Celebrating Your Daughter’s Need to Express Herself Through Her Style

If you’re a dialed-in GirlDad, you’ve discovered that your daughter has her own unique style when it comes to expressing herself with her clothing.

And if you have more than one daughter, you’ve probably also discovered that things get a bit more complicated as they grow up and each one is trying not to look like the other while finding their own individual style. And whether the younger one is not wanting to follow in the footsteps of her older sister or seeking to find her own self-expression, either way, you’ll be wiser as a Dad by entering in and seeking to understand your daughter’s need to express her personality through how she dresses.

I found a great definition of style from fashion designer Rachel Zoe: “Style is a way to say who you are without having to speak.” (This would be a great quote to share with your daughter).

Adding to her definition, I say: Style is essentially an outward expression of who we see ourselves to be, revealed through clothing, hairstyle, hair color, tattoos, piercings, and jewelry, to name a few. And whether or not you agree with your daughter’s style expression, it’s important that you let her speak while you listen with a goal to better understand her.

Many dads have asked me how to guide their daughter through this maze when they disagree with her clothing choices. I know it’s a bigger conversation than what I’m sharing here, but it’s my desire to stand with you as you take a proactive step forward by looking through your daughter’s eyes and seeing her where she is right now.

For now, I encourage you to invite your daughter to join you as you open this conversation about her clothing style. If she doubts your motives or intent, you can show her these questions ahead of time. (For more on this topic, you can refer to a longer list of questions in Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters with “Dad-Daughter Date Questionnaire #18: Questions on Her Clothing Choices”).

Make it your goal to listen without judgment or criticism, which is a key foundational step in bridge-building with your daughter.

If she doesn’t live close or isn’t open to meeting in person, feel free to send these questions to let her know you care. (I’ve attached a pdf here).

Here’s a list of questions to ask your daughter. And the last question is a fun and funny one to engage your daughter in rating your style. Have fun!

1. How would you describe your style? (circle all that fit)

• Playful

• Girly/Feminine

• Boho/Free-spirited/Casual

• Sporty

• Classic

• Earthy/ Hippie

• Artsy

• Retro

• Spicy/Edgy

• Modern/Trendy/Current

• Tomboy

• Goth

• Unconventional

• Other 

2. Is it important for you to have a personal style and look that’s all your own or is it not that big of a deal to you?

3. What words in the list above would you say described your style two years ago? What about five years ago?

4. Do you like your current style? Have you thought about changing it? If you did change it, what new style captures your attention?

5. Are there any celebrities whose style you would say matches yours? What about his or her style do you like?

6. Does style and fashion play a part in the way you connect with your friends…or not?

7. What do you enjoy about having a style that’s all your own? Is there any part of this whole thing that’s ever stressful for you?

8. Now let’s talk about my style as your dad. What words would you use to describe it and do you have any suggestions for how I could update my look? (This one can be really fun and funny if you choose not to be offended by anything she says.)

[One last note: Most men think their style is fine despite input to the contrary from the women in their lives! But if you allow yourself to be open to your daughter’s input about your style, it can create a powerful dad-daughter bonding interaction. Then for “extra dad points,” I encourage you to concede and let her choose one new item for your wardrobe, which will be a gift that keeps on giving because every time you wear it, she’ll remember that you respected her input, adding yet another positive experience to your repertoire!].

This is your time to grow as a dad in asking your daughter questions to better understand her clothing style choices that are her way of making a statement about herself.

5 Things a 98-Year Old Daughter Still Wishes She’d Had from Her Dad

I love my friend Jean. I have no doubt you’d love her if you met her. She’s 98 years old and she’s my mom’s BFF. 

One thing I appreciate about Jean is that she’s a survivor. She’s lived through the Depression and World Wars, as well as the tragic death of a daughter and the loss of her husband, among other things. Honestly, she’s endured more hardship in one lifetime than some of us will ever experience. 

Despite her many heartaches, Jean has an unwavering faith in Jesus and is a model of resiliency and optimism. Without hesitation I can say that she is truly one of the most extraordinary women I’ve ever encountered. Jean has been an example to me of what I want to be like at her age and I value any time I can spend with her because I always leave better than I came. 

