26 Ways to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy—from A to M [Part 1]

As you read the title of my blog, at first glance it might sound like a strange title coming from a Licensed Professional Counselor with a PhD in Psychology who’s been in private practice for almost 30 years! Are you wondering why I would suggest keeping your daughter OUT of therapy when my livelihood is based on people being IN therapy?!

Now that I have your attention, let me explain.

My goal today is to inform you about your influence as a GirlDad when it comes to investing in your daughter’s mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health, which research states is something you can contribute to…or contaminate.

As you know, in relationships we either make deposits or withdrawals into the “bank accounts” of those in our relational sphere. And your deposits and withdrawals have a HUGE impact on your daughter’s mental and emotional health. So if you want to keep your daughter out of therapy, you’ll need to make MORE DEPOSITS AND LESS WITHDRAWALS.

This isn’t saying you need to be perfect. Quite the contrary. This is about doing REPAIR after there’s been RUPTURE. And I have more good news. Your daughter will be healthier, stronger and more resilient as you consistently and intentionally invest in her with repetitions that confirm she can rely on you. All of this is essentially the definition of secure attachment.

The more your daughter is secure in experiencing you as supportive and loving, the more she will internalize your strength, love, and validation. And that security will build an internal positive base in her to last a lifetime.

This is how she’ll experience LESS depression, anxiety, body dissatisfaction, eating disorders, and unhealthy relationships.…and MORE confidence, academic and career success, and resilience, etc.

To make this list of 26 proactive strategies easier to remember, here’s my list from A to Z (which seems fitting since it’s back-to-school time, don’t you think?!). Today I’ll share the first 13, and in two weeks I’ll give you the final 13. This gives you two weeks to put these first 13 into action!

Admit when you’re wrong. This is a great starting point as a GirlDad. “Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God and He will exalt you in due time.” (I Peter 5:6) Enough said!

Build her confidence with true praise and affirmation. Every positive word you say and every positive thing you do is an installment in the foundation of your daughter’s identity.

Criticize never. You can correct her and address issues that need input or course correction, but never do it in a condescending or critical way that diminishes who she is. Make sure you never engage in name calling, belittling, shaming or condemning her. Address the behavior, not her identity.

Drop your anger. Your anger will do more to discourage and destroy your daughter than anything else. So make a proactive decision today to never respond in anger. Instead, walk away and then come back once you’ve cooled down. I appreciate what one dad recently told me, “I’ve always tried to control my anger, but it hasn’t worked. I’m now finally getting it and I’m hearing you. I need to make a decision to drop my anger, not just try to control it.”

Expect more of yourself than of your daughter. Be an example, remembering that your actions speaker louder than your words. Sometimes it’s easy to forget what it was like at her age so set your expectations realistically according to her stage of development, personality, birth order, wiring, gifts, and limitations.

Forgive easily and quickly. Model to your daughter what it looks like to be human as you’re willing to forgive after you’ve been hurt or disrespected, without retaliation. This is especially important if there’s been divorce. After naming the injury, choose to let go of the hurt. God forgave you so you can forgive her…and others.

Guidance. If you’re going to give input to your daughter, you have to get close enough to her heart for her to trust what you say. Remember the 5:1 Love Bank principle where you want to make 5 relational deposits to 1 withdrawal, which results in a higher likelihood that your daughter will listen to and follow your input.

Hug her often. Safe and respectful physical touch from a dad to his daughter is internalized in a way that lets her know you value and love her.

Initiate regular dates with her. This is intentional time where you pursue her heart by spending one-on-one time just with her. Tell her what you enjoy about her and ensure that she knows how much you treasure her.

Jesus. When Jesus met people at the point of their need, he led with love, truth, and grace. Hard as that may be to follow His lead, you can rest in knowing He’s walking with you. He said, “Apart from Me, you can do nothing.” (John 15:5). So it makes your job easier when you let Jesus give your daughter something through you that you can’t give in your own strength. This is when the supernatural supersedes the natural.

Knowledge. Be curious and interested in knowing about your daughter’s world…her friends, classes, favorite music, food preferences, jobs, dreams, struggles, hopes, faith, family relationships, interests, hobbies, etc. Make a commitment to learn more about her world by paying more attention to the little things, meeting her friends, asking questions, etc.

Listen more. The best way to know your daughter is to ask great questions, followed with intentional listening without interrupting. This is hard work because it means you have to slow down without formulating an immediate response. It’s the whole “two-ears-one-mouth” principle where you listen twice as much as you talk. I guarantee she’ll feel your love and will open up more if you practice honing your listening skills.

Momentum. This is about consistency and rhythms through the up’s and down’s of life. It’s about not letting relational setbacks deter your focus on the goal of contending for health and wholeness in your relationship. This is about looking at the big picture by faith, without being discouraged when one decision or action or interaction seems like it’s moving in the opposite direction.

So there it is…the first 13 ways [of 26] to keep your daughter out of therapy by strengthening your skill set as her dad.

The truth is that I want to see a generation of healthier women rise up who are living out of their core strength rather than from a place of weaknesses, injuries, and wounds. So anything you can do, Dad, to offset your daughter having unnecessary wounds from you while connecting more positively with you, the better for her, the better for our society…and the better for you!

[If you’d like to listen to a recording of where I talk about this in more detail on The Dad Whisperer Podcast, here’s the link: “How to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy."