10 Reasons I'm Really Thankful for Fathers

Since this is Thanksgiving Week, I figured it was a fitting time to let you dads hear from my heart about what I really think about you!

Having come alongside girls and young women now for the past 35 years, I can undoubtedly say that a father is one, if not the most important person in his daughter’s life.

Yes, moms are essential and necessary and important on more levels than I can count, but every mom out there would support me in saying that her dad was vital to her core sense of identity. He helped shape her self esteem and self worth, and the foundation that her dad laid (or didn’t lay) has impacted how she still views herself today.

Now back to dads. I want you to know what I really honestly think and believe about you. Plain and clear. Straight to the point. This is why you really make a difference.

1. You are the one whose opinion matters most.

2. Your attention communicates more per square inch than you’d imagine.
(I’m not sure why it does, but it just does. You’ll have to believe me on that one!)

3. When you show up, it carries more relational points than most anyone else.

4. When you provide for her needs, she settles into knowing she’ll be okay.

5. Your gaze shouts that she really does have value.

6. Your smile tells her she’s loved and special.

7. You make her day with the way you respond.

8. When you’re proud of her, she thrives in doing anything to ensure that you are.

9. When you’re around, she feels safe.

10. Your support makes her believe she can do anything as long as you’re there.

So just in case you ever think that your presence in your daughter’s life is insignificant or less than essential, please trust me when I say that this couldn’t be further from the truth.

I am thankful for each of you and the way you are literally changing the core of our culture from the ground up by being intentional and consistent in pursuit of your daughter’s hearts!

To sum it up I simply say, “Thanks Dads.”

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Dad, Why Are You Backing Away?

The other day I was getting a pedicure and had a unique experience (yes, toe pampering just happens to be one of those indulgences I justify under the “self care” category of my life). Now before you stop reading because you’ve decided that this doesn’t sound like a blog that speaks to men, hang in there and I promise it will.

You see, what I love most about the whole foot extravaganza thing is that it is a type of forced rest. I can kick back and relax while flipping mindlessly through at least ten or twelve magazines, trying my hardest not to think about anything that might stimulate even the slightest level of neurotransmitter activity!

On this one particular Saturday I was seated next to a woman who I’m guessing had way too much caffeine en route to her appointment. In a much-too-loud-for-normal-salon-etiquette voice she enthusiastically introduced herself to me. “Hi…I’m Samantha…what ya reading there?”

To be honest, I was a bit irritated at first because I really didn’t want to talk. It wasn’t anything personal; I simply wanted to be quiet. But it didn’t take long for me to realize that I didn’t have much choice but to join in because this woman was going to keep knocking on my door until I answered.

As often happens when meeting a stranger, we got to talking about what we both do. Of course this opened up the topic of dads and daughters. That’s when the conversation took a right turn into her heart space.

This 25-year old woman dove head first into the story of her father, the man she lost five years ago, the dad she lost much too soon. With passionate energy she expressed how much he meant to her and how he could never be replaced. It was then that she shared something a bit more vulnerable, something that struck a familiar cord because I’d just had a similar talk with a group of dads who were addressing this same topic from the other side of the solar system.

"As soon as I grew boobs our relationship changed forever. The wrestling stopped. I was 13 when it stopped and I didn't know why. I was an adult when I figured it out. It changed from 13 to 17. I felt abandoned by a man who had been there my whole life and I didn't know what I had done wrong.”

Did you hear it? Did you hear how she spent years blaming herself for her dad’s withdrawal from her?

We girls do that. In all of our relationships, frankly. Psychologists call this “self referencing.” It’s very different from narcissism even though at first glance it could possibly look the same. This isn’t about thinking that we’re the center of the universe. It’s that we think if you get to the center of our universe then you’ll discover that we’re not worth the pursuit. We often struggle to be okay within ourselves and think it’s a matter of time before you’ll come to the same conclusion.

Here’s what I want to say to those of you who are fathers: I know you don’t always know what to do or where to hug when your daughter’s body starts changing. It’s like your little princess somehow turns into a young maiden overnight and rather than potentially pressing into “the wrong places” by accident, it seems easier to back away. Sometimes you would rather do nothing than do it wrong.

But you can’t do that. As a token female I want to say that when we’re hugging someone, our bodies don’t feel any different in that region than any other part. To say it bluntly, when I’m hugging my dad or a guy friend, my breasts aren’t an erogenous zone.

