9 Ways to Start a Conversation About Romance with Your Daughter on Valentine's Day

Do you remember Valentine’s Day as a kid?

For me it was all about reading the fun messages on those little conversation hearts and eating the whole box in one sitting while figuring out whether to give my favorite Valentine to Steve Dobson or Dave O’Gieblyn.

I remember the class parties we’d have at the end of the school day every February 14th when everyone would finally open up their individually decorated boxes that held the Valentines our classmates had been putting there during the week. I can recall trying to be coy, but secretly hoping that those two boys in particular would give me an extra special Valentine that just might hold some clue as to whether they liked me back.

Yes, in sixth grade, that was as deep as this holiday got for me!

Funny as that is, I’m reflecting now on the fact that even as a pre-teen I was already tuned in to the way that Valentine’s Day had a mysterious, intriguing tone when it came to romance (even if I wasn’t fully aware of it back then!).

Before continuing, I want to assert that not all girls and women are into the romance thing. Some love it and some don’t. Yet in my experience, I would say that the strong majority of females are positively responsive when it comes to the idea of being pursued and romanced.

Let me say it another way as it relates to your daughter: She wants to be treasured by someone, not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day of the year.

So, if this is the longing of her heart, you as her dad have the perfect opportunity this week to let her know that she’s the joy of your life, just like you felt when she was born [even if she’s in a season where she’s more reactive and less responsive].

In light of all this, Dad, here’s your challenge: Use this weekend to spend extra time with your daughter where you invite her to share her thoughts, feelings, longings, and opinions about romance…with you.

And if this kind of conversation isn’t “her thing,” that’s okay. I’ve talked with many dads who have still had lively discussions with their daughters on this topic, even when their girls responded negatively to the way our culture is positioned around this theme.

The important thing is to open up a conversation with your daughter while she gives voice to what’s inside her.

And to set you up for success, here are some questions you can ask her to lead the conversation about romance:

Dad, if you want to download a pdf of of these questions, click here

1. What do you remember it being like as a little girl when you’d see romance in books or movies? What did you like or not like in those stories?

2. It seems that a lot of Disney [or other] movies emphasize romance. As you look back, what are your thoughts about how romance was portrayed?

3. Now that you’re older, do you ever think about lessons you were taught about romance from your favorite books or movies? What were some of those lessons, especially regarding what it takes to be chosen and romanced?

4. What messages about being a girl/woman did you get from books or movies then…or now? Was there ever a message that being beautiful tied to being romanced?

5. Whether it was in fantasy (through books/movies) or real life, what have you seen or learned about the girls/women who don’t get chosen?

6. How do you see yourself when it comes to being romanced? Do you feel positively or negatively about it?

7. If you’re okay sharing it, what are your hopes, dreams, and thoughts about what you want romance to be like for you? Be as honest as you can, even if your wishes seem out of the realm of possibility.

8. Have you ever been romanced in the way you’ve envisioned or hoped it would be? What has meant the most to your heart to make you feel valued and important?

9. If I were to fill up your love tank by making you feel more loved and special, what could I do specifically to make you feel those things now? (Dad, be willing to press in here while encouraging her to be honest so you learn at least one or two specific ways to pursue her heart.)

For extra Dad points: Bring her a box of conversation hearts and tell her that you’re enjoying this conversation about her heart!

So that’s how you can make a forever love deposit into her heart. She talks and you listen.

To Valentine’s Day and beyond!

For a list of more questions to invite your daughter to open up with you, check out my newest book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters https://amzn.to/3fDAhZd

Just Ask the Butterfly

CONGRATULATIONS…You made it through 2020!

And now here we are at the start of this new year, and we're all collectively breathing a sigh of relief because we’ve lived through a year that threw us curve ball after curve ball. Whether it was working from home or doing school remotely while parents stepped in as insta-teachers or our changed plans due to Covid-19 (which I know personally after planning and then re-planning my June wedding), all the way to riots and election crazies.

To sum it up, we’ve all been forced to adjust, flex, adapt, and change. Then we had repeated rounds of being required to adjust, flex, adapt, and change.

In psychology, we use the term “window of tolerance” to describe that optimum zone where we’re at peak performance with just enough manageable stress to energize our performance without pushing us to max capacity where we crash and burn. In 2020, we all clearly were pushed to EXPAND our window of tolerance beyond what we thought we could tolerate.

But as we look back and reflect, I believe we will suffer a great loss if we focus primarily on the fact that we SURVIVED a difficult year rather than looking at specific ways that we THRIVED through it. Perhaps we even grew because of it.

This prompts me to ask you, Dad, these questions:

1. Do you recognize the ways that you have grown this past year? The reality is that your growth is the foundation for your daughter’s growth and for your growing relationship with her.

