Dad, You Can Help Your Daughter Find - And Use - Her Voice

I’ve heard it said that communication is 7% words, 38% tone of voice, and 55% body language.

If you do the math, this means that 93% of communication is nonverbal. Isn’t that mind-boggling?!

This little statistic serves as a reminder that we often say more by what never comes out of our mouth.

Think back to a time when your daughter tried to tell you something when you weren’t fully dialed in. Then (in your estimation) she reacted in a way that seemed entirely inappropriate to the situation. And there you were, completely dumbfounded because you had no idea how she leapt from a zero to ten in intensity over something seemingly insignificant. At least to you.

Two words: nonverbal communication.

In his book Dads and Daughters, Joe Kelly talks about the importance of a dad tuning in to his daughter’s voice:

Girls tend to be a riddle to fathers. Like any mystery, the relationship with our daughter can be frightening, exciting, entertaining, baffling, enlightening, or leave us completely in the dark; sometimes all at once. If we want to unravel this mystery, we have to pay attention and listen, even in the most ordinary moments. Why? Because a girl’s voice may be the most valuable and most threatened resource she has.

That last line not only resonates with me, but it wrecks me. When I was younger, I was that girl. I didn’t have a voice and didn’t know how to stand confidently and use it. And I don’t want your daughter to ever say the same.

Her voice is the conduit for her heart, her spirit, her mind. And when she speaks bold and clearly—literally and metaphorically—she is much safer and surer.

Dads, I can’t underscore enough how intensely vital it is that you help nurture these qualities in your daughter.

My friend Emily is a wife and mother of two boys and one daughter. While choosing to parent differently than she was raised, she tells of the pain she felt growing up because her dad “was always too busy for her.” She talks about him being around physically but not emotionally or mentally. He was a pastor and was doing “God’s work,” and she knew she couldn’t compete with that.

Emily recalls sheepishly knocking on the door of his office at the age of seven and being afraid that she was a bother to him. His responses usually confirmed her worst fears. Not only has she carried around debilitating fears like an invisible knapsack ever since, but her childhood insecurities have continued to intersect with every relationship throughout her life. She and her dad have come far in repairing their relationship. Emily is working on healing and letting go. She’s finding her voice. It’s beautiful.

Be a dad who helps your daughter find and use her voice. The more she practices using it with you, the better able she will be to use it out in the world.

It’s Time for Dad-Daughter Brainstorming with 10 Outrageous Dreams

Today’s blog is all about ACTION---for you and your daughter.

Let me share why this activity is worth doing. About 20 years ago I wrote my first list of ten outrageous things I wish I had the nerve to do. I can’t even remember where I heard about creating a list like that, but somehow I decided to put pen to paper and date it.

Guess what one of the items was on the list? To write a book! It honestly seemed like a crazy, unattainable idea at the time. But then in 2014, I did it. And in 2020 I did it again. Even now, I’ve still got more ideas inside me for books I want to write for GirlDads. And I want you to know that the words I wrote on that paper primed the pump.

So I speak from personal experience when I say, “Write it and dream it.”

And to think it all started by being challenged to make a list of ten outrageous things I wish I had the nerve to do.

Now let’s talk about you and your daughter and next steps.

For this activity, ask your daughter to write down ten things she dreams about doing one day, no matter how outrageous they seem.

Encourage her to dream big while realizing that these ten things have the potential to shape her current choices because, based on her self-stated goals, they will have a long-range purpose behind them.

Use this opportunity to reinforce that you will always be her champion no matter what obstacles may come her way. Let her know you’ll check back with her in a week or two and then invite her to read her list to you.

And for extra dad points, create your own list and share them with her on your dad-daughter date, modeling to your daughter that you’re never too old to set new goals and think forward. 

You can also use her list as a prayer guide to ask God to fan into flame her hopes, dreams, passions, and desires.

What outrageous things will your daughter----and you---write? I can hardly wait for you both to join forces to brainstorm about wild goals and dreams.

On your mark, get set…write!

