25 Things To ALWAYS, AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE Say To Your Daughter

My last blog two weeks ago may have felt a bit brutal with me giving you 25 things to never, ever, under any circumstances say to your daughter. 

I couldn’t leave you hanging without a guide to lead you back to center court. So, in a similar fashion that uses as few words as possible and is straight forward and to the point, here are 25 things to always, under all circumstances, and as much as possible say to your daughter if you want to be a dialed-in dad.

Here’s a list of what TO say to your daughter:

• What did I ever do to deserve such an incredible daughter like you?!

• Do you know how grateful I am to be your dad?!

• You look so beautiful today

• You get prettier with each passing year

• You’re right, I don’t understand you right now but I want to understand. Can you help me understand?

• I’ll be here for you no matter what. Any time, day or night, I will do my best to be available. You can text or call me when I’m at work or out of town and I’ll figure out a way to respond as soon as I can

• I want you to know that I enjoy you

• You are going to make a great wife and mother some day (if you choose that)

• I’ve seen so much growth in you (list specifics)

• Tell me what you’re learning in school (or work)…I’d love to hear

• What was good about your day today?

• What was hard about your day today?

• God broke the mold when He made you! You are one of a kind!

• You are completely unique and gifted (list specifics)

• I love you just the way you are

• You could never disappointment me no matter what you do or don’t do because I love you unconditionally

• What a treasure you are. Any guy who gets to date you (or eventually marry you) is a very lucky man

• In my eyes, you are the best of the best

• I am so proud of you

• I like who you are

• I love you

• You are amazing!

• I look forward to our dates where we get to spend time together, you and me

• I’m sorry…will you forgive me?

• I want you to know that no matter what, I will always be your main man.

In order to really dial in to your daughter’s heart space it’s going to require hard work and intention. And we all know that nothing worthwhile and valuable is ever easy. Hard work is required in business and this is all about bringing your best work ethic home.

Remember that your view of her, the one that is communicated from your mouth to her ears, is paramount to the view she carries now and will carry about herself throughout her life. 

I encourage you today to carry this list in your pocket or on your phone and then choose to say one of these things daily to your daughter over the course of the next month. 

Watch what happens in her as a result. Write and tell me about what takes place in her…and in you. 

(You can reach me at michelle@theabbaproject.com)

25 Things to Never, Ever, Under Any Circumstance Say to Your Daughter

I’ve had the privilege over the last ten years of fine-tuning my understanding of men through The Abba Project (If you’re new to the conversation, this is the group I lead in Portland, OR for dads with daughters in their teens and 20’s).  

As a result, I believe I’ve grown to understand and appreciate where you as dads are coming from. The truth is that I really enjoy hearing honestly from fathers about what it’s like to be in your shoes, especially as fathers to daughters.

Through my conversations, what I hear repeatedly from men is one of two responses:

1. Tell it to me straight with as few words as possible (a.k.a. get to the point!)

2. Tell me what to do to fix it.

In an attempt to prove that I, as a woman, can speak in a way that is straightforward with minimal verbiage, here is my bullet point list of some exact, specific things that you as a dad should never, ever, under any circumstance stay to your daughter. EVER.

Why? Because what you say will echo in her head and heart for all eternity and she will never forget what you say, what you believe about her, what you see when you look at her, and what you tell her is true about her. (And sadly, I’ve heard many of these examples in real life).

So with as few words as possible, here’s a list of what NOT to say to your daughter:

• You are one high maintenance girl

• You have always been the most needy of all our kids

• Why do you always make mountains out of molehills?

• You look like you've gained weight

• (never give her a nickname that emphasizes her size)

• You got yourself into this mess so don’t come running to me…

• you have no one to blame but yourself

• Stop crying…You’re being a big baby

• Do you know how utterly ridiculous and nonsensical you sound right now?

• Pull yourself together and when you can talk rationally and clearly, then come talk to me

• Go talk to your mother…She’ll understand you.

• I gave up trying with you a long time ago

• How on earth do you ever expect a man to want to be with you when you act like this?

• You are wearing me out…I don’t know how much more of you I can take

• You drive me crazy

• When are you ever going to start acting your age?

• You are a spoiled brat

• I have no idea how you have any friends with the way you act…the real you comes out at home

• You are a selfish b#%*…can’t you ever think of anyone but yourself?

• In my house you will act the way I tell you to act

• Shape up or ship out

• Do you want a taste of your own medicine?

• What did I ever do wrong to have to deal with a daughter like you?

• You are a big disappointment to me

• You are a disgrace to this family

• God must regret having made you

• Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?

You may think that she’s forgotten what you said because it was a long time ago. I assure you she hasn’t. Humble yourself, go now, and ask forgiveness. It will release both of you.

Let today be the day where the words you speak to her from this day forward are only life-breathing and not akin to anything in the above list.

