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Portland, OR
USA

It’s my joy and honor to equip dads with practical tools to better dial into their daughters’ hearts.

With 25 years of experience as a licensed professional counselor and over 35 years working directly with teens and young adult women. Dr. Michelle Watson brings practical wisdom to dads with daughters of all ages.

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Filtering by Category: Teenage Daughters

Closing the Dream Gap

Michelle Watson

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Over the past couple of years a new term has emerged called the ‘Dream Gap.’ You may have already heard of it, but for me this is something I just learned about recently. And because it’s rocking my world, I wanted to bring it to your attention, Dads.

Let’s start with the historical context:

In 2017 researchers from NYU, Princeton, and the University of Illinois collaborated to present findings from their ground-breaking research, revealing that by the age of five, girls quit dreaming and stop believing they can be anything they want to be or do anything they set their minds to. By contrast, boys in this age range are not experiencing the same things.

They also reported that by the age of six, girls stop associating brilliance with their gender and start avoiding activities that require what they perceive to be high levels of intelligence. Further, the more heart-breaking reality is that when these gender stereotypes regarding a lack of intellectual ability in females take root early, they are believed to have life-long negative impacts on their interests, choices, and career paths.

In other words, when girls decline involvement in activities they believe are reserved only for those who are “really, really smart,” they tend to make choices not to engage in activities where they might have otherwise flourished had they tried. And these restrictive beliefs block young girls and women from pursuing their aspirations, which researchers believe correlates to women being underrepresented in fields that value genius, such as philosophy or physics.

[You can read more about these findings at: https://bit.ly/2RWRpky]

One mom’s story:

In her blog, “Life with my Littles,” Chelsea Johnson shares her personal story around this theme: 

“I first heard about the Dream Gap back in May at Barbie headquarters, and it hit me hard. My daughter just turned four, and right now, she is such a bright, shining light in our family. She loves imagining who she can become and her dream is to become a worker (a construction worker) and a veterinarian (we’re lucky Barbie makes a vet doll and a builder doll!). One day she wants to build her own veterinary clinic. To her, anything is possible, and I want her to always believe that she can be or do anything she wants.

When I heard about the Dream Gap and what research has shown, I was terrified for her. I have friends with daughters between five and seven, and they’ve casually said things to me that have shown me that this gap is real in their daughter’s lives. I don’t want my daughter, or any other girl, to doubt her potential or to think that just because she’s a girl she can’t become who she wants to. Even if you don’t have a daughter, I’m sure you can relate to this feeling.

Yes, I can relate to this feeling because this is my story:

Sometimes people assume that I’m intelligent simply because I have letters after my name. Yet regardless of what people tell me, here is my standard response every single time someone makes a comment about my academic accomplishments: “I’m not that smart…I just work hard.”

 
Until reading this research, I hadn’t considered that I’m actually perfectly positioned inside this stereotypical norm group, mostly because of my own self-deprecating beliefs. Even more, I assumed that I would be convinced I was smart enough after …

Until reading this research, I hadn’t considered that I’m actually perfectly positioned inside this stereotypical norm group, mostly because of my own self-deprecating beliefs. Even more, I assumed that I would be convinced I was smart enough after graduating with my doctorate, which included doing my own research, then writing and defending my dissertation.

 

But unfortunately, I wouldn’t say that there has been a positive shift in this area in the last decade. So here I am as an educated woman who still doesn’t fully believe that I have enough intellect to be considered truly intelligent.

The crazy thing is that I don’t even know what enough would look like if I had it. I just know that I don’t believe I have as much as I possibly could have.

Did you notice how many times I used the word enough? I assure you that I don’t believe I’m dumb. In fact, I know I have smarts. It’s more that I don’t think I’m smart enough.

You’re probably a step ahead of me and can see that this statement elicits a follow-up question: Smart enough for what or smart enough in comparison to whom? Do you see how relative all of this is and how nebulous these concepts are? What does ‘enough’ even mean in practical terms?

I have an answer.

I was never as smart as Stephanie Weirson, a girl who was in my class from grade school through high school. And it seemed that every time we had a test, she finished long before I was even to the half way point. Solidifying her elevated position in my mind, she was always at the top of the leader board when our grades came out. So Ms. Weirson became my internalized standard against which I measured myself and she was always ahead of me because somehow I linked speed of responses to IQ. Yet now that I say it out loud, I realize how absurd that is!

