How The Anxious Generation is Influencing Your Daughter…and What You as Her Dad Can Do About It [Part 2]

Hi Dad…

So how did your extra intentional REAL LIFE time with your daughter go these past two weeks? I trust that your daughter---and you---were willing to put your phones DOWN so that your mood and focus and mental health benefits could go UP!

As I wrote in my last blog, today is Part 2 of my review of Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s #1 New York Times bestseller, “The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness.”

Quick review of Part 1:

• Research confirms there are strong correlations between the epidemic rises in depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicide among adolescents with PHONE-based childhoods that have replaced PLAY-based childhoods.

• A phone-based childhood leads to four significant issues: sleep deprivation, social deprivation, attention fragmentation, and addiction.

• Social media use for girls doesn’t just correlate with mental illness (namely anxiety and depression), but actually causes it!

• Girls are more affected by visual social comparison and perfectionism.

Now let’s hear more from Dr. Haidt, a fellow GirlDad who is walking a similar road as you with your daughter.

I appreciate the way he creatively explains this dilemma of the mental health breakdown in children to fellow parents.

If a tech entrepreneur transported our children away from Earth to live on Mars, specifically without their parent’s consent, every mom and dad would be outraged. Yet in some ways that’s exactly what’s happened because our kids may not be on Mars, says Haidt, but they’re not fully present with us here anymore either. They’re floating in space without being grounded in relationships that require face to face connection.

And he cites that there is only one explanation for all of this: SMARTPHONES and DEVICES.

He continues:

“The Great Rewiring of Childhood, from play-based to phone-based, has been a catastrophic failure…Children thrive when they are rooted in real-world communities, not in disembodied virtual networks…” (p. 293).

So what can be done to bring reform to the adolescent mental health crisis that’s impacting your daughter?

Haidt says the place to begin is to significantly limit smartphone use in kids so our culture begins to embrace a new normal with parents leading the way. He calls for collective action and says if more parents band together in these proactive ways, it will turn the tide.

More specifically, he suggests: 

1. No smartphones before high school

2. No social media before age 16

3. Phone-free schools

4. Far more unsupervised play and childhood independence

Although this might literally seem impossible to institute with your daughter, the reality is that it can be done if you really want to do it. If you’re convinced that the very devices she’s holding in her hands are destroying her confidence and negatively impacting her mental health, what’s keeping you from addressing this head on?

Did you notice Haidt’s last point above about giving children more freedom to play and explore life in the real world without constant adult supervision? He says that sometimes parents are more concerned and vigilant about where their kids go and who they’re with in their outside world than where they go and who they’re with online and in cyberspace.

I know the idea of giving your daughter more freedom outside your home might be tough for many of you, but Haidt says that with practice in managing your own anxiety as a parent while releasing your daughter to grow, “the ultimate pleasure of being able to trust your child outweighs the temporary anxieties of letting go.” (p. 287).

By giving your daughter more unsupervised free play like you had at her age, along with ever-growing independence and responsibility, she will thrive and mature. And she’ll have you to process all she learns along the way while still at home. Remember too that she can’t give up her phone without something else to replace it.

These proactive solutions to our adolescent mental health crisis, according to Dr. Haidt, are achievable. If you want to see your daughter’s mental health improve and her anxiety and depression decrease, it’s time to take action. 

I’ll end with integrating Haidt’s suggestions with my own by sharing four ways you can raise your daughter to live an anxious-free life:

1. PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE
Initiate a digital detox for set periods of time and insist she do the same.
(Start small---like an hour or two---and then expand your time until you can live one day a week without your devices. Haidt encourages a “digital Sabbath” every week (p. 279). Expect to go through withdrawal, but it will get easier as you commit to technology-free time as a family---and it starts with you, Dad, setting the example. And make sure your kids turn their phones in and off every night before bed).

