An Open Letter to Dads of Daughters: My Christmas Present to You

On this last blog of 2019, just five days before Christmas, I want to give you a gift from my heart to yours…a gift of words. (I know that probably isn’t exactly your first choice, and you’d much prefer a grill or a Fitbit, but this is the best I can do from afar!). I want to begin with some validation and encouragement (just in case you don’t hear it enough!), and then end with a challenge.

As a father, you no doubt have a lot of weight on your shoulders and I’m guessing that you often feel overwhelmed with all that’s expected of you, even though at times you try to ignore the intensity and immensity of that reality. (I know this because many of you have trusted me enough to tell me what this is like for you). 

And much of the time you find it easier to push away the discomfort of facing your own inadequacy so that you don’t have to sit in the space of admitting that it might actually be true  that you’re not enough. 

But if you peel back the layers and allow yourself to be honest, even vulnerable, you’ll discover that every other father is feeling the exact same way---with a sense of being less than competent, at least when it comes to relationships. Perhaps it’s most noticeable when the women in your life say they need more from you or point out areas of ineptness. And that’s when you find yourself falling into a pattern of slinking back into your shell (or, as author John Gray says, into your cave) to find safety from the perceived attack. 

But dad, you weren’t made to shrink back and hide. That’s not where you thrive. You were created to pursue and conquer, to hunt and gather. The truth is that you’re at your best when you’re taking action while proving to yourself and the world around you that you have what it takes to courageously go after the things--and people--you love and believe in. 

So here you are, living each day with a wealth of experiential knowledge, some of it amazing, and some of it painfully debilitating. Yet all of it has brought you to where you are today, shaping the way you see yourself…and everyone around you. And it’s out of the overflow of all those experiences that you parent your daughter. 

Now here’s where I’m going to go a bit deeper by addressing the “painfully debilitating” part.

Those devastating experiences, when left unhealed, lead you to believe that you don’t have it in you to live any differently or respond in ways other than the hand you were dealt. Those wounding interactions have left you stuck, which then have you repeating unhealthy relational patterns that really don’t work for you---or your daughter, for that matter.

Sadly, I meet too many deflated men who have lost their drive and ambition, especially when it comes to pursuing relationships. Somewhere along the way they’ve succumbed to the lie that they can’t be more than their history or their failures while believing that they’re destined to repeat mistakes that were modeled by their fathers. 

Truthfully, this whole way of thinking and interpersonal relating breaks my heart because I see men who have shrunk back while using self-protective strategies so as not to be hurt again, usually like they were as kids. But those strategies create distance between them and the ones who call him “dad” while also keeping their offspring from reaping the benefits of being loved by the one man whose opinion matters most. 

To make matters worse, instead of rising up to meet the challenges of fighting to maintain close relationships, men with these defaults too easily resign themselves to a position of impotence rather than being valiant pursuers and initiators, traits that I believe God created all men to embody in their DNA.

You see, when a father steps back, removes his armor, concedes before engaging, and walks away (literally or figuratively---such as when he is there physically but not emotionally), not only is he deflated, but so are his kids. Further, something disastrous happens inside of him when he believes that he doesn’t matter and instead defers to their mom. That’s when something inside him starts to atrophy. 

From observing men these past seven years since founding The Abba Project, I’ve noticed that something begins to die in a man when he believes that he can’t rise up, change, make a difference, or lead his family. Even this past weekend I talked with a dad who said he’s a terrible father and seemed resigned to that fact. I literally stood in front of him and wept. Yes, it was awkward for a minute or two, but my heart was breaking for his children…and for him…because it seemed like he was believing a lie that his story can’t be rewritten at this point in his life. 

So what do you do if you didn’t get what you needed from your dad? What if that empowering, strengthening, life-giving deposit was never transferred from your father to you? Are you forever destined to a sense of stifling inadequacy in the core of your being? I don’t believe so.

Today I stand aligned with your spirit and affirm that you are a son of the best Dad ever. 

And He as your Father makes you enough.

Don’t let another day go by where you believe the lie that you don’t have what it takes to be a great dad. With God pouring His resources of “enoughness” into your depths, you will have enough to pour into your daughter (and son).

Humbly ask for supernatural help while being open to letting your Heavenly Father fill you with His wisdom, insight, strength, courage, tenacity, tenderness, compassion, and on it goes. God says if we ask for wisdom, He’ll give it. No questions asked, no groveling, no earning His favor. It’s simply His gift.

As you pray this prayer, I guarantee that if you sit in stillness and listen, God will download ideas that will lead you to connect with the unique needs of your daughter. Spend at least five minutes waiting for the download to come, and then immediately act upon the things God tells you in order to reach the heart of your girl. You might think you’re fabricating things as you listen, but it will get much easier to trust God’s voice when you put into action the ideas He gives you and see that they work.