The COST of Being Right: Burning Bridges With Your Daughter

I love it when a father takes time out of his day to write in response to something I’ve written. And because those messages touch me deeply, I’m careful to take the time to respond in a way that lets each one know I care about his situation.

A recurring theme I hear in these emails is that of dads who are estranged from their daughters telling me they are a bit lost when it comes to figuring out what to do next. Their hearts are often breaking and they don’t know where to turn. I can truly say that it is an honor to be trusted with their stories.

Serving to illustrate the pain inside a father’s heart, here is what one dad wrote me:

Why is it hard for my daughter to want me in her life? I ache in my heart and feel a part of my life is missing. My sister and daughter are very close and she says I need to release her to God's providence. I can't imagine my life without her. I need some wisdom. Thank you.

What would you write back to him if you were me? I have to ask myself if I could ever write something that might come anywhere close to matching the intensity of his pain. I think not.

I often feel that any response I give will either be a disservice to the complexity of his situation or might negate the backstory of his daughter’s decision to distance herself from her father, whether for a season or indefinitely. 

One of my close friends went through this kind of agonizing distance with his daughter for many years. I’m happy to report that there has now been restoration and healing. I realize that’s not how every story ends, but at the same time, his situation might give you hope.

For three years he had very little contact with his daughter, which led me to ask him to share more about the real underside of this kind of heartache from a dad’s perspective. With his permission, he vulnerably lets us into his process

Michelle: Have you understood her reasons for distancing from you or is that still a puzzle?

Dad: Yes kind of. She has a lot of anxiety and I cause her to be nervous. I was the “justice” parent and she hates to displease me. Her perception is that she displeased me a lot as a child – that was not my perception. She was the apple of my eye. When she was 12 she began distancing herself from me. I thought it was normal teen angst – but I realize now that it was much deeper than that.

Michelle: What has been the hardest part of her being gone?

Dad: I miss her terribly. It’s very frustrating not knowing what’s going on in her life and I want to help her but I can’t because I don’t know what’s happening.

Michelle: Is there anything you can share about what your thought process has been like in understanding/coming to terms with/being honest about the role you’ve played in her leaving home and not wanting contact with you?

Dad: I didn’t realize how sensitive she was to even the slightest negative comment. I’m not a screamer – and I’m much more encouraging than my dad was to me. So I figured I was doing okay. I tried to say three times as many encouraging things as corrective things. But still her anxiety has made it really hard for her to hear anything but condemnation.

Michelle: What would you tell other dads whose hearts are breaking as a result of their daughter closing the door and rejecting them? How do you really deal with it when you literally are helpless to reach her, change her mind or draw her back?

Dad: You have to get to the point where it’s not about you. At first I used to think, “That little brat. She’s so ungrateful.” I thought about retaliating – to teach her a lesson. “If things get really bad for her then she’ll finally appreciate me.” This is the stupid dialogue that went on in my head. But over time my anger cooled and I began to see the bigger picture. It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship. So I gave up my right to be right and waited patiently for her to communicate with me. That started again a couple of months later.

What powerful and healing words: “It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship.”

This dad came to terms with the fact that his daughter’s heart mattered more than his own hurt. And similarly, if this is where you’re at with your daughter, you must take a surrendered stance like my friend.

And this position of humility has to start with you, Dad.

I’ve spoken with many dads who admit they’ve had a significant role in destroying the bridge between themselves and their daughters. I want you to hear that I’m not standing in judgment of you for the past, but I am challenging you to take the initiative and do whatever you need to do on your end to begin moving towards make amends today.

If you’ve read my blogs or my book, you’ll recall me saying that men would rather do nothing than do it wrong. This applies to making amends too. Perhaps you’ve held off crossing the bridge to her heart because you think too much time has passed or she’ll never talk to you again because of an offense. This is where you’ll have to be wise moving forward. I’d suggest starting with a letter if she’s not okay with seeing you or doesn’t feel safe with you. Or perhaps texting--without expectation of response--is all she can handle right now.

But no matter the path you choose (or are forced to choose if she has closed the door), you’ll have to honor her boundaries and track with her level of comfort in the potential rebuilding process.

