Dads Defeating Distractions Through Attentiveness

One of the greatest gifts a dad can give his daughter is attentiveness.

With the demands in each of our worlds increasingly leading us to be distracted and frenetic, unfocused and perhaps unproductive, the quality of attentiveness is not only more rare, but it’s also more valuable.

When you give your daughter your undivided attention, you let her know she’s valued, worthy, treasured, and loved.

Being attentive and proactive in listening to your daughter’s needs has reciprocal benefits in your relationship with her. When you’re tuned in, dialed-in, and focused, she will feel it in the core of her being. That’s how we’re wired as women. As a result, your daughter will respect you more and will be responsive to you. 

Let me say it another way:  Dad, if you do not become more attentive and involved in your daughter’s life, you’re putting her at risk. She’s created with a God-given need to be seen, heard, and noticed, and when you do these things, you’re investing in her core identity. 

This is what attentiveness looks like. 

Let me be bold in saying that it is your God-given responsibility—and your privilege—to be the best father you can be, and one significant way to do that is by giving your daughter your attention. 

Listen to what 17-year old Karissa told me when describing what she values in her relationship with her dad:

“I value the time me and my dad spend together. He has a very demanding career and is often at work at obscure hours. Despite this, when he has free time, he ALWAYS spends it with my family and me. I value the little things we do in his free time. Be it swimming, painting, watching historical films, or creating lavish dinners, he makes an incredible effort to be with me, and that’s what counts."

In her book They Pick Me Up When I Fall Down, Diana Rauner presents a profound model that challenges us to become caring people who build caring communities. She says that attentiveness is one of the best ways to do just that.

Diana defines attentiveness as simply paying attention. For you as a GirlDad, this means  observing and gathering information to better understand your daughter’s needs. I believe that dads who want to cultivate strength in the lives of their daughters can benefit from applying this “caring” component of attentiveness. This is especially true at times when it’s challenging because you don’t understand her or she seems overreactive or immature, and on it goes. Trust me when I say there’s always a backstory to the story and if you hang in there with gentle attunement and interest, it’s a big deal if she opens up to you. That’s an attentiveness win!

Conversely, at times when you as a Dad display a lack of attentiveness, it conveys to her a lack of care, even disrespect. I know how important respect is to you so this probably comes as a surprise to hear me say it this way. Just know that when you’re distracted and inattentive to your daughter, she’ll internalize your unspoken disinterest or intolerance or anger as meaning she’s not worthy of your investment. At her core, she’ll interpret your response as being less about you and more about her lack of value, which is linked to her not feeling worthy of respect. 

So let’s end on a positive note with ONE practical action step to expand your capacity for attentiveness this week because I know you’re ready for it! 

Here’s your challenge should you dare to accept it!

Do one hard or uncomfortable and sacrificial thing that inconveniences you in the way you tune in with greater attentiveness to your daughter.

Said another way: 

Look for a time to intentionally stop what you’re doing and turn toward her. 

• Turn off your phone and listen intently

• Ask her more questions on a topic that doesn’t interest you… so she tells you more

• Turn away from the television or your computer to look at her while she talks

• Leave work to meet her for lunch

• Stay longer with her emotional intensity while remaining calm

• Take her call in the middle of your workday

• Invite her on a random dad-daughter date and let her choose the place

• Send her flowers “just because” and let her know it’s to brighten her day 

• Pray for her longer than you ever have before

Dad, your daughter doesn’t need you to get this right every time. But she does need to know that in a world filled with distractions, she is worth stopping for. She is worth listening to. She is worth noticing.

Because every time you intentionally turn toward your daughter, you’re sending a message straight to her heart: 

I see you. 
I hear you.
I want to know you. 
And you are worth my attention.

Cheering you on,

Dr. Michelle