6 BOLD Ideas to BUILD Your Dad-Daughter BOND

With the new school year underway, this is a perfect time for you as a dad to join in adopting a growth mindset to strengthen and build the bond you have with your daughter. This translates to making a commitment over the next nine months of this school year to grow and learn even more when it comes to “studying” your daughter. 

Here are SIX BOLD strategies that will have A BIG impact on your relationship with your daughter this next year:

1. Regularly check in and ask if you've hurt her heart

I love the story of a father in Southern Oregon who asks his five-year old daughter one question every night as he tucks her in bed, "Has daddy been sharp with you today?" Talk about bold and brave! He’s keeping short accounts with his girl while making sure that he’s not allowing wounds to fester. 

What would it take for you to ask that bold question every day of your daughter? 

Preferably in person, but texting or emailing works as an option. This means you're keeping short accounts with her and not letting hurt or resentment build. This means you’re modeling humility and openness when receiving honest feedback. Your lack of defensiveness will yield powerful dividends both now and into the future as you show your daughter that you don't have to be perfect to be in relationship. 

2. Affirm her once a day

I promise you there’s not a day that goes by where your daughter isn’t hurt by someone, somewhere, somehow. It’s just the way it is with girls. And because we as women thrive when our relationships are in harmony, this means when hurts cumulate, they have a toxic, destructive influence. With your daughter, this will undermine her confidence, calling, gifts, perspective, mood, etc.

So imagine the power that one positive, life-breathing, affirming message from you can have. It can turn her whole day around for the better. It’ll only take about one minute of your time to text her. But why not change it up sometimes and tell her in person one positive trait or character quality or beautiful aspect to who she is. And for extra credit, send her a card in your own handwriting (or if she’s still at home, put it somewhere unexpected where she’ll be surprised when she finds it!) to give her something to read and reread. She’ll treasure it on an especially hard day.

3. Listen twice as much as you talk

This is the whole "God gave us two ears and one mouth" thing as a reminder that it's a good rule of thumb to guide the ratio of talking to listening in our relationships…2:1. 

Do you mostly tell your daughter what you think and expect or do you draw her out to find out why she had the reaction she did, what hurts her heart, how she’s processing complex relational dynamics, questions she has that may not make sense to you, etc.? 

I'll be the first to admit that it's REALLY hard work to actively listen (and I do this for a living!). It's so much easier to formulate my opinion, defense or position rather than REALLY hearing first what the other person has to say…in its entirety. 

As a dad, if you take the time to ask your daughter questions like, "What was the best part of your day and why?" and "What was the worst part of your day and why?," and then listen until you think you can't listen any more, your daughter will trust you with the deepest things in her heart because you set the foundation by listening. 

4. Put your money where your mouth is

To state the obvious, it costs a lot to raise a child these days. It seems like every time you turn around, there’s more expenses that bleed you dry and overextend your resources. Am I right or am I right?!

Yet your daughter is growing up in a day and time where she doesn’t have control over the cost of living, the price of gas, tax increases, school and sports fees, and on it goes. 

Although you feel the stress and burden of providing for your family, if you can find creative ways here or there to purchase something over and above for your daughter, she’ll always remember it in years to come.

Jesus knew what he was talking about when he said there’s a strong correlation between your treasures (money) and your heart (which, in this scenario, is your daughter). 

5. Pray daily for who you want your daughter to become

Even if prayer isn’t your thing, I challenge you to take a 3 x 5 card and start with writing three words on it. Write those things you want to see God do in your daughter that will allow her to be a world changer. For example, you could write, “courageous, uncompromising, and confident.”

Then commit to daily asking her Heavenly Father to lock and load these qualities into the fiber of her being so she becomes all of who He made her to be. 

6. Be willing to admit when you're wrong and ask forgiveness

I realize this might sound harsh, but I don't hear enough stories about dads humbling themselves before their daughter's when they've blown it. 

So, what if you consistently took responsibility and admitted when you’ve had a poor response? Then, ask your daughter how you hurt her so she can express herself honestly, followed up with you asking for her to forgive you. 

If you want your daughter to do the same, it has to start with you. And who better to take the first step and be a role model who shows her what kind of man to look for than you!

