25 Things A Daughter Needs From Her Dad

As you probably know, I am a first time author.  The part you may not know, however, is that I never set out to be an author.  That part just kind of happened.

One thing I was clear about from the start was that I wanted to write a book that would be a field manual for dads.  I hoped it would appeal to a wide range of men, from those who like to read all the way to those who don’t care too much for books or have the time but want answers that yield positive, guaranteed results in relating to their daughters.  

And the best part now is that I have the privilege of hearing feedback from dads who are putting things into action and seeing a significant turn around in their relationship with their daughters!  Three words:  ALL WORTH IT!

When the book title was finally selected---Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You:  A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart---I decided to do a little of my own field research, a bit of data collection, I guess you could say.  I started by asking this question to as many girls and women as I could find:

What do you really need from your dad?

Then I added a short addendum to my request: 

“This is your opportunity to use your voice to help dads across America by answering this question and telling me the top five things you really need from your dad. Feel free to pass this on to any women you know who may want to help me gather information.”

Not only did the responses start pouring in, but surprisingly, women took me up on my suggestion and started sending the questionnaire to their friends and family.  I honestly hadn’t expected that level of enthusiastic response!  

The youngest participant was nine years old while the oldest was 89, again reflecting the relevance of this topic to girls and women across the lifespan. This question seemed to spark something in the hearts of females that spurred them to want their voices to be heard.  

So here is a profound look inside the inner world of women.  I trust that you’ll hear their hearts and not just see a list of entitled requests from demanding females. 

The truth is that these aren’t just wants.  These are needs.  Their honest, heartfelt feedback is here to let you know what girls and women are really thinking and what they are really longing for from their dads.

Here are the 25 most mentioned things that a daughter really needs from her dad:

1. Time (“To show interest and involvement in my life,” “To be available”)

2. Affirmation (“Approval,” “Praise,” “Hear him say out loud, ‘I love you’”)

3. Affection (“Hugs,” “Physical touch”)

4. Unconditional love (“For who I am regardless of my failures”)

5. Apologize

6. Be proud of me (“To know I’m not a disappointment to him,” “No judgment,” “Less criticism,” “Faith in me”)

7. Tell me I’m beautiful (“Compliment me, especially about my looks”)

8. Talk to me and open up about himself, his pain, his faults, his hopes (“Let me see that he is human, that he fails, that he makes mistakes, and then show me how to make it right,” “Time alone where I get to know him and his childhood”)  

9. Pursue me (“Desire to get to know me,” “Interactive conversation where he is asking me questions about myself,” “To actively seek me out and find out what I am doing, what I am interested in, WHO I am”)

10. Prayers

11. To work on his temper so I can feel safe (“Not to crush my spirit”)

12. Not to change me (“To let me be me,” “Be accepted for myself—not for what I did or failed to do”)

13. Honesty (“I need him to be honest with himself. When he's honest with himself, it frees him to be honest with me”)

14. Just listen

15. Guidance

16. Protection

17. Sense of humor

18. Teach me about things

19. Be an adventurer…with me 

20. Instead of not being there, please be there (“Instead of handing me money, ask to come with me and take me shopping or out to lunch”)

21. Tell me you love being my dad

22. Believe in me

23. Never give up on our family

24. Show me how a real man treats a woman

25. Support my ideas and dreams

Raw. Vulnerable. Honest.  And every single response comes from a daughter’s heart longing for connection and relationship with dad coupled with love and affirmation from dad.  

My deep and passionate desire is for dads across America and the world to step up and step in to their roles as fathers.  We can’t go one more day without every dad being all that his daughter needs him to be in her life. Because a daughter who knows she is loved and adored by her dad will pass along that same gift to the next generation.  

Dad, I implore you to take five things from this list, the ones that most strongly resonate with your core values, and put them into action right away.  

Be the dad your daughter needs you to be…today.  

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Romance & Royalty: The Girls Tell All (A Valentine's Blog)

With tomorrow being Valentine's Day, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to give you an all-access pass behind the curtain of a girl’s heart from the vantage point of a few courageous girls who are sharing their thoughts.

