You're Not Wearing That, Are You?!

As you can imagine, when dads ask me questions about how to be a better parent to their daughters, it’s not uncommon to have scenarios that range from how to handle blue hair to short dresses to low cut shirts to tight pants. There’s nothing more horrifying for a dad than to see his daughter heading out to face the world in something that shows way too much booty (or any body part, for that matter!).

One such thought-provoking question was posed to me when I spoke to a group of men who had gathered early one Friday morning at their kids’ school for Dads and Donuts (a monthly forum where dads come to the campus, listen to a speaker, and connect with each other…all while being “bribed” by a plethora of free donuts!).

Grant spoke up first and said,

“My daughter is in 7th grade and we got into it just this morning. She was heading out the door to school when I caught a glimpse of what she was wearing. There was absolutely no way I was okay seeing her in an outfit that was clinging to her body and showing that much skin. I told her she couldn’t wear it, and of course, the sparks flew. My question to you is: How could I have handled that situation differently?”
 

Right then, with every dad staring at me, waiting for the “magic answer,” I realized that they were all commiserating with him and feeling his pain. They all knew he needed an answer that would fix the problem…today. With that reality in mind, I responded by saying,

“My guess is that once your daughter was upset with you, the whole intense interaction between you escalated, which caused her mom to jump in to comfort your daughter, then leading mom to be angry with you because they were your comments that led to her daughter crying and it was your fault. So not only was your daughter upset with you, but now mom was too.”

It was then that Grant blurted out, “Were you at our house this morning?!”, prompting laughter from all the guys, which I heard as the incredible sound of tribal support.

I took a breath and continued,

“The first thought that comes to my mind is that it’s never a good idea to have a confrontation when your daughter is on her way OUT the door. She had probably already put her outfit together the night before and had matched her makeup and her hair to coordinate with her outfit. And now you wanted her to change it all in a matter of minutes. There is no way that we as girls can change course that fast, especially when it comes to our clothes.

Secondly, the next question that comes to mind is: How did that outfit get in your house in the first place? I’m guessing that mom was involved in the decision to buy it. Therefore, it seems like you and she need to have this conversation before you and your daughter do.

But most importantly, your daughter is at an age where she needs to learn HOW to think, not just WHAT to think. What would it be like if you were to say something like this to her:

‘I’m a guy and I know how guys think when they see a lot of curves and skin on a beautiful girl. I imagine that with the outfit you’re wearing, it’s going to be hard for boys not to stare at you and be focused on your body today. But rather than ask you to go change your clothes right now and throw your whole day off before it even starts, I want to give you an assignment and then the two of us can talk about it when we both get home tonight. I’d like you to watch how guys look at you today in that outfit. But you’re probably going to miss some of it, so I’d like to have you ask two of your girlfriends to be in this experiment with you. I want them to watch too and give you their feedback at the end of the day. How does that sound?”

It was then and there that Grant’s look of distress immediately turned to a relieved smile. “That would have been really good to have known this morning!”

I realize that I don’t have all the answers about how to be a dad to a daughter, but having been a teenage girl, I responded to this dad borne out of how I wished my own dad had responded to me when I was her age. I do think it’s easy for dads to unnecessarily pull “the power card” with their maturing daughters when in the long run that stance isn’t always helpful in areas that aren’t about life or death.

Instead, I encourage you dads to work at listening to your daughter’s point of view on these kinds of tricky issues because the truth is that she’ll be out of your house before you know it and then she’ll be making decisions on her own. You may have to meet her halfway and concede sometimes. If you only tell her what you think and rule with a heavy hand (e.g., “No daughter of mine is going out of the house looking like THAT!"), she’ll not learn HOW to think and make good decisions on her own if you always make them for her.

I know you’re trying to protect her and that’s awesome. But truthfully, it’s more about HOW you navigate the situation with her than anything. It’s about your tone of voice and body language that will make or break the conversation (and timing, of course). Come to her with a calm stance and not anger. Approach her the way you’d want your boss or colleague to approach you---with respect. Treat her the way you want to be treated.

That, my friend, is the best way to prepare your daughter for adulthood.

So how about ending with an action step today. Since this blog is about the clothes your daughter wears, what if you were to surprise her by telling her that you want to take her to the store for no particular reason and let her pick out one new item of clothing [Click to Tweet]! I assure you that she’ll always remember that event with you (and that item) for the rest of her life.

Then while you’re at the store with her, she’ll be choosing something that has a memory of you tied to it. And when she wears it out of the house, you can be the first one to smile, wink at her, and say, “You’re wearing THAT today? You, my dear, look beautiful!”

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The Day My Pastor Made Me Cry

With tears streaming down my face I hugged my pastor, giving him the biggest hug I'd ever given him after his Sunday morning sermon.

“Thank you for having the courage to stand up there and say it. Thank you for being a voice of truth today.” I could barely eek out the words, but my grateful heart fueled my meager words.

“You could have preached this message,” he said warmly.

“No,” I asserted, “it needed to come from you. You had to be the one to address this, not me.”

Pastor Randy told our congregation that day that he was going to be preaching on a subject that hadn't been the focus of an entire sermon in our church’s 50-plus-year history: sexual abuse and sexual assault.

He didn’t downplay the severity of impact of sexual violation.
He didn’t blame the victims of sexual crimes.
He didn’t give pat answers to the hard questions that are woven through this intense issue.

Sitting in the pew I had known what was coming because he had informed me a few days earlier. He knew I had a vested interest due to my counseling experience. But truth be told, the significance of this issue isn’t just because I’m a mental health specialist; this is much more personal.

Most often in my Dad-Daughter Friday blogs I seek to bring practical ideas to you as dads that I trust will enhance your relationship with your daughters. Yet today I’m going to be moving in a slightly different direction. I want to share some of my story with you.

There’s no easy way to say it, so I’ll just say it: I am a survivor of sexual abuse.

