Dad, Help Your Daughter Find Her Voice

I’ve heard it said that communication is 7% words, 38% tone of voice, and 55% body language.

If you do the math, you’ll see that this means that 93% of communication is nonverbal. How’s that for significant?!

This little statistic serves as a reminder that as a reflective listener, we often say more by what never comes out of our mouths.

Think back to a time when your daughter tried to tell you something when you weren’t fully dialed in. Then (in your estimation) she reacted in a way that seemed entirely inappropriate to the situation. And there you were, completely dumbfounded because you had no idea how she leapt from a zero to ten in intensity over something seemingly insignificant. At least to you.

Two words: nonverbal communication.

In his book Dads and Daughters, Joe Kelly talks about the importance of a dad tuning in to his daughter’s voice:

Girls tend to be a riddle to fathers. Like any mystery, the relationship with our daughter can be frightening, exciting, entertaining, baffling, enlightening, or leave us completely in the dark; sometimes all at once. If we want to unravel this mystery, we have to pay attention and listen, even in the most ordinary moments.

Why? Because a girl’s voice may be the most valuable and most threatened resource she has. Her voice is the conduit for her heart, brains, and spirit. When she speaks bold and clearly—literally and metaphorically—she is much safer and surer.

I imagine that you’ve probably never thought of it like that when it comes to your daughter sharing (or perhaps in your view, over sharing!), and expressing her ever-changing opinions and constantly-emerging views, especially if they differ from yours.

But yes, that’s what Joe is talking about because he’s saying that if you don’t let her learn to confidently express herself with you, she will be less equipped to do so outside of your home.

Dads, I can’t underscore enough how intensely vital it is that you help nurture these qualities in your daughter.

Do you hear the heart longings in every one of these daughters to be special to her dad?

This is a need, not a want.

My friend Emily is a wife and mother of two boys. While choosing to parent differently than she was raised, she tells of the pain she felt growing up because her dad “was always too busy for her.” She talks about him being around physically but not emotionally or mentally. He was a pastor and was doing “God’s work,” and she knew she couldn’t compete with that.

Emily recalls sheepishly knocking on the door of his office at the age of seven and being afraid that she was a bother to him. His responses usually confirmed her worst fears. Not only has she carried around debilitating fears like an invisible knapsack ever since, but her childhood insecurities have continued to intersect with every relationship throughout her life. She and her dad have come far in repairing their relationship. Emily is working on healing and letting go. She’s finding her voice. It’s beautiful.

Be a dad today who helps your daughter to find and use her voice.

P.D.C. (Public Display of Connection)

Recently I was talking with a group of dads and the conversation turned to their daughter’s mood swings and their common experiences in not knowing what to do during those times. Understandably, this Venusian dynamic (I’m referencing the concept that men are from Mars and women are from Venus) creates a challenge for most every dad when it comes to figuring out how to navigate the “changing weather patterns” with no “meteorological training,” if you know what I mean!

Every dad admitted to often feeling lost without a road map when it comes to pacing with the twists and turns of teenage and young adult female development.

While I sat there listening to the added pressure these dads feel when struggling to decode the verbal and non-verbal cues of their daughters, it was clear that they all wanted to engage and pursue their daughter’s hearts despite the challenges. Their camaraderie led the way for openness around admitting their confusion over sometimes being invited closer while at other times being pushed away.

As we talked about ways to connect even when it’s hard, I shared that adolescent girls, in particular, may not always like physical touch from their dads because they may be embarrassed if their friends are watching or might think they’re too old for cuddling, hugging, or hand-holding.

But I also suggested that especially during stressful times, the best gift often is a hug so that she feels wrapped in safe arms that are holding her when she’s overwhelmed with life.

And this isn’t just my opinion; it’s actually backed up by research. Did you know that when we give or receive a hug, our brains release oxytocin, which is an antidote to the effect of cortisol, the stress hormone?

I truly believe that every daughter needs her dad even when she doesn’t always know that he’s what she needs. In fact, daughters sometimes push their dads away while secretly wishing that he’d not give up even when she makes him work to connect with her emotionally and relationally.

Since these dads were still tracking with me, I continued.

“It’s vital for you to consistently find ways to connect with your daughters, both inside and outside your homes, because daughters need their dads to teach them what safe touch feels like (in ways that honor her individual wiring—with some wanting less physical touch and others preferring more). Make sure to never pull away and detach during those harder years or your daughter will be left to wonder why she’s not worth the investment of your time, attention, and energy.”

