What if Today Were Your Last Day to Invest in Your Daughter?

I’m at the age where attending funerals is becoming more commonplace. And truly, there’s nothing like an end of life celebration to bring everything into perspective. 

I still recall attending a funeral for a dear friend’s husband where there was hardly a dry eye in the place as one of their sons shared stories about what his dad had meant to him. 

While choking back tears, he said, “I think everyone here could say, I want more of my dad.”

His words hung in the air. He ended by saying that he was one of the lucky ones to have had an invested dad. 

As I reflect back on the years of interacting with girls and young women, a consistent theme I hear from them can be summed up in those same six words, “I want more of my dad.” 

Stated otherwise, I’ve never heard one of them say she had “too much” of her dad---too much time, too much attention, too much love, too much affirmation, too much laughter, too much interacting, too much talking, too much connecting, too much validating...you get the point.

This brings to mind the harrowing survival story I heard awhile back of Holocaust survivor, Eva Schloss, who was Anne Frank’s stepsister. She, her brother, and her parents had been taken as prisoners by the Nazis to the Polish death camps of Auschwitz and Birkenau during World War II. 

I was deeply moved by one particular story she shared when miraculously reconnected with her father after he had been granted permission to find her in an adjacent camp. Since they were in two different concentration camps, he had no idea that she had just resigned herself to death, was severely depressed, and had been crying much of the time. Yet upon seeing him she said that she felt revived. 

In her own words, Eva describes their reunion:

“His eyes were full of an immense love for me. I threw myself into his arms and felt his warmth and strength flow into me and pull me back to life. I sobbed uncontrollably while he held me close to him as if he would never let me go. He must have felt as happy as I did, to have his little daughter in his arms once more.

He told me to be brave and not to give up…We exchanged looks of such yearning and love that I still see his face like this in my dreams.”

Eva and her mother barely made it out of the war alive. Her brother and father did not.

Yet here she was, at 90 years old, and her dad’s love was still with her---a love that carried her through severe suffering, starvation, torture, assault, resettlement, and later, re-engagement with life. 

I talked with Eva after her presentation and told her about my work with dads of daughters. If I ever meet her again, I will definitely ask her more about her “Pappy” because from everything I could tell, she was still her daddy’s girl.

Dad, I share these stories with you today in the hope that your heart will be stirred. And not just stirred to experience emotion, but stirred to action. After all, it was God who said that it is the hearts of fathers that must turn toward their children, not their heads (Malachi 4:6). 

I want your heart to be stirred to engage your daughter’s heart today as you realize that any day could be your last. And any day could be her last. 

Your intentional investment today will leave a powerful, beautiful legacy for her. And your intentional investment today will leave a lasting, loving legacy in her.

Make this day a day where your daughter enthusiastically and confidently shouts, “I did have enough of my Dad today!”

After a Daughter Loses Her Dad

“I feel closer to my dad now that he’s gone. He used to joke with me and I’d burst into tears. Then he’d say I was too fragile and sensitive. But now he listens really well."

These are words shared with me from a woman who lost her dad just one year ago.

To honor his life, she went skiing on the anniversary of his death to remember and feel closer to him on the mountain where they used to ski together. She continued:

“I wish I would’ve had a chance to know him before he had all of his deep hurts and coping mechanisms. I got the parts of him when his threshold was maxed and then he’d blow. But I always knew there were tender parts of him that were his spirit.”

Such insightful and gracious words, to say the least. 

I wonder what her dad would say now if he could hear her sentiments. I believe he’d respond differently by kindly affirming her and seeking to understand her. 

We’re all aware that our time is limited.

We know there’s a beginning and an end to life here on earth. 

And the older we all get, the more we start looking in our rear view mirror to see there’s more behind us than ahead. 

Yet as hard as we try and imagine how we will be remembered after we’re gone, the reality is that it’s challenging to live every day as if it were our last.

But what a positive difference that awareness makes. 

That said, I want to share with you an email I received from a woman who also recently lost her dad.

Hi Michelle…I've never heard of you before yesterday. However, my dad died very suddenly 10 weeks ago at age 66 (the day before I turned 31). My mom passed me your book--Let's Talk. I didn't know he read your book, but the last 5 years of our relationship have been the best 5. He's shown his love in countless ways...sometimes for no reason. He was a very brilliant and quiet man. I did question his love at times growing up. We have had a sweet last 5 years. He helped me have the courage to buy my first home. He helped me fix it up and build furniture. We went on many dates. I am unsure what role your book played in his life, but I wanted to thank you for writing it. When he died--I had no doubts that he loved me. Glad he is home with his Heavenly Father. 