Romance and royalty. I wonder what it is about these two concepts that strike a chord in most every girl regardless of her age, locale, ethnicity, or socioeconomic status. These themes are woven through the deepest places of her heart, tied together with a cord of vulnerability that is beautiful and fragile all at the same time.  

Perhaps some of the reason that we girls are drawn to romance and royalty is because God made us that way, at the place where we long to open our hearts and lives to both of these realities.

We seem to have this intense, legitimate longing for the world to see that we’re valuable and amazing, and we think that if we are chosen by a guy or if we have an official title (“girlfriend,” “wife”), then it announces to everyone that we are worthy and incredible. This innate desire to be chosen by the handsome prince is a theme that is usually awakened in childhood and then grows in intensity as we age. 

You see, somewhere along the line we have come to believe that if a guy picks us as his girlfriend, and later his wife, then we are the prize, his prize.

I want you now to hear from girls who are between the ages of 13 and 30 as they give you a glimpse inside their minds and hearts on this theme of romance and royalty.  This will not only give you insight into your what your daughter may be thinking and feeling, but you can use these questions to open up deeper conversations with her.

“If I’m not a size two in stilettos and a pencil skirt, will I still find the perfect man?”

“I learned that you had to be physically beautiful to obtain those princess dreams.”

“It seems that being pretty or beautiful is a necessary trait of being viewed as a princess. Movies tend to portray that the beautiful ones are the ones who get pursued and are desired.”

“Being pretty is very important. It takes you a distance in life. It’s not fair, but it’s true. Being feminine is beautiful and valuable.”

”You have to be able to sing and dance well.  The usual, like you have to be skinny and beautiful and kind to everyone. And that you need a man to save you (totally kidding on that last part, but that is kind of what Disney movies teach).”

“Girls have to dress provocatively or scandalously in order to catch a man’s attention – showing more skin is good. I don’t like that idea, and try my best not to conform to it...but it does make me wonder if those portrayals are a reality.”

“Maybe reach out to see how I’m doing more consistently instead of the other way around.”

“I think one of the biggest things is that he helps me to see my strength, my beauty, my talent, my uniqueness, and that he shows me that I am a woman to be cherished and pursued by doing just that.”

“Anything my dad does to just let me know he is thinking about me or wants to spend time with me means a lot and makes me feel honored, like a princess.”

“Maybe talking to me would be a good start.”

“I want to exchange ideas and learn from him.” 

“Laugh out loud more. My dad has so much stress and so I try and make him laugh. He might smile, but when he laughs I do feel special and that he enjoys me.”

“Embrace my individual attributes. I don’t want to be like anyone else and you don’t want a robot for a daughter.”

“Don’t tell me what not to do.  Positive reinforcement is so much more effective.”

“To hear him say that I’m beautiful would be great. I’ve never heard him remark on my appearance in a positive way.”

“Encourage my dreams---no matter how outlandish, or even if it’s not the dream you have for me.”

“He always seems too busy with his laptop or his cell phone to enjoy a conversation with me. He’s a great listener, but I wonder if he just does it so I’ll eventually shut up. When I try to ask about him he doesn’t want to talk about it. I’d love for him to open up about his life in an honest and real way. I want him to be present.”

“Talk to me, encourage me to seek my passions without dampening the vision with too much practicality.”

“I think the best a dad could do is to verbally express what he thinks of his daughter (whether that is internal beauty or external beauty).”

“The only thing that I can think of is accepting me completely as I am...flaws and all.”

“Just to hear his honesty about what he thinks about me and when he thinks about me makes me feel all of those things.”

“He could just out of nowhere, and for no reason send a little letter or note or message saying that he loves me, thinks I am special, accepts me and enjoys who I am.”