So even if you don’t hear it enough: You matter. And every day that you give of yourself to your daughter is a day that changes her life…and yours.

Dad, I wish you the best Christmas happiest New Year’s ever and I CELEBRATE YOU as you continue to embrace the most important job you’ll ever have: being a dad.

The Dialed-In Dad Checklist: Your Fathering Self-Assessment

Let’s be honest. None of us like someone else telling us what to do. 

It’s hard enough when we’re forced to sit for our annual review while hearing our boss give feedback about both our strengths and weaknesses. But since it’s protocol, we have no option but to endure the scrutiny.

However, unlike our work environment, when it comes to assessing fatherhood, it’s another ballgame. In that arena, the likelihood of individual defensiveness is higher, especially if the person giving the feedback is a stranger (a.k.a. me to you). I can understand how it could come across as a personal attack when the input isn’t based on a full understanding of the entirety of a situation. 

In view of that reality, dad, I want to offer you a way to evaluate yourself. No lecture. No force. No hovering. Just you lifting up the hood of your “car” and checking the wiring in order ensure optimum workability. And since we’re here at the end of the year, this is a great time to look back over 2019 and do some introspection…all for a greater gain. 

I want to give you a tool that equips you to assess yourself in the area of fathering. No one else will see it but you. My hope is that in having a template for self-evaluation, you will be more honest than if someone was looking over your shoulder. 

I have such great respect for men who are open and willing to ask for help in order to achieve their goals, especially their fathering goals. Although many dads I’ve spoken with haven’t written down or articulated their parenting goals, I’ve discovered that those ideals are actually tucked deep within and clearer than may have realized.

That’s where I believe this self-assessment will serve as a proactive tool in your fathering toolbox because it will help you clarify your vision.

Let me add that I’ve absolutely loved hearing dads in The Abba Project (the group I lead for dads of daughters ages 13 to 30) tell me that they made a copy of this self-test and put it in a prominent place to remind them of what they need to work on.

Speaking of prominent places, I was blown away when Police Chief Bret, a former Abba Project Dad, sent me a picture a couple of years ago after our group ended. Placed next to his bulletproof vest, leather belt, and two guns was his Abba Project notebook, propped up as a daily reminder of the importance of investing in his three daughters. He wanted me to see that he wasn’t forgetting to dial in even after our group ended. 

Let’s get practical now. 

After you take the Dialed-In Dad Self-Test and see items that are not a part of your daily or weekly interactions with your daughter, write out two or three specific things that you are going to do starting today that will launch you on your journey toward being increasingly tuned-in to your daughter. 

There’s no need to go down a path of guilt or shame for things you’ve done wrong in the past, and there’s no better time than the present to begin changing the past. You have today and every day from here on out to make up for lost time. 

Here’s the bottom line: Being intentional makes a big difference.

Challenge yourself to choose a couple of new ways to connect with your daughter as you go forward on this journey. (Use lower-scoring items on the Dialed-In Dad Checklist to guide you here).
And if you’re like the men in my groups, you’re ready to use your score both as a gauge for where you are now as well as a guide for where you still need to focus. 

By doing this, you’ll be clearer on where to take action so you can more specifically invest in your daughter’s life today. 

p.s. If you want extra credit and are feeling extra courageous, invite your daughter to fill out this form about you as her dad. I guarantee that it will show you where you’re rocking it and where you could use some improvement!

Click here for the Dialed-in Dad Checklist

Dad, Here's Why You Want Your Daughter to Fight With You

Most dads tell me they want their daughters to grow up to be confident, empowered, emotionally healthy women who are strong in their morals, convictions, and beliefs. Having said that, I want to ask you: What happens when your daughter pushes the boundaries at every turn and challenges the values you are trying to instill, despite your best efforts?

While you’re pondering your answer, let me introduce you to 24-year old Danielle.

Danielle is the youngest of four children and is one of those girls who has always loved to push the boundaries. At home. At school. In relationships. Simultaneously, she is a self-proclaimed “Daddy’s Girl” who says that the worst thing imaginable would be to disappoint her dad.

Honestly, Danielle has contributed to the bountiful population of grey hair on the heads of both her mom and dad. And all three of them would tell you that the highs and lows of their lives have been way more extreme than any of them would ever have chosen or thought possible.

Yet somewhere in the midst of six to seven very challenging years, Danielle has emerged into a young woman who has now found her voice. She has gone from being a self-described “victim” to an assertive, bold, straight-forward, confident, gutsy young woman. 

She would tell you that none of this would have been possible without her parents support. More specifically, she would tell you that none of this would have been possible had her dad pulled away and stopped loving her through the process.

In her own words Danielle says, “Truthfully, I think that had my dad pulled away and stopped loving me through the hell I put him and my mom through, I would have lost myself even more than I did. And to even think about that being a possibility back then, is a scary thought.”

