Dadvice: What to Do When Your Daughter Gets On Your Last Nerve

I had the privilege of hearing renowned author Anne Lamott speak at Powell’s, one of our infamous Portland bookstores. At one point in her talk she had us all uproariously laughing when she admitted that years ago as a new mom and exhausted single parent she had the understandably human thought to put her crying newborn baby boy outside…for just one night…with the dog! (As if those last two qualifiers somehow made it okay!)

It was refreshing to hear Anne’s gut-level honest disclosure about parenting. And it was clear from the enthusiastic response of the crowd that her irreverent revelations about her secret thought life when it comes to mothering brought a bit of relief because most likely every mom and dad in the room could relate to the fact that:

1. Parenting is hard.

2. Parenting is exhausting.

3. Parenting is relentless with no reneging on the commitment.

4. Parenting takes more out of mom and dad than each knew they were signing up for.

5. Parenting has the potential to lead two rational adults to the brink of insanity!

Now let’s shift gears and focus specifically on fathering. 

As a dad you no doubt have had your buttons pushed by your daughter (probably this week…or even today…especially as she grows older). You may have found yourself wondering how she figured out the password that gained her access into your internal hard drive, the one that activates every response in you that you promised you’d never have as a father. 

And there you are, responding in anger or with a harsh reaction, impatience, or indifference, only then to realize that you are regrettably hurting the one who not so long before had you driving around with a sign in the car window that read, “Precious Cargo on Board.”

And though I never want to come across as a “know-it-all,” I’d love to offer a word picture that might come in handy next time she gets on your last nerve and you’re ready to move in a more positive direction. 

Think back to the day she was born when you saw her as a delicate little flower. 

Recall how gently you held her, careful not to break her. You took extra precaution so as not to drop her head or jiggle her body too aggressively. You made sure you didn’t talk too loud or shout in order not to scare her.  

Do you remember that feeling of being overwhelmed with her adorable little features while thinking that you had never held anything so small or beautiful?

Truth be told:  This is how you still need to think of “holding her.”  She is still just as delicate on the inside as the day she was born. She still needs to be handled with kid gloves, even when she’s being challenging.

I’d even suggest posting one of her baby pictures in a place where you see it every day as a daily reminder that she has a special place in your heart, even when you’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’.

One thing that my dad has had to do with me at times like this is soften his tone in order to connect with me (and sometimes it’s been me who has had to soften with him so I know this goes both ways).  I know this is something that doesn’t come naturally for him (or for most men), but it can be done. 

I’m not expecting you to be super human or perfect, but I do want to challenge you to have a conversation with your mouth and commit to not venting anger or reacting with harshness toward your daughter from this day forward. Or at least for today. 

And the next time you’re triggered, choose to walk away and ground yourself first by breathing deeply or getting some fresh air before responding.

Make a decision to consistently water your beautiful little flower with your words of life. You’ll both thrive as a result. 

Winning Her Heart vs. Winning an Argument

A few years ago I was talking to my friend Steve and he said something that not only blew me away then, but has stayed with me ever since. In fact, it’s so good that I asked him if I could both quote him and interview him. 

Here we are, seven years later, and Maddie is now in her first year of college. This dad and daughter have now moved past navigating the topsy-turvy, unpredictable road between: 

• independence and dependence

• freedom and boundaries

• rules and responsibilities

• distance and connection

...and they’ve locked in a solid, consistent, and deeply bonded relationship. 

So who better to hear from than a dad who has walked his talk and is now experiencing the incredible joy of being connected to his young adult daughter!

Backstory: When Steve’s daughter Maddie was heading into her teen years (a reality that proved to be a more daunting challenge than this dad had anticipated), he was strongly invested in learning how to relate better to his ever-changing and maturing girl. It was during a conversation we had one day that the following words rolled effortlessly off his tongue:

“It’s more important that I win her heart than win an argument.”

Does that sentence hit you like it did me?  

In that moment I said, “Steve, if every dad in America understood that concept, it would literally change the trajectory of relationships between dads and their daughters because fathers wouldn’t pull ‘the power card’ but would instead seek to understand their daughter’s heart needs in a proactive way.”

I loved hearing this courageous dad, guided by humility, say that it matters less that he is right, especially if it means he is trampling on his daughter’s heart in the process of holding to that position (and by heart I am describing where her emotions and dreams and passions and visions and ideas converge).

When I asked Steve a few probing questions to further clarify what he meant by his profound quote, he responded honestly. I believe you’ll appreciate the authenticity of his responses because he’s a dad who has been in the trenches just like you and he’s come out the other side.

1.   Steve, how do you go about winning Maddie’s heart?

I’m sitting here asking myself why I pause when trying to codify how I go about winning Maddie’s heart. I wonder: Am I afraid? Am I reluctant because I know that I fail so many times trying to win her heart? Who am I to try and suggest that I know the first thing about winning Maddie’s heart - when in fact I feel like I fail more times than I don’t? 

In fact, I just said to my wife - “This trying to be a dialed-in dad thing is hard. It would be so much easier to just unplug and chuck it!” No joke.  

But this morning, here’s what I wrote in my journal…“Jesus, help me to know how, what, and when to coach Maddie. Help me to know how, what, and when to close my mouth. Help me to know how, what for, and when to be strong for her. And help me to know how, what for, and when to just be with her.”  