2. Are you ready to lead your daughter to reflect on this past year to see where she’s grown or are you more apt toward wanting to forget what lies behind while reaching forward to what lies ahead?

The reality is that your growth is the foundation for your daughter’s growth, and your growing relationship with her.

Just ask the butterfly.

The struggle isn’t the bad part if we choose to look through a lens that sees greater horizons ahead that are only possible due to our larger wingspan. And that larger wingspan has only come because we endured through the process of change.

As a father, I know that you don’t want to see your daughter [or any other women who are daughters] suffer. That stance is reasonable and it shows your deep love for her. Of course your heart hurts when hers is hurting. Yet there is real truth to these words by the poet Ralph Waldo Emerson:

“Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.”

Stated another way, here’s how one man described the growth process: “Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.” (James 1:3-5)

So let’s talk about action steps that you can take as a father to lead your daughter to see where she’s grown in 2020.

I suggest that you take her on a date where you open up a reflective conversation. Share your thoughts on what 2020 has been like for you too so that both of you can grow together.

Here’s how you can help her consider specific ways that her wingspan has increased and strengthened this year by asking her:

1. What was the hardest/worst part of 2020?

2. What was the best part of the past year?

3. What was the biggest surprise (good or bad) that you experienced?

4. Is there anything that you thought would be bad, but ended up being good or not as bad as you thought it would be? (ex: altered school activities or school/work schedule, changed plans, different dynamics with friends, etc.)

5. What is one area where you’ve seen yourself grow the most in the last year?

Then end by saying to her:

“Here’s where I’ve seen you and I each grow from being stretched farther than we thought we could be stretched this year….[give specifics]

I’m so proud of you for persevering and not giving up even when it was hard.

As I look at you, I see an incredible butterfly who has broken through the cocoon and now you’re ready to fly higher with more grace than ever before.”

Recognizing your growth in 2020 is the best preparation for the flight to come in 2021!

Are You Ready For a Game-Changing Dad-Daughter Book?

Hey Dads...

I’m so excited to announce that I have a new book being released on August 4th titled, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters. 

My heart motivation behind this book is YOU. And now the best way you can support me is to pre-order your copy today…and share this with your friends! [click here to preorder]

Because I’ve been listening to you as fathers of daughters for the last decade, here’s basically what you’ve told me:

“We want a book that tells us what to do and how to do it so we don’t screw up. It needs to get to the point so we can get it right when it comes to connecting with our daughters.”

You asked. I listened. 

As we all know, it can be a daunting task for dads and daughters to talk about the hard stuff, the deep stuff, the vulnerable stuff, and the complex stuff.  And a lot of dads have told me they prefer to leave some of those heavier topics to mom.

But trust me when I say that your daughter needs YOU to initiate conversations with her---about anything and everything. And even if those interactions are awkward at first, if you stay with it, you’ll see the positive impacts to her…and yourself!

Here’s the bottom line:

When a daughter opens her mouth, her heart opens.
And when a daughter’s heart is open, her dad’s heart automatically opens.

The most effective starting point for building a stronger dad-daughter bond is through TALKING. That’s why I wrote this book. I want to see healthier, closer relationships between dads and daughters so this generation of women is empowered with dad’s support to stand boldly, live confidently, love fiercely, give fully, and care deeply. 

My goal with Let’s Talk is to help you as dads close the communication gap with your daughters by showing you how to listen and build trust with insights and scripted questions that equip you to move from fun get-to-know-you chats to deep discussions that dive into your daughters’ struggles, hurts, fears, and hopes. 

Let’s Talk covers a large array of topics such as personality, future dreams, spirituality, sexuality, body image, depression, anxiety, and suicide, to name a few. With scripts in hand, you’ll be equipped to lead your daughter to:

1. LAUGH. This is a great starting point where you’ll share laughter so she can enhance her own self-discovery while opening up about light-hearted topics.

2. LOVE. By learning to love herself first, out of that overflow she can pour her beautiful affection and real love positively into the world.

3. LOOK. Here she will begin to go deeper by engaging in self-examination regarding her relationships with herself, others, and God/Higher Power. 

4. LAMENT. Your goal here, dad, is to get close enough to hear her heart cries and true longings while making amends for any hurts you’ve caused her. 

5. LISTEN. Now it’s time to flip the script where she will ask you questions about your life while learning to take an interest in your story and expand her skill set as an active listener.

I always say that your daughter didn’t come with a playbook, but I’m going to help you write one. By following this practical, action-oriented book, as a #girldad you will increase your confidence and competence as your focus becomes sharper in knowing how to be the best dialed-in dad you can be to your daughter. 

So let the talking begin!

TRUTH OR DARE: 3 Questions You Might Be Too Afraid To Ask Your Daughter…But Should

I’ve heard it said that men do best when they’re challenged. \

And not just challenged to do something possible, but something BIGGER and HARDER than they could ever imagine doing. 