Jean could be described as a “hope-filled spiritual energizer bunny” who loves to listen to people and pray for them. And though she has no problem speaking her mind, she has a unique gift of sprinkling every conversation with incredible pearls of wisdom. 

I know I’m not the only one who enjoys time with Jean. Though frail and weak, she doesn’t complain about her aches and pains, and she has a line-up of people---both men and women---who have to get on her weekly schedule just to have time with her because her book gets filled fast!

Speaking of aging, last year I attended a conference where I heard John Mark Comer share these words that have stayed with me ever since:

“Most old people are either one or the other...not much in between. Either other- centered----loving, giving, settled, peaceful, and grateful. Or they are self-centered--- bitter, cynical and negative. But did you know we actually have the potential to grow MORE in our 80’s and 90’s? In the book, The Hidden Life of Trees, it says that older trees grow faster.”

Jean’s life clearly fits the other-centered description. 

Awhile back I asked Jean to share with me five things she wishes her dad had given her. And because I treasure her input and insight, I want to share with you the things she told me. 

     “I was just 16 when my Daddy committed suicide, and until now I’ve not had the opportunity before to express my heart. God’s timing is always perfect! Thank you for requesting the five places in my relationship with my Daddy that I would have liked changed…

     1. Words of affirmation

     2. Time alone with him---to get to know him and his childhood

     3. Physical touch

     4. Being accepted for myself---not for what I did or failed to do

     5. Hear him say out loud—“I love you”

     I am grateful and full of thanksgiving for your ministry with fathers. And now, in obedience to Him helping me, after all these years, this is helping me finally bring about healing and closure to the deep and resentful areas his death caused. It’s been many years ago now that with Christ’s leading and help, I forgave him.

 You are loved and greatly admired, Jean” 

Dad, I don’t know how to say it any clearer than Jean just did. If you want to know what your daughter needs from you, take Jean’s words to heart because your daughter longs for these same things.  

Today I encourage you to take one or two things Jean wishes she’d had from her Daddy, things she never got, and commit to investing in your daughter in those specific ways.

Do it in honor of Jean. 

And if you write to tell me about it after you take action (at drmichelle@thedadwhisperer.com), I’ll share your story with her. It will make her day. 

The Absolute Worst Thing You Could Ever Say to Your Daughter

If this title intrigues you, I’m guessing you’re wired like a lot of dads where you have a fairly good idea of what to say to your daughter, but you’re aware that it’s just as important to know what not to say. 

You’re no doubt reading this because you’re highly invested in making your relationship with your daughter the best it can be. I love that about you and applaud you for being proactive!

We all know that whether intentional or unintentional, once words leave our mouths, they stick; they can’t be taken back. Maybe you can even recall words ---both positive and negative--- that were spoken to you by your dad --or someone else-- that feel as fresh today as when you first heard them. 

Yes, we’re all human and we speak or misspeak things we might later regret. And thankfully we can ask forgiveness and make amends. But still, those imprinted messages last long after they’re spoken. 

So let’s look at this from a positive vantage point where you can add another tool to your fathering toolbox to ensure a higher likelihood of doing it right, saying it right, and getting it right as a #girldad.

Here are the two absolute worst words you could ever say to your daughter: 

“You’re too…”

At first glance, you’re probably thinking this seems insignificant and doesn’t appear to be substantive enough to merit an entire blog.

Yet the reason I’m underscoring the destructive, negative power of these words is that they attack the very core of who God made your daughter to be.

Let me clarify. Here’s how this sentence might sound if it were completed: 

• You’re too fat

• You’re too skinny

• You’re too quiet

• You’re too loud

• You’re too much 

• You’re too immature

• You’re too self-absorbed

• You’re too complicated

• You’re too unpredictable

• You’re too needy

I’m including this last one because I actually heard these words spoken by a dad in a counseling session years ago. I was there with Mom, Dad, and their 19-year old, compliant, gentle, beautiful, yet fragile daughter. We were talking about her recent stint in a 45-day residential eating disorder treatment center for anorexia nervosa. At one point Dad said--with his daughter listening--“she’s always been the most needy of our three kids.” 

