An Open Letter to Daughters Everywhere (Guest Blog by Don Blackwell)

Don is a long-time friend of mine and I’m honored he’s joining us today as he puts into writing what I believe all of you GirlDads want to say to your daughters.
~ Michelle

Dads are notoriously poor communicators when it comes to feelings, especially with their daughters.

Too often, our silence, awkwardness, or inability to find right words is interpreted as disinterest, insensitivity, or a lack of empathy.

Truth is many fathers silently long for a closer relationship with their daughters, even when they aren't sure how to build one.

So, if my fellow dads will permit, I'd like to share an open letter to daughters everywhere who may still be wondering about us. [And Dad, if my message expresses your heart, feel free to share it with your daughter from you].

To Our Daughters –

It seems like only yesterday that we held you in our arms for the first time.

It was love at first sight.

From that moment on, you’ve held a very special place in our hearts – a place reserved only for you.

When you were little, it was “easy” to let you know that. We could hold you tight, comfort you when you were sad, tell you bedtime stories and tuck you in – and we did. You probably don’t remember those moments, but we do.

But, as you grew older, things got more complicated for us where you were concerned.

You were becoming young women, perhaps before both of us were ready – and we weren’t sure how to respond, how we fit in to your emerging womanhood.

We wondered if it was still “okay” to hold you as tightly as we once did (or hold you at all), to kiss you, to tuck you into bed – to dry your tears and comfort you.

We looked for other ways to stay connected with you, ways to stay engaged in your life, to discern the role you wanted us to play as you entered your teenage years, but we struggled with that – a lot.

We assumed, without asking, that your mom was the person you wanted for all those "girl things" and that you'd let us know if and when you needed us.

Between your mom and your friends, it seemed like you were doing “just fine” and growing more independent with each passing day.

Part of us was content to watch you grow, but we missed you – we missed “us”.

We realize now, however, that we may have missed the most important thing of all – the realization that you were missing us too and maybe even misconstruing our distance and seeming “absence” as indifference.

If only we had known then what we know now.

If only, rather than guess at what each other was thinking or hoping one of us “would get it” from the unspoken “bread crumbs” we were leaving in each other’s lives, we had simply talked, allowed ourselves to be more vulnerable with one another.

Maybe we could both be a little better about that going forward?

In the meantime, lest there be any doubt in your mind, know this . . .

• there has never been a day since you were born when we haven’t loved you,

• a moment that has passed when we haven’t thought of you, or

• a time that we wanted anything but what was best for you –

• today is no exception, nor will tomorrow be.

Because, while we may not always be great at showing, let alone expressing it, we love you and we value you beyond measure.

Your Dad

Don Blackwell is a trial attorney is Miami and the dad of two now adult children. He is also a tireless mental health advocate within and outside the legal profession. Don is the author of “Dear Ashley ...” - A Father's Reflections and Letters to His Daughter on Life, Love and Hope (2013), and, more recently, of Retune Your Heart – Finding the ‘”Extra” in the Ordinariness of Everyday Life, The Playbook of Your Childhood Heart (2025), and hashtag#todolistfridays - Small Weekly Steps to Building a Big-Hearted Life (2026). 

Out of Love for My Father

With Father’s Day being this past Sunday, I’m still in celebration mode for you dads! I love that we have this day every year to focus on telling you how grateful we are for you. 

This leads me to share a funny story from this past week since it celebrates my dad in a unique way. 

I was going through some old files and came across a flimsy piece of notebook paper that’s now worn, tattered and faded. And on it I immediately recognized my handwriting from back when I was about 12 or 13 years old. But this, in and of itself, isn’t the reason I’m sharing this story with you. 

This piece of paper is significant because it’s actually a poem I wrote as a young girl about my dad. And I have literally remembered the first stanza all these years! I can’t believe this sacred piece of memorabilia somehow miraculously emerged from the archives.

I can still picture where I was standing when I wrote these words.

I was positioned next to the ironing board in our basement as the steam from the iron was shooting up onto my face, adding to my irritation at the job I was tasked to do. I was sweating bullets on that hot summer day and was not happy about any of it. It was then that this hilarious expose emerged from within me. 

Somehow it helped to decrease my misery by putting my feelings and thoughts to paper!

That said, I share this with you today as a reminder, dads, that we as your daughters may not always enjoy following your directives or investing in the tasks required to keep our households running, but in the end we do what we do out of love for you. So I’m sharing my poem with you to encourage you in your fathering role and to remind you how much you’re loved, even when we don’t always respond in the best of ways and push back or complain.

The title of my poem is: Out of Love for My Father.

It’s dumb to iron hankies,
especially on hot days.
Then you stick it in your pocket
and it’s wrinkled anyways!
…even though it is a bother, I do it out of love for my father!

I don’t like to fold your t-shirts
‘cause I always do it wrong.
I fold them every which way
and I stretch them tall and long!
…even though it is a bother, I do it out of love for my father!

I hate to practice my piano
on each school day,
but I know that it’s my duty
to keep quiet and obey!
…even though it is a bother, I do it out of love for my father!

