Dads are Thermostats, not Thermometers: Lessons from a Military Dad

Jackson Drumgoole is a field grade Army officer and the senior force management advisor to the Commanding General of the 7th Infantry Division on Joint Base Lewis McChord. Today he shares two of his top goals as a father of three girls.

As a dad with three daughters - one 12-year-old and two 9-year-olds - I am learning as I go, just like you. And having been in the Army now for 22 years, I find that the learning process for me as a father looks a lot like life in the military with a mix of challenges and defeats, successes and victories.

I know as fathers it’s easy to bring home the stress of our jobs, even though we know that it never bears positive dividends when we do. Here are a couple of proactive strategies I’ve found that help to support putting my love for my girls into action.

This first goal focuses on my interactions with them while the second centers on me.

1. Divide and comfort vs. divide and conquer

I have discovered that when my pre-teen "snaps" or acts condescending towards her younger siblings in my presence I address it immediately. Oftentimes, I make sharp corrections in order to deescalate the situation, which typically goes like this,

“Honey...is that your best response?”
“Does that sound like something that I or your mother would say or do?”
“NO-DUMPING-BUCKETS!”

Everyone in the house already knows that this means to never intentionally demean another person. We are constantly teaching respect, honor, and esteem in our home during times of peace.  

Nevertheless, at the first opportunity, I separate my little ladies for "age appropriate" counseling, comforting, and family reconciliation. What's so interesting for me is learning how well they each articulate their desire to be respected by the other siblings.‬

My wife and I have laid a tremendous amount of groundwork, as a married couple of 15 years, in modeling proper conflict management. We also stress the importance of maintaining family integrity and respect.

Additionally, because my two 9-year-old daughters so admire their big sister and desire to be valued and respected by her as a peer, I simply use the power of the word “remember.” When interacting with my 12-year-old, I may say,

"Do you remember how you felt when you were 9 years old and...”

This automatically shifts her from a defensive posture and places her in a mentoring role. When interacting with my 9-year-olds, I may say,

"Remember, you girls will be pre-teens very soon and...”

This gives them a sense of hope, and they immediately start giggling and celebrating with youthful optimism.

I must also remember that these little ones are simply flesh and blood looking to be accepted, seeking to be adored, and longing to be appreciated. It is my honor to be able to provide that for them.

My heart’s desire, as a father, is to foster an atmosphere of love, respect, and cohesion while creating amazing memories for my children. It is essential that each of them know that I am here to not only protect them physically, but emotionally as well.

2. Pull over

After a long stressful day at work, I so look forward to jumping in my car, turning on a podcast or favorite song and getting home as quickly as possible. There is always so much on my mind and it seems impossible to turn off: deadlines, presentations, the next “thing to do,” questions, doubts, things to coordinate, things to uncoordinate…my head is spinning just thinking about it and I know that I am not alone.

I often find myself taking my stress home and downloading on unsuspecting loved ones. What used to be an everyday routine family reunion when I came home, turned into a run-for-cover-retreat event for the kiddos. For my family’s sake, I found something helpful that I would love to share. It’s very simple and takes as long or as short as you’d like. 

Simply pull the car over. 

David Code, author of Kids Pick Up On Everything: How Parental Stress Is Toxic To Kids, suggests the most critical thing that we transmit to our kids is not our declaration of love, but to provide them with a sense of calm and the absence of stress. Code suggests that stress causes our little ones to accommodate for these vague senses of impending danger which impede normal brain development. 

Code claims that in the famous rat experiments, what’s being transmitted from mother to pup is not love, it’s peace: “By spending a lot of time grooming her pups, the mother rat is saying to them, ‘times are so good and predator-and stress-free that I have lots of time to lick you guys.’” The same reasoning applies to dads, minus the licking.

This is a part of our protection and preparing plan. Code recommends creating calm around them so that they feel no sense of danger.  

Now instead of going straight home, I’ve found that it helps to:

• pull over and decompress

• put things in perspective

• walk into the house creating an atmosphere of calm, safety, peace, and protection.

Proverbs 15:4 reminds us that the soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit. 

Remember Dads, we are thermostats not thermometers.

Be the First

You were the first man to…

• hold her hand and win her heart

• give her a kiss and snuggle her close

• read a bedtime story and tuck her in bed

• wipe her tears and calm her fears

• save the day and scare the boogey man away

• teach her to ride a bike and throw a ball

• lead by example, working hard to provide

• treat her like a lady, giving respect

• love her for being uniquely her

• treasure her, the apple of your eye

All of these things are solid and good, necessary and wonderful, essential and positive.

But it can’t stop there---especially as she matures. Here are a few ways to grow right along with her:

Are you now the first man to…

• say you’re sorry when you’ve hurt her heart

• admit fault when you’ve been harsh

• humble yourself, asking her to forgive you

• soften your tone before she softens hers

• listen to her when she’s had a hard day

• have her back when she needs support

• believe in her when her friends betray

• embrace her after a guy breaks her heart

• hug her and hold her and dry her tears

• go the extra mile when she has a need

• extend grace like has been done to you

• pursue time with her and engage her heart

Dad, you were her first love and that will always be true. 