My heart was breaking for her and I thought: If this is how Dad is talking about his daughter to me with her listening, what kinds of things is he saying to her in their home? I also wondered if his negative view of her was internalized such that she was now seeking to be invisible and unseen while fading away (which is a hallmark of anorexia). I saw her trying not to have any needs, which included not being in the way, and not being alive.

In time she did heal, thankfully. Yet, her dad harmed her more than helped through much of her process, unfortunately. I don’t want to see another dad make this same mistake.

I could go on, but you get the gist.

The reality is that your daughter might be “too this” or “too that” based on your personality or preferences. But, she’s wired the way she’s wired for a purpose by her Creator. It is your job to help steer, support, steward, and strengthen her gifts.

And Dad, if you do need to address negative behaviors, find a way to say it in a positive way. 

For example, instead of remarking, “you’re too selfish,” try saying, “I’ve seen you give of yourself through the years (give one or two examples) and that is when you’re being your authentic self. Lately I’ve noticed that you’re more focused on yourself and your needs rather than on others. Can we talk about what’s going on inside? I imagine there’s more going on under the surface.”

Dad, always remember that your daughter will internalize your view of her. Make it your goal to:

1. Renew your commitment to never speak words that crush the core of who she is. 

2. Look for opportunities to speak life into the very areas where you perhaps feel overwhelmed or get triggered by her.  

3. Counter reactivity by leaning in and proactively affirming her positive qualities.

4. Find ways to build her up and celebrate her uniqueness.

And these, my friend, are the four absolute best things you could ever say or do to your daughter. Go Dad!

3 Words of Summer Dadvice

With summer upon us, this means your kids are home and you’re trying to navigate their schedules and needs, figuring out how to keep them occupied, seeing where you can fit in a vacation or two, and doing all this while staying the course with your work-life balance. 

Let’s be honest. Is there such thing as “balance” when there are so many competing needs and only 24 hours in a day? I think not! 

So as a way to honor your time while giving you a three-word reminder about a positive stance to take with your daughter this summer, here it is: 

Soften Your Tone

I realize the word soft isn’t the most masculine of terms and yet if you want to see better results in the quality of your relationship with your daughter, trust me when I say it’s worth the work to hone this skill because your interactions will thrive as a result.

You’ve heard me say this before and I’ll say it again: Oftentimes men don’t always realize how intense, loud or harsh their vocal tone actually is. Then in one felt swoop, those forceful words cut like a knife to a daughter’s heart and your relationship suffers.

So this week and this summer, perhaps you can imagine that I’m the positive voice in your ear who is whispering to keep your tone quiet and your voice soft so your daughter sees what it looks like to let gentleness rule. 

If you stay soft, she’ll eventually follow your lead.

Let’s see a culture of healthy men who are completely masculine and fully soft simultaneously. 

Go Dad…and happy Summer!

10 SURPRISING Contributions Dads Make to Their Daughter’s Lives

On this Father’s Day weekend, I can think of no better way to celebrate YOU as a #girldad than to highlight ten of the most significant, perhaps even surprising, contributions that dads make to their daughter’s lives. 

These are ten specific ways your presence matters. 

Whether you’re in a season where you’re closer than ever to your daughter or there’s distance between you, these ten realities underscore that fathers are very important to the health and well-being of their daughters. And though you may not always hear positive words about how important and valuable you are as a dad, today I’m gifting you with words of affirmation!

As you read each of these items, I trust they will inspire you to be even more intentional because the truth is that your daughter will thrive with your positive, life-breathing encouragement in every season. So here we go! 

The overriding themes in research strongly support that daughters who feel connected to their fathers:

1. Do better in school, get better grades, and are more likely to finish high school and attend college.
If your daughter knows you’re in her corner while she’s learning, letting her know you believe in her by giving her grace to fail forward without belittling her when she fails, then cheering her on as she gets back up, she will keep going. Yes, there are always meltdowns along the way, but your consistent support will go far in helping her to achieve her academic goals.

2. Experience greater self-esteem.
You can visibly tell when a girl or woman is internally confident, and she will stand out among her peers. You can see it in the way she carries herself and communicates, negotiates, and interacts. And much of the time these women have solid relationships with their fathers. It’s true that when a dad confirms and affirms his daughter’s worth and value, she will expect nothing less from others…and herself.

3. Are more likely to find steady employment.
This one compliments the last. When a daughter is empowered by the confidence her dad has in her, she carries that inner strength with her wherever she goes. This translates to the workplace, including her work ethic and ability to hold a job with internalized grit and core strength.

4. Report less depression.
If you want your daughter to demonstrate emotional equilibrium, be mindful that you play a big part in helping her grow this skill set. When she sinks emotionally, remember that she needs kindness, understanding, and patience from you through her processing phase. She will grow to appreciate your steady presence until these resources become internalized as her own.

5. Have lower rates of substance use.
Though it can be within normal limits for kids to experiment and push boundaries, I believe when drugs and alcohol are used to numb emotions, decrease anxiety, lower stress, bridge gaps in interpersonal relating and communicating, etc., this becomes a problem. In other words, when substances create “false courage,” for example, and serve as a substitute for developing life skills, healthy development halts. Yet when a dad is there in real time and helps his daughter to process feelings, validates her emotions, calms her anxiety, decreases her stress, and provides true support, there is less draw to inanimate objects to do that work for her.

6. Have less body dissatisfaction and healthier weight.
As much as women may try to be their own cheerleaders, as a whole we tend to look elsewhere for validation and encouragement, especially when it comes to weight and body image. This underscores why a dad plays a significant role in supporting his daughter to see herself in a positive light.

Dad, make sure to never criticize or tease her for her weight, pant size, breast size, etc., even if you think you’re just being funny. Find ways to highlight her positive qualities, such as her eyes, style of dress, hairstyle, character, personality, and on it goes. Your affirmation will stay with her and hopefully be internalized so she can see herself through your eyes.

7. Delay their sexual debut.
Yes, you read this right. Your bond with your daughter is one, if not THE BEST defensive strategy against “oncoming traffic,” if you know what I mean! Simply stated, the more emotionally and relationally connected your daughter feels to you, the less she will be looking for love in all the wrong places, resulting in her decision to delay premarital sex (thus resulting in decreases in teen pregnancy). How’s that for a win-win?!

8. Have healthier relationships with men.
This one doesn’t need much explanation. As you set the foundation in your daughter’s life to relate to you by experiencing secure attachment, she will feel free to use her voice and express herself while enjoying doing life with you. She will then transfer those relational skills to her interactions with the opposite sex.

9. Have significantly less suicide attempts.
When someone knows their life has value, such that those around them wouldn’t know how to go on if they weren’t around, that person often will stay alive for someone else, even when their personal distress seems unbearable at times. Stated otherwise, agape love is true, self-sacrificial, self-giving love, and it lasts the test of time. When real love like this is infused into the soul of another, they will believe their life matters. And when the person validating them is the one who brought them into the world (a.k.a. you), it puts an extra layer of protective coating around their heart and life.

10. Display greater empathy and pro-social behavior compared to kids with uninvolved fathers. More specifically, when a dad is involved in his daughter’s life, she has more of her best self to share with the world and she will be 80% less likely to spend time in jail. Once again, research doesn’t always get to the heart behind the data, but the numbers speak for themselves in revealing that a dad’s involvement and attentiveness to his daughter’s life becomes integrated into the core of her identity, and she will give out of the overflow of that consistent deposit. 

So there you have it: Ten solid, perhaps even SURPRISING factors that show why you as a dad have value to your daughter, even if she’s not aware of it all.

I trust you’re inspired to renew your vision, passion, and commitment to be the best dialed-in dad you can be to your daughter.

I wish you the best Father’s Day ever as this is a day to honor you and celebrate your role as a dad.

Go Dad!