Although this is a bit of a somber post, my hope is that you’ll take away some powerful themes from the stories of these amazing women. Together they’re saying that the years of relational deposits from their dads have increased in value now that they’re gone. 

Every day that you’re still here is a day where you can positively and proactively invest in your daughter’s life, which makes it a better day than the last. 

I invite you to make a renewed commitment to activate these five things with your daughter, starting today:

1. Listen with more patience and grace 

2. Validate her unique wiring and personality

3. Set aside distractions in order to be fully present

4. Enjoy the distinctive things that make her unique…and tell her what they are!

5. Communicate with her today, telling her that you treasure her and love being her dad 

This is how your presence will remain active and alive in her when you’re no longer here to do and say these things. 

And this is what will empower her to stand alongside these other two women while joining them in saying she had no doubt that you--her dad--always loved her. 

The Day I Went to Prison

I went to prison last month. For real.

But just for one day.

And what I experienced on that Saturday in a maximum-security prison is something that will stay with me forever.

My hope is that you’ll be inspired and consequently be motivated to take action as a #girldad as you contrast and compare your story to the one I will share here.

Let me first give context.

I was invited to this prison experience alongside a group of people who have a passion for seeing recidivism decrease among inmates. They’ve discovered that a powerful path to accomplishing this goal is to bring dads and their kids together for one day in the hope that by uniting them there will be subsequent motivation for these men to take positive steps forward.

There was one particular dad-daughter pair that touched my heart so deeply that I have to tell you about them.

And for those of you who are a dad to a daughter, I trust that this powerful story will remind you to pursue her heart and tell her you love her every day while remembering that your freedom to do so is something that can easily be taken for granted.

To begin, imagine that you’re walking with me along a path in the middle of nowhere Mississippi on a dreary, rainy day. It’s mid-morning and as we move past the armed prison guards, we look up to see barbed-wire fences and buildings that look as worn and weary as the people who inhabit them. Together we walk through bullet-proof doors with multiple security cameras examining our every move, and we’re a bit apprehensive because we’re not fully sure what we’ll experience on the other side of the doors ahead. But we keep taking steps and walk into a gym that is the site for today’s event.

About 25 or 30 men are there, all dressed in prison garb with the word CONVICT in big, black, bold letters on the back of their shirts. Some of the inmates are seated in chairs in the middle of the room, nervously awaiting the arrival of their children while others are already reunited with their kids, laughing and playing games with them.

We walk around, smiling to cover up our discomfort as we say hello to the guys. Then we strike up a conversation with two men who eagerly share stories with us about their daughters. One has a 9-year old and the other tells us that today is the first time he will be meeting his 17-year old daughter. While speaking, that dad never takes his eyes off the main door as he anticipates her arrival.

We stand there taking it all in and when we turn our heads for a split second, we realize that he’s bolted out of his seat. We scan the room to find him at the front door, embracing his teenage daughter for the first time in her life…and his.

From across the room it’s clear that this dad is taking the initiative to connect with his daughter in an embrace that he’s no doubt anticipated for years. Everyone witnessing this moment has tears filling their eyes as we realize this sacred exchange is unfolding in real time before us.

At first glance, this looks like a Hallmark movie as this dad and his estranged daughter unite. But that’s not the whole story.

The reality (as we will later learn) is that when this young woman was being driven to the facility with her mom, she was shaking in fear, crying, and saying she didn’t want to do this after all. It was just too scary. Yet there she was, walking into her fear, courageously stepping into the unknown.

Without knowing any of that, her dad stepped up and stepped in to communicate through his hug that he was glad to meet her and thankful she came. He took the initiative to take the first steps to let her know she had value and worth to him.

Throughout the day, you and I discreetly watch them and notice they never move around the room to play any of the games. Instead, they sit side by side, both looking straight ahead most of the time. Often they aren’t talking at all, but somehow despite visible awkwardness, they stay at it.

Though we as volunteers have been instructed not to ask questions, we wonder about their backstory. We wonder what crime this dad committed that led him here and wonder how much longer he’ll be in this prison.

Yet despite all that we don’t know, there is one thing we do know: Both of them faced their fears and demonstrated courage with the end goal of connecting.

If you’re still okay walking alongside me as you picture this scenario in your mind’s eye, I want you now to hear and see what happens next. This is when the best moment of all begins to unfold.

We walk up to them at the end of the day when this dad happens to be telling his daughter the story of all of us talking earlier when she initially came through the door. Right then another leader asks us to join in praying for them.