And never underestimate the power of prayer. She may not be okay with you talking to her today or tomorrow, but you can always talk to God today and tomorrow. Write out a list of things you will commit to praying for daily until you have answers from Abba Father God. Ask for miracles so that your daughter’s heart (and yours) can heal.

Another key piece of the rebuilding process (if this is where you’re at with your daughter) is to lay your weapons down. You can’t approach her with defensiveness or in “attack mode” if you want to repair the bridge.

If you care more about her hurt and her heart than you do about your position and being right, here are some guidelines for rebuilding the bridge to her heart:

1. Ask questions with a sincere desire to know the answer.
“I know I hurt you with my words. When you came to me I didn’t listen well. You were right about that piece. I want to listen now. Can you please tell me again what you need?”

2. Ask forgiveness for specifics, not generalities.
“Last night I was tired after work and took it out on you. I saw the look of hurt in your eyes when I got angry, yet I chose not to meet you in the way you needed me to. Will you please forgive me?”

3. Never mix amends with criticism (subtle or direct).
(This is an example of what NOT to say) “I know I was harsh, but so were you. If you want to tell me now what you were saying last night, I will try to listen. But you need to meet me half way and not be as emotional this time around.”

I’m sure it goes without saying that this last tactic will bomb. The key is to picture her heart in yours and proceed with caution.

Sometimes, depending on the severity of the offense from a dad to his daughter (sexual, verbal, physical, or spiritual abuse, for example), you may have to live with the bridge the way it is for now or perhaps forever. What I do know is that any demands on your part will backfire, especially if there has ever been any misuse of power between you.

It’s your daughter who will set the rebuilding pace. And if she’s got the “stop sign” on her life and heart held up toward you, your best options are to:

• Do your own work. Find a mentor, pastor, or counselor to help you work through all that is being activated and stirred up in you. 


• Pray for her and for yourself; be specific. 


• Write a letter to her (that you may or may not give her) that lets you connect with your heart. 


Before we close, here is some of what I wrote back to the hurting father I told you about at the start of this blog. And in case you’re a dad today who is in a similar situation with your daughter, maybe this plan will creatively mobilize you to action as well:

One idea for you during this time of estrangement from your daughter is to buy a journal and write letters to her in it. You may or may not ever give it to her, but either way it can be a place to express the desires of your heart to her—wishes, dreams, ideas, prayers, truths of who she is as you see her and God sees her, verses you pray for her, and random or silly things that you wish you could say to her. This book will serve as a time capsule of sorts should you choose to give her the journal sometime down the road.

Whether you’re a dad who needs to rebuild the bridge to his daughter’s heart or you’re actually building the bridge in a proactive way right now and things are good between the two of you, I’d suggest doing this journal idea. I cannot imagine a daughter alive who wouldn’t treasure a gift like this from her father. You could write in it once a week for a year and then present it to her on her next birthday or on Father’s Day as a surprise to switch it up and let her know how much you love being her dad.

No matter the method, no matter the cost, I trust you’ll choose today to invest your time and energy to become an expert bridge-builder to your daughter’s heart.

The 12 BEST Ways to ACTIVELY Listen to Your Daughter

Hi Dad…

If you’re like the hundreds, even thousands, of dads I’ve interacted with over the past 15 years, I’m assuming you want to grow in becoming a better leader.

Truth: You were made to lead. And you are made to love.

One powerful way you can do both of these things simultaneously is to LEAD BY LISTENING. This is what real love looks like in action, especially when you engage your daughter by listening better and longer.

Yet we all know that listening is HARD WORK! And the hard work is worth it when you see the positive impact in your daughter’s life as you give her this gift.

If you make a commitment to grow in learning to lead by listening, I guarantee that your bond with your girl will be stronger and your relationship will thrive!

If you only take away one thing today, let it be this: Listen twice as much as you talk. It’s the “two ears-one mouth principle,” which serves as a reminder to listen way more and way longer.