So here you are as a dad who wants to launch your daughter into adulthood in the best way possible. But if you’re like a lot of dads I’ve talked to, sometimes you don’t know how to make that happen. 

Dad, if you truly want to assist your daughter in her voice-finding venture, here’s something to keep in the forefront of your mind:

Here are four questions to ask yourself: Do you put pressure on your daughter to…

• obey without question?

• compliantly follow your rules?

• stop most (or all) intense emotion?

• not use her voice to assert herself, especially if it’s in opposition to your values?

I realize that it’s hard work to listen when you have no margin after a long day. 

I understand that it’s hard work to stay calm when she’s wordy or mouthy. 

I acknowledge the fact that it’s hard work to track with her when her emotional intensity is as unpredictable as the weather and seems to come at the most inopportune times.

Just keep reminding yourself that if you want her to be strong and bold then you have to set the foundation for her to be a critical thinker by going through these ups and downs with her.

• Be her sounding board as she talks things out with you.

• Be patient with her in the process of figuring out what she thinks, believes, wants, needs, and dreams about, especially when it deviates from your hopes and ideals.

• Be a role model of patient steadiness, remembering that she will change her mind probably a dozen more times in the next few years regarding what she thinks, believes, wants, needs, and dreams about.

She’ll come through it one way or another. And with your loving acceptance she’ll figure it out, even if she’s off course here and there on that journey (according to your values or timetable, that is).

Like Danielle (pictured with her parents above) says, “If there is one piece of advice I could give other dads struggling with their relationship with their daughter, it would be to NEVER give up on her and NEVER make her feel anything less than a beautiful deserving young woman that can accomplish anything she wants to in life. Maybe she will shut you out at first, but that doesn’t mean you should give up on her. She needs someone to fight for her and show her she is worth so much more.”

As your daughter matures, she will be all over the map in knowing how to properly use her voice. But like anything in life, the only way to gain expertise is with practice. 

Let her practice using her voice with you, dad. That’s one of the longest-lasting and best gifts you can ever give her.

If I Could Whisper to Dads

It all started about five years ago during an interview on a nationally syndicated radio program that heralds out of Chicago called Chris Fabry Live. I had just written my first book, Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart, and Chris was the perfect host to lead a conversation about dads and daughters in large part due to the fact that he’s a father to NINE children!

During the interview he said something that caught me by surprise, while simultaneously touching my heart, which was simply this: “Michelle, you should be called ‘the dad whisperer.” I was immediately moved to hear him affirm my deep desire to positively support fathers. Even more, the name has stuck and now become the title of my radio program and podcast that I’ve hosted for three years.

(If you’ve never listened to the show, all past shows are available on my website at www.drmichellewatson.com, iTunes, Spotify, and Google Play Music.)

Ever since Mr. Fabry suggested that I be called ‘the dad whisperer,” I have cherished that name. And I continue to be overwhelmingly amazed that men write me and call me asking for input about their relationships with their daughters. I’m beyond thankful that they know I’m their ally and am supporting their cause to be a better dad. 

A few months ago I was telling a male colleague about being called the dad whisperer and he boldly said, 

“Michelle, I don’t know how you do it, but you really do understand us men and we can tell that you do. Actually, this is a fitting title for you because you are a dad whisperer. In truth, we men don’t like being shouted at by a woman and we wouldn’t listen to you if you did!”

In keeping with this theme, I’m imagining that you and I are sitting across from each other while I’m sharing these five truths with you. 

If I could whisper to you as a dad, I’d want you to know…

• I am your champion. For real. No hidden agenda. I promise! I don’t honestly have a desire to control or manipulate you as men. But I really, really, really believe that if the hearts of fathers turn towards their children then our whole nation will improve for the better. Girls will stop looking for love in all the wrong places (cue music) and boys will stop pursuing physical power as evidence that they are strong and masculine enough and will instead believe in who they are apart from performance. Hmmm…I guess that goes for girls too!

• How much you matter. Despite anything that you may have been told by our culture, the media, your family, or even your girls (especially during adolescence when most everything is upside down and backwards), your influence and impact makes all the difference in a daughter as she grows to become strong and healthy, confident and vibrant. Truth: daughters (and sons) internalize their dad’s view of them. That’s one big reason that dads matter.

• You don’t have to be perfect, but you do have to be present. In other words, there has to be the investment of quantity time, not just quality time (which runs counter to what we often hear.) But the truth is that time is key to deepening relationships. When you’re home, your family needs time with you where you are available---listening, asking questions, playing games, eating meals, laughing, wrestling, throwing the ball, helping with homework, watching a favorite tv show together, etc.

• Your affirmation goes deep and sticks. I don’t know what it is about a dad’s words that pack such a punch, but they do. The research confirms this as well. Conversely, words that are contrary also stick. And since my goal here is to come alongside and support you in your desire to do fathering right, I want to remind you of the power of your positive words to motivate, inspire, lead, and breathe life into the core of your kids.

