How to Damage Your Daughter in One Quick Step

I met a young dad not too long ago who enthusiastically told me about his adorable 2½-year old daughter. His face lit up and his eyes seemed to smile as he shared about his little treasure, one who clearly holds the key to his heart.

When he found out that I’ve written a book to dads about daughters, he leaned in and very intentionally asked, “In 20 seconds what advice can you give me as a dad to a daughter?”

I didn’t hesitate for even a moment. After 35+ years of walking alongside teenage and 20-something young women in various contexts, my answer quickly bolted from my mouth before I had time to think.

“Make sure to always drop your anger.”  

I went on to explain (since, after all, I hadn’t used up my 20 seconds yet)…

“Anger is the number one way to hurt your daughter’s heart. So even when she pushes your buttons as she gets older, make a commitment not to respond in anger as a way to assert your power because it is the most effective way to destroy her and close up her spirit.”

Because he was still tuned in fully, I kept going.

“In the Bible God actually says that it’s all about fathers turning their HEARTS and not just their HEADS towards their daughters. In fact, He adds that if the hearts of fathers don’t turn towards their children that He will come and strike the land with a curse. Pretty intense, eh?”

After our short conversation I walked away and thought that perhaps my response was too negative and blunt. I wondered if it would have been better to have told him what TO do instead of what NOT to do.

But on second thought, the truth is that my reflexive, intuitive response to his question was based on 3½ decades of interacting with girls and young women. My deep desire was to help him by responding honestly to his question. And because the sad reality is that I’ve heard more stories from young women about their heart hurts as a result of their dad’s anger than almost anything else.

I knew I had to speak boldly and honestly in an attempt to plant this seed in his heart and mind early.

Here are five main ways that I’ve seen that a dads anger impact his daughter:

• Your anger has the power to destroy her spirit.

• Your anger shuts her down.

• Your anger crushes the core of who she is.

• Your anger causes her to give up.

• Your anger makes her believe she unloveable and unworthy and not worth loving.

My belief is that every one of you dads wants the opposite of these five things when it comes to fathering your daughter.  You want her to stay open in her spirit and live strong from her core.  You want her be all of who she is created to be where she thrives from a deep knowledge that comes in part from you where she knows and believes she is loved, lovable, and worthy of being loved. You want her to take those truth deposits and live them out in such a way that she is able to share her love with the world. 

With that in mind, here’s the bottom line for you, dad:  

The way your daughter will achieve this goal of being the best version of herself is for you to daily stay the course with consistency while you…

• Instruct her without anger.

• Discipline her without anger.

• Dialogue with her without anger.

• Disagree with her without anger.

• Lead her without anger.

Choose today to set a new course by determining that, when triggered, you will walk away and get your feet back on the ground before responding. I’d even suggest giving yourself a “time out” that matches your age (a.k.a. if you’re 50, take 50 minutes) to cool off and come back to the conversation later. You’ll have less chance of saying something you regret by letting your brain slow down when it’s rapid-firing.

Of course you are human, so when you’ve hurt her, humble yourself and make amends. Ask forgiveness. This is also a heart healing, heart restorative move.

Make a covenant in your heart and with your mouth not to vent anger at your daughter from this day forward. 

Instead, be the life-breathing, kind, gentle, positive voice in her head that motivates and inspires her because there’s nothing better than a daughter who she knows in the depths of her being that her dad is FOR her!

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What Father's Day Isn't About

Father’s Day was always celebrated big in our house even though it seemed that mom usually got the better gifts and the grander celebration on her day in May. Not sure why that was other than I think we assumed that Dad didn’t care as much about all the stuff. Truth be told, he seemed happiest when we were all simply together.

(My dad is still like that to this day--even after having celebrated 56 of these dad’s days to date--he says the stuff doesn’t matter, it’s the people who do).

And because Father’s Day always fell on a Sunday, we girls would typically give him breakfast in bed with a couple of presents before church. Growing up we didn’t have a lot of money to buy anything extravagant. Yet as I think back now, I see how that allowed us to get our creative juices flowing at an early age. I remember one year when I was about 12 that I painted words on a big rock: “Turn me over please” was strategically placed on one side with “Thanks, that feels much better” on the other. My dad thought it was hilarious, and he proudly displayed it on his office desk--which made me very happy and equally proud.

There’s something about a dad’s approval that can take something commonplace and inexpensive and turn it into a valued masterpiece.

But it was actually our homemade cards with hand-written coupons inside that made Dad smile the most. I think some of his favorites were the “free” backrub, the car wash, and the promise to bake him a big batch of his favorite peanut butter cookies. And though the bulk of the coupons were rarely redeemed (I’m guessing he forgot about them as each year passed on), it was the love, thought, and intention that mattered more than anything to him.

I heard an interview recently where Bishop T.D. Jakes was talking about parenting and said, “It’s not what you leave to them that makes them great, it’s what you leave in them.”

I am living proof of that. I didn’t grow up with extravagance, yet I always had enough. Even as I ponder now the contrast of my dad’s upbringing to mine, I realize that having just enough was a gift (though, if I’m honest, I often wished I had the cool stuff that the “popular kids” had and didn’t see this as much of a gift at the time).

My dad’s backstory is that he grew up in extreme poverty on the South Side of Chicago and worked from the time he was six years old, helping his brothers with their paper routes. His dauntless work ethic and fearless determination set in motion some incredible relational skills and courageous strength that he drew upon years later when he sold cookware and life insurance as a door-to-door salesman in San Francisco.

