Be the First

So here we are at the beginning of a new year, that time when we all turn the page and look forward to a fresh start. Some of us might even dare to believe that anything is possible as the script for 2018 is yet to be written.

When I think about the concept of firsts, especially when it comes to fathers understanding their daughters with more precision, I want to highlight what a big deal “firsts” are for us as girls.

To prove my point, you could ask any adult woman when she had her first crush.  She’ll immediately tell you because that memory is frozen in time and available for a fast recall whenever prompted.

Ask her about her first kiss, her first dance, first prom, or first breakup.  They’re all filed away.

Now let’s change it up a bit and address more than just romance or heartbreak.

You could ask her about her first job, her first paycheck, first car or first bad grade.  Yup… all stored in the vault.

Here’s how I see it. If your daughter is wired to remember firsts, then why not capitalize on that reality by being the first to do it right and get it right…all en route to her heart.

Dad, what if you made it your goal in this new year to create memories for your daughter by deciding to “be the first.”

• Be the first to tell her you lover her every single day so she never has to wonder if you do.
• Be the first to choose kindness because it’s a virtue you want her to exemplify.
• Be the first to set the bar high in modeling what a good man looks like, so all other men will be compared to you.
• Be the first to tell her you’re sorry.
• Be the first to show her that strong men can cry.
• Be the first to model what humility looks like.
• Be the first to write her a note telling her what you find special about her.
• Be the first to take her on an adventure.
• Be the first to buy her a “just-because” treat.
• Be the first to take her out for an extravagant meal.
• Be the first to wipe her tears and hold her in your arms when her life goes sideways.
• Be the first to listen rather than lecture.
• Be the first to “hold her anger” without reacting harshly in return.
• Be the first to initiate deep conversations about spirituality, God, Faith, politics, goals, and even your life growing up.
• Be the first to model a healthy spiritual life so she can follow your example.
• Be the first to give of your time and energy to serve her.
• Be the first to invest in launching her dreams by funding a project she is passionate about.
• Be the first to applaud her successes from the front row.

Why be the first?

It’s the best way to show her what love looks like when backed by action. Better yet, she’ll relate to all other men based on what she experiences with you.

Dad…you’ve got the whole year ahead to lead the way in loving your daughter first. Decide now to make this a year of firsts, beginning by choosing one thing in the list here to do today!

Put It In Writitng (A last minute Christmas gift that's guaranteed to be your daughter's favorite!)

Dad, if you plan on being in line with the millions of other men across the country who will have waited until the last minute to get their Christmas gifts, then you’re going to want to keep reading.

Why? Because I have a Christmas gift idea for you that your daughter will love!

Better yet,

• It won’t cost any money
• It won’t require driving to the mall  (“you’re welcome!”)
• It will only take about an hour of your time
• It’s guaranteed to be one of her all-time favorite gifts

Do you want to know what it is?  WRITING A LETTER.

One of the greatest presents you can give your daughter is to affirm her through writing. In a world where written communication is increasingly digital (texts, emails, tweets), a letter scripted in your own handwriting is sure to stand out as unique.

Let me share a story with you that highlights my suggestion.  

In the summer of 2016 I had the privilege of attending FishFest in Salem, Oregon. What made it extra special was that it was my first public appearance with KPDQ, the station that hosts my radio program, The Dad Whisperer.

It was a day I’ll never forget, due in part to the 104 degree weather, but also because it was meaningful to be a part of connecting with people while being entrusted with their stories. I also gave away copies of my book, which was a fun way to share them as a resource with our listeners.

Early in the day I talked with a dad who told me that his 17-year old daughter was living with her mom in the Midwest. He said that he made it a point to text her a few times a week because it was how they stayed connected. I affirmed him for consistently investing his daughter and then decided to say a bit more (I know…BIG SURPRISE!)

I encouraged him to write letters to his daughter periodically, adding that when a dad writes something in his own handwriting, it stands out from technology. I acknowledge that I may have misread his body language, but I got the sense that I’d said enough. So we smiled and said goodbye.

An hour or so later, a beautiful woman in her late 50’s came to pick up her copy of my book since she was another winner. She told me that she even though she had two sons she was looking forward to reading it, promising to give it away, when finished, to a dad of a daughter who could use it.

It was then that I took a risk by asking a question in the hope of opening up a “deeper conversation.” I decided to inquire about her relationship with her dad.

 She readily shared that her father was a quiet man, clarifying that they didn’t have much of a relationship because he worked a lot. Then her tone changed and she broke into a beaming smile while telling me one specific memory.