2. PLAY TOGETHER
Intentionally engage your daughter in face-to-face conversations and experiences with you and others.
(Haidt describes the “Let Grow Project” as an assignment where kids do something they’ve never done before on their own after reaching an agreement with parents on what it is. (p.265) Brainstorm together and write a list of new experiences she’d like to try—on her own or with you. Make sure they’re active and even service-oriented so she sees that she has something to give and offer others.)

3. POSITVE REINFORCEMENT
Refrain from expressing negativity as you encourage your daughter to try things that allow her to flex her wings.
(Be mindful to motivate your daughter with inspiration instead of indignation. She may be cranky as she does a digital detox so be gentle in this process. Avoid expressing fears, criticisms about what she’s not doing right, or potential doubts as to her abilities as she steps into real-world activities in brave new ways. Instead, applaud her willingness to learn as she grows).

4. PROCESS WITH HER.

Pursue regular conversations with her regarding what she’s learning about herself and the world around her as she rewires her brain.
(One way to educate your daughter on the neurological and mental health impacts associated with attachment to devices---and detachment from devices---is to ask how her online life is helping her reach her goals or blocking them. Better yet, read Haidt’s book with her to create a foundation for healthy interactions).

5. PRAY WITH HER.

Take time to intentionally join your daughter in talking to God about growing in developing healthier balance and rhythms with her screens. Even if praying out loud isn’t something you’re comfortable with or consider yourself skilled in doing, I encourage you to start with one or two sentences so your daughter hears her earthly father talking to her Heavenly Father about what’s going on in her life.

Dad, make it your goal to PLAY MORE with your daughter.

Encourage her to PLAY MORE in person with her friends.

Inspire her to RISK MORE while engaging in new activities where she doesn’t have to be perfect.

Establish limits so she’s retrained to be on her PHONE LESS (at home, school, etc.).

To review, here it is once again in a nutshell…

LESS SCREEN TIME + MORE REAL-WORLD TIME =

LESS ANXIETY, LESS DEPRESSION, LESS SELF HARM, LESS SUICIDALITY,
and MORE CONFIDENCE + GREATER SELF ESTEEM.

My final encouragement to you, Dad, is to align with these wise words of Jonathan Haidt as you step into action with the things shared above: “Let’s bring our children home.” (p.293).

How The Anxious Generation is Influencing Your Daughter…and What You as Her Dad Can Do About It [Part 1]

I just reviewed a new book and it’s so powerful that I have to tell you about it!

And because there is so much power-packed information in it, I’m dividing my overview into two parts. Today is Part 1 and in two weeks I’ll share Part 2. I’m also giving you practical action steps at the end of this blog so you can engage your daughter in a proactive process of healing her brain and ultimately experience positive impacts to her mental and emotional health.

Now to the book. It’s a 2024 release and is already a #1 New York Times Bestseller. Written by psychologist and researcher, Dr. Jonathan Haidt, the title is, “The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness.”

Before we dive into his book, let me ask you a couple of questions.

Question 1: If I offered you guaranteed success by doing ONE THING to increase in your daughter’s self-esteem while simultaneously decreasing her anxiety and depression, would you beg me to tell you what it is? Of course you would!

Today I’m going to share that one secret with you. Actually, Dr. Haidt is going to tell you his answer to that question. His astonishing, profound and life-changing findings literally boil down to ONE SPECIFIC THING that can make a huge significant difference in improving your daughter’s mental health.

If this seems too simplistic or too good to be true, keep reading and I’ll share more to back up his claims.

It’s also worth noting that Haidt is a GirlDad. He’s the father to two teenagers, one of them being a daughter. So this research is deeply personal to him.

Haidt wants you to know that the correlation between the epidemic rises in depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicide among adolescents that began to spike in the early 2010’s has a root cause. Through his extensive research he’s concluded that this is primarily due to PHONE-based childhoods that have replaced PLAY-based childhoods.