My dad’s father was an alcoholic and abandoned the family when he was only seven or eight years old. Survival in South Chicago meant joining a gang, so my dad joined one when he was just eleven years old. He didn’t get out until he was sixteen. In fact, my dad still has scars on his body that mark that time in his life. It was a classic example of the survival of the fittest, and somehow my dad survived despite having been dealt a really crappy hand. He literally didn’t have much security, stability, nurture, or guidance from anyone in his life.

Yet because my dad had to be resourceful as a kid, he brought that skill into his fathering. Here are some examples of things that cost him almost nothing in the monetary sense, but were forever deposits because he gave us the gift of himself:

• He’d lie down on the living room floor after dinner and, as loud as he could, pretend he was sleeping and snoring while we girls would sneak up on him, only to have him grab one of our legs and set off a giggle fest that filled every inch of the room.

• He built us a scooter out of a milk crate and a skateboard.

• When tucking us into bed he would make up unique, creative, engaging stories accompanied with a ritual where he would close his eyes and let us “put his thinking cap on” until he came up with a “just right” scenario.

• He wrote rhyming poems to us, often leaving them on the kitchen counter to discover on mornings when he left the house early.

• He turned a one-room bedroom into a modified two-room “suite” by building a wall in the center with a hanging curtain in the doorway to divide the two sides, all so his two oldest daughters each felt like they had a room of their own.

• When camping as a family, he bought each of us girls a miniature pocket knife, and taught us how to make a whistle from a stick.

• He can fix almost anything---from watches to cars to computers to hot tubs to rooftops to broken appliances.

• He still fixes my broken things….and mows my lawn.

Why do I share these stories about my dad?

To serve as a reminder that Father’s Day isn’t about the stuff. It’s about the relationship between you and your kids. 

It’s about celebrating the one-on-one time you spend doing things with them to create lasting memories. It’s not about the money, it’s about the experiences. It’s about bringing yourself to the table, not your work. It’s about being invested in the things your kids care about while you teach them life lessons in the process.

YOU, Dad, are the gift that keeps on giving.

YOU are the best gift in the world to your kids. I hope you never underestimate the value you have in their lives, whether they realize it now or not.

I pray that you will reap a rich harvest on Father’s Day in like kind to the seeds you’ve sown the other 364 days of the year as a result of investing your time, your attention, and yourself into the lives of your kids.

I celebrate you as a father today, along with the other 70.1+ million dads in America who have the incredibly important role of fathering your kids. You are vital to the health and well-being of our country, and the more you give of yourself to your children, the stronger and healthier our nation will be.

I really do hope you feel loved and appreciated today. Happy Father’s Day, Dad, from my heart to yours.

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Truth or Dare: 3 Questions You Might Be Too Afraid To Ask Your Daughter...But Should

I’ve heard it said that a lot of men do best when they’re challenged. And not just challenged to do something that could be possible, but dared to do something far greater than they could ever imagine doing.

Case in point: I watched a documentary a while ago where men voluntarily attended a week of grueling military boot camp, paying large sums of money to be pushed past their limits. Why did they do it? They said it was simply to prove that they could.

A question comes to mind as I see men who are willing to go the distance physically: Would they be equally responsive to opportunities to prove that they can push past their limits in something potentially more important, that of pursuing and engaging their daughter’s heart? I understand that it’s often confusing, exhausting, and downright frustrating to figure her out as she matures (hence my reason for talking about this as a challenge that pushes you beyond your limits…a lot!). Yet she needs you, Dad, to hang in there as a fully engaged father throughout her entire lifespan.

So right here, right now, I am counting on the fact that you as a dad, with this specific challenge, will rise to the occasion---or will keep rising to the occasion---to prove your commitment to fatherhood. In response, I offer you both a truth and a dare.

Truth: Commendable men take the initiative to invest in their kids, accepting challenges even when it means sacrificing their own comfort, needs, and personal agenda.

Dare: Take your daughter on a date (a scheduled time where just the two of you can talk freely and openly where you are investing in her with your time, money, energy, and focus) and ask her three of the most important questions you could ever ask her.

But first you must let her know that you won’t get hurt (at least in a way that is outwardly expressed to her) or angry in response to what she tells you. Assure her that you want her honest feedback so you can be the best dad you can be to her.

One other thing:  If your daughter (or son, should you choose to do this with him too) does better with expressing her thoughts and feelings in writing, she may prefer to write her responses to you. Then make sure you talk about it with her later. Having the conversation in person may be hard, but is really powerful when you add your voice to the mix.

Dad, if you’re willing to accept the challenge, then here goes. Here are three questions to ask your daughter…if you dare:

1.  On a 0 to 10 scale, what rating would you give me as a dad? (With 0 being the worst and 10 being the best)

2. What are three things I’m doing as your dad that make you feel like I’m on your side and supportive of you?

3. What could I work on to be a better dad to you? (These last two words are key because, as you know, each one of your kids has unique wiring and therefore needs you to individually pace with him or her accordingly)

So there it is----three of the most important questions you might ever ask your daughter.

Prove to yourself today that you are a proactive dad who initiates by starting the daring conversations with your daughter. It can all start by courageously challenging yourself to ask three simple questions.

On your mark, get set…ask!
 

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Father's Day Gift Idea

Hi Friends,

As you’ve gotten to know me over time, you know that I love sharing my life with you. But equally true is that I’m not one who gets in your face and says, “Buy my book!”

Yet I’ve been encouraged to step out of my comfort zone and share my heart with you about why I believe the book I wrote to dads of daughters----Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart---would be a worthwhile investment as a gift for any dad this Father’s Day.

1. It’s written just for men, with short chapters that are straight forward and to the point (which is what men told me they wanted when I surveyed them before writing it).