“When I was in eighth grade, my dad went out of town for business. It was during that one particular trip that he wrote me two letters. I don’t quite know why he did it, but I’m glad he did.”

 I had a sense that I already knew the answer to my next question but asked it anyway, “Did you save the letters?”   

 Without hesitation she confessed, “Yes, I sure did….and I still have them.”

 I immediately told her that I knew just the man who needed to hear her story. She graciously gave me permission to share about her treasured letters with this other father who I believed would benefit from hearing a personal story about the importance of a dad’s written words to his daughter. I later found him and we talked a bit more.

Suffice it to say, this woman’s story bears repeating in that it serves as a powerful lesson to fathers of daughters.

Dad, put your words of affirmation, acceptance, kindness, belief, encouragement, promise, and praise into writing because your daughter will treasure what you say to her for a lifetime.

Now let me reveal one more reason why a letter from you will have significant impact. It’s due to the fact that I have saved every single card my dad has ever made me…and I have a lot of them! I count them among my most valued possessions.

The time you spend now putting your thoughts, feelings, wishes, hopes, and dreams into written form will pay dividends long after you’re gone as she reads and rereads your words.

Whether you’re a dad who has already begun this practice or you are a tentative newbie, I want to share a few ideas to support your pen-to-paper challenge.

Here are a few dad-to-daughter letter-writing ideas to add to your repertoire:

• What is one of the first things you remember about her from when she was born and you looked at her for the first time?

• What beauty did you see in her then and what beautiful features do you see in her now?  (Girls love hearing about their eyes, smile, and the unique features that you see as beautiful)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her.

• What strengths do you believe she has, both in terms of skill and in her person (her character, personality)?

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her.

• Tell her specific reasons you’re proud of her.

• Write about what obstacles you have seen her overcome—emphasize such qualities as courage, resilience, strength, commitment, endurance, and power.

• Write about dreams you have for her future, whether in the form of your wishes for her or things you pray about for her—do this without preaching or lecturing, only encourage.

• Tell her what it means to you to spend time with her.

• Communicate why you love being her dad in this season of her life (add current things about her age right now that you’re aware of and highlight them as positive).

• Let her know that you will always be there for her, telling her what it means to you to be her dad.

Dad, why not take the time right now to put your love for your daughter in writing.

And as you give her the gift of a letter from you this Christmas, I guarantee that it will be one of her favorite gifts…EVER!

P.D.C. (Public Display of Connection)

A couple of weeks ago I was talking with a group of dads when the conversation turned to their daughter’s mood swings and their common experiences in not knowing what to do much of the time. Understandably, this Venusian dynamic creates a challenge for most every dad when it comes to figuring out how to navigate the “changing weather patterns” with no “meteorological training,” if you know what I mean!

Every dad admitted to often feeling lost without a road map when it comes to pacing with the twists and turns of teenage and young adult female development.

As I sat there listening to the added pressure these dads feel when struggling to decode the verbal and non-verbal cues of their daughters, it was clear that they all wanted to engage and pursue their daughter’s hearts despite the challenges. Their camaraderie led the way for openness around admitting their confusion over sometimes being invited closer while at other times being pushed away.

Over the last eight years of interacting with dads of daughters, I have discovered that men thrive when they talk with other dads who struggle with their girls in similar ways. Through the process of discussing honestly what’s really happening at home, I’ve noticed that some of the false guilt that seems to unconsciously build up begins to diminish. Even more, men simultaneously feel less alone while many of these interpersonal realities are normalized.

As we talked about ways to connect even when it’s hard, I shared that adolescent girls, in particular, may not always like physical touch from their dads because they may be embarrassed if their friends are watching or might think they’re too old for cuddling, hugging, or hand-holding.

But I suggested that especially during stressful times what their daughters really might need is a hug so that she feels wrapped in safe arms that are holding her when she’s overwhelmed with life. And this isn’t just my opinion; it’s actually backed up by research, which states that when we give or receive a hug it releases oxytocin in our brains, an antidote to the effect of cortisol, the stress hormone.

Hugs release oxytocin in our brains and relieve stress.

Since they were still tracking with me, I continued.

“Dads, it’s vital for you to consistently find ways to connect with your daughters, both inside and outside your homes, because daughters need their dads to teach them what safe touch feels like (in ways that honor her individual wiring—with some wanting less physical touch and others preferring more). Make sure to never pull away and detach during those harder years or your daughter will be left to wonder why she’s not worth your time and energy.”