You’d have to have been in our home to know the details…and frankly, I’m not sure I get all the details. But the one detail I do know - I love this little lady!  I won’t quit…even when failure seems like my default.  

2.   What works to win her heart and what doesn’t?

My number one strategy to winning her heart:  I…Won’t…Quit. She is my little girl, entrusted to me - her Daddy. And I will fight for her heart. I cannot demand it. But I will remain engaged…even when all the chaos of life collides with my visions of what it was like when she was 4, 5, 6 - with her raspy little Lauren Bacall voice. 

When I see the beauty that stands before me, in all of her “I am my own person” - I am in awe, this is my little girl, becoming a woman and I get the privilege of being present - I’ll take it. I will clumsily keep trying. I’m going to stay in the game - for her, for me, for her mom, for us…for her husband.

3.   Do you have any other strategies for pursuing your daughter’s heart?

My number two strategy to winning her heart - I apologize. I’m broken. I don’t do everything right. I make mistakes. At times I want a do-over. I’m humbled to be her Daddy. Pride has no business in being a dad. Let my humility be the measure of the strength of my love. (this is not a pushover kind of thing…)

My number three strategy. I am not afraid to be silly. Humiliation - ha…bring on the silly - for her sake. Never to humiliate her, but I will cherish the laughter - and Maddie can laugh.  

My number four strategy - I will guard her heart - I will fight for her. I’ll do this (hopefully) with a heart of peace towards others, but I will stand up for her, beside her. We will empower her to be an advocate for herself - but I will protect her.  

Maybe I’m going off topic here…but I will make the first move to restore our relationship. I know that I have to be the leader here. 

I will see her as a person - not a problem….not a problem child…not a child with “girl problems…”

I will tell her “no” - when it’s the right thing to say - even when I assume she is displeased.

4. How do you ground yourself when Maddie escalates emotionally? 

Great question…What is my ideal, aspirational approach? I recognize that she needs me to stay engaged with her as a person. That she knows that there is nothing that she can do that will change the fact that I LOVE her! I tell her this - when things escalate. Honestly, because when emotions climb and reality distorts (in all of us) I want to ground us with the truth – I LOVE HER.

5. How do you keep yourself from giving into anger when the situation is intensifying?

Well, I fail sometimes. My anger can look much more passive aggressive than expressive. I try to recognize when I slip over to anger and may have to suggest we come back around. I care more about her than being right, and we’ll figure the rest out. 

I’ve seen anger drive kids away; this was my own experience. It was amazing what it did to melt away years of hurt when my dad said, “I never looked at it from your perspective.” We are very careful with what we do, or say, in anger…I recognize it in myself and try to check it…or listen to my bride when it pokes its head out. 

6. Do you have any input for other dads of daughters?

Pride…dude, you are a Daddy. Bask in the self-evident pride that comes prescribed with being the dad of a daughter. Celebrate HER, champion HER, empower HER - and watch her fly. And be sure that you are the soft place she can come to when the world pushes off on her strengths and gifts, and tramples on her scars and weaknesses. Come on, you’re her Daddy. 

7.   Are there last thoughts you’d like to add?

I know that I’m a gloriously flawed dad – and trying to say how well I do at winning her heart…no trophies here. But one thing I do is pray for my daughter to recognize that she need not carry the burdens of the world, her school, her friends…but also not to ignore her bent towards leadership, justice, and a deep sense of empathy. I want to put a bubble around her to guard her heart, but I also want her to work out that powerful muscle and grow in her sense of right and wrong, a voice for the marginalized, and a defender of the weak.

Being a Dad is messy. But I am her Daddy…she gets one of me and I’m humbled to be her Daddy.  

Wise words from a seasoned father. 

I’m grateful to Steve for letting us see into his experience because he’s reminding dads everywhere that it’s not about being perfect, but is about staying attentive to the changing tapestry of your daughter’s life.

He’s modeling vulnerability in demonstrating the importance of being real with his girl---whether he’s apologizing and asking forgiveness or being silly and making her laugh.

And last, he’s teaching dads that winning an argument lasts only minutes while winning your daughter’s heart lasts a lifetime.

Dad, why not choose one insight that Steve shared today about winning the heart of his girl and put it into action with your daughter today.

Better Than a Dozen Roses: 12 Ways to Let Your Daughter Know She’s Your Valentine

With this being Valentines Day, I figure there’s no better way to celebrate the holiday than to highlight the power of a heart connection from a dad to his daughter. 

And though some may view this day as one reserved only for romance between sweethearts, I see it as an opportunity for a girl to be treated in an extra special way by her dad, thus creating a model for future comparison so she’ll know how to be treated when the love of her life comes knocking! 

Rather than give her 12 roses to let her know she’s loved by you today, why not instead choose 12 things that you can do for her or with her to let her know she’s worth celebrating.

This 14th day of February can be the start of a new tradition where you give her your time, your energy, and your creativity to say, “You’re my valentine.” [Incidentally, you’ll notice that none of these things cost money, but will require that you dig deeper inside yourself than your wallet.] 

Have fun being resourceful in ways that require ingenuity, patience, a servant’s heart, and a good dose of humor.

