One Surprising Trait Your Daughter Should Look for in the Men She Dates (Guest blog by Kent Evans)

If you’re a dad with a young daughter at home, you may feel the tension as she matures and starts making more of her own decisions. In fact, there are some words that, at their very mention, sends a dad’s heart rate soaring.

One of those words? Dating.

On one hand, you’re praying for your little princess’s future husband. And you know that boy was you a decade or three ago. You’re not against her ever meeting a boy. Probably!

But, you realize that so many young men have, at best, mixed agendas. I repeat – that was you not so long ago. You know. So, how can she sift the wheat from the chaff? When she begins meeting young men, how will she know Mr. Right when she sees him?

As a starting point, you’ll surely tell her to look for a strong faith foundation. You’ll quote the verse about being unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14), and you’ll encourage her to find a guy who’s serious about his walk with the Lord. She may or may not follow your advice, but still, that goes without saying.

But then, what’s next? Perhaps, you’ll tell her to look for chivalric actions such as greeting her at the door, bringing her home on time, or paying for the dinner and the movie? Or to see if he can hold down a job?

You’ll trot out a long list of suitor prerequisites, I’m sure. You’ll mention faith, respect, and kindness. You’ll ask about his grades in school or whether he eats Cheetos and plays video games all the time. You may even insist he not be a fan of that one team. No way you could tolerate someone who cheers for them.

But there’s one key ingredient that is a canary in the coal mine. It’s an indicator, a dashboard light either glowing cheerful green or alarming red.

It tells you more about this young man’s character than his caloric intake, economic capacity or personal hygiene habits.

It’s like taking a hard look at a home’s foundation. If you spot a massive crack, buyer beware. But, conversely, if you see a solid footing, you know this home is built on solid ground.

What is this key ingredient?

What’s one trait – not the only one, mind you – but a key character trait that can tell you a lot about a guy?

Here it is: Can this young man apologize when he makes a mistake?

Now, I’m not saying all those other traits don’t matter. They do! Any GirlDad worth his salt will have a litany of things he’s looking for in the boy who gets to meet his precious daughter at the altar. Cheeto-dust under the fingernails is but one incriminating clue amidst a sea of observable aspects of a man’s character.

But, the ability to apologize? It speaks volumes.

Even for something as simple as being late to pick her up, or forgetting their one-month anniversary (is that a thing?), if a guy can apologize, it tells you a lot about his husband-readiness.

Why is this? There are at least five reasons.

1. If he apologizes of his own volition – not just because he was caught – it tells you that he can spot his own mistakes.
   What’s better than being able to receive correction? Being able to self-correct, that’s what. A man with self-control is like a strong city (Proverbs 25:28; 2 Timothy 1:7).

2. It suggests a soft heart.
   He wants to do right, and he knows he missed the mark. So, his heart eats at him until he says he’s sorry. David asked God to search his heart, and the young man who wins your daughter’s should do the same (Psalm 139:23–24; 1 Corinthians 11:31).

3. While we want our girl’s man to have a soft heart, we don’t want him to be weak. The man who can apologize is not fragile. He’s not an ego-guarder. It takes a real man to boast in his weakness and confess a transgression (Proverbs 28:13; 2 Corinthians 12:9).

4. He wants to get better.
   He has, as author Carol Dweck would put it, a growth mindset. He’s on the path toward improvement, and he knows that apologizing and learning from his mistakes is part and parcel to that. He hasn’t arrived yet and wants to be wiser still (Proverbs 9:9; Philippians 3:12).

5. He honors your daughter.
   Your future son-in-law will not be perfect, but he’d better be able to honor your girl. When a guy can apologize, it’s the verbal equivalent of throwing his coat over the puddle. He’s considering her above himself. (Romans 12:10; Philippians 2:3).

Dad, hold the bar high for your daughter’s would-be future mate. Don’t budge an inch on evaluating his character and clearly stating your expectations. Your standards will likely involve topics around faith, responsibility, and finances, to name just a few.

