Dadvice: Soften Your Tone

I am hopeful by now that you, Dad, really know that I’m one of your biggest fans.  To underscore that fact, I have a tagline on my website that truly captures my heart, which is simply this: Helping Dads Become Heroes.

You’ve heard me say time and again that in order to be a hero, you have to take action. Think:  Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Iron Man. Now think: You.  

Truth be told, superheroes can’t hold a candle to you because you have the ability to take your superpowers and use them to touch your daughter’s heart and life in profound, forever ways. You as a superhero are the first man to love your daughter. That is your most incredible superpower.  

I know that you want to see your daughter grow and bloom and soar. I believe your deepest desire is to mold and shape her in ways that hold her in good stead throughout her life.

Yet because you’re a mere mortal and not super human, your mask and armor come off when you get home. That’s where things sometimes don’t always line up between your head and your heart. That’s where the emotional switch gets flipped on and buttons get pushed. That’s where you say things you later regret, leading to the need for making amends.

If I could offer one piece of advice to help you achieve your goal of being the best dialed-in dad you can be, I would say this:  

Soften your tone...

Or to say it another way:  Your tone changes your tune. Your daughter will hear you differently if your tone of voice is more gentle. 

I realize the word soft isn’t the most masculine of terms and yet if you want to see better results in the quality of your relationship with your daughter, trust me when I say it’s worth the work to hone this skill because your interactions will thrive as a result.

Over time I’ve come to discover, both from interacting with dads and daughters, that men don’t always realize how their intense their vocal tone actually is. In one fell swoop, those forceful words cut like a knife to the heart. To her heart.

Oftentimes as men you think you’re talking in a gentle tone to your daughters, but to them it sounds like a harsh command. They hear your words as an order being barked at them. I know you don’t hear it that way, and you’re confused because your sons never seem to have a problem when you talk to them like that, right?

And though fathers sometimes say that their daughters are the ones who have the tone problem because of their big emotional reactive responses, I would suggest that change has to start with you. If you stay soft, she will calm down. 

So how do you activate this stance of softening your tone?

1. Give yourself a time out.

And not just a random number of minutes. I suggest one that is synonymous with your age. I know that might sound crazy but it works in the same way with adults as kids. If you’re 50, then you need 50 minutes after being enraged or frustrated to calm down. Decide here on the front end that you will never set limits, correct or instruct when you’re angry and emotionally activated. Walk away and come back later. That way there’s less chance of saying something you’ll regret. It’s always a good idea to wait until your emotional midbrain has returned to its normal state before engaging in a potentially intense interaction. 

2. Find another dad to be accountable to.

I continue to be aware that men are most highly motivated when there is competition and/or camaraderie. So why not find another father who is working on softening his tone and then challenge each other to change the way you interact with your kids. Touch base at least once a month and encourage each other to stay the course. 

3. Ask your daughter for periodic feedback.

Since your goal is to nurture her heart space, why not use her feedback as a template to gauge how you’re really doing. Let her know you’re working on this and then invite her to give you input. This will add yet another layer of accountability as you ask your daughter to weigh in.

I have yet to meet a father or a daughter who doesn’t want their relationship to be healthier and stronger. And I have yet to meet a father or a daughter who isn’t happier and more hopeful when their relationship is on track and in harmony.  

But if the bridge has been bombed out between the two of you due to this exact issue of heart hurts, there is no better time than the present to soften your tone and change the dance.

She’ll be glad you did.  So will you.

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Dad, What is it About Women and Their Shoes?

A couple of weeks ago I was walking down the sidewalk and complemented a woman on her cute outfit, only to have her turn her head as she passed by and say, “I love your shoes!” 

In and of itself that comment might not be worth mentioning except for the fact that I’ve heard that exact same thing about those exact same shoes from so many women over the past five years (yes, my shoes are that old) that I’ve lost count! I don’t know what it is about them that catches the eye, but they’ve definitely been quite the conversation starter time and again. 

I even remember wearing them four years ago when my pastor interviewed me one Sunday morning about The Abba Project. Both of us sat on stools, which is significant to note because my shoes were apparently more readily seen from that vantage point than had I been standing.  

Fast forward to the next Friday as I stood in line at Staples while wearing my infamous pair of shoes when a women who had been in that church service sheepishly approached me and said, 

“I wasn’t sure if that was you but then I looked down and saw your shoes and definitely knew it was you!” 