Listen to what Ken, a former dad in The Abba Project told another dad who was navigating this with one of his daughters:

“You know, if you back off she’s going to internalize it as something being wrong with her.”

Well said, my friend.

Then Mike weighed in:

“I used to wrestle with my daughter and then I stopped for the exact same reason. But since doing this group and seeing how important it is to connect with her, I’ve started wrestling with her again. Guess what I’ve noticed? She’s hugging me more!”

Dad, please don’t pull away when your daughter hits adolescence. She needs you more during those years than ever.

The reality is that when you step back physically you are leaving her open prey for guys to swoop in and fill the void. And since this post is a bit more candid than others I’ve written, I might as well keep it going by saying that the best contraceptive your daughter will ever have is that of you showing her healthy physical affection as she grows older, demonstrating what safe touch feels like in the context of honored boundaries. This will go farther than any lecture you could ever give on boys or safe sex.

Samantha really did end up being a delightful woman once I was open to interacting. And not only did she give me permission to share her story but she wanted me to be sure and let fathers know how much they affect their daughters when they are in that prepubescent stage.

“I know its awkward but she's hasn't noticed yet. Don't be the first one to pull away. You'll regret it forever. Luckily my dad and I had enough time to repair our relationship. I was 20 when he passed. He went from diagnosis to passing in just eight weeks.”

Hearing Samantha’s story highlights a very central truth that I hope every dad hears: you are leaving a lasting legacy in your daughter’s life and she is worth every ounce of investment because she’s your forever deposit.

Show your daughter what real, safe, healthy affection feels like---two strong and loving arms of her dad wrapped around her, communicating with demonstrative action that she is valuable and worthy.

Have you hugged your daughter today?

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The ABC’s of Fathering

Ever since John Gray’s book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, was released twelve years ago many of us been referring to women as “Venusians” and men as “Martians.”  

I realize that guys got the short end of the stick on that label (sorry men!), but regardless of descriptions this book really does sum up the obvious:  men and women are from two different planets.

We don’t think the same. We don’t talk the same. We don’t feel the same. We don’t live the same. Our wiring is different. Our needs are different. Our priorities are different.

This brings to mind something that one of the dads in my group inadvertently said one session. He wasn’t sure of the name of the original book title so in talking about the differences between men and women he said, 

“Women really are from Venus and Men are from…is it Pluto?!”

He didn’t say it to be funny but we all roared with laughter.  I told him I actually like his version better than the original!

I didn’t realize this until later but experts say that the distance between Mars and Venus is anywhere between 35 and 222 million miles while the distance between Venus and Pluto is actually farther than that. The distance between Venus and Pluto is actually three billion miles, which probably more accurately reflects the gap between men and women!  

For a lot of dads who start this journey of intentionally pursuing their daughter’s hearts they think their relationships can’t get any closer.  They’ve resigned themselves to believing that the three billion mile gap is not only normal but is a fact that can’t be changed or altered.  

I talked to a couple of dads just this week who have admitted to blowing it with their daughters.  Each one is now living with relational distance as a result.  They feel they’re going to have to live with it the way it is.

I’m standing here shouting a message of hope to these dads and each of you by saying, 

“Yes, it can be changed…

but YOU are the one who has to move your planet closer to hers.”

In the past five years since starting The Abba Project (the group I lead for dads with daughters between the ages of 13 and 30), I’ve slowly been learning to speak Martian.  I guess you could say that I’m bordering on being bi-lingual!  

One of the main things I’ve learned about speaking Martian is that you men don’t like too many words. You want me to get straight to the point. You want an action plan, and you want solutions that work.

Following that grid, here are three “quick-and-to-the-point” components to being a dialed-in dad, something I like to call “The ABC’s of Fathering.” 

Action.

I’m guessing that every one of you had a favorite superhero growing up.  I’m also guessing that the reason you identified with your particular crime fighter was because he took action.  Could you even imagine an impotent, lethargic, unmotivated, and distracted version of your champion?  Of course not!

It’s the same with fathering.  In order to be your daughter’s superhero, you have to take action to intentionally and consistently pursue her heart.  And by “heart” I am referring to her core self that feels passionate and comes alive when being all of who she was created to be.