So there it is: Your six-step plan of action to strengthen and build your dad-daughter bond. Simply put, think of this as your “#girldad curriculum” this next school year. Go Dad!

5 Things a 98-Year Old Daughter Still Wishes She’d Had from Her Dad

I love my friend Jean. I have no doubt you’d love her if you met her. She’s 98 years old and she’s my mom’s BFF. 

One thing I appreciate about Jean is that she’s a survivor. She’s lived through the Depression and World Wars, as well as the tragic death of a daughter and the loss of her husband, among other things. Honestly, she’s endured more hardship in one lifetime than some of us will ever experience. 

Despite her many heartaches, Jean has an unwavering faith in Jesus and is a model of resiliency and optimism. Without hesitation I can say that she is truly one of the most extraordinary women I’ve ever encountered. Jean has been an example to me of what I want to be like at her age and I value any time I can spend with her because I always leave better than I came. 

Jean could be described as a “hope-filled spiritual energizer bunny” who loves to listen to people and pray for them. And though she has no problem speaking her mind, she has a unique gift of sprinkling every conversation with incredible pearls of wisdom. 

I know I’m not the only one who enjoys time with Jean. Though frail and weak, she doesn’t complain about her aches and pains, and she has a line-up of people---both men and women---who have to get on her weekly schedule just to have time with her because her book gets filled fast!

Speaking of aging, last year I attended a conference where I heard John Mark Comer share these words that have stayed with me ever since:

“Most old people are either one or the other...not much in between. Either other- centered----loving, giving, settled, peaceful, and grateful. Or they are self-centered--- bitter, cynical and negative. But did you know we actually have the potential to grow MORE in our 80’s and 90’s? In the book, The Hidden Life of Trees, it says that older trees grow faster.”

Jean’s life clearly fits the other-centered description. 

Awhile back I asked Jean to share with me five things she wishes her dad had given her. And because I treasure her input and insight, I want to share with you the things she told me. 

     “I was just 16 when my Daddy committed suicide, and until now I’ve not had the opportunity before to express my heart. God’s timing is always perfect! Thank you for requesting the five places in my relationship with my Daddy that I would have liked changed…

     1. Words of affirmation

     2. Time alone with him---to get to know him and his childhood

     3. Physical touch

     4. Being accepted for myself---not for what I did or failed to do

     5. Hear him say out loud—“I love you”

     I am grateful and full of thanksgiving for your ministry with fathers. And now, in obedience to Him helping me, after all these years, this is helping me finally bring about healing and closure to the deep and resentful areas his death caused. It’s been many years ago now that with Christ’s leading and help, I forgave him.

 You are loved and greatly admired, Jean” 

Dad, I don’t know how to say it any clearer than Jean just did. If you want to know what your daughter needs from you, take Jean’s words to heart because your daughter longs for these same things.  

Today I encourage you to take one or two things Jean wishes she’d had from her Daddy, things she never got, and commit to investing in your daughter in those specific ways.

Do it in honor of Jean. 

And if you write to tell me about it after you take action (at drmichelle@thedadwhisperer.com), I’ll share your story with her. It will make her day. 

My Three Insider Venusian Trade Secrets for #GirlDads

For some of you younger dads, today’s title is a reference point from the last century!

By “Venusian,” I’m referring to Dr. John Gray’s concept in his book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. I consider myself bilingual after 13 years of traveling from my planet of Venus to your planet of Mars, and today I’m here to help you decode your daughter with a bit more precision.

Here are my three “Venusian trade secrets” so you can better understand your daughter:

1. When she opens her mouth, her heart opens.
We women don’t even have to think about it; it just happens. But it doesn’t stop there. When a daughter’s heart opens, her dad’s heart automatically opens. You, dads, don’t even have to think about it; it just happens.

This full-circle, interactive dynamic means that if you capitalize on engaging your daughter in conversations, not only will she open up to you more, but your bond will be stronger.

2. She figures things out by talking.
The key word in this sentence is ‘out.’ Because we as women have so much swirling around in our brains 24/7, sometimes it feels like we’re on a hamster wheel in our heads where we’re running fast but not getting anywhere (a.k.a. this is called looping). When we talk things out and get them out by verbalizing what’s going on inside, it helps “open the cage” so we get off the wheel.