2. It’s action-oriented, not just theory (men have told me they want to know what to do to fix things and make their relationship with their daughter better…so I gave them what they asked for).

3. There are lots of stories from other dads of daughters, which helps guys feel more supported and less alone (men told me they like hearing stories…so again, I gave them what they asked for, even sharing about my relationship with my dad and his story of growing up on the South Side of Chicago).

4. In the Appendix there are specific scripts a dad can use when taking his daughter on dates that equips him to initiate conversations with more competence, resulting in greater confidence (my ultimate goal is for dads to take action to pursue their daughter’s heart, and these scripts provide a template for a dad to get to know his daughter in a deeper way as he invites her to share more of her thoughts and feelings while he does the same).

I promise you that my goal is not for higher book sales. What I do truly hope for is that this book will be a guide to positively equip dads to hit it out of the ballpark in their role as fathers to their daughters.

If you know a dad who could benefit from a field guide to better equip him in his role this Father’s Day, here’s a link to the book: Dad, Here's What I Really Need From You

And last, if you want to share this blog with your friends, simply go to my Facebook page and share the post. Thank you for your love, support, and encouragement.

I wish you the best Father’s Day ever!

From my heart to yours, Michelle

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Making Amends: How One Dad Did it Right

I can easily say that the most common question I am asked by fathers of daughters (in person and via my website) is: How do I make things right with my daughter because things between us aren’t so good?

  The exact words that some have used are as follows:

• “I want to be closer to my daughter. If you have anything for rebuilding our relationship, I’d love that.”

• “I need help with my estranged daughter. Why is it hard for her to want me in her life? I ache in my heart and feel a part of my life is missing. I need some wisdom.”

• “How do I get access to my daughter’s heart if I'm being cut out?”

I acknowledge that I often have minimal knowledge of the entirety of the situation when responding. Yet I also want to give dads practical and proactive strategies they can put into action to invest in changing the dance for the better with their girls.

This leads me to a real life story, one that I had the privilege of being a part of earlier this year. Leanne is a 35-year old daughter, married, and the mother of two. She contacted me to ask if I could help navigate her relationship with her father after years of feeling the strain between them. Both were willing to peel back the layers while knowing they needed a guide through the process. 

Dad, Scott, told his daughter that if this would help her heal then he was committed to joining her even though he saw the task ahead as somewhat daunting and perhaps unnecessary. Courageously, both opened up about the ways that Scott’s often gruff and dismissive parenting style when raising his tender-hearted daughter not only hurt her then, but still has her oftentimes currently believing that she is “stupid and dumb,” with an overall feeing of being unworthy.

Through this process dad gave his daughter one of the best gifts she’s ever received from him. Without being defensive, Scott listened. For seven weeks in a row, he listened. Far past the point where he normally would have walked away.

All out of love for his daughter.

We finally reached the place where Scott, though hesitantly, was willing to accept an assignment to write Leanne a letter. Not knowing exactly what to write (especially since his daughter is an accomplished writer, which in his mind served to highlight his inadequacy), he used a template to guide the process: Writing a Letter to Your Daughter.pdf

This dad followed directions, put pen to paper (actually fingers to keyboard), and gave it his all. To say he did it right is an understatement!

Scott told his daughter how he sees her embodying the meaning of her name while telling her specific ways he is proud of her, even including unique qualities he admires about her. And he made amends. He said he was sorry for not being gentle and patient with her when she was a little girl.

Now you may be wondering: What good does it do to dredge up the past, especially when bygones are bygones? You may be thinking that it’s cruel for an adult daughter to drag her dad into a counselor’s office just so he can hear her tell him how he blew it when she was little when he was doing the best he could at the time.

You can decide for yourself whether you still hold to that position after hearing what Leanne later wrote to her dad in response to their life-changing session:

There was a moment when you stopped reading for a second and you glanced at me with wet eyes and tears streaming down your cheeks—I don’t even remember what part of the letter it was—that I have permanently engrained in my memory. It’s the strongest you’ve ever looked to me. I find it fascinating, and I think you might think it absurd, that my certainty of your strength was birthed from a moment where you were completely broken down. Even the little six-year-old in me is so proud, “My daddy is so strong!”  Dad, you are one of the bravest men I know.

Even as an adult woman, Leanne longed to hear what her daddy thought about her. She soaked in his words---about being proud of her and why---and about truly understanding the ways he had hurt her.

And Leanne needed to hear him read the letter out loud to her. She needed to hear his heartfelt emotion as he expressed himself. In fact, every year I hear dads in The Abba Project tell the group that reading their letters to their daughters is one of the hardest yet best things they’ve ever done. Why? Because their daughters are able to see their emotion coupled with their words and it bonds each dad and daughter together.

Scott agrees. Something broke free in him by doing this, leading him to say: “I don’t expect myself to be perfect anymore. I’m actually more real now.”

It was in this process of opening up the conversation that both of their hearts moved towards healing. When her father asked forgiveness, his daughter responded with love and grace. Each of them felt more understood as they did this piece of work together. Leanne further explained:

It’s like taking two magnets and flipping them around so instead of connecting tightly, they push against each other in opposition, making it impossible for connection to happen. This letter, both the letter itself and my dad’s emotions in reading it, was the first time our magnets faced the right way for connection to happen.

In reflecting back on this experience, I asked Leanne to share a few highlights that stood out to her from the journey:

The problem is the wounds from hurt don’t get healed if we ignore them; I learned that not only was I wounded by the past, so was my dad. His sobs and streaming tears were physical manifestations of how deep his own wounds are. This means we have pain in common and in a weird way I feel closer to him now that I know.