Here’s a dozen ideas to help you win her heart anew this Valentines Day:

1. Do something fun where the two of you enjoy an activity together ---walking, running, biking, shooting hoops, kicking a ball, playing a board game, eating, cooking, etc.

2. Let her teach you something she’s good at and you’re not ---baking, cooking, doing an art project, coloring, talking, etc.

3. Write a letter telling her the qualities you love, admire, respect, and want to reinforce in her ---for extra credit, read and then give her the letter, which I guarantee will be something she will treasure for the rest of her life.

4. Step out of your comfort zone and invite her to dance with you to one of her favorite songs ---if she declines, don't feel bad; she won't forget you asked, even if she says “no” to your request. 

5. Listen for ten uninterrupted minutes while practicing active listening skills ---look at her while she talks, nod your head to show you’re interested, lean forward, ask questions to encourage her to talk more (yes, you heard me right!), and put away all distractions to give her your full attention. 

6. Share three stories from your childhood that you’ve never told her before ---of course you’ll want to ask her if she'd like to hear them since some girls like hearing stories more (or less) than others.

7. Serve her in a way that is unexpected and out of the ordinary---fix something that’s broken, run an errand so she doesn’t have to, make her bed for her, do one of her chores as a surprise gift to her, etc.

8. Ask if you’ve hurt her and then seek forgiveness after hearing the whole story ---then follow the lead of one dad who has makes a practice of asking his five-year old daughter this question every night as he tucks her into bed, "Has Daddy been sharp with you today?" This allows him to hear if or how he’s hurt her and immediately do damage control.

9. Surf the internet with her and find funny videos that make both of you laugh ---because humor bonds us to those around us, why not intentionally create space to connect over shared laughter, which releases endorphins that will cause both of you to feel happier.

10. Take selfies of the two of you putting random things on your heads with silly captions to then post on her social media sites with the hashtag: #daddaughterselfie

11. At any time of the day make her a breakfast food she loves---pancakes, waffles, omelet, cereal, etc.---and then eat it with no hands to create an experience that is sure to serve as a lasting memory! (Idea credit: Garth Brooks, who led his daughters to do this with him during their growing up years, which inspires others to now follow his lead).

12. Watch one of her favorite television shows or movies with her ---be sure not to tease her or belittle her for anything she likes and then offer to pop popcorn or dish up ice cream to make the experience extra fun and enjoyable. 

Dad, why not give your daughter a new kind of Valentine gift this year that requires your full attention and whole heart.

I’m convinced that she’ll feel loved by you in a new way as you give more of yourself than money can buy. I believe this has the potential to be better than a dozen roses as this forever memory will last a lifetime!

18 Ways to "Be the First" in Your Daughter's Life

So here we are once again at the beginning of a new year, that time when we all turn the page and look forward to a fresh start. Some of us might even dare to believe that anything is possible as the script for 2020 is yet to be written.

How about if you and I join forces to not only believe together for positive changes in our relationships this year, but then commit to putting that desire into action. Are you with me?

When I think about the concept of firsts, especially when it comes to fathers understanding their daughters with more precision, I want to highlight what a big deal “firsts” are for us as girls.

To prove my point, you could ask any woman when she had her first crush. [In fact, this would be a great question to ask your daughter, no matter her age.] She’ll immediately tell you because that memory is frozen in time and available for fast recall whenever prompted. 

Then you could ask her about her first kiss, her first dance, first prom, or first breakup. They’re all filed away.

Now let’s change it up a bit and address more than just romance or heartbreak.

You could ask about her first job, her first paycheck, first car or first bad grade. Yep….all stored in the vault.

Here’s how I see it. If your daughter is wired to remember firsts, then why not capitalize on that reality by being the first to do it right and get it right…all en route to her heart.

Dad, what if you made it your goal in this new year to create memories for your daughter by deciding to “be the first.”

• Be the first to tell her you love her every single day so she never has to wonder if you do.

• Be the first to choose kindness because it’s a virtue you want her to exemplify.

• Be the first to set the bar high in modeling what a good man looks like so all other men will be compared to you.

• Be the first to tell her you’re sorry.

• Be the first to show her that strong men can cry.

• Be the first to model what humility looks like.

• Be the first to write her a note telling her what you find special about her.

• Be the first to take her on an adventure.

• Be the first to buy her a “just-because” treat.

• Be the first to take her out for an extravagant meal.

• Be the first to wipe her tears and hold her in your arms when her life goes sideways. 

• Be the first to listen rather than lecture.

• Be the first to “hold her anger” without reacting harshly in return.

• Be the first to initiate deep conversations about spirituality, God, faith, politics, goals, and even your life growing up.

• Be the first to model a healthy spiritual life so she can follow your example.

• Be the first give of your time and energy to serve her.

• Be the first to invest in launching her dreams by funding a project she is passionate about.

• Be the first to applaud her successes from the front row.

Why be the first?

It’s the best way to show her what love looks like when backed by action. Better yet, she’ll relate to all other men based on what she experiences with you.

Dad…you’ve got the whole year ahead to lead the way in loving your daughter first. Decide now to make this a year of firsts, beginning by choosing one thing in the list to do today!