You probably already have a handle on what action steps touch your daughter’s heart, but in case you would like an extra idea or two, action ideas include (but are not limited to):  daily affirming her in written or verbal ways, showing up at events she is involved in, patiently holding her emotional reactivity, being present with your attention, listening fully, investing financially, and leading spiritually.

Be the man you want her to marry.

The best way you can ensure that your daughter will marry a quality dude and not a dud is to model the kind of guy you want her to walk down the aisle to. You communicate more about her value and worth by the way you treat her than any lecture you could ever give. Stated otherwise, more is caught than taught. Let her experience in real time what it feels like to be treated like a lady by you, the first man who held her heart and the one guy in the world who doesn’t have a hidden agenda in loving her.

Consistency.

There is a great verse that says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is like a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12). This essentially means that if you make a promise to your daughter, keep it.  And the result of being a promise-keeping, heart-pursuing, truth-speaking, tender-loving, stay-the-course dad is a daughter 

• whose heart will stay open (the opposite of a “sick heart”),
• who will be a vibrant, growing, maturing, life-giving “tree,”
• who will have greater self-confidence, more emotional stability, and succeed in reaching her life goals (all of this is confirmed in the research). 

When your daughter consistently experiences that she can trust you, she will internalize your positive view of her. Your steady, dependable, reliable, and faithful pursuit of her heart will yield dividends that will last long after you’re gone.   She is your forever investment.

And like I say in my book:  The harder the work, the greater the value.  And the harder the work, the greater the reward.  Your daughter is worth the work.  She is your reward.  

So there it is.  A “1-2-3, A-B-C” formula with an action plan that works if you work it.  And there’s no better time than the present to kick these ABC’s into action in order to be the dad you want to be and the dad your daughter needs you to be.  

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Why it's so Hard for Daughters to Heal from Father Wounds: My Guest Blog at More to Life Magazine

"There is a delightfully quirky poet named Shel Silverstein who many of us grew up reading. I am especially fond of his poem called Hinges.

“If we had hinges on our heads there wouldn’t be no sin.

‘Cause we could take the bad stuff out and leave the good stuff in.”

If only there was a neurological delete button or some kind of magical mental scour pad to erase the hurtful messages that so easily play on repeat in our brains. I’d sign up in a heartbeat if something like that existed, wouldn’t you?"

I’ve always been a bit of an intense bumpkin, a “feeler,” I guess you could say. My dad, on the other hand, isn’t wired quite the same. You see, he grew up in an alcoholic home with harsh realities that one would expect to go along with that kind of environment. Living in extreme poverty on the south side of Chicago there were three different last names among the seven kids, which essentially translated to a survival-of-the-fittest way of functioning. My dad developed a strong work ethic at a young age while intentionally putting his mind over matter. There wasn’t time or opportunity for self-pity so after years of conditioning he learned to make the best of things without complaining.

There’s much about his stance that I respect. But there are other parts of it that couldn’t be further from how I live or the way I’m wired. I thrive on talking about the story and the backstory, the truth and the pain and the lies that are embedded in the wounds. In fact, I’m so invested in living like this that I not only function this way in my own personal life, but I do this as a profession.

Let’s press rewind for a minute. At 24 years old I was working as a dental assistant while living at home after college. It was a bit of a dreary time for me but I was trying to love and serve God as best I knew how despite my melancholy vantage point and single-white-female reality while most of my friends were walking down the aisle in white...."

To finishing reading about how I came to understand my own father wound, and how there's healing for all of us who've been wounded by our dads, head to More to Life Magazine today! #daddaugtherfriday

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Trick or Treat: A New Spin on Fathering

Trick or Treat:  A New Spin on Fathering

With today being Halloween I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to weave this theme into my dad-daughter Friday blog.  So here goes!

Dressing up in costumes for Halloween is something I’ve been doing since I was a little girl.  And because costumes were mostly homemade back then, in the 60’s and 70’s, I ended up as a Bohemian girl more years than I can count since it was an easy one to throw together.  Big colorful skirt.  Check.  Scarf covered with plastic coins on head.  Check.  Red Lipstick.  Check.  Black beauty mark on chin.  Check.  And voila…I was ready to head out the door to get my fill of candy.

By contrast, my dad grew up with very little parental involvement, not just on Halloween but the other 364 as well.  Living on the south side of Chicago as one of seven children, he grew up with two significant and defining variables: 1. extreme poverty, and 2. an alcoholic dad.  Among other things, those two realities resulted in him fending for himself much of the time.  

