What a Dad's Tears Tell His Daughter (Guest Blog By Randell Turner, Ph.D.)
Michelle Watson
[Today I have invited a fellow counselor and father mentor to share his thoughts on the power of a dad’s “allergies”—a.k.a. tears—in his daughter’s life. Being a dad of two daughters, I trust that his insights will positively impact the way you view tears.]
Like most men in America, I get uncomfortable when someone begins to cry. Be it one of my daughters, a close friend, or even watching someone cry in a movie or on television?
Why is it like that for most men?
For me, it had a lot to do with how I was raised—who my heroes and mentors were growing up. I learned early that the men I admired didn’t cry. After all, James Bond, Dirty Harry, or the Duke didn’t cry, and neither did any “real men,” like my father.
Nor did my sports role models, like Alan Page, Jack Lambert, Mean Joe Greene, and Mike Singletary. These legendary gridiron heroes of my generation were tough as nails. Every Sunday, I cheered each punishing tackle these men inflicted upon their opponents. All the while, it shaped my view of how a real man is supposed to act and feel: tough, powerful, in control, never showing weakness to anyone, no matter how much it hurts.
But life does hurt, sometimes profoundly.
Yet as little boys, we are taught not to shed tears early on. We heard frequent phrases like, “Get up! You’re not hurt; brush it off,” or “Big boys don’t cry,” or one of the most influential childhood quotes: “Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.”
As a result, we grow up embracing the mantra, “NEVER let them see you cry!” And so we don’t.
As a matter of fact, as young men, especially during our teen years, we often take pride in not crying.
We’ve adopted the view that tears are feminine, a sign of weakness; therefore, they become very uncomfortable. Furthermore, the mentoring men in our lives tended to only express tears at funerals or on rare special occasions like at a daughter’s wedding. Therefore, tears were relegated to infrequent and often confusing emotional expressions.
Year after year, we have stuffed our true feelings into the deep self-made dungeons until only a national crisis will breach its guarded gate.
Unfortunately, we didn’t realize that “unshed tears become a stagnant pool that pollutes our soul.” As a result, now we know that stuffing our emotions has detrimental effects on relationships, especially with our wives and children.
Moreover, it keeps us from being honest with ourselves and others. We often mask our hurt and potential tears with anger because anger helps us keep a lid on our emotions, maintain “manly” control, and allow us to stifle any tear.
But it doesn’t have to and shouldn’t be that way.
Not that we need to become a bunch of blubbering basket cases, but we do need to be courageous enough to express our true feelings to our family and those closest to us.
Tears represent the heart and the essence of what makes us human. To put a lock and key on our emotions is to bury a crucial part of who we are.
When we don’t allow ourselves to dig deep into our emotions, it robs our relationships of true intimacy and growth born out of shared feelings.
The tears shed by our wives and children, and especially those of our daughters, represent and express:
A crucial part of who they are
A truly transparent heart
Happiness, frustration, hurt, connection, learning, attachment, broken hearts, joy, and emotional overload
The language of tears is often saying: “I need you to stop and spend some time with me,” “Share this moment with me,” or “Don’t feel like you have to fix anything, just hold me while my heart heals.”
That is the truth that our tears tell; they represent the heart’s most profound thoughts and feelings.
That’s the truth I challenge all men, young and old, to embrace.
Even if your daughters don’t know how to tell you this directly, they want you to share your heart’s thoughts and feelings. Not just on special occasions and not necessarily every day, but consistently, honestly, and openly in our homes. Allow this honest expression of emotion to draw you closer to your daughters; stop burying an essential part of who you are.
Learning a new language is challenging, but well worth the work. Learning the language of tears can bring you closer to your daughter, as well as your family, spouse, and all of your children.
And it can help you be more honest with yourself. Every challenge has its risks, but with great risk also comes great reward. Are you courageous enough to embrace this challenge? I hope so, and so do your daughters.
Randell Turner, Ph.D. is an author, counselor, and a pioneer in the men’s and fatherhood movement. He has dedicated over 20 years in working with men who feel broken, rejected, isolated, and lonely because of their struggles with “intimacy ignorance.” Randell lives in Wisconsin and has two daughters and seven grandchildren. For more information, check out his website: TransformingFamilies.org.