It was then that I described the importance of appropriate physical touch and actually meant to say, “public display of affection” (P.D.A.). But it was one of those serendipitous times where my words got mixed up, and what came out of my mouth instead was, “public display of connection!” (which I’m now referring to as “P.D.C.”).

I love when “happy mistakes” like that happen because those words have stayed with me ever since. This has led me now to wonder:

What would it look like if every dad consistently initiated points of healthy physical connection with their daughter of any age in public places where life is on display?

For me, one of the best ways that my dad and I share “P.D.C.” is during our annual Perfume Day where my dad enters into the whole experience with absolute JOY, buying me whichever perfume I choose. We walk around the store walking hand in hand (or arm in arm) and I feel comfortable with this kind of public display of connection because it clearly communicates that my dad loves me and values me…and vice versa!

It seems to me that if every dad figured out a way to publicly demonstrate relational connection to his daughter, she would feel his love in a way that would go straight to her heart. And she would know that her dad wants the world to know that he’s proud and grateful to be her father. (Additional benefit: it gives a message to boys that this girl has a dialed-in dad!).

Dad…it’s up to you to take the initiative to connect with your daughter’s heart.

You have the responsibility as her father to find a way to reach her. I know it’s not always easy, especially when you feel disrespected or ignored, yet that doesn’t excuse you from still needing to move towards her in relationship.

As we head into 2021, I challenge you to set your intention to be the dad who finds ways to initiate safe touch as you publicly put your love for your daughter on display in ways that let her know she’s one of your greatest loves!

P.S. Since Valentines Day is just a couple of weeks away, if you’ve never started Perfume Day with your daughter, this would be a great year to begin this new tradition where P.D.C. is activated and your daughter gets to experience this forever memory with you!

Transfer of Power

You can breathe a sigh of relief because I promise you that this isn’t a political post! I’m only using this concept as a reference point to talk about fathering.

Let me ask you a question: What comes to mind when you read the three words in the title of this blog, Transfer of Power?

I’m guessing that your immediate thought ties to a change of position or roles between political leaders or administrative parties. That’s what comes to mind when I hear those words too.

During our recent election season I heard this phrase used repeatedly. And because my mind is always thinking about fathers and daughters, I found myself pondering how a similar dynamic happens (or should be happening) in homes when it comes to preparing kids to launch. Just to clarify, I’m referencing that time when a daughter (or son) officially heads into adulthood around the age of 18. 

There really is a transfer of power, especially when she (or he) steps out from under the parental roof. 

Since this child-to-adult transition is inevitable, the question I pose to you as dads is this:

What steps are you taking to prepare your daughter to be independent, confident, and self-assured as she moves into adulthood?

Here’s one way to build a framework that addresses this question as taught to me by a colleague whose insight was honed from raising two children, as well as hosting 100 foster teenagers. 

“By the age of 18, most kids are making the bulk of their own decisions, so why not let them make 50% of their own decisions by the time they’re nine years old. Then when they’re 14 or 15, let 75% of their decisions be their own. You want to let them succeed and fail while you as the parent are there to help them work through it.”

When I first heard this idea, it seemed ludicrous! Who lets their nine year old make 50% of their own decisions? Yet as I’ve given it more thought, I can see the wisdom in it.

The more your daughter is empowered to think for herself--which includes learning the hard way, making mistakes, falling down and failing, but then getting back up while having parental support---the more empowered she will be to carry herself in a similar way outside your home.   

And what dad doesn’t want his little girl to be strong and assertive, to be one who doesn’t follow the crowd but stands on her own two feet while thinking for herself?

Yet as good as all of that sounds in theory, remember that if you want your daughter to embody those qualities outside your home, she’s going to have to learn how to use those skills inside your home. In other words, your home is her training ground. 

And you, Dad, can support her process of transition into adulthood long before the day of her actual launch while strategically enhancing her level of success just by the way you interact with her every day until then.

And I am still keeping my promise for this not a political post, yet feel compelled to highlight something else that sadly has been the hallmark of this election season. Hasn’t this been the most intense and hostile political atmosphere that you’ve ever witnessed? 

This brings to mind a powerful challenge that a friend of mine, Brooke Perry, created as a grid to lead high school students that she pastors: 

1. Ask questions.

2. Listen well.

3. Disagree freely.

4. Love regardless.

Wouldn’t these four directives have been a game-changer during this election season? 

That said, I wonder how you as a dad might be able to take this grid and apply it to your relationship with your daughter as she matures and prepares to leave your home. Maybe this could even serve as a guide if she’s making choices that don’t have your highest approval rating. 