Now let’s get practical so you can be intentional about leading by listening:

1. Listen with your eyes.
Not only can your daughter read you, but she can see in your eyes whether you’re really listening. She can tell whether your eyes are glazed over and you’re checked out or whether you’re reading her eyes and truly listening to her when she talks. Make it your goal to give her eye contact as she communicates, which lets her know you’re actually listening with your ears.

2. Listen with your head.
When you turn your head towards her as she talks while nodding your head up and down, your body language communicates that you’re tracking with her. Even if you don’t understand what she means or is saying (!!), by slightly moving your head up and down, it says “yes, keep going…I’m here and I’m all ears.

3. Listen with your mouth.
At the very least, make a “hmmm” sound as she talks rather than being completely silent. This reveals that you’re interested and you’re taking in what she’s saying. Then be sure to remind your mouth to smile as she talks so your countenance aligns with your heart desire to express love, care, and genuine warmth.

4. Listen with your brain.
Because men read lines and women read between lines, you can almost guarantee that if you’re thinking something critical or negative while your daughter talks, she’ll pick up on it. So as you listen, talk to your brain and remind yourself that you love her and you want to understand. Then she’ll most likely open up with greater freedom because she will feel safe, loved, and validated.

5. Listen with your entire body.
If you want to be an ‘extra credit dad,’ you’ll actually need to increase your body awareness while realizing that your entire being from head to toe is communicating either a positive (open) or negative (closed) response. Because experts say that communication is 7% words, 38% tone of voice, and 55% body language, this means your daughter is constantly reading your body language to determine whether you’re with her based on how she interprets your non-verbals.

6. Listen by asking questions.
Active listening involves asking questions to keep the conversation moving. My trick to help you do this more effectively is to use the key word/s or last word/s in her sentence to ask a follow-up question. And there’s a double benefit here, Dads, because when you ask questions, it keeps you engaged in the conversation and you’ll be less likely to zone out!

7. Listen thoroughly before speaking.
I’ll always remember what Jim said one night to the guys in The Abba Project because it resonated with all of them: “As I’ve been learning to listen longer to my daughter, I’m realizing how often the question I was going to answer wasn’t the question she was asking!” So as you wait to comment and allow your daughter to share the whole story, you’ll discover the wisdom in holding your tongue as your presence confirms that she’s worth listening to.

8. Listen by inviting repetition.
When you say, “Tell me that again so I make sure to get it,” you’re communicating that what she said is important and you want to make sure you really heard her. This will help her feel valued and honored. Ask her to clarify and tell you more, which will expand your listening muscles and she’ll feel understood by you.

9. Listen in different physical places.
I’ve heard stories from daughters whose dads are no longer alive and they warmly tell of places where they had positive interactions with their dads: a favorite restaurant, a park, the dining room table, kitchen island, or bedroom floors. Find where your daughter tends to open up the easiest and create a rhythm of dialing in when the two of you are together in those spaces.

10. Listen without problem-solving.
Most GirlDads I’ve interacted with tell me they often want to “fix it” when their daughters share a problem. I would suggest following Rick’s sage advice as a GirlDad of three: “Knowing I will never master the art of discerning a ‘just listen’ session from a ‘fix it’ session, I’ve taken the measure of asking my daughters what session we’re in. Now when one gets to a pause in her monologue, I ask if she just wants to talk or if she wants advice.”

11. Listen by welcoming emotion.
This one might be a bit out of your comfort zone, especially if your daughter emotes in extreme ways that push you outside your window of tolerance. The more you can hold your daughter’s emotional intensity and model the responses you’d like her to display (staying grounded, not getting angry, etc.), you’ll notice her nervous system will calm down as she co-regulates with you. This is how she will more quickly move from fight, flight, and freeze to emotional equilibrium.

12. Listen by removing distractions.
This means putting away your phone and setting down the remote. This means choosing a place to listen with as few distractions as possible. If you’re in a public place with sounds and sights all around you, practice disciplining yourself to keep your focus on your daughter’s face despite nudges to look and listen elsewhere.

There you have it: Your 12-step plan for expanding your capacity for becoming a skilled listener.