Case in point: I watched a documentary where men voluntarily attended a week of grueling military boot camp while paying large sums of money to be pushed past their limits. When asked why they did it, their collective responses were always the same: “to prove that we could.”

I had a question come to mind as I witnessed willing and able-bodied men go the distance physically despite harsh conditions that sapped them of their last ounce of energy: Are these guys equally responsive to opportunities to prove they can push past their limits with something potentially more important, that of enthusiastically pursuing and engaging their daughter’s hearts on a daily basis? 

I understand that it’s often confusing, exhausting, and downright frustrating to figure her out as she matures (hence my reason for talking about this as a challenge that pushes you beyond your limits…a lot!). Yet she needs you to hang in there as a fully engaged father throughout her entire lifespan, especially when she’s confusing, exhausting, and downright frustrating. 

So right here, right now, I’m counting on the fact that you as a dad, with this specific challenge, will rise to the occasion---or keep rising to the occasion---to prove your commitment to fatherhood. In response, I offer you both a truth and a dare.

Truth:

Commendable men take the initiative to invest in their kids, accepting challenges even when it means sacrificing their own comfort, needs, and personal agenda.

Dare:

Take your daughter on a date (a scheduled time where just the two of you can talk freely and openly while you invest in her with your time, money, energy, and focus) and ask her three of the most important questions you could ever ask her.

But first you must let her know that you won’t get angry or be hurt (at least in a way that is outwardly expressed to her) in response to what she tells you. Assure her that you want her honest feedback so you can be the best dad you can be to her.

One other thing. If your daughter (or son, should you choose to do this with him too) does better expressing her thoughts and feelings in writing, she may prefer to write her responses to you. Then after reading it, make sure that you talk about it with her on your date. Having the conversation in person may be hard for one or both of you, but it’s really powerful when you add your voice to the mix so she can hear your heart.

Dad, if you’re willing to accept the challenge, then here goes. Here are three questions to ask your daughter…if you dare:

So there it is----three of the most important questions you might ever ask your daughter. 

Prove to yourself today that you are a proactive dad who initiates by starting the daring conversations with your daughter. It can all start by courageously challenging yourself to ask three simple questions.

On your mark, get set…ask!

An Antidote to Social Distancing: How Dads Can Increase Relational Connection With Their Daughters During the Coronavirus Outbreak

Here we all are, together in a way like never before. And not like any of us would have ever expected or chosen this, but now we’re bonding over our shared experiences as the coronavirus has invaded our cities, our nation, and the world. 

The thing that has hit us so hard is how fast it’s happened. All without warning. I talked with a friend last night who said, “Isn’t it crazy to think that none of this was on our radar just two weeks ago?” Absolutely! 

And no matter where we’re living, the stories of impact keep pouring in. Here’s some I’ve heard in the past few days:

• My niece’s wedding this weekend just got cancelled (as did her honeymoon) because her venue closed earlier this week, so now she’s getting married in her parent’s backyard…on a Thursday. Not the dream wedding she had planned, to say the least.

• An 11-year old girl texted me to say, “My school is cancelled for the rest of the year and I’m sad because I’ll never get to graduate elementary school.” 

• Another friend is a senior in high school and now doesn’t think she will graduate with her friends while another wasn’t able to finish out her school year as an athlete because her basketball season ended right before the championship games. 

• I know a couple of women who already lost their jobs and another is wondering if her business will survive due to low financial reserves needed to keep it afloat. 

• Two dads (and a granddad) dropped everything to rescue their college daughters and bring them home after their school year came to an abrupt halt. 

As if these individual stories aren’t enough to capture the intense reality we’re all facing, I just had a profound conversation a few days ago with a friend who is in the middle of a medical crisis that’s led to serious decline in her physical functioning (most likely with a diagnosis of ALS). With raw vulnerability she opened up, “As strange as this may sound, this is the first time I haven’t felt so alone with what I’m going through. I’m increasingly aware of my own mortality and no one has been able to relate to me…until now. Everyone is finally experiencing a little bit of what I’m experiencing every single day.”

Her words hit me hard. She’s right. I rarely think about my mortality. Instead, I start my days with energy and passion, often heading out the door for a run where my lungs enjoy fresh air while I see emerging new life sprouting from the ground, smelling Spring all around me. But in an unexpected way, I now have a little window into her experience.

And I don’t know about you, but as much as I’ve been trying to focus on the positive and the good, as well as on the people I love and the things I’m passionate about (especially investing in dads of daughters), these last couple of weeks have felt different.

The atmosphere and the air feel different now. 

The roads we drive on feel different now.

The stores with bare shelves (specifically with no TP!) feel different now.

We’re all different now. 