So to sum up, I want to tell dads everywhere to write and read your daughter a letter because it:

1) shows she’s worth pursuing

2) lets her know how you feel about her as a person

3) allows her to see herself through your eyes, which is far more valuable and loving than how the world will communicate her worth.

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My hope in sharing their story with you is that Leanne and Scott will serve as a real-life example demonstrating that it’s never too late for a dad to make amends with his daughter. When a dad comes without defensiveness, and is open and willing to hear her heart hurts, he gives her---and himself---the gift of freedom, release, and healing.

Thank you, Leanne and Scott. I believe I speak for us all when I say how extremely grateful we are for the gift you have given us by your courage to share your story.

I trust that every dad in America will take their story to heart and take steps today to make amends with his daughter (and son). Don’t put it off another day.

She’s worth the hard work. And so are you.

P.S. Just in case you’d like to hear more of Leanne’s insights, I’m including them in a first ever full-length addendum to my blog. Think of it as the bonus feature to this week’s tutorial, compliments of our guest.

• All his words meant so much to me that I couldn’t help but cry. I had no idea how he felt; I’ve been running on assumptions all these years, the wrong assumptions, based on few words and past experiences. He’s a new person but I’d never seen or heard the new dad until this letter.

• I literally feel like I heard words I’ve been waiting 30 years to hear. My dad has told me many times he’s proud of me, but he’s never told me why or how he’s proud of me. I’ve never heard how he felt when I was born, that he was scared and felt like he had a skewed knowledge of parenting. I heard him articulate how he sees me as a person and how he feels about me.

• I felt so much more affirmed and adored and valued than I ever have in my life by my dad. It makes a difference. He loves me and values me, which changes the way I see myself.

• There’d even been some tears shed in the past when he’s apologized for the way he treated my brother and me, but this time was different because his full emotions came out attached with more words—there were buckets of affirming words for me. This time it was more than, “I’m sorry. I was a terrible father.” It was “I’m sorry, I feel horrid for what I did to you. You are all these things and I value you and I want to love you differently and better. Please forgive me.”

• The longer we keep things locked up tight, the harder they spill out when the lid is pried off. But then everything is emotionally cleansed and you can breathe again, realizing for the first time how suffocating all that pain had been. I’ve been there, and now I could feel my dad experiencing the same thing. That felt special to me.

• Being vulnerable with each other is really foreign—I think Dad is uncomfortable with his own feelings, especially tearful feelings, and I simultaneously don’t want to make him uncomfortable with my own feelings yet also want to protect myself from rejection if Dad thinks my feelings are unreasonable or stupid.

• My relationship with my dad, past and future, impacts so many other areas of my life—confidence, parenting, my eating disorder recovery, sense of worth. I don’t know the psychology behind why my dad’s connection with me matters in those things—matters in helping trust who I am—but it does. I still need my dad at 35, and I suspect at 45 and 50 and so on because there’s still an inner-child who needs the nurturing and love. I don’t know how to articulate the connection, but I know God sees me as this child and interacts with me as such, so there’s a reason why my earthly dad plays such an imperative role. 

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6 Years, 7 Observations, and My 8 Word Manifesto for Dads

This week was graduation week for another 10 dads who have completed their 9-month Abba Project journey.

Year after year these men inspire and amaze me as I witness their willingness to accept the challenge to intentionally and consistently pursue their daughter’s hearts over the course of an entire school year. And they all testify to the fact that while their COMPETENCE increases, in equal proportion so does their CONFIDENCE.

I wish that every one of you could come sit with us during one of our group sessions. You would witness dads supporting each other in amazing ways while sharing a similar passion and end goal, that of connecting more with their daughters. For some of them it’s a continuation of a pursuit that already has a well-established foundation set during her childhood, while for others it’s more of an exhausting workout to win back her heart.

The incredible dads of Abba Project 2016

These guys are my heroes and they are literally changing the landscape of our country, one dad at a time, as they “kick it up a notch” with their daughters. They come hungry to learn how to do everything from lead richer conversations to that of enhancing their active listening skills, all while tending to the heart space of their girls. It’s absolutely incredible to witness the growth in these dads in only nine months! [And any of you can join the ranks of these Abba Project dads by reading my book and then doing the dad-daughter dates/activities listed in the back. Write and tell me how it goes!]  

I often refer to myself as a “planet-hopper,” and by that I mean I travel from Venus (my planet) to Mars (your planet)--as author John Grey delineates in his book Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus. So I thought I’d take a moment to reflect on some things I’ve observed over the course of time. These insights aren’t meant to be all-inclusive, they are simply things I’ve come to appreciate and discover, things I’ve learned first-hand from my expeditions that have led to greater understanding and deeper admiration for fathers.
 
Here goes:

1. Dads are deeply motivated when a particular cause profoundly touches their hearts.

When I started The Abba Project people were shocked that men would add more to their already full plates. Yet they came. Why? “Because we love our daughters,” they’ve said. Dads make the time to do those things they deem worthy of the sacrifice of their time and will move heaven and earth to make something happen if they believe in it.

2. Dads are willing to be taught when the things they're learning resonate with their minds and hearts.

I’ll share with you a secret: When this whole thing with dads got started, I hadn’t expected that men would want to learn from someone who wasn’t a father, especially me. Yet they are rock stars in my eyes, every one of them, because they get out there, sometimes under the bright lights of scrutiny (from their families or friends who hear they’re doing this dad-daughter group thing), all the while coming with a teachable spirit that enriches the learning process. Yes, the world watches with enthusiasm when a dad invests in his kids!