Summing up, your daughter longs to be:

• Chosen

• Accepted

• Wanted

• Desired

• Loved

• Pursued 

• Enjoyed

• Special

• Unique

The ways you can make her feel all those things are to:

• Initiate dates (one on one time with her)

• Protect and shield her heart (allow her to feel/talk while listening and supporting her)

• Affirm her beauty (compliments, validating her unique look and style)

• Regularly choose her over sports, work, hobbies, technology (a.k.a. distractions)

• Embrace her femininity (show and express your happiness in her as your daughter)

• Treat her with respect, chivalry, honor (be the man you want her to marry)

• Enjoy her (laugh with her, listen to her, celebrate her interests and giftings)

• Enter into adventures with her (join in mutual activities where bonding happens)

• Everyday let her know she’s beautiful, smart, and wonderful just the way she is

It’s “T minus 24” until it’s Valentine's Day. That gives you just enough time to buy chocolates or flowers, a card or stuffed animal, a donut or cookie, all to let your daughter experience what it’s like to have her heart engaged while feeling like a princess by the best guy on the planet: YOU!

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Thinking Backward

If you’ve ever played sports (which I assume includes all of you in one way or another), you know that every single time you step onto the field or court, you always know where the goal is. Always.

The goal has everything to do with the direction you run, the points you make (or miss), and whether you win or lose.

The energy you expend is always oriented toward the goal because that’s where the points are. That’s what counts.

Without a clear goal, you can’t play the game.

Without a clear goal, you can’t win the game.

With your daughter, it’s the same way.

As you think about “the game you’re playing” (I’m using game as a metaphor to capture the essence of the interpersonal dynamic between the two of you, not as something fake in your relationship), are you clear about the goal you have in your relationship with her?

I can’t think of too many dads I’ve met who are clear about the goal or outcome they are shooting for with their daughter. Maybe a general idea, but not a specific goal.

And for a goal to work, it has to be clear, specific, measurable, and achievable.

Dad, I ask you this: Have you taken the time to honestly and directly state for yourself your goals as a father with your daughter?

Using the sports analogy above, it may help to think of it like this: If your end goal is to launch your daughter at the age of 18 as a healthy, confident, authentic, clear-minded, and vibrant young woman who is ready to take on the world, what are you currently doing to help her get there? Or let’s break it down further, what is your "halftime assessment plan" if she is nine years old and you’re about half way there?

I’m going to add one more layer to this concept of goal setting with your daughter. I call it thinking backward.

This time I recommend that you think about not just the here and now, but also about the future. It can be a new way of looking at the present by imagining the end of your life and thinking backward from then to now. I’m not trying to be morbid. Just stating a reality that we all have to face.

We all leave a legacy. One way or another, we leave an imprint.

So I invite you to ask yourself a tough question, one that will allow you to be brutally honest with yourself while sitting in the reality that you are leaving a legacy for good or bad, whether you want to or not.

What do you want your legacy to look like? For real.

You will literally change the course of history through your active engagement with your daughter at the heart level. She will carry you with her after you leave this earth. Your legacy will live on through her in proportion to your heart investment in her.

Though you won’t be around forever physically, you will be around forever in the deposit you leave in your daughter’s life. A theory in the field of psychology claims that some adults have an internalized parent who lives on inside them. Long after that parent is gone, the adult child may still seek to please the parent who is no longer around to see the performance. So again I ask you: What are you doing now to make sure your daughter hears your encouraging, supportive, loving, grace-filled, validating, inspiring, and motivating voice in her head forever?

Carefully consider the following statement, and then finish the sentence in your own words:

Looking at the response you just wrote, is it a head response or a heart response? I know you wrote a heart response. How do I know that? Because every dad I’ve ever invited to finish this sentence has written a heart response.

Here are some of the things I’ve heard dads say they hope their daughters would say about them at the end of their lives:

“There isn’t anything he wouldn’t do or give for me, even at a cost to himself.”

“I never doubted his love for me.”

“I knew he adored me.”

“He loved the Lord with all his heart and soul, and he loved me in the same way.”