It was then that I described the importance of appropriate physical touch and I actually meant to say the words, “public display of affection” (P.D.A.). But it was one of those times where my words got mixed up, and instead what came out of my mouth was, “public display of connection!” (which I’m now referring to as “P.D.C.”).

 I love when “happy mistakes” like that happen because those words have stayed with me ever since. This has led me now to ponder the question: What would it look like if every dad consistently initiated points of healthy physical connection with his daughter in public places where life is on display?

For me, one of the best ways my dad and I share “P.D.C.” is during our annual Perfume Day event every December (which you well know by now if you’ve been reading my blogs for any length of time). It’s one of the highlights of my year where we get dressed up, go out to lunch, and my dad treats me to perfume at Nordstrom. More importantly, it’s special that my dad enters into the whole experience with absolute JOY! And it never gets old to have multiple female sales clerks say that they wish their dad would do something similar with them.

 And yes, my dad and I walk hand in hand (or arm in arm) around the store. I feel comfortable with this kind of public display of connection because it says that my dad loves me and values me…and vice versa!

It seems to me that if every dad figured out a way to publicly demonstrate relational connection to his daughter, she would feel his love in a way that would go straight to her heart. And she would know that her dad wants the world to know that he’s proud and grateful to be her father. (Additional benefit: it gives a message to boys that this girl has a dialed-in dad!).

 We as girls thrive when we feel connected to the people we love. And we wither when there’s disconnect. Just notice the amount of time your daughter spends in the center of relational crises and it will prove my point. It’s either her drama or the drama of her friends that takes her away from staying balanced.

Daughters sometimes push their dads away while secretly wishing he'd connect with her.

I truly believe that every daughter needs her dad even when she doesn’t always know that he’s what she needs. In fact, daughters sometimes push their dads away while secretly wishing that he’d not give up even when she makes him work to connect with her emotionally and relationally.

Dad…it’s up to you to take the initiative to connect with your daughter’s heart. You have the responsibility as her father to find a way to reach her. I know it’s not always easy, especially when you feel disrespected or ignored, yet that doesn’t excuse you from still needing to move towards her.

As we head into this busy month of December, be the dad who finds a way to publicly put your love for your daughter on display in ways that let her know she’s one of your greatest loves!

 P.S.  If you’re not sure where to start, feel free to follow my dad’s lead and initiate Perfume Day with your daughter. Here’s the link to my blog where I’ve shared the story…   https://goo.gl/svwWKC

Or you can listen to my dad and I talking about our favorite annual event on my radio program, The Dad Whisperer…    https://goo.gl/9fTrzZ

Enjoy!

Dads: Six Essential Love Do's and Don'ts for Your Daughter

By Guest Blogger, Dr. Meg Meeker

Dr. Meg Meeker and I have become friends over the past couple of years as we share a similar passion for equipping fathers of daughters to dial into their heart space. I believe her words will inspire you to be better dads by hearing her insights into your daughter’s unique needs. —Michelle

Men love differently than women. That’s why you scratch your head in confusion when your daughter or wife cries and insists that you don’t understand. They want you to know what they want, like, and need, without ever telling you. You, on the other hand, love deeply but differently.

As you work on your relationship with your daughter, you must remember that different things will make her feel loved than what make you feel loved.

First, she feels loved when you pay attention to her. When she comes home from a soccer game and you ask if she wants to go have ice cream because you want to hear all about the game, she feels loved. When she goes on a date and comes home at midnight, she feels loved if you are waiting up for her. Sure, you can ask her how her time was, but the mere fact that you cared enough to make sure she got home safely makes her feel deeply loved.

Women, like men, want to feel that someone in their lives adores them. Adoration is the sense that you can do no wrong. Why should you communicate this to your daughter when she, of course, makes mistakes? Because she needs it from you. Because she needs it from you, your daughter has a space in her heart that is designed for you alone. No one else can occupy that spot.

When you express your adoration to her, she realizes that you have a spot in your heart just for her. A father who adores his daughter holds her in high esteem, wants only the best for her, and feels that no one in the world compares with her. She is more beautiful, kinder, and stronger than all women (or girls) her age. Every daughter wants her father to feel this way about her. And she wants her father to express this to her.

Our culture ties girls in knots, and your daughter is no exception. Not matter how hard you try to isolate her from the ugly influences of a world that sexualizes and degrades women, you can’t. And since you are the primary means by which she develops a healthy sense of beauty and sexuality, when it comes to shaping these in her, it’s on your shoulders. When it comes to loving your daughter, remember these important ideas:

1. Do tell her that you love her. Tell her as frequently as feels natural to you. Sometimes you may feel timid, but press through the discomfort. Every daughter need to hear I love you, from her dad.

