10 Don’t’s for Leading Your Daughter to Resolve Conflict

We all know that being good at resolving conflict is not easy. Do I hear an “amen”?!

The reality is that being competent at resolving conflict is a learned skill, not something we’re innately wired to do.

Of course there are certain personalities that tend to run hot (which can be tied to individual wiring, trauma triggers, birth order, etc.), yet we all can benefit from a refresher course in strengthening our base when it comes to being more proactive and less reactive when it comes to handling conflicts and disagreements. Are you with me?!

As a GirlDad, you clearly know that more is caught than taught. So as you model what it looks like to be a conflict-resolver, your daughter will grow along with you. And the more you’re able to de-escalate the situation by regulating and calming your own nervous system responses, the more peace there will be in and with your daughter.

Today I’m sharing 10 things NOT to do to increase the likelihood of a positive resolution with your daughter when it comes to conflict resolution. This will help in your relationship with her, and also as you help her resolve conflicts with siblings and friends.

Then in in two weeks I’ll give you the other side with 10 things TO DO to resolve conflict with your daughter. (I’ll attach a pdf next time so you can copy it off and put it in a prominent place to remind you of these truths).

 
10 DON’T’s for Leading Your Daughter to Resolve Conflicts:

1.  DON’T raise your voice and escalate by yelling. (If you don’t want her to raise her voice, scream, swear, rage, come unhinged, etc., then you must lead the way by refusing to engage in any of these behaviors first).
   

2. DON’T fire words at her, coupled with intense emotion in an attempt to gain control of her and/or the situation. (Set a time limit with yourself--even now--and practice being self-aware as to when it’s wisdom to take a break. When you control yourself, you’re positively helping to resolve the conflict by decreasing the flow of reactivity).
   

3. DON’T disrespect her while demanding that she respect you. (This one is tricky because you obviously have to intervene if there’s harm to herself or others, and there needs to be an intervention. But as a rule, be mindful of modeling respect, which includes honoring her ‘no’ and negotiating a later conversation after you’ve both calmed down).
   

4. DON’T forget that she will follow your example. (This goes both ways---positive and negative. It’s called “Laws of the Harvest” where you reap what you sow in her life. The more you water the soil of her heart with consistent, nurturing deposits, the more she’ll grow and be full of life).
   

5. DON’T expect her to be the first to soften her tone and react right. (This is a hard one at times when you have to be the mature one when everything in you wants to react to her reaction. But it’s up to you to set the pace for relational health as you lead the way).
   

6. DON’T demand that she immediately respond to what you say or ask. (Remember that when her mid-brain is on fire and there’s upset and overwhelm, she needs time to cool off before she can listen or talk rationally).
   

7. DON’T walk away while shouting or reacting. (Let her know if you need to leave the room or the call, you will come back in “x” number of minutes so she is clear about your expectations and knows there will be an attempt at resolution later).
   

8. DON’T make fun of her for what she says or how she feels. (This is especially true if she makes no sense to you and her problems seems insignificant or invalid).
   

9.  DON’T go it alone. (Allow yourself to ask for help, support, and input from other dads, other women who were once your daughter’s age, as well as a counselor, mentor or pastor).
   

10. DON’T believe the lie that you don’t matter when it comes to shaping your daughter’s life and identity. (This goes beyond the current conflict and serves as a reminder that with every difficult situation, there is an opportunity to go deeper relationally with your daughter.)

Dad, I know it’s never fun, pleasant, or easy to navigate conflict, especially when it’s with your daughter whom you love with all your heart. And because it’s a normal part of relational health to have disagreements, it’s all about learning how to positively work through things rather than avoiding conflict.

I trust this list of ‘DON’T’s’ serves to remind you during challenging moments that you can actually strengthen your relationship with your daughter and deepen your bond by how you proactively work through the situation to a positive resolution.

I’m cheering you on as you DECREASE YOUR DON’T’S when it comes to being a conflict resolver. And in two weeks you’ll get the DO’s list…so be sure to follow along for Part 2. Go Dad!

What You Have to Gain by Engaging Your Daughter’s Heart

Happy Father’s Day weekend, Dad!

I’m cheering for you today as a father and a GirlDad. And whether you’re in a strong and amazing place with your daughter or you’re struggling with her in this season, the fact remains that you’re a dad and this is a day of celebration for being part of the story God is writing in her life…and yours.

As you know, I LOVE championing you as you dial in to your daughter’s heart so she can be all God has created her to be…with you in her cheering section throughout her entire life.