Because I’ve read the research and believe in the power of safe touch between a dad and his daughter, as well as having noticed they hadn’t had any physical contact all day, I lead the way by saying, “let’s hold hands as we pray.” We all join hands and the prayers begin.

Then I knew it was time to call this dad into leading by example.

I look at him and say, “Now it’s your turn to pray for your daughter.” I wasn’t sure how he’d respond since I didn’t have any details about his faith background, but was overjoyed when he immediately began to pray out loud. Though I couldn’t hear all of what he said, I did hear the part where he prayed that she wouldn’t make the same mistakes he has made.

That’s when she began to cry.

I could tell that he didn’t know what to do so I coached him to put his arm around her. And he did. Right then she leans her head into her dad’s chest and her tears flow even more freely. I say to her, “Let out your tears, baby, because this is how your heart will heal.”

I’ll always remember that moment when a dad’s prayer over his teenage daughter opened the floodgates of her emotions as she heard her dad’s love expressed through an unrehearsed genuine prayer.

I was reminded anew that a dad doesn’t have to know how to pray in order to actually pray for his daughter. All he has to do is open his mouth and ask God to move in ways that align with what is on his heart for her.

Yes, bad choices and prison walls kept this dad from reaching his daughter’s heart and life for 17 years. But on this day he faced her and embraced her.

Dad, you don’t need to spend a day in prison to be reminded that you have the freedom to lead and love your daughter boldly.

So the question I ask you is: What’s your reason for letting one more day go by without facing, embracing, talking, praying, and telling your daughter how much you love her and why you do.

I know there’s one incarcerated dad who would trade places with you in a heartbeat just to have the ability to do all of that freely today.

How NOT to Make it Worse When Your Daughter is Grieving a Loss

Dad, you may have been raised in a family where showing emotions like sadness or fear weren’t tolerated, especially for boys. Perhaps you heard messages like, “real men don’t cry” because “only sissies show weakness.”

Sadly, as a result of this type of conditioning, there are too many men who don’t know how to truly connect to their emotions and have never learned how to release any feeling other than anger. (If this is you, I highly recommend a fantastic book by my good friend Marc Alan Schelske titled The Wisdom of Your Heart: Discovering the God-Given Purpose and Power of Your Emotions.)

Yet because daughters have a unique way of reaching their dads’ hearts, I’ve observed that men are easily inspired to go to greater depths within themselves in order to connect with their girls, often to places they didn’t even know they were capable of going. And since girls and women tend to respond best to softer emotions, a daughter unwittingly leads the way for her dad to expand his emotional bandwidth just for her.

And because the strongest bond any of us can ever have with another person is called a trauma bond, as you enter into your daughter’s grief process with her, a deeper, lasting bond is forming.

When it comes to walking alongside your daughter through such painful life experiences as loss and death, the best gift you can give her is to stay with her through her emotional process. This kind of response communicates that you’re in it with her for as long as it takes to express all her tears, fears, and questions.

For most people, grief doesn’t have an expiration date, so this is all about pacing with her through the entirety of the process according to her time frame.

If you find yourself wanting your daughter to get over her sadness quickly because it increases your distress to see her in pain, remember that your goal is to provide a safe space for her to emote and talk about her grief.

This will set her on the pathway to healing while simultaneously deepening her attachment to you.

And don’t ever tell her not to feel what she’s feeling and never give her the message that she’s weak for crying.

Even if you don’t understand all that she’s feeling (in power and duration), if you remain cognizant of the fact that you don’t need to fix her or take away her pain, you’ll discover that your presence with her in her sadness is a forever gift.

I’m attaching a list of questions here that will help you lead the way in giving your daughter permission to open up to you about her feelings of loss and grief---whether it’s the death of a loved one (a person or pet), not getting a job promotion, not making the team, or ending a relationship, whether romantic or otherwise, to name a few.

And whether you know it or not, your shoulders were made for this kind of heavy lifting.

So with a bit of practice, you’ll get stronger and more adept at entering into the tough stuff with your daughter. I’ll even go as far as saying that by carrying her load with her through asking questions that allow her to express what’s inside and actively listening, you’ll help decrease the negative intensity of her experience by 50%.

Now that’s a worthy use of your time and energy, wouldn’t you say? Go Dad!

7 Questions Dads Should Ask Their Daughters to Help Them Process the Texas Shooting

If you’re a dad who has felt overwhelmed this week about how to address the massacre in Uvalde, Texas with your kids, you’re not alone.