2. Do express adoration. Let her know that she is the apple of your eye. If you have multiple daughters, tell each one of them at different times.

3. Do believe in her. If the two of you don’t get along well and fight constantly, you can still show her than you believe in her. Examine her character and find what is good in her. Look deeply into her life and find her natural gifts. Then, communicate to her that you are her “number one fan.” Tell her that you know she can succeed. You know that she is smarter than she thinks, wiser than she believes, and far more capable than she realizes. Communicating this is extremely important because most girls, particularly during the teen years, feel terribly inadequate, dumb, and unattractive. You need to really amp up your positive comments during the tough times and help her combat these feelings.

4. Don’t remark on her weight – EVER. No pet names for parts of her body, no calling her “sexy”, and no telling her that she is chubby or that she could stand to lose a few pounds. No matter what you say about her weight, she will her in her mind say, My dad thinks I’m fat; therefore I am ugly. Since you can’t win, avoid this. I can’t tell you the number of messes that I’ve been involved in undoing with daughters whose fathers have innocently commented about their weight as they grow up.

5. Don’t remark on her looks very often. I know that this feels counterintuitive. Shouldn’t every girl know that her dad thinks she is beautiful? Of course; but don’t overdo it. You don’t want her to feel like appearance is a priority to you. Remember, when you comment on something, it lets the hearer know that the topic is significant to you (otherwise why would you comment on it?). You want to be sure that your daughter knows that what you really cherish about her is her inner beauty. So talk about that.

6. Don’t spare words of encouragement or affection. Girls use more works, and they bond through words. Girls feel that words connect them with others. So tell your daughter what you admire about her and tell her why. I promise that if you are sincere, your words will change the woman that she becomes.

Dad, I know this is a lot of information to take in, so how about taking one item from this list and then commit to putting it into action this week now that you know what to do to put your love for your daughter into action!

Pediatrician, mother and best-selling author of six books, Dr. Meg Meeker is one of the country’s leading authority on parenting, teens and children’s health. Her most recent book, Hero is a powerful affirmation of fatherhood that shows men how being a strong, active father can be their greatest triumph. Copyright ©Dr. Meg Meeker. Used with permission.

To Boo or Not to Boo...That is the Question

Since this is Halloween Week, it seems only fitting to share something that might be considered a treat (if this indeed is helpful, that is!)…or maybe it’s a trick. I’ll let you decide.

First, a question: When you hear the word “boo!” what comes to mind?

I’m guessing that you’re picturing someone shouting that word while jumping out from a hiding place towards you. And if the attempt is successful, you probably had the bageebers scared out of you when they did!

But instead of that specific reference point, I’m switching things up today (hence, the trick!).

When I hear the word “boo,” I immediately think of an audience in a sports arena loudly shouting that word to a referee when they disagree with a call. Can you envision that roaring sound as an entire crowd of strangers bonds over their shared opinion in response to a team they love?

In that context, the word “boo” expresses disagreement and intense displeasure, which basically lines up with Webster’s definition of it being a response marked by someone “showing disapproval or contempt.” This led me to look up the word contempt, which is described as “the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.”

 That said, I’m wondering if you as a dad are more readily inclined to shout a “boo” or a cheer.

If we’re being honest, we can all admit to having “boo-ed” someone before. In those times we can easily move into a “one up” position that not only communicates disapproval, but might come across as mockery of the other person’s decision or position. Of course that isn’t typically our intention, but that’s how the other person could perceive it, especially daughters from their dads.

We as women are easily devastated with that kind of negative interaction, even if sometimes we’re the one who started it. That’s where you as a dad have to be the bigger person. I’m not sure why it is, but there’s something that becomes magnified inside us as girls when there’s a disapproving look from you even if words aren’t spoken. We have feelers on top of feelers and then we internalize your disapproval. Honestly, there’s nothing worse than knowing we’ve disappointed you. It’s not the same as if some stupid kid at school says it.

It’s like we lose our footing if that viewpoint comes from someone we admire or elevate, especially you.

When it comes to our dads, it’s a devastating blow when you “boo” us. That’s when we start believing that we’re “less than” or worthless or deserving of your scorn because that’s what we hear you saying about us (even if you’re unaware that this is what’s being communicated). It’s then that we often stop trying because we think that we can’t please you anyway. Or we get hurt when you haven’t noticed how hard we’re trying because you only notice the things we aren’t doing (hence, the “boo”).

 The weight of the relationship has everything to do with the impact of the opinion.