He has shared some of his Halloween memories with me, including those about costumes he created on his own, ranging from a hobo with black charcoal spots under his eyes to that of being a box.  Yes, you heard me right.  As a boy, my dad went as a box for Halloween!  In it he cut holes for his arms and legs and one for his head, then drew buttons on the front. I admit that I laughed uproariously when he first told me that story, but I then I honestly applauded him for his ingenuity as an elementary kid who had to navigate creating a costume all by himself.

This brings me to the topic for today on fathering.  Stated simply: dialed-in dads join into the things that their kids care about; checked-out dads don’t.  

As you just read in these accounts of two parallel generations, both my dad and I made choices for our Halloween outfits based on the level of involvement by our parents.  I imagine you’d say the same thing as you think back on what this day looked like for you as a child. 

When it comes to the kind of fathers that each of us end up with, some of us get the “trick” version and others get the “treat.”  

And because I’m an advocate for fathers and one who seeks to clarify what we daughters need from our dads, I want to organize this concept a bit more so that you hear my support of you if you choose to give your all.  

Here’s what a father looks like who “tricks” his daughter, followed by one who knows how to “treat” her well.  

A dad who “tricks” his daughter will:

• put his needs before hers on a regular basis
• teach her by the way he interacts with her that women are "less than"
• tease her for being emotional, leading her to put walls up as a protective shell
• criticize her mom, leading her to believe that she's going to turn out the same way
• use her for his sexual pleasure and rob her of her innocence
• contribute to the exploitation of women through his engagement with porn
• make her never trust God the Father because she can't trust him as her earthly father

And now, let’s move on to the good news.  Here are a few ways that a dad can positively “treat” his daughter so she internalizes his affirmative view of her. 

A dad who “treats” his daughter well will:

• tell her every day not only that he loves her but why he loves her
• notice the things that have meaning to her and then share in them with her
• provide for her needs

• sometimes buy things for no special reason other than to reinforce her value

• love her mom (and if divorced, only speak positive words or not say anything negative)

• affirm her positive qualities

• gently and lovingly set boundaries and limits as a way to teach her to respect herself and the world around her

• listen twice as much as he talks, knowing that this will let her know she is worthy of being listened to

• pursue her heart by actively spending time with her as a way to really know her

• enjoy the uniqueness of her personality by laughing at what makes her laugh

• build the bridge for her to trust, connect to, and feel positively about God as a Father because he’s been trustworthy, connectable, and invested as a dad.

So Dad, it’s up to you to decide what kind of dad you’ll be.  

You get to choose whether you’ll be a dad who tricks or treats his daughter. I pray that today you will choose to be the best man in her life, one who treats her with dignity and value so she can believe that she is both a treat and a treasure. 

With that spin on this All Hallows Eve, I say, “Bring on the treats!” 

Sometimes I Feel Sorry for God: My Guest Post at EmilyWeirenga.com

I'm thrilled to have been asked to guest post for Emily Weirenga today. Here's a little preview--but be sure to head to her beautiful blog to read the rest!

"If God the Father asked if you’d like him to send Jesus to hang out with you in your living space for a few days, what would you say?  I know I’d say yes in a heartbeat.

 I think having Jesus here might work a bit like a “refresh” button on a computer where everything that’s stuck would get updated so that it would work properly again.

 I think it would help make a sometimes ethereal God feel more tangible and real, don’t you? He would go from being unseen to seen, untouchable to touchable.

 I could even imagine the two of us sitting on cushy chairs in my living room talking for hours about things that are too complex to really understand in theory---like how he makes a baby in just nine months where all the intricate parts somehow miraculously come together.

Place that scenario in your left hand while I invite you to hold another in your right..."

Click here to finish reading!

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Sugar and Spice: The Secret to Fathering Two Very Different Kinds of Daughters

I had the most delightfully random encounter this past weekend. I met a woman whose vim and vigor were contagious and our interaction ended up inspiring me to look at things through a different lens.

Here’s the story. I was sitting at a table outside a grocery store in Central Oregon soaking up the last bit of sunshine at the tail end of our Indian summer when the smell of barbecue began to waft my way. Before I knew it I was in conversation with a local culinary expert who clearly expressed her enjoyment of awakening the palates of regulars and strangers alike.