And now you have an opportunity to keep the first love theme going by being the first to model kindness, forgiveness, grace, and compassion. Let her know by word and deed that she can always run to you because you’ll always be there.

Why not choose one thing off this list of firsts so you can more proactively put your heart of love for your daughter into action today.

Why not be the first to initiate and lead while making that change to enhance your relationship with your daughter.

Better yet, why not be the first to write to tell me about it at drmichellewatson@gmail.com. I always love hearing from you.

Who’s going to be first?!

An Open Letter to Dads of Daughters

On this Father’s Day weekend, I want to give you a gift from my heart to yours…a gift of words. (I know that probably isn’t exactly your first choice, and you’d much prefer a paddle or a fitbit, but this is the best I can do from afar!). I want to begin with some validation and encouragement (just in case you don’t hear it enough!), and then end with a challenge.

As a father, you no doubt have a lot of weight on your shoulders and I’m guessing that you often feel overwhelmed with all that’s expected of you, even though at times you try to ignore the intensity and immensity of that reality. (I know this because many of you have trusted me enough to tell me what this is like for you).

And much of the time you find it easier to push away the discomfort of facing your own inadequacy so that you don’t have to sit in the space of admitting that it might actually be true  that you’re not enough.

But if you peel back the layers and allow yourself to be honest, even vulnerable, you’ll discover that every other father is feeling the exact same way---with a sense of being less than competent, at least when it comes to relationships. Perhaps it’s most noticeable when the women in your life say they need more from you or point out areas of ineptness. And that’s when you find yourself falling into a pattern of slinking back into your shell (or, as author John Gray says, into your cave) to find safety from the perceived attack.

But dad, you weren’t made to shrink back and hide. That’s not where you thrive. You were created to pursue and conquer, to hunt and gather. The truth is that you’re at your best when you’re taking action while proving to yourself and the world around you that you have what it takes to courageously go after the things--and people--you love and believe in.

So here you are, living each day with a wealth of experiential knowledge, some of it amazing, and some of it painfully debilitating. Yet all of it has brought you to where you are today, shaping the way you see yourself…and everyone around you. And it’s out of the overflow of all those experiences that you parent your daughter.

Now here’s where I’m going to go a bit deeper by addressing the “painfully debilitating” part.

Those devastating experiences, when left unhealed, lead you to believe that you don’t have it in you to live any differently or respond in ways other than the hand you were dealt. Those wounding interactions have left you stuck, which then have you repeating unhealthy relational patterns that really don’t work for you---or your daughter, for that matter.

Sadly, I meet too many deflated men who have lost their drive and ambition, especially when it comes to pursuing relationships. Somewhere along the way they’ve succumbed to the lie that they can’t be more than their history or their failures while believing that they’re destined to repeat mistakes that were modeled by their fathers.

Truthfully, this whole way of thinking and interpersonal relating breaks my heart because I see men who have shrunk back while using self-protective strategies so as not to be hurt again, usually like they were as kids. But those strategies create distance between them and the ones who call him “dad” while also keeping their offspring from reaping the benefits of being loved by the one man whose opinion matters most.

To make matters worse, instead of rising up to meet the challenges of fighting to maintain close relationships, men with these defaults too easily resign themselves to a position of impotence rather than being valiant pursuers and initiators, traits that I believe God created all men to embody in their DNA.

You see, when a father steps back, removes his armor, concedes before engaging, and walks away (literally or figuratively---such as when he is there physically but not emotionally), not only is he deflated, but so are his kids. Further, something disastrous happens inside of him when he believes that he doesn’t matter and instead defers to their mom. That’s when something inside him starts to atrophy.

From observing men these past seven years since founding The Abba Project, I’ve noticed that something begins to die in a man when he believes that he can’t rise up, change, make a difference, or lead his family. Even this past weekend I talked with a dad who said he’s a terrible father and seemed resigned to that fact. I literally stood in front of him and wept. Yes, it was awkward for a minute or two, but my heart was breaking for his children…and for him…because it seemed like he was believing a lie that his story can’t be rewritten at this point in his life. 

So what do you do if you didn’t get what you needed from your dad? What if that empowering, strengthening, life-giving deposit was never transferred from your father to you? Are you forever destined to a sense of stifling inadequacy in the core of your being? I don’t believe so.

Today I stand aligned with your spirit and affirm that you are a son of the best Dad ever.

And He as your Father makes you enough. 

Don’t let another day go by where you believe the lie that you don’t have what it takes to be a great dad. With God pouring His resources of “enoughness” into your depths, you will have enough to pour into your daughter (and son).

Humbly ask for supernatural help while being open to letting your Heavenly Father fill you with His wisdom, insight, strength, courage, tenacity, tenderness, compassion, and on it goes. God says if we ask for wisdom, He’ll give it. No questions asked, no groveling, no earning His favor. It’s simply His gift.

As you pray this prayer, I guarantee that if you sit in stillness and listen, God will download ideas that will lead you to connect with the unique needs of your daughter. Spend at least five minutes waiting for the download to come, and then immediately act upon the things God tells you in order to reach the heart of your girl. You might think you’re fabricating things as you listen, but it will get much easier to trust God’s voice when you put into action the ideas He gives you and see that they work.