And for the record, this is the first time you’ve heard me say that failing to say or do something means that you’re at the top of the class!

(Stay tuned in two weeks for the counter blog titled: “25 Things to ALWAYS Say To Your Daughter”)

It’s Never too Late to Make Amends: A Real Life Dad-Adult Daughter Story

There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. 

As they sat side by side on the platform in front of a packed auditorium, their raw emotion was palatable, expressed visibly as each of them told their story through their tears. We all sat there mesmerized, with an awareness that we were being invited into one of the most honest interactions we’d ever witnessed between a dad and his adult daughter. She went first.

“Affirmation. My dad never gave it and still never does. I think that is why I’m never sure I matter. He is available in a variety of ways---there if I want to talk, for example, but not affirming. I can’t even explain the hole I’ve felt in my heart at his lack of affirmation. For many years I didn’t even realize that hole was there. And once I did, I first ignored it and told myself I didn’t care. But eventually it hurt too much to ignore.”

It was my dear friend Constance on the stage that day, her voice cracking as she spoke those words in front of a live audience. In that moment she wasn’t thinking about the fact that she was the CEO of a long-running non-profit organization, an accomplished musician, a vibrant national speaker, an author of two books, or a wife and a mother to three amazing children, notwithstanding the fact that she had coordinated the conference we were all attending. 

Right then it was as if she was a ten-year old girl again, acutely in touch with the longings of her heart. She wished for her daddy to notice her, to tell her she was beautiful in his eyes, and to let her know that he had time for her because she was one of the most important priorities in his life.

With her dad’s, permission to share these details publicly, she then began reading an email dialogue between she and I that had taken place a couple years earlier with regard to hurts from her father, Dan. Here is some of what I had written to encourage her: 

“Constance, it saddens me to think of how amazing you and your sister are and it breaks my heart to hear that your dad elevates ministry ventures over connecting with the two of you. It shows that he doesn’t have a cup that is full enough to pour into your life. I imagine that he gives you the best that he has and it’s definitely not enough. When he does ministry he must not have to give of himself in the same way he has to as a dad. It must tap into a different place inside of him.”

Looking directly at her father there on the platform, Constance turned and asked him: “Dad, how did it make you feel to hear those emails read?”

With script in hand, Dan read his carefully prepared response to his daughter’s query (she had given him the questions ahead of time so he had ample time to think through his answers): 

“I was saddened to realize how much you craved my approval and affirmation and I was oblivious to your need. I was so focused on avoiding the loss of my business of 25 years and losing my home as a result of the ‘Great Recession,’ combined with the concerns of pastoring a new church that I didn’t recognize your need.” 

Then, in her beautifully authentic way, Constance led her dad to dig deeper and share why he agreed to join her there that day to tell their story: 

“Because I love you and you asked me to come. You have asked me before to attend your events and I’ve always had a reason not to attend. But because I now realize how important it is to you, I am making you a priority and accepted your invitation. I recognize mistakes I’ve made in the past and am thankful for the opportunity to make better decisions. You are important to me and I want to affirm you.” 

Dan could hardly get through that part without fighting back tears. As you can imagine, his daughter was right there with him, feeling every word of his heartfelt emotion. He continued:

“I hope that our strengthened relationship will give hope to those in attendance who may be dealing with similar issues with their parents. I also want to bring this to the attention of parents with adult or soon-to-be-adult children so they’ll know that down deep at some level your children still need your approval, your acceptance, your affirmation, and your love. It may not seem like it, but they do.”

Then the two of them, as if in a well-choreographed dance, began to tell the backstory of their family history, beginning with Dan marrying Constance’s mom when she was 15 and he was 17, to their divorce 14 years later. They added many more heartbreaking details, including Dan eventually remarrying and starting a new family that didn’t always include his three older children, part of which led Constance to explode at her dad years earlier in a restaurant because of his dismissive responses towards her, an accumulation of hurt that had built up over the years.

By this time we, the audience, were all on the edge of our seats, feeling their pain and distress right along with them. I don’t think there was a dry eye in the place. Dan kept going:

“In my mind I thought I was affirming my daughter with my occasional compliments, so with regret I now realize it was not enough to satisfy her need. I was aware that Constance was not happy with me and I honestly didn’t know why. I didn’t realize the depth of her hurt and bitterness. And I will admit that I was raised without much affirmation from my parents and succumbed to the same malady. 

But I can now be painfully honest; I needed to learn to respect my adult children and not just give them unwanted criticism. There is a time parents have to begin to deal with their children on a respect basis; like many, I was late in recognizing this. But I have now!”

It was so refreshing to hear a dad---and a pastor, no less---honestly admitting his failures as a father to his adult daughter out in the open, in front of strangers. There wasn’t defensiveness or mudslinging in an attempt to explain, justify, or qualify his actions. Instead, his honesty and tender willingness to understand how he had hurt his daughter was part of the process that allowed her to continue releasing the hurts that she had carried for so many years. 