I have honestly never said any of this out loud quite like this…until now. So here I am admitting that somewhere along the way I adopted a skewed “grid for smartness” and it has gone unchallenged and uncontested…until now.

I’m reluctant to admit this, but the reality is that I self-deprecate as much as the next woman even though, on the outside, no one would guess that I do.

As a result, I’ve been believing a lie that hasn’t been broken because it’s never been spoken.

Defining the ‘Dream Gap’ in more detail:

In response to the study I mentioned at the start of this blog, Mattel launched a global campaign just three months ago called the ‘Dream Gap Project.’ Their goal is to close the gap that stands between girls and their full potential through raising awareness of gender biases and stereotypes that are placed on them at a young age, reinforced primarily by the media and from subtle messages by adults. Thus, they are encouraging girls to counter their self-limiting beliefs by dreaming for more while reaching for the stars.

On their website, Mattel boldly states their motivation behind this initiative:

“The Dream Gap is a crisis not only because it robs girls of the ability to value themselves in an essential context. Dreaming is the key to a future in which more than 80 percent of jobs are STEM-related [Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math], and so we are all robbed. Simply put, dreaming, if we define that term as imagining new possibilities, exploring new worlds and thinking new thoughts, is what makes innovation and new breakthroughs possible.”

In this short video [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpLT8bEQ78A], a group of adorable young girls collectively use their voices to define the ‘Dream Gap’ in this way:

 
“Starting at age five, girls stop believing they can be presidents, scientists, astronauts, big thinkers, engineers, CEOs, and the list goes on. Why? Because what else are we going to believe when we are three times less likely to be given a science…

“Starting at age five, girls stop believing they can be presidents, scientists, astronauts, big thinkers, engineers, CEOs, and the list goes on. Why? Because what else are we going to believe when we are three times less likely to be given a science-related toy…and when our parents are twice as likely to Google ‘Is my son gifted?’ than ‘Is my daughter gifted?’ That’s not cool.”

 

Keeping true to their word to increase purposeful dreaming in girls through imaginative play, Mattel recently announced their Girl of the Year as Luciana Vega, whom they describe as a creative, confident 11-year old girl and aspiring astronaut who dreams of being the first person to go to Mars!”

I am excited that empowered role models are being shown to young girls that invite them to think outside of a stereotypical box as they hold dolls that embody intelligence and strength. This sentiment is reinforced by the little girls in the above-mentioned video as they say:

“We need to see brilliant women being brilliant. And see how they got to where they there. To imagine ourselves doing what they do. But we can’t do it alone. Mom, dads, brothers, bosses, we need all of you to help. We need to close the dream gap. It’s up to all of us.”

How a Dad Can Help Close the ‘Dream Gap’:

You may feel like there’s very little you can do to override the powerful undertow of our cultural tide that comes against your daughter with negative messages that attack the very qualities that you seek to see displayed in her. You may believe your efforts are futile to successfully celebrate your daughter’s creativity, brilliance, optimism, vision, and passion when she isn’t always met with the same enthusiasm and support outside of your home.

As a dad you have the privilege of standing in the gap for your daughter so she can hear your affirming voice above the rest. You get to speak life into her spirit and applaud her uniqueness by supporting her dreams and goals (even if they’re different than the dreams and goals you have for her.)

This is where we as girls and women need YOU, our dads, to:

  1. Challenge us to face our fears

  2. Let us know that it’s okay to be afraid through this process of honing our vision

  3. Remind us that in your eyes we’re a winner when we give our best, even if we don’t win first prize

  4. Believe that we’re enough when we don’t believe that we are

  5. Run alongside us while we’re learning to dream beyond our natural limitations

  6. Coach us with wisdom about the fact that character is proven when we get back up after we fall

  7. Cheer us on with your unwavering support as you speak life-breathing words into us

  8. Repeat the truth that success is in the journey, not just in the outcome

  9. Tell us that you’re proud of us and love us no matter what

And, Dad, if you want one more idea to help your daughter close the dream gap, I encourage you to invite her to write a list of TEN OUTRAGEOUS THINGS SHE WISHES SHE HAD THE NERVE TO DO. Then have her date and sign it.

A decade ago I wrote out my list of ten outrageous things and one of them was “to write a book.” It seemed like a crazy impossibility at the time, but then in 2014 my first book was released. So I speak from personal experience when I say: Dream it and do it!

For extra dad points, you can create your own list, modeling to your daughter that you’re never too old to set new goals and think forward in expanding normal limits. This list can also serve as a prayer guide as you agree with God to support your daughter to live beyond her natural limits as she is released into his supernatural calling on her life!