• Apples don’t fall far from trees. What I mean by this is that your kids are a reflection of your positive and negative traits. And more often than not, your child who has a knack for pushing your buttons is probably the one who is most like you. So rather than focusing on what your daughter or son is doing wrong, leading you to give constant correction, try looking within yourself and make changes there first. Then your little apples will be healthier and sweeter since the tree is standing tall with deep roots.

There you have it. Five ‘whisperings’ from my heart to yours, dad.

As I continue to invest in bringing relevant topics to you as fathers, feel free to send me questions that you’d like me to address on the air (or in blogs) or “hypothetical scenarios” that might have you confused or lost or stuck as a dad to a daughter (how’s that for a good way to say that your stories will always stay confidential!). You can write me at drmichelle@thedadwhisperer.com.

25 Things To ALWAYS, AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE Say To Your Daughter

My last blog two weeks ago may have felt a bit brutal with me giving you 25 things to never, ever, under any circumstances say to your daughter. 

I couldn’t leave you hanging without a guide to lead you back to center court. So, in a similar fashion that uses as few words as possible and is straight forward and to the point, here are 25 things to always, under all circumstances, and as much as possible say to your daughter if you want to be a dialed-in dad.

Here’s a list of what TO say to your daughter:

• What did I ever do to deserve such an incredible daughter like you?!

• Do you know how grateful I am to be your dad?!

• You look so beautiful today

• You get prettier with each passing year

• You’re right, I don’t understand you right now but I want to understand. Can you help me understand?

• I’ll be here for you no matter what. Any time, day or night, I will do my best to be available. You can text or call me when I’m at work or out of town and I’ll figure out a way to respond as soon as I can

• I want you to know that I enjoy you

• You are going to make a great wife and mother some day (if you choose that)

• I’ve seen so much growth in you (list specifics)

• Tell me what you’re learning in school (or work)…I’d love to hear

• What was good about your day today?

• What was hard about your day today?

• God broke the mold when He made you! You are one of a kind!

• You are completely unique and gifted (list specifics)

• I love you just the way you are

• You could never disappointment me no matter what you do or don’t do because I love you unconditionally

• What a treasure you are. Any guy who gets to date you (or eventually marry you) is a very lucky man

• In my eyes, you are the best of the best

• I am so proud of you

• I like who you are

• I love you

• You are amazing!

• I look forward to our dates where we get to spend time together, you and me

• I’m sorry…will you forgive me?

• I want you to know that no matter what, I will always be your main man.

In order to really dial in to your daughter’s heart space it’s going to require hard work and intention. And we all know that nothing worthwhile and valuable is ever easy. Hard work is required in business and this is all about bringing your best work ethic home.

Remember that your view of her, the one that is communicated from your mouth to her ears, is paramount to the view she carries now and will carry about herself throughout her life. 

I encourage you today to carry this list in your pocket or on your phone and then choose to say one of these things daily to your daughter over the course of the next month. 

Watch what happens in her as a result. Write and tell me about what takes place in her…and in you. 

(You can reach me at michelle@theabbaproject.com)

25 Things to Never, Ever, Under Any Circumstance Say to Your Daughter

I’ve had the privilege over the last ten years of fine-tuning my understanding of men through The Abba Project (If you’re new to the conversation, this is the group I lead in Portland, OR for dads with daughters in their teens and 20’s).  

As a result, I believe I’ve grown to understand and appreciate where you as dads are coming from. The truth is that I really enjoy hearing honestly from fathers about what it’s like to be in your shoes, especially as fathers to daughters.

Through my conversations, what I hear repeatedly from men is one of two responses:

1. Tell it to me straight with as few words as possible (a.k.a. get to the point!)

2. Tell me what to do to fix it.

In an attempt to prove that I, as a woman, can speak in a way that is straightforward with minimal verbiage, here is my bullet point list of some exact, specific things that you as a dad should never, ever, under any circumstance stay to your daughter. EVER.

Why? Because what you say will echo in her head and heart for all eternity and she will never forget what you say, what you believe about her, what you see when you look at her, and what you tell her is true about her. (And sadly, I’ve heard many of these examples in real life).

So with as few words as possible, here’s a list of what NOT to say to your daughter:

• You are one high maintenance girl

• You have always been the most needy of all our kids

• Why do you always make mountains out of molehills?

• You look like you've gained weight

• (never give her a nickname that emphasizes her size)

• You got yourself into this mess so don’t come running to me…

• you have no one to blame but yourself

• Stop crying…You’re being a big baby

• Do you know how utterly ridiculous and nonsensical you sound right now?

• Pull yourself together and when you can talk rationally and clearly, then come talk to me

• Go talk to your mother…She’ll understand you.