Sometimes I feel it’s unfair
the age you say that I’m to date,
but in your mind it’s very clear,
in mine, it’s a debate!
…even though it is a bother, I do it out of love for my father!

I get tired when running errands
to the store or to the mart,
but I need this to develop
what we call a “servant’s heart.”
…even though it is a bother, I do it out of love for my father!

So there it is: the simple thoughts of an adolescent daughter who had a bad attitude on a random summer day, yet in the end, she loved her dad. 

Thanks for walking with me down memory lane today! I trust my poem brought a smile to your face.

Finding Hope When You Just Want Father’s Day to Be Over

If this blog title intrigues you, it may be because Father’s Day is one of the hardest days of the year for you. According to research that was commissioned by the National Center for Fathering in cooperation with Gallup polling, the majority of Americans are right there with you. In fact, over half of them agreed with this statement:

“Most adults have unresolved issues with their fathers."

I want to be a catalyst in facilitating healing for those with unresolved father issues so we can be healthier people regardless of the hand we were dealt.

As I’ve pondered what some of your histories could be that make today extra hard, here are some examples that come to mind. Maybe your story has played out in some way like this:

• Your father wasn’t in the picture much—or at all—and like the approximately 18.3 million fatherless kids in America, this day reminds you of what you didn’t (or still don’t) have.

• Your dad preferred one of your siblings over you, and the result of that favoritism is that you’ve lacked confidence your whole life, never believing you measure up no matter how hard you try.

• Your parents divorced and you felt caught in the middle, feeling the pull to ally with your mom because you believed she needed you more… but now you realize what you didn’t get and you’re angry that you lost time with your dad that you’ll never get back.

• Your dad remarried after the divorce and chose his new family over you, leaving a hole in your heart that has never really healed no matter how much therapy you’ve done.

• Your father was there but not there. He provided for you and came home after work but didn’t really tune into you or communicate that you had value to him.

• Your dad has had his own unhealed issues with his father, and though he did the best he could, you keep coming back to the fact that there have been significant deficits in your relationship as a result of his lack of pursuing a closer relationship with you.

• You’re a dad yourself and when your kids were born you purposed to be the dad you never had, but your personal choices—i.e. an addiction, affair, career, hobbies, or even ministry—came before them and now you’re reaping the painful consequences of those decisions.

• You know God is a loving and good Father, but struggle to really believe it because your earthly father didn’t model those qualities to you.

• Your dad has died and you loved him more than your words can convey, and as you see everyone else celebrating their fathers today, your heart aches because you didn’t have enough time with yours.

As discouraging as these examples may be, I share them to validate the wounds that many of you are carrying, wounds that are often unseen and unacknowledged, wounds that are extra tender on this holiday.

Yet let’s not stay there.

Let’s be people who pursue healing and wholeness so we don’t pass the unhealed pain of our past on to the next generation.

As a way to counter heaviness you may be feeling today, I want to share a powerful truth I’ve learned about HOPE.

A couple of years ago I was preparing to speak at a national conference on hope-filled fathering and I was reading studies on the impact of hope in motivating us to action. I was also conducting my own qualitative research on how dads gain or lose hope based on their current relationships with their daughters. 

One night I got a download for a way to understand HOPE in a fresh way. Here’s the acrostic that made the concept of HOPE come alive for me:

H—Heavenward

O—Orientation

P—Powers

E—Everything

What this means to me is that even when there’s been relational pain (directed horizontally from human to human), we can find hope by looking through a different lens, a heavenward one (a vertically-directed position). This orientation to connect with our Heavenly Father is the pathway for healing even if our earthly relationships with our dads are still broken.

If Father's Day is really hard for you, rest assured that you’re not alone and there are others who are struggling in similar ways. You can take comfort in knowing that another Father is watching over you, a Dad who has written your name on the palm of His hand (Isaiah 49:16). 

I want to leave you with one of my favorite verses. I pray this fills you with HOPE today so that no matter where you’re at on this Father’s Day, you’ll be uplifted and encouraged:

May the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him (this is the key to a heavenward orientation) so you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit. 
(Romans 15:13)

[You may have read a blog I wrote titled, “How to Survive Father’s Day When You Hate the Day,” but if not, I encourage you to read it here. In it I share a four-step process called HEAL to begin working through your father wounds towards healing and breakthrough. Be encouraged that it’s possible to move to forgiveness, then release and freedom. 

And if you need extra support, I offer online coaching and would be happy to walk alongside you on your healing journey.]

Closing the Dream Gap

Over the past few years a new term has emerged called the ‘Dream Gap.’ You may have already heard of it, but for me this is something I just learned about recently. And because it’s rocking my world, I wanted to bring it to your attention, Dads.

Let’s start with the historical context:

In 2017 researchers from NYU, Princeton, and the University of Illinois collaborated to present findings from their ground-breaking research, revealing that by the age of five, girls quit dreaming and stop believing they can be anything they want to be or do anything they set their minds to. By contrast, boys in this age range are not experiencing the same things.