Dad, if I could take one more minute of your time I want to encourage you to take what you wrote in the box above and break it down into three action steps. (Remember that action heroes have to take action in order to be a hero.)

For example, if you wrote that you want your daughter to know you love her, write HOW your love will look. Be specific. You might write something like this:

1. I will drive her to school every Friday while stopping at Starbucks on the way so we have a tradition that is ours and ours alone.

2. I will take her on a dad-daughter date once a month as a way to let her know by my actions that she is worth my time, money, and energy.

3. I will write her a letter every year on her birthday to tell her the exact ways I’ve seen her grow in that year while making sure she hears why she is special to me.

Do you see how the concept of love grew legs by the action plan that accompanied it?

I trust that this exercise of thinking backwards will be one that now guides your action steps in the present. I’m cheering you on from here. Go Dad!

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Guest Post for The National Center for Fathering

It’s such an honor to be invited to the team as a regular blogger for the National Center for Fathering.  This blog is adapted from one I posted a few months ago where I share ideas on what NOT to do if you want to be a dialed-in dad. I'll let you read a little here, but be sure to click the link to to keep reading! 

"Being a dad who stays the course with your daughter is easier said than done, right? Let’s be honest, when she was younger and used less words, she was easier to track with. But as she has matured and grown, so have her needs and wants … and words! That’s often where you dads get overwhelmed and lost.

And just in case you’re wondering why a woman is writing and telling men what to do in the area of fathering, I want you to know that I have such a high regard for your role as a father that I have invested hundreds of hours into helping dads connect with their daughters. After five years of leading The Abba Project (a group forum for dads), speaking to male and female audiences, and 35 years of interacting with girls and young women in roles as counselor, mentor, and friend (in addition to being the oldest of four girls!), my heart desire is to help your decode your daughters. I’m addressing this from the inside, I guess you could say..."

To keep reading, head over to The National Center for Fathering's site here!

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Dad, Here are Your Lines

By now I’m sure you’ve heard me share one of the most significant things I’ve discovered about men over the last five years in leading The Abba Project. It’s simply this:

Men would rather do nothing than do it wrong.

But that’s not the whole story. Now I’m ready to update that observation after spending time with over 70 dads who have eagerly invested in becoming the best fathers they can be through this nine-month process:

Men are ready to do something as long as it connects with what or who they’re passionate about and as long as they have the template to succeed.

This is where I come in. As a woman it is my desire to equip and support you as a dad to hit it out of the ballpark in the area of fathering your daughters. I want to help you to decode your daughters because I know we girls can be confusing. And once you’ve figured out the key to our hearts, you’ll have this locked in!

Here’s how it works as a win/win: Just read the scripts I give you and if it bombs, blame me. I’ll be your fall guy. So there’s no way you can do it wrong! And if you’re anything like the dads I’ve walked alongside, once you see the positive responses from your daughter, you’ll be convinced that this works.

If you’re ready to kick it up a notch and daily invest in the heart space of your daughter, I want to give you the decoder version of how we girls understand and translate your responses to us. This underscores why I believe that YOU DAD are a key to building your daughter’s confidence and identity. (I’m attaching a pdf of this list at the end of this blog, so you can print it out and use it as a daily reminder).

Here goes:

If you, dad, laugh at her jokes, she tells herself, “I’m funny.”

If you discuss politics and world events with her, she tells herself, “I’m interesting.”

If you draw her out, asking her opinion about a fact, theory or line of thought, she tells herself, “I’m knowledgeable.”

If you ask for her help to fix something, she tells herself, “I’m capable.”

If you ask her to help you brainstorm about buying a present for mom, she tells herself, “I’m clever.”

If you applaud her for her achievements in sports, grades, music or work, she tells herself, “I’m competent.”

If you enthusiastically affirm her artistic endeavors, she tells herself, “I’m creative.”

If you celebrate her academic prowess, she tells herself, “I’m smart.”

If you actively listen to her while she is talking, she tells herself, “I’m engaging.”

If you teach her to say “no” and then respect her boundaries, she tells herself, “I’m strong.”

If you light up and brightly smile upon seeing her, she tells herself, “I’m delightful.”

If you respect her opinions about topics ranging from literature to spiritual things, she tells herself, “I’m wise.”

If you treat her with kindness, understanding, tenderness, and love, she tells herself, “I’m worthy.”

And on it goes.

There is no end to the impact on a daughter from the messages her dad gives her. They can be positive or negative. It’s up to you Dad to decide how you want to invest.

To sum up, the bottom line is this:

The clearer a dad’s positive messages are to his daughter, the less reading between the lines she will need to do to figure out what you really think of her and how you see her. She will thrive as she knows and feels that she is delighted in by her father.

When a girl feels her dad’s heart turned toward her she believes she can be who she was created to be!

Dad, Here are Your Lines.pdf

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Messages on Mirrors

Image credit: Jaume Escofet 

I forget what age I was when I heard my first nursery rhyme, but there is one in particular that is burrowed deep into my memory bank like a steel nail into softened wood. 

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

This quote, as you probably remember, comes from the fairy tale Snow White.  Every day Snow White’s stepmother would ask the mirror this infamous question, serving to illustrate that the way a woman often determines whether or not she is beautiful is to ask this one power-packed question of an inanimate object. No human interaction necessary. Interesting, to say the least.  

We all know the way this fairy tale ends. One day the mirror definitively announces that Snow White is indeed the most beautiful woman in the land, thus leading the wicked queen to plot the murder of her own step-daughter. (Isn’t it crazy to think that these types of stories are told to impressionable little children where hatred, betrayal, and murder are presented as acceptable?!  Yikes!)

This story leads me to ask the question:

What impact does this tale have on young girls as they absorb the subliminal message that beauty is determined by something outside of oneself?

But even more concerning is the way this story models how easily a powerful woman can succumb to listening to the feedback of a mirror over that of another human being or even herself.  In modern terminology this translates to a woman “listening” to the definitive messages from magazines, television, and movies (a.k.a. main stream culture) as the ultimate definer of beauty.  Inanimate objects at the helm once again.  Not so different than the fairy tale your daughter may have heard as a little girl.

The truth is that your daughter is asking this same question every single day of her life:

“Am I beautiful?”

She longs to be told she is beautiful.

She wants to know if she is beautiful.

She needs to know that she is beautiful.

She will keep asking and looking until someone tells her that she is.

She needs YOU dad to answer her question.

If she doesn’t hear it from you she will find another mirror on another wall who will tell her she is the fairest maiden in all the land.  Sadly, some of the “mirrors” who tell her these words have a hidden agenda, ready to tell her what she wants to hear in order to get or take something from her.  

You have no other agenda than to let her know that you see her beauty completely and fully.

She will never tire of hearing you tell her what you see when you look at her.

Here is how Rick said it to other dads in The Abba Project as they stand together with the goal of intentionally pursuing their daughter’s hearts, 

“We’ve got a job to do, men.  We need to reinforce what we see in our daughters because it counters what society is telling them as women.”

The truth is that you are a mirror to your daughter, a truth that invites the question:  What kind of mirror are you?  

Give her specifics about what you see in her that is beautiful. 

• What about her eyes are breathtaking?

• What about the way she did her makeup today is pretty?

• What about the color she's wearing looks stunning on her?

• What about her personality is creatively being expressed in her outfit today?

Dad, stand up as a warrior and help to fight for your daughter.  She needs YOU to do battle for her so she can see herself as she truly is.

Here’s your practical battle plan:  

Write messages with ERASABLE MARKER directly onto her mirrors (bathroom, bedroom, rear view mirror, or overhead mirror in her car) or on STICKY NOTES that you can attach to any or all of her mirrors (bathroom and bedroom) with TRUTH about her from your point of view.

p.s  And since a picture is worth a thousand words, here is a picture that Abba Project dad, Dan, took of his daughter who is sitting by the messages he wrote on her mirror.  He regularly writes messages now for her and she never wants to take them off her mirror.  That's what I call win/win!