But, keep your eye on what happens when he makes a mistake. Even small ones.

Does your daughter’s future man need to be perfect? Clearly not. You’ve been in his shoes, and you’d have never been able to meet a perfect standard.

However, amidst his many capacities and abilities, can this young man apologize? Can he see his sin, take responsibility, and then, in an act of humility, apologize and seek forgiveness and reconciliation?

If he can, he just might be a keeper. 

The Dating Advice I Mistakenly Got from a Chatbot Disguised as a Rabbi

I literally cannot believe I just fell for this scam…but I did!

I watched a video by someone I thought was a well-respected Jewish Rabbi, only to later discover that “he” is actually an AI-generated persona.

I suppose I should have known better. But rather than delete his message, I figure it’s worth passing along to you because of the wisdom that’s packed into it.

Here’s what “Rabbi Stirberg“ had to say:

“Jewish fathers tell their daughters one thing at age 13 that changes everything. Most fathers never have this conversation at all. We sit our girls down before they start dating and tell them something that sounds harsh.

You are not the prize to be won. You are the judge deciding if he deserves to be chosen.

Most girls grow up thinking the goal is to be pretty enough that a boy wants them. We teach the opposite. The goal is not to be picked. The goal is to pick someone worth your time.

Then we teach them one question to ask about every boy they meet. Does he add value to my life or does he just make me feel good? Because feeling good lasts three months. Value lasts a lifetime.

A boy who adds value does three things:

      1. He makes you sharper, not softer.
      2. He challenges you to grow, not stay comfortable.
      3. He has a plan for his future, not just feelings about his present.

Most fathers raise daughters who ask, ‘Am I good enough for him?’ We raise daughters who ask, ‘Is he good enough for me?’

By the time your daughters choose partners, they're choosing whoever makes them feel wanted. By the time ours choose, they're choosing whoever makes them better. This isn't about being cold.

This is about understanding that who you choose determines the trajectory of your entire life. The wrong partner costs you decades. The right partner multiplies everything you are.

The Talmud teaches that a woman builds her house or tears it down with her own hands. The most important decision she makes is who she lets inside.

Teach your daughters they are the ones doing the choosing, not the ones hoping to be chosen.”

So what do you think?

To me, it seems like sound advice for a dad to teach his daughter.

More specifically, I appreciate the focus here on fathers challenging their daughters to use MORE WISDOM AND SCRUTINY when it comes to choosing a life partner. I think too often the romance paradigm glamorizes the hard work it takes to be in a healthy and vibrant relationship. Additionally, that one decision has EVERYTHING to do with EVERYTHING in her life (even if she chooses not to marry).

I also appreciate that the directive for women to be MORE CHOOSY when it comes to the men she dates…and the one she ultimately marries. This needs to be communicated from dads to their daughters of all ages. It’s vitally important for dads to encourage their daughters to ask themselves if he truly adds value to her life and makes her better.

Dad, I encourage you to open up this conversation with your daughter. You can start by reading her this blog.

And if you want to interact with her on the topics of dating and marriage but don’t know where to start, here’s the link to my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters where I have scripts for you to lead the dialogue. Go Dads!

My Three Insider Venusian Trade Secrets for #GirlDads

For some of you younger dads, today’s title is a reference point from the last century!

By “Venusian,” I’m referring to Dr. John Gray’s concept in his book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. I consider myself bilingual after 13 years of traveling from my planet of Venus to your planet of Mars, and today I’m here to help you decode your daughter with a bit more precision.

Here are my three “Venusian trade secrets” so you can better understand your daughter:

1. When she opens her mouth, her heart opens.
We women don’t even have to think about it; it just happens. But it doesn’t stop there. When a daughter’s heart opens, her dad’s heart automatically opens. You, dads, don’t even have to think about it; it just happens.

This full-circle, interactive dynamic means that if you capitalize on engaging your daughter in conversations, not only will she open up to you more, but your bond will be stronger.