They also reported that by the age of six, girls stop associating brilliance with their gender and start avoiding activities that require what they perceive to be high levels of intelligence. Further, the more heart-breaking reality is that when these gender stereotypes regarding a lack of intellectual ability in females take root early, they are believed to have life-long negative impacts on their interests, choices, and career paths.

In other words, when girls decline involvement in activities they believe are reserved only for those who are “really, really smart,” they tend to make choices not to engage in activities where they might have otherwise flourished had they tried. And these restrictive beliefs block young girls and women from pursuing their aspirations, which researchers believe correlates to women being underrepresented in fields that value genius, such as philosophy or physics.

One Mom’s Story:

In her blog, “Life with my Littles,” Chelsea Johnson shares her personal story around this theme: 

“I first heard about the Dream Gap back in May at Barbie headquarters, and it hit me hard. My daughter just turned four, and right now, she is such a bright, shining light in our family. She loves imagining who she can become and her dream is to become a worker (a construction worker) and a veterinarian (we’re lucky Barbie makes a vet doll and a builder doll!). One day she wants to build her own veterinary clinic. To her, anything is possible, and I want her to always believe that she can be or do anything she wants.

When I heard about the Dream Gap and what research has shown, I was terrified for her. I have friends with daughters between five and seven, and they’ve casually said things to me that have shown me that this gap is real in their daughter’s lives. I don’t want my daughter, or any other girl, to doubt her potential or to think that just because she’s a girl she can’t become who she wants to. Even if you don’t have a daughter, I’m sure you can relate to this feeling.”

Yes, I can relate to this feeling because this is my story:

Sometimes people assume that I’m intelligent simply because I have letters after my name. Yet regardless of what people tell me, here is my standard response every single time someone makes a comment about my academic accomplishments: “I’m not that smart…I just work hard.”

Until reading this research, I hadn’t considered that I’m actually perfectly positioned inside this stereotypical norm group, mostly because of my own self-deprecating beliefs. Even more, I assumed that I would be convinced I was smart enough after graduating with my doctorate, which included doing my own research, then writing and defending my dissertation.

But unfortunately, I wouldn’t say that there has been a positive shift in this area in the last decade. So here I am as an educated woman who still doesn’t fully believe that I have enough intellect to be considered truly intelligent.

The crazy thing is that I don’t even know what enough would look like if I had it. I just know that I don’t believe I have as much as I possibly could have.

Did you notice how many times I used the word enough? I assure you that I don’t believe I’m dumb. In fact, I know I have smarts. It’s more that I don’t think I’m smart enough.

You’re probably a step ahead of me and can see that this statement elicits a follow-up question: Smart enough for what or smart enough in comparison to whom? Do you see how relative all of this is and how nebulous these concepts are? What does ‘enough’ even mean in practical terms?

I have an answer.

I was never as smart as Stephanie Weirson, a girl who was in my class from grade school through high school. And it seemed that every time we had a test, she finished long before I was even to the half way point. Solidifying her elevated position in my mind, she was always at the top of the leader board when our grades came out. So Ms. Weirson became my internalized standard against which I measured myself and she was always ahead of me because somehow I linked speed of responses to IQ. Yet now that I say it out loud, I realize how absurd that is!

I have honestly never said any of this out loud quite like this…until now. So here I am admitting that somewhere along the way I adopted a skewed “grid for smartness” and it has gone unchallenged and uncontested…until now.

I’m reluctant to admit this, but the reality is that I self-deprecate as much as the next woman even though, on the outside, no one would guess that I do.

As a result, I’ve been believing a lie that hasn’t been broken because it’s never been spoken.

Defining the ‘Dream Gap’ in more detail:

In response to the study I mentioned at the start of this blog, Mattel launched a global campaign just three months ago called the ‘Dream Gap Project.’ Their goal is to close the gap that stands between girls and their full potential through raising awareness of gender biases and stereotypes that are placed on them at a young age, reinforced primarily by the media and from subtle messages by adults. Thus, they are encouraging girls to counter their self-limiting beliefs by dreaming for more while reaching for the stars.

On their website, Mattel boldly states their motivation behind this initiative:

“The Dream Gap is a crisis not only because it robs girls of the ability to value themselves in an essential context. Dreaming is the key to a future in which more than 80 percent of jobs are STEM-related [Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math], and so we are all robbed. Simply put, dreaming, if we define that term as imagining new possibilities, exploring new worlds and thinking new thoughts, is what makes innovation and new breakthroughs possible.”

In this short video, a group of adorable young girls collectively use their voices to define the ‘Dream Gap’ in this way:

“Starting at age five, girls stop believing they can be presidents, scientists, astronauts, big thinkers, engineers, CEOs, and the list goes on. Why? Because what else are we going to believe when we are three times less likely to be given a science-related toy…and when our parents are twice as likely to Google ‘Is my son gifted?’ than ‘Is my daughter gifted?’ That’s not cool.”

Keeping true to their word to increase purposeful dreaming in girls through imaginative play, Mattel created Luciana Vega for their 2018 Girl of the Year doll, whom they describe as “a creative, confident 11-year old girl and aspiring astronaut who dreams of being the first person to go to Mars!”

