talking about this today?

It ties to the release of the movie 50 Shades Darker that debuted just two weeks ago today. And no, I haven’t seen it or it’s prequel, 50 Shades of Grey, which are both based on a best-selling trilogy about a lot more than just sex within a committed relationship. From what I’ve heard, between movies one and two the sexual interactions have grown increasingly aggressive, intense, and raw, which begs the question:

What made Fifty Shades of Grey the most searched movie in 2015, earning $571 million worldwide? And what made 50 Shades Darker dominate Valentine’s Day last week with $12 million in revenue on just that one day?

Before the movie debuted, I watched an interview with the male lead, Jamie Dorman, who plays Christian Grey. Jamie said that his character has “a voracious sexual appetite,” and to prepare for his role he not only met prostitutes, but even spent a night in an S&M dungeon.

I’m guessing that most of us have an idea of what S&M means, but in keeping with the honest nature of this blog, here are definitions of sadism and masochism, just to ensure that we’re all talking about the same thing. Sadism means that you get pleasure from inflicting pain on someone by humiliating them, and masochism means that you get pleasure from receiving pain or by being humiliated, which specifically can include spanking, whipping, being tied with ropes or chains, being locked up in cages, breast torture, blood play, vaginal torture, hot wax, asphyxiation, restraints, gags, and on it goes. Additionally, there are designated roles as a dominant or a submissive during these erotic rituals.

Are you as disturbed by this as I am?!

Humiliation and torture: These two words jump off the page at me; I imagine they do to you, too. If your daughter is conditioned to believe that dishonor and degradation, cruelty and brutality are acceptable components of an intimate exchange, she will not be able to stand strong as an empowered, vibrant, confident, healthy young woman. If this is how your daughters are learning they deserve to be treated--during sex or elsewhere--I assure you that our society will disintegrate from within and our foundation will crumble. Just ask someone who has been sexually abused to share her story and you will hear how sexual assault and injury have wreaked havoc on her self worth and self esteem. Once done, the damage can be lifelong.

Further, I fail to understand how this type of disrespectful, potentially abusive sexual interaction is being touted as typical, normal, and mainstream by the very nature of it being celebrated in this blockbuster film. I acknowledge that some might say that S&M in it’s true form is consensual. Yet as a licensed professional counselor of 20 years, I tend towards believing that there is often a traumatic backstory for those who engage in this type of behavior, thus leading me to assert that “consensual” is a relative term.

I ask myself: How can a movie like this possibly be a source of education about sex while normalizing this kind of behavior? Adding to that reality is the fact that marriage is rarely presented as a significant moral value in relation to sexual interactions anymore. Sadly, sometimes it feels like there’s no turning back when it comes to cultural norms around this issue, which deeply and profoundly breaks my heart, especially when in my counseling office I hear gut-wrenching stories of sexual exchanges gone wrong, resulting in detrimental impacts on women.

Then this week I read an article in People Magazine about Jamie Dorman regarding his experience of playing Christian Grey. I was shocked to learn that not only does he not endorse Christian’s approach to sex, but he doesn’t even think his wife would want to see the movie. He is clearly profiting from the ravenous sexual appetites of his viewers while simultaneously opposing that which he has invested in. The article continues by nonchalantly transitioning from content about his “experimenting with some rather complicated bedroom accessories” during filming to then talking about things “getting even more animated” at home with his wife and two young daughters, ages three and one, while watching their two favorite movies, Frozen and Trolls.

Did you catch that he’s a dad to two little girls? Jamie Dorman is a father to two young, vulnerable daughters, and he has chosen to endorse S&M by putting his name and reputation behind such activity. I have to wonder if his girls will ever watch these movies one day, and if so, is this how he wants them to learn about sex? Does he want his precious treasures to be treated in ways that he has modeled throughout some of the 118 minutes of this film?

Lest we mistakenly assume that this theme is tied only to these two present day movies, there are actually new sexual apps springing up everyday. And if you have a daughter between the ages of 13 and 29 (according to research), there is a strong likelihood that she has already been asked to send a nude selfie, making her incredibly vulnerable to exploitation and cyberbullying. In fact, this kind of exchange is now often considered a typical part of a relationship, and sexual hookups are increasingly considered par for the course.

I’ve not ever spoken out this strongly in a blog before, where I’m calling out someone I’ve never met on his lifestyle choices. But I am so disturbed by what this recent movie portrays that I cannot stay silent. Moreover, I appeal to you as a father: You have to address this issue, sex, with your daughter.

Please don’t assume that your daughter has clarity on this subject, particularly if you haven’t been a part of the conversation with her. Never conclude that she is immune from devastating, life-long impacts should she engage in sexual activity at an early age. Sexual exploration is a dangerous new norm, and she needs you to help protect her.

