Fathering Through My Own Wounds: Lessons I’ve Learned as a GirlDad (Guest Blog by Tony Miltenberger)

Being a dad is full of surprises, but being a GirlDad has taught me lessons I never expected.

With Shiloh, my youngest who is now 13, every day feels alive with energy, questions, and challenges. I want to guide her, make things easier, and help her avoid frustration. But one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned, and one I explore in Wisdom in the Wound, is that sometimes the most important thing I can do is step back, especially when my own wounds get in the way.

Shiloh recently decided to try running track. If you’ve never been to a track meet, you’ll quickly learn it’s a lot of waiting for a very brief reward. For her, it was frustrating, she was slower than the other kids, and she felt it deeply. She stomped, complained, and struggled with impatience. And I understood completely, she got her speed from me.

Here’s where it got tricky.

My instinct was to coach her, push her, and help her fix what I saw as “correctable.” But it wasn’t just about track. My wound, this deep desire to be seen, to be right, to feel like I was helping, was bubbling up. I wanted to be acknowledged for being a good dad, for knowing what she needed.

And every complaint from Shiloh, every moment of frustration, felt like a reflection on me. Her struggle bumped up against my own need for validation, and I could feel my patience shrinking.

Shiloh didn’t want to put in the work I knew would help. She wanted results without the effort, and my first reaction was to fix it for her, to make her see things my way. But stepping in that way would have been about me, not her. I realized that my need to be seen and “do it right” was actually blocking the most important thing I could offer: my presence.

So, I paused. I had to let her experience the frustration herself. My role wasn’t to control the outcome or prove I knew better; it was to cheer her on, listen, and quietly hold space for her to learn. To trust that she could handle the challenge, even if it was slow, messy, and imperfect.

Being a GirlDad has taught me that love isn’t measured by how much I can control the outcome. It’s measured by how well I can show up, recognize my own impulses, and let her grow through the challenge.

My wounds can cloud my judgment, but when I notice them and step back, they can guide me toward wisdom, presence, and patience.

Watching Shiloh navigate track, slow, frustrated, but trying, reminds me that my job isn’t to make life easy for her. It’s to make sure she knows she’s capable, supported, and loved, even when she doesn’t do things the way I would.

Fathering isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up, being honest with yourself, and choosing presence over control.

Every day with Shiloh is a lesson in humility, patience, and trust. My wound to be seen will always be there, but when I steward it well, it allows me to be the dad she actually needs. I’m grateful I get to walk alongside her, not as someone who fixes everything, but as someone who trusts her to do the work herself and loves her fiercely while she does it.

Tony Miltenberger is the founder of Follow2Lead Coaching. He is a veteran, podcast host, executive coach, author, and the associate pastor of disciple making at Centerville Grace Church. Throughout the years, Tony has traveled the globe, taking deployments in Kuwait, El Salvador, and numerous marriage retreats throughout the US. He has consulted with churches in the deep south and multi-million dollar organizations in the Midwest. His proudest accomplishment is being the father to three amazing kids and being married to his high school sweetheart (Karen) for over 20 years.

If you want to hear more from Tony, you’ll love his new book, Wisdom in the Wound: How God Uses Your Past to Shape Who You’re Becoming.

How The Anxious Generation is Influencing Your Daughter…and What You as Her Dad Can Do About It [Part 2]

Hi Dad…

So how did your extra intentional REAL LIFE time with your daughter go these past two weeks? I trust that your daughter---and you---were willing to put your phones DOWN so that your mood and focus and mental health benefits could go UP!

As I wrote in my last blog, today is Part 2 of my review of Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s #1 New York Times bestseller, “The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness.”

Quick review of Part 1:

• Research confirms there are strong correlations between the epidemic rises in depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicide among adolescents with PHONE-based childhoods that have replaced PLAY-based childhoods.

• A phone-based childhood leads to four significant issues: sleep deprivation, social deprivation, attention fragmentation, and addiction.

• Social media use for girls doesn’t just correlate with mental illness (namely anxiety and depression), but actually causes it!

• Girls are more affected by visual social comparison and perfectionism.

Now let’s hear more from Dr. Haidt, a fellow GirlDad who is walking a similar road as you with your daughter.