 So if you’re a dad who wants to ensure that you’re not “boo-ing” your daughter, use these questions to reflect on how you interact with her:

• Does your daughter hear your comments about her clothing only when you disapprove of the choices she’s made?

• Does she know when you do approve of how she’s dressed because she hears you telling her that she’s beautiful in your eyes?

• Do you readily make your opinion known when you don’t like the guy she’s interested in or do you make sure she knows how proud you are of her when she chooses well, especially when it comes to guys? (you might have to dig deep on this one to find something worthy of your commendation)

• Do you let her know your disapproval when she doesn’t do her chores or follow the rules, but fail to celebrate when she does respond positively and do things right?

• Do you come down hard on her when her grades start to slip, but forget to applaud her when she hits it out of the ballpark on tests or gets her homework done?

• Does your daughter get an earful when you disapprove of the way she interacts with her siblings, but rarely hears you notice all the times she works hard to get along with them?

Remember that negativity breeds negativity so if you want your daughter to grow and thrive, she needs to hear you cheering her on from the stands more than using that three letter word.

So Dad, ask yourself if you’ve shouted more “boo’s” than cheers this week. Then give your daughter a Halloween treat by letting her know that you’re celebrating her with affirmation and encouragement…just because you love her.

A Daughter Needs Her Dad to Help Her Build a Lemonade Stand

The adage is true—life gives out lemons. To you, and to everyone else, including your daughter.

Without asking, I know what you want for her. Out loud you might say, “I pray for my daughter to be happy and fulfill God’s plan for her life.” That’s nice and honorable. But your unspoken thoughts want something closer to perfection.

You imagine your little girl will be a well-recognized scholar/athlete/leader through high school, graduate college in four years with an impressive degree, get married to someone just like you in her twenties, give you three perfect grandchildren in her thirties, build a dream house just a few miles away from yours, and stay happily married for the rest of her life.

I have no statistics to back this up, but that “perfect” scenario probably happens to less than one-tenth of one percent of all girls.

Taking it one step further. Dad, if you start expressing those thoughts to your daughter, you might be saddling her with a list of impossible standards and expectations that drives her away and leaves her feeling like a permanent failure. She values your approval. It’s quite possible that she wants to meet a man like you and build a family like the one in which she grew up. But that has to come out of her gifts, goals, and dreams. Not yours.

When a dad puts his daughter on a track of specific expectations, there’s a high likelihood that an unexpected jolt of reality will take her off that track. We live in a fallen world in which sin, disease, abuse, accidents, discrimination, mental illness, materialism, deceit, and a long list of other nasty things lurk just around the next corner. We don’t need to look for explanations or excuses. Sometimes suffering happens as a direct result of our bad choices. Sometimes bad things just happen.

If you’ve already painted the impossible perfect scenario for how your daughter’s life will look, that canvas should be taken down off the wall before anyone sees it. Especially her.

What happens when she gets cut from a team or doesn’t get into the college of her choice?

What happens when one bad choice leaves her unmarried and pregnant?

What happens when she and her husband can’t get pregnant?

Or a child has Down Syndrome?

Or her husband turns abusive? 

When illness, accident, or some seemingly random series of events leaves a gaping wound in her heart, mind, or soul, will you still be her champion? 

When life gives her lemons, your daughter needs her dad to help build a lemonade stand.

There may be other people in her life that love her almost as much as you. But you’re the one who has dreamed about her future since before she was even born. You see how the pieces fit.

You know how to take the bad stuff and help turn it somehow into good stuff.

When the issues require human hands to be involved, raise yours. Be the hero with the hammer to build that lemonade stand.

Teach your daughter to squeeze every drop out of every lemon and add just the right amount of sugar, and stand beside her as she enjoys some ice-cold refreshment. Don’t forget to say thanks when she shares a glass with you. Don’t be surprised when she also offers a glass to others she meets on the road of life. 

Takeaway

It’s quite a balancing act. Pushing our kids to reach for the stars. And being there to catch them when they fall. One more reason God made dads with strong arms and strong hearts. 

“This is the very perfection of a man, to find out his own imperfections.” 

—Augustine 

Excerpt from 52 Things Daughter Need from Their Dads: What Fathers can Do to Build a Lasting Relationship by Jay Payleitner, 2013. Used by permission.

Helping Your Daughter Live With An Open Heart

 (Hey everyone…I know this is heavier-weighted content, but hang in there…I promise it will be worth it!)

Every once in awhile a speaker will communicate truth in such a way that it literally touches a core place inside the listener. Dr. Larry Crabb has been one of those truth-speakers into my life. I’ll never forget hearing him speak a few years ago where his insights were so impactful that I chewed on what he said for days, culminating in my telling him through tears the impact of his words on my soul and spirit.