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What Does it Mean to Lead Your Daughter Spiritually? My Guest Blog at Shaunti.com

It is always an honor for me to be asked to be a guest blogger for best-selling author, nationally-renowned social researcher and speaker, Shaunti Feldhahn. Below you'll find an excerpt of what is up on her site, with a link to full post below!

"Dads…I realize that I may be treading on sacred ground here as I provide you with suggestions about what it means to be a spiritual influence in your daughter’s life, so please understand that I am approaching this subject with the greatest of respect. I am not seeking to dictate or dominate because I realize that spiritual beliefs and practices are a very personal thing. But I would like to propose some ideas of what it means to spiritually lead your daughters, not only based on my experience but also from first hand information that I’ve received from girls who have stated what they would like more of from their dads.

I trust that you will take this information and glean from it in action and not just in head knowledge.

Here are some practical things that you can start doing today in order to engage your daughter spiritually:" (To find out what these things are, please head over to Shaunti.com to finish reading!)

Image credit: "The smile that would make you happy" by Lara Cores is licensed under CC by 2.0.

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Perfume Day: The Tradition Continues

By now most of you have heard me talk about one of my most favorite days of the year: PERFUME DAY! And once again, I just have to talk about it (in hopes that dads across America--and the world--will join in spoiling their daughters with this amazing tradition).

Just in case you haven’t read about it in my book or read a past blog, Perfume Day is a day my dad came up with 23 years ago where he takes his daughters on a date to buy perfume as part of our annual Christmas tradition.

Why do I love this day?

1. Because it’s unnecessary and extravagant, which makes it even more special because my dad doesn’t have to do this; he spends money on me because he loves me.

2. It feels like my dad is shouting from the rooftops that I am worth his investment.

3. Because he enters into the whole process with me and smells at least a dozen scents on my arms and hands as I try them on (since we all know that the only way to know if a scent really works is to see how it sits on one’s skin!).

4. He takes the time to enjoy me and isn’t rushing through it or checking it off his to-do list.

5. I can feel his happiness during the whole experience, which makes my heart smile too.

6. I know that the perfume will be something I’ll have on my counter as a reminder of our fun dad-daughter date for the next 365.

7. It’s something that I look forward to all year long and is something I have as a forever memory with my dad.

And since a picture is worth a thousand words, here are a few pictures to give you the real flavor of the tradition (the hair is the best way to document the journey, don’t you think?!)

But before I wrap this up, I’d love to share two stories with you because maybe like Steve, you’ll find that your 14-year old daughter is now looking forward to her second annual perfume date. Here is how Steve told it to me last year:

"Maddie and I enjoyed our first 'perfume day' on Christmas Eve.  At first she was all, "That's weird.”  But then she said, "Dad, I'd really like to do that..."...and so we did and it was fun.  I think she was shocked that it didn't matter what it cost - $59 for a sense of value beyond a sticker price seems like a good value, why wouldn't any father do that..."

Or maybe you’ll be like Mark who jumped on the bandwagon five years ago with his two adult daughters.  Funny story: I ran into them at the mall two weeks ago on the night of their perfume date.  Of course I had to go in for a photobomb! (Look at the smiles on all of their faces that tell the real story.)

And if, by chance, you have a daughter who isn’t into Perfume Day, just know that this whole thing is about a dad dialing in to what his daughter loves and then spoiling her with a treat that serves as a reminder of his love for her. So if something from Home Depot would have that kind of meaning for your daughter, then by all means, let the dad-daughter date happen there! 

Take pictures, document the journey, and share your pictures with me.  Post them on my Facebook page at www.facebook.com/drmichellewatson or on Twitter @mwatsonphd using the hashtag: #perfumeday.

So let the smell of sweet perfume fill the air!  Merry Christmas to you.  

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The Father Wound of Anger: My Guest Blog at Shaunti.com

I'm excited and honored to have been asked to be a guest blogger for Shaunti Feldhahn. Here's a little preview, but be sure to head over to her site to read the article in its entirety!