• I gave up trying with you a long time ago

• How on earth do you ever expect a man to want to be with you when you act like this?

• You are wearing me out…I don’t know how much more of you I can take

• You drive me crazy

• When are you ever going to start acting your age?

• You are a spoiled brat

• I have no idea how you have any friends with the way you act…the real you comes out at home

• You are a selfish b#%*…can’t you ever think of anyone but yourself?

• In my house you will act the way I tell you to act

• Shape up or ship out

• Do you want a taste of your own medicine?

• What did I ever do wrong to have to deal with a daughter like you?

• You are a big disappointment to me

• You are a disgrace to this family

• God must regret having made you

• Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?

You may think that she’s forgotten what you said because it was a long time ago. I assure you she hasn’t. Humble yourself, go now, and ask forgiveness. It will release both of you.

Let today be the day where the words you speak to her from this day forward are only life-breathing and not akin to anything in the above list.

And for the record, this is the first time you’ve heard me say that failing to say or do something means that you’re at the top of the class!

(Stay tuned in two weeks for the counter blog titled: “25 Things to ALWAYS Say To Your Daughter”)

It’s Never too Late to Make Amends: A Real Life Dad-Adult Daughter Story

There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. 

As they sat side by side on the platform in front of a packed auditorium, their raw emotion was palatable, expressed visibly as each of them told their story through their tears. We all sat there mesmerized, with an awareness that we were being invited into one of the most honest interactions we’d ever witnessed between a dad and his adult daughter. She went first.

“Affirmation. My dad never gave it and still never does. I think that is why I’m never sure I matter. He is available in a variety of ways---there if I want to talk, for example, but not affirming. I can’t even explain the hole I’ve felt in my heart at his lack of affirmation. For many years I didn’t even realize that hole was there. And once I did, I first ignored it and told myself I didn’t care. But eventually it hurt too much to ignore.”

It was my dear friend Constance on the stage that day, her voice cracking as she spoke those words in front of a live audience. In that moment she wasn’t thinking about the fact that she was the CEO of a long-running non-profit organization, an accomplished musician, a vibrant national speaker, an author of two books, or a wife and a mother to three amazing children, notwithstanding the fact that she had coordinated the conference we were all attending. 

Right then it was as if she was a ten-year old girl again, acutely in touch with the longings of her heart. She wished for her daddy to notice her, to tell her she was beautiful in his eyes, and to let her know that he had time for her because she was one of the most important priorities in his life.

With her dad’s, permission to share these details publicly, she then began reading an email dialogue between she and I that had taken place a couple years earlier with regard to hurts from her father, Dan. Here is some of what I had written to encourage her: 

“Constance, it saddens me to think of how amazing you and your sister are and it breaks my heart to hear that your dad elevates ministry ventures over connecting with the two of you. It shows that he doesn’t have a cup that is full enough to pour into your life. I imagine that he gives you the best that he has and it’s definitely not enough. When he does ministry he must not have to give of himself in the same way he has to as a dad. It must tap into a different place inside of him.”

Looking directly at her father there on the platform, Constance turned and asked him: “Dad, how did it make you feel to hear those emails read?”

With script in hand, Dan read his carefully prepared response to his daughter’s query (she had given him the questions ahead of time so he had ample time to think through his answers): 

“I was saddened to realize how much you craved my approval and affirmation and I was oblivious to your need. I was so focused on avoiding the loss of my business of 25 years and losing my home as a result of the ‘Great Recession,’ combined with the concerns of pastoring a new church that I didn’t recognize your need.” 

Then, in her beautifully authentic way, Constance led her dad to dig deeper and share why he agreed to join her there that day to tell their story: 

“Because I love you and you asked me to come. You have asked me before to attend your events and I’ve always had a reason not to attend. But because I now realize how important it is to you, I am making you a priority and accepted your invitation. I recognize mistakes I’ve made in the past and am thankful for the opportunity to make better decisions. You are important to me and I want to affirm you.” 

Dan could hardly get through that part without fighting back tears. As you can imagine, his daughter was right there with him, feeling every word of his heartfelt emotion. He continued:

“I hope that our strengthened relationship will give hope to those in attendance who may be dealing with similar issues with their parents. I also want to bring this to the attention of parents with adult or soon-to-be-adult children so they’ll know that down deep at some level your children still need your approval, your acceptance, your affirmation, and your love. It may not seem like it, but they do.”

Then the two of them, as if in a well-choreographed dance, began to tell the backstory of their family history, beginning with Dan marrying Constance’s mom when she was 15 and he was 17, to their divorce 14 years later. They added many more heartbreaking details, including Dan eventually remarrying and starting a new family that didn’t always include his three older children, part of which led Constance to explode at her dad years earlier in a restaurant because of his dismissive responses towards her, an accumulation of hurt that had built up over the years.

