Your Pen-to-Paper Valentine's Day Challenge (This will be your daughter’s favorite Valentine’s Day gift EVER!)

One of the greatest gifts you can give your daughter is to affirm her through writing. And in a world where handwritten communication is less common and most often casual (texts, emails, social media, tweets), a letter in your own handwriting stands out. That’s why I’m challenging you to put your pen to paper this year to give your daughter a Valentine’s Day gift she’ll love.

I’ll never forget when dad Dennis surprisingly noticed that his thirteen-year-old daughter Olivia not only kept the letter he wrote her, but placed it on top of her desk for her friends to see. He completely expected her to be embarrassed by his card and hide it, especially from her peers. So, as you can imagine, his heart melted when he saw the positive impact his written words had made.

The power of putting your thoughts, feelings, dreams, truth, and love for your daughter into written form is that she can read and reread it. She will treasure the things you write to her now and for years to come.

How do I know this? Because I, and many other girls, have saved our dad’s notes.

I’ll tell you a story to bring this to light. My dad started a tradition a number of years ago where he creates a one-of-a-kind birthday card and includes pictures from that year to highlight things he’s noticed and remembered. I’ve saved every one!

And even if you’re not artistic or creative, just the fact that you’ve noticed things about your daughter and then bring to light the unique things about her, things you find adorable, enjoyable, and memorable, it provides a pathway to her heart that will be a treasure to her forever.

Whether you’re a dad who has already begun this practice or a tentative newbie, I’d love to give you a few ideas to support your pen-to-paper Valentines challenge.

Here are a few dad-to-daughter letter-writing ideas to add to your repertoire:

• What was one of the first things you remember about her when she was born and you looked at her for the first time?

• What beauty did you see in her then and what beautiful features do you see in her now? (Girls love hearing about their eyes, smile, and the unique features that you see as beautiful)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• What strengths do you believe she has, both in terms of skill and in her person (her character, personality)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• Tell her specific reasons you’re proud of her

• Write about what obstacles you have seen her overcome—emphasize such qualities as courage, resilience, strength, commitment, endurance, power

• Write about dreams you have for her future, whether in the form of your wishes for her or things you pray about for her—do this without preaching or lecturing, only encourage

• Tell her what it means to you to spend time with her

• Communicate why you love being her dad in this season of her life (add current things about her age right now that you’re aware of and highlight them as positive)

• Let her know that you will always be there for her, telling her what it means to you to be her dad

If writing is not your thing, still do it (I know…I’m being a tough teacher right now). I promise that your daughter will thrive in direct proportion to the words you speak (verbal and written) into her life.

And the more you hone your writing skills, the easier it will become.

On your mark, get set, write!

3 Words of Summer Dadvice

With summer upon us, this means your kids are home and you’re trying to navigate their schedules and needs, figuring out how to keep them occupied, seeing where you can fit in a vacation or two, and doing all this while staying the course with your work-life balance. 

Let’s be honest. Is there such thing as “balance” when there are so many competing needs and only 24 hours in a day? I think not! 

So as a way to honor your time while giving you a three-word reminder about a positive stance to take with your daughter this summer, here it is: 

Soften Your Tone

I realize the word soft isn’t the most masculine of terms and yet if you want to see better results in the quality of your relationship with your daughter, trust me when I say it’s worth the work to hone this skill because your interactions will thrive as a result.

You’ve heard me say this before and I’ll say it again: Oftentimes men don’t always realize how intense, loud or harsh their vocal tone actually is. Then in one felt swoop, those forceful words cut like a knife to a daughter’s heart and your relationship suffers.

So this week and this summer, perhaps you can imagine that I’m the positive voice in your ear who is whispering to keep your tone quiet and your voice soft so your daughter sees what it looks like to let gentleness rule. 

If you stay soft, she’ll eventually follow your lead.

Let’s see a culture of healthy men who are completely masculine and fully soft simultaneously. 

Go Dad…and happy Summer!

20 Do's and Don'ts for Dads to Succeed In Having "The Sex Talk" with Their Daughter [Part 2]

Welcome back to the second half of this blog series on a topic that is important to address yet can easily scare some dads away. You’re here because you’re open to figuring out the best way to have ‘the sex talk’ with your daughter.

And if you’re tuning in for this second installment, I applaud you and affirm that you’re already rare among men for courageously being willing to speak into your daughter’s life. Whoo hoo!