Dad, Here's Why You Want Your Daughter to Fight With You

Most dads tell me they want their daughters to grow up to be confident, empowered, emotionally healthy women who are strong in their morals, convictions, and beliefs. Having said that, I want to ask you: What happens when your daughter pushes the boundaries at every turn and challenges the values you are trying to instill, despite your best efforts?

While you’re pondering your answer, let me introduce you to 24-year old Danielle.

Danielle is the youngest of four children and is one of those girls who has always loved to push the boundaries. At home. At school. In relationships. Simultaneously, she is a self-proclaimed “Daddy’s Girl” who says that the worst thing imaginable would be to disappoint her dad.

Honestly, Danielle has contributed to the bountiful population of grey hair on the heads of both her mom and dad. And all three of them would tell you that the highs and lows of their lives have been way more extreme than any of them would ever have chosen or thought possible.

Yet somewhere in the midst of six to seven very challenging years, Danielle has emerged into a young woman who has now found her voice. She has gone from being a self-described “victim” to an assertive, bold, straight-forward, confident, gutsy young woman. 

She would tell you that none of this would have been possible without her parents support. More specifically, she would tell you that none of this would have been possible had her dad pulled away and stopped loving her through the process.

In her own words Danielle says, “Truthfully, I think that had my dad pulled away and stopped loving me through the hell I put him and my mom through, I would have lost myself even more than I did. And to even think about that being a possibility back then, is a scary thought.”

So here you are as a dad who wants to launch your daughter into adulthood in the best way possible. But if you’re like a lot of dads I’ve talked to, sometimes you don’t know how to make that happen. 

Dad, if you truly want to assist your daughter in her voice-finding venture, here’s something to keep in the forefront of your mind:

Here are four questions to ask yourself: Do you put pressure on your daughter to…

• obey without question?

• compliantly follow your rules?

• stop most (or all) intense emotion?

• not use her voice to assert herself, especially if it’s in opposition to your values?

I realize that it’s hard work to listen when you have no margin after a long day. 

I understand that it’s hard work to stay calm when she’s wordy or mouthy. 

I acknowledge the fact that it’s hard work to track with her when her emotional intensity is as unpredictable as the weather and seems to come at the most inopportune times.

Just keep reminding yourself that if you want her to be strong and bold then you have to set the foundation for her to be a critical thinker by going through these ups and downs with her.

• Be her sounding board as she talks things out with you.

• Be patient with her in the process of figuring out what she thinks, believes, wants, needs, and dreams about, especially when it deviates from your hopes and ideals.

• Be a role model of patient steadiness, remembering that she will change her mind probably a dozen more times in the next few years regarding what she thinks, believes, wants, needs, and dreams about.

She’ll come through it one way or another. And with your loving acceptance she’ll figure it out, even if she’s off course here and there on that journey (according to your values or timetable, that is).

Like Danielle (pictured with her parents above) says, “If there is one piece of advice I could give other dads struggling with their relationship with their daughter, it would be to NEVER give up on her and NEVER make her feel anything less than a beautiful deserving young woman that can accomplish anything she wants to in life. Maybe she will shut you out at first, but that doesn’t mean you should give up on her. She needs someone to fight for her and show her she is worth so much more.”

As your daughter matures, she will be all over the map in knowing how to properly use her voice. But like anything in life, the only way to gain expertise is with practice. 

Let her practice using her voice with you, dad. That’s one of the longest-lasting and best gifts you can ever give her.

Hugs that Heal

I read a story a couple of years ago in Father Wounds by Francis Anfuso that has stayed with me ever since. Some stories have a powerful way of doing that, especially when they go straight to the heart.

Today I shared this with a man who unexpectedly found himself tearing up while hearing it. Because of his response, I figured it would be good to share it with you.

A few years ago a pastor named George Brantley spoke on the topic of fathering to a student body of 1,100 at a Christian college in Texas. After spending two days with them he ended by offering a “safe hug” to anyone who needed one.

The author stated that “what happened next was both tragic and astounding.”

One by one, hundreds of young men and women made their way to the front of the auditorium while many stood in line for over three hours, all to experience a “safe hug” from this man. Apparently there were so many who sobbed on George’s shoulders that it literally ruined his jacket and shirt.

I’m struck by the way that this father figure showed up in real time with a real gift of his presence. As a result, kids who weren’t his own were drawn like a magnet to him. There was such a powerful longing for the strong arms of a safe man to wrap themselves around these students that they waited for hours just to receive this small deposit into their emotional bank account.

All he did was offer to put his arms around them in a gesture that affirmed and communicated love. The result? They lined up and waited their turn. For hours. All for a hug.

My friend Paul Young is like that. Some would say that his hugs heal. I can affirm that his hugs have definitely been healing for me. I’ve told him that I describe them as “holy hugs” because they have a way of drawing me to God the Father’s embrace.

Paul says you can tell a lot about a person through a hug. He’s held people for twenty or thirty minutes, even longer, as they sob into him. He doesn’t need to say a word because he hears the language of their tears. His presence speaks louder than any words anyway.

Safe hugs have a way of doing that, even without verbiage. They touch the depths of who we are and warmly say that it’s going to be okay, and more importantly, that we’re worth loving.

Dad, your daughter needs your physical, loving arms around her. Daily.

And she doesn’t need you to be perfect; she just needs you to be present.

