Finding Hope When You Just Want Father’s Day to Be Over
Michelle Watson
If this blog title intrigues you, it may be because Father’s Day is one of the hardest days of the year for you. According to research that was commissioned by the National Center for Fathering in cooperation with Gallup polling, the majority of Americans are right there with you. In fact, over half of them agreed with this statement:
“Most adults have unresolved issues with their fathers."
I want to be a catalyst in facilitating healing for those with unresolved father issues so we can be healthier people regardless of the hand we were dealt.
As I’ve pondered what some of your histories could be that make today extra hard, here are some examples that come to mind. Maybe your story has played out in some way like this:
Your father wasn’t in the picture much—or at all—and like the approximately 18.3 million fatherless kids in America, this day reminds you of what you didn’t (or still don’t) have.
Your dad preferred one of your siblings over you, and the result of that favoritism is that you’ve lacked confidence your whole life, never believing you measure up no matter how hard you try.
Your parents divorced and you felt caught in the middle, feeling the pull to ally with your mom because you believed she needed you more… but now you realize what you didn’t get and you’re angry that you lost time with your dad that you’ll never get back.
Your dad remarried after the divorce and chose his new family over you, leaving a hole in your heart that has never really healed no matter how much therapy you’ve done.
Your father was there but not there. He provided for you and came home after work but didn’t really tune into you or communicate that you had value to him.
Your dad has had his own unhealed issues with his father, and though he did the best he could, you keep coming back to the fact that there have been significant deficits in your relationship as a result of his lack of pursuing a closer relationship with you.
You’re a dad yourself and when your kids were born you purposed to be the dad you never had, but your personal choices—i.e. an addiction, affair, career, hobbies, or even ministry—came before them and now you’re reaping the painful consequences of those decisions.
You know God is a loving and good Father, but struggle to really believe it because your earthly father didn’t model those qualities to you.
Your dad has died and you loved him more than your words can convey, and as you see everyone else celebrating their fathers today, your heart aches because you didn’t have enough time with yours.
As discouraging as these examples may be, I share them to validate the wounds that many of you are carrying, wounds that are often unseen and unacknowledged, wounds that are extra tender on this holiday.
Yet let’s not stay there.
Let’s be people who pursue healing and wholeness so we don’t pass the unhealed pain of our past on to the next generation.
As a way to counter heaviness you may be feeling today, I want to share a powerful truth I’ve learned about HOPE.
A couple of years ago I was preparing to speak at a national conference on hope-filled fathering and I was reading studies on the impact of hope in motivating us to action. I was also conducting my own qualitative research on how dads gain or lose hope based on their current relationships with their daughters.
One night I got a download for a way to understand HOPE in a fresh way. Here’s the acrostic that made the concept of HOPE come alive for me:
H—Heavenward
O—Orientation
P—Powers
E—Everything
What this means to me is that even when there’s been relational pain (directed horizontally from human to human), we can find hope by looking through a different lens, a heavenward one (a vertically-directed position). This orientation to connect with our Heavenly Father is the pathway for healing even if our earthly relationships with our dads are still broken.
If Father's Day is really hard for you, rest assured that you’re not alone and there are others who are struggling in similar ways. You can take comfort in knowing that another Father is watching over you, a Dad who has written your name on the palm of His hand (Isaiah 49:16).
I want to leave you with one of my favorite verses. I pray this fills you with HOPE today so that no matter where you’re at on this Father’s Day, you’ll be uplifted and encouraged:
May the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him (this is the key to a heavenward orientation) so you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.
(Romans 15:13)
[You may have read a blog I wrote titled, “How to Survive Father’s Day When You Hate the Day,” but if not, I encourage you to read it here. In it I share a four-step process called HEAL to begin working through your father wounds towards healing and breakthrough. Be encouraged that it’s possible to move to forgiveness, then release and freedom.
And if you need extra support, I offer online coaching and would be happy to walk alongside you on your healing journey.]