I am excited that empowered role models are being shown to young girls that invite them to think outside of a stereotypical box as they hold dolls that embody intelligence and strength. This sentiment is reinforced by the little girls in the above-mentioned video as they say:

“We need to see brilliant women being brilliant. And see how they got to where they there. To imagine ourselves doing what they do. But we can’t do it alone. Mom, dads, brothers, bosses, we need all of you to help. We need to close the dream gap. It’s up to all of us.”

How a dad can help close the ‘Dream Gap’:

You may feel like there’s very little you can do to override the powerful undertow of our cultural tide that comes against your daughter with negative messages that attack the very qualities that you seek to see displayed in her. You may believe your efforts are futile to successfully celebrate your daughter’s creativity, brilliance, optimism, vision, and passion when she isn’t always met with the same enthusiasm and support outside of your home.

As a dad you have the privilege of standing in the gap for your daughter so she can hear your affirming voice above the rest. You get to speak life into her spirit and applaud her uniqueness by supporting her dreams and goals (even if they’re different than the dreams and goals you have for her.)

This is where we as girls and women need YOU, our dads, to:

1. Challenge us to face our fears

2. Let us know that it’s okay to be afraid through this process of honing our vision

3. Remind us that in your eyes we’re a winner when we give our best, even if we don’t win first prize

4. Believe that we’re enough when we don’t believe that we are

5. Run alongside us while we’re learning to dream beyond our natural limitations

6. Coach us with wisdom about the fact that character is proven when we get back up after we fall

7. Cheer us on with your unwavering support as you speak life-breathing words into us

8. Repeat the truth that success is in the journey, not just in the outcome

9. Tell us that you’re proud of us and love us no matter what

And, Dad, if you want one more idea to help your daughter close the dream gap, I encourage you to invite her to write a list of TEN OUTRAGEOUS THINGS SHE WISHES SHE HAD THE NERVE TO DO. Then have her date and sign it.

A decade ago I wrote out my list of ten outrageous things and one of them was “to write a book.” It seemed like a crazy impossibility at the time, but then in 2014 my first book was released. So I speak from personal experience when I say: Dream it and do it!

For extra dad points, you can create your own list, modeling to your daughter that you’re never too old to set new goals and think forward in expanding normal limits. This list can also serve as a prayer guide as you agree with God to support your daughter to live beyond her natural limits as she is released into his supernatural calling on her life!

Dad, you can help to close the dream gap today by standing in the gap with your daughter.

Dad, Your Presence IS the Present

Hi Dad…

With the Christmas season in full throttle, I’m guessing you’re like me in running a bit too much, spending a bit too much, eating a bit too much, and finding it challenging to keep up with all the “too muchness” that tends to accompany this season. Yet even with our intended desire to focus on Jesus being the “reason for the season” and enjoying all the merriment, we can still feel overwhelmed with all the demands and needs.

As a dad, you probably have even more expectations of yourself in this season----like you need to keep everyone happy and meet all the needs and cover all the bases. Yet the reality is this is more than anyone can possibly be.

So here’s my way of countering all of the unrealistic expectations you might be putting on yourself by making today’s blog short and straight forward.

Here’s my best suggestion for you as a dad this month: Stay present.

Yes, your presence is the best present you can give your daughter this Christmas season.

To make sure this doesn’t sound like a quick fix or pat answer, here’s what this means in real time:

1. Slow down. Make a decision to stop what you’re doing to notice what’s happening with your daughter when she’s with you. Your ability to stay calm and grounded (even if she’s not) is a gift beyond any tangible present you could give her. This is your gift to her!

2. Eye contact. By looking at your daughter in her eyes as she communicates with you, you’re giving her the message that she’s more important than words can say. This is your gift to her!

3. Listen intentionally. You’ve heard me say this before yet it bears repeating: When you listen twice as much as you talk (The “Two Ears: One Mouth” Principle), your daughter will internalize your validation of her and believe she’s worthy of your time and attention. This is your gift to her!

4. Ask questions. As you ask your daughter how you can help her or what she needs from you, you’re attending to her heart in that very minute. She will feel your love and care. This is your gift to her!

5. Hug often. Safe physical touch is often just what she needs when she’s overwhelmed. So when you reach out to your daughter to wipe her tears, hold her hand, and hug her, she will walk away knowing she’s not alone and you’re in her corner. This is your gift to her!

All this to say, never underestimate the profound power that your presence has when you show up in real time for your daughter.

Remember, YOU are the gift that keeps on giving as you give YOUR presence as THE present this year.

Fathering Through My Own Wounds: Lessons I’ve Learned as a GirlDad (Guest Blog by Tony Miltenberger)

Being a dad is full of surprises, but being a GirlDad has taught me lessons I never expected.

With Shiloh, my youngest who is now 13, every day feels alive with energy, questions, and challenges. I want to guide her, make things easier, and help her avoid frustration. But one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned, and one I explore in Wisdom in the Wound, is that sometimes the most important thing I can do is step back, especially when my own wounds get in the way.