I know you want your daughter to succeed. You want to save her from heartache and regret. That’s why you sometimes want to step in and take over. I understand that. But that’s when it may be time to take to heart the words of Robert F. Kennedy, “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” It seems to be part of the process for us all, doesn’t it?

So, what can you do to create a peaceful transfer of power with your daughter?

1. Be the safe place where she can land when she falls.

2. Make sure not to shame her in her process of learning.

3. Reflect back on your bumpy road to maturity.

4. When you think you can’t be any more patient, dig even deeper.

5. Pray for God to give you grace to stay calm while guiding her.

6. Remove harshness and anger from your communication style [a.k.a. soften your tone].

7. Know that she won’t always do things your way and that’s okay.

8. Remember that she’ll be more open to your opinion if she asks for it.

9. Listen twice as much as you talk.

10. Daily communicate love for who she is regardless of what she does or doesn’t do.

11. Always wrap your criticism or correction in positive affirmation on the front and back end of the conversation.

12. Remind her regularly that her uniqueness will leave a mark on the world as she steps out and uses her gifts to impact others for good.

Dad, I know that your heart will ache as your daughter leaves the nest, but as you prepare her for the future, rest assured that the transfer of power from you to her will be stronger, healthier, and more peaceful if she has your support. She wants you to be proud of her, to trust her, and to give her grace, especially if she doesn’t always get it right on the first try.

Let your daughter know today that you are cheering her on as she steps forward into the next season of her life!

8 Secrets to Becoming an Active Daughter Listener (Guest Blog With Dr. Ken Canfield)

Today I’ve invited my husband, Dr. Ken Canfield, founder of the National Center for Fathering, to share some secrets he’s learned over the years when it comes to really listening to the women in his family. With three daughters, one daughter-in-law, and nine granddaughters, suffice it to say that he’s had lots of practice! I know you’ll appreciate hearing his practical ideas for strengthening your auditory skill set as we co-author today’s blog.    
~ Michelle

Dad, did you know that when you listen to your daughter, you actually help to build her self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence?! (Unfortunately, that’s not anything they tell you before you become a father, which is why I’m shouting this from the rooftops so you can say you heard it here!). 

This is how I explain it in my new book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters:

The truth is when a woman is listened to, she stands upright with greater self-confidence. And if the one listening to her is her father, the power of this reality increases exponentially. 

You see, a settledness takes hold in the depths of a woman’s being when she knows that she doesn’t have to shout above all the noise just to be heard. And a power takes root in her when she fully believes that she matters because what she thinks and feels matters. 

Dad, you play a very important role in validating your daughter’s worth by listening to what she has to say,

• even if what she says doesn’t fully make sense to you

• even if you disagree with her opinion or choices, and

• even if you are pushed past your limits of emotional and verbal exhaustion. 

That said, here are a few tips from Ken that you can put into ACTION today to let your daughter know that you care about what she has to say because you are listening to every word (or as many as possible, that is!)

1. Face your daughter squarely. This says, “I’m available to you; I choose to be with you.” This also means putting away or turning off all distractions, like cell phones and other screens and background noise.

2. Adopt an open posture. Crossed arms and legs say, “I’m not interested.” An open posture shows your daughter that you’re open to her and what she has to say.

3. Put yourself on your daughter’s level. Kneel, squat down, lie across her bed, lean toward her. This communicates, “I want to know more about you.”  

4. Maintain good eye contact. Have you ever talked to someone whose eyes seem to be looking at everything in the room but you? How did that make you feel? That’s not something you want your daughter to experience with you. (Time for a Dad check-in: Did you really put your cell phone away?) 

5. Stay relaxed. If you fidget nervously as your daughter is talking, she’ll think you’d rather be somewhere else. That’s counterproductive.

6. Watch your daughter. Learn to read her nonverbal behavior: posture, body movements, and gestures. Notice frowns, smiles, raised brows, and twisted lips. Listen to her voice quality and pitch, emphasis, pauses, and inflections. The way in which your daughter says something can tell you more than what she is actually saying. 

[I, Michelle, totally stand in unison with Ken on this one. Your tone of voice, Dad, can shut her down or open her up to you. Set the example with the tone of voice and attitude that you would like her to emulate.]

7. Actively give your daughter nonverbal feedback. Nod. Smile. Raise your eyebrows. Look surprised. These small signals mean more than you realize. They’ll encourage your daughter to open up even more and let you into her life.