The reason I’m sharing this with you today as a dad of a daughter is to empower you to guard and protect, lead, and champion your daughter’s heart with increasing precision because her open heart is her lifeline to health, vitality, purpose, and vision. I believe this will give you insight into why it’s vital that your daughter’s heart stay open in order to be the woman God created her to be.

Here is the essence of Dr. Larry’s seminar on gender:

In Genesis 2 when Adam first saw Eve, he called her “iyshah,” a female form of the word for man, “iysh.”  However, in Genesis 1:26 and 27 when God says, “Let us make mankind in our own image…male and female He created them,” these are two different Hebrew words to denote gender. “Zakar” is used for male and “nequebah” for female. 

During his talk Dr. Larry said, “I don’t think you women are necessarily going to like the meaning of the word for female, but here it is: Nequebah literally means punctured, bored through.”  Hmmm…that was indeed a very unexpected, odd definition of the word in my opinion. Our collective responses in the room led most of us to turn toward each other with puzzled looks on our faces.

He then took us to 2 Kings 12:9 where we read that King Joash commissioned Jehoiada, the high priest, to “nequebah” the lid of a box for use as a container of money for repairing the temple. The box was opened as a vessel that was used for God’s purposes.

Dr. Larry further explained that “nequebah” means “to be opened while arranging yourself consistently for a larger purpose than you.” I LOVED hearing that!  My spirit began to awaken with curiosity as I was now intrigued and wanted to hear more.

Bridging this concept then to Jesus on the cross, he noted that it was literally this act of being punctured and bored through that demonstrated Jesus’ openness to God’s larger purpose both in Him and through Him. Clearly Jesus understood and lived out the meaning of surrendered openness as a reflection of the depth of relationship He had with His Father. He modeled the beauty of submission, surrender, obedience and openness.  

Even today I continue to ponder this truth that Jesus made the choice to suffer and die by allowing Himself to be punctured and bored through. And I still am overcome with emotion as I celebrate the reality of Christ’s selfless love, a love that has truly aligned itself with the core of who I am as a woman. I had never thought of Jesus’ death on the cross in this way before.

I see now---according to this definition---that Jesus has fully identified with me as a woman (since God, the Three-in-one, isn’t gender specific) and I revel in knowing that He still connects with me as a female in this way.

The reality for me, a woman with an abuse history---where I have been taken advantage of, violated, and overpowered by more than one man---has been to activate instinctual self-protection whenever I don’t feel safe. In fact, throughout a bulk of the first four decades of my life I would often put up an invisible internal wall out of fear that I would be “punctured” again. Sometimes those walls have been literal (where I’d create physical distance) whereas at other times it was an unspoken barrier that people would feel around me that gave them the message that I wasn’t available or open to relating.

The truth is that I used to feel threatened as a result of someone activating or bumping up against my deep-seeded fears. It used to tap into my core terror of being crushed or bored through or stolen from. I can tell you honestly that in those instances I never intended to be brash or harsh. But when I was triggered, my openness would close off and I would go into fight-or-flight mode.

I know that God longs for me to reconnect with His original design for me as a woman, one who is open and vulnerable, willing to be used by Him to impact others by inviting them also to respond with openness.

I have found that by welcoming people into my heart, my life, and my home, I experience the redemption of God’s original purpose for me as a woman: one who lives vulnerably without fear, all the while being open and released to give and receive only what is for God’s purposes. 

And from this incredible place of healing and freedom, the walls of self-protection are no longer needed when I focus on Him as my Protector.

Dr. Larry closed by giving us one of the most incredible definitions of being a woman that I have ever heard:

“A beautiful woman is so at rest in God’s delight in her that she enjoys her undamageable beauty such that she invites others to connect and relate openly not guardedly, invitingly not controllingly, courageously not defensively---to encourage another to be consumed by God’s beauty at any cost to herself so that she can reveal God to His community.”

As a father, why not use these words to guide your prayers for your daughter so she can connect to her beautiful female essence while reflecting the God who made her in His image!

Approachable Parenting by guest author Andrea Lucado

Some people might assume that my family is "extra holy" because my dad is Max Lucado, pastor and author of books such as He Chose the Nails, He Still Moves Stones and Six Hours One Friday.  People might even think that my family sat around at night and listened to Dad practice his sermons and then rose early every morning to read our Bibles before school.