By this time we, the audience, were all on the edge of our seats, feeling their pain and distress right along with them. I don’t think there was a dry eye in the place. Dan kept going:

“In my mind I thought I was affirming my daughter with my occasional compliments, so with regret I now realize it was not enough to satisfy her need. I was aware that Constance was not happy with me and I honestly didn’t know why. I didn’t realize the depth of her hurt and bitterness. And I will admit that I was raised without much affirmation from my parents and succumbed to the same malady. 

But I can now be painfully honest; I needed to learn to respect my adult children and not just give them unwanted criticism. There is a time parents have to begin to deal with their children on a respect basis; like many, I was late in recognizing this. But I have now!”

It was so refreshing to hear a dad---and a pastor, no less---honestly admitting his failures as a father to his adult daughter out in the open, in front of strangers. There wasn’t defensiveness or mudslinging in an attempt to explain, justify, or qualify his actions. Instead, his honesty and tender willingness to understand how he had hurt his daughter was part of the process that allowed her to continue releasing the hurts that she had carried for so many years. 

Now it was Constance’s turn to respond:

“Even though I was really angry at my dad, for some reason there was also a part of me that wanted to hope for something more. I think it was God in me. He gave me eyes to see my dad in a new light. Through conversations I saw more of the pain and rejection he had carried as a little boy, and also as a father and husband. I also realized that he was actually genuinely ignorant of my need for his affirmation. The more I looked at him through eyes of compassion for his brokenness, the easier it was to believe things could be better.

But the biggest boost to our relationship was that he wanted to change. He was in a season of having retired from work and was looking at his life in new ways and asking God to change him. And that is what I have seen the most these past few years---my dad is ACTIVELY choosing to look at the parts of himself that are not loving, and is open to change.”

Can you hear the softness in her voice that was evident now in the telling of her story? And she didn’t stop there:

“Two years ago I felt God nudging me to pray a prayer of blessing over my dad. Even though I was still holding on to some of the old feelings of bitterness, I started to cry. Something huge shifted in me in that moment. And I noticed a big shift in our relationship ever since. It was like something was loosed when I chose to pray blessing instead of holding on to old bitterness, and I think it meant something in him to hear me do that too. Since that time, I have noticed that my dad frequently tells me that he loves me, and more importantly (at least for me), that he is proud of me.

This has changed not only our relationship, but my relationship with myself. Somehow, knowing that my dad is proud of me has diminished my need to have others be proud of me too. And the more I know that and can rest in his love for me, the better and better our relationship gets.”

What hope their story brings in highlighting that it’s never too late for a dad and a daughter to mend their relationship. Here is a woman disclosing that it took her until her late 30’s to begin peeling back the layers of her father wounds and voids.

But the other amazing reality is that she has a dad who was willing to meet her in that process by also looking at himself and owning his part of the whole.

The lessons I take from their story are numerous. Among them:

• It’s never too late to heal a broken relationship between a dad and his daughter.

• In order to move forward, a dad needs to hear the impact of his actions (or inaction) on his daughter’s heart and life…without defensiveness.

• It takes tremendous courage for a dad to ask God to change him, but if he does, it will yield positive results with children.

• When a dad opens up about his life (particularly his childhood), it gives his daughter more insight into why he is the way he is.

• A daughter can ask God to help her look at her dad through the eyes of compassion for his own brokenness as she begins to take steps to forgive him.

• When a daughter prays for God to bless her father, it helps to release her bitterness.

I want to close by giving Dan the last word---from one dad to another. I hope that his words will touch your heart as a dad so that like him, you will be willing to look within yourself in order to pursue a more vibrant and positive relationship with your daughter:

“Looking back, I can remember the clues she was sending, but at the time I was clueless. It is never too late, and yes, I am committed to continuously changing to conform to God’s will for me as a father. The great thing about God is He wants to restore broken relationships and if we will cooperate with Him, He will change us if we will pray for those we have hurt or been hurt by. Then God will begin a work of restoration in them because with God, all things are possible.”

Well said, Dan. And on behalf of daughters everywhere, I want to give you my most sincere thanks for your humble willingness to honestly admit your shortcomings as a father, coupled with publicly modeling what it looks like for a dad to actively turn his heart toward his grown-up girl. 

Your story gives us all great hope that we ever too old to change…whether a dad or an adult daughter.

Throw or Tell: A Fathering Lesson about Rocks

Most every man I’ve known has played with rocks during his childhood. I’m guessing you did too. Maybe it’s the whole made-from-the-dust-of-the ground thing that is inherent in the male population to draw them to the earth. Who knows?! 