When you’re a safe sounding board, allowing your daughter to process verbally and emotionally without rushing her or requiring that she make sense to you, you give her a gift in holding her intensity without trying to problem solve. By providing her this outlet, she will de-escalate, begin to calm down, and feel better.

3. She wants a closer relationship with you.
In my 44 years of mentoring women and 27 years of clinical counseling, no girl or woman has ever said to me, “Dr. Michelle, I’m way too bonded to my dad and we’re just too close.” Instead, as their tears flow, I’ve often heard stories of heartbreak over feeling distant from or hurt by their dads.

This tells me that women want a better relationship with their fathers. And it’s up to you, Dad, to lead the way in letting her know you want that too.

This also tells me there’s a dire need for fathers to have a clear road map for journeying to the epicenter of their daughters’ hearts, coupled with learning how to engage them and lead conversations so their daughters can find and use their voices.

If you want to take action today to be a proactive dad who helps your daughter thrive, here are two places to start:

Action Steps:
1. Ask your daughter what you can do to be a better dad to her.
Text, call, or ask her in person. Do it today. Let her know she can say anything and you’ll do your best to meet her at the point of her need.

2. Buy a copy of Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters and use it for your monthly dad-daughter date where she chooses the topic and you ask the questions.
I wrote this book based on feedback from dads like you who asked for scripts to help them succeed in interacting with their girls. This book will become your playbook as you lead conversations with intention and purpose.

Whether you’re in a solid place with your daughter or want to be closer, you’ll find it helpful in strategically pursuing her heart.

Go Dads!

Why We’re Desperate for Good Dads (and How to Be One) - Guest Blog by Bo Stern-Brady

Bo Stern-Brady is one of my dearest friends whom I deeply love, respect and admire. I’m honored to have her writing this guest blog today where she speaks from her heart to yours about why fathers matter. Enjoy! 
- Michelle

I recently talked to a woman who has been estranged from her father for many years. Her totally healthy father.

She wasn’t abused or yelled at. She just wasn’t much seen at all.

The story of her dad’s parenting could almost be told in one sentence, “He did nothing particularly bad and nothing significantly good.”

He tried to add a daughter into his life without stepping into hers.

He missed a chance to build and encourage her. Actually, he missed a million chances. Daily chances. And he missed nearly every opportunity to protect her from boys who also wanted to make her an accessory to their lives, but not a prize.

Similar stories are everywhere.

I know that dads are a popular scapegoat, and I’m not looking to castigate them here. But I will say: I believe the dad/daughter relationship is one of the most important and foundational elements to our well-being as women.

Our dads have the ability to teach without words.

Regardless of their educational background, vocational success or communication techniques, they constantly teach us (maybe more than anyone) about our own worth as women.

They teach us about beauty and how men view it.

They teach us about body image and sexuality and marriage and safety and commitment.

It’s ironic that men – who I think feel WAY in over their heads communicating to women – are holding so many of the cards when it comes to their daughters.

Today, I’m grateful for two things:

1. I’m so thankful for the good guys and the way they father their girls. (This includes my first husband who is now in heaven, and my current husband who is a boots-on-the-ground, do-what-you-say, stick-to-your-word kind of man and father).

2. Men who are willing to do the hard work of becoming better dads, which includes reading Michelle’s books. Because she writes in a way that men will enjoy, you will see that she does not take cheap shots or ridicule or condescend. She respects men and the role they fill and her writing proves it.

If you are a dad---or know a dad---struggling to connect with his daughter, you can learn on the job if you’re willing. For starters, grab her most recent book. You won’t be sorry. Not ever.

With hope, Bo

Dads, Dudes, and Duds

In celebration of all things Valentine’s Day (which is only four days away, incidentally!), there’s no better time than the present to talk about your daughter’s heart strings and the way those strings can be played.

And because you were once a teenage boy, and later a young adult man, you know how guys think who are your daughter’s age. More significantly, you really know what their motives, strategies, and end game looks like.

Today’s blog is designed to help strengthen your resolve to connect with your daughter’s heart at all costs so she’s not vulnerable to the games of the dudes and the duds. At the end of the day, you and I have the same goal: for your daughter to always know she’s a daddy’s girl who is loved, safe, secure and celebrated!

After all, you want what’s best for her….not what’s best for you. And that’s 180 degrees opposite from the guy who wants to win her affection so he has another notch in his belt.