Soon I discovered that Kelly (a.k.a. the “BBQ Queen” as her name tag aptly stated) has been barbecuing at this one place for 19 years. I can confidently say that I have never in my life met anyone who has been so passionately invested in and excited about barbecue…EVER. All I can say is that her enthusiasm definitely rubbed off on me!

That’s all it took for her to open up and divulge some of her tasty secrets. “The way to get the best barbecue is to have equal parts of brown sugar and vinegar. Most people get it wrong with too much of one or too much of the other.  It’s got to be 50% sweet and 50% tangy. That’s all there is to it!”  

And with that, she was off.

Silly as it may sound, I have been chewing on her words all week. But my thoughts haven’t been about spare ribs or tri-tip. They’ve been about fathers and daughters.

I wonder if the same principle for good barbecue could apply to personality types in girls. I don’t quite know how it all breaks down but I tend to think there’s an even 50-50 split between the “sweet” ones and the “tangy” ones.  

Both are necessary to make our world function and thrive, and neither is better than the other. Just different. Complimentary opposites, I guess you could say.  

This leads me to ask the question:  Do fathers validate their “sweet” daughters as much as their “tangy” ones?

As a “tangy” daughter I can tell you that I often wished I was sweeter and kinder, more mellow and less reactive, more go-with-the-flow and pleasant. But the reality is that I popped out like this. Lots of zest and panache (which is a fancy way of saying drama and opinions)! Sometimes it’s been a good thing and sometimes it’s been a bit much…both for me and for my dad.

All of this pondering about girls and individual temperaments brings to mind a nursery rhyme I heard a lot growing up in the 60’s:

Sugar and spice and everything nice,

that’s what little girls are made of.

Snips and snails and puppy dog tales,

that’s what little boys are made of.

Though at the time this little jingle seemed cute and harmless, I realize now that it subtly planted seeds about what it meant to be a “nice little girl.” Add in the fact that positive responses from the general public seem to cater more to the “surgery” types than to those with a bit more “spice” and I can say that it left me often not knowing how to understand myself, let alone like myself.

So if we use the barbecue theory as a working template on fathering daughters, it means that 50% of you are raising “sweet” girls while the other 50% are rearing “tangy” ones.  And because your daughters see themselves in the reflection of you as their mirror it is vitally important that you let each of them know that both sugar and spice are what balances out life and makes the world go round.

Dad, your daughter will believe what you tell her about herself (and what you imply without words). If you have a “sweet” daughter you most likely find her easy to lead, and you enjoy her delightful qualities. That’s all well and good. It’s beautiful and wonderful.

But especially for those of you who father a more “spicy” female, make sure to validate and encourage her uniqueness, one with zip and pizzazz, letting her know that she truly does distinctively enhance the atmosphere around her (even if at times she pushes every button in you).

Let your daughter know that there are famous complimentary opposites everywhere you look. Help her understand that both have a place in the universe and both have equal value:

salt and pepper

sun and moon

fear and courage

cookies and milk

Dad, why not use all of this data as a launching pad for inspiration to intentionally speak positive, affirming words into your “sweet” and your “tangy” daughters every day for the next seven days.

Let each one know that her unique combination of savory flavors enhance your life in ways that make her one-of-a-kind blend just the “taste” you love. Text her right now and tell her!

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How to Damage Your Daughter in One Easy Step

I met a young dad today who enthusiastically told me about his adorable 2½-year old daughter.  His face lit up and his eyes smiled as he shared about his little treasure, one who clearly holds the key to his heart.

When he found out that I’ve recently written a book to dads about daughters he leaned in and very intentionally asked, “In 20 seconds what advice can you give me as a dad to a daughter?”

I didn’t hesitate for a moment.

“Make sure to always drop your anger.  Anger is the number one way to hurt your daughter’s heart. So even when she pushes your buttons as she gets older, make a commitment not to respond in anger as a way to assert your power because it is the most effective way to destroy her and close up her spirit.”

Though my 20 seconds were up, he was all ears.  So I kept going.

“Just like Malachi 4:6 and Luke 1:17 both say, it’s all about turning your heart and not just your head towards your daughter.  In fact, God says that if the hearts of fathers don’t turn towards their children that He will come and strike the land with a curse. Pretty intense, eh?”