And when professionals and clinicians address practical ways to raise healthy sons and daughters, most often the focus is on the positive benefit to children. Yet today I want to change things up a bit and talk about the POSITIVE, PROACTIVE, AND POWERFUL IMPACT TO YOUR LIFE that takes place when you engage your daughter’s heart.

As I reflect on the decade-plus of coaching dads of daughters while challenging them to invest strategically, consistently, and intentionally in their daughter’s lives (with a minimum once-a-month dad-daughter date with more vulnerable and honest conversation), I think of how impacted I’ve been in hearing them share---with one word---the GAINS they experienced through the process.

I asked these men to describe their experience---and benefit---of spending nine months in The Abba Project with a goal to bond and connect more with their daughters. Here are some of the favorite words I’ve heard:

• Introspective

• Growth-producing

• Worthwhile

• Enlightening

• Intense

• Authentic

• Inspirational (which led another dad to add, “Perspirational!”)

• Educational

• Encouraging

• Transformative

• Eye-opening

• Rewarding

How many of these words describe YOU as a GirlDad?

If your words are similar to what these dads have said, to you I say, “Well done!”

However, if the words you would use to describe yourself in this season with your daughter are less optimistic than these words above, I encourage you to follow the lead of hundreds of other dads who made a decision to be more intentional about heart pursuit of their daughter no matter the odds

(This is why I’ve written books, specifically Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters, to equip you to lead and connect more with your daughters).

Yes, many of the men I’ve coached were facing very challenging dynamics with their girls. Many started from a place of discouragement, rejection, even estrangement. But each one committed to doing his part in reaching out to his daughter, and every one saw growth in himself, even if his daughter still responded in less-than-positive ways.

Listen to more first-person testimonies of GAIN by committing to this process:

• “It’s been a lot of work, but worth it. I believe I have grown.”

• “While this process is different for every dad, you gave me every tool I needed. What I can say now is that there’s no finish line for being a dialed-in dad!”

• “It’s been a tough year with my fifteen-year-old. Then earlier last week she was angry with me and wouldn’t talk to me for two days, but I can tell I’m responding differently than I used to . . . and we just had a breakthrough this weekend! She came up and hugged me and said, ‘I like hugs.’ Since then she keeps hugging me, and I tell her that I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.’”

• “I’m now fathering my daughters with greater vision, which has really developed and increased my capacity for reaching them. My resource well has deepened, and I more frequently draw from that well now.”

• “The more I learn, the more I realize I don’t know as much as I thought I did. In other words, I can be a good dad already, but now I admit I have lots of room for improvement, especially when it comes to speaking Venusian!”

I long to see dads across America become more intentional in the ways they pursue, engage, and connect with their daughters just like these brave men who stepped into uncharted territory.

The key is not giving up before you reach the finish line, while being committed to talking through as many of the upcoming questionnaires with your daughter as are applicable. If you do give up, you’ll inadvertently convey that she’s not worth the effort.

Daddy, Daddy...Watch Me!

I still remember the day I went for a run when a woman with two little dogs on separate leashes stopped to give them a breather and enthusiastically said to me, “Wow...you’re a fast runner!"

I was stunned but kept going, only then to have few clumsy words tumble out of my mouth in response, "Oh, bless your heart.”

You've got to understand. I am not a fast runner. Okay, maybe if you put me up against a first grader I might be considered fast. But that’s about it, even on a good day.

I actually started jogging the summer after my senior year of high school. Even still I only run in very small doses. And sometimes when the weather is bad I decide I’m not in the mood and then take the whole week off. This simply translates to the fact that I don’t invest much time into this sport and consequently I’m a bit slow on the draw.

But here’s what I noticed after being applauded and celebrated by a complete stranger.

I noticed how her empowering words had a very powerful impact on my energy, my mood, and my stride. In fact, her words echoed repeatedly in my head and I not only started telling myself that I must be a fast runner if this lady said I was, but I literally started running with slightly increased speed!

The result is that I embodied her observation.

There really is something robust and potent in positive words spoken, even random observatory words from a bystander.

This got me thinking back to when I was a little girl. I remember wanting my dad to notice when I was running fast or doing something that required an extra dose of physical strength or stamina. I wanted him to watch and be proud of me for working hard and pushing hard. Those two things always went hand in hand.

There was something about my dad applauding me that seemed to make it more true and valid. Another way to say it is that we as daughters thrive when we have a dad who believes in us even when we don’t believe in ourselves.

Dad, your daughter needs you to see her now, just like when she was a little girl.

And since a picture is worth a thousand words, this one says it all.

Here’s my friend Jay, a dad who now is cheering on his daughter from heaven. I love this picture he posted on social media a few years ago where he was actively engaging with his precious daughter Ava.