First, I want you to notice that I used the word ‘survivor’ rather than ‘victim.’ Actually, a more accurate way to say it is that I am a ‘thriver’ of sexual abuse. It’s important to me that you know I’ve not just survived sexual trauma, but I have been able to thrive because of it. Yes, you heard me right. I am who I am, where I am, and doing what I’m doing because of what I’ve been through, not in spite of it. I have much more empathy for others because now my deep trench of woundedness that used to dictate the way I live no longer exists, and for me it's been healing to accept truth that roots in my relationship with God.

Now you have a bit of the backstory to provide a context for why it meant so much to have my pastor stand in the pulpit and lend his voice of support, not only to me, but to a large portion of our congregation who shares a similar history. As I’ve perused the literature to find current statistics from national agencies on this topic, I’ve read that on average there are 288,820 victims (age 12 or older) of rape and sexual assault each year in the United States, which translates to 20 million women, or 18% of our population (not including guys who are also victimized). This means that at least 20 million fathers have daughters who have been molested.

I’ve also read that one out of every four girls and one out of every six boys is sexually abused before the age of 18. Sadly, many of my colleagues and I have found in clinical practice that these numbers appear to be low, especially when we factor in data from the U.S. Department of Justice which states that only 30% of sexual abuse victims report these crimes. Yet regardless of the exact numbers, I can say from personal experience that it’s heartbreaking to live with intense internal distress due to what someone else has done to cause harm and not have those atrocities addressed in church.

Whether or not you’re one who likes church, believes in God or a Higher Power, or reads the Bible, I hope you can appreciate what I’m saying about the powerful impact this had on me when my pastor choose to boldly say from the pulpit,
 

“When I look in 2 Samuel 13 at the rape by Amnon to his half-sister Tamar, one of the hardest parts of this story is the silencing of the victim.” (I agree).

“Not only that, but if the church is silent on this issue then people will believe that God is silent.” (I agree).

     “And this morning we're not going to silence Tamar!”

He went on to say that to stop sexual abuse, we must:

1. Hear the stories of victims in order to GIVE THEM THEIR VOICE BACK.
2. Believe their stories.
3. Look at the power structures that exist.
4. Resist passivity (he spoke primarily to dads here).
5. Protect passionately (again, he was speaking directly to fathers).

Did you notice that these last two items were addressed specifically to dads? Resist passivity and protect passionately. What do these directives mean exactly? Let me share my thoughts.

I’ll begin with a story told by my friend Kendra, one that she has given me permission to share. When she was four or five years old, her dad walked in and found an older boy sexually abusing her. He got angry and they never talked about it again. That left her confused about what his anger meant. Was he angry with her? Was this her fault? Despite her questions and confusion, what she knows now is that this early childhood experience shaped her future relationships with guys and led to confused sexual boundaries, not to say anything about what it did to her relationship with her dad.

Please hear me when I say that when a father chooses to never talk about a sexual violation that his daughter has experienced, it messes her up inside. Big time. I guarantee that she will believe that she did something to cause it and that it’s her fault. And she will not only know that what happened to her was bad; even worse, she’ll believe that she is bad.

Dad, resist taking a passive stance and choose to walk into this conversation, uncomfortable as it may be for you.

You want to ensure that your daughter doesn’t internalize the implied or directly stated destructive messages from the abuse or her abuser. If you never tell her the truth from your vantage point, she will be left to navigate this on her own, which rarely leads to a positive conclusion. Her faulty beliefs based in lies will negatively shape her self-esteem, self-confidence, and her identity for years to come.

Secondly, Dad, protect her passionately. This means taking the time to do whatever it takes to find out what’s really going on inside your daughter in this area of sex and sexuality:

• Look into her eyes and read what they are saying. You will see whether she is hurting or thriving by simply getting close enough to look at her.

• If she is a minor, don’t be afraid to check her phone. Even if she throws a fit, make sure to keep tabs on what is being said and what pictures are being exchanged.

• Don’t stop there. Check her computer from time to time. Look at her history to see what she’s watching and what she’s drawn to on the internet. Talk with her afterwards. Teach her how to think, not just what to think, as your input shapes her choices.

• Meet the guy she is spending time with or dating. Look into his eyes; they’ll tell you a lot about his motives and character. You want him to fear that if he violates your daughter, he’ll be held accountable by you. That’s why you want to meet him early in their friendship/relationship. Don’t believe her when she tells you that there’s nothing going on between them because usually there is if he’s hanging around a lot. Let him know that your daughter is your treasure and you expect him to treat her with honor.

• Spend time regularly talking with her about the little, seemingly unimportant things to set a foundation for when “the biggees” need to be addressed (dating, curfews, friends, boys, spending limits, car usage, house rules, scholastic objectives, future plans, life goals, spirituality, God, convictions, etc.).

• Find out what your daughter loves and create ways to connect with her by doing those things. One dad recently told me that his high school daughter loves coffee. He “speaks her language” by treating her to coffee, which provides a space for spontaneous conversation while they’re both sipping a cup of java.

Remember that “the best defense is a good offense.” Spend time pursuing your daughter’s heart by listening, looking in her eyes, and loving her in tangible ways (which most often involves money, whether it’s taking her out for coffee or a meal, to a movie or the mall).

One more thing: I can assure you that as a woman with a sexual abuse history, it was very hard for me to share my story with my dad. And he really struggled to hear it because he had to face the fact that he wasn’t able to protect me or stop it. I’m telling you this part of my story because it’s important for you to know. I’m guessing you’ll probably feel the same way should you hear something similar from your daughter.

I encourage you to find a time to navigate this topic with your girl and initiate the conversation where you ask if anything has ever happened to her in the area of being sexually violated. Let her know that if she ever has something to tell you in this arena, you are there for her, you won’t get angry with her (that’s key), you will believe her, and that you will support her through the healing process. Telling the story is the first step to healing.