Tom is a dad to four young daughters and today he wrote and asked, “If you could give us dads any suggestions on how we should talk to our daughters about the shooting in Texas, we’ll take any advice we can get.”

I celebrate dads like Tom who are proactive in seeking to be a safe place for your daughters to process this tragedy that is out of their control and has most likely increased their anxiety.

Yet in the midst of crises, here’s a truth that prompts us to action.

Did you know that when we talk out and release the heaviness we hold inside, we actually “trauma bond” with those who enter into the trenches with us? And a trauma bond is the strongest bond two people can have.

This means that you have an opportunity right now to connect and attach even more with your daughter as you invite her to talk, grieve, feel, and heal…with you.

I want to highlight that there’s no right way or easy way to have a sobering conversation about why a deranged 18-year old shooter would commit a random act of violence that senselessly ended the lives of 19 kids and two teachers. Yet I also want to say that some conversation is better than no conversation. Your home should be the place where you as a family can wrestle through the hard topics that don’t necessarily have a precise answer.

Let me say it another way: The way you process the hard stuff matters more than explaining why the hard stuff happens. You don’t need to have all the answers, but by initiating and entering into this heavy topic with her, you give your daughter permission to process openly.

And the best gift you can give her is to stay with her through the entirety of her emotional process. This kind of response communicates that you’re in it with her for as long as it takes to express all her tears, fears, and questions. Expect her to be extra sensitive right now, often in other areas of her life, since it’s common for kids to vent their emotions through another portal rather than where the emotion or pain is actually rooted.

Dad, if you want to open up a conversation with your daughter about how she’s processing the Texas shooting, I suggest spending one-on-one time with your girls individually. This will let each one know that you really care about what she is experiencing.

Here’s a way you could say it: “Hi honey…I know how hard this week has been for you since hearing about the senseless shooting of innocent kids and teachers in Texas. As your dad, I’ve felt the heaviness too. And I’ve learned that when we put words to our feelings, it helps us move forward and heal because we’re connecting with those who walk with us through the hard stuff while helping us feel less alone and overwhelmed. Would you be willing to talk with me as I ask questions that invite you to share more about what you’re carrying in your heart?”

1. What has been the scariest part of hearing about the mass shooting of 19 kids and two teachers this week?
[Your daughter needs to know that it’s normal for her to feel heightened fear right now. And without making light of the deaths of 21 people, let her know that these are rare occurrences and it’s highly unlikely to happen to her. She needs you to validate her fear while assuring her of your presence and availability, reminding her that she’s safe now. You could also give her one of your shirts to hold onto so she feels you near her.]

2. What makes you sad as you think about the lives that were lost?
[Your daughter needs to be given permission to grieve and cry---even if her tears are only on the inside---so that her pain has a release. Let her know that our tears have salt in them and salt is a healing agent. So when we cry, our hurting hearts heal. Tell her about how your heart is sad too.]

3. What about this horrific tragedy makes you angry?
[Be aware that internalized unexpressed anger often leads to depression. So by encouraging your daughter to give voice to her anger over wrongdoings, evil and injustice, you help to support and strengthen her mental and emotional health.]

4. If you could say anything to the shooter right now, what would you say?
[Let your daughter freely express to you the gambit of words and feelings inside her---in whatever way she needs to express them---because this helps to counter any potential for numbness, disconnection or apathy.]

5. If you could compassionately say anything to the families or friends of those who died, what would you say?
[By asking your daughter this question, you are teaching her how to hold more than one reality simultaneously----she can tap into her anger at this injustice while also holding empathy. If your daughter is young, she could draw a picture as a gift to express love to the survivors.]

6. If you could ask or tell God anything about this situation, what would it be?
[Your daughter may blame God for this tragedy because He didn’t stop the shooter. She may struggle to understand how a loving God could allow bad things to happen to good people. Let her know that you don’t have these answers, but have faith to believe that God will walk through this valley of the shadow of death with them. Pray together for the families and friends who lost loved ones and ask for supernatural comfort for their grieving hearts. For younger girls, they could draw a picture of their prayer or wish.]

7. What do you need from me right now to feel comforted, supported, and loved?
[Your daughter may need extra hugs or she might need extra space. She may enjoy being closer to you as you share a meal or just get coffee. Others might want to work out the intensity through physical activity, such as a long walk, bike ride or hike with you while others might value a hand-written note to let her know you treasure her.]

Dad, as your daughter reflects on the lives that were lost, she will always remember that you were here in real time…with her. I assure you that she will cherish your warmth and kindness as you listen to her, care about her hurting hurt, and hold this sacred space…with her.

So let the talking…and empathizing…begin.