Now it was Constance’s turn to respond:

“Even though I was really angry at my dad, for some reason there was also a part of me that wanted to hope for something more. I think it was God in me. He gave me eyes to see my dad in a new light. Through conversations I saw more of the pain and rejection he had carried as a little boy, and also as a father and husband. I also realized that he was actually genuinely ignorant of my need for his affirmation. The more I looked at him through eyes of compassion for his brokenness, the easier it was to believe things could be better.

But the biggest boost to our relationship was that he wanted to change. He was in a season of having retired from work and was looking at his life in new ways and asking God to change him. And that is what I have seen the most these past few years---my dad is ACTIVELY choosing to look at the parts of himself that are not loving, and is open to change.”

Can you hear the softness in her voice that was evident now in the telling of her story? And she didn’t stop there:

“Two years ago I felt God nudging me to pray a prayer of blessing over my dad. Even though I was still holding on to some of the old feelings of bitterness, I started to cry. Something huge shifted in me in that moment. And I noticed a big shift in our relationship ever since. It was like something was loosed when I chose to pray blessing instead of holding on to old bitterness, and I think it meant something in him to hear me do that too. Since that time, I have noticed that my dad frequently tells me that he loves me, and more importantly (at least for me), that he is proud of me.

This has changed not only our relationship, but my relationship with myself. Somehow, knowing that my dad is proud of me has diminished my need to have others be proud of me too. And the more I know that and can rest in his love for me, the better and better our relationship gets.”

What hope their story brings in highlighting that it’s never too late for a dad and a daughter to mend their relationship. Here is a woman disclosing that it took her until her late 30’s to begin peeling back the layers of her father wounds and voids.

But the other amazing reality is that she has a dad who was willing to meet her in that process by also looking at himself and owning his part of the whole.

The lessons I take from their story are numerous. Among them:

• It’s never too late to heal a broken relationship between a dad and his daughter.

• In order to move forward, a dad needs to hear the impact of his actions (or inaction) on his daughter’s heart and life…without defensiveness.

• It takes tremendous courage for a dad to ask God to change him, but if he does, it will yield positive results with children.

• When a dad opens up about his life (particularly his childhood), it gives his daughter more insight into why he is the way he is.

• A daughter can ask God to help her look at her dad through the eyes of compassion for his own brokenness as she begins to take steps to forgive him.

• When a daughter prays for God to bless her father, it helps to release her bitterness.

I want to close by giving Dan the last word---from one dad to another. I hope that his words will touch your heart as a dad so that like him, you will be willing to look within yourself in order to pursue a more vibrant and positive relationship with your daughter:

“Looking back, I can remember the clues she was sending, but at the time I was clueless. It is never too late, and yes, I am committed to continuously changing to conform to God’s will for me as a father. The great thing about God is He wants to restore broken relationships and if we will cooperate with Him, He will change us if we will pray for those we have hurt or been hurt by. Then God will begin a work of restoration in them because with God, all things are possible.”

Well said, Dan. And on behalf of daughters everywhere, I want to give you my most sincere thanks for your humble willingness to honestly admit your shortcomings as a father, coupled with publicly modeling what it looks like for a dad to actively turn his heart toward his grown-up girl. 

Your story gives us all great hope that we ever too old to change…whether a dad or an adult daughter.

Throw or Tell: A Fathering Lesson about Rocks

Most every man I’ve known has played with rocks during his childhood. I’m guessing you did too. Maybe it’s the whole made-from-the-dust-of-the ground thing that is inherent in the male population to draw them to the earth. Who knows?! 

And even though you probably know more about rocks than I do and don’t need a geology lesson, I’ll still continue by stating the obvious. Here are some things that can be done with rocks. You can:

1. Throw them. (Of course this is the number one answer I hear from men when I ask them this question.) 

2. Skip them (across water).

3. Construct something with them. 

But the thing that usually isn’t mentioned is: 

4. Build something, namely a monument. 

Let me tell you the prompt for this last action step. It actually comes from a story in the Bible from when God led His people (Israelites) to cross the Jordan River as He held back the water until all of them passed through the riverbed. Let’s pick up the story with their leader Joshua giving instructions to the men: 

“Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.” (Joshua 4:5-7)

One thing I love about this story is that the challenge from God to dads includes both building and telling.

First off, these dads are holding rocks on their shoulders and carrying them to the other side of the river in order to build something that will stand as a forever memorial. These fathers and their children had to have been walking side by side and interacting throughout the process. Seems like a great fathering model, don’t you think? 

And secondly, these fathers were instructed to tell their kids the story for years to come of the miracle that happened. And because we all know that kids love to ask questions, there is no doubt that this story was told repeatedly…by dad. 