And rest assured that if your daughter cries when opening up this subject, it reveals that she is connecting to her deepest, truest self while feeling real emotion. And by giving her your listening ear, wrapped in compassion, you are making a forever deposit into her heart space.

Remember…tears are good. And because they have salt in them, they really do enhance the healing process.

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If I Could Whisper to Dads

It all started two years ago during an interview on a nationally syndicated radio program that heralds out of Chicago called Chris Fabry Live. I had just written my book, Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart, when Chris and I had the privilege of talking about it. An incredible host, Chris knows how to talk about dads and daughters in large part due to the fact that he’s a father to NINE children!  

During the interview he said something that caught me by surprise, while simultaneously touching my heart: “Michelle, you should be called ‘The Dad Whisperer.'” I was immediately moved and excited that he affirmed my deep desire to positively support fathers.

Let’s be honest. The fact that I, as a woman, am passionate about fathering isn’t the norm among my female colleagues. And yet my passion grows year after year as my heart aches for women across this nation who make really poor life decisions that can often be traced in large part to a “dad wound” or a “dad void.” In an attempt to address the root of the problem, God has sent me to Mars as an ambassador, I guess you could say.

Ever since Mr. Fabry suggested I be called "The Dad Whisperer,” I have cherished that name. I continue to be overwhelmingly amazed that men write me and call me asking for input about their relationships with their daughters. And I’m thankful they know that I’m their ally and am championing their cause to be a better dad.

A few months ago I was telling a male colleague about my being called "The Dad Whisperer" and he boldly said,

“Michelle, you do understand us men and we can tell that you do. Actually, this is a fitting title for you because you actually are a dad whisperer. In truth, we don’t like being shouted at by a woman and we wouldn’t listen to you if you did!”

So here I am, two years after hearing that title from Chris, and have recently accepted an invitation by a local radio station to host my own program. I probably don’t have to tell you the name we’ve landed on...The Dad Whisperer!

In preparation for my inaugural program that will air at 2:30 p.m. on Mondays in Portland, Oregon on 93.9 KPDQ starting October 17th (for those of you who don’t live in the area and want to listen, I’ll be posting the podcasts on my website at drmichellewatson.com), I was challenged to finish this sentence:  

If I could whisper to dads, I’d want them to know…

• How much they matter. Despite anything that men may have been told by our culture, the media, their family, or even their girls (especially during adolescence when most everything is upside down and backwards), their influence and impact makes all the difference in a daughter (and son) being strong and healthy and vibrant. Daughters (and sons) internalize their dad’s view of them. That’s one big reason why dads matter.

• That they don’t have to be perfect, but they have to be present. In other words, there has to be the investment of quantity time, not just quality time (which runs counter to what we often hear, but the truth is that time is key to deepening relationships). When you’re home, Dad, your family needs time with you (not all your time, but some of your time) where you are available---listening, asking questions, playing games, eating meals, laughing, wrestling, throwing the ball, helping with homework, watching a favorite tv show together, etc.

• Their affirmation goes deep, and sticks. I don’t know what it is about a dad’s words that pack such a punch, but they do. The research confirms this as well. Conversely, words that are contrary also stick. But since my goal here is to come alongside and support you in your desire to do fathering right, I want to remind you of the power of your positive words to motivate, inspire, lead, and breathe life into the core of your kids.

• That apples don’t fall far from trees. What I mean by this is that your kids are a reflection of your positive and negative traits. I imagine that the child in your home who has a special knack for pushing your buttons is probably the one who is most like you. So rather than focusing on what your son or daughter is doing wrong and camping on constant correction, try looking within yourself and make changes there first. Then your little apples will be healthier and sweeter since the tree is standing tall with deep roots.

• That I am their champion. For real. No hidden agenda. I promise! I honestly don't have a desire to control or manipulate you men. But I really, really, really believe that if the hearts of fathers turn towards their children then our whole nation will improve for the better. Girls will stop "looking for love in all the wrong places" (cue music) and boys will stop pursuing physical power as evidence that they are strong enough and will instead believe in who they are apart from performance. Hmmm… I guess that goes for girls too.

So there you have it. I guess I’m officially embracing a new title: The Dad Whisperer.

As I get started, feel free to send me questions you’d like me to address on the air or “hypothetical scenarios” that might have you confused or lost or stuck as a dad to a daughter (how’s that for a good way to say that your stories will always stay confidential). Write me at drmichelle@thedadwhisperer.com and let’s start the conversation.

I’d be grateful if you could humor me as I finish with the most corny close to any blog I’ve written to date! This is a variation on an old quote I heard years ago that comes to mind as I sign off:

“I’ll see you here, there, or ON (rather than IN) the air!!”

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Guest Blog: Teaching Your Daughter to Stand Up to You

Join me in welcoming guest blogger, Jim Jackson, co-founder of Connected Families, and a leader in promoting healthy families.  

Early in life it became clear that my little girl, Bethany, loved pleasing people. If what she wanted was not what others wanted, she'd give in to the energy of whomever it was she was eager to please. This is a great trait when obedience to a parent was the issue, but not so great when it came to standing up for herself on the playground. For a short season I would figuratively pat myself on the back whenever Bethany quickly and willingly did what I asked. What a great parent I was! Or not.

Maybe the way kids respond to our parenting is not as much about our great (or not so great) parenting as it is about the combination of their personality, developmental stage, and in Bethany's case, fear of disappointing.

As I thought more deeply about it, I realized that in order to keep the peace and please people, Bethany would say yes to things that it might be best for her to say no to. For example, her grandma used to love to give Bethany a big kiss every time she saw her. Not just any kiss, but a big sloppy wet kiss. I knew that Bethany hated how this felt, but that she was more interested in pleasing Gramma than in standing up for herself. So she'd let Gramma kiss her, and then get anxious every time it was time to visit Gramma.