Shiloh recently decided to try running track. If you’ve never been to a track meet, you’ll quickly learn it’s a lot of waiting for a very brief reward. For her, it was frustrating, she was slower than the other kids, and she felt it deeply. She stomped, complained, and struggled with impatience. And I understood completely, she got her speed from me.

Here’s where it got tricky.

My instinct was to coach her, push her, and help her fix what I saw as “correctable.” But it wasn’t just about track. My wound, this deep desire to be seen, to be right, to feel like I was helping, was bubbling up. I wanted to be acknowledged for being a good dad, for knowing what she needed.

And every complaint from Shiloh, every moment of frustration, felt like a reflection on me. Her struggle bumped up against my own need for validation, and I could feel my patience shrinking.

Shiloh didn’t want to put in the work I knew would help. She wanted results without the effort, and my first reaction was to fix it for her, to make her see things my way. But stepping in that way would have been about me, not her. I realized that my need to be seen and “do it right” was actually blocking the most important thing I could offer: my presence.

So, I paused. I had to let her experience the frustration herself. My role wasn’t to control the outcome or prove I knew better; it was to cheer her on, listen, and quietly hold space for her to learn. To trust that she could handle the challenge, even if it was slow, messy, and imperfect.

Being a GirlDad has taught me that love isn’t measured by how much I can control the outcome. It’s measured by how well I can show up, recognize my own impulses, and let her grow through the challenge.

My wounds can cloud my judgment, but when I notice them and step back, they can guide me toward wisdom, presence, and patience.

Watching Shiloh navigate track, slow, frustrated, but trying, reminds me that my job isn’t to make life easy for her. It’s to make sure she knows she’s capable, supported, and loved, even when she doesn’t do things the way I would.

Fathering isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up, being honest with yourself, and choosing presence over control.

Every day with Shiloh is a lesson in humility, patience, and trust. My wound to be seen will always be there, but when I steward it well, it allows me to be the dad she actually needs. I’m grateful I get to walk alongside her, not as someone who fixes everything, but as someone who trusts her to do the work herself and loves her fiercely while she does it.

Tony Miltenberger is the founder of Follow2Lead Coaching. He is a veteran, podcast host, executive coach, author, and the associate pastor of disciple making at Centerville Grace Church. Throughout the years, Tony has traveled the globe, taking deployments in Kuwait, El Salvador, and numerous marriage retreats throughout the US. He has consulted with churches in the deep south and multi-million dollar organizations in the Midwest. His proudest accomplishment is being the father to three amazing kids and being married to his high school sweetheart (Karen) for over 20 years.

If you want to hear more from Tony, you’ll love his new book, Wisdom in the Wound: How God Uses Your Past to Shape Who You’re Becoming.

How The Anxious Generation is Influencing Your Daughter…and What You as Her Dad Can Do About It [Part 2]

Hi Dad…

So how did your extra intentional REAL LIFE time with your daughter go these past two weeks? I trust that your daughter---and you---were willing to put your phones DOWN so that your mood and focus and mental health benefits could go UP!

As I wrote in my last blog, today is Part 2 of my review of Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s #1 New York Times bestseller, “The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness.”

Quick review of Part 1:

• Research confirms there are strong correlations between the epidemic rises in depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicide among adolescents with PHONE-based childhoods that have replaced PLAY-based childhoods.

• A phone-based childhood leads to four significant issues: sleep deprivation, social deprivation, attention fragmentation, and addiction.

• Social media use for girls doesn’t just correlate with mental illness (namely anxiety and depression), but actually causes it!

• Girls are more affected by visual social comparison and perfectionism.

Now let’s hear more from Dr. Haidt, a fellow GirlDad who is walking a similar road as you with your daughter.

I appreciate the way he creatively explains this dilemma of the mental health breakdown in children to fellow parents.

If a tech entrepreneur transported our children away from Earth to live on Mars, specifically without their parent’s consent, every mom and dad would be outraged. Yet in some ways that’s exactly what’s happened because our kids may not be on Mars, says Haidt, but they’re not fully present with us here anymore either. They’re floating in space without being grounded in relationships that require face to face connection.

And he cites that there is only one explanation for all of this: SMARTPHONES and DEVICES.

He continues:

“The Great Rewiring of Childhood, from play-based to phone-based, has been a catastrophic failure…Children thrive when they are rooted in real-world communities, not in disembodied virtual networks…” (p. 293).

So what can be done to bring reform to the adolescent mental health crisis that’s impacting your daughter?

Haidt says the place to begin is to significantly limit smartphone use in kids so our culture begins to embrace a new normal with parents leading the way. He calls for collective action and says if more parents band together in these proactive ways, it will turn the tide.

More specifically, he suggests: 

1. No smartphones before high school

2. No social media before age 16

3. Phone-free schools

4. Far more unsupervised play and childhood independence

Although this might literally seem impossible to institute with your daughter, the reality is that it can be done if you really want to do it. If you’re convinced that the very devices she’s holding in her hands are destroying her confidence and negatively impacting her mental health, what’s keeping you from addressing this head on?

Did you notice Haidt’s last point above about giving children more freedom to play and explore life in the real world without constant adult supervision? He says that sometimes parents are more concerned and vigilant about where their kids go and who they’re with in their outside world than where they go and who they’re with online and in cyberspace.