[Haidt uses the term “phone-based” broadly to include all internet-connected personal electronics that fill time, including laptop computers, tablets, video game consoles, and smartphones with millions of apps].

Question 2: Would you have ever imagined that your maturing daughter would forget how to play? As you remember back to when she was a toddler, you didn’t have to teach her how to play; it was intuitive and instinctual. Yet now there’s been a complete reversal where children are less inclined to explore and experience adventures in a real-world community; instead, they’re being conditioned to sit down and look down while scrolling or “playing” on their devices, often in isolation.

This not only is having a disastrous impact on our kids, but Haidt adds that “it doesn’t have to be that way; we can regain control of our own minds….and this book is for anyone who wants to understand how the most rapid rewiring of human relationships and consciousness in human history has made it harder for all of us to think, focus, forget ourselves enough to care about others, and build closer relationships.” (p.17).
He continues by describing four foundational areas of harm that the anxious generation, also known as Gen Z (born after 1995), has experienced due to having a phone-based childhood:

1. Sleep deprivation

2. Social deprivation

3. Attention fragmentation

4. Addiction

I imagine you’d like to read more about each of these things as you consider how they’re impacting your daughter…and possibly yourself. You’ll have to get the book to learn more, but for now, let’s keep going.

This next point is specifically for you as a GirlDad.

Haidt states that social media use for girls doesn’t just correlate with mental illness (namely anxiety and depression), but actually causes it! [WOW…that’s ground-breaking information, wouldn’t you agree?]

He cites empirical evidence to confirm four reasons why girls are more vulnerable than boys when it comes to the influence of social media:

1. Girls are more affected by visual social comparison and perfectionism

2. Girls aggression is more relational (“The way to really hurt another girl is to hit her in her relationships” where “indirect aggression includes damaging other people’s relationships or reputations.” p. 158).

3. Girls more easily share emotions and disorders

4. Girls are more subject to predators and harassment

Dad, this is important for you to know because your daughter is being devoured by the impact of social media, whether she admits it or not.

Especially in pre-adolescence and adolescence when she begins being influenced more by peers, she is susceptible to negative voices that can lead her to disconnect from her own self worth and identity. This is when she begins comparing herself to others more while being overpowered with distorted fears and projections, beliefs and assumptions that can lead her away from being her authentic self.

I’ll be sharing more insights next week from Jonathan Haidt’s book, but for now, I want to ask you as a dad:

1. Are you willing to stand up and contend for your daughter’s mental and emotional health by letting her push against---and then follow----your limits regarding significantly less smartphone use?

THEN…

1. Are you willing to invest more of your personal time and energy to engage her in REAL life activities with you and others that invite her into REAL relationships? (which includes REAL drama and challenges and heartache and forgiveness and love and connection and fun and laughter…and all the things!)

To summarize, here it is in a nutshell…

Bottom line: LESS SCREEN TIME + MORE REAL-WORLD TIME =

LESS ANXIETY, LESS DEPRESSION, LESS SELF HARM, LESS SUICIDALITY,
and MORE CONFIDENCE + GREATER SELF ESTEEM.

ACTION STEP: Between now and two weeks from now, invite your daughter into an activity that’s new or that both of you already enjoy doing together. And one requirement is that there are NO PHONES ALLOWED (unless it’s to take a few pics along the way…but make sure to turn off your ringer and notifications so there are NO DISTRACTIONS).

For extra credit: Do one activity each week…so this means you’ll do TWO ACTIVITIES with her in the next two weeks. Write and tell me about it because I love sharing these milestones with you.

This is how you’ll begin to the turn the tide in a more positive direction as your daughter puts her phone DOWN and experiences her mood and perspective moving UP!

Two Vitally Important Questions to Ask Yourself to Start the New Year Strong

Happy New Year, Dads!

As we hit the ground running in these first days of January, I want confirm that I’m here with renewed passion and commitment to encourage you in your fathering goals.