So even if you don’t hear it enough: You matter. And every day that you give of yourself to your daughter is a day that changes her life…and yours.

Dad, I wish you the happiest Father’s Day ever and I CELEBRATE YOU as you continue to embrace the most important job you’ll ever have: being a dad.

Need a Father’s Day Gift Idea?

Hi Friends…

If you’re like me, sometimes you don’t exactly know what to get your dad for Father’s Day. So I’m coming to your rescue with a gift idea that keeps on giving!

 Why not order my book for yourself---or to give out as a gift to any dad of a daughter you know who could use a little extra support when it comes to successfully navigating the path to his daughter’s heart.

To make it even easier, simply click the button to grab your copy of “Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart”.

Thanks for helping me spread the word about my book as my hope is that it will continue to be a helpful resource for fathers who are ready to engage their daughter’s hearts in more proactive and intentional ways than ever before.

Happy Father’s Day to each of you dads, and I am always here cheering you on!

 Big hugs, Michelle

DAD BOOT CAMP: Five Bold Ideas For Dads To Engage Their Daughter's Hearts

I’ve heard it said that men do best when they’re challenged. And not just challenged to do something possible, but something bigger and harder than they could ever imagine doing.

Case in point: I watched a documentary awhile back where men voluntarily attended a week of grueling military boot camp, paying large sums of money to be pushed past their limits. Why did they do it? They said it was simply to prove that they could.

The only way these guys knew if they were capable of surviving the challenge was to make a commitment to go the distance no matter how hard it was along the way. After hearing this story, it brought home the truth that brave and bold go hand in hand.

If you are going to step into your daughter’s life in a braver and bolder way than ever before, you will most likely be doing things you never thought possible, things that might even make you feel a bit uncomfortable or less than competent. But I know you’ll do whatever it takes to reach her heart, even if it’s out of your comfort zone. 

To reach that goal, may I suggest a five-step path for boldly engaging your daughter's heart in order to ensure your rank among other courageous, risk-taking, valiant dads who are stepping up to put their love for their daughters into action.  

For easier recall, let’s use your hand as a template for these five things:

 1. Thumb

• According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, a healthy relationship needs five deposits to every one withdrawal, so make sure to build her up five times more than you correct her.

• Ask yourself: How often do I communicate my disapproval with a "thumbs down" in contrast to the times I give her a “thumbs up” to celebrate her successes?

2.   Pointer finger

• Point her in the right direction by the choices you make, even behind closed doors.

• Be aware that she will follow after you because she longs for your approval.

• Ask yourself: By the way I live my life, in what direction am I pointing her?

3.   Middle finger

• Need I say more?! But what if your tallest finger became your reminder not to “give your daughter the finger” in moments of anger and rage, but instead to stand tall with personal integrity by modeling the very attributes you want her to embody?

• Ask yourself: Am I leading with anger or am I treating her in a way that leads her to stand tall with confidence?

4.  Ring finger

• This finger is typically reserved for the ring that tells the world she has a forever love.

• Ask yourself: How have I shown love to my daughter today through my words, attitudes, and actions? (because if you don’t show your love, she won’t know your love). 

5.  Baby finger

• The most fragile of all the fingers, this one reminds us that a daughter’s vulnerable heart is most beautiful when it is open, which happens naturally when treated with tender loving care.  

• Ask yourself: Have I responded to her with gentleness and kindness, respect and love today?

 The truth is that a woman with an open heart will not only change the world, but will engage the world in like kind to the way her heart has been engaged. You, dad, have a key role in facilitating that process.

  Let today be the day you push past your limits to boldly engage your daughter’s heart…just to prove that you can!

P.S. If you want to hear more of my heart on the influence of a dad in his daughter’s life, as well as some of my own story, you can listen to a conversation with my friends Leary Gates and Armin Assadi on their BoldIdea Podcast. Enjoy!

The FATHER Formula

If I could give you a “1-2-3 Quick Fix Formula” for being the best dad alive, would you want it? Of course you would! It’s human nature to want the fastest, easiest, and most efficient path possible to success.

But when it comes to fathering, it doesn’t quite work that way. It’s the “slow and steady wins the race” pattern that really makes all the difference.

In other words, the most effective fathering tool is simply showing up.

Taking it a step further, I want to assure you that you don’t have to do big, extravagant, out-of-the-ordinary things to be a hero to your daughter. It’s all about being there for her in the day-in-and-day-out routine that matters the most.

If you recall the things your dad did that had the most value to you as a kid, I’m guessing the biggest impacts were often the seemingly small, regular things he did that now bring back the fondest memories---from playing catch or teaching you to ride a bike to letting you barbeque alongside him or raking leaves together. It’s those everyday things that communicated that you were worth his time and effort.

So what means most to a daughter?

It’s being there to kiss her boo-boo’s (which get harder to make all better the older she gets) and letting her know that you want to understand where she hurts.

It’s about saying “no” to watching the game on television and “yes” to knocking on her door just to hear about her day.