And even though you probably know more about rocks than I do and don’t need a geology lesson, I’ll still continue by stating the obvious. Here are some things that can be done with rocks. You can:

1. Throw them. (Of course this is the number one answer I hear from men when I ask them this question.) 

2. Skip them (across water).

3. Construct something with them. 

But the thing that usually isn’t mentioned is: 

4. Build something, namely a monument. 

Let me tell you the prompt for this last action step. It actually comes from a story in the Bible from when God led His people (Israelites) to cross the Jordan River as He held back the water until all of them passed through the riverbed. Let’s pick up the story with their leader Joshua giving instructions to the men: 

“Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.” (Joshua 4:5-7)

One thing I love about this story is that the challenge from God to dads includes both building and telling.

First off, these dads are holding rocks on their shoulders and carrying them to the other side of the river in order to build something that will stand as a forever memorial. These fathers and their children had to have been walking side by side and interacting throughout the process. Seems like a great fathering model, don’t you think? 

And secondly, these fathers were instructed to tell their kids the story for years to come of the miracle that happened. And because we all know that kids love to ask questions, there is no doubt that this story was told repeatedly…by dad. 

As we can see, the rocks served as a reminder of the story that accompanied them. And this gave me an idea for a way to bring this idea into the twenty-first century.

Dad, what if you started a tradition where every time God did a big miracle in your family—like unexpectedly providing money to pay a huge bill or healing someone in a powerful way or answering a specific prayer or observing a milestone in your children’s lives—you took your kids to a quarry or a Home Improvement Store (like Home Depot or Lowe’s) and together you all picked out a sizable stone to commemorate the event? 

Then, just like these dads did centuries ago, you can build and tell simultaneously. 

Think about what this would be like if each time something significant happened in your family, a rock was added to an ever-growing monument that you build with your kids where future generations will hear the stories that each rock represents.

And through it all, dad, you are the one leading the experience, just like the Israelite men of the Old Testament. 

So instead of just skipping and throwing rocks with your kids, why not let the rocks tell the story as together you build with those rocks while telling your kids the story of God’s faithfulness again and again.

And now to close with the cheesiest ending ever, yet one I just can’t resist: Dads who invite their children to respond to God alongside them ROCK!

(Excerpt adapted from my book, Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart, chapter 43).

Dad: Do Your Eyes Light Up When You See Her?

I don’t know if you’re a Dustin Hoffman fan, but I’ve loved his work ever since he took on the role of an autistic savant in Rain Man back in the late 80’s. He has an extraordinary gift of fully stepping into the characters he portrays, which was made evident when he donned the quirky role of a 243-year-old eccentric toy store owner in Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium.

I absolutely love this movie and want to take you beyond his character for a moment to focus on his young apprentice named Molly Mahoney, played by the beautiful Natalie Portman. Though an accomplished pianist, she lacked confidence in her musical abilities and is forced to come face-to-face with her debilitating insecurities.

Described as “needing an opportunity to prove that she is more than she believes,” Mr. Magorium creates a so-called “opportunity” for Molly to embrace her inner strength and innate potential by announcing that he’s retiring and leaving the toy store to her. He wants her to rise to the occasion and discover what he has seen in her all along.

But instead of pushing through her immobilizing fears, she walks away from the opportunity. She doesn’t believe she has what it takes to succeed. (This is a common reality for most girls, especially during adolescence, when they don’t know how to fully stand in their truth…and that’s when they need more support, which is where you come in, dad.)

As Molly wrestles with finding her place in her own life story, she turns to an accountant named Henry (played by Jason Bateman). and with her eyes cast downward, asks him, “What do you see in me?”

As a guy, he doesn’t really understand what she means, and tells her so. Then she rephrases her question and asks, “Do I sparkle?”

I am struck by her question. I truly believe this is a universal question tucked inside every daughter, even if she hasn’t quite put it into those words.

“Being the sparkle in someone’s eye” is something my dear friend and colleague, Dr. Jim Friesen, talks about in his book, The Life Model: Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You. He says that some neurologists describe this concept as our most basic human need: Not only to be that sparkle, but to feel the joy inside when someone lights up upon seeing us.

Because little children can feel this joy in loving relationships, Jim says that much of life is spent trying to reconnect with that feeling. Life makes so much more sense when people around us reflect back the authentic joy that comes from simply seeing us and being with us. There is healing power in this life-breathing exchange.

Jim goes on to say that because joy is relational, it is also a contagious experience. Joy is produced when someone is “glad to see me,” which then stirs up a bit of joy in me. And when my joy is returned, there is an increase in the giver’s joy as well. It’s a reciprocal dynamic.

This experience goes back and forth at amazingly fast rates—six cycles per second in a nonverbal, face-to-face exchange—all the time creating a stronger joy interaction between both people. Isn’t that incredible? Former Abba Project Dad Steve told me this is one of the most powerful things he’s ever heard as he seeks to relate even better to his two adult daughters.

So what does this mean for you as a dad with your daughter?