And this is the kind of “present” where you show up in physical form with hugs ready. No words required.

Ready. Set. Hug!

Thinking Backward

If you’ve ever played sports (which I assume includes all of you in one way or another), you know that every single time you step onto the field or court, you always know where the goal is. Always. 

The goal has everything to do with the direction you run, the points you make (or miss), and whether you win or lose.

The energy you expend is always oriented toward the goal because that’s where the points are. That’s what counts.

Without a clear goal, you can’t play the game. 

Without a clear goal, you can’t win the game. 

With your daughter, it’s the same way.

As you think about “the game you’re playing” (I’m using game as a metaphor to capture the essence of the interpersonal dynamic between the two of you, not as something fake in your relationship), are you clear about the goal you have in your relationship with her?

I can’t think of too many dads I’ve met who are clear about the goal or outcome they are shooting for with their daughter. Maybe a general idea, but not a specific goal. 

And for a goal to work, it has to be clear, specific, measurable, and achievable. 

Dad, I ask you this: Have you taken the time to honestly and directly state for yourself your goals as a father with your daughter? 

Using the sports analogy above, it may help to think of it like this:  If your end goal is to launch your daughter at the age of 18 as a healthy, confident, authentic, clear-minded, and vibrant young woman who is ready to take on the world, what are you currently doing to help her get there? Or let’s break it down further, what is your “half time assessment plan” if she is nine years old and you’re half way there? 

I’m going to add one more layer to this concept of goal setting with your daughter. I call it thinking backward.

This time I recommend that you think about not just the here and now, but also about the future. It can be a new way of looking at the present by imagining the end of your life and thinking backward from then to now. I’m not trying to be morbid. Just stating a reality that we all have to face.

We all leave a legacy. One way or another, we leave an imprint. 

So I invite you to ask yourself a tough question, one that will allow you to be brutally honest with yourself while sitting in the reality that you are leaving a legacy for good or bad, whether you want to or not.

What do you want your legacy to look like? For real.

You will literally change the course of history through your active engagement with your daughter at the heart level. She will carry you with her after you leave this earth. Your legacy will live on through her in proportion to your heart investment in her.

Though you won’t be around forever physically, you will be around forever in the deposit you leave in your daughter’s life. A theory in the field of psychology claims that some adults have an internalized parent who lives on inside them. Long after that parent is gone, the adult child may still seek to please the parent who is no longer around to see the performance.  So again I ask you:  What are you doing now to make sure your daughter hears your encouraging, supportive, loving, grace-filled, validating, inspiring, and motivating voice in her head forever?

Carefully consider the following statement, and then finish the sentence in your own words:

At the end of my life, if my daughter had only one thing to say about me, I want it to be...

Looking at the response you just wrote, is it a head response or a heart response? I know you wrote a heart response. How do I know that? Because every dad I’ve ever invited to finish this sentence has written a heart response.

Here are some of the things I’ve heard dads say they hope their daughters would say about them at the end of their lives:

“There isn’t anything he wouldn’t do or give for me, even at a cost to himself.”

“I never doubted his love for me.”

“I knew he adored me.”

“He loved the Lord with all his heart and soul, and he loved me in the same way.”

Dad, if I could take one more minute of your time I want to encourage you to take what you wrote in the box above and break it down into three action steps. (Remember that action heroes have to take action in order to be a hero).

For example, if you wrote that you want your daughter to know you love her, write how your love will look. Be specific. You might write something like this:

1. I will drive her to school every Friday while stopping at Starbucks on the way so we have a tradition that is ours and ours alone.

2. I will take her on a dad-daughter date once a month as a way to let her know by my actions that she is worth my time, money, and energy.

3. I will write her a letter every year on her birthday to tell her the exact ways I’ve seen her grow in that year while making sure she hears why she is special to me.

Do you see how the concept of love grew legs by the action plan that accompanied it?

The ways I will put my goal into action this week with my daughter are:

1. 

2. 

3. 

I trust that this exercise of thinking backwards will be one that now guides your action steps in the present. I’m cheering you on from here. Go Dad!

Dear Dad...What I Wish I'd Said to You Years Ago

We’re just one week away from Father’s Day, and today I’m inviting you into my personal, vulnerable space by letting you read this heartfelt letter I wrote to my dad for Father’s Day a couple of years ago. And rest assured that much of what he’s done to invest in me over the years were things that I wasn’t necessarily thinking were significant at the time. That part came later. I trust this will encourage you dads to keep staying the course as you make forever deposits in your daughter’s life, choosing to believe that the day will come when she will look back and remember.

Dear Dad…
Sometimes the beauty of growing older means that things look different from this angle. I know I’ve thanked you for your consistent investment in my life many times over the years, but this year I want to highlight some things that maybe I’ve not fully appreciated until now.

Thank you…
…for choosing, along with mom, to let my birth happen. Even after finding out that you were pregnant with me before you were married, you took the high road and allowed for me to be born. People weren’t open about those things in 1960 and I am deeply grateful that you chose life.

Thank you…
…for letting me fall asleep on your chest, even as a newborn, because apparently it was one of the only places I could settle down.

Thank you…
…for getting on the floor to wrestle with me, lifting me “high in the sky,” and actually enjoying our time together while we laughed and played even after you’d had a long day at work.