I appreciate the way he creatively explains this dilemma of the mental health breakdown in children to fellow parents.

If a tech entrepreneur transported our children away from Earth to live on Mars, specifically without their parent’s consent, every mom and dad would be outraged. Yet in some ways that’s exactly what’s happened because our kids may not be on Mars, says Haidt, but they’re not fully present with us here anymore either. They’re floating in space without being grounded in relationships that require face to face connection.

And he cites that there is only one explanation for all of this: SMARTPHONES and DEVICES.

He continues:

“The Great Rewiring of Childhood, from play-based to phone-based, has been a catastrophic failure…Children thrive when they are rooted in real-world communities, not in disembodied virtual networks…” (p. 293).

So what can be done to bring reform to the adolescent mental health crisis that’s impacting your daughter?

Haidt says the place to begin is to significantly limit smartphone use in kids so our culture begins to embrace a new normal with parents leading the way. He calls for collective action and says if more parents band together in these proactive ways, it will turn the tide.

More specifically, he suggests: 

1. No smartphones before high school

2. No social media before age 16

3. Phone-free schools

4. Far more unsupervised play and childhood independence

Although this might literally seem impossible to institute with your daughter, the reality is that it can be done if you really want to do it. If you’re convinced that the very devices she’s holding in her hands are destroying her confidence and negatively impacting her mental health, what’s keeping you from addressing this head on?

Did you notice Haidt’s last point above about giving children more freedom to play and explore life in the real world without constant adult supervision? He says that sometimes parents are more concerned and vigilant about where their kids go and who they’re with in their outside world than where they go and who they’re with online and in cyberspace.

I know the idea of giving your daughter more freedom outside your home might be tough for many of you, but Haidt says that with practice in managing your own anxiety as a parent while releasing your daughter to grow, “the ultimate pleasure of being able to trust your child outweighs the temporary anxieties of letting go.” (p. 287).

By giving your daughter more unsupervised free play like you had at her age, along with ever-growing independence and responsibility, she will thrive and mature. And she’ll have you to process all she learns along the way while still at home. Remember too that she can’t give up her phone without something else to replace it.

These proactive solutions to our adolescent mental health crisis, according to Dr. Haidt, are achievable. If you want to see your daughter’s mental health improve and her anxiety and depression decrease, it’s time to take action. 

I’ll end with integrating Haidt’s suggestions with my own by sharing four ways you can raise your daughter to live an anxious-free life:

1. PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE
Initiate a digital detox for set periods of time and insist she do the same.
(Start small---like an hour or two---and then expand your time until you can live one day a week without your devices. Haidt encourages a “digital Sabbath” every week (p. 279). Expect to go through withdrawal, but it will get easier as you commit to technology-free time as a family---and it starts with you, Dad, setting the example. And make sure your kids turn their phones in and off every night before bed).

2. PLAY TOGETHER
Intentionally engage your daughter in face-to-face conversations and experiences with you and others.
(Haidt describes the “Let Grow Project” as an assignment where kids do something they’ve never done before on their own after reaching an agreement with parents on what it is. (p.265) Brainstorm together and write a list of new experiences she’d like to try—on her own or with you. Make sure they’re active and even service-oriented so she sees that she has something to give and offer others.)

3. POSITVE REINFORCEMENT
Refrain from expressing negativity as you encourage your daughter to try things that allow her to flex her wings.
(Be mindful to motivate your daughter with inspiration instead of indignation. She may be cranky as she does a digital detox so be gentle in this process. Avoid expressing fears, criticisms about what she’s not doing right, or potential doubts as to her abilities as she steps into real-world activities in brave new ways. Instead, applaud her willingness to learn as she grows).

4. PROCESS WITH HER.

Pursue regular conversations with her regarding what she’s learning about herself and the world around her as she rewires her brain.
(One way to educate your daughter on the neurological and mental health impacts associated with attachment to devices---and detachment from devices---is to ask how her online life is helping her reach her goals or blocking them. Better yet, read Haidt’s book with her to create a foundation for healthy interactions).

5. PRAY WITH HER.

Take time to intentionally join your daughter in talking to God about growing in developing healthier balance and rhythms with her screens. Even if praying out loud isn’t something you’re comfortable with or consider yourself skilled in doing, I encourage you to start with one or two sentences so your daughter hears her earthly father talking to her Heavenly Father about what’s going on in her life.