Let me briefly review part one:

• If you don’t talk about sex with your daughter then every other voice but yours will have impact and influence.

• You don’t have to have the perfect conversation…but you do need to have some conversation with her about sex.

• Girls/women delay engaging in sexual activity as a result of feeling connected to their dads, which underscores why this vital conversation will bond the two of you. 

These were the first ten skills I presented from my list of 20 Do’s and Don’ts that will lead to a higher likelihood of success in talking with your daughter about sex:

1. Don’t talk more than you listen. 

2. Do take a breath, say a prayer, and muster your courage. 

3. Don’t assume you’ll agree on everything.

4. Do choose to talk about it, whether or not it’s awkward.

5. Don’t defer and presume that someone else will cover this topic.

6. Do come with a goal to open this conversation, not win it. 

7. Don’t stop midway through…no matter how hard it is and how she responds. 

8. Do practice what you preach.

9. Don’t preach what you don’t practice. 

10. Do lead with vulnerability.

Now here are the next ten skills I recommend that will lead you in successfully discussing sex with your daughter:

11. Don’t smash the Oreo. Oreos serve as a metaphor of a powerful way to communicate. Just like they have two cookies holding the “stuff” in the middle, Oreo Cookie Communication begins and ends with positives while filling the middle of the conversation with the harder “stuff.” When you share why you love her and are proud of her, it surrounds the harder part of the interaction, making the whole thing easier to swallow.

12. Do ask questions that invite her to think through her sexual choices and boundaries. We as women figure things out by talking. So the more we hear ourselves speak out the things we hold inside our minds and hearts (that oftentimes we don’t know we’re holding), the clearer we are. As you ask strategic questions, you give your daughter a gift in providing a way for her to clarify her position on this subject.

13. Don’t force her to embrace your beliefs. She will continue to form her own opinions on sex with or without you. If you share your concerns and hopes for her, coupled with respect for her thoughts, opinions, and beliefs, she will be more open to hear the things you share.

14. Do let her see your softer emotions. It’s easy to have the emotion of anger take center stage while “softer” emotions, like fear or sadness, are then forced to step back or hide. Innumerable daughters have told me they hate disappointing their dads, which leads me to say that when you’re vulnerable and let your daughter hear you speak from your heart, you’ll bond more and see greater relational gains. As you share what you’re afraid of for her or what brings up sadness in you, she’ll most likely connect with those same emotions in herself. 

15. Don’t react negatively when she opens up with you. This may be a hard one as you think about experiencing a strong reaction to what she tells you. If you immediately react with negativity by what you say, ask or emote, it will shut her down. This is why you must choose to stay steady throughout the conversation. Lean into God as a Father who holds you up, and ask Him for the grace to express all the fruits of the Spirit as you listen---love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.

16. Do wait until she’s ready to hear about your beliefs and convictions. We live in a cancel culture that dismisses and vehemently opposes those who disagree or believe differently than ourselves. What a tragedy to have lost our ability to honor differences. As you and your daughter discuss sex, ask her if or when she is open to hearing your beliefs. If you’re someone who adheres to biblical values on sex (which means waiting until you’re married to have sex), you can be honest without criticizing her choices or beliefs. Let this be a time to activate kindness culture in your family, starting with the two of you. In doing so, you’re modeling that there are men who live by their values.

17. Don’t skip this conversation if she’s already sexually active. You might be thinking that if she’s already had sex, there’s no point in opening up this “can of worms.” Instead, here’s what I want you to consider: By talking this out with you, she may change her stance going forward as she processes her past experiences and then gains more insight that she can apply to future relationships. And who better to lead her than you?

18. Do treat her with the respect she deserves. If your daughter has already had sex, there’s a high likelihood that her sexual experiences haven’t all been positive. She may feel used after a one night stand or like she’s just one in a long line-up of women who believed his promises but now are cast aside. This is why you want to model being the guy who is steady as you truly love and care about her heart…no strings attached.

19. Don’t think of this as a one-and-done conversation. Because your daughter is always maturing and growing and changing, so will her beliefs and choices, thoughts and convictions…on everything, including sex. I encourage you to make this an annual topic of conversation. Lead by initiating dialogue in an ongoing way throughout her lifespan. Let her know you value hearing her thoughts…and about her process in formulating those thoughts.