Dad, if you’re ready to tackle this subject with your daughter, here are some suggestions:

1. Tell her your wishes, hopes, dreams, and expectations for how she should be treated, sexually and otherwise. If you don’t tell her directly, she won’t know. She needs to hear your words in order to know your heart.

2. Let her know that you believe she is worthy of being treated with respect, with dignity and honor, while communicating your hope that she will never tolerate humiliation or torture in a romantic relationship. Again, if you don’t say it directly, she won’t know exactly what you’re thinking on this issue. If you affirm her worth and value, it will stick with her long after you’ve said the words.

3. In an age appropriate way, tell her a story of someone you’ve known (it could even be you) who didn’t navigate a relationship wisely and had to learn the hard way. Being honest with your daughter can go a long way towards letting her know you’ve not always been perfect, which could then set the foundation for future conversations should she need to come to you with a need at some point down the road.

4. Invite her to write out her “minimum dating requirements,” which are those absolute relationship deal breakers should she ever be asked, forced, or pressured to engage in activities that don’t sit right in the core of her being. Start the conversation early, even as young as fourth or fifth grade. For extra credit, help her write this out, followed with asking if she will let you hold her accountable to keep her standards high in each of these areas. Then check in with her a couple times a year.

5. Treat your daughter the way you want her to be treated…always. When she experiences being treated well by you, she will expect that same treatment from others, especially guys. Remember that more is caught than taught. Letting her experience honorable treatment from you is better than any lecture you could give her.

Dads, I know this is a tough subject to address, and yet honestly, we’ve just barely scratched the surface today. It’s time to turn the lights on so you can see the potentially treacherous sexual dynamics that swirl around your daughter and choose to courageously open up this conversation with her.

Truthfully, this is too important to ignore. Your daughter’s future depends on it.

The Day My Pastor Made Me Cry

With tears streaming down my face I hugged my pastor, giving him the biggest hug I'd ever given him after his Sunday morning sermon.

“Thank you for having the courage to stand up there and say it. Thank you for being a voice of truth today.” I could barely eek out the words, but my grateful heart fueled my meager words.

“You could have preached this message,” he said warmly.

“No,” I asserted, “it needed to come from you. You had to be the one to address this, not me.”

Pastor Randy told our congregation that day that he was going to be preaching on a subject that hadn't been the focus of an entire sermon in our church’s 50-plus-year history: sexual abuse and sexual assault.

He didn’t downplay the severity of impact of sexual violation.
He didn’t blame the victims of sexual crimes.
He didn’t give pat answers to the hard questions that are woven through this intense issue.

Sitting in the pew I had known what was coming because he had informed me a few days earlier. He knew I had a vested interest due to my counseling experience. But truth be told, the significance of this issue isn’t just because I’m a mental health specialist; this is much more personal.

Most often in my Dad-Daughter Friday blogs I seek to bring practical ideas to you as dads that I trust will enhance your relationship with your daughters. Yet today I’m going to be moving in a slightly different direction. I want to share some of my story with you.

There’s no easy way to say it, so I’ll just say it: I am a survivor of sexual abuse.

First, I want you to notice that I used the word ‘survivor’ rather than ‘victim.’ Actually, a more accurate way to say it is that I am a ‘thriver’ of sexual abuse. It’s important to me that you know I’ve not just survived sexual trauma, but I have been able to thrive because of it. Yes, you heard me right. I am who I am, where I am, and doing what I’m doing because of what I’ve been through, not in spite of it. I have much more empathy for others because now my deep trench of woundedness that used to dictate the way I live no longer exists, and for me it's been healing to accept truth that roots in my relationship with God.

Now you have a bit of the backstory to provide a context for why it meant so much to have my pastor stand in the pulpit and lend his voice of support, not only to me, but to a large portion of our congregation who shares a similar history. As I’ve perused the literature to find current statistics from national agencies on this topic, I’ve read that on average there are 288,820 victims (age 12 or older) of rape and sexual assault each year in the United States, which translates to 20 million women, or 18% of our population (not including guys who are also victimized). This means that at least 20 million fathers have daughters who have been molested.

I’ve also read that one out of every four girls and one out of every six boys is sexually abused before the age of 18. Sadly, many of my colleagues and I have found in clinical practice that these numbers appear to be low, especially when we factor in data from the U.S. Department of Justice which states that only 30% of sexual abuse victims report these crimes. Yet regardless of the exact numbers, I can say from personal experience that it’s heartbreaking to live with intense internal distress due to what someone else has done to cause harm and not have those atrocities addressed in church.