Thank you…
…for taking me to the park and hiding coins in the bark dust, letting me believe that it all magically appeared out of nowhere, which made me feel like the richest girl on the block (now that I think about it, I still am).

Thank you…
…for making up bedtime stories while we girls placed an imaginary “thinking cap” on the top of your head, an enchanted hat by which the all-time best stories were birthed from you because you loved seeing your girls giggle, imagine, and dream.

Thank you…
…for going the extra mile to build unique and spectacular things that made your daughter’s childhood a bit better---like putting wheels on a milk crate and attaching handlebars to the top so we had an incredible, one-of-a-kind scooter that was the envy of the neighborhood to putting a light bulb inside our kitchen cupboard which transformed it into the most fantastic fort that ever existed.

Thank you…
…for years of courageously accepting your role as the infamous “cutter-of-my-bangs.” And for the record, I do forgive you for the innumerable times that the final result turned out less than we’d hoped for due to my cowlick. My fifth grade school photo, however, doesn’t feel the same way.

Thank you…
…for making it a priority to lead our annual all-day trek to find the perfect Christmas tree two hours away while creating a fun tradition of singing songs at the top of our lungs in the car, songs that still make Christmas special when I hear them. (“I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus” and “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth” were two of our greatest hits, don’t you think?)

Thank you…
…for creating memories with us girls that were 180 degrees different from what your dad did with you (or more accurately, didn’t do with you), making a concerted effort to walk in the opposite direction of the hand you were dealt while investing time and energy to be a dialed-in dad.

Thank you…
…for taking me on my first date to the Rheinlander restaurant when I was 16 and making me wait in the car until you came around and opened the door, telling me that you wanted me to never settle for a guy who didn’t do the same.

Thank you…
…for recusing me on the freeway when my car broke down and all I could do was cry, never lecturing me or making me feel embarrassed for not being more courageous, strong or mature.

Thank you…
…for wiping my tears and rescuing me when my heart was broken down after a breakup…or two…or three…and reminding me that any guy who’d have the privilege of dating me would be the lucky one.

Thank you…
…for repairing every broken thing inside and outside my house that has ever needed your inventive, inexpensive, impressive, and ingenious fixes.

Thank you…
…for taking me to Nordstrom for the past 25+ years at Christmastime where together we’ve smelled more scents than we could ever count while creating one of the best traditions ever: Perfume Day! Every bottle that you’ve bought me is a fragrant reminder of your love for me, a love that sacrificially enjoys spoiling me in a way that says I’m valued in a big, big way.

Thank you…
…for never giving up on me and for your ongoing pursuit of a relationship with me that’s been consistent throughout my entire life, even with all my emotional up’s and down’s and even during times where we’ve bonked heads and disagreed, always showing me that a dad’s love lasts through it all.

Dad, I know that words can’t truly express how much I love you, but from the depths of my heart I want you to know that you mean the world to me! And in case I don’t tell you enough, just remember again today how grateful I am for every single deposit you’ve made in my life through the years, big and small.

Happy Fathers Day, Dad!

Closing the Dream Gap

Over the past couple of years a new term has emerged called the ‘Dream Gap.’ You may have already heard of it, but for me this is something I just learned about recently. And because it’s rocking my world, I wanted to bring it to your attention, Dads.

Let’s start with the historical context:

In 2017 researchers from NYU, Princeton, and the University of Illinois collaborated to present findings from their ground-breaking research, revealing that by the age of five, girls quit dreaming and stop believing they can be anything they want to be or do anything they set their minds to. By contrast, boys in this age range are not experiencing the same things.

They also reported that by the age of six, girls stop associating brilliance with their gender and start avoiding activities that require what they perceive to be high levels of intelligence. Further, the more heart-breaking reality is that when these gender stereotypes regarding a lack of intellectual ability in females take root early, they are believed to have life-long negative impacts on their interests, choices, and career paths.

In other words, when girls decline involvement in activities they believe are reserved only for those who are “really, really smart,” they tend to make choices not to engage in activities where they might have otherwise flourished had they tried. And these restrictive beliefs block young girls and women from pursuing their aspirations, which researchers believe correlates to women being underrepresented in fields that value genius, such as philosophy or physics.

[You can read more about these findings at: https://bit.ly/2RWRpky]

One mom’s story:

In her blog, “Life with my Littles,” Chelsea Johnson shares her personal story around this theme: 

“I first heard about the Dream Gap back in May at Barbie headquarters, and it hit me hard. My daughter just turned four, and right now, she is such a bright, shining light in our family. She loves imagining who she can become and her dream is to become a worker (a construction worker) and a veterinarian (we’re lucky Barbie makes a vet doll and a builder doll!). One day she wants to build her own veterinary clinic. To her, anything is possible, and I want her to always believe that she can be or do anything she wants.

When I heard about the Dream Gap and what research has shown, I was terrified for her. I have friends with daughters between five and seven, and they’ve casually said things to me that have shown me that this gap is real in their daughter’s lives. I don’t want my daughter, or any other girl, to doubt her potential or to think that just because she’s a girl she can’t become who she wants to. Even if you don’t have a daughter, I’m sure you can relate to this feeling.”