Her comment was so delightfully funny to me that I took a picture of my feet right then and there and immediately shared the serendipitous story on social media. Suffice it to say, the responses poured in and my shoes again were the talk of the town! 

Of course, now that I have your curiosity stirred, I might as well show you what this notorious pair of footgear actually looks like:

All of this simply raises the question: What is it about women and their shoes? 

Because I write this blog to help fathers better understand, relate to, connect with, and dial in to their daughter’s heart space, it seems worthy of underscoring the fact to you dads that: shoes matter. 

Don’t ask why. They just do. 

Although I realize this all may sound a bit ridiculous, I might as well continue and say it another way: Maybe there’s a correlation between caring about your daughter’s heart and caring about your daughter’s feet. 

Since we’re on the topic of that which dons the foot, let’s go ahead and step into the land of pedicures, shall we? 

It’s the rare woman who doesn’t love a pedicure. I guess there’s something about being pampered and having beautiful toes that “meets a need” in us girls. 

Now I’m guessing that you may have had this thought cross your mind a time or two and if so, it may have sounded something like this: If God wanted you to have painted toenails, He would have made you with them. 

But that, my friend, is not going to get you very far if you really want to connect with your daughter. Of course painted toenails aren’t a necessity. But sometimes it’s those little, unnecessary things that you do that really show you care. Truth be told, it says so much about our worth and value when you, Dad, tune in to the non-essentials, not just the essentials.  

 And though I truly am saying this tongue-in-cheek, I guess this podiatry focus resonates with the heart of God in a way because He has gone on record as saying: 

"How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news.” 
(Isaiah 52:7) 

Perhaps if God Himself values beautiful feet doing a good thing, could it be that He also supports a dad who follows His example by valuing the same? 

All this to say, why not take a step forward and trust that your daughter will be blown away if you decide to show love to her feet. 

Think of it as supporting that which holds her upright as she stands solidly and confidently in who she is, grounded in the truth that her dad cares about the soles on which she is positioned. 

I doubt you’ll ever look at her feet the same after reading this blog. So why not use this as a springboard to invest in the beautiful feet of your precious daughter today. Trust me: she’ll be glad you did!

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Car Keys and Testosterone

Think back to when you got your driver’s permit somewhere around the age of fifteen.

Do you recall times when you stepped on the brake a little too hard or when you drove a little too fast and threw caution to the wind? Or what about that time you accepted the challenge to see who could hit 100 mph the fastest?

Whether you knew it or not, there was a lot going on hormonally that impacted your driving. Your testosterone levels were at an all-time high, and your voice (and your entire life actually) was trying to find which octave to settle down in.

Attention, memory, spatial ability, and aggression are all affected by testosterone levels. Your body was adjusting and learning how to stay in balance at the exact same time that you were being trusted to navigate a moving vehicle. Kind of scary when you think back on it now, huh?

Yet it was all part of the learning curve.

You learned by practice and experience, by doing things too much or not enough.

It’s the same with your daughter when it comes to finding and using her voice. As she hits puberty (and for many girls puberty is starting earlier so this may apply to your daughter even before the age of twelve), she will use her voice too much at times and not enough at others. She will inadvertently run into walls sometimes, and even crash and burn.

But just like when you were a new driver and needed support as you navigated life behind the wheel, your daughter needs your support as she develops into a young woman who is learning as she goes.

Let grace be your guide.

She desperately needs your kind encouragement instead of high expectations, your rules backed by a supportive and respectful relationship, with no criticism or harsh critique so she can find her way on her path to growing up.

If you truly want to assist your daughter in this voice-finding venture, here’s something to keep in the forefront of your mind:

You can’t tell her that you want her to use her voice out in the world if you aren’t willing to let her practice finding it, using it, and honing it at home.

I realize that it’s hard work to listen when you have no margin after a long day.

It’s hard work to stay calm when she’s wordy or mouthy.

It’s hard work to track with her when her emotional intensity is as unpredictable as the weather.

But if you want to raise a daughter who is strong, vibrant, healthy, and confident, then you must gently and respectfully respond and interact as she is learning to use that amazing voice of hers.

Yes, this will take a boatload of strength on your part, especially when you want her to stop wrestling through the tough issues of life, from rules or guidelines to spiritual questions to boundaries.

Just keep reminding yourself that if you want her to be strong and bold, you as her dad are setting the foundation for her to be a critical thinker by going through these ups and downs with her.

