26 Ways to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy—from N to Z [Part 2]

Hey Dad...

Today is part 2 of a 2-part series on 26 proactive ways you can invest in your daughter to help strengthen her core identity to increase her mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health. 

As you read in my last blog, at first glance it might sound like a strange title coming from a Licensed Professional Counselor with a PhD in Psychology who’s been in private practice for 30 years! Are you wondering why I would suggest keeping your daughter OUT of therapy when my livelihood is based on people being IN therapy?! 

My goal again today is to highlight your influence as a GirlDad when it comes to investing in her so that you’re contributing more than contaminating…with MORE POSITIVE RELATIONAL DEPOSITS AND LESS NEGATIVE WITHDRAWALS. 

This is also about being committed to doing whatever it takes to REPAIR the relationship after there’s been RUPTURE. All of this increases secure attachment.

I’ll begin by reviewing the first 13 ways from my last blog to proactively invest in your daughter---from A to M. And then here below I’ll give you the final 13---from N to Z.

I’ll also attach a pdf at the end that you can print out as a reminder of these important action steps. You’ll also get a link to The Dad Whisperer Podcast where I talk about each one in more detail. Here goes!

Admit when you’re wrong. 

Build her confidence with true praise and affirmation. 

Criticize never. 

Drop your anger. 

Expect more of yourself than of your daughter. 

Forgive easily and quickly. 

Guidance. 

Hug her often. 

Initiate regular dates with her. 

Jesus.

Knowledge.

Listen more.

Momentum. 

No is a powerful word. Giving your daughter permission to say “no” to you is as important as her saying “yes.” This means you’ll have to let her practice disagreeing with you or pushing back, which will strengthen her ability to do the same out in the world. So even when she says “no” to you [as long as she’s not in danger and it’s appropriate to do so], you’ll grow in staying calm so she can “co-regulate with you” as she learns to regulate her own nervous system. 

Pace. To be honest, in my counseling practice, there are times I would love my clients to work through things faster so they don’t have to suffer so long. At other times I just don’t want them to keep making the same mistakes. But I have to put on my “patience hat” and walk with them at their pace, not mine. It’s the same with fathering your daughter. Make it your goal to pace with her at her age and stage of development as she learns to process life one step at a time. 

Questions. Asking good questions is a key strategy to strengthen relationships. The best way to keep the conversation going with your daughter is to listen for the key word or last word in her sentence (or paragraph), then follow up with more questions about what she just shared before commenting. Ask: Who? What? When? Where? Why? How? She’ll talk more if you learn to ask better questions! 

Reframe. Think of it this way: When you put a different colored mat or frame around a picture, it changes the entire look. Similarly, when you look at the situation with your daughter from a different angle, considering an alternate perspective, you help yourself and your daughter expand your capacity to see things with more insight and deeper meaning, leading to greater connection and understanding.

Servant leadership. The best way to lead is by example. Show your daughter what it’s like to serve others sacrificially. Volunteer together. And as you model this behavior where you find joy in serving her, your family, and her mom [even if you’re divorced], you will grow…and so will she.

Time. Because love is spelled T-I-M-E, remember that you don’t achieve quality time without quantity time.

Understanding. When you say to your daughter, “I know I don’t understand, but I want to understand. Can you help me understand?”, it will go a long way in letting her see how much you care. Your desire to understand her invites her into a sacred space with you as she figures things out by talking things out. 

Vulnerability. This quality of honest transparency [with age-appropriate boundaries, of course] builds a strong bridge to your daughter’s heart. Share with her some of the things you’ve learned the hard way and she will internalize that strength by seeing it’s in her DNA to overcome obstacles and never give up. 

Wipe her tears. Get close enough to her tears to wipe and dry them, which is another way of saying you’re increasing your empathy skills. When she lets you see her tears, she’s trusting you with her heart and her hurt. We “trauma bond” with those who are safe enough to be trusted with our tears. 

Xtend grace. Grace means unmerited favor. When you remember that you wouldn’t be where you are without a lot of grace being shown to you, it will help you give that same tolerance more easily to your daughter. 

Yes. You’ve heard of the movie, “Yes Day” where the parents say “YES” to every request from their child for one full day. What if you did the same and found ways to say “YES” to your daughter’s needs for an entire day in the near future. Option 2: You could also practice this with yourself where you say “YES” to more time with your daughter, which will require you to say “NO” to other things.

Zip it! Yes, you’re her dad and you’re leading and guiding and correcting…and on it goes. This is your God-given role in your daughter’s life for sure. But what if you were intentional in the next week or two about NOT saying something you want to say to her---maybe it’s a consequence or a lecture or a lesson. Instead, take longer to respond and wait to comment. Watch what happens in her…and you. I think it’s worth a try! 

So there you have it…26 ways to keep your daughter out of therapy by strengthening your skill set as her dad.

Like I said in my last blog, I want to see a generation of healthier women rise up who are living out of their core strength rather than from a place of weaknesses, injuries, and wounds. So anything you can do, Dad, to offset your daughter having unnecessary wounds from you while connecting more positively with you, the better for her, the better for our society…and the better for you! 

[Here’s a pdf of all 26 Ways to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy: Part 2

And if you’d like to listen to a recording of where I talk about this in more detail on The Dad Whisperer Podcast, here’s the link:  “How to Keep Your Daughter Out of Therapy"]