It’s about having breakfast on Saturday mornings while watching cartoons or listening to her favorite music, reading the paper or talking about what interests her…even when it’s not your favorite subject.

It’s being at her track meets to see her win…or lose.

It’s about being willing to sit with her through torrents of tears and biting your tongue when everything inside you wants to give a mini-lesson (a.k.a., a lecture) that says, “I told you so,” or “how many times do you have to do it wrong before you’ll finally get it right?”

It’s about looking at her in the eyes to see her responses to your intensity (namely anger) and being willing to ask forgiveness when you’ve over-reacted and hurt her, thus closing her spirit.

It’s about giving her hugs even when she tells you she’s too old for cuddling…despite the fact that she longs to be close to you and needs to know you cherish her.

It’s about making sure that your job doesn’t consistently take priority over your family while choosing to remember that the greatest legacy you will ever leave is your kids, not your work.

I acknowledge that this fathering thing is not for the faint of heart. Truth be told, it actually would be easier if it wasn’t so daily. And it sure would be easier if your daughter came with a playbook.

But here you are, willing to learn what she needs so that you can give her one of the best gifts ever: your love.

So here is a fathering formula to assist you as you pursue your daughter’s heart, six things she needs from you. Whether you’re a dad who is already dialed-in or a dad who knows there is room for improvement, this provides a way to evaluate where you’re at while developing strategies for “kicking it up a notch” today:

The FATHER Formula is a template for you to gauge where you’re at when it comes to putting your love for your daughter into action. Write and let me know how it goes because I love celebrating with you as I applaud your willingness to make the FIRST move by AFFIRMING and TALKING with your girl, all the while finding the HUMOR in life around you, not taking yourself so seriously, and never giving up as you seek to ENGAGE her heart by communicating encouragement because you REALIZE how much your daughter needs you to be proud of her as you celebrate the uniqueness of who she is.

These six things will dramatically improve, revive, reinforce, and strengthen your relationship with your daughter. It’s all about getting in there and showing up, no special training necessary.

All you have to do is try.

And if you want The FATHER Formula in just twelve short words, here’s my summation: You don’t have to be perfect; you just have to be present.

Transfer of Power

You can breathe a sigh of relief because I promise you that this isn’t a political post. I’m only using this concept as a reference point to talk about fathering.

Let me ask you a question: What comes to mind when you read the three words in the title, Transfer of Power?

I’m guessing that your immediate thought ties to a change of position or roles between political leaders or administrative parties. That’s what comes to mind when I hear those words too.

During our recent election season I heard this phrase used repeatedly during the transition that took place in our highest office of government. And because my mind is always thinking about fathers and daughters, I found myself pondering how a similar dynamic happens (or should be happening) in homes when it comes to preparing kids to launch. I’m referencing that time when a daughter (or son) officially heads into adulthood around the age of 18. There really is a transfer of power, especially when she (or he) steps out from under the parental roof.

Since this child-to-adult transition is inevitable, the question for dads is this:

What steps are you taking to prepare your daughter to be independent, confident, and self-assured as she moves into adulthood?

Here’s one way to build a framework that addresses this question as taught to me by a colleague whose insight was honed from raising two children, as well as hosting 100 foster teenagers.

“By the age of 18, most kids are making the bulk of their own decisions, so why not let them make 50% of their own decisions by the time they’re nine years old. Then when they’re 14 or 15, let 75% of their decisions be their own. You want to let them succeed and fail while you as the parent are there to help them work through it.”

When I first heard this idea, it seemed ludicrous! Who lets their nine year old make 50% of their own decisions? Yet as I’ve given it more thought, I can see the wisdom in it.

The more a child is empowered to think for themselves---which includes learning the hard way, making mistakes, falling down and failing, but then getting back up while having parental support---the more empowered she (or he) will be to carry themselves in a similar way outside the home.   

And what dad doesn’t want his little girl to be strong and assertive, to be one who doesn’t follow the crowd but stands on her own two feet while thinking for herself?

Yet as good as all of that sounds in theory, remember that if you want your daughter to embody those qualities outside your home, she’s going to have to learn how to use those skills inside your home. In other words, your home is her training ground. And you, Dad, can support her process of transition into adulthood long before the day of her actual launch while strategically enhancing her level of success just by the way you interact with her every day until then.

I am keeping my promise for this not be a political post, yet feel compelled to highlight something I noticed between our outgoing and incoming presidents that recently impressed me. Regardless of which side of the political aisle you sit on, I believe this story holds a lesson that fathers can take to heart when it comes to preparing their daughters to leave home.

I saw former President Obama on the news last week, showing up after a long period of virtual obscurity. I’m guessing that most everyone (including me) expected him to finally weigh in on President Trump’s first 100 days in office, but instead he said something that I found surprisingly refreshing. He said that former President George Bush refrained from ever publicly criticizing him after leaving office and now he was going to do the same. I liked that. For once it meant that I didn’t have to tense my emotional muscles and brace for a televised verbal assault.