3. Dads are readily open to expressing thoughts and feelings when in the safety of other men.

I’ll be honest----this one caught me by surprise. I hadn’t expected men to talk as much as they do and to tear up when talking about their daughters. I’ve told them how I’m continually blown away at how much they talk, to which they’ve said, “It’s because we’re not competing with women to be heard.” I realize that might sound a bit brutal, but it’s what they’ve said. And when they hear each other, they feel less alone and more supported…and then they talk more!

4. Dads are willing to risk being vulnerable when they know that those around them stand in solidarity.

This is a powerful thing to observe in action. When one dad starts to cry, either because his heart is breaking or perhaps because he’s deeply grateful for a positive breakthrough with his girl, he doesn’t often know what to do when his emotion is so visible. I love when tears start to flow because it says that this is a courageous dad who has activated his heart. And it shows that he is willing to let his authentic self be seen by other men who are also in it to win it.

5. Dads are fiercely loyal to one another when they're on the same team or on the same side of the battlefield.

These guys literally bond as a “band of brothers” through this process of becoming more engaged, dialed-in dads. They champion each other when the chips are down, and when they mess up or are rejected by their girls. And then they celebrate with each other when the wind changes direction and the sun breaks through the clouds. I can often literally feel the support in the room as they rally together around each other. It’s a beautiful thing.

6. Dads thrive when their efforts yield positive results in the lives of the people they love, especially their daughters, thus inspiring them to invest even more.

I believe that it can be harder for men than women to press in relationally, especially when things are moving in a negative direction, away from harmony. Yet I’ve seen that as dads gain tools for enhancing relationships with their daughters, they transfer those skills to all their relationships, and as a result they are inspired to stay the course and keep doing what works.

7. Dads of all ages really do want the same thing: to get it right as fathers, to do it better than the generation before them, and to be the best dad they can be.

Though I know there are “deadbeat dads” out there, as well as dads who perpetuate the darkness that was modeled to them by their fathers, I stand aligned with those who want to change things for the better as they seek to set a new direction. That’s what my dad did and you can, too. I believe that you will leave a rich legacy as you work to be a great dad, a dialed-in dad, and one who impacts the course of history by positively investing in your children.

Wrapping things up, here are my final thoughts. I’ll call this my 8-word final manifesto for dads:

There is transformative power in a dad’s love. [CLICK to TWEET]

When you listen and affirm, love and care, believe in and express, pursue and invest, you give your daughter a key to changing her world, which she can then use to change the world around her.

That’s what I’ve learned from my six years of traveling to Mars.

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What Makes a Grown Man Cry

I wish you could sit where I sit and see what I see when I’m among a group of dads who have daughters. There is this kind of tender, fierce strength that I bear witness to time and again as I interact with fathers whose hearts are turned and activated.

You see, when it comes to fathers of daughters, there is a sacred space inside every dad’s heart that is uniquely impacted by his relationship with his girl.

I never take it for granted that I have the privilege of being invited into the inner circle of men via The Abba Project. I hear their stories. I listen to their fears. At other times I witness their tears. All are equally impactful. All are equally powerful.

I don’t assume that men typically think of their tear ducts as being tied to their greatest inner strength. But I believe they are.

Here’s the thing about tears:

• They come from the most alive place inside each of us

• They are connected to the deepest spaces of our heart

• They let us know that we care in substantial, significant ways

• They move us emotionally, spiritually, and relationally

• They awaken us to greater awareness

• They reveal that we’re linked to people and causes that profoundly matter

In an article titled, “Why Do We Cry? The Science of Tears,” Dr. Nick Knight describes three kinds of tears that are naturally created by our bodies:

1. Basal tears or “worker” tears that keep our eyes lubricated,
2. Reflex tears that help us wash out irritants, and
3. Psychic tears or ‘crying’ tears that correspond to strong emotions, ranging from pleasure on the positive end to stress, anger, sadness, suffering, and even physical pain on the negative end.

If I may be so bold, I would like to add my own fourth category.

4. Authentic or ‘heart’ tears that are expressed in direct proportion to the quality of a connected relationship that evokes this emotional response.

Stated otherwise, heart tears communicate the reality of what we carry most deeply within us, whether conscious or unconscious, in direct correlation to those we love and that which we love.

I can’t begin to tell you the number of times I’ve sat with men and women who say they were unaware their tears were even there until they showed up. Their surprising release of tears then served as the path to intimate depths within themselves, thus allowing for even deeper introspection and self-awareness by which to honor that which is being disclosed.

I guess you could say that tears are a gift because they reveal the truth of what is really going on inside of us. [click to tweet]

I’ll always remember the night during one of our Abba Project meetings when the heart of one dad, a firefighter named Scott, was powerfully expressed in a way that touched all of us in the room. While he allowed himself to be transparent, tears fell down his cheeks, giving each of us a treasured gift, a gift of his vulnerability. We were all changed as a result.

When Scott started The Abba Project he and his 22-year old daughter Katie weren’t as close as he wanted them to be. They didn’t talk much, and with her now living a couple of hours away, their times of real connection were few and far between. Then there was a turn of events and all of a sudden Katie was back living at home. Heading into their dad-daughter date night one particular month, Scott had the opportunity to open up the conversation about WORDS.

I’ll let Scott, with his permission, tell the story in his own words:

“We had our date at the house and when I went through the questions, asking her about words I’ve spoken that have hurt her, she couldn’t remember any. So I brought up things I thought had possibly had an impact on her. Still she couldn’t remember them. The wanting to know and the asking are what had the impact on her.

Then I read her the letter I’d written. She listened and then said, “‘Thanks Dad. I’m putting it in my ‘Affirmations Box.’ “

I didn’t even know she had one. She asked if I wanted to see it and then went to get it. She started taking things out of this medium-sized box and showed me what was there. I quickly noticed that there wasn’t anything in it from me. Until now, that is. She told me she was putting the letter I had just written her into the box.

It was then that I had a realization. Not only did I have no idea that she had an ‘Affirmations Box’ but I suddenly remembered that I had one of my own. I just hadn’t ever called it by that name.

I actually have a bag I use for work and asked her if she wanted to see it. I showed her that I have saved four things she’d made me that were in the bottom of it. One of them was a picture she’d drawn me when she was about 12 years old of Multnomah Falls with a truck driving on the road below and the words Oregon’s Biggest Waterfall written on the top. It was quite a bonding time for us. (Tears were readily streaming down Scott’s cheeks by this point in the story, as were ours).

Scott then concluded by saying:

Thank you for having me write the letter and read it to her so that I could find out about her box. I asked if I could help fill up her box now that I know about it.

She immediately said: ‘Yes.’”

What makes a grown man cry?

From years of observation I’d say it’s when:

• Something or someone profoundly touches his heart

• He feels emotionally connected to his daughter (or son), especially when he tells her what he’s feeling or thinking about her

• His heart is broken over her life choices, past and present

• His heart aches over regrets in his parenting, past and present

• He longs for a better and closer relationship with his daughter, even if his tears stay inside himself

Summing up, a good man cries when his heart tells the story through his eyes.

Katie's drawings that Scott forever keeps in his bag.

You have to believe me when I say that most of us girls feel our father’s love when you as our dad are moved to tears when talking about how proud you are of us, when you tell us how much you love us, and when you express your affirmation of the gifts you see in us. When you “wear your emotions on your sleeve,” it can make your words significantly more believable and impactful (even if it might feel uncomfortable while it’s happening).

And even if you’re not one given to tears, just remember that some people (like me) believe that it takes bravery for any of us to cry. Why? Because it takes courage to be seen as vulnerable and tender, and typically we won’t risk displaying raw emotion unless we feel safe and really feel something in the depths of our heart.

So Dad, why not give yourself permission today to let your daughter see how you really feel about her when she looks into your eyes while witnessing your love for her that just might come in the form of your tears.

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Burned Bridges: When Your Daughter Writes You Out of Her Life Story

I love it when a father takes time out of his day to write in response to something I’ve written. And because those messages touch me deeply, I am careful to take the time to respond in a way that lets each one know I care about his situation.

A recurring theme I hear in these emails is that of dads who are estranged from their daughters telling me they are a bit lost when it comes to figuring out what to do next. Their hearts are often breaking and they don’t know where to turn. I can truly say that it is an honor to be trusted with their stories.

Serving to illustrate the pain inside a father’s heart, here's what one dad wrote:

Why is it hard for my daughter to want me in her life? I ache in my heart and feel a part of my life is missing. My sister and daughter are very close and she says I need to release her to God's providence. I can't imagine my life without her. I need some wisdom. Thank you.

What would you write back to him if you were me? Could I ever write something that might come anywhere close to matching the intensity of his pain? I think not.

I often feel that any response I give will either be a disservice to the complexity of his situation or might negate the backstory of his daughter’s decision to write her dad out of her life story.  

Yet in each response I seek to put my heart on paper while encouraging him to never give up on his girl. I continually share my hope that he will keep pursuing her heart---going after what he knows matters to her--while also honoring her requested need for space. Tough balance, to say the least.

One of my close friends has been recently going through this kind of agonizing distance with his daughter. For three years he has had very little contact with her. I’ve asked him to share more about the real underside of this kind of heartache from a dad’s perspective. With his permission, he vulnerably lets us into his process.

Michelle: Have you understood her reasons for distancing from you or is that still a puzzle?

Dad: Yes kind of. She has a lot of anxiety and I cause her to be nervous. I was the “justice” parent and she hates to displease me. Her perception is that she displeased me a lot as a child – that was not my perception. She was the apple of my eye. When she was 12 she began distancing herself from me. I thought it was normal teen angst – but I realize now that it was much deeper than that.

Michelle: What has been the hardest part of her being gone?

Dad: I miss her terribly. It’s very frustrating not knowing what’s going on in her life and I want to help her but I can’t because I don’t know what’s happening.

Michelle: Is there anything you can share about what your thought process has been like in understanding/coming to terms with/being honest about the role you’ve played in her leaving home and not wanting contact with you?

Dad: I didn’t realize how sensitive she was to even the slightest negative comment. I’m not a screamer – and I’m much more encouraging than my dad was to me. So I figured I was doing okay. I tried to say three times as many encouraging things as corrective things. But still her anxiety has made it hard for her to hear anything but condemnation.

Michelle: What would you tell other dads whose hearts are breaking as a result of their daughter closing the door and rejecting them? How do you really deal with it when you literally are helpless to reach her, change her mind or draw her back?

Dad: You have to get to the point where it’s not about you. At first I used to think, “That little brat. She’s so ungrateful.” I thought about retaliating-- to teach her a lesson. “If things get really bad for her then she’ll finally appreciate me.” This is the stupid dialogue that went on in my head. But over time my anger cooled and I began to see the bigger picture: It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship. So I gave up my right to be right and waited patiently for her to communicate with me. That started again a couple of months ago.

What powerful and healing words: “It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship.”  (click to tweet)

This dad came to terms with the fact that his daughter's heart mattered more than his own hurt. Taking a humble, yet strong, stand like this must start with you, Dad.

I’ve spoken with many dads who admit they’ve had a significant role in destroying the bridge between themselves and their daughters. I want you to hear that I’m not standing in judgment of you for the past, but I am challenging you to take the initiative and make amends today.

