49 Conversation Ice Breakers to Make You a Better Communicator with Your Daughter (Guest Blog by Dr. Joe Martin)

Let’s face it, most of us as men struggle when it comes to meaningful communication with our wives, girlfriends, children, friends, and even other men. 

But like most things in life, effective communication is skill. It’s not something you’re just born with. And like with most things, it takes practice in order to master it.  

To help you in this process, especially with a goal to strengthen your relationship with your daughter, I compiled a list of 49  questions that I call “Conversation Ice Breakers for Men.” You’ll soon discover that with these questions in hand, you’ll more quickly move past the fear of talking (or at least get you started). 

Print it out, and keep it nearby whenever you start to get tongue-tied. Or you can take a screen shot and keep it on your phone for easy access. I even put it in alphabetical order to help you easily remember some of the questions.

[Note: It was primarily meant for conversations with adults, but if you use discernment, it can work great with young daughters and teens as well.]

I’m passionate about helping men win and I assure you that by using these ice breaker questions to open up deeper conversations with your daughter, you’ll be taking steps forward as a courageous and committed dad. I’ve used these questions for years with my wife and daughter and have even committed them to memory. I’ve seen their continual effectiveness in strengthening our communication. 

Bottom line: I want to help you win in the areas that matter most to you as a father. By being proactive in initiating interactions with your daughter, I believe you’ll walk away better equipped and more confident. 

Dr. Joe Martin is an award-winning international speaker, author, and educator who has authored nine books. He is also the host of the #1 radio podcast on iTunes for Christian Men called Real Men Connect and heralds from Chattanooga, TN where he lives with his wife. They have two adult children, one son and one daughter. You can connect with him at www.realmenconnect.com.

Like Father, Like Daughter

We’ve all heard it said that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. For some of us that’s a compliment while for others it feels more like a curse… or at least a major bummer.

When we look in the Bible there sometimes is a pattern to the apple-tree thing but at other times the whole father-to-child legacy doesn’t seem to play out according to plan.

Take Josiah, for instance.  He became king of Judah after the assassination of his father Amon, a king who majorly influenced his people to turn away from God just like his father Manasseh had done before him. Then in the middle of a virtual no man’s land in the purity department, eight-year old Josiah pops up as a righteous, God-fearing king who instituted major spiritual reforms. It’s a mystery as to where his clarity came from at such a young age, especially with relatively no male role model set anywhere in his family tree.  

That right there should give hope to anyone who thinks that their fate is sealed if they come from a screwed up family, and particularly one where the male side hasn’t perhaps been the most stellar examples. Josiah is proof that in each generation we get to make our own choices.

There’s another dad in the Bible who catches my attention. This dad was an awesome role model to his daughter. Caleb and his friend Joshua were the two spies who went into the Promised Land when there were giants inhabiting it. Instead of being freaked out or intimidated by the giants in the land, they saw with eyes of faith and believed that God would keep His promise to give them their land.

Now fast forward to the time where Caleb steps into his role as a dad. His daughter’s name was Achsah and just like her dad, she was a woman of faith and courage, a woman with a voice who wasn’t afraid to ask for what she wanted. It’s obvious that her dad had modeled to her what it meant to be bold and forthright.

Let’s pick up the story in Joshua 15, verse 18:  “One day when Achsah came to her husband, she urged him to ask her father for a field. When she got off her donkey, Caleb asked her, “What can I do for you?” 

I LOVE that question from dad to daughter!  It’s so simple yet so profound. These are six words that every dad should memorize and use regularly.

Caleb brings himself to his daughter’s problem. He is willing to invest of his own time and resources to help her. (And it’s worth noting that he was still a dialed in dad even after his daughter was married!)

Notice the freedom of honest clarity that flows from Achsah’s mouth as she responds to her dad’s question by asking him to do her a special favor and give her springs of water. She obviously knew that she had the foundation of relationship with her dad to ask him for a “special favor.” There was no fear there. She knew he would listen. And the cool thing is that he does it for her. We read that “Caleb gave her the upper and lower springs.” (v. 19)

Do you notice how easily she responded to her dad’s question about what she wanted without holding back?

Do you notice how this dad offered the gift of his attention----solely focused on her?