I know the idea of giving your daughter more freedom outside your home might be tough for many of you, but Haidt says that with practice in managing your own anxiety as a parent while releasing your daughter to grow, “the ultimate pleasure of being able to trust your child outweighs the temporary anxieties of letting go.” (p. 287).

By giving your daughter more unsupervised free play like you had at her age, along with ever-growing independence and responsibility, she will thrive and mature. And she’ll have you to process all she learns along the way while still at home. Remember too that she can’t give up her phone without something else to replace it.

These proactive solutions to our adolescent mental health crisis, according to Dr. Haidt, are achievable. If you want to see your daughter’s mental health improve and her anxiety and depression decrease, it’s time to take action. 

I’ll end with integrating Haidt’s suggestions with my own by sharing four ways you can raise your daughter to live an anxious-free life:

1. PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE
Initiate a digital detox for set periods of time and insist she do the same.
(Start small---like an hour or two---and then expand your time until you can live one day a week without your devices. Haidt encourages a “digital Sabbath” every week (p. 279). Expect to go through withdrawal, but it will get easier as you commit to technology-free time as a family---and it starts with you, Dad, setting the example. And make sure your kids turn their phones in and off every night before bed).

2. PLAY TOGETHER
Intentionally engage your daughter in face-to-face conversations and experiences with you and others.
(Haidt describes the “Let Grow Project” as an assignment where kids do something they’ve never done before on their own after reaching an agreement with parents on what it is. (p.265) Brainstorm together and write a list of new experiences she’d like to try—on her own or with you. Make sure they’re active and even service-oriented so she sees that she has something to give and offer others.)

3. POSITVE REINFORCEMENT
Refrain from expressing negativity as you encourage your daughter to try things that allow her to flex her wings.
(Be mindful to motivate your daughter with inspiration instead of indignation. She may be cranky as she does a digital detox so be gentle in this process. Avoid expressing fears, criticisms about what she’s not doing right, or potential doubts as to her abilities as she steps into real-world activities in brave new ways. Instead, applaud her willingness to learn as she grows).

4. PROCESS WITH HER.

Pursue regular conversations with her regarding what she’s learning about herself and the world around her as she rewires her brain.
(One way to educate your daughter on the neurological and mental health impacts associated with attachment to devices---and detachment from devices---is to ask how her online life is helping her reach her goals or blocking them. Better yet, read Haidt’s book with her to create a foundation for healthy interactions).

5. PRAY WITH HER.

Take time to intentionally join your daughter in talking to God about growing in developing healthier balance and rhythms with her screens. Even if praying out loud isn’t something you’re comfortable with or consider yourself skilled in doing, I encourage you to start with one or two sentences so your daughter hears her earthly father talking to her Heavenly Father about what’s going on in her life.

Dad, make it your goal to PLAY MORE with your daughter.

Encourage her to PLAY MORE in person with her friends.

Inspire her to RISK MORE while engaging in new activities where she doesn’t have to be perfect.

Establish limits so she’s retrained to be on her PHONE LESS (at home, school, etc.).

To review, here it is once again in a nutshell…

LESS SCREEN TIME + MORE REAL-WORLD TIME =

LESS ANXIETY, LESS DEPRESSION, LESS SELF HARM, LESS SUICIDALITY,
and MORE CONFIDENCE + GREATER SELF ESTEEM.

My final encouragement to you, Dad, is to align with these wise words of Jonathan Haidt as you step into action with the things shared above: “Let’s bring our children home.” (p.293).

How The Anxious Generation is Influencing Your Daughter…and What You as Her Dad Can Do About It [Part 1]

I just reviewed a new book and it’s so powerful that I have to tell you about it!

And because there is so much power-packed information in it, I’m dividing my overview into two parts. Today is Part 1 and in two weeks I’ll share Part 2. I’m also giving you practical action steps at the end of this blog so you can engage your daughter in a proactive process of healing her brain and ultimately experience positive impacts to her mental and emotional health.

Now to the book. It’s a 2024 release and is already a #1 New York Times Bestseller. Written by psychologist and researcher, Dr. Jonathan Haidt, the title is, “The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness.”

Before we dive into his book, let me ask you a couple of questions.

Question 1: If I offered you guaranteed success by doing ONE THING to increase in your daughter’s self-esteem while simultaneously decreasing her anxiety and depression, would you beg me to tell you what it is? Of course you would!

Today I’m going to share that one secret with you. Actually, Dr. Haidt is going to tell you his answer to that question. His astonishing, profound and life-changing findings literally boil down to ONE SPECIFIC THING that can make a huge significant difference in improving your daughter’s mental health.

If this seems too simplistic or too good to be true, keep reading and I’ll share more to back up his claims.

It’s also worth noting that Haidt is a GirlDad. He’s the father to two teenagers, one of them being a daughter. So this research is deeply personal to him.

Haidt wants you to know that the correlation between the epidemic rises in depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicide among adolescents that began to spike in the early 2010’s has a root cause. Through his extensive research he’s concluded that this is primarily due to PHONE-based childhoods that have replaced PLAY-based childhoods.