8. The last step to listening is . . . speaking. But, before you give your response, restate in your own words what she has told you. That proves you were listening, and it also gives her the opportunity to say, “Yes, that’s it exactly,” or “No, what I really mean is this …” Remember, the goal of communication is understanding the other person, not proving your point.  

There are too many adult women who lament that their fathers never cared about them or what they had to say. They didn’t feel valued then, and still don’t, even years later. 

Listening isn’t easy, but it’s worth every bit of effort if you want to raise and empowered daughter, which we both know you do!

One REALLY CREATIVE WAY to Connect With Your Daughter During the Corona Crisis

A friend of mine sent me a video of a dad and his four-year old daughter creating their own musical montage to Taylor Swift's hit song, ‘Shake it Off.’ The title above the video read: “She Left Her Husband and Daughter Home Alone. What They Did? Prepare to Smile.”  

The blurb says that while some dads park their kids in front of the television so they can relax, this dad did the opposite. He brought out props and costumes and created something magical with his little girl that she most likely will never forget. It didn’t cost money but it cost him time and energy. 

The write-up ended by saying that this dad did all of this “with so much palpable joy that it's impossible not to smile. This little girl's lucky to have such a fun, loving dad.”

I have no doubt this video went viral. Why? Because every woman who sees it will share it with all of her friends and every smile will come from projecting herself onto the screen. 

Let me say it another way: Every daughter wants a relationship with her dad like this little girl has with her daddy: connected, fun, interactive, engaging, sweet, and loving.

And lest we think that dads aren’t equally impacted by this video, I happened to mention it to a former Abba Project dad named Mike and he had actually watched it earlier in the day. I asked why he watched it and without hesitation he said,

“I wanted to see the connection because I’m so conscious now of connecting to a daughter’s heart.” 

There it is:

Connection. Daughter. Heart. 

Mike went on to say, “Why am I not more proactive than reactive? I want more do-overs with my kids.  I want to be more present.”

Dad, I encourage you to take Mike’s words and turn them to action. Live as if today was your do-over. Find ways to be more present, more proactive, and more engaged with your daughter.

In this time of quarantine where we’re confined to our homes, there’s no better time to make a music video with your daughter. 

Ham it up. 

Be creative. 

Get out old clothes and use them as props. 

Let her pick the song. 

Be willing to make a fool of yourself. 

All to create a lasting memory. 

Then post your video on social media with the hashtag #daddaughterduo.

To be a connected dad, it’s going to take work. But like any worthwhile project, the harder the work, the greater the value. And the harder the work, the greater the reward.

Just remember: The most important part in all of this is turning your heart (not just your head) toward your daughter. And because it’s not about being perfect, but about being present, let the videos begin as your creativity and laughter pave the way for more magical, bonding moments with your girl.  

"I Want More of My Dad"

I’m at the age where attending funerals is becoming more commonplace. And truly, there’s nothing like an end of life celebration to bring everything into perspective. 

Awhile back I attended a funeral for a dear friend’s husband. There was hardly a dry eye in the place as one of her sons shared story after story about what his dad had meant to him. While choking back tears, he invited us all to dig deeper as he said, “I think everyone in here could say, ‘I want more of my dad.’” 

His words hung in the air. I was profoundly touched by his statement, so much so that I grabbed a pen and quickly wrote down his words so that I’d be sure to remember them. He ended by saying that he was one of the lucky ones to have had an invested dad. 

I agree with him completely. 

As I reflect back on the years of interacting with girls and young women, a general consistent theme I hear from them can be simply stated as this: “I want more of my dad.” 

Stated otherwise, I’ve never heard even one of them say that she had “too much” of her dad---too much time, too much attention, too much love, too much affirmation, too much laughter, too much talking, too much interacting, too much connecting, too much validating, too much vacationing, too much volunteering together...you get the point.

And if that story isn’t enough to touch the deepest places inside you, here’s another. 

A couple of years ago I had the privilege of hearing Eva Schloss speak at Willamette University in Salem, Oregon. She is the stepsister of Anne Frank, and along with her brother and parents, they were taken as prisoners to the Nazi death camps of Auschwitz and Birkenau during World War II. 

I was deeply moved by one particular story that she shared of miraculously reconnecting with her father after he had been granted permission to come and find her. Since they were in two adjacent camps, he had no idea that she was severely depressed, had been crying much of the time, and had just resigned herself to death. Yet upon seeing him she said that she felt revived. 