As your daughter matures, she will be all over the map in knowing how to properly use her voice.

But like anything in life, the only way to gain expertise is with practice.

Let her practice with you.

(Today’s blog is an excerpt from page 92 in my book Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart). 

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Dad: it's not about being perfect, it's about being present.

I read a story a couple of years ago that has stayed with me ever since.  

Some stories have a powerful way of doing that, especially when they go straight to the heart. Today I shared this story with a dad who unexpectedly found himself tearing up while hearing it. Because of his response, I figured that was all the nudge I needed to now to tell it to you.

A few years ago a pastor named George Brantley spoke on the topic of fathering to a student body of 1,100 at a Christian college in Texas. After spending two days with them he ended by offering a “safe hug” to anyone who needed one.  

It was said that, “What happened next was both tragic and astounding.”

One by one, hundreds of young men and women made their way to the front of the auditorium while many stood in line for over three hours, all to experience a “safe hug” from this man. Apparently there were so many who sobbed on George’s shoulders that it literally ruined his jacket and shirt.

Think of the power of that exchange and what this story signifies. There was such a powerful longing for the strong arms of a safe man to wrap around them that they waited for minutes and even hours just to receive this small deposit into their emotional bank account.

In a matter of only two days this father figure so impacted these college students that they found themselves drawn to his authentic love and gift of safe touch. This was a father who showed up and was present, even with kids who weren’t his own. 

All he did was offer to put his arms around them in a gesture that affirmed and communicated love. The result? They lined up and waited their turn. For hours. All for a hug.

My friend Paul Young is like that. Some would say that his hugs heal. I count myself among them and can affirm that his hugs have definitely been healing for me. 

Safe hugs have a way of doing that, even without verbiage. They touch the depths of who we are and warmly say that it’s going to be okay, and more importantly, that you’re worth loving.  

That is the epitome of what being present looks and feels like.

Dad, your daughter needs your physical, loving arms around her. Daily. 

Did you know that the research overwhelmingly confirms that daughters who are securely attached to their fathers (which is a fancy way of saying that a dad is dialed in and attentive while being close enough to emotionally engage and physically connect with his daughter) have:

• greater academic success
• stronger abilities to handle stress 
• are more vocationally competent, 
• are less anxious and insecure about relationships 
• are more satisfied with their appearance and body weight 
• are more likely to create and to maintain emotionally intimate, fulfilling relationships with men
• and the list goes on

And if my words aren’t enough to underscore this truth, listen to a couple of responses I heard when I posted these words on social media this week: “Dad, it’s not about being perfect, it’s about being present.” 

    Elaina wrote, “I can’t click ‘like’ enough times!”

    Bonnie wrote, “This needs to be shared OVER AND OVER.”

Dad, she doesn’t need you to be perfect.  She just needs you to be present.  And this is the kind of “present” where you show up in physical form with hugs ready. No words required.

Ready. Set. Hug!

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Bad Hair Days and How Dad Can Save the Day

It's a Friday afternoon in August.

2:30 pm. I had just gotten my hair cut and it turned out way shorter than I had wanted. The cut wasn’t bad--it just wasn’t what I expected.

5:30 pm. My parents pick me up and we head to Panera for dinner. Of course I vent about my haircut. For ten minutes. It was then that my mom (who is the sweetest, most gentle and tender soul on the planet) turned around and lovingly said to me, “Do you think we could be happy now and maybe just move on?”

I’d love to say that I received her invitation with grace and thanksgiving. But no. Here’s what you would have heard if you were a fly on the inside of the car door as I responded with depth and maturity (not!):

“How do you think my clients would feel if, after ten minutes of being in my office, I told them that they’d had enough of feeling sad for today and now it was time to move on and be happy?”

I then added, “I have the privilege of listening to people’s struggles all week and now it's my turn to be listened to. But you want me to be instantly happy. I figure things out by processing and I just need you to listen as I talk it out. That is a gift to me.”

My cute momma said she would try to listen more (even though she’d clearly had enough of my bitchin’ and moanin’). But I kind of shut down after that, even though I was trying hard not to.

Through all of this my dad was sitting in the driver’s seat of the car, not saying a word. He held the ground steady as the ripples of the earthquake that started in the backseat were making their way forward. After living with four daughters and a wife, he’s learned at times like this that it’s best to stay silent until the storm has passed.