While there was certainly Bible reading and sermon writing in the Lucado household, my experience growing up probably looked similar to that of many other kids who grew up in a Christian home. There were days of laughter and love — and days of fighting, drama and rebellion. Being Lucados did not make us immune to these things.

My two sisters and I provided the typical array of parenting issues for my mom and dad: attitude problems, arguing, back talk, and eventually, drinking, boys and sneaking out. But these were not parent fails; these were human fails. Because I am a sinner, raised by sinners, I was going to sin and do dumb things — especially during adolescence.

Some adolescent behaviors are inevitable, and I don't believe parents have much control over them. What they do have control over is their response. My parents were careful with how they chose their responses. My sisters and I subconsciously understood this: Our parents are approachable. They love us and will forgive us, but we will have to learn from our mistakes.

This parenting approach was illustrated beautifully for me when I was 16 years old. During a time in my life when I had doubts about my faith and a strong desire to be popular, I was spending the night at a friend's house and we decided it would be a great idea to sneak out without her parents' knowledge. We wanted to meet up with boys . . . who were smoking marijuana.

Although we didn't get caught, the next day my friend — in a bout of desperation or guilt — admitted to her mom what we had done. Her mom then called me and said she would have to tell my parents if I didn't confess to them first.

Most teens might squirm, bargain, deny or do whatever they could to avoid an open confession to their parents. I considered those options and then determined that confession was my best option. I'm certain I was able to do this because of the environment in which my parents had raised me.

Approachability

At first I was afraid to confess my rebellion to my parents, but 16 years of experience had taught me that they were approachable. Whenever I walked into my dad's office, he would look away from what he was doing and give me his full attention. Whenever my mom was cooking dinner, I would sit at the kitchen island and vent about what happened at school that day, and she would listen. When I needed my parents to listen, they were always available.

With this confidence, I walked into my parents' room, preparing myself for honesty and bracing myself for consequences.

Grace

I talked to my mom first. She was sitting in her prayer chair, where I could always find her in the mornings and at various times throughout the day. I sat in the chair opposite her (my dad's prayer chair) and before I could say a word, I began to cry — somewhat hysterically. I was ashamed and afraid of disappointing her. Eventually, through broken speech, I told my mom the full story. And then I kept going. I told her about the other times I had sneaked out of the house. I told her about the parties I had been going to and lying about. I told her that I drank sometimes and that I knew I was rebelling, but God felt so distant that I didn't know what else to do. 

As I confessed, my mom began to cry with me. Her eyes were kind, and even though I could see she was hurting, she listened for as long as I needed to talk.

In my mom's gentle reaction to my confessions, I knew she understood. What I feared would horrify or devastate her did not. She, too, had been a teenager faced with temptations, and she did not think I was doomed. Her tears were grace to me.

Discipline

Of course, the conversation with my mom was not the end of things. I knew there would be consequences because my parents had always disciplined my sisters and me. Rules were rules in our house.

After my dad came home from work that night and heard the full story, he sat me down and asked a few questions: Why did you do it? What were you hoping would happen? How well did you know these guys? 

He listened to my pitiful responses and then explained how my behavior had not only broken the rules, but had also endangered me. He told me that I, as a 16-year-old, had not considered the risks of spending time with people I hardly knew and who smoked pot. My dad always wanted his daughters to understand the reasons behind the boundaries he and Mom had set.

With a calm yet stern voice, he detailed my punishment. I was grounded for three weeks, and I was to stay away from certain influential friends for a yet-to-be-determined amount of time. He assured me that he loved me, but I had broken his and Mom's trust, and when that happens, restoration is in order.

Restoration

Because my parents had established a home of grace where they listened and were slow to react (James 1:19), my heart was transformed. Rather than growing distant or angry with my parents, I actually did what so many parents demand: I thought about what I had done.

That's when I realized that I didn't like the "bad-girl" gig. I wasn't any good at it, and I wanted the real me back. I wanted Jesus back, too. I wanted my faith to be as strong as it had been before. It took some time, but I was on the path toward the restoration of my parents' trust and restoration in my relationship with Christ.

The journey, though not perfect, was made possible by parents who were approachable, extended grace in abundance and disciplined in love.

Andrea Lucado is a freelance writer based in Austin, Texas. This article first appeared in the October/November 2015 issue of Thriving Family magazine. She has recently released her first book, English Lesson: The Crooked Path of Growing Toward Faith.

Copyright © 2015 by Andrea Lucado. Used by permission.

What Your Daughter Really Longs For

I wish you could sit in my counseling office, even for part of a day, because you’d hear what I consistently hear from teenage girls and 20-something women.