Dad, you can help to close the dream gap today by standing in the gap with your daughter.

Helping Your Daughter Live With An Open Heart

Michelle Watson

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 (Hey everyone…I know this is heavier-weighted content, but hang in there…I promise it will be worth it!)

Every once in awhile a speaker will communicate truth in such a way that it literally touches a core place inside the listener. Dr. Larry Crabb has been one of those truth-speakers into my life. I’ll never forget hearing him speak a few years ago where his insights were so impactful that I chewed on what he said for days, culminating in my telling him through tears the impact of his words on my soul and spirit.

The reason I’m sharing this with you today as a dad of a daughter is to empower you to guard and protect, lead, and champion your daughter’s heart with increasing precision because her open heart is her lifeline to health, vitality, purpose, and vision. I believe this will give you insight into why it’s vital that your daughter’s heart stay open in order to be the woman God created her to be.

Here is the essence of Dr. Larry’s seminar on gender:

In Genesis 2 when Adam first saw Eve, he called her “iyshah,” a female form of the word for man, “iysh.”  However, in Genesis 1:26 and 27 when God says, “Let us make mankind in our own image…male and female He created them,” these are two different Hebrew words to denote gender. “Zakar” is used for male and “nequebah” for female. 

During his talk Dr. Larry said, “I don’t think you women are necessarily going to like the meaning of the word for female, but here it is: Nequebah literally means punctured, bored through.”  Hmmm…that was indeed a very unexpected, odd definition of the word in my opinion. Our collective responses in the room led most of us to turn toward each other with puzzled looks on our faces.

He then took us to 2 Kings 12:9 where we read that King Joash commissioned Jehoiada, the high priest, to “nequebah” the lid of a box for use as a container of money for repairing the temple. The box was opened as a vessel that was used for God’s purposes.

 

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Dr. Larry further explained that “nequebah” means “to be opened while arranging yourself consistently for a larger purpose than you.” I LOVED hearing that!  My spirit began to awaken with curiosity as I was now intrigued and wanted to hear more.

Bridging this concept then to Jesus on the cross, he noted that it was literally this act of being punctured and bored through that demonstrated Jesus’ openness to God’s larger purpose both in Him and through Him. Clearly Jesus understood and lived out the meaning of surrendered openness as a reflection of the depth of relationship He had with His Father. He modeled the beauty of submission, surrender, obedience and openness.  

Even today I continue to ponder this truth that Jesus made the choice to suffer and die by allowing Himself to be punctured and bored through. And I still am overcome with emotion as I celebrate the reality of Christ’s selfless love, a love that has truly aligned itself with the core of who I am as a woman. I had never thought of Jesus’ death on the cross in this way before.

I see now---according to this definition---that Jesus has fully identified with me as a woman (since God, the Three-in-one, isn’t gender specific) and I revel in knowing that He still connects with me as a female in this way.

The reality for me, a woman with an abuse history---where I have been taken advantage of, violated, and overpowered by more than one man---has been to activate instinctual self-protection whenever I don’t feel safe. In fact, throughout a bulk of the first four decades of my life I would often put up an invisible internal wall out of fear that I would be “punctured” again. Sometimes those walls have been literal (where I’d create physical distance) whereas at other times it was an unspoken barrier that people would feel around me that gave them the message that I wasn’t available or open to relating.

 

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The truth is that I used to feel threatened as a result of someone activating or bumping up against my deep-seeded fears. It used to tap into my core terror of being crushed or bored through or stolen from. I can tell you honestly that in those instances I never intended to be brash or harsh. But when I was triggered, my openness would close off and I would go into fight-or-flight mode.

I know that God longs for me to reconnect with His original design for me as a woman, one who is open and vulnerable, willing to be used by Him to impact others by inviting them also to respond with openness.

I have found that by welcoming people into my heart, my life, and my home, I experience the redemption of God’s original purpose for me as a woman: one who lives vulnerably without fear, all the while being open and released to give and receive only what is for God’s purposes. 

And from this incredible place of healing and freedom, the walls of self-protection are no longer needed when I focus on Him as my Protector.

Dr. Larry closed by giving us one of the most incredible definitions of being a woman that I have ever heard:

“A beautiful woman is so at rest in God’s delight in her that she enjoys her undamageable beauty such that she invites others to connect and relate openly not guardedly, invitingly not controllingly, courageously not defensively---to encourage another to be consumed by God’s beauty at any cost to herself so that she can reveal God to His community.”