For each of us, our new normal is set against a backdrop where, for months, the media focus has been on how divided we are as a country. Yet it seems that this crisis is bringing us together as we suffer and strategize collectively. We’re all acutely aware that if we don’t work together, we’re not going to beat this thing.

And while we’re being forced to face the uncertain, we’re living in a time where the loudest voices have the most impact. I guess it’s always been that way, but I’m especially tuned into what I’m hearing right now. And I keep wondering where the truth tellers are. I keep listening for those who will steer us to look up and believe for miracles despite our fear. 

Dad, this could be your finest hour to be a voice of strength---even the loudest voice ---in your daughter’s life, one that heralds hope and highlights God’s peace, purposes, and promises. If you don’t speak up, then every other voice will outrank yours. 

This is the time to get closer to your daughter. Even if she hasn’t expressed that she’s scared, I assure you that she has some level of anxiety about her future and what this could all mean. Truth be told, part of me is exactly at that place while part of me is grounded and okay. I imagine your daughter is there too. So I speak on behalf of your precious offspring to say that if you get close enough to hear what her heart is saying, she’ll never forget your investment in her. 

She needs you to tune into their fears by coming alongside to affirm, listen, and validate. 

She needs you to show up and dial in to where she’s at, not where you want her to be. 

She needs you to reassure her that you want to be her rock to steady her and comfort her, ultimately leading her to the Rock that is her Ultimate Support.

The good news for you as a dad is that while we’re being instructed to comply with social distancing directives and guidelines, you can actually increase social connection by pursuing closeness with your daughter because you’re family.

If you’re a dad who wants to use this time to bond more with your daughter while creating forever memories that will last long after this crisis is over, here are a few things that will not only help you survive this crisis, but thrive during it:

1. Ask your daughter what she needs from you right now.

   She may need you to listen, play a game, tell jokes, or do a project with her. She may want you to join her for a movie marathon or stay up all night and play Monopoly or Risk. Maybe she’s wanted to remodel her bedroom, but before now there didn’t seem to be time to do it. Join her in what matters to her while making her world safer and happier by asking what she needs each day from you since your presence will stabilize her more than you may realize.

2. Gather around the table as a family to talk about what each of you is thinking and feeling.

   Sadly, for many, mealtimes around the dinner table are a thing of the past. What if this season became a time where family meals were brought back into your home to increase conversation and connection. But make sure ground rules are set in place first: no criticizing or teasing. Then each one will share what they’re thinking about and feeling, followed with what they’re afraid of right now [the unknown, school or schedule changes, sickness or death, etc.]

3. Reflect on ways that you and your daughter connected when she was younger and bring one tradition back this week.

   Think of this as walking down memory lane. You can do this by talking and remembering…or you could get out photo albums to spark your recall. Then bring back one of the things that the two of you used to do when she was younger. My dad and I used to watch Saturday morning cartoons while lying on the living room floor and eating fun breakfast cereal. I would absolutely love it if my dad re-created that memory now and I guarantee your daughter will feel the same with you!

4. No matter her age, initiate or renew a practice of checking in with her before bedtime, ending the day with giving loving and affirming words.

   Studies show that the last thing we talk about, think about, and hear before we go to sleep is often correlated to our dreams and unconscious thoughts during the night. During this break from your normal routine, where you and your daughter are closer together under the same roof, use this time to connect at the end of each day while speaking words of life to calm and ground her in your love.

5. Join your daughter in the kitchen to bake or cook something for yourselves and/or the family.

   With restaurants closing, we’re all being forced to get creative at home with our food choices and meal prep. And like Plato said, “necessity is the mother of invention,” which for now means we’re going to have to figure things out in our own kitchens or we’re going to starve! So why not join your daughter and whip up a meal or a dessert for yourselves or the fam. Get ready for laughter and a great photo op during the process! Then post your pictures on social media with the hashtag: #daddaughterselfie.

6. Every day this week read a Psalm out loud to your daughter. 

   I’ve discovered that sometimes dads don’t know what to do to be a spiritual leader. I’m here to say that just doing one thing will make a significant impact. So right now with everything feeling turned upside down and backwards, what better time to lead your daughter to look up to God. I’ve found particular comfort this week in Psalms 23 and 91. Even if your daughter isn’t a fan of the Bible, she might be more open to spiritual things these days if she’s needing some extra spiritual comfort and strength. 

So there you have it: A few specific ways that you can turn this crisis into the best bonding experience you’ve ever had with your daughter where she’ll glean the rewards of having you near her. 

Be her anchor in this storm so that when she looks back, she’ll remember that you were in the storm with her. This could be more powerful than anything she’ll ever remember about the crisis swirling around her.

Dad, you can be your daughter’s antidote to this current coronavirus outbreak by strategically connecting with her more than ever before. You’ve got this, Dad. On your mark, get set…connect!