Here’s how Globe Columnist Jeff Jacoby put it:

“Obama has the same right as any American to speak his mind in public. Yet it’s a right he should refrain from exercising when it comes to his successor. In the modern era, most former presidents have taken pains not to openly criticize or second-guess those who succeed them in office. That reticence is commendable.”

Perhaps in the midst of all the recent political insanity there is something to be gained from observing these two powerful leaders. They no doubt disagree on a majority of issues yet have found a way to honor each other in this transition process regardless of their differing beliefs and convictions.  

Dads, how might you do the same with your daughter as she leaves (or prepares to leave) your home and step into adulthood?

Can you refrain from openly criticizing and second-guessing her decisions, especially those that are different from yours?

Can you give her grace to wrestle through questions and boundaries, relationships and choices while allowing her the freedom to make mistakes while always letting her know she is loved by you no matter what?

Can you opt not to show negative facial expressions when she tells you of a choice she’s made that you wouldn’t make or disagree with?

Can you pace with her process while matching your responses to her level of maturity?

Can you affirm those things she’s doing well rather than focusing primarily on areas of defeat?

Can you listen in such a way that she will keep opening up to you rather than shutting you out because she feels your disapproval?

If your daughter is nearing the age where she is ready to be launched, may I suggest three questions that you can ask her today:

1. How can I best stand with you in ways that make you feel encouraged, supported, and let you know that I’m on your side--especially as you prepare to leave home?
    

2. Is there anything I’m doing, saying, or implying that makes you feel that I don’t want you to succeed or don’t want you to leave the nest?
    

3. What are you most scared about as you think ahead to being away from home and what can I do to help you navigate that challenge?

I know you want your daughter to succeed. You want to save her from heartache and regret. That’s why you sometimes want to step in and take over. I understand that. But that’s when it may be time to take to heart the words of Robert F. Kennedy, “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” It seems to be part of the process for us all, doesn’t it?

So, what can you do to create a peaceful transfer of power with your daughter?

• Be the safe place where she can land when she falls.

• Make sure not to shame her in her process of learning.

• Reflect back on your bumpy road to maturity.

• When you think you can’t be any more patient, dig even deeper.

• Pray for God to give you grace to stay calm while guiding her.

• Remove all harshness and anger from your communication style.

• Know that she won’t do things your way and that’s okay.

• Remember that she’ll be more open to your opinion if she asks for it.

• Listen twice as much as you talk.

• Daily communicate love for who she is regardless of what she does or doesn’t do.

• Remind her that her uniqueness will leave a mark on the world as she steps out and uses her gifts to impact others.

Dad, I know that your heart will ache as your daughter leaves the nest, but as you prepare her for the future, rest assured that the transfer of power from you to her will be stronger, healthier, and more peaceful if she has your support.

Let her know today that you are cheering her on as she steps forward into the next season of her life!

When Your Daughter Doesn't Get a Ring by Spring

I don't know if it's something in the air lately or if it's just the typical awakening that happens after a long winter, but suffice it to say that I’ve had more talks recently with women about their singleness than I’ve had in the entire past year combined!

Maybe it’s tied to the colorful spring blossoms magically popping up from the ground that are activating the not-far-from-the-surface desire in women to see love blossom for them in a similar way. All I know is that regardless of the impetus, there are a lot of women with aching hearts due to feeling alone now that spring has sprung.

If you could sit where I sit, you would see and hear passionate women with incredible gifts and amazing dreams who don’t feel fully alive or empowered to reach toward those dreams due to the fact that they are single. You heard me right; there are myriads of women who are blocked and stuck and stalled out in their life pursuits all because they don’t have guy pursuits in the works.

Just this past week an adorable 16-year old, with tears streaming down her cheeks, told me about her struggle with not having a boyfriend while most of her friends are coupled, leaving her to conclude that she’s not thin enough to attract a guy. In another conversation, a 33-year old successful career woman with current job promotion potential expressed her hypothesis that there must be some looming deficits that keeps men from pursuing her. She shared how hard it is when those first dates repeatedly fail to turn into second dates, leading her to believe she’s undesirable and not worth the effort.

You see, we as women most often conclude that there is something lacking in us when we’re not the one being chosen. Rarely do we think there’s something wrong with the guy.

I know too many women--from their teens on up--who are less than enthusiastic about the incredible opportunities directly in front of them and instead are fixated on the one thing they don't have: a boyfriend. And it really doesn’t help when the questions keep coming by well-meaning inquirers that focus primarily on our dating lives as opposed to other aspects of our existence.

Truth be told, it’s never easy to repeatedly report that there’s not much happening in the romance department.

To make matters worse (and I speak from years of experience on this one), although we love attending wedding showers for our girlfriends and are honored to stand next to them as a bridesmaid when they enter into holy matrimony, there’s a bittersweet reality that accompanies these shindigs.

As single women we always secretly wonder if our forever soul mate might be waiting for us at these events, especially at weddings. Maybe he’ll be standing on the groom’s side of the platform and we’ll unintentionally exchange glances, only then to have the matchup seem obvious as we exit, walking down the aisle, arm in arm (because the bride made sure that we were paired up). Or we dream about Mr. Right possibly being at the reception where we’ll inadvertently bump into each other on the dance floor and sparks will instantaneously fly. And on it goes.

We can’t help but wonder if our forever story is waiting to be written at these celebrations. Try as we might not to think ahead, the whole idea of longing for a guy to notice us and choose us so that our fairy tale can begin seems to be constantly present (even though we rarely admit it publicly). Dreaming and wishing and hoping is half the fun…until nothing happens…again.

Someone told me this week that she and her mom agree that I’m the most vibrant single woman they know. As nice as that was to hear, my immediate thought was: Why aren’t there more women who are thriving in their singleness?

Dads, I believe you are more of a solution to the problem than you may realize.

Way too many women are inadvertently believing the lie that they’re not a success unless they’re dating, engaged, or married. That message is being perpetuated…everywhere…and it needs to stop.

Your input into your daughter’s life has the power to carry a counter cultural message---which is that she has vibrancy and purpose beyond her marital status.

Here’s what your single daughter needs to hear from you…today:

1. She needs to learn what guys think--particularly when it comes to romance. You remember what it was like at the age where your daughter is right now. Tell her where your head was at, especially the part where you were distracted or lazy, selfish or unmotivated to pursue a girl because you knew the work it would take to commit and were focused on figuring out your own life. Let her know it's not something wrong with her that has guys doing what they do.

2. She needs you to tell her that she’s beautiful and competent, qualified, and “enough” just the way she is, right where she’s at, whether or not there’s a boyfriend in the picture. Your daughter needs more encouragement, more support, and more validation from you in extra measure if she’s single. And even if she’s dating someone or already married, she still will thrive when hearing that you believe in her, are proud of her, and that you love her fully and completely (as a work in progress, just like you).

3. She needs to hear that even if she never gets married, you are not disappointed in her and are fully proud of her. Focus on highlighting what she is doing, not what she isn’t. And I don’t know why it is, but a lot of women believe that their parents will be happier if we have a husband and give them grandchildren. So when we feel we’ve failed to make our parents happy or proud of us in those areas (even if it’s never been communicated directly), we feel like a failure. The reality is that it’s our “stuff.” But that’s why fathers are so important when it comes to communicating their affirmation of their daughters at every age regardless of marital status.

So what do you say, dads…will you join me in spreading this message to your girls?

Let's join together in emboldening single women to enthusiastically live their lives to the fullest while encouraging them to focus on using their unique gifts to make a difference in the world.

Let's stop asking mostly about their love lives and instead spend more time asking about the latest opportunities they’re embracing and inquire about the new things they’re learning.

Let's deepen our conversations to celebrate and highlight that which single women have to offer their communities rather than carelessly and needlessly directing the conversation to the one area where she may feel less confident or successful.

Let’s celebrate all women, not just those who are dating or married. All of us together have the power to change the way we interact and today is the day to broaden our focus so we’re talking about all things life-breathing, not just about boys and dating.

Dads, before I close, here’s one practical idea for investing in your single daughters in a creative, not-for-any-specific-occasion way:

What if you bought a quality ring for your daughter just to let her know she’s valuable…to you. Then every time she looks at it she will be reminded that you love her and that she’s a treasure.

Can you picture it? Single women across the nation showing off the rings they got this spring…from their dads!
 

P.S. Just in case your daughter might need a little spiritual encouragement, here is one of my favorite passages because it’s all about passionately embracing life as a single woman:

Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy…enlarge the place of your tent,
stretch your tent curtains wide, lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.
For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
…Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated…
For your Maker is your bridegroom---the Lord Almighty is his name!

Isaiah 54: 1-5

Beauty and the Beast: 10 Life Lessons about True Love Between a Dad and his Daughter

If you are a dad whose daughter who was born after 1991, there’s a good chance you know well the storyline of Beauty and the Beast.

And with the movie version just being released, I figured it was a good time to head to the theater to see what all the buzz is about, especially with Disney’s claim that it’s their next billion-dollar hit. Of course the real plot to the movie is about the way that love transforms a beast into a prince and a beauty into a princess, but I am drawn more to the subplot between a daughter and her dad.

But first. Just in case you haven’t seen the movie in awhile, here are the main themes (in the way men prefer information to be translated: bullet points!):

• An entitled, narcissistic prince is transformed into a beast as punishment for being selfish
• To break the spell, he must learn to love another and his love must be returned
• Belle is the daughter of widower, Maurice, an eccentric inventor and music box maker
• Belle is misunderstood by the townspeople for being “odd,” evidenced primarily by her love of reading books
• Maurice is captured by the Beast, but Belle ends up taking her father’s place as prisoner
• The Beast ends up giving Belle his library and over time, their friendship grows
• Meanwhile, another suitor, Gaston, is hell bent on marrying Belle despite her refusals
• Gaston (the truly narcissistic one in the story) tries to kill Maurice, convincing the townspeople that Maurice is a liar and mentally unstable
• The Beast finally frees Belle to go to her father in his time of need
• Gaston captures Maurice, and once he discovers the Belle loves the Beast, he locks them up both up, headed to an asylum
• Belle and her dad escape capture and Belle returns to the castle
• Gaston storms the castle, along with the townspeople, overpowering the Beast
• Gaston kills the Beast, then falls to his death
• Belle weeps over the death of her one true love, confessing her love for the Beast
• The Beast is awakened by her love and turned back into a prince
• They live happily ever after

Now that you’re updated on the plot, I want to highlight more than the obvious premise in this story about a love that transforms a beast into a prince and a beauty into a princess. I am drawn more to the incredible subplot about the relentless, sacrificial, generous love of a dad toward his daughter…and of a daughter for her father. And yes, I realize this is a fairy tale, but the life lessons here bear repeating.