In her own words, Eva describes their reunion:

“His eyes were full of an immense love for me. I threw myself into his arms and felt his warmth and strength flow into me and pull me back to life. I sobbed uncontrollably while he held me close to him as if he would never let me go. He must have felt as happy as I did, to have his little daughter in his arms once more.

He told me to be brave and not to give up…We exchanged looks of such yearning and love that I still see his face like this in my dreams.”

Eva and her mother barely made it out of the war alive. Her brother and father did not.

Yet here she is now, at 90 years old, and it’s evident that her dad’s love is still with her---a love that carried her through severe suffering, starvation, torture, assault, resettlement, and later, re-engagement with life. (see picture below)

As we reflect on these stories of fathers who made forever deposits into their children’s lives, I trust they will inspire you to think long term, past the time when this current corona pandemic is over. You don’t want to look back with regret and wish you’d given more of yourself while working from home or traveling less despite the challenges that accompany an inconsistent schedule. By investing intentionally every day, your daughter will internalize your love and support just like Eva experienced with her dad that carried her through the most horrific season of her life.  

Dad, I share these stories with you today in the hope that your heart will be stirred. And not just stirred to experience emotion, but stirred to action. After all, it was God who said that the hearts of fathers are what need to turn toward their children, not their heads (Malachi 4:6). 

What would it look like for you to give more of your heart to your daughter today? 

• Perhaps it would be asking her what she’d like to do with you for one uninterrupted hour while you take time out of workday to spend time just with her.

• Or you could invite her to join you in a work project where you teach her something new---like how to repair the car or paint a room or serve your neighbors by mowing their lawn.

• Maybe you could sit on the floor in her room while you watch funny videos online or a movie she loves while laughing together.

• Or you could write her a love letter and mail it to her so she has something to read and re-read for years to come. 

All this to say, make today a day where your daughter enthusiastically and confidently shouts to you and the whole world, “I did have enough of my Dad today!”

Healing Hearts, Healing Hurts

A friend of mine recently told me something he believes to be true about most men. He said that rather than risk being viewed as incompetent, men tend to cover up their insecurities by acting like they know things…even when they don’t.

So that raises a couple of questions for me as one who deeply longs to see healing take place between dads and daughters. If what my friend said is true, I find myself asking:

1. What would it take for men to be wiling to step in to learn new things they inherently don’t know? 

2. What would it take for you as a father to be willing to reach your daughter’s heart in new ways, especially when it includes the challenge of listening to her hurts, especially when those hurts are from you? 

Dad, whether you have a great relationship with your daughter right now or not, I believe that you want peace and harmony. I believe that you want to mend the brokenness that may exist between you. Yet if you’re like many of the dads I’ve had the privilege of interacting with, you may not quite know how to go about making that happen. 

Because my desire is to ally with your truest desire to strengthen the way that you and your daughter relate, here are FOUR PRACTICAL SUGGESTIONS to help with healing her hurts, which subsequently will help to open her heart:

1. PHYSICAL SPACE: Go to where your daughter is (face-to-face if possible) with a readiness to listen, not defend, your position.

Here’s how dad Brent says it: “The physical space and relationship between me and my girls is important. If possible, I try to walk into her bedroom (her turf), and I try to place myself physically in a lower position than she is. It might sound strange, but if my daughter is sitting on her bed, I intentionally sit on the floor so she is looking down at me. I am taller than both of my girls and I never want to be in a conversation where I am looking down at her. I find if I sit down on the floor, lean back, and cross my legs, the non-threatening posture says to her, ‘I want to have a two-way conversation with you,’ instead of ‘I am here to tell you what for …’ “ 

2. EMOTIONAL SPACE: Be willing to sit with her through her emotional responses without criticism, disgust, impatience, or anger. 

Here’s how 25-year old Andrea said it, “I am beyond blessed that my dad has provided for me and been there for me through thick and thin. However, we’ve never ever fully seen eye-to-eye. I think it’s partly because we’re so much alike. But more than that, if he says something is 30, I say it’s 29. I don’t know what happened, but years ago we stopped hanging out, and honestly, it was probably around the same time that he started saying ‘30’ and I would counter with ‘29’. And it was probably around that same time that I started thinking he didn’t understand me. But beyond thinking that, I believed that he didn’t want to understand.”

Fathers often tell me that they struggle to pace with their daughters through the messy process of working through emotional things. Yet I promise you that if you don’t react to her reaction and simply make a decision to repeat back to her what you hear her saying (which is called “mirroring”), you will discover that she will go through the intensity much faster and there will much less collateral damage. She will also bond more deeply with you because she will feel that you want to understand her.