Yes, I can relate to this feeling because this is my story:

Sometimes people assume that I’m intelligent simply because I have letters after my name. Yet regardless of what people tell me, here is my standard response every single time someone makes a comment about my academic accomplishments: “I’m not that smart…I just work hard.”

Until reading this research, I hadn’t considered that I’m actually perfectly positioned inside this stereotypical norm group, mostly because of my own self-deprecating beliefs. Even more, I assumed that I would be convinced I was smart enough after graduating with my doctorate, which included doing my own research, then writing and defending my dissertation.

But unfortunately, I wouldn’t say that there has been a positive shift in this area in the last decade. So here I am as an educated woman who still doesn’t fully believe that I have enough intellect to be considered truly intelligent.

The crazy thing is that I don’t even know what enough would look like if I had it. I just know that I don’t believe I have as much as I possibly could have.

Did you notice how many times I used the word enough? I assure you that I don’t believe I’m dumb. In fact, I know I have smarts. It’s more that I don’t think I’m smart enough.

You’re probably a step ahead of me and can see that this statement elicits a follow-up question: Smart enough for what or smart enough in comparison to whom? Do you see how relative all of this is and how nebulous these concepts are? What does ‘enough’ even mean in practical terms?

I have an answer.

I was never as smart as Stephanie Weirson, a girl who was in my class from grade school through high school. And it seemed that every time we had a test, she finished long before I was even to the half way point. Solidifying her elevated position in my mind, she was always at the top of the leader board when our grades came out. So Ms. Weirson became my internalized standard against which I measured myself and she was always ahead of me because somehow I linked speed of responses to IQ. Yet now that I say it out loud, I realize how absurd that is!

I have honestly never said any of this out loud quite like this…until now. So here I am admitting that somewhere along the way I adopted a skewed “grid for smartness” and it has gone unchallenged and uncontested…until now.

I’m reluctant to admit this, but the reality is that I self-deprecate as much as the next woman even though, on the outside, no one would guess that I do.

As a result, I’ve been believing a lie that hasn’t been broken because it’s never been spoken.

Defining the ‘Dream Gap’ in more detail:

In response to the study I mentioned at the start of this blog, Mattel launched a global campaign just three months ago called the ‘Dream Gap Project.’ Their goal is to close the gap that stands between girls and their full potential through raising awareness of gender biases and stereotypes that are placed on them at a young age, reinforced primarily by the media and from subtle messages by adults. Thus, they are encouraging girls to counter their self-limiting beliefs by dreaming for more while reaching for the stars.

On their website, Mattel boldly states their motivation behind this initiative:

“The Dream Gap is a crisis not only because it robs girls of the ability to value themselves in an essential context. Dreaming is the key to a future in which more than 80 percent of jobs are STEM-related [Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math], and so we are all robbed. Simply put, dreaming, if we define that term as imagining new possibilities, exploring new worlds and thinking new thoughts, is what makes innovation and new breakthroughs possible.”

In this short video [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpLT8bEQ78A], a group of adorable young girls collectively use their voices to define the ‘Dream Gap’ in this way:

“Starting at age five, girls stop believing they can be presidents, scientists, astronauts, big thinkers, engineers, CEOs, and the list goes on. Why? Because what else are we going to believe when we are three times less likely to be given a science-related toy…and when our parents are twice as likely to Google ‘Is my son gifted?’ than ‘Is my daughter gifted?’ That’s not cool.”

Keeping true to their word to increase purposeful dreaming in girls through imaginative play, Mattel recently announced their Girl of the Year as Luciana Vega, whom they describe as “a creative, confident 11-year old girl and aspiring astronaut who dreams of being the first person to go to Mars!”

I am excited that empowered role models are being shown to young girls that invite them to think outside of a stereotypical box as they hold dolls that embody intelligence and strength. This sentiment is reinforced by the little girls in the above-mentioned video as they say:

“We need to see brilliant women being brilliant. And see how they got to where they there. To imagine ourselves doing what they do. But we can’t do it alone. Mom, dads, brothers, bosses, we need all of you to help. We need to close the dream gap. It’s up to all of us.”

How a Dad Can Help Close the ‘Dream Gap’:

You may feel like there’s very little you can do to override the powerful undertow of our cultural tide that comes against your daughter with negative messages that attack the very qualities that you seek to see displayed in her. You may believe your efforts are futile to successfully celebrate your daughter’s creativity, brilliance, optimism, vision, and passion when she isn’t always met with the same enthusiasm and support outside of your home.

As a dad you have the privilege of standing in the gap for your daughter so she can hear your affirming voice above the rest. You get to speak life into her spirit and applaud her uniqueness by supporting her dreams and goals (even if they’re different than the dreams and goals you have for her.)

This is where we as girls and women need YOU, our dads, to:

1. Challenge us to face our fears

2. Let us know that it’s okay to be afraid through this process of honing our vision

3. Remind us that in your eyes we’re a winner when we give our best, even if we don’t win first prize

4. Believe that we’re enough when we don’t believe that we are

5. Run alongside us while we’re learning to dream beyond our natural limitations

6. Coach us with wisdom about the fact that character is proven when we get back up after we fall

7. Cheer us on with your unwavering support as you speak life-breathing words into us

8. Repeat the truth that success is in the journey, not just in the outcome

9. Tell us that you’re proud of us and love us no matter what

And, Dad, if you want one more idea to help your daughter close the dream gap, I encourage you to invite her to write a list of TEN OUTRAGEOUS THINGS SHE WISHES SHE HAD THE NERVE TO DO. Then have her date and sign it.