5:55 pm. We walk into Panera. The emotional air is thick around us but we order our food and try to salvage the evening as a best we could. My dad tells me that he really likes my haircut.

“You do? You’re not just saying that?,” I eek out.

“I think it is shaped nicely around your face and looks great on you.”

“For real? You promise you really mean that? Okay, I’ll try to believe you...thanks Dad.”

Hearing my dad’s truth about my hair helped me to look through his eyes and settle down. I guess I needed a man’s perspective more than I even realized.

My dad got it right that time. His tone, his truth, and his timing were spot on.

6:05 p.m. I can breathe again. Now I’m ready to enjoy eating a fantastic Greek Chicken Salad with a whole wheat baguette on the side. Partial melt down complete. Total melt down averted.

I don’t know what happens at times like this for us girls when the world seems to cave in over a seemingly insignificant thing and it’s hard to regain solid footing. That’s when dad wins the triple word score by saying just the right thing in just the right way at just the right time.

It doesn’t have to be a ton of verbiage, but your calming presence, Dad, and a few words of affirmation seem to do the trick.

The emotional torrents where the winds and waves hit unexpectedly have a way of dying down when the response from you parallels the desired outcome: soft, gentle, tender, rational, clear. That’s when you save the day. That’s when you save our day.

Dad, you can rescue a bad hair day and help turn it around by following a few simple steps.

Let’s call them the “Five Hair Don’t’s and Hair Do’s”:

1. Don’t talk louder in an attempt to overpower her intensity when she’s overwhelmed.
Do talk softly and gently (even if that doesn’t seem very manly!).

2. Don’t tell her what to feel or not to feel.
Do tell her you’re truly sorry she’s having a hard day.

3. Don’t tell her she is making a mountain out of a molehill.
Do tell her that mountains (of emotional intensity) are part of life and you’ll always be at the base of the mountain, ready and steady.

4. Don’t tell her that she needs to toughen up.
Do tell her that her sensitivity is one of her greatest strengths while teaching her by your example what it looks like to stay calm in the storm and work it through.

5. Don’t tell her she shouldn’t care about external things, like haircuts.
Do tell her that you care about what she cares about (even if you can’t fully understand it from her perspective).

On the worst hair day, there’s nothing like having a dad who is in your corner cheering you on, telling you that you’re going to be okay while affirming you through the process.

Dad...don’t ever forget how much we need you through the high’s and the low’s of life. You are one of our greatest resources when you come alongside us and help save the day.

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Six Words That Will Make You A Better Dad

Are you old enough to remember the craze in the 60’s and 70’s where really cool prizes (a.k.a. “cheap gimmicks”) were tucked inside cereal boxes? I can still see my sister and I begging my mom to buy the cereal with the most alluring prizes, regardless of whether we even liked them (which I’m sure set a foundation that thrives to this day because I’m still a sucker for a deal!).

One of my all-time favorite prizes was a decoder ring that I somehow believed would instantaneously transform me into Sherlock Holmes because I now had the tool for solving the mysteries on the back of the box (it’s amazing how inexpensive toys brought such joy back then…but that’s another story for another day).

The thing that sticks out in my mind about decoder rings is that they instantly provide the link between the problem and the solution. Without the magic ring the problem is left unsolved and unanswered.

If you’re a dad to a daughter, the question I pose to you is this: Do you ever wish you had a decoder ring to better translate, understand, and relate to her?

If you’re anything like the dads of daughters I lead in The Abba Project (a group for dads with girls between the ages of 13 and 30) you are often left scratching your head as your daughter matures into her teen years and beyond, sometimes wondering where “daddy’s little girl” went. As your potential confusion and overwhelm rise, it can easily lead you to make a reactive decision where you back away while turning to mom and saying, “Here, you’re a girl---you handle it.”

Child psychologist Dr. James Dobson poses a powerful question: What does a girl need from her parents when everything has gone topsy-turvy? The answer, he says, is more attachment, not less.

To further underscore the point he adds, “Even when she is most unlovable, she needs love and connectedness not only from her mother but also from her father.”

So what do you need to be a dialed-in dad who is sensitive to your ever-changing daughter even with all of her ups and downs?

I believe the answer is tucked inside an obscure story in the middle of the book of Joshua (by the way, even if you’re not one to crack open the Bible I hope you’ll hang in here and keep reading. It’s a really cool narrative…I promise!)