Do you notice how he gives his daughter more than she asked for?

Dads, I’d encourage you to begin making these six words a regular part of your interactions with your daughters. I promise it will be a life-changer in the way your daughter responds to you!

Thanks Caleb for being a fantastic role model of a dialed-in dad! I know you’ve led the way for countless Girldads in the 21st century to follow in your footsteps.

Need a Father’s Day Gift That Will Extend Father’s Day Throughout the Year?

Need a Father’s Day Gift That Will Extend Father’s Day Throughout the Year? 

Hi y’all…. (Now that I live in Arkansas, I can officially get away with talking like this, right?!)

With Father’s Day just around the corner, I thought I’d drop in and suggest a gift that lasts long beyond the day itself: BOOKS! With the content in both of my two books for GirlDads being evergreen, this could be a great gift for any dad you know!

Just this week I received an email from the girlfriend of a guy I met at a men’s conference in Sacramento where I had the privilege of speaking two months ago. She asked for a signed copy since he’s a dad to three daughters and she wants this to be an extra special Father’s Day for him.

This gave me the idea to write y’all and ask if you know any dads who could benefit from these resources since they’re ready to head to homes around America! 

Here’s a quick overview so you can see which is best for the dad in your life:

1. “Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart” gives dads detailed information about how their daughters are wired. This is also a fitting book for a dad with a younger daughter who wants to better understand her needs as a foundation for connecting with her heart with more precision.

2. “Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters” has 60 topics on all kinds of themes, ranging from body image to boys to self-esteem to dad wounds to spirituality… and everything in between! This is for the dad who wants to go deeper with his daughter in listening to her heart while bonding with her in the process. This is the ultimate dad-daughter date book that is a difference maker between dads and daughters! 

You can find the books on Amazon or any book distributor… OR you can write to me and, for $20 (which includes Media Mail shipping), I’ll sign and send it to you a.s.a.p.! 

So if you know a dad who needs an extra special blessing and resource this Father’s Day, let’s equip dads with proactive resources that support their important role as fathers in ways that extend far beyond June 17th…. GO DADS!

Big hugs from my heart to yours, Dr. Michelle

Fathering Regrets from Nike Co-Founder Phil Knight

For the bulk of my life I lived in Portland, Oregon in the heart of Nike country. In fact, the church I attended for over 25 years is on the street where the company’s world headquarters resides.

I’ve had lots of friends who work for Nike and have done everything from designing shoes to leading international teams to doing various jobs in between. There’s even been a number of dads in The Abba Project who have been part of the Nike family. All this to say, the swoosh has been commonly seen and worn in my community!

This leads me to ask: Have you read or heard of Nike co-founder, Phil Knight’s, best-selling memoir, Shoe Dog? In this book, he shares his journey from launching a struggling start-up to becoming what is now a fifty-billion-plus- dollar company, and the world’s largest supplier of athletic shoes and apparel.

What I’ve noticed is that when Mr. Knight talks, people listen. And when Mr. Knight talks about life lessons he’s learned along the way—especially the hard way—people really listen.

That said, his reflections at the end of his book about being a dad are particularly noteworthy:

It might be nice to tell the story of Nike. Everyone else has told the story, or tried to, but they always get half the facts, if that, and none of the spirit. Or vice versa. I might start the story, or end it, with regrets. The hundreds—maybe thousands—of bad decisions . . . Of course, above all, I regret not spending more time with my sons. Maybe, if I had, I could’ve solved the encrypted code of Matthew Knight. And yet I know that this regret clashes with my secret regret—that I can’t do it all over again.

The fact that Phil’s son Matthew died in a scuba diving accident at the age of 34 makes these poignant words spoken by a man in his late seventies who wishes he’d been a more invested father even more powerful.

To state the obvious, he can’t get time back and he can’t get his son back.

• Dad, don’t let this be your story.

• Decide now to re-examine your priorities.

• Don’t wait.

• Just do it!

And this isn’t about perfection because no one is perfect. It is, however, about pursuing time with your daughter no matter what challenges arise, at any cost to yourself.

Taking Mr. Knight’s words to heart, I challenge you to ask yourself this question: Do I want to live with purpose (with clearly defined goals with specific and measurable action steps) or with regret when it comes to my role as a GirlDad?