20. Do end by telling her three things you admire and appreciate about her. It’s always a profound point of connection when someone gives praise and encouragement. Let’s face it: We all love hearing positive words of affirmation that fill our love buckets and breathe life into our weary souls. And when those words of life come from our dad, they’re saved in a deep heart place that can be drawn from long after they’re spoken. 

There you have it, Dad: Twenty specific areas of focus to set your relational GPS in talking with your daughter about sex. 

If you’re ready to take action in having ‘the sex talk,’ I’ve got just what you need. Here’s the script to lead you as you initiate this delicate yet critical conversation with your daughter. Let’s do this…together!

20 Do’s and Don’ts for Dads to Succeed in Having ‘The Sex Talk’ with Their Daughters [Part 1]

If you’re still reading, it means the title of this blog hasn’t scared you away. Well done!

And because this is a weighty subject, I’m breaking things up into two parts. You’ll get half the list today and half next time [in two weeks]---plus your dad-daughter date questions---to guide you in opening a conversation with her about sex.

That said, here we go!

If you’re like a lot of dads I’ve walked alongside on their fathering journey, you may be tapping into fear and dread as you think about having “the sex talk” with your daughter. Maybe you’re avoiding the subject altogether or choosing to sidestep a potentially unpleasant reaction.

But if you don’t talk about sex with your daughter, then every other voice but yours will have impact and influence. You have to weigh in. 

And you don’t have to have the perfect conversation…but you do need to have some conversation [which is why I have a template for you to follow attached at the bottom of this email].

I acknowledge that many women say it’s their decision whether to have sex before marriage because it’s their body and their choice. They further assert that what they do behind closed doors needs to remain private, especially from their dad.

That said, with research confirming that girls delay engaging in sexual activity as a result of feeling connected to their dads, it’s imperative that you open up this conversation with your daughter because your opinion matters, even if she’s not fully aware that it does. Let her know you’re willing to dive into the deep end, even if it’s challenging.

Here are my suggestions---a.k.a. 20 Do’s and Don’ts that will lead to a higher likelihood of success in talking with your daughter about sex:

1. Don’t talk more than you listen. Set your goal here at the start to listen at least twice as much as you talk---a.k.a. two ears, one mouth. The best way to do that is to ask great questions that allow her to express herself. I highly recommend that you use the template I’m providing here [see below] to help you phrase your questions in ways that allow her to reveal more of what she’s carrying inside (as opposed to hearing a lecture from you).

2. Do take a breath, say a prayer, and muster your courage. I’m guessing you did these three things before every game you played in sports. Think back to how many times you felt overwhelmed, yet you stepped forward despite your fears. Use that same mindset here by first grounding yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, then step forward despite your fear. That, my friend, is the definition of courage. 

3. Don’t assume you’ll agree on everything. This is a complex and complicated topic, which requires that you lead by example so the atmosphere is open, honoring, and non-hostile as each of you interact.

4. Do choose to talk about it, whether or not it’s awkward. It’s okay if this is an uncomfortable topic and both of you squirm. The important thing is that your daughter will hear your heart and you will hear hers.

5. Don’t defer and presume that someone else will cover this topic. Too often dads tell me they hope someone else will address sex with their daughters because it seems like they’re all more qualified. Not true (as noted in the research above). Make a choice today not to defer to her mom or some other mentor in her life. You’re her dad. This one is on you.

6. Do come with a goal to open this conversation, not win it. Like my friend Steve Pringle always asks himself in relating to his daughter: Is my goal to win the argument or win her heart? He always chooses the latter. This helps him calibrate his expectations while making sure he’s communicated those goals to his mouth! 

7. Don’t stop midway through…no matter how hard it is and how she responds. If things get heated or feel strange, talk about something else for a few minutes. Sometimes it helps to change your environment by going for a walk and talking shoulder-to shoulder rather than face to face. Go for a walk and talk shoulder-to shoulder rather than face to face. Then pick up the conversation where you left off as you move forward.

8. Do practice what you preach. Think of this as an opportunity to show your daughter what a good man looks like in action by the way you interact with her. It’s easy to say you want her to be with a guy who listens to her and honors her. There’s no better way to teach your daughter how to use her voice with the opposite sex than to practice with you. Even more, if she can speak confidently with you about a hard subject like this, she’ll carry that confidence into the world.