[Haidt uses the term “phone-based” broadly to include all internet-connected personal electronics that fill time, including laptop computers, tablets, video game consoles, and smartphones with millions of apps].

Question 2: Would you have ever imagined that your maturing daughter would forget how to play? As you remember back to when she was a toddler, you didn’t have to teach her how to play; it was intuitive and instinctual. Yet now there’s been a complete reversal where children are less inclined to explore and experience adventures in a real-world community; instead, they’re being conditioned to sit down and look down while scrolling or “playing” on their devices, often in isolation.

This not only is having a disastrous impact on our kids, but Haidt adds that “it doesn’t have to be that way; we can regain control of our own minds….and this book is for anyone who wants to understand how the most rapid rewiring of human relationships and consciousness in human history has made it harder for all of us to think, focus, forget ourselves enough to care about others, and build closer relationships.” (p.17).
He continues by describing four foundational areas of harm that the anxious generation, also known as Gen Z (born after 1995), has experienced due to having a phone-based childhood:

1. Sleep deprivation

2. Social deprivation

3. Attention fragmentation

4. Addiction

I imagine you’d like to read more about each of these things as you consider how they’re impacting your daughter…and possibly yourself. You’ll have to get the book to learn more, but for now, let’s keep going.

This next point is specifically for you as a GirlDad.

Haidt states that social media use for girls doesn’t just correlate with mental illness (namely anxiety and depression), but actually causes it! [WOW…that’s ground-breaking information, wouldn’t you agree?]

He cites empirical evidence to confirm four reasons why girls are more vulnerable than boys when it comes to the influence of social media:

1. Girls are more affected by visual social comparison and perfectionism

2. Girls aggression is more relational (“The way to really hurt another girl is to hit her in her relationships” where “indirect aggression includes damaging other people’s relationships or reputations.” p. 158).

3. Girls more easily share emotions and disorders

4. Girls are more subject to predators and harassment

Dad, this is important for you to know because your daughter is being devoured by the impact of social media, whether she admits it or not.

Especially in pre-adolescence and adolescence when she begins being influenced more by peers, she is susceptible to negative voices that can lead her to disconnect from her own self worth and identity. This is when she begins comparing herself to others more while being overpowered with distorted fears and projections, beliefs and assumptions that can lead her away from being her authentic self.

I’ll be sharing more insights next week from Jonathan Haidt’s book, but for now, I want to ask you as a dad:

1. Are you willing to stand up and contend for your daughter’s mental and emotional health by letting her push against---and then follow----your limits regarding significantly less smartphone use?

THEN…

1. Are you willing to invest more of your personal time and energy to engage her in REAL life activities with you and others that invite her into REAL relationships? (which includes REAL drama and challenges and heartache and forgiveness and love and connection and fun and laughter…and all the things!)

To summarize, here it is in a nutshell…

Bottom line: LESS SCREEN TIME + MORE REAL-WORLD TIME =

LESS ANXIETY, LESS DEPRESSION, LESS SELF HARM, LESS SUICIDALITY,
and MORE CONFIDENCE + GREATER SELF ESTEEM.

ACTION STEP: Between now and two weeks from now, invite your daughter into an activity that’s new or that both of you already enjoy doing together. And one requirement is that there are NO PHONES ALLOWED (unless it’s to take a few pics along the way…but make sure to turn off your ringer and notifications so there are NO DISTRACTIONS).

For extra credit: Do one activity each week…so this means you’ll do TWO ACTIVITIES with her in the next two weeks. Write and tell me about it because I love sharing these milestones with you.

This is how you’ll begin to the turn the tide in a more positive direction as your daughter puts her phone DOWN and experiences her mood and perspective moving UP!

Why Emotions Matter (Guest Blog with Terra Mattson)

Emotions. 😠😊😢😨😒

In healthy relationships, we make room for our emotions. In fact, we value them, rather than villainize them. 

When it comes to dads and daughters, emotional differences can lead misunderstandings and divisions, reactions and/or relational misses. Yet it’s important to know that our individual stories and our hard-wired natures cause some of us lead with our emotions while others lead with logic. There isn’t a good or bad, right or wrong.

Some of us were taught emotions are healthy while others were taught to ignore them.

Yet regardless of our starting point, we all have emotions.

When we learn how to name, care for, and utilize our emotions for our good and the good of those in our wake of influence, we become healthier and more wholehearted leaders. [Yes…you, Dad, are definitely a leader in your home so I’m speaking directly to you]. And when we take time to listen to our daughters with more compassion, we make wiser decisions in our responses.

Dad, as you grow in seeing the value of your daughter’s emotions and intentionally seek to understand and validate her needs and values as she expresses herself, the healthier and more wholehearted your leadership, engagement, and pacing with her will be.

Here’s another way to think about it. Emotions are not just a by-product of a good song or residue from a difficult conflict, they are created by a God who made us in His image (See Genesis 1:26). And if God has emotions, then by all means, emotions must be good. 

Having emotions is not the issue.

It's what we do with them that matters most.