First, a little history. 

I was the daughter who gave my parents quite a few of their grey hairs. And yes, it happened over a guy. I dated him for a little over two years and not surprisingly, the whole thing drove a bit of a wedge in my relationship with my parents.

The more my parents said they didn’t like him, the more the two of us bonded. I think I was a bit warped after seeing the movie Grease right after I graduated from high school in 1978. For whatever reason, that movie stayed with me. So a decade later when this guy and I dated, I figured we were like Danny and Sandy who were destined to be together against all odds. 

What I wouldn't give now for a do-over. 

But this does inspire me to address the topic that many dads have asked me to address:

What do you do when your daughter chooses a guy you think is a dude or a dud (a.k.a., a loser)?

The truth is that I’ve seen many parents alienate their daughter when she’s dating a guy who is not their choice. Clearly the age of the girl plays a part here, but as a general rule, she is going to have to decide what kind of guy is right for her. And she will do it with or without your help.

I know it’s hard to see beyond the current struggle, but when it’s not a clear-cut issue (unless he’s abusive or involved in illegal or unethical practices), a key question for you to ask yourself is:

What do I want my forever relationship with her to look like, long past the present situation? 

I’m not saying that she doesn’t need your input, because if you say nothing then she doesn’t have your perspective or insight. But if you only criticize and put down her boyfriend, she will run to him because she’ll say, “he understands and ‘gets me’ and gives me space to be me.” 

She will interpret anything negative you say about him as an attack on her because she hears you saying that she has bad taste and can’t choose well. This is when a girl gets better at hiding what she’s doing with him if her own heart isn’t convinced he’s not good for her. 

So Dad, here are a few practical questions for you to consider: 

Dad: Do you talk at her, telling her what you don’t like about him?
Dude: Does he listen to her and side with her?
Do the math: Who will she choose to spend time with? 

Dad: Do you pull back out of disgust, anger, or disappointment?
Dude: Does he move toward her, embracing her, holding her?
Do the math: Who will she choose to spend time with? 

Dad: Do you put walls up in your interactions with her to protect your hurting heart over her choice with this guy?
Dude: Does he provide emotional support to lift her up and encourage her while she’s processing hurt and sadness from you?
Do the math: Who will she choose to spend time with? 

If I had one piece of advice to give you dads if your daughter is dating a guy you don’t like, it would be: 

Let your actions speak louder than your words.

Words are key, but keep them few. Use your words wisely and sparingly. But do use words. (Silence is not an option.)

I do have another piece of advice:

Treat her the way you want a guy to treat her and don’t back away.

Because more is caught than taught, be the kind of man you want her to marry. As she experiences real love from you, it will provide a good template for comparison. 

Here are a few questions you can ask her to open up a dialogue as you help her learn how to think, not just what to think:

• Tell me what you like/love about him? (This way you start with something positive) 

• What does he like/love about you? 

• How does he let you know he enjoys you? 

• What do you laugh about when you’re together? 

• Tell me about his family. What is his relationship like with his mother/father/ siblings? 

• What does he want to be when he “grows up”?(She may get defensive with these next ones so be careful to watch your tone so that you aren’t asking with an air of judgment) 

• How free are you to use your voice with him? (Saying “yes” and “no”, sharing opinions, preferences, etc.) 

• Do you have any concerns about him as a person? (His present/past) 

• If there was something about him you could change, what would it be? 

• Where do your spiritual beliefs match up and where do they differ? 

• What degree or educational goals does he have? 

• What career aspirations does he have? 

• How do you both navigate conflict when you disagree or differ in your opinions or choices? 

These are heavy questions, which is why, depending on where your relationship is with your daughter, you may be able to ask only one or two of them at a time. Yet these questions will give you a template to work from over time in order to draw her out. 

And if your daughter is in a relationship that currently breaks your heart, I encourage you to write out (yes, literally write out) a list of specific prayer requests. Watch God work as you use your voice to advocate on your daughter’s behalf with Father God. 

And last, I leave you with a question to ponder by asking yourself: How can I maintain a quality relationship with my daughter even if I don’t like the choice she is making with this guy?

Continue to be the dad who outshines the dude and the dud so you can be the dad who never varies in his love for his daughter.