2. She figures things out by talking.
The key word in this sentence is ‘out.’ Because we as women have so much swirling around in our brains 24/7, sometimes it feels like we’re on a hamster wheel in our heads where we’re running fast but not getting anywhere (a.k.a. this is called looping). When we talk things out and get them out by verbalizing what’s going on inside, it helps “open the cage” so we get off the wheel.

When you’re a safe sounding board, allowing your daughter to process verbally and emotionally without rushing her or requiring that she make sense to you, you give her a gift in holding her intensity without trying to problem solve. By providing her this outlet, she will de-escalate, begin to calm down, and feel better.

3. She wants a closer relationship with you.
In my 44 years of mentoring women and 27 years of clinical counseling, no girl or woman has ever said to me, “Dr. Michelle, I’m way too bonded to my dad and we’re just too close.” Instead, as their tears flow, I’ve often heard stories of heartbreak over feeling distant from or hurt by their dads.

This tells me that women want a better relationship with their fathers. And it’s up to you, Dad, to lead the way in letting her know you want that too.

This also tells me there’s a dire need for fathers to have a clear road map for journeying to the epicenter of their daughters’ hearts, coupled with learning how to engage them and lead conversations so their daughters can find and use their voices.

If you want to take action today to be a proactive dad who helps your daughter thrive, here are two places to start:

Action Steps:
1. Ask your daughter what you can do to be a better dad to her.
Text, call, or ask her in person. Do it today. Let her know she can say anything and you’ll do your best to meet her at the point of her need.

2. Buy a copy of Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters and use it for your monthly dad-daughter date where she chooses the topic and you ask the questions.
I wrote this book based on feedback from dads like you who asked for scripts to help them succeed in interacting with their girls. This book will become your playbook as you lead conversations with intention and purpose.

Whether you’re in a solid place with your daughter or want to be closer, you’ll find it helpful in strategically pursuing her heart.

Go Dads!

20 Do's and Don'ts for Dads to Succeed In Having "The Sex Talk" with Their Daughter [Part 2]

Welcome back to the second half of this blog series on a topic that is important to address yet can easily scare some dads away. You’re here because you’re open to figuring out the best way to have ‘the sex talk’ with your daughter.

And if you’re tuning in for this second installment, I applaud you and affirm that you’re already rare among men for courageously being willing to speak into your daughter’s life. Whoo hoo!

Let me briefly review part one:

• If you don’t talk about sex with your daughter then every other voice but yours will have impact and influence.

• You don’t have to have the perfect conversation…but you do need to have some conversation with her about sex.

• Girls/women delay engaging in sexual activity as a result of feeling connected to their dads, which underscores why this vital conversation will bond the two of you. 

These were the first ten skills I presented from my list of 20 Do’s and Don’ts that will lead to a higher likelihood of success in talking with your daughter about sex:

1. Don’t talk more than you listen. 

2. Do take a breath, say a prayer, and muster your courage. 

3. Don’t assume you’ll agree on everything.

4. Do choose to talk about it, whether or not it’s awkward.

5. Don’t defer and presume that someone else will cover this topic.

6. Do come with a goal to open this conversation, not win it. 

7. Don’t stop midway through…no matter how hard it is and how she responds. 

8. Do practice what you preach.

9. Don’t preach what you don’t practice. 

10. Do lead with vulnerability.

Now here are the next ten skills I recommend that will lead you in successfully discussing sex with your daughter:

11. Don’t smash the Oreo. Oreos serve as a metaphor of a powerful way to communicate. Just like they have two cookies holding the “stuff” in the middle, Oreo Cookie Communication begins and ends with positives while filling the middle of the conversation with the harder “stuff.” When you share why you love her and are proud of her, it surrounds the harder part of the interaction, making the whole thing easier to swallow.

12. Do ask questions that invite her to think through her sexual choices and boundaries. We as women figure things out by talking. So the more we hear ourselves speak out the things we hold inside our minds and hearts (that oftentimes we don’t know we’re holding), the clearer we are. As you ask strategic questions, you give your daughter a gift in providing a way for her to clarify her position on this subject.