3. MENTAL SPACE:  Take time to ask questions that draw out her thoughts and feelings without interrogating her or just questioning to gather information.

Here’s what 20-year old Katie had to say, “My dad has started putting his heart out on the line for me and it has meant everything to me. He wasn’t always very good at it, but I can tell he’s trying. I guess I would say that he’s now chasing me with his love and taking the time to get to know me on a personal level by taking me on Daddy Daughter Dates (we call them “DDD”). We’ve even finally talked through some of the tough stuff in our relationship. I have come to respect my dad even more than I already did, and as a result, we’ve grown closer than I ever thought possible.”

This is a daughter whose heart opened and responded positively when her dad initiated and connected with her while he courageously talked about challenges they’d had in the past. This dad was willing to stay engaged in a hard conversation (which involved talking and listening) in order to connect with his daughter’s heart. I guess you could say that the meeting of their minds led to the meeting of their hearts. 

4. SPIRITUAL SPACE: Be willing to push through your potential discomfort and initiate praying with her about things weighing on her.

Here’s how 15-year old Lexi said it, “I know my dad isn’t as comfortable with the God stuff like my mom is, but he’s started praying with me at night and I love it. It means so much that he comes in and sits on my bed, holds my hand, and then says a prayer over me before I go to sleep. He just started doing it and though I’d feel awkward telling him this, it’s making a big difference. It makes me feel protected…and special.”

Dad, the truth is that God has given you a daughter to facilitate your own personal growth. So as your love for her pushes you out of your comfort zone, let today be a day you choose to move into her space in one of these four areas---physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual.

Because a girl with a healed heart will open it to the world around her…and she’ll always know that her dad helped make it happen.

A Father's Dilemma: Staying vs Fixing, a Guest Blog by William Sanders

Bill Sanders has become a friend of mine this year. As a courageous dad to two daughters, he shares his story here in a way that I believe will inspire you as a dad to stay dialed in to your daughter’s heart. -Michelle

“I was a broken child and dealt with things no child should have to go through. When many men would have run, he stayed. He stayed and led me through my own personal hell and he never strayed.”

When my daughter, Rachel, was 22-years old she wrote those sentences as part of an essay for her college social sciences class.

The essay started with the sentence: “The leader I admire the most is my father.”

What father wouldn’t want to hear that from his little girl?

I can assure you there were plenty of times over the years that I acted in ways that weren’t admirable. As a Christ follower, I clung to the Bible verse that said love covers a multitude of sin. I believed that I was always parenting my two girls, Rachel and Laura, out of love. I still think that’s mostly true, but to pretend I didn’t act out of selfishness at times would be just that, pretending.

So, starting from the premise that I did not always act admirably, brings me to this question: What did I do to deserve this kind of grace and love from my daughter?

I stayed.

Staying is such a boring verb, isn't it? We want to be more than stayers. As dads to daughters, we want to be heroic, larger than life, wise beyond our years. Most of all, we want to be able to fix things in our little girl’s lives.

As men, fixing is so much more appealing than just about anything else, right?

As far as being a handyman, I am lousy. I can’t fix anything around the house or on my car.

But I want to fix problems. I've wanted to fix my daughters, fix my wife, fix the neighbors (who most assuredly need fixing), and fix my waistline and hairline. It's what we men do the best. (Not fixing things, but wanting to fix things.)

Here's the rub, though. I am unqualified, unequipped, and not called on by God to fix these people or relationships. Never. I am called to be stay in the arena of their lives, to be present, to be salt and light, but not to fix. And neither are you.

Failing to fix the ones in our lives that we nobly want to fix simply leaves us exasperated and anxious. And little by little, anxiety can kill us.

I’ve been talking to men more recently about their anxieties, and about mine. I always thought I was a uniquely anxious man with a uniquely anxious family that needed, uh, fixing. But I'm not. And neither are you.

Regardless, I tried to fix Rachel. I was pretty sure she needed some well-intentioned tinkering. She had a severe anxiety disorder, one that is much better now, but it probably will always be a thorn in her side. In middle school she began having panic attacks. She became afraid to leave the house and afraid to be far away from me. I didn’t select the role of being Rachel’s emotional rock. My wife Jane didn’t ask for the role of being her logistical rock and fierce advocate for her in school.

These were the roles that Rachel assigned to us.