Both the picture and his corresponding words have melted my heart when he wrote: “Her biggest weapon on the field is laughter.” 

My first thought at reading Jay’s words and seeing this picture was: “How incredible that he’s close enough to hear her laugh.”  

Though this dad now only hears his daughter’s laugh from afar, his words still ring true. I know his forever deposits into her life are still yielding positive dividends today. And I imagine Ava is still saying to her dad as he watches and listens from his heavenly home, “Daddy, Daddy…watch me!”

Dad, remember that cheering from the stands is well and good. But always make sure you’re close enough to hear and see her up close too.

Dad, Are You Capitalizing on Car Ride Conversations with Your Daughter?

I’m excited to be talking about capitalizing on time in the car with your daughter because it emerged organically from conversations with other GirlDads.

I’ll always remember Scott, a dad in The Abba Project (the group I founded for dads of daughters in their teens and 20’s), who shared this story with all of us:

Connecting with all my four daughters has been challenging through the years, but I found a way to do it and it came to me by accident. When my youngest daughter was a young girl, I began taking her with me on drives in my jeep. Especially during the summer months when I could take the top and doors off, we would go on drives late at night.

We would listen to music, sing songs together, and just have a great time connecting. It became just one of the things that we did on a regular basis and soon my second daughter wanted to go with us. Sometimes it was three of us and sometimes it was just two of us. I also noticed that my second daughter began asking if we could go on drives together. She was seeing the connection taking place and wanted it too. Thankfully I have a wonderfully perceptive wife and she helped me recognize what my second daughter was asking for. And thankfully I was open to her observations and began initiating drives with my second as well.  

Something remarkable began to happen as we continued to make drives together:

• They began to share their lives with me.

• They began to tell me about deep personal fears they had. 

• They began talking about the challenging relationship issues they were going through.

• They told me about their insecurities.

• They began to open their lives to me in a vulnerable way that I had not anticipated and it frankly scared me many times.

I discovered that the safety and security of sitting side by side rather than across a table from each other was a huge blessing. And I have a buffer space to process some of what they shared without them seeing my face directly.

As you can hear in Scott’s story, this is what it looks like to be STRATEGIC ABOUT CAPITALIZING ON TIME IN THE CAR TO CONNECT WITH YOUR DAUGHTER’S HEART!

I want to highlight something Scott mentioned that’s actually confirmed in research and underscores why it works for men to capitalize on car ride conversations.

You’ve heard me talk in the past about the fact that women tend to speak to each other and bond by being face to face while men tend to relate better when they’re shoulder to shoulder. So, this works to your advantage in the car because you don’t have to look in your daughter’s face but are shoulder to shoulder with her.

Here’s how Derek described it when I asked if he had any theories as to why the car seems to enhance dialogue and foster more openness from his daughter than being in other places with him:

Generally, the experience is good when we’re in the car because the environment is controlled so it's easy to have a conversation and dialogue on various topics. The conversations go better because of 1.) the inability to have direct eye contact and facial contact, while 2.) still having a consolidated focused space to have a complex conversation without 3.) the concern or ability of anyone else entering the room and hearing a part of it or disrupting the conversation. 

Here's what Hector told me about his experiences with car ride conversations:

When I was my daughter’s taxi, the conversations seemed to happen much more organically than they do now. Now she’s transitioned to driving most of the time by herself so I have had to be much more purposeful in trying to find conversation times. Even though no longer being a taxi driver has freed up considerable time, I miss those conversations terribly. I wish I could go back some days.

So, Dad, are you ready to be even more intentional about connecting with your daughter in the car? This can become a sacred space for bonding with her like nowhere else.

Let me close by sharing a template created by my friend, Dr. Joe Martin, founder of Real Men Connect that he’s used for years to open up more meaningful conversations with his daughter. He simply uses the acrostic GLAD:

G - What was GOOD about school [or your day] today?
L - What did you LEARN at school today?
A - What made/got you ANGRY at school today?
D - What DRAMA happened at school today? Or What tough DECISION do [or did] you have to make at school today?

There it is, Dad: A plan of action to go the distance with your daughter.

Now it’s your turn to intentionally capitalize on car ride conversations with your daughter so your automobile becomes your automatic place to connect with her heart.

Now start your engines. On your mark, get set…go!

Don't Let Your Daughter Lose Her Muchness

I can’t imagine that many of you dads have seen Tim Burton’s 2010 version of Alice in Wonderland, but then again, maybe you have!

One of the reasons I love this film is because of the way it parallels the developmental process of a young girl who is struggling to figure out her place in her own life story.