As we can see, the rocks served as a reminder of the story that accompanied them. And this gave me an idea for a way to bring this idea into the twenty-first century.

Dad, what if you started a tradition where every time God did a big miracle in your family—like unexpectedly providing money to pay a huge bill or healing someone in a powerful way or answering a specific prayer or observing a milestone in your children’s lives—you took your kids to a quarry or a Home Improvement Store (like Home Depot or Lowe’s) and together you all picked out a sizable stone to commemorate the event? 

Then, just like these dads did centuries ago, you can build and tell simultaneously. 

Think about what this would be like if each time something significant happened in your family, a rock was added to an ever-growing monument that you build with your kids where future generations will hear the stories that each rock represents.

And through it all, dad, you are the one leading the experience, just like the Israelite men of the Old Testament. 

So instead of just skipping and throwing rocks with your kids, why not let the rocks tell the story as together you build with those rocks while telling your kids the story of God’s faithfulness again and again.

And now to close with the cheesiest ending ever, yet one I just can’t resist: Dads who invite their children to respond to God alongside them ROCK!

(Excerpt adapted from my book, Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart, chapter 43).

Dad: Do Your Eyes Light Up When You See Her?

I don’t know if you’re a Dustin Hoffman fan, but I’ve loved his work ever since he took on the role of an autistic savant in Rain Man back in the late 80’s. He has an extraordinary gift of fully stepping into the characters he portrays, which was made evident when he donned the quirky role of a 243-year-old eccentric toy store owner in Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium.

I absolutely love this movie and want to take you beyond his character for a moment to focus on his young apprentice named Molly Mahoney, played by the beautiful Natalie Portman. Though an accomplished pianist, she lacked confidence in her musical abilities and is forced to come face-to-face with her debilitating insecurities.

Described as “needing an opportunity to prove that she is more than she believes,” Mr. Magorium creates a so-called “opportunity” for Molly to embrace her inner strength and innate potential by announcing that he’s retiring and leaving the toy store to her. He wants her to rise to the occasion and discover what he has seen in her all along.

But instead of pushing through her immobilizing fears, she walks away from the opportunity. She doesn’t believe she has what it takes to succeed. (This is a common reality for most girls, especially during adolescence, when they don’t know how to fully stand in their truth…and that’s when they need more support, which is where you come in, dad.)

As Molly wrestles with finding her place in her own life story, she turns to an accountant named Henry (played by Jason Bateman). and with her eyes cast downward, asks him, “What do you see in me?”

As a guy, he doesn’t really understand what she means, and tells her so. Then she rephrases her question and asks, “Do I sparkle?”

I am struck by her question. I truly believe this is a universal question tucked inside every daughter, even if she hasn’t quite put it into those words.

“Being the sparkle in someone’s eye” is something my dear friend and colleague, Dr. Jim Friesen, talks about in his book, The Life Model: Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You. He says that some neurologists describe this concept as our most basic human need: Not only to be that sparkle, but to feel the joy inside when someone lights up upon seeing us.

Because little children can feel this joy in loving relationships, Jim says that much of life is spent trying to reconnect with that feeling. Life makes so much more sense when people around us reflect back the authentic joy that comes from simply seeing us and being with us. There is healing power in this life-breathing exchange.

Jim goes on to say that because joy is relational, it is also a contagious experience. Joy is produced when someone is “glad to see me,” which then stirs up a bit of joy in me. And when my joy is returned, there is an increase in the giver’s joy as well. It’s a reciprocal dynamic.

This experience goes back and forth at amazingly fast rates—six cycles per second in a nonverbal, face-to-face exchange—all the time creating a stronger joy interaction between both people. Isn’t that incredible? Former Abba Project Dad Steve told me this is one of the most powerful things he’s ever heard as he seeks to relate even better to his two adult daughters.

So what does this mean for you as a dad with your daughter?

Here are some important things for you to know:

1. She is innately wired with the need to be the sparkle in someone’s eyes.

2. If not yours, she will be drawn to someone, anyone, who will light up upon seeing her.

3. Your visual delight upon seeing her will deposit worth and value into the core of her being.

4. If you actively reflect back to her the joy you feel when you look into her eyes, it will build her self-esteem as a gift from you to her.

I believe that every girl needs to be the sparkle (or the light) in her dad’s eyes. You were the first man who saw her and knew her and embraced her and celebrated her. She will turn less to the counterfeit if she has experienced the real thing with you.

Connect with your daughter today and let her know that you delight in her, whether in person or through a text or phone call.

And if the two of you are separated by distance, such that she can’t watch you light up when seeing her today, at least she’ll be able to read your words if you write them. Your written words will tide her over until the next time you have your face-to-face interaction.

Let the life-breathing exchange begin!