After our short conversation I walked away and thought that perhaps my response was too negative. I wondered if it would have been better to have told him what TO do instead of what NOT to do. 

But on second thought, the reality is that my reflexive, intuitive response was based on three and a half decades of interacting with girls and young women.  I’ve heard more stories of heart hurts from dad’s anger than anything else.  I knew I had to speak boldly and honestly in an attempt to plant this seed in his heart and mind early.

Here are five main ways that a dad’s anger impacts his daughter: 

• Your anger destroys her spirit.
• Your anger shuts her down.
• Your anger crushes the core of who she is.
• Your anger causes her to give up.
• Your anger makes her believe she unloveable and unworthy and not worth loving.

My belief is that every one of you dads wants the opposite of these five things when it comes to fathering your daughter.  

You want her to stay open in her spirit and live strong from her core.  You want her be all of who she is created to be, coming from a deep knowledge that she is loved and worthy of being loved with the ultimate expression being that she is able to share her love with the world.

With that in mind, here’s the bottom line for you, dad:  The only way your daughter will achieve this goal is for you to stay the course consistently, daily. 

• Instruct her without anger.
• Discipline her without anger.
• Dialogue with her without anger.
• Disagree with her without anger.
• Lead her without anger.

Choose today to set a new course by determining that when triggered you will walk away and get your feet back on the ground before responding.  Of course you are human, so when you’ve hurt her, humble yourself and make amends.  Ask forgiveness. This is also a heart healing, heart restorative move.

Here’s how I know this can be done:  If you were offered a million dollars to stop being harsh for a week or a month or a year, you would be motivated to do it, right?.  Your daughter is your million dollar investment!

Make a covenant with your mouth not to vent anger at your daughter from this day forward.  

Instead, be the life-breathing, positive voice in her head that motivates and inspires her because there’s nothing better than a daughter who she knows in the depths of her being that her dad is FOR her!

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Daddy, Daddy...Watch Me!

Today I went on a run and something unusual happened. 

A woman with two little dogs on leashes (here in Oregon we are a big pro-canine state where most citizens attend very well to the needs of their fluffy and furry friends) had just stopped to give them a breather when she saw me and enthusiastically called out, “Wow...you are a fast runner!" 

I was stunned but kept going, only then to have few clumsy words tumble out of my mouth in response, "Oh, bless your heart.”

You've got to understand. I am not a fast runner. Okay, maybe if you put me up against a first grader I might be considered fast. But that’s about it, even on a good day.

I actually started jogging the summer after my senior year of high school. Even still I only run in very small doses, three times a week at best. And sometimes when the weather is bad I decide I’m not in the mood and then take the whole week off. This simply translates to the fact that I don’t invest much time into this sport and consequently I’m a bit slow on the draw. That’s why today was a first.  

I noticed how the empowering words from a complete stranger had a very powerful impact on my energy, my mood, and my stride.  And as her words echoed repeatedly in my head after jetting past her, I not only started telling myself that I must be a fast runner if this lady said I was, but I literally started running with slightly increased speed! 

The result is that I embodied her observation. 

There really is something robust and potent in positive words spoken, even random observatory words from a bystander.  

This got me thinking back to when I was a little girl.  I remember wanting my dad to be the one to notice that I was running fast or doing something that required an extra dose of physical strength or stamina.  I wanted him to watch and be proud of me.  Those two things always went hand in hand. 

There was and continues to be something about my dad applauding me while declaring that I am fast and strong that seems to make it more valid. I thrive on his belief in me even when I don’t believe in myself.

Why is it that when a dad sees and affirms something that it’s worth a triple word score?  I don’t know why that is but it’s got to be written down somewhere in the fathering handbook.

I think it must have to do with the fact that because dads are strong and invincible, if dad says it’s true then it has to be true. Let me say it another way: if the strongest and mightiest and most physically powerful member of the family affirms my strength and prowess, then maybe there’s a little bit of that in me.  Maybe it means that I’m strong and powerful too.

Summing up, here’s what we as your daughters need from you Dad:

• We need you to watch us lift things that are heavy and endure things that are hard. 
• We need you to show up, watch us, and cheer us on.
• We need you to tell us that we can do it.
• We need you to see us grow and succeed, try and fail, fall down and get up again. 
• We need you to be proud of us…through the entire process.
• We need you not to expect perfection.
• We need you to know that we hear your voice from the stands (literally and figuratively).
• We need you to know that your absence shouts as loudly as your presence.
• We need you to believe in us when we’ve lost our way, helping us find our way back home.