13. Don’t force her to embrace your beliefs. She will continue to form her own opinions on sex with or without you. If you share your concerns and hopes for her, coupled with respect for her thoughts, opinions, and beliefs, she will be more open to hear the things you share.

14. Do let her see your softer emotions. It’s easy to have the emotion of anger take center stage while “softer” emotions, like fear or sadness, are then forced to step back or hide. Innumerable daughters have told me they hate disappointing their dads, which leads me to say that when you’re vulnerable and let your daughter hear you speak from your heart, you’ll bond more and see greater relational gains. As you share what you’re afraid of for her or what brings up sadness in you, she’ll most likely connect with those same emotions in herself. 

15. Don’t react negatively when she opens up with you. This may be a hard one as you think about experiencing a strong reaction to what she tells you. If you immediately react with negativity by what you say, ask or emote, it will shut her down. This is why you must choose to stay steady throughout the conversation. Lean into God as a Father who holds you up, and ask Him for the grace to express all the fruits of the Spirit as you listen---love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.

16. Do wait until she’s ready to hear about your beliefs and convictions. We live in a cancel culture that dismisses and vehemently opposes those who disagree or believe differently than ourselves. What a tragedy to have lost our ability to honor differences. As you and your daughter discuss sex, ask her if or when she is open to hearing your beliefs. If you’re someone who adheres to biblical values on sex (which means waiting until you’re married to have sex), you can be honest without criticizing her choices or beliefs. Let this be a time to activate kindness culture in your family, starting with the two of you. In doing so, you’re modeling that there are men who live by their values.

17. Don’t skip this conversation if she’s already sexually active. You might be thinking that if she’s already had sex, there’s no point in opening up this “can of worms.” Instead, here’s what I want you to consider: By talking this out with you, she may change her stance going forward as she processes her past experiences and then gains more insight that she can apply to future relationships. And who better to lead her than you?

18. Do treat her with the respect she deserves. If your daughter has already had sex, there’s a high likelihood that her sexual experiences haven’t all been positive. She may feel used after a one night stand or like she’s just one in a long line-up of women who believed his promises but now are cast aside. This is why you want to model being the guy who is steady as you truly love and care about her heart…no strings attached.

19. Don’t think of this as a one-and-done conversation. Because your daughter is always maturing and growing and changing, so will her beliefs and choices, thoughts and convictions…on everything, including sex. I encourage you to make this an annual topic of conversation. Lead by initiating dialogue in an ongoing way throughout her lifespan. Let her know you value hearing her thoughts…and about her process in formulating those thoughts.

20. Do end by telling her three things you admire and appreciate about her. It’s always a profound point of connection when someone gives praise and encouragement. Let’s face it: We all love hearing positive words of affirmation that fill our love buckets and breathe life into our weary souls. And when those words of life come from our dad, they’re saved in a deep heart place that can be drawn from long after they’re spoken. 

There you have it, Dad: Twenty specific areas of focus to set your relational GPS in talking with your daughter about sex. 

If you’re ready to take action in having ‘the sex talk,’ I’ve got just what you need. Here’s the script to lead you as you initiate this delicate yet critical conversation with your daughter. Let’s do this…together!

20 Do’s and Don’ts for Dads to Succeed in Having ‘The Sex Talk’ with Their Daughters [Part 1]

If you’re still reading, it means the title of this blog hasn’t scared you away. Well done!

And because this is a weighty subject, I’m breaking things up into two parts. You’ll get half the list today and half next time [in two weeks]---plus your dad-daughter date questions---to guide you in opening a conversation with her about sex.

That said, here we go!

If you’re like a lot of dads I’ve walked alongside on their fathering journey, you may be tapping into fear and dread as you think about having “the sex talk” with your daughter. Maybe you’re avoiding the subject altogether or choosing to sidestep a potentially unpleasant reaction.

But if you don’t talk about sex with your daughter, then every other voice but yours will have impact and influence. You have to weigh in. 

And you don’t have to have the perfect conversation…but you do need to have some conversation [which is why I have a template for you to follow attached at the bottom of this email].