Here are some important things for you to know:

1. She is innately wired with the need to be the sparkle in someone’s eyes.

2. If not yours, she will be drawn to someone, anyone, who will light up upon seeing her.

3. Your visual delight upon seeing her will deposit worth and value into the core of her being.

4. If you actively reflect back to her the joy you feel when you look into her eyes, it will build her self-esteem as a gift from you to her.

I believe that every girl needs to be the sparkle (or the light) in her dad’s eyes. You were the first man who saw her and knew her and embraced her and celebrated her. She will turn less to the counterfeit if she has experienced the real thing with you.

Connect with your daughter today and let her know that you delight in her, whether in person or through a text or phone call.

And if the two of you are separated by distance, such that she can’t watch you light up when seeing her today, at least she’ll be able to read your words if you write them. Your written words will tide her over until the next time you have your face-to-face interaction.

Let the life-breathing exchange begin!

Six Words That Will Make You a Better Dad

Are you old enough to remember the craze in the 60’s and 70’s where really cool prizes (a.k.a. “cheap gimmicks”) were tucked inside cereal boxes?  I can still see my sister and I begging my mom to buy the cereal with the most alluring prizes, regardless of whether we even liked it (which I’m sure set a foundation that thrives to this day because I’m still a sucker for a deal!).  

One of my all-time favorite prizes was a decoder ring that I somehow believed would instantaneously transform me into Sherlock Holmes because I had the cryptic tool for solving the mysteries on the back of the box (it’s amazing how inexpensive toys brought such joy back then…but that’s another story for another day).

The thing that sticks out in my mind about decoder rings is that they instantly provide the link between the problem and the solution. Without the magic ring the problem is left unsolved and unanswered.  

If you’re a dad to a daughter, the question I pose to you is this: Do you ever wish you had a decoder ring to better translate, understand, and relate to her?  

If you’re anything like the dads of daughters I lead in The Abba Project (a group for dads with girls between the ages of 13 and 30) you are often left scratching your head as your daughter matures into her teen years and beyond, sometimes wondering where “daddy’s little girl” went. As your potential confusion rises, it can easily lead you to make a reactive decision where you back away while turning to mom and saying, “here, you’re a girl---you go in.”  

Child psychologist Dr. James Dobson poses a powerful question: What does a girl need from her parents when everything has gone topsy-turvy?  The answer: more attachment, not less.  

To further underscore the point he adds, “Even when she is most unlovable, she needs love and connectedness not only from her mother but also from her father.”

So what do you need to be a dialed-in dad who is sensitive to your ever-changing daughter even with all of her up’s and down’s?

I believe the answer is tucked inside an obscure story in the middle of the book of Joshua (by the way, even if you’re not one to crack open the Bible I hope you’ll hang in here and keep reading. It’s a really cool narrative…I promise!)

This is a story about an incredible dad who got it right with his daughter. He says six words that, if emulated, will make you a better dad starting today.

Quick backstory: Caleb is an Israelite spy who, along with his friend Joshua, went on a journey to check out what was called “the Promised Land” to find out if it was inhabitable. After their exploration there was one BIG problem: there were giants living in it. But instead of being intimidated, these two guys saw with eyes of faith and believed that God would give them the land regardless of overwhelming odds. 

Fast forward to a later time when Caleb is interacting with his married daughter Achsah. Just like her visionary dad, she was a courageous woman who wasn’t afraid to ask for what she wanted. It’s obvious that her dad had modeled to her what it meant to be bold and forthright. 

Let’s pick up the story in Joshua 15. “One day when Achsah came to her husband, she urged him to ask her father for a field. When she got off her donkey, Caleb asked her,

“What can I do for you?”

I love that question from dad to daughter. It’s so simple yet so profound. These are six words that every dad should memorize and use regularly. I believe they will positively impact the way your daughter interacts with you if you put them into practice.

Notice that this dad brought himself to his daughter’s problem. He was willing to invest his time and his resources to help her, all before he knew what it was she even wanted.

Here is Achsah’s response to her dad’s question: “Do me a special favor. Since you have given me land in the Negev, give me also springs of water.” 

She obviously had a foundation of relationship to ask her dad for “a special favor.” She knew he would listen. She had no fear of asking for something in addition to the first gift he’d already given her.  She trusted that he would respond.

The amazing thing is that he does it for her. We read that “Caleb gave her the upper and lower springs.”  

Do you notice how easily she responded to her dad’s question about what she wanted  without holding back? 

Do you notice how he offers himself as the solution to her request?

Do you notice how he gives his daughter more than she asked for?

Who would have thought that a father from 16th century BC could provide such a profound six-word code that dads in the 21st century could use to unlock their daughters’ hearts?  

Dad, I encourage you to begin making these six words a regular part of your interactions with your daughter: “What can I do for you?” 

It’s not about throwing things at her; it’s about bringing YOU to the relationship. I guarantee that these few words will be a game-changer in the way your daughter responds to you.