Dad, make it your goal to PLAY MORE with your daughter.

Encourage her to PLAY MORE in person with her friends.

Inspire her to RISK MORE while engaging in new activities where she doesn’t have to be perfect.

Establish limits so she’s retrained to be on her PHONE LESS (at home, school, etc.).

To review, here it is once again in a nutshell…

LESS SCREEN TIME + MORE REAL-WORLD TIME =

LESS ANXIETY, LESS DEPRESSION, LESS SELF HARM, LESS SUICIDALITY,
and MORE CONFIDENCE + GREATER SELF ESTEEM.

My final encouragement to you, Dad, is to align with these wise words of Jonathan Haidt as you step into action with the things shared above: “Let’s bring our children home.” (p.293).

How The Anxious Generation is Influencing Your Daughter…and What You as Her Dad Can Do About It [Part 1]

I just reviewed a new book and it’s so powerful that I have to tell you about it!

And because there is so much power-packed information in it, I’m dividing my overview into two parts. Today is Part 1 and in two weeks I’ll share Part 2. I’m also giving you practical action steps at the end of this blog so you can engage your daughter in a proactive process of healing her brain and ultimately experience positive impacts to her mental and emotional health.

Now to the book. It’s a 2024 release and is already a #1 New York Times Bestseller. Written by psychologist and researcher, Dr. Jonathan Haidt, the title is, “The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness.”

Before we dive into his book, let me ask you a couple of questions.

Question 1: If I offered you guaranteed success by doing ONE THING to increase in your daughter’s self-esteem while simultaneously decreasing her anxiety and depression, would you beg me to tell you what it is? Of course you would!

Today I’m going to share that one secret with you. Actually, Dr. Haidt is going to tell you his answer to that question. His astonishing, profound and life-changing findings literally boil down to ONE SPECIFIC THING that can make a huge significant difference in improving your daughter’s mental health.

If this seems too simplistic or too good to be true, keep reading and I’ll share more to back up his claims.

It’s also worth noting that Haidt is a GirlDad. He’s the father to two teenagers, one of them being a daughter. So this research is deeply personal to him.

Haidt wants you to know that the correlation between the epidemic rises in depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicide among adolescents that began to spike in the early 2010’s has a root cause. Through his extensive research he’s concluded that this is primarily due to PHONE-based childhoods that have replaced PLAY-based childhoods.

[Haidt uses the term “phone-based” broadly to include all internet-connected personal electronics that fill time, including laptop computers, tablets, video game consoles, and smartphones with millions of apps].

Question 2: Would you have ever imagined that your maturing daughter would forget how to play? As you remember back to when she was a toddler, you didn’t have to teach her how to play; it was intuitive and instinctual. Yet now there’s been a complete reversal where children are less inclined to explore and experience adventures in a real-world community; instead, they’re being conditioned to sit down and look down while scrolling or “playing” on their devices, often in isolation.

This not only is having a disastrous impact on our kids, but Haidt adds that “it doesn’t have to be that way; we can regain control of our own minds….and this book is for anyone who wants to understand how the most rapid rewiring of human relationships and consciousness in human history has made it harder for all of us to think, focus, forget ourselves enough to care about others, and build closer relationships.” (p.17).
He continues by describing four foundational areas of harm that the anxious generation, also known as Gen Z (born after 1995), has experienced due to having a phone-based childhood:

1. Sleep deprivation

2. Social deprivation

3. Attention fragmentation

4. Addiction

I imagine you’d like to read more about each of these things as you consider how they’re impacting your daughter…and possibly yourself. You’ll have to get the book to learn more, but for now, let’s keep going.

This next point is specifically for you as a GirlDad.

Haidt states that social media use for girls doesn’t just correlate with mental illness (namely anxiety and depression), but actually causes it! [WOW…that’s ground-breaking information, wouldn’t you agree?]

He cites empirical evidence to confirm four reasons why girls are more vulnerable than boys when it comes to the influence of social media:

1. Girls are more affected by visual social comparison and perfectionism

2. Girls aggression is more relational (“The way to really hurt another girl is to hit her in her relationships” where “indirect aggression includes damaging other people’s relationships or reputations.” p. 158).