And in a world where there’s more voices shouting and significantly less listening, you as her dad will stand apart from all the noise by listening longer and stronger to your precious daughter.

And never forget that when you lead by listening, your love always wins.

Guys, Are We Afraid of Asking "Hard" Questions? (Guest Blog by Alex Gerber)

A few months ago I sent an email to Dr. Michelle with this question: “I was wondering...have you ever thought about applying your insights on dad-daughter relationships from ‘Let's Talk’ to a book about marriage? I've been finding your stuff in the ‘Let's Talk’ book to be incredibly helpful for my relationship with my daughters, and it also seems applicable to the marriage relationship too.” 

She immediately wrote back and said, “Wow...there’s an idea I haven’t thought of! I do often remind dads that their wife (or ex-wife) is a daughter too so all these things with their daughters also apply to marriage. I haven’t felt led to write a marriage book, but here’s an idea: What if you gave my book to 10 or 15 guys and then created a support group to apply the same principles to better understand and pursue the hearts of your wives.”

That’s all it took for me to reach out to 12 guys and ask if they would be willing to ask their wife this question: On a scale of 1 to 10, how deeply do I connect with you?

There was a common thread in their initial responses: “That’s a hard question!”

Several were actually not sure if they really wanted to know the answer to this question. And some were afraid to even ask.

Perhaps we as men all hoped that if we asked, we would get at least an 8 or 9. But what if we got a 4 or a 5? How would that feel?

Now I have a question for you guys who are reading this: How would you respond if you got a low number response?

Would you be angry, upset, or defensive?
Would you be deeply wounded?
Would you blame her…or yourself…for the low score?

Or, would you be curious and say, “Please tell me more about why you scored me that way?” or “How can I improve my score?”

To be honest, I was afraid to ask.

Afraid of hard questions that might expose a broken connection.
Afraid of how my wife might answer.
But mostly, afraid because I knew our connection was damaged and I just didn't know how to “fix” it.

“Fixing" a low score, at least to me, involved doing something I thought needed to be done to solve the problem. Then even if she shared something good, if I missed the mark on how she needed to feel more connected to me, my “score” still probably wasn't going to improve.

I’ve realized that when I try harder and harder to “fix” it, we both end up feeling farther and farther away, disconnected. Then I end up even more afraid to ask the tough, difficult questions and more frustrated with where we are.

Asking “harder,” deeper, better questions about our relationships and about how we can improve can be intimidating. Yet it’s also very revealing.

But it is one key way to connect deeper to the heart of the woman and daughters we love.

And finding a way into that depth is essential, in my opinion, to building a strong, healthy connection with her.

I was encouraged recently when asking this same question to a larger group of approximately 50 men.

There were several who were curious to learn more about what their spouse (or girlfriend) might say and how they could connect better.

Even if they felt afraid, they asked. And then they shared the responses they heard. It was clear they wanted a better relationship and were interested in feedback on how to get there.

Guys, how can we move past fear?
How can we love well, listen curiously, and connect deeper?
And how will you know if you are connecting well unless you ask?

Are you ready to be an intentional, courageous man and jump into curiosity about how you are connecting with your wife (or girlfriend) and your daughters?

If you're reading this article through, I'm going to say, YES, YOU ARE!

A man who moves past fear and into the risk of deeper conversations will discover huge potential for discovery, intimacy, and growth.

Let's do this, dads!

Be amazed at the wonder you will uncover in asking and hearing the answer to this simple “hard” question.

Once again, here’s the question to ask your wife (or girlfriend): On a scale of 1 to 10, how deeply do I connect with you…and how can I improve my score?

Ask it today, with a curious, humble heart.

Alex Gerber describes himself as "just a regular guy" who lives in Charleston, SC. He works as a home health physical therapist. He has two daughters Savannah (10) and Eloise (7). They enjoy “adventuring”, being outside, fossil hunting, and playing silly games. He enjoys running, surfing, hiking, camping, and being in nature. Also enjoys asking curious questions to learn and prompt deep thought.