At first I didn't think it was a significant issue. But as I looked into her future it occurred to me that the sooner Bethany learned to stand up for herself when appropriate, the stronger she would be to set good boundaries for herself as she grew up. So I invented the "not the way it works" game.

The inspiration for the game came from Gramma, who before kissing 5-year-old Bethany would say, "If you love me, you'll give me a big kiss!" See what she did there? Of course Bethany wanted no part of not loving Gramma, so she'd oblige, even though she didn't like the kiss. Imagine how this could play out over time with others - particularly with young men. Not that any young man would ever use that phrase on my precious offspring - but just in case - the "not the way it works" game was born.

It started out simply enough. "Bethany" I'd say from the comfort of my recliner, "If you love me, you'll go get me a blanket." She'd bring the blanket and then I'd say, "Good. Now, if you love me, you'll give me a big kiss!" and I'd pucker up. I could see the discomfort of her tension, wanting to please, but not wanting my spit on her face. Just as she reluctantly turned my way I'd say, "Bethany. It's OK to say no to this if you don't want a kiss because you can love me but not kiss me. So give it a try."

It was hard for her at first, so I kept coaching her, several times a week, to say, "I love you daddy, but that's not the way it works!" I did it with fetching slippers, or scratching my back. Little by little she became more comfortable saying no.

The big test came when it was time to go to Gramma's. I worked with Bethany to respectfully let Gramma know that she was loved, but that Bethany didn't want a kiss. Bethany practiced, "I love you Gramma, but that's not the way it works. Can we just hug instead?" We high-fived!

When it was time Bethany followed the script perfectly. Gramma seemed hurt and later asked, why won't Bethany kiss me? I encouraged her to ask Bethany directly, which she did. Bethany responded, "I don't like lip kisses. I just like hugs." That seemed good enough for Gramma and has never been an issue since, and Bethany stopped being anxious about going to Gramma's.

Over the years I have played the "If you love me" game less frequently. Even into her 20's I'd play it once in awhile as a throwback, and Bethany still answers with confidence, "That's not the way it works!" The best news is that when pressed by young men to do things she’d rather not do she gives the same answer - with confidence.

I realize in the writing of this that there is a fine line between obeying parents and being manipulated by parents. Using this strategy over the years helped me better define that line and stay respectful not just of Bethany but of all three of my kids when making parental requests.

Today, Bethany has a healthy view of authority and sets good boundaries for herself in relationships of all kinds. She'd tell you today that she still struggles a bit with people-pleasing, but that it's never gotten her in any regrettable trouble. And she’ll also tell that Lynne and I both helped her learn what love without strings is all about, and she’s now making great relationships choices as she forges her way through life.

Jim Jackson and his wife, Lynne’s, ministry purpose is to inspire and equip parents to embody God’s grace and truth in compelling ways. Learn more about their ministry at www.connectedfamilies.org or check out their recent book, Discipline that Connects with Your Child’s Heart.

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To Fight or Not to Fight, That is the Question: Navigating Dad-Daughter Disagreements

One of my favorite things is receiving emails from dads and daughters who ask questions about how to better their relationship. Not that I always have the perfect answer, but there’s something refreshing about an authentic, heart-felt inquiry that opens up an honest interaction. I respect the courage it takes to ask vulnerable questions that have the potential to start movement towards proactive change.

Here’s a question I received recently from a 20-year-old young woman:

Hi Michelle,
I think it would be helpful if you talked to dads about how to handle disagreements. My step-dad and I had a big fight over the weekend and it left me feeling like although we have improved our daily relationship, nothing has changed when it comes to the big stuff. I think it would help the fathers that you work with to learn conflict resolution skills.

Let me ask you a couple of questions as you ponder her words:

1. Does this sound like a woman who wants a better relationship with her step-dad, or one who doesn’t care about how they relate?
2. Do you think her underlying belief may be that her step-dad is to blame while she carries little to no responsibility in how things went down?

I tend towards believing that she must care about their relationship or she wouldn’t have written me. I also hear her implying that her step-dad bears the primary weight of responsibility in moving their relationship in a better direction, which happens to be something I agree with.

Here’s why:

• You, dad, have to lead by example.
• Change has to begin with you.
• You must set the tone for how you want your daughter to respond to you and to others by modeling healthy interactions with her. For example, if she yells at you and you yell back, things will quickly disintegrate and deteriorate (which you already know, right?!). So you cannot justify a harsh response to her when she has a disrespectful response to you or there’s no parent in the lead.

Believe it or not, your daughter doesn’t like it when her relationship with you is off-kilter. In fact, we girls don’t do well when our primary relationships are out of tune. So even when our defensiveness rears its ugly head, underneath it all we want there to be harmony. I’ve discovered that men typically want the same thing.

Here are a few ideas to help you as a father lead your daughter in resolving conflict:

Dad, I realize that it’s super hard, if not impossible, to pursue your daughter’s heart when one or both of you are heated. I also know that in order to lead your daughter in a way that is congruent with your heart goals you will need to embrace humility and gentleness while remembering how much she deeply matters to you (as opposed to focusing on her reaction to your reaction or vice versa).

This week I’d love to see you choose one thing from this list of ten resolution ideas and let me know how it works…in the trenches.

Turn the fight to right by leading with love. It’s the best way to diffuse a disagreement…every single time.

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Six Words That Will Make You a Better Dad

IT'S ARCHIVE AUGUST! For the month of August, I will be reposting the most popular blogs from the past year. Happy #daddaughterfriday! See you again in September! (This blog was originally posted on April 16, 2015)

Are you old enough to remember the craze in the 60’s and 70’s where really cool prizes (a.k.a. “cheap gimmicks”) were tucked inside cereal boxes? I can still see my sister and I begging my mom to buy the cereal with the most alluring prizes, regardless of whether we even liked them (which I’m sure set a foundation that thrives to this day because I’m still a sucker for a deal!).