I acknowledge that many women say it’s their decision whether to have sex before marriage because it’s their body and their choice. They further assert that what they do behind closed doors needs to remain private, especially from their dad.

That said, with research confirming that girls delay engaging in sexual activity as a result of feeling connected to their dads, it’s imperative that you open up this conversation with your daughter because your opinion matters, even if she’s not fully aware that it does. Let her know you’re willing to dive into the deep end, even if it’s challenging.

Here are my suggestions---a.k.a. 20 Do’s and Don’ts that will lead to a higher likelihood of success in talking with your daughter about sex:

1. Don’t talk more than you listen. Set your goal here at the start to listen at least twice as much as you talk---a.k.a. two ears, one mouth. The best way to do that is to ask great questions that allow her to express herself. I highly recommend that you use the template I’m providing here [see below] to help you phrase your questions in ways that allow her to reveal more of what she’s carrying inside (as opposed to hearing a lecture from you).

2. Do take a breath, say a prayer, and muster your courage. I’m guessing you did these three things before every game you played in sports. Think back to how many times you felt overwhelmed, yet you stepped forward despite your fears. Use that same mindset here by first grounding yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, then step forward despite your fear. That, my friend, is the definition of courage. 

3. Don’t assume you’ll agree on everything. This is a complex and complicated topic, which requires that you lead by example so the atmosphere is open, honoring, and non-hostile as each of you interact.

4. Do choose to talk about it, whether or not it’s awkward. It’s okay if this is an uncomfortable topic and both of you squirm. The important thing is that your daughter will hear your heart and you will hear hers.

5. Don’t defer and presume that someone else will cover this topic. Too often dads tell me they hope someone else will address sex with their daughters because it seems like they’re all more qualified. Not true (as noted in the research above). Make a choice today not to defer to her mom or some other mentor in her life. You’re her dad. This one is on you.

6. Do come with a goal to open this conversation, not win it. Like my friend Steve Pringle always asks himself in relating to his daughter: Is my goal to win the argument or win her heart? He always chooses the latter. This helps him calibrate his expectations while making sure he’s communicated those goals to his mouth! 

7. Don’t stop midway through…no matter how hard it is and how she responds. If things get heated or feel strange, talk about something else for a few minutes. Sometimes it helps to change your environment by going for a walk and talking shoulder-to shoulder rather than face to face. Go for a walk and talk shoulder-to shoulder rather than face to face. Then pick up the conversation where you left off as you move forward.

8. Do practice what you preach. Think of this as an opportunity to show your daughter what a good man looks like in action by the way you interact with her. It’s easy to say you want her to be with a guy who listens to her and honors her. There’s no better way to teach your daughter how to use her voice with the opposite sex than to practice with you. Even more, if she can speak confidently with you about a hard subject like this, she’ll carry that confidence into the world.

9. Don’t preach what you don’t practice. This might be hard to hear, but I have a question for you: What age were you when you first had sex? Were you a guy who waited or were you a player? If you want your daughter to wait to have sex until she gets married, you may want to give her some context for what you’re advising. Tell her what you learned the hard way (in an age appropriate way, of course) or what you wish you would have known then that you know now.

10. Do lead with vulnerability. This goes hand in hand with the last one. So often dads expect things of their daughters (and the guys they date) that have a historical base in their own story. Perhaps you’re recalling poor choices you’ve made or regrets you have. And yes, you are speaking with wisdom now, but without more context, your daughter may say you’re out of touch with her current reality. Tell more of your backstory. (You can use specific templates on this topic in my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters in the section titled, Lead Her to Listen).

There you have it, Dad: Ten of your twenty specific areas of focus to set your relational GPS in talking with your daughter about sex. 

In the next two weeks---between part one and part two of this blog series---I encourage you to begin practicing these ten skills here. They will set the foundation for your upcoming conversation with your daughter that lets her know she is safe to open up to you. 

Go Dads!

Click here for the template to guide you through this conversation with your daughter.