This is a story about an incredible dad who got it right with his daughter. He says six words that, if emulated, will make you a better dad starting today.

Quick backstory: Caleb is an Israelite spy who, along with his friend Joshua, went on a journey to check out what was called “the Promised Land” to find out if it was inhabitable. After their exploration there was one BIG problem: there were giants living in it. But instead of being intimidated, these two guys saw with eyes of faith and believed that God would give them the land regardless of the overwhelming odds.

Now we'll fast forward to a later time when Caleb is interacting with his married daughter, Achsah. Just like her visionary dad, she was a courageous woman who wasn’t afraid to ask for what she wanted. It’s obvious that her dad had modeled to her what it meant to be bold and forthright.

Let’s pick up the story in Joshua 15. “One day when Achsah came to her husband, she urged him to ask her father for a field. When she got off her donkey, Caleb asked her,

“What can I do for you?”

I love that question from dad to daughter. It’s so simple yet so profound. These are six words that every dad should memorize and use regularly. I believe they will positively impact the way your daughter interacts with you if you put them into practice.

Notice that this dad brought himself to his daughter’s problem. He was willing to invest his time and his resources to help her, all before he knew what it was she even wanted.

Here is Achsah’s response to her dad’s question: “Do me a special favor. Since you have given me land in the Negev, give me also springs of water.”

She obviously had a foundation of relationship to ask her dad for “a special favor.” She knew he would listen. She had no fear of asking for something in addition to the first gift he’d already given her. She trusted that he would respond.

The amazing thing is that he does it for her. We read that “Caleb gave her the upper and lower springs.”

Do you notice how easily she responded to her dad’s question about what she wanted without holding back?

Do you notice how he offers himself as the solution to her request?

Do you notice how he gives his daughter more than she asked for? Dad, I encourage you to begin making these six words a regular part of your interactions with your daughter: “What can I do for you?” It’s not about throwing things at her; it’s about bringing YOU to the relationship. I guarantee that these few words will be a game-changer in the way your daughter responds to you.

Who would've thought that a father from the 16th century BC could provide such a profound six-word code that dads in the 21st century can use to unlock their daughter’s heart?

Thanks Caleb for being a fantastic role model of a dialed-in dad.

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Dr. Seuss Weighs in on Fathering

As we all know, in any profession there are brilliant and skilled doctors who have expertise and know-how in very specific areas.  

Not unlike docs in the medical, dental, or psychological professions who bring their best to their patients, there is another doctor with whom most of us grew up, someone our parents turned to time and again. No, I’m not talking about Dr. Spock (who literally was the “go-to” guy for my mom as she raised me in the 60’s).  I’m talking about Dr. Seuss!  

I love the fact that in some of his well-known children’s books he actually addresses the relationship between parents and kids.  Most of us (actually, I mean me) perhaps never really thought of it like this until now, but I think that Dr. Seuss could probably enlighten us on a thing or two when it comes to father-daughter dynamics since he is the most infamous children’s doctor of all time. 

Of course the beauty of a childhood story is that we don’t always have to give much thought to every minute detail.  But being that I’m a shrink, I do have a curious desire to ponder what subtle undertones might be conveyed in this classic, Hop on Pop.  Let’s review what the good doctor was saying, shall we?   

Here is an excerpt:  (feel free to read along as you reconnect with your “inner child!”)

Sad.  Dad.  Bad.  Had.

Dad is sad.

Very, very sad.

He had a bad day.

What a day Dad had!

Hop.  Pop.

We like to hop.

We like to hop on top of Pop.

STOP. 

(Pop now finally sits up with a stern, angry look on his face while two bewildered children sit stunned as their dad says…)

You must not hop on Pop.

After this section in the book we don’t hear about dad again until the end (which has me a bit confused regarding the title since there’s really not much coverage of the actual hopping on top of Pop!).  

Then finally, right before the last page, we’re introduced to one more important thing about dad. We discover that he can read big words like “Constantinople” and “Timbuktu.”  I don’t know about you but it’s nice to know that the father in the story is intelligent and capable.

The question I now pose is this:  What has Dr. Seuss taught us about fathering and could there be any life lessons tucked into these few short pages? 