One of my all-time favorite prizes was a decoder ring that I somehow believed would instantaneously transform me into Sherlock Holmes because I now had the tool for solving the mysteries on the back of the box (it’s amazing how inexpensive toys brought such joy back then…but that’s another story for another day).

The thing that sticks out in my mind about decoder rings is that they instantly provide the link between the problem and the solution. Without the magic ring the problem is left unsolved and unanswered.

If you’re a dad to a daughter, the question I pose to you is this: Do you ever wish you had a decoder ring to better translate, understand, and relate to her?

If you’re anything like the dads of daughters I lead in The Abba Project (a group for dads with girls between the ages of 13 and 30) you are often left scratching your head as your daughter matures into her teen years and beyond, sometimes wondering where “daddy’s little girl” went. As your potential confusion and overwhelm rise, it can easily lead you to make a reactive decision where you back away while turning to mom and saying, “Here, you’re a girl---you handle it.”

Child psychologist Dr. James Dobson poses a powerful question: What does a girl need from her parents when everything has gone topsy-turvy? The answer, he says, is more attachment, not less. 

To further underscore the point he adds, “Even when she is most unlovable, she needs love and connectedness not only from her mother but also from her father.”

So what do you need to be a dialed-in dad who is sensitive to your ever-changing daughter even with all of her ups and downs?

I believe the answer is tucked inside an obscure story in the middle of the book of Joshua (by the way, even if you’re not one to crack open the Bible I hope you’ll hang in here and keep reading. It’s a really cool narrative…I promise!)

This is a story about an incredible dad who got it right with his daughter. He says six words that, if emulated, will make you a better dad starting today.

Quick backstory: Caleb is an Israelite spy who, along with his friend Joshua, went on a journey to check out what was called “the Promised Land” to find out if it was inhabitable. After their exploration there was one BIG problem: there were giants living in it. But instead of being intimidated, these two guys saw with eyes of faith and believed that God would give them the land regardless of the overwhelming odds.

Now we'll fast forward to a later time when Caleb is interacting with his married daughter, Achsah. Just like her visionary dad, she was a courageous woman who wasn’t afraid to ask for what she wanted. It’s obvious that her dad had modeled to her what it meant to be bold and forthright.

Let’s pick up the story in Joshua 15. “One day when Achsah came to her husband, she urged him to ask her father for a field. When she got off her donkey, Caleb asked her,

“What can I do for you?”

I love that question from dad to daughter. It’s so simple yet so profound. These are six words that every dad should memorize and use regularly. I believe they will positively impact the way your daughter interacts with you if you put them into practice.

Here is Achsah’s response to her dad’s question: “Do me a special favor. Since you have given me land in the Negev, give me also springs of water.”

She obviously had a foundation of relationship to ask her dad for “a special favor.” She knew he would listen. She had no fear of asking for something in addition to the first gift he’d already given her. She trusted that he would respond.

The amazing thing is that he does it for her. We read that “Caleb gave her the upper and lower springs.” 

Do you notice:

• How easily she responded to her dad’s question about what she wanted without holding back?
• How he offers himself as the solution to her request?
• How he gives his daughter more than she asked for?

Dad, I encourage you to begin making these six words a regular part of your interactions with your daughter: “What can I do for you?” It's not about throwing things at her; it’s about bringing YOU to the relationship. I guarantee that these few words will be a game-changer in the way your daughter responds to you.

Who would've thought that a father from the 16th century BC could provide such a profound six-word code that dads in the 21st century can use to unlock their daughter’s heart? Thanks, Caleb, for being a fantastic role model of a dialed-in dad.

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FURTHER THOUGHTS ON "25 THINGS A DAUGHTER NEEDS FROM HER DAD"

It's Archive August! For the month of August, I will be reposting the most popular blogs from the past year. Happy #daddaughterfriday! (This blog was originally posted on March 13, 2015)

It’s been fun to hear from many of you about how much it helped to read real responses from daughters on the 25 things they really need (as opposed to want or perhaps could even live without) from their dads.

As I’ve been pondering the insightful comments from these girls (who literally are between the ages of 9 and 89), I’ve decided to organize them in an even more succinct way (See men, I’ve listened to what you’ve told me, which is to “get to the point already!” You said you want things presented in a concise way with bullet points. So…here goes.)

If you think about it, with this organized list where all 25 things are presented in two columns it should help every dad on the planet strategize with more clarity because each of these things is about doing something. Every one of them requires action.

I’ve only ever met men who say they are wired to fix things when the women in their lives share problems or needs with them. Sitting and “just listening” is typically counterintuitive. Even this week in The Abba Project, the dads were laughing about that very fact as they highlighted that if women don’t want them to fix a problem then maybe they shouldn’t share it with them!

But seriously, I know that we as daughters really do want you dads to know what we need so you can do something. Here’s my best attempt to break it down clearly.

Ten of these requests involve talking and 15 of them require doing.