And whether you’re wired to make resolutions for the new year…or not…I believe you’ll benefit from taking a few minutes to ask yourself TWO QUESTIONS to set your course as a dad in 2025.

Quick backstory: This week I was talking with my friend, Ron Hauenstein, who founded the Spokane Fatherhood Initiative (SpoFI) and he recently wrote a guest blog for us (so you might recognize his name). Ron shared something powerful that I want to pass along to you.

He asked the guys in his group to WRITE RESPONSES to two questions:

1.  What are the three most important changes I want to see in MYSELF in the next six months?

2. What are the three most important changes I want to see in MY CIRCUMSTANCES in the next six months?

I love the fact that these questions are introspective and invite us to look within ourselves rather than hanging our expectations for change on those around us---be it our kids, spouse, work environment, etc.

And secondly, the KEY is to WRITE what you want to see happen in yourself and your circumstances. Research confirms that putting goals into writing and seeing what you’ve written will increase the effectiveness of reaching your goals.

Finally, place your written or typed words in a prominent place as a reminder of your intention, goals, wishes, and mindset.

And though these two questions don’t specifically mention your role as a dad, we all know that as you grow and change, your daughter (and son) will enjoy the benefits and rewards of your proactive changes and positive decisions.

Ron told me that “the most predominant change the men want to see in themselves is better emotional control, followed by boosting self-worth.” So how about you, Dad? What is the most predominant change you want to see in your life this year?

I’d love for you to share with me your responses to the two questions above as a way to accentuate your goals with accountability.

We’ve all got lots of work to do. I’m so glad we’re all on the same team!

10 Ways to End the Year Well with Your Daughter

10 Ways to End the Year Well with Your Daughter
 
As we come to the end of 2024, I want you to know---from my heart to yours---that it’s been an honor to stand with you in your fathering journey this year…through blogs, The Dad Whisperer Podcast, my books, and even in personal coaching sessions. Thank you for listening to me, trusting me and letting me partner with you as I seek to champion you in your role as a GirlDad.
 
Yet before we turn the page to the new year, I encourage you to look back and consider where you’ve grown and evaluate where you still need to grow. This is what ‘ending well’ looks like in action.
 
As fathers, you often find yourselves in a race against time. And especially as your daughter matures and you see time slipping through your fingers, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed, perhaps even discouraged, where you feel like you’re not doing enough or can never make up for lost time.
 
I use a two-word phrase with my clients A LOT. They are: END WELL.
 
We all know that endings are a part of life---whether it’s ending a year in school or ending a job or ending a dating relationship, etc.. Yet it can be easy sometimes to focus more on what’s ahead than looking back to evaluate, reconsider or celebrate.
 
This brings up a question: Does ending one thing well hinder or support the next thing starting better…or worse?
 
I would argue that ending well is paramount to starting the next chapter with more capacity and focus, hope and optimism.
 
In my desire to come alongside you as you end 2024 well and look ahead to 2025, here’s your action-oriented assignment, should you dare to accept it!
 
Print out this blog and next to each of these 10 items, write down where you’ve succeeded in reaching your goals with your daughter this past year. Then write one specific way you will commit to grow in each of these areas in 2025 as you invest in pursuing your daughter’s heart with even more intention.

1. Emotional Availability
How have I done with honoring her feelings and emotions while being in touch with my own?

2. Respect Her Growing Independence
How am I doing with encouraging her to take risks and try new things without discouraging or criticizing her, even when the results are less than either of us hoped?

3. Creating Moments of Connection
How have I leaned into initiating or seizing opportunities to connect with her as opposed to a more of an avoidant or passive stance?

4. Celebrating Her Achievements, Big and Small
How am I vocalizing encouragement and positive support, even when she considers her attempt to be a failure or less than perfect?

5. Patience and Anger Control
How am I doing in ‘dropping my anger’ so patience leads the way rather than intense expressions of irritation and/or disappointment?

