5 Ways to Prepare Yourself for Reconciliation with Your Estranged Daughter

With the holidays officially upon us, I know there are many of you dads who are struggling to claim this as “the happiest time of the year.” The reason? Distance from your daughter (and/or son).

The reality is that I receive more emails from dads around the country asking about what to do to connect with their estranged daughters than I do anything else…by a long shot. And I want to see that sad reality change through empowering dads to do whatever it takes to make amends and pursue healing at any cost to themselves.

Now I realize that there’s always more to a story than merely what I hear, but my encouragement to these men—and to you ---continues to include validation, coupled with suggestions for action.

But first, a story to encourage you.

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My friend and former NFL quarterback, Ed Tandy McGlasson, founded an incredible organization called Blessing of the Father Ministries. Ed is one of the most passionate people I know when it comes to understanding the power of a father’s blessing, which leads  him to enthusiastically speak words of life into men and women everywhere by affirming how much they are loved by God as their Father.

One of the most powerful stories he tells is of a dad who hadn’t seen his daughter in over twenty years, since she was thirteen years old, and every time he reached out to her, there was no response. Desperate for direction, he met with Ed, who suggested that he waste no time in writing these exact words to his estranged daughter:

Help me understand how much I hurt you when I divorced your mom.

That’s all it took for his daughter to quickly respond. He didn’t defend or explain. He listened. And their relationship was restored.

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Perhaps these are the words you need to say to your daughter in this season: “Help me understand how much I hurt you when I . . .”

On the other hand, Dad, sometimes your first move will require what could look like apparent inaction. Stated otherwise, by not moving, you’re moving. Let me explain. If your daughter isn’t ready to talk to you right now, you must honor her boundaries and wait until she gives you the green light.

Outwardly, this may look like you’re doing nothing, but in reality this allows you to prepare yourself for when she’s ready to communicate with you.

That said, I want to share some ideas that you can put into practice to prepare YOURSELF for the day your daughter will hopefully be ready to re-engage with you.

And if your daughter is open to having a conversation with you--whether in person or via email/text or over the phone--feel free to use the information below to guide you. (For more specifics, you can refer to my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters).

Here are some keys to preparing your heart for reconciliation with your estranged daughter:

1. Pray for restoration.
   I understand that at times our prayers may feel like they’re hitting the ceiling. But it’s important to remember that your prayers are being heard by your Heavenly Father who says if we call on him he will answer us and tell us great and unsearchable things that we don’t know (Jeremiah 33:3). Ask Him to move in ways that only a true Father can. Write out prayer requests and date them so you can see how God answers as you stay the course with believing prayer.

2.  Own your part…with humility.
   Sometimes it can be hard to see the log in our own eye while instead focusing on the splinter in someone else’s (Matthew 7:5). And when there has been hurt between a dad and daughter, such that the bridge between them is weakened or bombed out completely, as her father, it’s vital that you search your own heart before God and be willing to admit your fault. As you assess yourself honestly (even asking others for input), it will set the foundation of humility and openness for the time when your relationship is restored.

3. Don’t take her rejection personally.
   If the distance between you and your daughter has little or nothing to do with you (a.k.a. a divorce or tragedy beyond your control that led to the estrangement), then seek to stand strong in the truth that she needs space to work this out in her way and in her time. There’s nothing you can do to rush that process along. Patience is key.

4. Look with open and eager anticipation.
   One of my favorite Bible stories is in Luke 15, a parable Jesus tells about his Father. He shares five ways that the earthly dad in this story re-engages with his estranged son, thus providing a road map for dads who are in a similar situation. This father saw his child (which means he was consistently looking for him), was filled with compassion, ran toward him, threw his arms around him, and kissed him. That is the necessary stance for a dad with an estranged daughter, as modeled by the ultimate Dad, our Heavenly Father.

5. Buy a journal and write to her in it. (This one is my favorite!)
   Because you will date each entry, it will serve as a time capsule where you’ll be recording your thoughts and memories about her, dreams for her future, words of encouragement, prayers for her, positive and loving affirmations, things you wish you could tell her if she were here, etc. This is more for you than for her because it will keep hope alive as you write things down. Then when the time is right (which could be a long ways down the road possibly), you’ll have it as a gift to give her that will let her know that she was never far from your heart even when there was distance. It will prove to her the power of your love was solid even when she may have believed otherwise.

As noted from Luke 15, do not lose heart even while your daughter is away and distanced, possibly making choices that grieve you.

Do what God as a good Father does by staying open to her in your heart, looking forward for her return (no matter how long it takes) while believing that she needs your prayers for healing in her own life, whether or not she’s ready to engage with you now.

And in the meantime, I encourage you to do your own work. But this I mean to take steps to vulnerably tell your story and be willing to “look at your own stuff,” followed with receiving input and support from trusted friends or a counselor. This will set the foundation for a healthier relationship with your daughter when she returns because you’ll better understand yourself and have more tools in your emotional toolbox.

These five action steps above will set a foundation of hope as you take proactive steps forward. I pray your Thanksgiving and Christmas season will be a time of renewal, even in the hard spaces, as you celebrate the King who came to earth to give us the promise of heaven beyond today.