1. Talking---Communicating

• Affirmation (“Approval,” “Praise,” “Hear him say out loud ‘I love you’”)
• Apologize
• Be proud of me (“To know I’m not a disappointment to him,” “No judgment,” “Less criticism,” “Faith in me”)
• Tell me I’m beautiful (“Compliment me, especially about my looks”)
• Talk to me and open up about himself, his pain, his faults, his hopes (“Let me see that he is human, that he fails, that he makes mistakes, and then show me how to make it right,” “Time alone where I get to know him and his childhood”)
• Prayers (This means either talking to God about her or talking to God with her)
• Guidance (This one requires interaction and communicating so I’m including it here)
• Sense of humor
• Teach me about things (This could also go under the “Doing” category but since it requires verbal interacting to teach her things I decided to put it here)
• Tell me you love being my dad

2. Doing---Taking Action

• Time (“To show interest and involvement in my life,” “To be available”)
• Affection (“Hugs,” “Physical touch”)
• Unconditional love (“For who I am regardless of my failures”)
• Pursue me (“Desire to get to know me,” “Interactive conversation where he is asking me questions about myself,” “To actively seek me out and find out what I am doing, what I am interested in, WHO I am”)
• To work on his temper so I can feel safe (“Not to crush my spirit”)
• Not to change me (“To let me be me,” “be accepted for myself—not for what I did or failed to do”)
• Honesty (“I need him to be honest with himself. When he's honest with himself, it frees him to be honest with me”)
• Just listen
• Protection
• Be an adventurer…with me
• Instead of not being there, please be there (“Instead of handing me money, ask to come with me and take me shopping or out to lunch”)
• Believe in me
• Never give up on our family
• Show me how a real man treats a woman
• Support my ideas and dreams (This one could have gone under either category but since this involves both talking and showing up for the things she’s interested in as a way to support her ideas and dreams I decided to put it here)

So, Dad, here's the way you're going to become the hero you want to be and that your daughter needs you to be:  Each day choose one thing from this list and do it.

This gives you enough things to cover an entire month. And with the extra five days you can repeat the ones that get the best response from your daughter.

Below, I’m going to attach a flow chart of these 25 things that you can print out and use to record your progress this next month. It should help you stay on track as you make these things happen.

Meet her needs today and you will get filled up in the process. I promise.

Printable Chart: "My One Month Chart for Meeting my Daughter's Needs"

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Your Daughter Needs You to Hold Her Safe in the Storm

It's Archive August! You may be asking yourself, “Haven’t I read this post before?!” My answer is, “Hopefully, yes, and please read it again!” Why? Well, because I’m taking the month off to rest and refuel for a busy season ahead! For the month of August, I’ll be reposting two of my “Best Of" Dad-Daughter-Friday blogs. I hope “the second time around” provides you with new insights, or the chance to put something into action you haven't yet tried. If you’re new to my blog, welcome! I look forward to September, when I'll be back with fresh thoughts that express my passion for dads dialing in to their daughters. Thanks for traveling with me this last year. Here's to another great year of walking together.  [Original post September 11, 2015]

If it’s true that a picture is worth a thousand words, then this one is valued at a million. When I first saw this picture posted on Facebook it immediately melted my heart. There’s just something about seeing a daddy protecting his little girl that has a way of reaching in and touching the deepest place in all of us.

I think for those of us who are daughters, we project ourselves into this photo and wish we were the one being held safely in the arms of a dad like this. Even when we’re grown up.

And if this picture itself isn’t enough, here’s what mom Sarah included as her caption:

"We got caught in a huge thunderstorm and flash flood warnings alerted on our phones. Addie was the only kiddo not covered in the stroller, but she loved getting drenched. She keeps talking about it to Tom, "We were in the rain together and you held me." #nycsummer #dctrip"

Oh my. Have there ever been more profound words spoken by a three-year old?

"Dad, we were in the rain together and you held me."

The storm itself didn’t scare her.
Being unprepared for the crazy weather conditions didn’t prove to be too much for her.
Even standing on the unpredictable streets of Washington DC didn’t overwhelm her.

Why? Because her daddy held her. In the rain. Through the storm.

Dad, I know how much you loved the days when you held your baby girl tight as she was scared. You might still tear up when you recall how she’d come running to you with her arms outstretched and wanted only you to comfort her. As you reached down to pick her up you felt like your heart would burst with love as you held her close. Back then you would tell her that everything would be all right because you were there.

But then she grew up and didn’t seem to need you as much. And it left you feeling a bit lost. You wondered how were you going to save the day if she found her own umbrella and no longer came running to you when her skies snapped, crackled, and popped.

It was then that you packed up your superhero cape. But along with that a part of you shut down. You assumed that now that you weren’t being called to active duty in the same way you once were that now you were unnecessary.

Please hear me when I say:

• Dad, we always need you
• You are always necessary
• Whether near or far
• Without you we struggle to feel safe in the downpour
• No matter what age we are

The reality is that even though we now are navigating storms on our own, we inwardly wish you could be there to shield us and do the heavy lifting when the big bad wolf comes to huff and puff and blow our house down. It would be easier to run to you every single time something hard hits out of nowhere. But we know we won’t grow up if we do that.

At some point we have to stand strong in the storms by ourselves.

And you can rest assured that we’ve taken what you’ve taught us and we forever hold it inside. All that courage you’ve instilled is now a part of who we are.

The thing is that our storms just look a little different now than they did when we were little. But they’re storms just the same. And we still need you to hold us tight, but with a bit more room in between us.

Dad, you hold us safe in the storm and save the day when you:

• Come home every night, making us feel safe and cared for
• Provide for us and work hard to do so
• Love us unconditionally even when we’re prickly and crunchy
• Tell us that a B is just as good as an A because we did our best (Believe it or not, we’re harder on ourselves than you can imagine and we need you to ally with the part of us that tried, not the part of us that was less than perfect because disappointing you hurts more than the low grade)
• Spend time playing with us and doing life together
• Teach us how to drive without getting frustrated with us through the learning process
• Wipe our tears and tell us that he was a stupid boy who doesn’t know what he’s losing
• Help us fill out our FAFSA---and other complicated forms---with patience and attention to detail
• Show mercy and grace at times when a consequence is deserved
• Make amends and ask forgiveness when you’ve said or done something to hurt us, especially when it doesn’t align with your heart toward us

The list goes on but you get the gist.

The truth is that we need you to hold us safe in the storm, whether the storm is on inside of us as the sky is falling or whether the downpour rages around us. When you’re calm and patient and loving and kind through it all, you are our safe haven.