As a father, why not use these words to guide your prayers for your daughter so she can connect to her beautiful female essence while reflecting the God who made her in His image!

 

Approachable Parenting by guest author Andrea Lucado

Michelle Watson

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Some people might assume that my family is "extra holy" because my dad is Max Lucado, pastor and author of books such as He Chose the Nails, He Still Moves Stones and Six Hours One Friday.  People might even think that my family sat around at night and listened to Dad practice his sermons and then rose early every morning to read our Bibles before school.

While there was certainly Bible reading and sermon writing in the Lucado household, my experience growing up probably looked similar to that of many other kids who grew up in a Christian home. There were days of laughter and love — and days of fighting, drama and rebellion. Being Lucados did not make us immune to these things.

My two sisters and I provided the typical array of parenting issues for my mom and dad: attitude problems, arguing, back talk, and eventually, drinking, boys and sneaking out. But these were not parent fails; these were human fails. Because I am a sinner, raised by sinners, I was going to sin and do dumb things — especially during adolescence.

Some adolescent behaviors are inevitable, and I don't believe parents have much control over them. What they do have control over is their response. My parents were careful with how they chose their responses. My sisters and I subconsciously understood this: Our parents are approachable. They love us and will forgive us, but we will have to learn from our mistakes.

This parenting approach was illustrated beautifully for me when I was 16 years old. During a time in my life when I had doubts about my faith and a strong desire to be popular, I was spending the night at a friend's house and we decided it would be a great idea to sneak out without her parents' knowledge. We wanted to meet up with boys . . . who were smoking marijuana.

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Although we didn't get caught, the next day my friend — in a bout of desperation or guilt — admitted to her mom what we had done. Her mom then called me and said she would have to tell my parents if I didn't confess to them first.

Most teens might squirm, bargain, deny or do whatever they could to avoid an open confession to their parents. I considered those options and then determined that confession was my best option. I'm certain I was able to do this because of the environment in which my parents had raised me.

Approachability

At first I was afraid to confess my rebellion to my parents, but 16 years of experience had taught me that they were approachable. Whenever I walked into my dad's office, he would look away from what he was doing and give me his full attention. Whenever my mom was cooking dinner, I would sit at the kitchen island and vent about what happened at school that day, and she would listen. When I needed my parents to listen, they were always available.

With this confidence, I walked into my parents' room, preparing myself for honesty and bracing myself for consequences.

Grace

I talked to my mom first. She was sitting in her prayer chair, where I could always find her in the mornings and at various times throughout the day. I sat in the chair opposite her (my dad's prayer chair) and before I could say a word, I began to cry — somewhat hysterically. I was ashamed and afraid of disappointing her. Eventually, through broken speech, I told my mom the full story. And then I kept going. I told her about the other times I had sneaked out of the house. I told her about the parties I had been going to and lying about. I told her that I drank sometimes and that I knew I was rebelling, but God felt so distant that I didn't know what else to do. 

As I confessed, my mom began to cry with me. Her eyes were kind, and even though I could see she was hurting, she listened for as long as I needed to talk.

In my mom's gentle reaction to my confessions, I knew she understood. What I feared would horrify or devastate her did not. She, too, had been a teenager faced with temptations, and she did not think I was doomed. Her tears were grace to me.

Discipline

Of course, the conversation with my mom was not the end of things. I knew there would be consequences because my parents had always disciplined my sisters and me. Rules were rules in our house.

After my dad came home from work that night and heard the full story, he sat me down and asked a few questions: Why did you do it? What were you hoping would happen? How well did you know these guys? 

He listened to my pitiful responses and then explained how my behavior had not only broken the rules, but had also endangered me. He told me that I, as a 16-year-old, had not considered the risks of spending time with people I hardly knew and who smoked pot. My dad always wanted his daughters to understand the reasons behind the boundaries he and Mom had set.

With a calm yet stern voice, he detailed my punishment. I was grounded for three weeks, and I was to stay away from certain influential friends for a yet-to-be-determined amount of time. He assured me that he loved me, but I had broken his and Mom's trust, and when that happens, restoration is in order.

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Restoration

Because my parents had established a home of grace where they listened and were slow to react (James 1:19), my heart was transformed. Rather than growing distant or angry with my parents, I actually did what so many parents demand: I thought about what I had done.