Let me take the liberty to highlight a few things I’ve gleaned from Hop on Pop:

1. Dad has emotion.

2. Dad doesn’t hide his sad emotions from his kids (especially his very, very sad ones).

3. Kids like to play with Dad. 

4. Dad lets his kids get close to him even when he’s had a bad day.

5. Dad allows his kids use him as a jungle gym (maybe it doubles a new kind of “play therapy” to cheer dad up after a hard day while also meeting his kids needs).

6. Dad has a limit on how much interaction with his kids he can handle when he’s stressed.

7. Dad abruptly STOPS the connection of interactive play when he’s had enough (a.k.a. dad sets a boundary).

8. Dad is smart and understands complex words and concepts.

These eight observations about dads are one thing, but now I’d like to take it a step further and translate them into eight things I believe are important for dads to know in relation to their daughters based on the “deep insights” taught by our favorite doctor:

1. We daughters are very dialed in to your emotions and moods, dad.

2. It’s okay to be real and let us see your sad emotions as well as your happy ones.

3. We like it when you are approachable even on your very bad days because we care about you.

4. We need you to let us physically connect with you on good and bad days; truth be told, sometimes we need safe touch from you on our hard days too (By the way, did you know that when you hug or kiss someone that oxytocin is released in your brain, which counters cortisol, the stress hormone?  Lesson: Give more hugs and kisses on your very bad days and you’ll both feel better).

5. We know you have a limit on how much you can handle and it’s understandable when you’ve hit that point.  

6. We’d prefer that you not scream and shout at us when hitting your max capacity but we do like knowing you’re human.

7. It’s okay to set a boundary when you need to, but please remember that you are teaching us how to handle intensity by your example. 

8. We really do like the fact that you are smart and can decode big words and concepts.  We love it when you educate us on things you understand and know.  And even if you can’t solve all the world’s problems, for some reason we like to believe you can.  

So there you have it:  A few thoughts about fathers that I, as a daughter, think are worth underscoring about the father-daughter relationship.

Why not choose one of the things listed here and make it happen today with your daughter: 

• Show vulnerable expression of your “softer” emotions (like sad)
• Hug her even if you’ve had a bad day
• Lovingly (not abruptly) communicate when you’ve had enough or are maxed
• Set healthy boundaries with her by modeling what that looks like
• Teach her something new so you can both grow smarter together 

Thanks Dr. Seuss for teaching us a thing or two about little kids and big kids alike from your vast base of knowledge.  We’re deeply indebted to you and are ready now to “hop” into action! 

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A Father’s Heart: An Abba Project Dad Interview

There’s nothing like a true story, a raw and real story, to capture the heart of a reader. Today I have the privilege of introducing you to a dad who is currently in The Abba Project.

(Disclaimer: I’m not seeking to run a promotion for The Abba Project. More than anything, I share this story to inspire other dads to do whatever it takes to pursue their daughter’s heart. And if you do need a tool to reach that end, I encourage you to get my book and follow the directives laid out in it. I am your biggest fan and want to equip you to succeed as a father!)

Now back to the story. Alfonso almost quit after the second group, but thankfully stuck with it. He’s glad he did. I am too.

Alf is a father to three kids, two sons and one daughter. Claire is the oldest and a current college student who lives across the country, a factor that led him to connect with her from a distance, thus demonstrating that pursuit of a daughter’s heart can happen despite challenging odds.

He is willing to give you a birds-eye view into the process of engaging his father heart over the course of the past seven months. I believe his story will inspire you as it has me.

1. How would you describe yourself as a father throughout the last two decades?

Over the last two decades, I’d describe myself as a father who continually questioned his parenting decisions, especially when my actions were driven by anger and being impatient. I would rationalize my actions by saying, “…my parents raised me this way and I turned out okay.”

2. What kind of father was your dad to you and sister?

My dad had his moments of kindness, but he was hands-off. He wasn’t involved in many of key events of my life or my sisters. Don’t get me wrong, he was proud of our accomplishments, but he didn’t want, or didn’t know any better that it was important to me and my sister, to be dialed in.

3. What impact has fathering a daughter had on you personally in contrast to fathering your sons?

This is a tough question to answer because it’s an admission that I’m not as kind or caring as a father that I’ve led myself to believe. My impact of fathering a daughter has made me withdrawn, in contrast of fathering my sons. As you pointed out numerous times during The Abba Project sessions, it’s easier to do nothing than to do it wrong.

4. Are there any areas where you wish you had done things differently with her now that she’s in her 20’s and you look back?