3. Girls more easily share emotions and disorders

4. Girls are more subject to predators and harassment

Dad, this is important for you to know because your daughter is being devoured by the impact of social media, whether she admits it or not.

Especially in pre-adolescence and adolescence when she begins being influenced more by peers, she is susceptible to negative voices that can lead her to disconnect from her own self worth and identity. This is when she begins comparing herself to others more while being overpowered with distorted fears and projections, beliefs and assumptions that can lead her away from being her authentic self.

I’ll be sharing more insights next week from Jonathan Haidt’s book, but for now, I want to ask you as a dad:

1. Are you willing to stand up and contend for your daughter’s mental and emotional health by letting her push against---and then follow----your limits regarding significantly less smartphone use?

THEN…

1. Are you willing to invest more of your personal time and energy to engage her in REAL life activities with you and others that invite her into REAL relationships? (which includes REAL drama and challenges and heartache and forgiveness and love and connection and fun and laughter…and all the things!)

To summarize, here it is in a nutshell…

Bottom line: LESS SCREEN TIME + MORE REAL-WORLD TIME =

LESS ANXIETY, LESS DEPRESSION, LESS SELF HARM, LESS SUICIDALITY,
and MORE CONFIDENCE + GREATER SELF ESTEEM.

ACTION STEP: Between now and two weeks from now, invite your daughter into an activity that’s new or that both of you already enjoy doing together. And one requirement is that there are NO PHONES ALLOWED (unless it’s to take a few pics along the way…but make sure to turn off your ringer and notifications so there are NO DISTRACTIONS).

For extra credit: Do one activity each week…so this means you’ll do TWO ACTIVITIES with her in the next two weeks. Write and tell me about it because I love sharing these milestones with you.

This is how you’ll begin to the turn the tide in a more positive direction as your daughter puts her phone DOWN and experiences her mood and perspective moving UP!

Why Emotions Matter (Guest Blog with Terra Mattson)

Emotions. 😠😊😢😨😒

In healthy relationships, we make room for our emotions. In fact, we value them, rather than villainize them. 

When it comes to dads and daughters, emotional differences can lead misunderstandings and divisions, reactions and/or relational misses. Yet it’s important to know that our individual stories and our hard-wired natures cause some of us lead with our emotions while others lead with logic. There isn’t a good or bad, right or wrong.

Some of us were taught emotions are healthy while others were taught to ignore them.

Yet regardless of our starting point, we all have emotions.

When we learn how to name, care for, and utilize our emotions for our good and the good of those in our wake of influence, we become healthier and more wholehearted leaders. [Yes…you, Dad, are definitely a leader in your home so I’m speaking directly to you]. And when we take time to listen to our daughters with more compassion, we make wiser decisions in our responses.

Dad, as you grow in seeing the value of your daughter’s emotions and intentionally seek to understand and validate her needs and values as she expresses herself, the healthier and more wholehearted your leadership, engagement, and pacing with her will be.

Here’s another way to think about it. Emotions are not just a by-product of a good song or residue from a difficult conflict, they are created by a God who made us in His image (See Genesis 1:26). And if God has emotions, then by all means, emotions must be good. 

Having emotions is not the issue.

It's what we do with them that matters most.

The key is learning to not be ruled by our emotions by following them or stuffing them, but rather bringing them to the table to be a part of the overall discussion with our minds, our bodies, and our souls. This can take time and practice alongside a counselor, coach, or friend. [Dr. Michelle and I both love coaching men and women who need someone to walk with them into these more vulnerable areas…so don’t hesitate to reach out to either one of us!]

When we learn how to care for our emotions, we become better parents, spouses, and leaders, creating healthier trust-filled environments in our homes, work and communities. Caring for our emotions has the potential to strengthen relationships, which sets the foundation for healthier father-daughter bonding.

Dad, I encourage you today to:

• Make it your goal to make room for your daughter’s emotions while honoring her hard-wiring.

• Take a gentle step toward her while her emotions are being expressed.

• Come with curiosity and a willingness to better understand what’s going on in her heart.

• Let her know her emotions matter.

