Grief Sets the Pace

Grief is a tender place to be. 

We never choose it, but it chooses us. Better said, there’s no escaping the kind of excruciating pain we experience while on earth over the loss of a loved one. 

There’s a phrase I’ve told my counseling clients for years and now I’m living it: 

Grief sets the pace.

Grief comes in waves, and most often, those waves come without warning. And there’s really no option but to ride the waves of emotional intensity. Everything else has to wait when we’re washed over with tears flowing from a heart of love that now feels empty in the depths of our being.

That’s where I’m at right now. 

My precious 90-year-old Mom unexpectedly left earth for heaven three weeks ago. And though she lived a long life, it still feels like her life was cut short. Honestly, I got one of the very best moms God ever made… and I’m beyond thankful. She was my best friend, confidant, prayer backer, play buddy, and on it goes. Honestly, I wish she could have lived forever here. 

I’ve done lots of journaling, crying, talking, and processing. I’ve gone to physical places that my Mom and I visited together to feel close to her. I’ve looked at pictures just to see her face and listened to videos just to hear her voice… and they’ve brought laughter and comfort in my deep sadness.

I especially loved hearing her tell me to stop recording because she truly hated being in front of the camera. She preferred to be behind the scenes, supportive but unseen. But the motivation I carried inside while recording was knowing I’d play the videos one day when she was gone. Now I’m thankful to have them. 

One of my dear friends, Mitch, texted these words to me last week:

“Grief is such hard work no matter what.
I remember you telling me after one of our boys passed away...
‘that you hurt so much, because you loved them so much.’ 
Those words comforted me so many times.
I pray they will you as well.
I’m here to listen and help in any way.”

I’ve had so many friends and family reach out and tell me they care and are praying. My heart feels so loved and supported, cared for and carried. And I’ve felt God’s presence in tangible ways that have been powerful, even stronger and more real than my grief.

I’m sharing all of this with you today to let you know how much I loved my Mom. I truly can’t imagine the world (or my world, more specifically) without her in it. 

Yet this also brings to mind a few thoughts I’m highlighting for myself. Hopefully they will touch your heart too—whether you’re a dad or a daughter:

1. Tell the people around you that you love them again today… and be specific about how and why.
   Of course we never know when a day is our last. And we don’t ever want someone to leave this earth without hearing why their life made an impact. We all need to hear before we’re gone that our life mattered.

2. Humble yourself, ask forgiveness, and do whatever it takes to make amends to heal hurts.
   After we’re gone, those left behind will replay all the memories—the good ones and the bad ones. Let’s do our best to ensure that the stories told about us and the memories people have of us are reminders of how their lives were better with us, not the other way around. Let’s not leave this earth with unfinished relational business when we can still do something to promote healing while we’re still here.

3. We all leave a legacy and we get to choose what that will be.
   Without sounding arrogant, I can honestly say that I’m my Mom’s legacy. She invested in me with her time, generosity, sacrifice, words, prayers, service, and on it goes. Now I am blessed to live more fully with all the deposits she made in me.

   My question for you is this: In what specific ways are you spending time today intentionally leaving a lasting legacy, an eternal investment, that will live on after you in the lives of those you love? 

Thank you for reading my words as I’ve sought to honor my Mom’s life here with you.

And speaking of honor, if you take action in one specific way today based on what you just read, I’d love to hear about it. Share how you applied one of the three highlighted action steps here to invest intentionally and relationally today.

Your investments will outlive you.

My Mom’s investments have outlived her. 

Thank you, Mom, for living a life of faith, wrapped in sacrificial love and integrity. I’ll seek to follow in your footsteps, and until I see you again in heaven, I’ll stay the course in loving people wholeheartedly like you did. I love you Mom and will miss you always.

Love, Michelle