If you’ve read my blogs or my book, you’ll recall me saying that men would rather do nothing than do it wrong. This applies to making amends too. Perhaps you’ve held off crossing the bridge to her heart because you think too much time has passed or she’ll never talk to you again because of an offense. This is where you’ll have to be wise moving forward. I’d suggest starting with a letter if she’s not okay with seeing you or doesn’t feel safe with you. Or perhaps texting--without expectation of response--is all she can handle right now.

But no matter the path you choose (or are forced to choose if she has closed the door), you’ll have to honor her boundaries and track with her level of comfort in the potential rebuilding process.

And never underestimate the power of prayer. She may not be okay with you talking to her today or tomorrow, but you can always talk to God today and tomorrow. Write out a list of things you will commit to praying for daily until you have answers from Abba Father God. Ask for miracles so that your daughter’s heart (and yours) can heal.

Another key piece of the rebuilding process (if this is where you’re at with your daughter) is to lay your weapons down. You can’t approach her with defensiveness or in “attack mode” if you want to repair the bridge.

If you care more about her hurt and her heart than you do about your position and being right, then here are some guidelines for rebuilding the bridge to her heart:

1. Ask questions with a sincere desire to know the answer.

“I know I hurt you with my words yesterday. When you came to me I didn’t listen well. You were right about that piece. I want to listen now. Can you please tell me again what you want?”

2. Ask forgiveness for specifics, not generalities.

“Last night I was tired after work and took it out on you. I saw the look of hurt in your eyes when I got angry, yet I chose not to meet you in the way you needed me to. Will you please forgive me?”

3. Never mix amends with criticism (subtle or direct).

(This is an example of what NOT to say) “I know I was harsh, but so were you. If you want to tell me now what you were saying last night, I will try to listen. But you need to meet me half way and not be as emotional this time around.”

I’m sure it goes without saying that this last tactic will bomb. The key is to picture her heart in yours and proceed with caution.

Sometimes, depending on the severity of the offense from a dad to his daughter (sexual, verbal, physical, or spiritual abuse, for example), you may have to live with the bridge the way it is for now or perhaps forever. What I do know is that any demands on your part will backfire, especially if there has ever been any misuse of power between you.

It’s your daughter who will set the rebuilding pace. And if she’s got the “stop sign” on her life and heart held up toward you, your best options are to:

• Do your own work. Find a mentor, pastor, or counselor to help you work through all that is being activated and stirred up in you.

• Pray for her and for yourself; be specific.

• Write letters to her (that you may or may not give her) that let you connect with your heart.

Before we close, here is some of what I wrote back to the hurting father I told you about at the start of this blog. And in case you’re a dad today who is in a similar situation with your daughter, maybe this plan will creatively mobilize you to action as well:

One idea for you during this time of estrangement from your daughter is to buy a journal and write letters to her in it. You may or may not ever give it to her, but either way it can be a place to express the desires of your heart to her—wishes, dreams, ideas, prayers, truths of who she is as you see her and God sees her, verses you pray for her, and random or silly things that you wish you could say to her. This book will serve as a time capsule of sorts should you choose to give her the journal sometime down the road.

Whether you’re a dad who needs to rebuild the bridge to his daughter’s heart or you’re building the bridge in a proactive way right now and things are good between the two of you, I’d suggest doing this journal idea. I cannot imagine a daughter alive who wouldn’t treasure a gift like this from her father. You could write in it once a week for a year and then present it to her on her next birthday or on Father’s Day as a surprise to switch it up and let her know how much you love being her dad.

No matter the method, no matter the cost, I trust you’ll choose today to invest your time and energy to become an expert bridge-builder to your daughter’s heart.

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How NOT to be a Foolish Father

Since today is April Fool’s Day, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to connect two powerful yet hopefully mutually exclusive themes: fathering and foolishness. This seems as good a day as any to once again give you a “what-NOT-to-do” approach to succeeding as a dad to your daughter.

Let me begin with a story from three decades ago. Right after college, at the age of 23, I attended a conference in Kansas City that was life-changing. It was the first time I’d gathered with 30,000 other college students with a goal to soak in amazing teaching about our faith in God while being challenged to actually live it out. One highlight that week was hearing from a woman by the name of Elisabeth Elliot, a woman I’d come to greatly admire after reading one of her books. As she stood up and told stories from her life and that of her late husband Jim (who had been murdered in the mid-1950’s), she shared a quote of his that has stayed with me ever since:

“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.”

She said that Jim lived his life with that kind of eternal focus constantly in view, knowing that he would never lose if his actions focused on investing in that which lasts.

And now I will do my best to apply his words to fathering. My translation of Jim’s quote is simply this:

A father is profoundly wise when he:

• intentionally and consistently gives of himself

• deposits daily life into the heart and life of his daughter

• is fully aware that every positive investment yields dividends that will extend past her generation into the next, which then...

• leaves a rich and lasting legacy.

I realize that’s a lot of words, but the essence of what I’m getting at is that when you, Dad, choose to daily attend to the life of your girl, you are the wisest of the wise, the best of the best, and the most strategic of men because your focus as a well-invested father will last beyond the here and the now.

After all, there’s not much that lasts after we’re gone; so why not leave heart deposits that last a lifetime, right?

The reward for being a dialed-in dad like that is not only having a daughter who thrives now, but who soars into the future. CLICK TO TWEET

My friend, Joe Kelly, cofounder of DADS (a national nonprofit organization called Dads & Daughters) says it this way:

“Fathers are the key to a daughter’s well-being, healthy development, and resilient self-image...and our greatest untapped natural resource.”

I love this description of you, Dads. This really is who you are.