Here are ten things this movie teaches about the power of real love between a father and a daughter that plays out in the way they relate to each other:

1. They respect each other’s differences
Dad is an inventor who tinkers away in his shop and finally creates a music box that he believes will usher in a new life for the two of them if he is able to sell it at a fair. Belle is wired differently than her dad and is inspired by books that allow her to travel the world in her mind. Two different areas of interest; yet both dad and daughter encourage each other to love what they individually love and enjoy what they each enjoy.

2. Dad lets his daughter close to him while he works
There are two times in the movie where Maurice is working on something and Belle hands him the tool he needs to fix the problem. She anticipates the need before he asks, thus revealing that he had previously allowed her up close and personal to him in his work. This dad was willing to accept help from his daughter, thus bonding the two of them and building her confidence.

3. She brings her self-image questions to her dad
The opening song in this musical is about Belle being peculiar and strange in the eyes of her community. She knows she doesn’t fit in with her peers while preferring to learn by reading books rather than pining away for a husband like the other girls. So she brings her questions about her identity to her dad, asking if he thinks she is odd. Dad immediately rejects that theory, and instead builds her up and affirms her.

4. She has freedom to ask dad for what she wants
As Dad leaves to sell his music box at the fair, he asks his daughter what she wants him to bring her upon his return. All she asks for is one thing: a rose. Dad initiated the conversation by asking her what she wanted and she unreservedly uses her voice in response.

5. As a single parent, dad does an awesome job of raising his daughter alone
This single-parent father deserves kudos for raising a daughter who isn’t narcissistic or entitled. When asked what she wanted from him, her simple request of one rose reveals her lack of need for extravagance, but shows that their bond that was deeper than possessions. This also reveals that dad didn’t use things as a substitute for real relating and time spent together in dad-daughter bonding.

6. She is willing to sacrifice out of love for her dad
Belle is a teenager and oftentimes this is a season where girls are self-focused, not other-focused. If this daughter is willing to be taken prisoner so that her dad can be free, it most likely means that dad had been modeling to her this depth of sacrificial love in the way he related to her. When a dad gives of himself in sacrificial love to his daughter, it will come back to him at some point (even if it seems a bit lost during adolescence).

7. She is fearless, confident, assertive, and stands up for herself
There are two places where we see Belle’s inner strength:
1. She declines Gaston’s request for marriage, unwilling to settle for a man who isn’t her type nor whom she wants to marry.
2. When she first meets the Beast, she boldly confronts him and later unabashedly refuses his demand that she dine with him due to his rude tone and behavior. She must have learned to assert herself in her home, giving her confidence to “hold her own” when confronted with a crisis situation that could have caused her to shrink back.

8. They stand up for each other, especially in the heat of battle
When Belle is released by the Beast to go to her father, it is because he is in crisis. Gaston has swayed the townspeople to believe her dad is crazy. So she literally goes the distance to defend her dad against false accusations, and then he does the same for her when everyone believes she has fabricated the story about the Beast. This dad and daughter came to each other’s rescue when the opposition sought to misrepresent the truth of who they individually were.

9. Dad heard his daughter’s heart
When Dad heard Belle speak of her fondness for the Beast, he honored her and encouraged her to follow her heart, all with his full backing. And yes, we all know that love can be blind and this is when a dad must find a way to speak into his daughter’s life when the guy she claims to love may be dangerous or destructive. But when a dad hears his daughter’s heart and confirms that she is loved well, his support and blessing releases her to pursue that love with assurance.

10. Dad protected his daughter against a bad suitor
Though a dad may be called upon to support his daughter’s choice in love, there are times that you as a dad must tell her what you see as red flags. I LOVE that Maurice repeatedly tells Gaston that he can never have his daughter’s hand in marriage. We don’t see that Belle ever told her dad that she didn’t want to marry Gaston, yet dad ran interference against the dud, which protected her heart in the process. Go Dad!

So there you have it: 10 Life Lessons from Beauty and the Beast as modeled by an amazing dad to his daughter. To me, the beautiful aspect to this story comes in seeing a confident, courageous, and empowered woman who didn’t change herself to fit in, fully supported by a dad who believed in her, loved her well, and taught her not to back down from a fight.

I love that subplot as much, if not more, than the love story that transformed a beast into a prince and a common girl into a princess.