6. Initiating Spiritual Conversations and Experiences
How have I purposefully engaged her in praying together, talking about God, growing her spiritual practices, making wise decisions, strengthening her moral character, facilitating time with her faith community, etc.?

7. Strengthening Communication
How am I establishing more frequent, vulnerable and honest conversations where she knows she is safe to process, feel and receive quality input from me?

8. Listening More Intently
How am I doing with growing my listening skills with a goal to listen twice as much as I talk (two ears/one mouth), all the while making sure she’s expressed herself fully before I offer advice, input, or consequences?

9. Expressing Unconditional Love
How often is she hearing me confirm there’s nothing she can ever do to diminish my love for her? (The Five Love Languages provide a concrete template---words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, touch, gifts).

10. Model Healthy Relationships and Boundaries
How is my daughter learning from watching me---in how to relate to others, set limits with money or alcohol or ministry or time, the way I treat her mom, do my job, live out my work ethic, relationships with friends, etc.

Ending well with your daughter this year isn’t about a single conversation, or a specific moment—it’s about being aware that she’s watching and learning and yearning for your approval and positive investment in her life.

By being intentional in how you show love, as well as respect and support her, you’ll ensure that your bond remains strong into next year and beyond.

By ending 2024 well, you’re setting the foundation for a powerful and meaningful 2025. I look forward to staying connected in 2025…see you then!

Put Your Love In Writing (a last minute Christmas gift that’s guaranteed to be your daughter’s favorite!)

Merry Christmas Dad! I know we’re all pressed for time as we get closer to December 25th, so I’m meeting you where you’re at with a last minute Christmas gift that’s guaranteed to be your daughter’s favorite!

If you want to give your daughter a Christmas gift this year that: 

• Won’t cost any money

• Won’t require driving to the mall (you’re welcome!)

• Will only take 30 to 45 minutes of your time

• Is guaranteed to be one of her all-time favorite gifts…then get your pen ready!

One of the greatest presents you can give your daughter is to affirm her through writing. 

I speak from personal experience by sharing that I’ve saved all the letters and cards my dad has ever made me. And I’ve heard innumerable stories from other daughters who also have saved letters and cards from their dads, which are sacred treasures, especially for those whose dads are no longer here to tell them in person that they are loved.

And in a world where written communication is increasingly digital (texts, emails, tweets), a letter scripted in your own handwriting is sure to stand out as unique.

Dad, put your words of affirmation, acceptances, belief, encouragement, promise, and praise into writing because your daughter will treasure what you say to her for a lifetime. 

The time you spend now putting your thoughts, feelings, prayers, wishes, hopes, and dreams into written form will pay dividends long after you’re gone as she reads and rereads your words.

Whether you’re a dad who has already begun this practice or you are a tentative newbie, I want to share a few ideas to support your pen-to-paper challenge. 

Here are a few dad-to-daughter letter-writing ideas to add to your repertoire:

• What is one of the first things you remember about her from when she was born and you looked at her for the first time?

• What beauty did you see in her then and what beautiful features do you see in her now? (Girls love hearing about their eyes, smile, and the unique features that you see as beautiful)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• What strengths do you believe she has, both in terms of skill and in her person (her character, personality, etc.)?

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• Tell her specific reasons you’re proud of her

• Write about what obstacles you have seen her overcome—emphasize such qualities as courage, resilience, strength, commitment, endurance, and power

• Write about dreams you have for her future, whether in the form of your wishes for her or things you pray about for her—do this without preaching or lecturing, only encourage

• Tell her what it means to you to spend time with her

• Communicate why you love being her dad in this season of her life (add current things about her age right now that you’re aware of and highlight them as positive)

• Let her know that you will always be there for her, telling her what it means to you to be her dad

Dad, as you give your daughter the gift of a letter from you this Christmas, I guarantee it will be one of her favorite gifts that will last a lifetime.