So today, why not turn this into a ANTI-FOOLS DAY by proving to yourself that you have it in you to wisely and proactively connect with your daughter’s heart needs. Why not take the next five minutes and put your loving words, the ones you carry in the depths of your heart, into a text, email, or written note to your daughter telling her THREE THINGS you love and admire about her.

That is how you can actively invest in her heart space anew today, while making this the best-ever, non-foolish April 1st you’ve ever had, as you give what you cannot keep to gain what you cannot lose.

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What I've Learned About Fathering from Watching HGTV's Chip Gaines

I wish there were some kind of reward system in our country for fathers who step up to the plate and hit it out of the ballpark as a dad. In fact, I’m presently thinking about how to actually make that happen!

In the meantime I’ll continue writing about admirable fathers on my blog while highlighting what they’re doing right.

Of course you know by now that I'm highly attuned to watching relationships between dad and daughters. Even when I’m not trying to notice, I notice. It seems that no matter where I am---in a grocery store or at the mall or even at church---my eyes and ears are conditioned to observe the way dads interact with their kids, as well as the way their kids respond back. I truly believe that their interactions in public say a lot about what goes on in private, at home.

I've spent the better part of a year paying attention to and admiring one particularly dialed-in dad on TV. His name is Chip Gaines. He’s married to his co-host, decorating genius Joanna, and the show is called Fixer-Upper. They have a magical gift of taking the least desirable house in the most desirable neighborhood and turning it into their client’s dream home. And they really do!

However, as impressive as their construction and restoration skills are, there is something I find much more remarkable. It’s a combination of the fun, positive, and respectful way they relate to each other as husband and wife and the way they beautifully parent their four adorable young children: two boys and two girls.

With a Twitter following of almost half a million between them, clearly I’m not the only one who is drawn like a magnet to this incredible couple.

I think one of the reasons America has fallen in love with them is that the way they relate to one another is contagious. I find myself wanting to know them personally while wishing somehow that I could transport myself into the center of their family dynamics.

As I have watched Chip interact with his children, I have noticed a number of qualities and behaviors that I think every dad would be wise to emulate.

Here’s a summary of what I’ve gleaned from watching Chip Gaines:

1. This dad really likes and enjoys his kids. He clearly loves talking with them, laughing with them, playing with them, even wrestling and rough housing with them, especially when he morphs into a human jungle gym. It’s obvious that his children feel his positivity and delight in being their dad.

2. His kids feel comfortable being themselves around him. They appear to be fully engaged in life when dad is there. They jump and run, twirl and dance, explore and take risks, ask questions and follow directions. I guess you could say that they get to be kids who have fun being kids without fear of dad forcing them to grow up before their time.

3. This dad sets limits for his kids. At various times all four kids are instructed by dad to do or not do things. He says “yes” and “no” to their requests. He provides boundaries by guiding them in both indoor and outdoor activities.

4. His kids follow dad's lead by respecting each other. Of course we all know that there are edits to the final version of each episode, yet a consistent theme I’ve noticed is that his children treat each other is in like kind to the way he treats their mom. Additionally, the way he relates to and honors them parallels the way they relate to and honor each other. Once again, more is caught than taught.

5. This dad listens to his kids. He looks into their eyes when he talks to them or when they talk to him. And he responds to their questions with answers that are spoken with kindness and are age appropriate. What matters to them matters to him.

6. His kids are given opportunities to enter into dad’s world. Whether it’s coming to a job site, going on an errand, or getting to help dad with a project, Chip lets his kids get up close and personal to see what his life is about. He invites them to look at and take part in that which is important to him, in work and in play.

7. This dad never speaks with harshness to his kids. Again, I realize that editing is potentially king here, but repeatedly all four of them are relaxed and calm in dad’s presence. They appear to have no fear that dad may yell or react, even if they make a mistake. They aren’t shamed or criticized, but are redirected and corrected when necessary. As a result, their naïve and vulnerable childlikeness is refreshingly evident as they spontaneously interface with life as it unfolds under dad’s care.

8. His kids are invited to grow and become responsible one event at a time. Because children learn by doing and actively participating as they learn life lessons, this dad goes the extra mile to make that happen. Whether buying chickens as a practical way to teach them how to tend to life on a farm or selling the eggs of said chickens, these kids are on the path to entrepreneurship, all because of dad’s intentional fathering style that engages them first hand in the areas that he believes will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

9. This dad loves his kids' mom. The real, apparent love Chip has for his wife is literally transmitted through the airwaves from Waco, Texas to every viewer’s home. I don’t know how that can happen but it does. When a dad loves his children’s mother, it gives his kids a sense of security and safety that frees them up to thrive and truly be themselves without worry that life as they know it may crumble or falter. This is a powerful gift from a dad to his kids. (Even if a marriage has already ended, a dad can still choose to not speak negatively about his child’s mother).

10. His kids follow dad’s lead in honoring his faith traditions. From inviting his children to kneel on the dirt road to their home to dedicate their farm to God or praying before a meal, it’s clear that these little apples haven’t fallen far from the tree. The gratitude that dad has for the life God has given him is emulated by his four children who respect dad enough to readily follow his example.

Thank you Chip Gaines for taking your television show about remodeling houses and actually using it to teach us what it looks to remodel a home---on the inside----one that has love and respect, boundaries and fun.

Thank you for giving a hands-on demonstration to dads in America (should they watch your show, that is!) of what it looks like to be a father who pursues the heart of his wife and his children intentionally and consistently.

And thank you for revealing that it takes a lot more than brick and mortar, shiplap and paint to make a house a home. For when a dad truly loves and leads his family, everyone wins.

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