9. Don’t preach what you don’t practice. This might be hard to hear, but I have a question for you: What age were you when you first had sex? Were you a guy who waited or were you a player? If you want your daughter to wait to have sex until she gets married, you may want to give her some context for what you’re advising. Tell her what you learned the hard way (in an age appropriate way, of course) or what you wish you would have known then that you know now.

10. Do lead with vulnerability. This goes hand in hand with the last one. So often dads expect things of their daughters (and the guys they date) that have a historical base in their own story. Perhaps you’re recalling poor choices you’ve made or regrets you have. And yes, you are speaking with wisdom now, but without more context, your daughter may say you’re out of touch with her current reality. Tell more of your backstory. (You can use specific templates on this topic in my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters in the section titled, Lead Her to Listen).

There you have it, Dad: Ten of your twenty specific areas of focus to set your relational GPS in talking with your daughter about sex. 

In the next two weeks---between part one and part two of this blog series---I encourage you to begin practicing these ten skills here. They will set the foundation for your upcoming conversation with your daughter that lets her know she is safe to open up to you. 

Go Dads!

Click here for the template to guide you through this conversation with your daughter. 

Understanding Your Mysterious Daughter

So often hear fathers tell me that their daughters are complicated, complex, confusing, and unpredictable. The mysterious nature of a young daughter’s tantrum, a teenage attitude, or an adult’s cold shoulder spooks fathers everywhere into frustration in their relationships. However, I have discovered that we girls are not as hard to understand as we may seem!

Today’s decoding strategy comes straight from the one Man in all of history who always got it right when it came to relationships. You may know who I’m talking about: Jesus. I figure there’s no better example than learning from the best!

During His time on earth he met two sisters, Martha and Mary, and they were close, personal friends of Jesus. He knew them and they knew him. For better or worse. Let’s pick up the story (from Luke 10:38-42 if you want to look it up later) where Martha is overly reactive, super stressed, and basically freaking out.

If you can relate to experiencing any of those realities in your home, listen to what Jesus (with his male energy) did to enter the fray with his frazzled female friend.

Here are the 5 “easy” steps to decoding and relating to your daughter, especially during those times when things are emotionally intense.

1. He lets her vent to Him while He listens to all of it.
Even when she dramatically tells Jesus that he “doesn’t care” (false assumptions always take place during meltdowns) she continues by crying about having to do everything “by myself.” And if that wasn’t enough, she then barks at Jesus and demands that he tell her sister to help her. Surprisingly, he doesn’t lecture but listens and essentially absorbs her intensity by being her sounding board.

2. He says her name twice…gently and lovingly.
There’s something calming when any of us hear our name. And for us girls, it’s grounding for us to be spoken to by name. If you speak your daughter’s name with love in your tone and in a gentle way, she will come towards you---maybe not right away, but it is a powerful, healing strategy that works.

3. He sits with her in her emotional reality.
Notice that he doesn’t try and talk her out of what she’s feeling or try to get her to think rationally. No lecture. No criticism. Jesus knows that she couldn’t hear it anyway while being so worked up. So, he simply stays with her, looks at her, validates her, and puts words to what she’s feeling, calling it “worry” and “upset.” He tenderly names her emotions. No judgment.

4. He highlights all that is on her life plate.
As girls we are wired to multi-task. That’s why we can talk on the phone, paint our nails, watch a show, and do homework…all at the same time! Yet all of a sudden, we reach the end of our rope and implode. Again, this is where we need gentle grace not power positions. Jesus just told Martha that he knew she had “many things” going on, leading to her melt down. How kind of him to notice. If you validate all that is pressing in on your daughter, your words will go long and far to make her feel heard and understood.

5. He directs her to focus on one thing.
Jesus tells her that “only one thing is needed.” The implication is that it’s about focusing on Him as the one thing rather than all the needs around her. When we girls get overwhelmed with the much, we need gentle, supportive guidance to take it one thing at a time. Breaking it down into bite size pieces is immensely helpful when we’re breaking down.

Summing up: When your daughter is melting down sit alongside her and listen to her vent. Move towards her, and lovingly say her name. Tell her that you understand that she is “worried and upset.” Let her know you do see that she has a lot on her plate, and assist in helping her to focus on one issue.

I know it’s easier said than done, but these 5 things will make all the difference in the eye of the storm when you are there trying to keep up with her complexity. And after the storm has passed, the main thing your daughter will remember is that you Dad were there in it with her.