I became obsessed with my role, to the point of being an enabler.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines enabler as: “A person or thing that makes something possible.” I guess you could say that being her emotional rock became my identity. My happiness and wellbeing were dependent on Rachel’s happiness and wellbeing. What a horrible burden to cast upon her. What a ridiculous expectation.

Somewhere along the way, even though I knew better, I became convinced the God was calling me to become all things to Rachel. I was to be her rock, to find a way to cure/fix her, to not rest until she rested, and to carry the burden of knowing that if I failed, she’d wither on the vine and eventually slide into an inescapable shell.

I’ve never heard God speak audibly to me. I tend to look at people funny who say they’ve experienced that, though who am I to judge. But I did get a clear sense that in my spirit, God was lovingly whispering to me:

“Hey my beloved knucklehead. What are you doing to yourself? I’ve got this. I called you to stay, not be her god. Stay. Stay in her life. Stay in the arena of battle, but only to hold her close, not to win the fight for her emotional wellbeing.”

Or something like that. The Bible urges us to cast our burdens upon God and to rest in Him. I was not even close to doing either of those.

But I stayed, not only physically, but also emotionally and spiritually.

Men, staying was my calling. Yet I wanted a nobler calling. But turns out, it was plenty noble. For a dad as flawed as I was and still am, one prone to watching too much TV, who thinks he is funnier than he probably is, and occasionally says the exact wrong thing at the exact worst time, staying was enough to have my daughter call  me her hero.

I bet it might be for you and your daughter, too.

18 Ways to "Be the First" in Your Daughter's Life

So here we are once again at the beginning of a new year, that time when we all turn the page and look forward to a fresh start. Some of us might even dare to believe that anything is possible as the script for 2020 is yet to be written.

How about if you and I join forces to not only believe together for positive changes in our relationships this year, but then commit to putting that desire into action. Are you with me?

When I think about the concept of firsts, especially when it comes to fathers understanding their daughters with more precision, I want to highlight what a big deal “firsts” are for us as girls.

To prove my point, you could ask any woman when she had her first crush. [In fact, this would be a great question to ask your daughter, no matter her age.] She’ll immediately tell you because that memory is frozen in time and available for fast recall whenever prompted. 

Then you could ask her about her first kiss, her first dance, first prom, or first breakup. They’re all filed away.

Now let’s change it up a bit and address more than just romance or heartbreak.

You could ask about her first job, her first paycheck, first car or first bad grade. Yep….all stored in the vault.

Here’s how I see it. If your daughter is wired to remember firsts, then why not capitalize on that reality by being the first to do it right and get it right…all en route to her heart.

Dad, what if you made it your goal in this new year to create memories for your daughter by deciding to “be the first.”

• Be the first to tell her you love her every single day so she never has to wonder if you do.

• Be the first to choose kindness because it’s a virtue you want her to exemplify.

• Be the first to set the bar high in modeling what a good man looks like so all other men will be compared to you.

• Be the first to tell her you’re sorry.

• Be the first to show her that strong men can cry.

• Be the first to model what humility looks like.

• Be the first to write her a note telling her what you find special about her.

• Be the first to take her on an adventure.

• Be the first to buy her a “just-because” treat.

• Be the first to take her out for an extravagant meal.

• Be the first to wipe her tears and hold her in your arms when her life goes sideways. 

• Be the first to listen rather than lecture.

• Be the first to “hold her anger” without reacting harshly in return.

• Be the first to initiate deep conversations about spirituality, God, faith, politics, goals, and even your life growing up.

• Be the first to model a healthy spiritual life so she can follow your example.

• Be the first give of your time and energy to serve her.

• Be the first to invest in launching her dreams by funding a project she is passionate about.

• Be the first to applaud her successes from the front row.

Why be the first?

It’s the best way to show her what love looks like when backed by action. Better yet, she’ll relate to all other men based on what she experiences with you.

Dad…you’ve got the whole year ahead to lead the way in loving your daughter first. Decide now to make this a year of firsts, beginning by choosing one thing in the list to do today!

An Open Letter to Dads of Daughters: My Christmas Present to You

On this last blog of 2019, just five days before Christmas, I want to give you a gift from my heart to yours…a gift of words. (I know that probably isn’t exactly your first choice, and you’d much prefer a grill or a Fitbit, but this is the best I can do from afar!). I want to begin with some validation and encouragement (just in case you don’t hear it enough!), and then end with a challenge.

As a father, you no doubt have a lot of weight on your shoulders and I’m guessing that you often feel overwhelmed with all that’s expected of you, even though at times you try to ignore the intensity and immensity of that reality. (I know this because many of you have trusted me enough to tell me what this is like for you). 