I know you want to live with purpose as a father and actively pursue your daughter’s heart by putting your love for her into action or you wouldn’t have read my blog today.

So now let’s get practical and personal.

1. Ask yourself: Am I spending “enough” time with my daughter?
   (Yes, this is a relative term and may be hard to answer specifically…so search your heart and be honest with yourself. A “no excuses” mindset increases the likelihood of living with no regrets).

2. Ask yourself: What am I willing to change/give up/adapt to increase my flexibility and visibility to meet my daughter in this season?
   (Ex: Start work later to drive her to school, work out at another time so you’re available when she has time, invite her to join you in activities that allow for more consistent bonding, set up consistent calls or FaceTime to create a rhythm of connection she can count on…)

3. Ask your daughter: “Are we spending as much time together as you’d like?”

4. Ask your daughter: “What are one or two ways I can be more present in your life…and be specific about where I can meet you in your world.”

There it is Dad: two questions to ask yourself and two to ask your daughter.

You know how much I encourage you to TALK and LISTEN as you interact with your daughter so she can tell you what she feels, thinks, believes and needs…especially from you.

It’s up to YOU to initiate the conversation.

And yes, your daughter may or may not respond positively as you pursue her heart, yet as you consistently initiate connecting with her in real time, you’ll always know you put your time where your heart is…and that’s how you clarify your purpose to live without (or with less) regrets.

Go Dad!

The Dating Advice I Mistakenly Got from a Chatbot Disguised as a Rabbi

I literally cannot believe I just fell for this scam…but I did!

I watched a video by someone I thought was a well-respected Jewish Rabbi, only to later discover that “he” is actually an AI-generated persona.

I suppose I should have known better. But rather than delete his message, I figure it’s worth passing along to you because of the wisdom that’s packed into it.

Here’s what “Rabbi Stirberg“ had to say:

“Jewish fathers tell their daughters one thing at age 13 that changes everything. Most fathers never have this conversation at all. We sit our girls down before they start dating and tell them something that sounds harsh.

You are not the prize to be won. You are the judge deciding if he deserves to be chosen.

Most girls grow up thinking the goal is to be pretty enough that a boy wants them. We teach the opposite. The goal is not to be picked. The goal is to pick someone worth your time.

Then we teach them one question to ask about every boy they meet. Does he add value to my life or does he just make me feel good? Because feeling good lasts three months. Value lasts a lifetime.

A boy who adds value does three things:

      1. He makes you sharper, not softer.
      2. He challenges you to grow, not stay comfortable.
      3. He has a plan for his future, not just feelings about his present.

Most fathers raise daughters who ask, ‘Am I good enough for him?’ We raise daughters who ask, ‘Is he good enough for me?’

By the time your daughters choose partners, they're choosing whoever makes them feel wanted. By the time ours choose, they're choosing whoever makes them better. This isn't about being cold.

This is about understanding that who you choose determines the trajectory of your entire life. The wrong partner costs you decades. The right partner multiplies everything you are.

The Talmud teaches that a woman builds her house or tears it down with her own hands. The most important decision she makes is who she lets inside.

Teach your daughters they are the ones doing the choosing, not the ones hoping to be chosen.”

So what do you think?

To me, it seems like sound advice for a dad to teach his daughter.

More specifically, I appreciate the focus here on fathers challenging their daughters to use MORE WISDOM AND SCRUTINY when it comes to choosing a life partner. I think too often the romance paradigm glamorizes the hard work it takes to be in a healthy and vibrant relationship. Additionally, that one decision has EVERYTHING to do with EVERYTHING in her life (even if she chooses not to marry).

I also appreciate that the directive for women to be MORE CHOOSY when it comes to the men she dates…and the one she ultimately marries. This needs to be communicated from dads to their daughters of all ages. It’s vitally important for dads to encourage their daughters to ask themselves if he truly adds value to her life and makes her better.

Dad, I encourage you to open up this conversation with your daughter. You can start by reading her this blog.

And if you want to interact with her on the topics of dating and marriage but don’t know where to start, here’s the link to my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters where I have scripts for you to lead the dialogue. Go Dads!