This is the story of a daughter who feels loved and secure in her daddy's love. How I long for the day when every daughter will know that her dad will hold her safely in the storm. [Click to Tweet]

p.s. And just so you know, the dad in this picture told me: “I will never forget that moment as long as I live.”

(Dad, give your daughter a BIG HUG today, one she will feel to the core of her being. And if she’s far away, call and tell her you will always be there no matter what. Mark this day with an extra dose of action-oriented love).

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How the Quinceañera Teaches Fathers to Celebrate Their Daughters

Recently I read a heart-warming story tucked on the back page of a small-town Oregon newspaper about a traditional Latino celebration as told through the eyes of a father. It was only after reading the article that I realized it was actually written by his daughter! This indicates to me that she got to feel and hear what her big event was like for him…at a heart level.

Clearly this dad’s love for his daughter is evident as he shares his perspective on the biggest day in his 15-year old daughter’s life, her Quinceañera, as it officially marked her leaving childhood behind while publicly embracing womanhood.

Though I’ve never attended a Quinceañera, this story makes me wish I had. I’m truly in awe of the precision to detail, preparation, planning, and investment of time and money that goes into one single day for a teenage girl. What a forever gift she is given by her family! And similar to that of a wedding day, the focus is centered on a single “flower” who blossoms in front of all who come to celebrate only her. Even in the written story I could feel the incredible love that is poured over her, especially from her father, as four main events represent her transition from little girl to grown woman:

• the changing of her shoes from flats to heels
• her dance with her last doll
• her crowning with a tiara
• the dance with her father (which is said to be the most important part of the entire event)

Especially touching in the article was a picture of dad kneeling at the feet of his daughter, removing her flat shoes while slipping onto her feet a pair of heels, as if she was a princess at the ball. In response to this interaction dad says,

“Seeing her walk in heels was probably what made it all real for me. She hadn’t worn heels because she wasn’t supposed to, so seeing her stumble around and try to find her balance was just reminding me that she was going to struggle on her road ahead and she was going to have to make herself stable again on her own.”

And there was dad, nearby, waiting in the wings, ready to catch her if she did indeed fall.

Dad continued by explaining how emotional it was for him to see his daughter laughing and smiling while dancing in her sparkling dress holding her favorite doll. He found himself reminiscing about how it seemed like only yesterday that she was playing with Barbies. It had gone by so fast and now here she was all grown up. Yet as her dad, he was filled with joy as he proudly showed her off to everyone.

Reading this story made me wonder what it would be like if every branch of society took a cue from cultures where dads actively celebrate and mark their daughter’s maturation in some kind of significant way. I’ll take the liberty here of being blunt by saying that from what I’ve heard over the past few decades of coming alongside girls and young women is that for many of them the event that marked their right of passage from childhood to adulthood was a fleeting sexual experience, that of a one night stand. Not always, but rarely is she left feeling valued or celebrated. Instead, she may feel used, unwanted, undesirable, or maybe even unloved.

BUT…what would if be like if dads everywhere found a way to let their maturing daughters know that as a dad they are dialed in, present, and on board as she transitions into and embraces womanhood?

I wonder what would happen if every girl, like the one in this article, knew that she had a day marked out for her where her dad treated her like the belle of the ball in a significant and celebratory way to confirm that she has profound value in his eyes. She would have that day and that event to look forward to long before it took place.

And if a big shindig isn’t your daughter’s style,

• maybe you could take her on a dad-daughter hike to a beautiful place in your state initiating a new annual tradition that celebrates her love of adventure and nature.

• maybe she’s the type of girl who would enjoy a dinner party hosted at a restaurant with a few family and/or friends where you could surprise her by writing and reading a letter about what gifts you see in her that make you proud of her.

• maybe you could have a fancy dinner at home (one that has her favorite food and done in an extra special way that shows forethought with décor and fancy dinnerware) where you read her a handwritten letter while the rest of the family listens, ending with a dance in the living room to a pre-selected song. Ask another family member to record it for future enjoyment (at least by you if that isn’t her thing!).

• maybe she would like a piece of special jewelry that will remind her every time she wears it that she’s your girl and you love her to pieces.

• maybe she’s wired to do a risk-taking activity that activates her adrenaline while proving to herself that she’s brave, like bungee jumping, scuba diving, climbing a rock wall, or running a half marathon (and the best part is that you can do it with her…if you’re able--or be there to cheer her on, if you're not).

These are just a few ideas to hopefully spur your creativity and motivate you to plan ahead by creating an event to let your daughter know that you are excited to see your little girl grow up. Share your ideas with her and together decide what would have the most meaning to her. And if she’s already grown, you can do still do this in retrospect; she’ll still love the fact that you’re celebrating her now.

Dad, let’s start with practical steps. Connect with your daughter today---through your written, texted, or spoken words---and let her know that you celebrate the girl and woman she is. She’ll shine inside and out as you honor her today!

(*The original newspaper article is posted in The Beaverton Resource Guide, June 2016, p 18, http://www.beavertonresourceguide.com/beaverton-teen-talk-quinceanera-celebrating-one-girls-coming-of-age/)

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Be The Reason She Turns Toward God as a Father, Not The Reason She Doesn’t

In 2010, ABC News presented the findings of a groundbreaking study by Froese and Bader summarizing the four ways that Americans view God. I was astounded to discover that only 22% characterized the Almighty in a positive way, primarily describing him as benevolent. The other 78% claimed to see God through a negative lens, viewing him as critical (21%), distant (24%), or authoritative (28%).

When I first read this article, my immediate thought was: I wonder if the 78% who view God negatively also have a critical, distant, or authoritative father who’s shaped the way they responded to this query.

I’ve been speaking to male and female audiences for the past few years about the correlation between the way we relate to our earthly father and our subsequent response to God as a Father. Almost always, tears are shed by some as tangible pain begins to surface once the connection between the two is made.