A decade ago I wrote out my list of ten outrageous things and one of them was “to write a book.” It seemed like a crazy impossibility at the time, but then in 2014 my first book was released. So I speak from personal experience when I say: Dream it and do it!

For extra dad points, you can create your own list, modeling to your daughter that you’re never too old to set new goals and think forward in expanding normal limits. This list can also serve as a prayer guide as you agree with God to support your daughter to live beyond her natural limits as she is released into his supernatural calling on her life!

Dad, you can help to close the dream gap today by standing in the gap with your daughter.

Helping Your Daughter Live With An Open Heart

 (Hey everyone…I know this is heavier-weighted content, but hang in there…I promise it will be worth it!)

Every once in awhile a speaker will communicate truth in such a way that it literally touches a core place inside the listener. Dr. Larry Crabb has been one of those truth-speakers into my life. I’ll never forget hearing him speak a few years ago where his insights were so impactful that I chewed on what he said for days, culminating in my telling him through tears the impact of his words on my soul and spirit.

The reason I’m sharing this with you today as a dad of a daughter is to empower you to guard and protect, lead, and champion your daughter’s heart with increasing precision because her open heart is her lifeline to health, vitality, purpose, and vision. I believe this will give you insight into why it’s vital that your daughter’s heart stay open in order to be the woman God created her to be.

Here is the essence of Dr. Larry’s seminar on gender:

In Genesis 2 when Adam first saw Eve, he called her “iyshah,” a female form of the word for man, “iysh.”  However, in Genesis 1:26 and 27 when God says, “Let us make mankind in our own image…male and female He created them,” these are two different Hebrew words to denote gender. “Zakar” is used for male and “nequebah” for female. 

During his talk Dr. Larry said, “I don’t think you women are necessarily going to like the meaning of the word for female, but here it is: Nequebah literally means punctured, bored through.”  Hmmm…that was indeed a very unexpected, odd definition of the word in my opinion. Our collective responses in the room led most of us to turn toward each other with puzzled looks on our faces.

He then took us to 2 Kings 12:9 where we read that King Joash commissioned Jehoiada, the high priest, to “nequebah” the lid of a box for use as a container of money for repairing the temple. The box was opened as a vessel that was used for God’s purposes.

Dr. Larry further explained that “nequebah” means “to be opened while arranging yourself consistently for a larger purpose than you.” I LOVED hearing that!  My spirit began to awaken with curiosity as I was now intrigued and wanted to hear more.

Bridging this concept then to Jesus on the cross, he noted that it was literally this act of being punctured and bored through that demonstrated Jesus’ openness to God’s larger purpose both in Him and through Him. Clearly Jesus understood and lived out the meaning of surrendered openness as a reflection of the depth of relationship He had with His Father. He modeled the beauty of submission, surrender, obedience and openness.  

Even today I continue to ponder this truth that Jesus made the choice to suffer and die by allowing Himself to be punctured and bored through. And I still am overcome with emotion as I celebrate the reality of Christ’s selfless love, a love that has truly aligned itself with the core of who I am as a woman. I had never thought of Jesus’ death on the cross in this way before.

I see now---according to this definition---that Jesus has fully identified with me as a woman (since God, the Three-in-one, isn’t gender specific) and I revel in knowing that He still connects with me as a female in this way.

The reality for me, a woman with an abuse history---where I have been taken advantage of, violated, and overpowered by more than one man---has been to activate instinctual self-protection whenever I don’t feel safe. In fact, throughout a bulk of the first four decades of my life I would often put up an invisible internal wall out of fear that I would be “punctured” again. Sometimes those walls have been literal (where I’d create physical distance) whereas at other times it was an unspoken barrier that people would feel around me that gave them the message that I wasn’t available or open to relating.

The truth is that I used to feel threatened as a result of someone activating or bumping up against my deep-seeded fears. It used to tap into my core terror of being crushed or bored through or stolen from. I can tell you honestly that in those instances I never intended to be brash or harsh. But when I was triggered, my openness would close off and I would go into fight-or-flight mode.

I know that God longs for me to reconnect with His original design for me as a woman, one who is open and vulnerable, willing to be used by Him to impact others by inviting them also to respond with openness.

I have found that by welcoming people into my heart, my life, and my home, I experience the redemption of God’s original purpose for me as a woman: one who lives vulnerably without fear, all the while being open and released to give and receive only what is for God’s purposes. 

And from this incredible place of healing and freedom, the walls of self-protection are no longer needed when I focus on Him as my Protector.

Dr. Larry closed by giving us one of the most incredible definitions of being a woman that I have ever heard:

“A beautiful woman is so at rest in God’s delight in her that she enjoys her undamageable beauty such that she invites others to connect and relate openly not guardedly, invitingly not controllingly, courageously not defensively---to encourage another to be consumed by God’s beauty at any cost to herself so that she can reveal God to His community.”

As a father, why not use these words to guide your prayers for your daughter so she can connect to her beautiful female essence while reflecting the God who made her in His image!