And since a picture is worth a thousand words, this one says it all. Here is my friend Jay actively engaging with his precious daughter Ava. Both the picture and his corresponding words melt my heart: “Her biggest weapon on the field is laughter.” 

When seeing this picture I can’t help but add: “How incredible that he’s close enough to hear.”  

Dad, getting close can be a mixed bag. One time it will be her anger and another time tears.  The next, brilliant insights followed with thought-provoking questions (that may push buttons…for both of you). Yet right around the corner you’ll be sprinkled with her laughter, often when you least expect it. That’s when you’ll be glad you scooted close.

Cheering from the stands is well and good.  But always make sure you’re close enough to hear.

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Understanding Your Mysterious Daughter

I often hear fathers tell me that their daughters are complicated and complex, confusing and unpredictable. Believe it or not, I have discovered that we girls are not as hard to understand as we may seem! 

My decoding strategy for you is coming to you straight from the one Man in all of history who always got it right when it came to relationships.  Of course you know who I’m talking about: Jesus. I figure there’s nothing better than learning from the best!

Here are five “easy” steps to decoding and relating to your daughter, especially during those times when things are emotionally intense.  

(And if you don’t want to read further and just want a one-step plan, I would say to be gentle, soft, and calm.  And yes, those ARE manly words, I assure you, because only a strong man can accomplish this…it’s hard!).

Here goes:  There were two sisters, Martha and Mary, and they were close, personal friends of Jesus. He knew them and they knew him. For better or worse.  

Let’s pick up the story (from Luke 10:38-42 if you want to look it up later) where Martha is overly reactive, super stressed, and basically freaking out.  

If you can relate to experiencing any of those realities in your home, listen to what Jesus (with his male energy) did to enter the fray with his frazzled female friend. 

1.  He lets her vent to Him while He listens to all of it.

Even when she dramatically tells Jesus that he “doesn’t care” (false assumptions always take place during meltdowns) she continues by crying about having to do everything “by myself.” And if that wasn’t enough, she then barks at Jesus and demands that he tell her sister to help her. Surprisingly, he doesn’t lecture but listens and essentially absorbs her intensity by being her sounding board.

2.  He says her name twice….gently and lovingly. 

There’s something calming when any of us hear our name.  And for us girls, it’s grounding for us to be spoken to by name. If you speak your daughter’s name with love in your tone and in a gentle way, she will come towards you----maybe not right away, but it is a powerful, healing strategy that works.

3.  He sits with her in her emotional reality.

Notice that he doesn’t try and talk her out of what she’s feeling or try to get her to think rationally. No lecture. No criticism.  Jesus knows that she couldn’t hear it anyway while being so worked up.  So he simply stays with her, looks at her, validates her, and puts words to what she’s feeling, calling it “worry” and “upset.”  He tenderly names her emotions. No judgment.

4.  He highlights all that is on her life plate.

As girls we are wired to multi-task.  That’s why we can talk on the phone, paint our nails, watch a show, and do homework…all at the same time!  Yet all of a sudden we reach our max and then comes the explosion.  Again, this is where we need gentle grace not power positions.  Jesus just told Martha that he knew she had “many things” going on, leading to her melt down.  How kind of him to notice.  If you validate all that is pressing in on your daughter, your words will go long and far to make her feel heard and understood. 

5. He directs her to focus on one thing.

Jesus tells her that “only one thing is needed.”  The implication is that it’s about focusing on Him as the one thing rather than all the needs around her.  When we girls get overwhelmed with the much, we need gentle, supportive guidance to take it one thing at a time.  Breaking it down into bite size pieces is immensely helpful when we’re breaking down.

Summing up:  When your daughter is melting down sit alongside her and listen to her vent, move towards her and lovingly say her name. Tell her that you understand that she is “worried and upset.”  Let her know you do see that she has a lot on her plate, and assist in helping her to focus on one thing.  

I know it’s easier said than done but these five things will make all the difference in the eye of the storm when you are there trying to keep up with her complexity.  And after the storm has passed, the main thing your daughter will remember is that you Dad were there in it with her.

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