Afterwards, it’s typical for those with tear-stained cheeks to make their way to the front, courageously trusting me with their stories as their inner vaults are opened. My heart consistently breaks as gut-wrenching backstories of father wounds and father voids are told. Whether male or female, these folks tend to live with significant vertical challenges.

After one such presentation in Colorado I met 31-year old Elaina. She’s given me permission to share her story.

I wanted to tell you that it was kind of hard for me to connect with what you're doing with dads because my bio dad is almost totally absent and my stepdad is, well, my stepdad . . . so it seems almost impossible that I could ever use the skills you're teaching.

HOWEVER, I found it really helpful when you had us free associate words for father.

I came up with absent, jerk and lonely-which really helped me when I was talking to my counselor yesterday, trying to describe my experience of my dads!

Anyway, I'm so grateful that you're doing this work with dads. If there had been someone like you around or a workbook detailing what you do, it might not have had to be this way between me and either of my dads. Maybe then I would have a better image of God and would not hop from father figure to father figure, trying to find someone to affirm me and feed my father hunger.

For the first time in her life, Elaina realized that she had unconsciously projected onto God a skewed negative perception because of two fathers who were poor representations of him. Yet her courageous new awareness started to unravel the knotted cord of confusion that had unwittingly woven its way around her heart and mind.

I believe that the horizontal and vertical are synonymously related. And I also believe that our relationship with our dad significantly influences our view of God as a Father.

To explore this theory further, I decided to conduct my own informal research a few years ago by asking girls between the ages of 13 and 30 to share their thoughts with me on this topic. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions based on what you read.  

Question: What have you learned about relating to God as a Father or about connecting (or not connecting) with your spiritual side from watching your dad?  What does he model to you (or not model to you) in terms of spirituality?

• That I want to get as far away from it as possible. Not because what he believes is right; on the contrary.

• From when I was little my dad took me on dates. He always said he wanted to model the kind of way a man should treat me, but I don’t think he realized how much that taught me about the nature of God’s love. That has been so huge for me as a maturing woman. God isn’t this far off entity, but rather He wants an intimate and caring relationship.

• Oy…my family hasn’t been particularly religious for a long time. I can’t honestly say that I remember when my parents stopped attending church. For me it was a very definite point in my life, but I don’t really know for them. Dad and I have never really talked about spirituality. So, I dunno…

• He has definitely modeled that God the Father is the only true and perfect father, and that only he can satisfy the void in our hearts for that kind of person. I see him relying on God the Father to fill his heart, and it inspires me to do the same.

• I have learned that my dad has an entirely separate connection to God than do I. He models to me that it is good to be a good person, no matter what you have to do to get people to like you. For him it is all about receiving, not about giving. 

• NOTHING!!! My “father” is a hypocrite and I would never want to model any of his ideas to my own children or any other person that I come in contact with.

• One of my favorite pictures of God as my comforter is an image of my dad holding me when I was little. When I am needing to just cry to the Lord for his peace and comfort, I often get the picture of being a little kid crawling into my Dad’s lap and arms on our old lazy boy chair in the living room. My dad models unconditional love, authenticity, encouragement, and comfort to me. 

• My Dad doesn’t pray with me. When I was a little girl my Mom prayed with me at night, but I’ve never prayed with him or talked with him about any spiritual issues.

• My dad has always shown unconditional forgiveness. He does not hold grudges, but easily forgives. This is a true blessing! I know that when I come to my dad or my Heavenly Father to confess something, I am accepted, forgiven, and loved.

• I don’t know. Honestly, I haven’t thought of my step dad as my dad until recently, so I haven’t looked at him to model things for me.

• I don’t believe that my dad models a lot when it comes to spirituality; I think I have drawn my own conclusions from his more subtle modeling in the past. I don’t really associate my dad with the Christian Father.

As you can see, some young women are drawn to a Heavenly Father because of the foundation set by their dad while others aren’t.

My friend and pediatrician Dr. Meg Meeker, author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, has a powerful way of highlighting this theme. I resonate with her assertions:

Your daughter needs God. And she wants you to be the one to show her who He is, what He is like, and what He thinks about her. She wants to believe that there is more to life than what she sees with her eyes and hears with her ears. She wants to know that there exists someone who is smarter, more capable, and more loving than (even) you. If you are a normal, healthy father, you should be glad that she wants to believe in someone larger, because you know all too well that many times you will fail her…

You are just a normal, good-enough dad doing the best you can. You need to have someone behind you, someone your daughter can turn to when you’re not there.  You both need a bigger, better father on your side.

You need to tell your daughter what you think and believe. What you believe will have a strong impact on what she believes. And if you feel you need to start your faith journey right alongside her, do it. She’ll love it. 

Dad…I realize you have a weighty assignment when it comes to being a bridge to help connect your daughter to God as a Father. And I imagine you would rather be the reason she turns towards him rather than the reason she doesn’t.

Here are a few ways to help make that happen:

1. Know that this isn’t about you being a perfect father because only God is a perfect Father.

2. Choose to be authentic, honest, real, and humble----which boils down to be willing to admit that you too make mistakes and when at fault, ask forgiveness and make amends.

3. Seize every opportunity to be honest with yourself (and her at times) about your questions and fears when it comes to God and spiritual things.

4. Seek real answers to your real questions.

5. Model what it looks like to be a learner who takes time to feed your spiritual life.

6. Pursue knowing her heart in loving, consistent, honoring, intentional, gracious, kind, and nurturing ways.

These steps will set a strong and positive foundation where she will be more apt to connect with God as her Father because you led the way.

And finally, I’d like to encourage you to take an action step today (or schedule dad-daughter time today for later in the week) by opening up a conversation with your daughter about spiritual things. Below I’ve attached a questionnaire to guide you to that end. Write and tell me how it goes. I’d love to hear!

Dad to Daughter Questions on Spiritual Issues (PDF)

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