Whether or not you’re one who likes church, believes in God or a Higher Power, or reads the Bible, I hope you can appreciate what I’m saying about the powerful impact this had on me when my pastor choose to boldly say from the pulpit,
 

“When I look in 2 Samuel 13 at the rape by Amnon to his half-sister Tamar, one of the hardest parts of this story is the silencing of the victim.” (I agree).

“Not only that, but if the church is silent on this issue then people will believe that God is silent.” (I agree).

     “And this morning we're not going to silence Tamar!”

He went on to say that to stop sexual abuse, we must:

1. Hear the stories of victims in order to GIVE THEM THEIR VOICE BACK.
2. Believe their stories.
3. Look at the power structures that exist.
4. Resist passivity (he spoke primarily to dads here).
5. Protect passionately (again, he was speaking directly to fathers).

Did you notice that these last two items were addressed specifically to dads? Resist passivity and protect passionately. What do these directives mean exactly? Let me share my thoughts.

I’ll begin with a story told by my friend Kendra, one that she has given me permission to share. When she was four or five years old, her dad walked in and found an older boy sexually abusing her. He got angry and they never talked about it again. That left her confused about what his anger meant. Was he angry with her? Was this her fault? Despite her questions and confusion, what she knows now is that this early childhood experience shaped her future relationships with guys and led to confused sexual boundaries, not to say anything about what it did to her relationship with her dad.

Please hear me when I say that when a father chooses to never talk about a sexual violation that his daughter has experienced, it messes her up inside. Big time. I guarantee that she will believe that she did something to cause it and that it’s her fault. And she will not only know that what happened to her was bad; even worse, she’ll believe that she is bad.

Dad, resist taking a passive stance and choose to walk into this conversation, uncomfortable as it may be for you.

You want to ensure that your daughter doesn’t internalize the implied or directly stated destructive messages from the abuse or her abuser. If you never tell her the truth from your vantage point, she will be left to navigate this on her own, which rarely leads to a positive conclusion. Her faulty beliefs based in lies will negatively shape her self-esteem, self-confidence, and her identity for years to come.

Secondly, Dad, protect her passionately. This means taking the time to do whatever it takes to find out what’s really going on inside your daughter in this area of sex and sexuality:

• Look into her eyes and read what they are saying. You will see whether she is hurting or thriving by simply getting close enough to look at her.

• If she is a minor, don’t be afraid to check her phone. Even if she throws a fit, make sure to keep tabs on what is being said and what pictures are being exchanged.

• Don’t stop there. Check her computer from time to time. Look at her history to see what she’s watching and what she’s drawn to on the internet. Talk with her afterwards. Teach her how to think, not just what to think, as your input shapes her choices.

• Meet the guy she is spending time with or dating. Look into his eyes; they’ll tell you a lot about his motives and character. You want him to fear that if he violates your daughter, he’ll be held accountable by you. That’s why you want to meet him early in their friendship/relationship. Don’t believe her when she tells you that there’s nothing going on between them because usually there is if he’s hanging around a lot. Let him know that your daughter is your treasure and you expect him to treat her with honor.

• Spend time regularly talking with her about the little, seemingly unimportant things to set a foundation for when “the biggees” need to be addressed (dating, curfews, friends, boys, spending limits, car usage, house rules, scholastic objectives, future plans, life goals, spirituality, God, convictions, etc.).

• Find out what your daughter loves and create ways to connect with her by doing those things. One dad recently told me that his high school daughter loves coffee. He “speaks her language” by treating her to coffee, which provides a space for spontaneous conversation while they’re both sipping a cup of java.

Remember that “the best defense is a good offense.” Spend time pursuing your daughter’s heart by listening, looking in her eyes, and loving her in tangible ways (which most often involves money, whether it’s taking her out for coffee or a meal, to a movie or the mall).

One more thing: I can assure you that as a woman with a sexual abuse history, it was very hard for me to share my story with my dad. And he really struggled to hear it because he had to face the fact that he wasn’t able to protect me or stop it. I’m telling you this part of my story because it’s important for you to know. I’m guessing you’ll probably feel the same way should you hear something similar from your daughter.

I encourage you to find a time to navigate this topic with your girl and initiate the conversation where you ask if anything has ever happened to her in the area of being sexually violated. Let her know that if she ever has something to tell you in this arena, you are there for her, you won’t get angry with her (that’s key), you will believe her, and that you will support her through the healing process. Telling the story is the first step to healing.

And rest assured that if your daughter cries when opening up this subject, it reveals that she is connecting to her deepest, truest self while feeling real emotion. And by giving her your listening ear, wrapped in compassion, you are making a forever deposit into her heart space.

Remember…tears are good. And because they have salt in them, they really do enhance the healing process.

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