And much of the time you find it easier to push away the discomfort of facing your own inadequacy so that you don’t have to sit in the space of admitting that it might actually be true  that you’re not enough. 

But if you peel back the layers and allow yourself to be honest, even vulnerable, you’ll discover that every other father is feeling the exact same way---with a sense of being less than competent, at least when it comes to relationships. Perhaps it’s most noticeable when the women in your life say they need more from you or point out areas of ineptness. And that’s when you find yourself falling into a pattern of slinking back into your shell (or, as author John Gray says, into your cave) to find safety from the perceived attack. 

But dad, you weren’t made to shrink back and hide. That’s not where you thrive. You were created to pursue and conquer, to hunt and gather. The truth is that you’re at your best when you’re taking action while proving to yourself and the world around you that you have what it takes to courageously go after the things--and people--you love and believe in. 

So here you are, living each day with a wealth of experiential knowledge, some of it amazing, and some of it painfully debilitating. Yet all of it has brought you to where you are today, shaping the way you see yourself…and everyone around you. And it’s out of the overflow of all those experiences that you parent your daughter. 

Now here’s where I’m going to go a bit deeper by addressing the “painfully debilitating” part.

Those devastating experiences, when left unhealed, lead you to believe that you don’t have it in you to live any differently or respond in ways other than the hand you were dealt. Those wounding interactions have left you stuck, which then have you repeating unhealthy relational patterns that really don’t work for you---or your daughter, for that matter.

Sadly, I meet too many deflated men who have lost their drive and ambition, especially when it comes to pursuing relationships. Somewhere along the way they’ve succumbed to the lie that they can’t be more than their history or their failures while believing that they’re destined to repeat mistakes that were modeled by their fathers. 

Truthfully, this whole way of thinking and interpersonal relating breaks my heart because I see men who have shrunk back while using self-protective strategies so as not to be hurt again, usually like they were as kids. But those strategies create distance between them and the ones who call him “dad” while also keeping their offspring from reaping the benefits of being loved by the one man whose opinion matters most. 

To make matters worse, instead of rising up to meet the challenges of fighting to maintain close relationships, men with these defaults too easily resign themselves to a position of impotence rather than being valiant pursuers and initiators, traits that I believe God created all men to embody in their DNA.

You see, when a father steps back, removes his armor, concedes before engaging, and walks away (literally or figuratively---such as when he is there physically but not emotionally), not only is he deflated, but so are his kids. Further, something disastrous happens inside of him when he believes that he doesn’t matter and instead defers to their mom. That’s when something inside him starts to atrophy. 

From observing men these past seven years since founding The Abba Project, I’ve noticed that something begins to die in a man when he believes that he can’t rise up, change, make a difference, or lead his family. Even this past weekend I talked with a dad who said he’s a terrible father and seemed resigned to that fact. I literally stood in front of him and wept. Yes, it was awkward for a minute or two, but my heart was breaking for his children…and for him…because it seemed like he was believing a lie that his story can’t be rewritten at this point in his life. 

So what do you do if you didn’t get what you needed from your dad? What if that empowering, strengthening, life-giving deposit was never transferred from your father to you? Are you forever destined to a sense of stifling inadequacy in the core of your being? I don’t believe so.

Today I stand aligned with your spirit and affirm that you are a son of the best Dad ever. 

And He as your Father makes you enough.

Don’t let another day go by where you believe the lie that you don’t have what it takes to be a great dad. With God pouring His resources of “enoughness” into your depths, you will have enough to pour into your daughter (and son).

Humbly ask for supernatural help while being open to letting your Heavenly Father fill you with His wisdom, insight, strength, courage, tenacity, tenderness, compassion, and on it goes. God says if we ask for wisdom, He’ll give it. No questions asked, no groveling, no earning His favor. It’s simply His gift.

As you pray this prayer, I guarantee that if you sit in stillness and listen, God will download ideas that will lead you to connect with the unique needs of your daughter. Spend at least five minutes waiting for the download to come, and then immediately act upon the things God tells you in order to reach the heart of your girl. You might think you’re fabricating things as you listen, but it will get much easier to trust God’s voice when you put into action the ideas He gives you and see that they work.

So even if you don’t hear it enough: You matter. And every day that you give of yourself to your daughter is a day that changes her life…and yours.

Dad, I wish you the best Christmas happiest New Year’s ever and I CELEBRATE YOU as you continue to embrace the most important job you’ll ever have: being a dad.