You’d hear how often they doubt themselves, how often they fear a future without a boyfriend to love them back, how often they don’t know how to express what’s really going on inside so tears flow freely without words. You’d hear how often they can’t get their feet on the ground when their primary relationships are in turmoil, how often they feel they don’t matter because they haven’t yet figured out their purpose, and how often they wonder where God is at in the mix of the confusion and conflict, disappointments and delays, heartbreak and hopelessness.

And if you were there with me, the two of us would actually realize that we were standing on sacred ground. For whenever someone invites us into their deepest, most vulnerable place--that place that is raw and real, where it’s messy and complicated--we actually receive a gift. To be trusted at that level is an honor of unparalleled proportion.

Dad, do you know how privileged you are when your daughter lets you know her at that depth? I guarantee that she wants to be known by you and it’s up to you to create an atmosphere of acceptance where she feels safe enough to reveal her heart to you.

It’s in the context of that personal relationship that you will pour into your daughter’s heart from the overflow in yours. And just in case she doesn’t quite have the words to tell you what she needs, I’ll do my best to say it for her.

She longs for you to notice her.
She longs for you to listen to her.
She longs for you to affirm her.
She longs to know that you believe she is worthy.
She longs for you to never give up on her.
She longs for you to be patient with her. (especially when you’re struggling the most to do so)
She longs for you to keep your promises.
She longs for you to comfort her with your steady, solid, strong, masculine presence.
She longs for you to validate her. (even when she doesn’t make sense to you)
She longs for you to love her where she’s at, flaws and all.
She longs for you to tell her what you see when you look at her.
She longs for you to express why you love her.
She longs to hear that she’s beautiful in your eyes.
She longs for you to choose her even when everything else calls for your attention.
She longs for you to pursue her even when she pushes you away for a season.
She longs for you to give of yourself and your resources. (which tangibly tells her she’s valuable)
She longs for you to humbly admit when you’ve blown it and ask for forgiveness.
She longs for you to be present and involved because it says that her life matters to you.

The more you care about her longings, the more she will connect with them herself.

And the more she connects with her longings, the more she will thrive while saying, “all my longings lie open before you, O Lord.” (Psalm 18:24).

To Fight or Not to Fight, That is the Question: Navigating Dad-Daughter Disagreements

One of my favorite things is receiving emails from dads and daughters who ask questions about how to better their relationship. Not that I always have the perfect answer, but there’s something refreshing about an authentic, heart-felt inquiry that opens up an honest interaction. I respect the courage it takes to ask vulnerable questions that have the potential to start movement towards proactive change.

Here’s a question I received recently from a 20-year-old young woman:

Hi Michelle,
I think it would be helpful if you talked to dads about how to handle disagreements. My step-dad and I had a big fight over the weekend and it left me feeling like although we have improved our daily relationship, nothing has changed when it comes to the big stuff. I think it would help the fathers that you work with to learn conflict resolution skills.

Let me ask you a couple of questions as you ponder her words:

1. Does this sound like a woman who wants a better relationship with her step-dad, or one who doesn’t care about how they relate?
2. Do you think her underlying belief may be that her step-dad is to blame while she carries little to no responsibility in how things went down?

I tend towards believing that she must care about their relationship or she wouldn’t have written me. I also hear her implying that her step-dad bears the primary weight of responsibility in moving their relationship in a better direction, which happens to be something I agree with.

Here’s why:

• You, dad, have to lead by example.
• Change has to begin with you.
• You must set the tone for how you want your daughter to respond to you and to others by modeling healthy interactions with her. 

For example, if she yells at you and you yell back, things will quickly disintegrate and deteriorate (which you already know, right?!). So you cannot justify a harsh response to her when she has a disrespectful response to you or there’s no parent in the lead.

Believe it or not, your daughter doesn’t like it when her relationship with you is off-kilter. In fact, we girls don’t do well when our primary relationships are out of tune. So even when our defensiveness rears its ugly head, underneath it all we want there to be harmony. I’ve discovered that men typically want the same thing.

Here are a few ideas to help you as a father lead your daughter in resolving conflict:

Dad, I realize that it’s super hard, if not impossible, to pursue your daughter’s heart when one or both of you are heated. I also know that in order to lead your daughter in a way that is congruent with your heart goals you will need to embrace humility and gentleness while remembering how much she deeply matters to you (as opposed to focusing on her reaction to your reaction or vice versa).

This week I’d love to see you choose one thing from this list of ten resolution ideas and let me know how it works…in the trenches.

Turn the fight to right by leading with love. It’s the best way to diffuse a disagreement…every single time.