The key is learning to not be ruled by our emotions by following them or stuffing them, but rather bringing them to the table to be a part of the overall discussion with our minds, our bodies, and our souls. This can take time and practice alongside a counselor, coach, or friend. [Dr. Michelle and I both love coaching men and women who need someone to walk with them into these more vulnerable areas…so don’t hesitate to reach out to either one of us!]

When we learn how to care for our emotions, we become better parents, spouses, and leaders, creating healthier trust-filled environments in our homes, work and communities. Caring for our emotions has the potential to strengthen relationships, which sets the foundation for healthier father-daughter bonding.

Dad, I encourage you today to:

• Make it your goal to make room for your daughter’s emotions while honoring her hard-wiring.

• Take a gentle step toward her while her emotions are being expressed.

• Come with curiosity and a willingness to better understand what’s going on in her heart.

• Let her know her emotions matter.

This is how you can build a safe home and a safe space for your daughter to be known, heard, seen, and loved…by you and by God.


Terra Mattson is an author, speaker, podcast host, and alongside her husband, Jeff, is co-founder and CEO of Living Wholehearted, LLC and Courageous Girls. As a licensed marriage and family therapist, licensed professional counselor, and executive coach, she has spent decades counseling, coaching, and training leaders around trauma-informed theology and wholehearted leadership.

Not so Happy Father's Day: When You Just Want The Day to Be Over

If this blog title intrigues you, it may be because Father’s Day is one of the hardest days of the year for you. According to research that was commissioned by the National Center for Fathering in cooperation with Gallup polling, the majority of Americans are right there with you. In fact, over half of them agreed with this statement:

“Most adults have unresolved issues with their fathers.”

I want to be a catalyst in facilitating healing for those with unresolved father issues so we can be healthier people regardless of the hand we were dealt.

As I’ve pondered what some of your stories could be that make today extra hard, here are some examples that come to mind. Maybe your story has played out in some way like this:

• Your father wasn’t in the picture much---or at all---and like the approximately 18.3 million fatherless kids in America, this day reminds you of what you didn’t (or still don’t) have.

• Your dad preferred one of your siblings over you, and the result of that favoritism is that you’ve lacked confidence your whole life, never believing you measure up no matter how hard you try.

• Your parents divorced and you felt caught in the middle, feeling the pull to ally with your mom because you believed she needed you more…but now you realize what you didn’t get and you’re angry that you lost time with your dad that you’ll never get back.

• Your dad remarried after the divorce and chose his new family over you, leaving a hole in your heart that has never really healed no matter how much therapy you’ve done.

• Your father was there but not there. He provided for you and came home after work but didn’t really tune into you or communicate that you had value to him.

• Your dad has had his own unhealed issues with his father, and though he did the best he could, you keep coming back to the fact that there have been significant deficits in your relationship as a result of his lack of pursuing a closer relationship with you.

• You’ve learned that God is a loving and good Father, but you struggle to really believe it because your earthly father didn’t model those qualities to you.

• You’re a dad yourself and when your kids were born you purposed to be the dad you never had, but your personal choices---i.e. an addiction, affair, career, hobbies, or even ministry---came before them and now you’re reaping the painful results of those decisions.

• Your dad has died and you loved him more than your words can convey, and as you see everyone else celebrating their fathers today, your heart aches because you didn’t have enough time with yours.

As discouraging as these examples may be, I share them to validate the wounds that many of you are carrying, wounds that are often unseen and unacknowledged.

Yet let’s not stay there.

Let’s be people who pursue healing and wholeness so we don’t pass the unhealed pain of our past on to the next generation.

As a way to counter heaviness you may be feeling today,
I want to share a powerful truth I’ve learned about HOPE.

About a year ago I was preparing to speak at a national conference on hope-filled fathering. I was reading studies on the impact of hope in motivating us to action, as well as conducting my own research on how dads gain or lose hope based on their current relationships with their daughters.

One night I got a download for a way to understand HOPE in a fresh way. Here’s the acrostic that made the concept of HOPE come alive for me:

H---Heavenward
O---Orientation
P---Powers
E---Everything

What this means to me is that even when there’s been relational pain, we can find hope by looking through a different lens, a heavenward one. This orientation to connect with our Heavenly Father is the pathway for healing even if our earthly relationships are still broken.

If today is really hard for you, rest assured that you’re not alone and there are others who are struggling in similar ways. You can take comfort in knowing that another Father is watching over you. Also stand in the truth that healing is possible.

I want to leave you with one of my favorite verses that was my theme verse all last year. I pray this fills you with HOPE today so that no matter where you’re at on this Father’s Day, you’ll be uplifted and encouraged:

May the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace
as you trust in Him (this is the key to a heavenward orientation)
so you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.
(Romans 15:13)

[You may have read my blog two years ago titled, “How to Survive Father’s Day When You Hate the Day,” and if not, I encourage you to read it now. In it I share a four-step process to work through your father wounds towards healing and breakthrough. Be encouraged that it’s possible to move through forgiveness to release.

And if you need extra support, I offer online coaching and would be happy to walk alongside you in this process.]