That's when I realized that I didn't like the "bad-girl" gig. I wasn't any good at it, and I wanted the real me back. I wanted Jesus back, too. I wanted my faith to be as strong as it had been before. It took some time, but I was on the path toward the restoration of my parents' trust and restoration in my relationship with Christ.

The journey, though not perfect, was made possible by parents who were approachable, extended grace in abundance and disciplined in love.

 

Andrea Lucado is a freelance writer based in Austin, Texas. This article first appeared in the October/November 2015 issue of Thriving Family magazine. She has recently released her first book, English Lesson: The Crooked Path of Growing Toward Faith.

Copyright © 2015 by Andrea Lucado. Used by permission.

 

Dads are Thermostats, not Thermometers: Lessons from a Military Dad

Michelle Watson

Jackson Drumgoole is a field grade Army officer and the senior force management advisor to the Commanding General of the 7th Infantry Division on Joint Base Lewis McChord. Today he shares two of his top goals as a father of three girls.

As a dad with three daughters - one 12-year-old and two 9-year-olds - I am learning as I go, just like you. And having been in the Army now for 22 years, I find that the learning process for me as a father looks a lot like life in the military with a mix of challenges and defeats, successes and victories.

I know as fathers it’s easy to bring home the stress of our jobs, even though we know that it never bears positive dividends when we do. Here are a couple of proactive strategies I’ve found that help to support putting my love for my girls into action.

This first goal focuses on my interactions with them while the second centers on me.

1. Divide and comfort vs. divide and conquer

I have discovered that when my pre-teen "snaps" or acts condescending towards her younger siblings in my presence I address it immediately. Oftentimes, I make sharp corrections in order to deescalate the situation, which typically goes like this,

“Honey...is that your best response?”
“Does that sound like something that I or your mother would say or do?”
“NO-DUMPING-BUCKETS!”

Everyone in the house already knows that this means to never intentionally demean another person. We are constantly teaching respect, honor, and esteem in our home during times of peace.  

Nevertheless, at the first opportunity, I separate my little ladies for "age appropriate" counseling, comforting, and family reconciliation. What's so interesting for me is learning how well they each articulate their desire to be respected by the other siblings.‬

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My wife and I have laid a tremendous amount of groundwork, as a married couple of 15 years, in modeling proper conflict management. We also stress the importance of maintaining family integrity and respect.

Additionally, because my two 9-year-old daughters so admire their big sister and desire to be valued and respected by her as a peer, I simply use the power of the word “remember.” When interacting with my 12-year-old, I may say,

"Do you remember how you felt when you were 9 years old and...”

This automatically shifts her from a defensive posture and places her in a mentoring role. When interacting with my 9-year-olds, I may say,

"Remember, you girls will be pre-teens very soon and...”

This gives them a sense of hope, and they immediately start giggling and celebrating with youthful optimism.

I must also remember that these little ones are simply flesh and blood looking to be accepted, seeking to be adored, and longing to be appreciated. It is my honor to be able to provide that for them.

My heart’s desire, as a father, is to foster an atmosphere of love, respect, and cohesion while creating amazing memories for my children. It is essential that each of them know that I am here to not only protect them physically, but emotionally as well.

2. Pull over

After a long stressful day at work, I so look forward to jumping in my car, turning on a podcast or favorite song and getting home as quickly as possible. There is always so much on my mind and it seems impossible to turn off: deadlines, presentations, the next “thing to do,” questions, doubts, things to coordinate, things to uncoordinate…my head is spinning just thinking about it and I know that I am not alone.

I often find myself taking my stress home and downloading on unsuspecting loved ones. What used to be an everyday routine family reunion when I came home, turned into a run-for-cover-retreat event for the kiddos. For my family’s sake, I found something helpful that I would love to share. It’s very simple and takes as long or as short as you’d like. 

Simply pull the car over. 

David Code, author of Kids Pick Up On Everything: How Parental Stress Is Toxic To Kids, suggests the most critical thing that we transmit to our kids is not our declaration of love, but to provide them with a sense of calm and the absence of stress. Code suggests that stress causes our little ones to accommodate for these vague senses of impending danger which impede normal brain development. 

Code claims that in the famous rat experiments, what’s being transmitted from mother to pup is not love, it’s peace: “By spending a lot of time grooming her pups, the mother rat is saying to them, ‘times are so good and predator-and stress-free that I have lots of time to lick you guys.’” The same reasoning applies to dads, minus the licking.