This is how you can build a safe home and a safe space for your daughter to be known, heard, seen, and loved…by you and by God.


Terra Mattson is an author, speaker, podcast host, and alongside her husband, Jeff, is co-founder and CEO of Living Wholehearted, LLC and Courageous Girls. As a licensed marriage and family therapist, licensed professional counselor, and executive coach, she has spent decades counseling, coaching, and training leaders around trauma-informed theology and wholehearted leadership.

Not so Happy Father's Day: When You Just Want The Day to Be Over

If this blog title intrigues you, it may be because Father’s Day is one of the hardest days of the year for you. According to research that was commissioned by the National Center for Fathering in cooperation with Gallup polling, the majority of Americans are right there with you. In fact, over half of them agreed with this statement:

“Most adults have unresolved issues with their fathers.”

I want to be a catalyst in facilitating healing for those with unresolved father issues so we can be healthier people regardless of the hand we were dealt.

As I’ve pondered what some of your stories could be that make today extra hard, here are some examples that come to mind. Maybe your story has played out in some way like this:

• Your father wasn’t in the picture much---or at all---and like the approximately 18.3 million fatherless kids in America, this day reminds you of what you didn’t (or still don’t) have.

• Your dad preferred one of your siblings over you, and the result of that favoritism is that you’ve lacked confidence your whole life, never believing you measure up no matter how hard you try.

• Your parents divorced and you felt caught in the middle, feeling the pull to ally with your mom because you believed she needed you more…but now you realize what you didn’t get and you’re angry that you lost time with your dad that you’ll never get back.

• Your dad remarried after the divorce and chose his new family over you, leaving a hole in your heart that has never really healed no matter how much therapy you’ve done.

• Your father was there but not there. He provided for you and came home after work but didn’t really tune into you or communicate that you had value to him.

• Your dad has had his own unhealed issues with his father, and though he did the best he could, you keep coming back to the fact that there have been significant deficits in your relationship as a result of his lack of pursuing a closer relationship with you.

• You’ve learned that God is a loving and good Father, but you struggle to really believe it because your earthly father didn’t model those qualities to you.

• You’re a dad yourself and when your kids were born you purposed to be the dad you never had, but your personal choices---i.e. an addiction, affair, career, hobbies, or even ministry---came before them and now you’re reaping the painful results of those decisions.

• Your dad has died and you loved him more than your words can convey, and as you see everyone else celebrating their fathers today, your heart aches because you didn’t have enough time with yours.

As discouraging as these examples may be, I share them to validate the wounds that many of you are carrying, wounds that are often unseen and unacknowledged.

Yet let’s not stay there.

Let’s be people who pursue healing and wholeness so we don’t pass the unhealed pain of our past on to the next generation.

As a way to counter heaviness you may be feeling today,
I want to share a powerful truth I’ve learned about HOPE.

About a year ago I was preparing to speak at a national conference on hope-filled fathering. I was reading studies on the impact of hope in motivating us to action, as well as conducting my own research on how dads gain or lose hope based on their current relationships with their daughters.

One night I got a download for a way to understand HOPE in a fresh way. Here’s the acrostic that made the concept of HOPE come alive for me:

H---Heavenward
O---Orientation
P---Powers
E---Everything

What this means to me is that even when there’s been relational pain, we can find hope by looking through a different lens, a heavenward one. This orientation to connect with our Heavenly Father is the pathway for healing even if our earthly relationships are still broken.

If today is really hard for you, rest assured that you’re not alone and there are others who are struggling in similar ways. You can take comfort in knowing that another Father is watching over you. Also stand in the truth that healing is possible.

I want to leave you with one of my favorite verses that was my theme verse all last year. I pray this fills you with HOPE today so that no matter where you’re at on this Father’s Day, you’ll be uplifted and encouraged:

May the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace
as you trust in Him (this is the key to a heavenward orientation)
so you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.
(Romans 15:13)

[You may have read my blog two years ago titled, “How to Survive Father’s Day When You Hate the Day,” and if not, I encourage you to read it now. In it I share a four-step process to work through your father wounds towards healing and breakthrough. Be encouraged that it’s possible to move through forgiveness to release.

And if you need extra support, I offer online coaching and would be happy to walk alongside you in this process.]