"If you were to walk up to me and ask, “Michelle, if you could give me one piece of advice about where to deliberately focus my attention so that I’m not perpetuating the cycle of father wounds onto my daughter, what would it be?” Without hesitation I would say: Stop venting your anger at your daughter.

• Your anger destroys her spirit.
• Your anger shuts her down.
• Your anger makes her believe unloveable and unworthy and not worth loving.
• Your anger crushes the core of who she is.

Even if you feel justified in your expression of anger at her, stop and first ground yourself before exploding. I hear more stories from girls on how their dad’s anger deeply impacts them than I do anything else about their dads. I see the pain in their eyes as they tell the story and my heart breaks because I know their dads love them but oftentimes when he’s has had one too many things go wrong in his day with little to no margin left, he comes home and his daughter gets the fumes. It doesn’t take much for him then to blow, often treating her in a way that he later regrets, but by then the damage is done. She is left bleeding on the inside..."

To finish reading, head to Shaunti.com.

Photo credit: John Brawley via Compfight

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DADVICE: What to do When Your Daughter Gets on Your Last Nerve

A couple of weeks ago I had the privilege of hearing renowned author Anne Lamott speak at Powell’s, one of our infamous Portland bookstores. At one point in her talk she had us all uproariously laughing when she admitted that years ago as a new mom and exhausted single parent she had the understandably human thought to put her newborn baby boy outside. For just one night. With the dog. (As if those last two qualifiers somehow made it okay!)

It was refreshing to hear Anne’s gut-level honest disclosure about parenting. And it was clear from the enthusiastic response of the crowd that her irreverent revelations about her secret thought life when it came to mothering brought a bit of relief because most likely every mom and dad in the room could relate to the fact that:

1. Parenting is hard.

2. Parenting is exhausting.

3. Parenting is relentless with no reneging on the commitment.

4. Parenting takes more out of mom and dad than each knew they were signing up for.

5. Parenting has the potential to lead two rational adults to the brink of insanity!

Now let’s shift gears and focus specifically on fathering: As a dad you no doubt have had your buttons pushed one time or another by your daughter (especially as she grows older). You may have found yourself wondering how she figured out the password that gained her access into your internal hard drive, the one that activates every response in you that you promised you’d never have as a father. And then there you are, responding in anger or with a harsh reaction, impatience, or indifference and regrettably hurting the one who not so long before had you driving around with a “Precious Cargo on Board” sign in the window.

And though I never want to come across as a “know-it-all,” I’d love to offer a word picture that might come in handy next time she’s gotten on your last nerve and you want to do things differently.

In your interactions with her perhaps it would help to think back to the day she was born when you saw her as a delicate flower.

Recall how gently you held her, careful not to break her. You took extra precaution so as not to drop her head or jiggle her body too aggressively. You made sure you didn’t talk too loud or shout in order not to scare her. Do you remember that feeling of being overwhelmed with her adorable little features while thinking that you had never held anything so small or beautiful?

Truth be told: This is how you still need to think of “holding her.” She is still just as delicate on the inside as the day she was born. She still needs to be handled with kid gloves. I’d even suggest posting one of her baby pictures in a place where you see it every day as a reminder.

One thing that my dad has had to do with me is soften his tone in order to connect with me (and sometimes it’s been me who has had to soften with him so I know this goes both ways). I know this is something that doesn’t come naturally for him (or for most men, as per the feedback I’ve gotten from men I interact with in The Abba Project who admit to this fact), but it can be done. That’s where the “delicate” part of relating to girls comes in---not that we’re fragile and delicate in terms of our personalities, per se---but more in the way we respond relationally.

I’m not expecting you to be super human or perfect but do want to challenge you to make a commitment today to make a new covenant with your mouth to not vent anger or react with harshness toward your daughter from this day forward. When triggered, just walk away and ground yourself first before responding.

Make a decision to consistently water your beautiful little flower with your words of life!

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