This is a part of our protection and preparing plan. Code recommends creating calm around them so that they feel no sense of danger.  

Now instead of going straight home, I’ve found that it helps to:

  • pull over and decompress

  • put things in perspective

  • walk into the house creating an atmosphere of calm, safety, peace, and protection.

Proverbs 15:4 reminds us that the soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit. 

Remember Dads, we are thermostats not thermometers.

Guest Blog: Teaching Your Daughter to Stand Up to You

Michelle Watson

Join me in welcoming guest blogger, Jim Jackson, co-founder of Connected Families, and a leader in promoting healthy families.  

Early in life it became clear that my little girl, Bethany, loved pleasing people. If what she wanted was not what others wanted, she'd give in to the energy of whomever it was she was eager to please. This is a great trait when obedience to a parent was the issue, but not so great when it came to standing up for herself on the playground. For a short season I would figuratively pat myself on the back whenever Bethany quickly and willingly did what I asked. What a great parent I was! Or not.

Maybe the way kids respond to our parenting is not as much about our great (or not so great) parenting as it is about the combination of their personality, developmental stage, and in Bethany's case, fear of disappointing.

As I thought more deeply about it, I realized that in order to keep the peace and please people, Bethany would say yes to things that it might be best for her to say no to. For example, her grandma used to love to give Bethany a big kiss every time she saw her. Not just any kiss, but a big sloppy wet kiss. I knew that Bethany hated how this felt, but that she was more interested in pleasing Gramma than in standing up for herself. So she'd let Gramma kiss her, and then get anxious every time it was time to visit Gramma.

At first I didn't think it was a significant issue. But as I looked into her future it occurred to me that the sooner Bethany learned to stand up for herself when appropriate, the stronger she would be to set good boundaries for herself as she grew up. So I invented the "not the way it works" game.

The inspiration for the game came from Gramma, who before kissing 5-year-old Bethany would say, "If you love me, you'll give me a big kiss!" See what she did there? Of course Bethany wanted no part of not loving Gramma, so she'd oblige, even though she didn't like the kiss. Imagine how this could play out over time with others - particularly with young men. Not that any young man would ever use that phrase on my precious offspring - but just in case - the "not the way it works" game was born.

It started out simply enough. "Bethany" I'd say from the comfort of my recliner, "If you love me, you'll go get me a blanket." She'd bring the blanket and then I'd say, "Good. Now, if you love me, you'll give me a big kiss!" and I'd pucker up. I could see the discomfort of her tension, wanting to please, but not wanting my spit on her face. Just as she reluctantly turned my way I'd say, "Bethany. It's OK to say no to this if you don't want a kiss because you can love me but not kiss me. So give it a try."

It was hard for her at first, so I kept coaching her, several times a week, to say, "I love you daddy, but that's not the way it works!" I did it with fetching slippers, or scratching my back. Little by little she became more comfortable saying no.

The big test came when it was time to go to Gramma's. I worked with Bethany to respectfully let Gramma know that she was loved, but that Bethany didn't want a kiss. Bethany practiced, "I love you Gramma, but that's not the way it works. Can we just hug instead?" We high-fived!

When it was time Bethany followed the script perfectly. Gramma seemed hurt and later asked, why won't Bethany kiss me? I encouraged her to ask Bethany directly, which she did. Bethany responded, "I don't like lip kisses. I just like hugs." That seemed good enough for Gramma and has never been an issue since, and Bethany stopped being anxious about going to Gramma's.

Over the years I have played the "If you love me" game less frequently. Even into her 20's I'd play it once in awhile as a throwback, and Bethany still answers with confidence, "That's not the way it works!" The best news is that when pressed by young men to do things she’d rather not do she gives the same answer - with confidence.

I realize in the writing of this that there is a fine line between obeying parents and being manipulated by parents. Using this strategy over the years helped me better define that line and stay respectful not just of Bethany but of all three of my kids when making parental requests.

Today, Bethany has a healthy view of authority and sets good boundaries for herself in relationships of all kinds. She'd tell you today that she still struggles a bit with people-pleasing, but that it's never gotten her in any regrettable trouble. And she’ll also tell that Lynne and I both helped her learn what love without strings is all about, and she’s now making great relationships choices as she forges her way through life.

Jim Jackson and his wife, Lynne’s, ministry purpose is to inspire and equip parents to embody God’s grace and truth in compelling ways. Learn more about their ministry at www.connectedfamilies.org or check out their recent book, Discipline that Connects with Your Child’s Heart.

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