Finally, I share two quotes that you as a dad can use to fan into flame the beauty inside your precious daughter:

“The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives and the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.”   -Audrey Hepburn

“What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition. Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in….[where you are] unanxious and unintimidated.” I Peter 3:4-6 MSG  

Dad, choose one of the ten things above to put into action with your daughter today. Let’s see the fairy tale come to life today as you, the real hero in the story, release your daughter to be the best version of herself---caring, confident, and courageous, and one who knows her dad is backing her all the way!

He Came, In Pieces: A Guest Blog by Taylor Smith

Taylor Smith is a dear friend, a true inspiration, and a gifted communicator. I invited her to write a guest blog today to shed light on what it’s like as a 27-year old to navigate life after the death of her father. She reminds us that the legacy we leave behind speaks powerfully even after we’re gone. 
-Michelle

I got a call from you today.

Well, sort of.

“Hi, Taylor. I came across a file of your dads. Looks like it contains some personal things. I thought you might like to have it.”

“What? I mean, yes. Yes. I would like to have it. I would love to have it, actually.”

“Great. I’m glad I was able to track you down, Taylor. I hope all is well.”

CLICK.

Dad, that is so your style,
unannounced,
coming in right outta the middle of nowhere,
all of your 78-inches somehow stuffed into this bulky, white envelope, which my fingers gripped so tight my knuckles turned white.

I wasn’t expecting you to arrive this way.

I mean, I think about you every day, but I didn’t think I’d be sitting on my living room floor, holding onto what I could only assume were
pieces of you,
in some forgotten file folder that was left in a sea of other forgotten file folders somewhere in a closet.

But here it was.
Here you were.
Uninvited and undeniably commanding the center of my attention in a matter of seconds
in a way that no one else could.

When I slid my finger under the envelope’s opening, I was holding my breath.
And I’m pretty sure I still wasn’t breathing when I tipped the envelope down and a red folder slid into my lap.

Open it, Taylor. Come on. Just do it.

But it’s not that easy, you see.
Because it wasn’t just a matter of opening a folder that contained some of my dad’s things –

Opening this folder also meant opening up part of my soul,
the deep, hidden part that craves just one more day,
one more hour
to create a last precious father-daughter memory.
And that’s a really raw place to tear open.
So it’s really not that easy.

But I did it.

The first piece of paper was a letter circa early 2000.
The letterhead stated Arkansas Swimming Hall of Fame.

It said,
“Dear Arthur, as you know, because of your outstanding contribution to the sport of swimming in the state of Arkansas, you have been inducted into the Arkansas Swimming Hall of Fame.”

Whoa. Hold up. Dad, this is a BIG DEAL. Why didn’t you tell me about this??

The letter went on to talk about my dad’s swimming career, most of which I already knew, but when it was there, printed on this formal letter, it made my eyes go wide, my heart swell with pride.

Dad, you were the dark horse, the unheard of swimmer who somehow conquered it all. You were nationally ranked, a five-time All American. You were a champion.

You were so much more than a swimmer, Dad, but I am so proud that you didn’t let your inexperience in the swimming world hold you back. You did it. You worked so hard and you made your mark.

So with this mysterious folder, business was off to a good start. But who knew what else was buried in the pile.

Mechanically, I reached for the next thing in the stack- a card “For a Son Who’s Loved So Much.”

It was a “just because” card from my dad’s mom, who I called my nana.

Nana and I weren’t super close. We never really had the opportunity to be, living more than a thousand miles apart. To tell you the truth, I always thought that I would never be able to relate to her – a sophisticated Southern woman and me, a prank-loving, spontaneous-dancing, free-spirit child.

But reading her words allowed me to learn more about my nana –and her relationship to her son, my dad- than I had ever known.

“Words cannot express my love for you – it grows every year, if that is even possible. How I cherish the loving memories of your childhood (rosy red cheeks that looked as good as apples)… You are my Guardian Angel.”

Wow, Dad. You and nana must have been really close. I know I didn’t know her very well, but she really loved you. I’m so glad that you were so loved by your mom – that she thought the world of you. Because you so deserved that, Dad. You really did.

The next few things were business documents that didn’t mean much to me,
but behind those pages were what I had been hoping for, yet not hoping for,
the really personal stuff.

The stack of cards that I was holding in my hands wasn’t just my dad,
it was my mom, too – letters she had written him from their nearly 15 years of marriage.

I tell you, this folder was the most beautiful gift.

I learned a lot about my dad,
about some things that he was too humble to share,
about him as a son and as a husband,
a man who was deeply loved, deeply passionate, and all together, deeply deep.
Yup. That was my dad. One deep dude.

I finished reading the cards and closed the folder, only wishing that there had been just a few more cards, a few more keepsakes or napkin-scribbled notes that could bring more of him back to me.

When you lose someone you love, there are
days when your heart is heavy,
days when you just need a good cry, or scream,
days when you are angry at their not being there,
days when your memories of them bring you this amazing warmth,
days when you shout thanksgiving praise that you even got to know them at all.

Then there are days like this one,
when you receive the blessing of a mysterious file folder, filled with things you never would have asked for -had a genie granted you five wishes- and you find yourself rolling on the floor, laughing, thinking that

I have the best dad ever. Thank you, God. Thank you for this moment, too. I will always remember it. I will always remember you, Dad.

Love, Taylor