Oh my gosh, where do I begin? I wish I would have been a more involved parent in everything. For her interest in art and music, I wish I would have been more than just an observer/bystander. Many times, I’d go to her art or music events thinking that I was being a supportive parent. I just assumed that was enough. It was certainly more than my parents did for me, growing up.

In her schooling, I wish I would have been more of a participant. I’d watch my wife help her with homework, read to her, and manage every aspect of her schooling. Claire or my wife never asked for my help…but, then again, I never offered either.

In sports, I wish I would have invited her to join me in swimming, biking or running, especially when I was training. We did go on some fun rides, but it stopped when she stopped asking. (Answering this question brought tears to my eyes).

5. You have changed A LOT throughout the course of the last seven months in The Abba Project. What exactly would you say has brought about such dramatic changes in you?

This one is easy. To use the advice you’ve shared with our Abba group and other fathers, get rid of the anger. If there’s one thing you’ve recommended as the most important, that would be the top of my list. And I can’t begin to tell you how dramatic of a change that has made in my life. I can honestly say that my first reaction to many challenges in my life is not to get angry anymore.

6. Where have you seen the most changes in yourself in the last seven months?

Being more patient. Taking the time to think about what I want to communicate and how I want to communicate it. Slowing down to think about the big picture: “How will my immediate actions affect my daughter and/or my family in the long run?”

7. What would you tell other dads who aren’t quite sure whether they want to be a part of a 9-month group to focus on specifically dialing in to their daughter’s heart?

I’d ask them, “Has what you’ve been doing, up until this point, worked? I suspect not. Then, give yourself permission to let your guard down. Allow yourself to be vulnerable to the process. What have you got to lose?”

But, to be more positive, give your daughter the relationship she’s probably wanted, one that goes back when she was a little girl. (Assuming there was a positive period between the dad and daughter at some point, give her that gift again. She deserves it, like you deserve the loving relationship with your daughter.)

8. What would you say to other dads who don’t want to look within themselves and change anything but want their daughters to do the changing?

Take a leap of faith. Recognize that what you’re doing or not doing is not bringing about change. At least meet her halfway. You may be surprised. If you truly want to have a relationship with your daughter, do the opposite of what you’re doing. At least give it a chance.

9. What would you tell other dads about what it means to be a dialed-in dad?

It means you’ll have a lasting and meaningful relationship with your children. Don’t be a side-line dad. Observing has it place, but don’t limit your relationships by just being a parent that shows up for events.

10. If you could give one piece of advice to fathers of daughters, what would it be?

If I had to limit it to one thing…Get rid of the anger!!! It’s waste of time and it doesn’t accomplish anything.

11. Is there anything I haven’t asked you that you want to share?

At the risk of sounding like a job interview, I’d like to ask myself this question. “Alf, where do you see yourself as a father to your daughter in a year, three years, five years, or more?”

This is a very difficult question to answer for a variety of reasons, but for the next year it’s my goal to be a genuine, inquisitive father and to be taking proactive steps to maintain what I’ve learned throughout The Abba Project. And ultimately, I’d like her to come to me for life’s advice as much as she goes to her mother.

Thank you, Alf, for courageously leading the way by willingly sharing your story. You have shown us the true reward that comes from entering into the process of self-examination while choosing to walk your talk by engaging your daughter’s heart with intention and consistency.

YOU are living proof as to why I believe our country will strengthen from the ground up as dads step up to the plate and invest in their daughter’s lives like never before. As you have shown us here, not only do you as a father change in the process, but you have the power to positively transform the lives of your children as well. I pray that more dads will follow your lead.

YOU, my friend, are now living with an awakened father’s heart and I want to go on record as saying that this makes you one of my heroes! Go Dad!

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Dad: Do Your Eyes Light Up When You See Her?

I don’t know if you’re a Dustin Hoffman fan, but I’ve loved his work ever since he took on the role of an autistic savant in Rain Man back in the late 80’s. He has an extraordinary gift of fully stepping into the characters he portrays, which was made evident when he later donned the quirky role of a 243-year-old eccentric toy store owner in Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium. 

I want to take you beyond his character for a moment and focus on his apprentice by the name of Molly Mahoney, played by the beautiful Natalie Portman.  