I acknowledge that at first glance this may seem like a story that doesn’t have much relevance to the father-daughter relationship. But if you take a second look, I believe there’s a powerful lesson for you, dad, if you’d like another insight for understanding your ever-growing daughter.

The movie begins with our heroine, teenage Alice Kingsleigh, inadvertently tumbling down a rabbit hole (for a second time in her life), only to find herself trapped inside a strange land that has turned her world upside down and backwards. Alice has no memory of having ever been there before, a position that is confirmed by the quirky Mad Hatter who tells her that she couldn’t possibly be “the real Alice” whom he had met years earlier because the last time she had been there she was “much more…muchier.”

Then he deals a harsh blow by indisputably declaring his reason for believing she’s not the girl he’d met years earlier: “You’ve lost your muchness.”

When I first heard that line in the movie there was something about the unusual expression that caught me off guard and has stayed with me for years. Surprisingly, tears welled up in my eyes when I first heard this unique wording as they reverberated inside me.

The reason? Because I too have wondered at times if I’ve “lost my muchness” somewhere along the way. I just hadn’t ever worded it quite like that, which is why it took my breath away for a moment.

I sat there and pondered over what my muchness would look like if I actually even had it. Or worse, I wondered whether I had any muchness at all in the first place.

Now before you conclude that I’ve completely lost my mind with this whole crazy concept, I encourage you to ask: What on earth does Michelle mean by “muchness?”

I’m so glad you asked! And I will answer by defining it in relation to your daughter.

“Muchness” is:

• that part of her that is passionate and scared…all at the same time

• that part of her that sometimes wears you out yet is tied to her individual calling and gifting

• that part of her that makes her uniquely spectacular!

For me, just like with Alice, the word “much” hasn’t always been positive. In fact, the first memory that comes to mind is that of my elementary teachers (yes, more than one!) writing four infamous words repeatedly on my report cards:

“Michelle talks too much.”

(cue visual memories of me standing in the school hallway as punishment for my inability to keep my verbal comments to myself in class!)

Scanning further in my mental file cabinet, the second item in the “too much” folder is that of the comments I heard repeatedly from a guy I dated for a couple of years in my late 20’s. He seemed to thrive on telling me things about me that he thought were “too much.” According to him I used the words “cute” and “awesome” too much, I laughed too much, I weighed too much, and on it went (hard to believe that I dated him for two years, which was clearly way too long).

Here’s why I’m telling you this story.

It’s because I can relate to Alice in that somewhere along my life journey I began to believe that I didn’t have any muchness, which translated to letting others define me rather than using my own voice to stand strong. All of that morphed into an internalized belief that I wasn’t enough: good enough, strong enough, thin enough, this enough, that enough (which is another way of saying that I’d “lost my muchness”).

As a result, I got lost in my own developmental process and was drawn to a guy who reinforced the lies that were already there. He was a guy who seemed to align with the insecure part of me that was looking for someone outside of myself to validate and approve of me (but now I know he could never give me what he didn’t have within himself to give).

Alice though, by the end of the movie, accepts the fact that she has to confront something that terrifies her. Though greatly afraid, she boldly faces her fears as she fights and then slays the dreaded monster, the Jabberwochy. As she bravely steps forward, sword in hand, it’s so fun to hear her boldly declare these words as a heroic battle cry to the creature, “Lost my muchness, have I?”

I LOVE that line!

Alice uncovers her newfound courage by going through the battle to discover who she really is. She had to face a force bigger than herself while using her voice to find herself. We watch as Alice beautifully transforms from an insecure, tentative girl into a fierce warrior woman who powerfully kicks timidity to the curb.

It was up to her and her alone to fight the dragon in order to save the kingdom. 

But the deeper emerging truth is that she faced her own dragon, and in the process saved herself.

Dad, the questions I pose to you are these: 

• Has your daughter found her muchness?

• Have you encouraged her to find her muchness by helping her take steps outside of her comfort zone while you provide support?

• Is there a battle she needs to face that inherently holds the key to her discovering and embracing her muchness?

Dad, you are vital to assisting your daughter on her journey to find and hold on to her muchness. Or if she’s lost it, to help her to find it again.

Finally, here are five ways to do just that: 

• Make sure to tell her that she can do whatever she believes is possible

• Encourage her to push past her fears

• Remind her that she has to face obstacles in order to be fierce

• Assure her that you’ll always be there to cheer her on, even if she doubts she can do it, falls down or fails in the process

• Communicate that you believe in her until she believes in herself

Why do this? Because your daughter’s muchness has the potential to change the world!