Although an accomplished pianist, she lacks any confidence in her musical ability and is forced to come face-to-face with her debilitating insecurities. Described as “needing an opportunity to prove that she is more than she believes,” Mr. Magorium creates a so-called “opportunity” for Molly to embrace her innate potential and strength by announcing that the toy store is hers. He wants her to rise to the occasion and discover what he has seen in her all along.  

But instead of pushing through her immobilizing fears, she walks away from the opportunity. She doesn’t believe she has what it takes to succeed.  

As Molly wrestles with finding her place in her own life story, she turns to an accountant by the name of Henry (played by Jason Bateman) and with her eyes cast downward asks him, “What do you see in me?” 

As a guy, he doesn’t really understand what she means, and tells her so. Then she rephrases her question and asks, “Do I sparkle?” 

I am struck by her question. I truly believe this is a universal question tucked inside every daughter, even if she hasn’t quite put it into those words.  

“Being the sparkle in someone’s eye” is something my dear friend and colleague Dr. Jim Friesen talks about in his book, The Life Model: Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You. He says that some neurologists describe this concept as our most basic human need: Not only to be that sparkle but to feel the joy inside when someone lights up upon seeing us. 

Because little children can feel this joy in loving relationships, Jim says that much of life is spent trying to reconnect with that feeling. Life makes so much more sense when people around us reflect back the authentic joy that comes from simply seeing us and being with us. There is healing power in this life-breathing exchange. 

Jim goes on to say that because joy is relational, it is also a contagious experience. Joy is produced when someone is “glad to see me,” which then stirs up a bit of joy in me. And when my joy is returned, there is an increase in the giver’s joy as well. It’s a reciprocal dynamic. 

This experience goes back and forth at amazingly fast rates—six cycles per second in a nonverbal, face-to-face exchange—all the time creating a stronger joy interaction between both people. Isn’t that incredible? In fact, former Abba Project Dad Steve told me this was one of the most powerful things he learned when proofreading my book back in the editing phase. 

So what does this mean for you as a dad with your daughter?  

Here are some important things for you to know: 

1. She is innately wired with the need to be the sparkle in someone’s eyes. 

2. If not yours, she will be drawn to someone, anyone, who will light up upon seeing her. 

3. Your visual delight upon seeing her will deposit worth and value into the core of her being. 

4. If you actively reflect back to her the joy you feel when you look into her eyes, it will build her self-esteem as a gift from you to her. 

I believe that every girl needs to be the sparkle (or the light) in her dad’s eyes. You were the first man who saw her and knew her and embraced her and celebrated her. She will turn less to the counterfeit if she has experienced the real thing with you. 

Let your delight in her be pure and based on who she is as a girl, as a woman, created in the image of God, not based on what she can do or give or how she performs...or what she has done in the past. 

Connect with your daughter today and let her know that you delight in her. (I know the word “delight” isn’t typically a masculine term so feel free to use “enjoy” or “happy” instead. But, on the other hand, you may want to try telling her that she is “a delight to your heart” and see how she responds. I’d love to hear how it goes!).  

And if the two of you are separated by distance (due to her locale being other than where you are) such that she can’t watch you light up when seeing her today, at least she’ll be able to read your words in print via text, email, or letter. Your written words will tide her over until the next time you have your face-to-face interaction.  

Let the non-verbal, life-breathing exchange begin! 

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Michelle's 13 Wishes for Dads

Michelle’s 13 Wishes for Dads

I wish for a world where every daughter will know
her dad loves her completely from head to her toes.  

I long for the day when every dad will inspire
the gifts in his daughter, saying she can go higher.

I want every girl to believe she can do it 
while her dad cheers her on as she learns to intuit.

I dream of a time when all girls have their voice
because dad modeled to them that it's good to have choice. 

I pray for the truth inside each precious daughter
of who she really is to be shaped by her father. 

I believe a dad’s love does more then he knows
to counter the impact of life's cruel blows.

I know a girl thrives with consistent support
from her dad’s heart to hers while each option she sorts.

I plead with you dad to give more and still more
to your daughter’s heart place so to heights she can soar.

I hope beyond hope that no girl ever wonders
if she is worth loving, you must forgive blunders.

I urge you dear dad not to downplay your role
and as proof of your impact, look deep in her soul.

I appeal to you dad as a woman myself
so you know your investment is above earthly wealth.

I beg you right here because now is the time
to fine tune your words so your daughter will shine.

I celebrate knowing that dreams do come true,
your daughter will thrive, but it starts dad with you!

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